Not discussing
When U get 2 the end of this entry, U mite just B wondering Y the frig I'm discussing what I'm abt 2 tell U! Since it's so much nothing.
After Anthony finished his testimony, he and Dad came out in2 the corridor of the cthouse. Dad felt the need 2 B, like, conjoined @ A's hip, telling him, "U did a great job in there, Anthony." Anthony was all, "I'm just glad it's over," while Liz looked @ him w/a worried look, or so I've heard. Liz was, like, "What did U say?" Dad sed, "U can't discuss NEthing, remember? In case U're both called 2 testify again." L8r, Dad sed 2 me, "Sumtymez I think yr sister got sum kind of brain damage. How many times does she need 2 B reminded, eh?" Well, Anthony and Liz moved a little wayz away fr. Mom and Dad, and they watched while Anthony put an arm on Liz and Liz put one on him, and Anthony sed, "I'd better go." Liz was all, "Anthony? Thanx 4 everything." [Including his mindf*ck last summer?] Anthony was like, "Just ask. U know I'll alwayz B there." Liz sed, "Yes. U've alwayz been there." After Anthony left, Mom asked, "What did U say" while Dad raised his eyebrowz and looked hopeful. DON'T friggin' B hopeful abt Anthony, Mom and Dad. Paul! PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL! NEway, Liz closed her eyez, and she looked smug while saying, "I can't discuss NEthing, remember?
C what I mean? All this testimony stuff has been taking place inside he ctroom, and all I get 2 tell U abt is the lame stuff that ppl sed out in the corridor and in the coffee shop. Gah!
Apes
After Anthony finished his testimony, he and Dad came out in2 the corridor of the cthouse. Dad felt the need 2 B, like, conjoined @ A's hip, telling him, "U did a great job in there, Anthony." Anthony was all, "I'm just glad it's over," while Liz looked @ him w/a worried look, or so I've heard. Liz was, like, "What did U say?" Dad sed, "U can't discuss NEthing, remember? In case U're both called 2 testify again." L8r, Dad sed 2 me, "Sumtymez I think yr sister got sum kind of brain damage. How many times does she need 2 B reminded, eh?" Well, Anthony and Liz moved a little wayz away fr. Mom and Dad, and they watched while Anthony put an arm on Liz and Liz put one on him, and Anthony sed, "I'd better go." Liz was all, "Anthony? Thanx 4 everything." [Including his mindf*ck last summer?] Anthony was like, "Just ask. U know I'll alwayz B there." Liz sed, "Yes. U've alwayz been there." After Anthony left, Mom asked, "What did U say" while Dad raised his eyebrowz and looked hopeful. DON'T friggin' B hopeful abt Anthony, Mom and Dad. Paul! PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL! NEway, Liz closed her eyez, and she looked smug while saying, "I can't discuss NEthing, remember?
C what I mean? All this testimony stuff has been taking place inside he ctroom, and all I get 2 tell U abt is the lame stuff that ppl sed out in the corridor and in the coffee shop. Gah!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:07 AM
10 Comments:
At 9:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I am writing this from the hospital. I am too sick to read your writings today, but I thought I would let you know where I am. I am the sickest today I have been in a long time. I tried to call your sister about it, but she said she can’t discuss anything. Please tell her I am very sick. I feel like my heart has been pulled out from my chest, stomped on, and swept up in the trash by a broom with a handle that looked like a large, untrimmed miishidoon (moustache). The doctors are running a lot of tests, but they haven’t found anything yet. My friend, Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, is coming to see me in hospital from where she lives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). All I have to do is ask, and she’ll always be there. Actually, I didn’t ask, but she is coming anyway. I suppose niijiiwag (true friends) like Chipper don’t have to be asked. I hope I get better soon. I think today is probably the worst day of my life. I hope things are well with you and my sweet girl.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:37 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I guess you didn’t find out the true story of how Anthony’s testimony went. Well, mom got dad to tell all the details, as much as dad could remember. Apparently it was so dull to dad, he passed out for much of it. Then Anthony mentioned something about how it was important for a man to maintain a hobby, even after he is married, like astronomy or model trains, and that woke dad up. Dad doesn’t remember much of Anthony’s testimony that didn’t involve trains, but he was certainly impressed Anthony could find a way to work them into a witness for a criminal case about sexual assault. The one thing mom really wanted to know, you did know, which was what Anthony said to Liz after he got out of the courtroom. I am pretty sure mom was expecting a marriage proposal, but she thinks dad may have messed it up by reminding the Lizardbreath and Anthony, they are not allowed to discuss anything about the case. If Liz could have told Anthony how much she appreciated his fighting ability, even though he appeared so easygoing, mom thinks that would have spurred Anthony on to a proposal. It’s only a matter of time before it happens. So, mom is a little mad at dad right now. Dad, however, can’t stop talking about what a great job Anthony did in the courtroom. I am getting a little jealous. Dad only praises me when I do things like rake the leaves or pick him up from an airport. When Anthony marries Liz (assuming he ever gets off his fanny and proposes), then he may be tough competition in the “getting praise from dad department.” Of course, those things are not important to me. What's important is that Liz gets her proposal.
Do you think dad likes Anthony more than me? Now that I think about it, Dad never comes to visit me at my work or comes to my apartment to visit my family, but he has visited Anthony at his work several times. It's best not to think about it.
I wonder. If I started dressing like Dad, the way Anthony does...No. Put it out of your mind, Michael. You have a best-selling novel to finish.
Of course, Anthony already has a house and I don't. Maybe Dad likes guys better who own their own houses. Wrong. Michael. Wrong. Anthony is perfect for Liz. He is her childhood sweetheart. It doesn't matter what Dad thinks.
I think I need to call Mom and ask her what Dad thinks about me.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, if zapata henderson asks u where i am, tell her u can’t discuss anything. that wud work, i think.
At 11:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't know why you keep insisting that what Anthony told me last summer about his marriage was something bad, he just wanted to share with me his hardships, like misery loves company, also he wanted to comfort me by letting me know that even though I got gone after, there was still one man in the world who would be happy to marry me, and that man was Anthony, even though I am tainted by being called a complainant in a sexual assault case and also for living with Eric even though we had separate bedrooms, I thought that was really great of him to let me know that, so why do you keep calling it a "mind(bad word for sex stuff)"?
Also that was a very nice moment at the courthouse the other day I guess I kind of forgot I wasn't supposed to talk about the trial, good thing Dad was there, gosh, I hope I get to marry a guy just like him, anyway, then Anthony told me he would always be there for me which is very nice of him, it is good to know that I can marry him whenever I want to, I'm just not sure if I would want to do that, but you know, it's nice he's there, just in case I ever make up my mind, you know how confused I am about everything.
Oh and by the way Paul, I am sorry to hear about your heart problem, you are very young for that but then again maybe your heart is feeling bad because you feel guilty about not getting that transfer I told you to get, but anyway I am sorry you are sick, maybe we can talk on Skype tonight, I don't know, now I am back at work I have a lot to do, I have to go now, the kids are almost back from art class.
Liz
At 12:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
paul, i'm so sorry u r not well! that soundz just terrible.
zeremy, i've not seen zapata.
liz, anthony shda been making sure u were ok, not dumping his personal b.s. on u. and stop thinking abt marrying him. u're w/PAUL, remember? btw, did mike say nething i shd care abt. i am of course still boycotting his posts. he knowz what he needz 2 do if he wants me 2 start reading them again.
apes
At 3:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You need to stop telling me who to marry, it is none of your business you little brat, I can marry anybody I want to, or think about marrying anybody I want to, Paul has not proposed to me so I am a free woman and also I am starting to think he does not really care about me after all he has not gotten that transfer yet, I am more than a little miffed with him right now, I don't know why you think it's any of your business, if I started telling you to break up with Gerald and marry Duncan you would tell me to butt out, so you need to butt out of my life, you're being a jerk, and also, if I don't mind that Anthony wanted to talk about his marriage in the park that day then it was okay and also none of your business, basically you are just a huge busybody and if you don't stop it I am going to do the following things:
1. Beat you up,
2. Tell Dad on you and get him to ground you,
3. Tell Mom on you and get you a list of chores from her,
4. Beat you up if you don't do your chores,
5. Make it so you can only have the bathroom for 30 minutes in the middle of the night,
6. Take back all the great clothes I gave you,
7. Beat you up for all the stuff you did in the past I should of beat you up for, like trying on all my panties,
8. Beat you up every time you butt into my life,
9. Call Gerald and tell him you told me Duncan is your soulmate,
10. Call Candace to come over and help me beat you up,
basically, you are a horrible person April and I wish you were off the planet, you big fat jerkface.
Liz
At 4:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, it's been 2 1/2 years since ur sis last beat u up. she'z old & fat now. i think u can take her.
by the way, if zapata henderson asks u wut we did wen we went out dancin' last week, tell her u can’t discuss anything. that wud b the safest i think.
At 6:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
zeremy, u r rite, i think i cd totally take liz now. i've been kickboxing, yo.
but u know what? she totally isn't worth it. consider me butted out, liz. this is the end of me giving a shizz abt u. go ahead and ruin yr fool life.
ah, that felt good.
zapata asked me what zeremy and i did when we went out dancing w/dunc and zandra, and i sed i cdn't discuss nething. it seemz i sed it in an especially gothy way, and zapata got so distracted telling me so, she totally 4got what she was asking me abt.
apes
At 8:31 PM,
howard said…
April,
It looks like Anthony can’t discuss anything about his testimony. I don’t have those kinds of restrictions, so let me tell you how Anthony Caine’s testimony went.
After he was sworn in, Anthony asked Judge Patterlover if he could have a chair to sit in, but Judge Patterlover simply said that the witness box does not have chairs.
As with your sister Elizabeth, Judge Patterlover did the examination-in-chief himself, instead of the Crown attorney.
Judge Patterlover: Mr. Caine, is the man accused of assaulting Elizabeth Patterson in this courtroom?
Anthony Caine: Yes, your honor.
Me: {to my lawyer Mr. Benis} Isn’t it honour?
Mr. Benis: We’ve been through this before, Howard. 65% of people under the age of 30 in Canada drop the “u”. Only old people say “honour”.
Judge Patterlover: Please identify him.
Anthony Caine: I will perform a patented Rex Kwan Do kata and at the conclusion, my right foot will be pointed at the accused. {Anthony lands on the floor after making a series of elaborate moves, which could be best described as “The effect hallucinogenic drugs would have on a crippled chicken.”}
Judge Patterlover: You’re identifying the ceiling light.
Anthony Caine: Sorry, your honor. I guess I must have been too subtle in my movements. It’s the guy with the clown red hair sitting at that table in front of me.
Judge Patterlover: Thank you, Mr. Caine. Now, in your own words, tell the court exactly what occurred between you and the accused on August 11th, 2005.
Me: {to my lawyer Mr. Benis} When you say the month and the year, do you still put the “th” sound after 11? I think it’s supposed to be 11, not 11th.
Mr. Benis: We’ve been through this before, Howard. 65% of people under the age of 30 in Canada add the “th”. Only old people say “11”.
Anthony Caine: I want to be accurate. I want to be fair. I don’t want to sound as though I hate you, Howard…but…I do.
Judge Patterlover: You don’t need to make any disparaging remarks about the accused. We all hate him too. Just get to your account.
Anthony Caine: Did I say that out loud? Sorry, your honor. This is how it happened. At first I thought Howard was joking…but he wasn’t. I fought with him. I begged him to let me go. I screamed for help. I thought no one could hear me. All the other employees were outside. But one of my friends was there. He pulled Howard away from me and…
Judge Patterlover: {interrupting} Mr. Caine. We want to hear the story from your perspective, not Elizabeth Patterson’s.
Me: {to my lawyer Mr. Benis} Anthony Caine just quoted Elizabeth’s testimony verbatim.
Mr. Benis: Your honor. Clearly Mr. Caine has been sharing information with Miss Patterson.
Judge Patterlover: Mr. Caine. Did you and Miss Patterson speak about her testimony outside the courtroom before you came in?
Anthony Caine: No, your honor. Sylvia told us not to.
Judge Patterlover: That’s good enough for me. Now, Mr. Caine, perhaps you can tell the court exactly what occurred between you and the accused, and you can remember that you were not the person being attacked.
Anthony Caine: Yes, your honor. My mom had the baby that day, so I decided to take some time off. I decided I wanted to see Elizabeth. I just wanted to talk. So, I drove over to Lakeshore Landscaping where Elizabeth works. I love having long conversations with people at work, and I knew Elizabeth would be just the same. When I got there, I saw Howard and Elizabeth fighting behind the front desk. Howard was grabbing her shirt with both his hands. I grabbed his neck with my left arm and threw him to the ground. This was before I learned Rex Kwan Do. If I had known then what I know now, I would have taken Howard down with a roundhouse kick. {Anthony demonstrated a roundhouse kick, nearly missing Judge Patterlover and falling to the floor.}
Judge Patterlover: There is no need to demonstrate, Mr. Caine.
Anthony Caine: Yes, your honor.
Judge Patterlover: Mr. Caine, why did you throw the accused to the ground? Was there something about the way Howard grabbed the shirt that told he was interesting in something more than getting a shirt from Elizabeth Patterson?
Anthony Caine: Liz was yelling for help and Howard said he liked things a little rough. I am pretty sure he wasn’t talking about Liz’s skin, although sometimes she could stand to use a little body lotion on her dry spots, particularly on her elbows.
Judge Patterlover: Mr. Caine, it wouldn’t make sense to throw the accused to the ground for trying to put body lotion on Miss Patterson. What did you think the accused planned to do?
Anthony Caine: It’s horrible to think about, but I believe the accused planned to kiss her a lot, then do some naughty things to her, then knock her unconscious and burn down Lakeshore Landscaping with her unconscious in it.
Me: {to my lawyer Mr. Benis} Where did that come from?
Mr. Benis: Your honor. Is the Crown accusing my client of attempted murder and arson? Mr. Caine is not qualified to speculate on this subject.
Judge Patterlover: Mr. Caine. Will you state your qualifications for determining murder and arson?
Anthony Caine: Yes, your honor. I am helping Dr. John Patterson with financial investments and I am responsible for all the successes Gordon Mayes of Mayes Midtown Motors has been having with his expansions, using my financial savvy.
Judge Patterlover: He’s seems qualified to me.
Mr. Benis: Your honor. I fail to see the connection between financial investments, murder and arson.
Judge Patterlover: Defence counsel is obviously not familiar with how rough the financial investment world is. Very well. Mr. Caine, if you could tell us what happened next, and leave out the part about murder and arson.
Anthony Caine: Yes, your honor. Then I straddled Howard’s left leg, pinned down his right arm, and tweaked his ear really hard until he agreed to apologize for attacking Liz. Then I got him and told him to get up, and get out. It wasn’t until then I knew I could fight, if I had something worth fighting for.
Judge Patterlover: And that something was Elizabeth Patterson?
Anthony Caine: I suppose so, although I remember being really concerned my glasses didn’t get broken, so it might have been them.
Judge Patterlover: You really mean Elizabeth Patterson, don’t you?
Anthony Caine: Yes, your honor.
Judge Patterlover: Then what happened next?
Anthony Caine: Elizabeth told me what happened, between her and Howard, and then she hugged me. {audible sigh from the public}
Anthony Caine: Then some of the other guys she worked came out and told how much they wanted to punch Howard out, and I was lucky to get the chance to do it legitimately. I was feeling bad I told Howard to leave, because then the other guys would have had a chance to hit him too. Then they said for Liz to take the rest of the day off and they would tell Lawrence what happened. I volunteered to take Liz home, since she was a bit shaky.
Judge Patterlover: So, you did what Elizabeth Patterson’s coworkers told her to do. Did you know the normal practice in cases where someone was sexually assaulted, is that she should be taken immediately to a hospital emergency room, without bathing or changing her clothes before she goes and alert the police from there?
Anthony Caine: I do now. I didn’t know that then.
Judge Patterlover: What did you do when you found out the proper procedure?
Anthony Caine: You just told me. Am I supposed to do something?
Judge Patterlover: Nevermind.
Anthony Caine: Yes, your honor.
Judge Patterlover: Then you took Elizabeth Patterson home, where she would be safe, just as her coworkers recommended.
Anthony Caine: Yes, your honor. Except we stopped at a park to talk before we got home. Other than that, we went right to her house. She was completely safe in the park though. Nobody could attack her except me, and of course I wouldn't do that to Liz.
Judge Patterlover: What did you talk about in the park?
Anthony Caine: Our future together. {audible sigh from the public}
Judge Patterlover: Thank you Mr. Caine. Is there anything you care to add?
Anthony Caine: Rex Kwan Do is only $300 for an 8-week program.
That was how the examination-in-chief went. I will have to tell you about the cross-examination later.
Howard Bunt
At 9:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
thanx 4 the report, howard. i m v. v. curious 2 find out abt the cross-xxamination.
apes
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