Mom and Dad try 2 break up Liz and Paul
After Mom, Dad, and Liz had piled in2 the car after Anthony's court testimony, Dad was all, "So, life can return 2 normal now, Liz." Liz was all, "4 a while. I want 2 go back 2 the cthouse 2 hear the verdict." Dad was all, "I must say, yr friend, Anthony, really stood his ground. They asked sum tuff questions, and he handled them well. He's a good man. I've alwayz like him. He's honest, hard-working, smart, funny and kind." Then, Mom looked over her shoulder @ Liz, all "And he sure cares 4 U, Elizabeth." So, what xxactly is the rule 4 switching fr. "Liz" 2 "Elizabeth?" NEway, Liz was, like, "Mom? Dad? STOP it!! I HAVE a man in my life!" And Mom actually sed, "He mite B in yr life... But where is he when U need him?"
O. M. G. OK, since Liz wants me 2 BUTT OUT of her LIFE, I WON'T say how friggin' unfair it is of Mom 2 say that. I WON'T pt out that Anthony was "there" b-cuz he had a friggin' subpoena 2 testify in the case. I ALSO won't mention that an "honest" man doesn't hold a torch 4 his hs gf all while getting engaged, married, and spawning w/a woman he DOESN'T luv, all the while not clueing in this woman, who nonetheless suspects as much, then acting like this woman is an awful, jealous shrew when she sez as much.
I won't say all those things. But NE an' all of U, readerz, feel free 2 say whatevs.
Apes
O. M. G. OK, since Liz wants me 2 BUTT OUT of her LIFE, I WON'T say how friggin' unfair it is of Mom 2 say that. I WON'T pt out that Anthony was "there" b-cuz he had a friggin' subpoena 2 testify in the case. I ALSO won't mention that an "honest" man doesn't hold a torch 4 his hs gf all while getting engaged, married, and spawning w/a woman he DOESN'T luv, all the while not clueing in this woman, who nonetheless suspects as much, then acting like this woman is an awful, jealous shrew when she sez as much.
I won't say all those things. But NE an' all of U, readerz, feel free 2 say whatevs.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:32 AM
11 Comments:
At 7:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
April, you've got a lot of growing up to do, and I have to agree with some of the "jerkface" sentiments expressed yesterday. Someday your brother should teach you about the different kinds of honesty that allow us to get through life without a lot of noise and tears. You'll learn, eventually.
I've learned a lot about myself at this trial. Like the need to answer attorney questions promptly. You can't say "I'll get back to you" on the stand and then take the afternoon off, or have Donna call him back because you can't figure it out. I've also learned that portable video displays aren't allowed on the stand, even if you don't use the headphones.
I think Liz has learned a good deal about herself too. I'm not really sure who Paul is, except that he has a friend called Susan Dokis, who he calls Chipper, but I don't think he's cut out for the kind of long-term friend support of Liz that someone with years of experience knowing her or working in one of our better mental health institutions brings.
Liz is a creative and mysterious woman, and you've got to be ready to have the fates rule your life and demand that you rearrange things at the drop of a hat (or a hint from her mom, like my becoming more assertive and masculine through Rex Kwan Do). I never knew I had an interest in astronomy until Mrs. Patterson told me Liz was taking a second-hand telescope up north so the little First Nations kids could be taught about the stars before they got to the brake-fluid drinking age. So myself, Francois as recording secretary, and RealDoll E.P. as treasurer formed an astronomy club.
To really support Liz you have to be ready to absolve any wrong, follow any whim, support any belief, and not mind junk piling up or a twitchy cat with half its fur licked off. I don't think just any guy is ready for the challenge, but I've certainly got nothing better to do.
Francoise is rattling her picket fence again. Gotta get the hose.
Anthony
At 9:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hadda a lotta success avoiding zapata henderson yesterday, but not so much 2day. she came up 2 me & sed, “zeremy. ru tryin’ 2 avoid me?” i sed, “i missed ur test 4 b-ing a z-boy on saturday, but zandra larson told me there wuzn’t ne kind of test, & mom sed u were mad i wuz out w/april patterson, & i thot u alreddy had a bf.” zapata sed, “gr8 run-on sentence zeremy, & actin’ all depressed & scared of me iz kinda charmin’ in a renfield kinda way. i just wanted 2c if u wanted 2 hang w/me iz all.” i sed, “wut ‘bout ur bf, eldritch?” zapata sed, “i gotta tell u, he’z a prob. the othah day, i wuz in the car w/my mom & dad aftah they picked me & eldritch up frum the police station. dad wuz all, ‘i must say, yr friend, eldritch, really stood his ground. they asked sum tuff questions, & he handled them well. he's a good man. i've alwayz like him. he's honest, hard-working, smart, funny & kind.’ then, mom looked over her shoulder @ me, all '& he sure cares 4 u, zapata.’ & i wuz like, ‘mom? dad? stop it!! eldritch just got me & him put in jail!’ & mom actually sed, ‘he mite have got u put in jail…but he is there when u need him. thass wut’s mportant.’ i cudn’t b-lieve it. i thot 4 sure, eldritch wuz the kinda guy my ‘rents wud h8 & then they say they like him. a z-girl needs a z-boy 4 a bf, her ‘rents despise, like zandra larson’s ‘rents can’t stand duncan anderson.” i sed, “i don’t think it’s that bad.” zapata sed, “mebbe. but every1 n mboro h8s u aftah wut happed @the gym jam, so ur like perfect bf material.” i sed, “ur only innerested in me, cuz u think ur ‘rents will h8 me.” zapata sed, “that & u look like ur 40. mom iz gonna h8 that 2.” i sed, “no thanx, zapata. i prefer a gf who actually likes me 4 me & not the h8 i represent. pickin’ me wud b like pickin’ a bf 4 no othah reasn than he lives close by & ignorin’ all his othah qualities. i gotta say ‘no’ 2 ur kind request.” zapata sed, “we’ll c. u go long enuff w/o a gf, & mebbe u’ll reconsider. we’re still friendz, eh?” i sed, “sure. i can do friendz.” & thass kinda how that went.
At 9:36 AM,
duncan anderson said…
PC Wright,
I feel 4 u, d00d, even tho I dont rilly have a v. good relationship w/ police since they keep charging me w/ crap & wont let me run away from home till Im 16.
But this is rilly rilly harsh. U r like 750 miles away & its snowing up there & prolly alot of the roads r already closed 4 the season & u have yr job 2 do, I guess, tho I dont like yr job.
If Liz dumps u @ least u wont age prematurely & u will nevah have 2 eat ne of Mrs P's nasty cooking, esp her seafood surprise.
L8r.
At 9:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I am so confused, on one hand, a boyfriend in the hand is worth two in the bush, and even though Anthony is here in Milborough and not in the bush, he is only one, so Paul is worth two times Anthony by that saying, but then again, is Anthony really in the bush, because he sort of told me he would like to marry me last year, but a proposal while a guy is married doesn't count, and he hasn't proposed again since he got unmarried, so it would seem like the score is Paul=1, Anthony=1/2, but then Paul isn't here when I need him and he never got that transfer like I told him and he's had like 6 months now, and Anthony has been waiting here in Milborough for me all along, even when he was married, it was only because I wasn't ready for him yet, so the score is probably actually Paul=1, Anthony=1 1/2, but then again, even though Anthony is honest, hardworking, smart, funny, and kind, Paul is handsomer, so that's a wash, but then again, thinking about the there for me when I need him thing, I am pretty needy because my life is so amazing, it's one amazing happening after another, and remember Eric was never there for me, like Mom pointed out, if a boyfriend misses your brother's wedding, you should dump him, he's definitely no good, so I am going to ask her what she thinks about trials later, I am so confused.
Liz
At 1:03 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
April,
The other day my bro was walking back from that pizza place that's right across from the bookstore, w/ a couple of large pepperoni's 4 lunch @ with the guys @ the fire station. He said he'd barely started down the block when the door 2 Lilliput's opens & ur mom comes out, still in mid-lecture, telling Moira bout how she should arrange her xmas displays. Then she spotted Brad & came over & started asking him how things were going w/Toni Daytona. He told her that was history cause Toni can't get over Dirk. But then ur Mom started going on about how Toni has always been there when Brad needed her, like doing those Reddy the fire truck shows @ schools. Brad was totally confused, & said, "what r u talking about? That was part of her job." But ur mom just went on about how Toni sure cared 4 him. So he said something about having 2 get back 2 the station b4 the pizza got cold, inched past her, & hustled down the street.
Conversations w/ ur mom r totally crazy making.
Luann
At 1:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I am made it back from the hospital. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me. Then suddenly I felt a lot better, for no reason at all, and the doctors had no explanation for it either. It just felt like life could return to normal again. My friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) had planned to come to the hospital, but it is very difficult to travel between Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and Spruce Narrows. As your friend Duncan Anderson pointed out, it has been snowing a lot here. Once there is a big thick snowfall, you can only travel by snow machines or sleds between Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and Spruce Narrows. Chipper was very sad. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me). You don’t hate me because I wasn’t there for you at the hospital, do you?” I told her she was crazy for even thinking something like that. My friendship with Chipper doesn’t depend on her coming to visit me in Otter County when every little thing happens to me. That would be silly. I told Chipper she and I would be friends no matter where we lived. After all, thanks to modern technology, I can still talk to Chipper every day, just like I talk to your sister every day.
I read your writings today about your noos (father) and your ngashi (mother) driving your sister home from the trial. I wish I could have been there with my sweet girl when she was testifying, but the trial date kept getting changed around, and it’s a 17-hour drive to Toronto from Otter County and another hour to get to Milborough. It is difficult to arrange time off for a court case for a police constable, when you are not testifying in the courtroom yourself. Besides, your sister assured me that since her noos (father) and ngashi (mother) were in town (and you and your nisayenh (brother) and your nokomis (grandmother) and mishomis (grandfather) too), she would have plenty of support. It sounds from your writings that your noos (father) was very impressed with how Elizabeth’s friend Anthony did in the trial. As a police constable, I know how important the corroborating witness is in sexual assault cases. I was happy to hear the Elizabeth’s friend Anthony did well. It will help the verdict go the way my sweet girl will like, although I have had to explain to her that short-drop hangings are not legal in Ontario. Howard should get some prison time for sexually assaulting her, if he is found guilty.
I know you got upset with what your ningitiziim (parents) said about Elizabeth’s friend Anthony to her in the car. Both you and your sister made it seem like your ningitiziim (parents) were pushing Elizabeth’s friend Anthony on her as a new man in her life. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for your ngashi (mother), since she was the one who introduced my sweet girl to me. She is too honourable a woman to do something like push another man on your sister, when she already has a boyfriend. You are so good to quote your ngashi (mother) directly in your writings, and if you read what she and your noos (father) said carefully, all they are saying is that Elizabeth’s friend Anthony did well on the witness stand, he’s a good man, he cares for Elizabeth and he supports her. These are the things a good friend does for someone, but it doesn’t mean a romantic relationship. My friend Susan Dokis is a friend like that. I talk to her and spend time with her, but she knows my heart is with your sister.
Sometimes I think you don’t understand the effect your sister has on people. She is very good at making powerfully, strong friendships with very little effort. I have to work much harder to do what your sister does so easily. It does not surprise me; she has such a good friend as Anthony in her hometown. When she was in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), if you just looked at your sister and what she did in the town, you would think people would be happy to see her go, but instead they loved her and gave her a spirit name, which is a high honour for the Ojibway people. She is a very good friend-maker. Whenever your sister mentions Anthony to me, she always says, “my friend Anthony” so I don’t get worried. And I notice, when you quoted your noos (father), he said the same thing. Don’t worry, April. I trust your sister completely. She understands why I couldn’t be there at her trial, and I trust her that her friend is nothing but that.
Your ningitiziim (parents) and your sister are impatient for me to get my transfer. I understand that. I am impatient too. I have to remind them that Ontario Provincial Police constables in the Northwest have to commit to a duration of at least 3 years to a detachment before they can go someplace else, and the Otter County detachment has only existed for 2 years. In order for me to get my transfer, the OPP has to waive that rule, and the OPP Department of Highway Safety in Ontario has to have a job vacancy. These things take time. Don’t worry. I will get to Toronto eventually. You can count on it.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I got a call from Anthony Caine. He said, “Michael, old buddy. I got back from the courthouse and I killed there, but not literally of course, just my testimony. Your dad was very impressed. He said I really stood my ground and I really handled the tough questions well. It was a lot better than I got from your sister, April, in her Real Blog. You should teach her about the different kinds of honesty that allow us to get through life without a lot of noise and tears. And by the way, your dad has been telling your sister Elizabeth I am a good man and he’s always liked me. He said I am honest, hard-working, smart, funny and kind. I guess he really liked that cinnamon bun joke I told him the last time he visited me to talk at my work along with the free coffee and cinnamon buns. Set your sister, April, straight, would you? Thanks. Bye.”
I won’t lie to you. What you wrote in your Real Blog shook me up. There were more sentences complimenting Anthony coming from Dad in one car trip than I have gotten from Dad in over 3 years. I felt very jealous. After all, I am old enough to remember that Tracey Mayes used to have to help Anthony with the accounting, and Gordon Mayes practically gift-wrapped his old house to Anthony so he would have a place to live and raise his child.
Anthony wants me to tell you about the kinds of honesty that allow us to get through life without a lot of noise and tears. Well, I called up Dad, and was going to have it out with him, but then my father taught me a lesson and I will share it with you. I said to Dad, “What about all this stuff you’ve been saying about Anthony?” Dad said, “What stuff?” I said, “’Honest, hard-working, smart, funny and kind.’ That kind of thing.” Dad said, “Well, Michael. You know me pretty well. What do I want most in life?” I said, “Right now, you want the George Stibbs’ house to retire to, so you can put up all your trains on his oversized lot.” Dad said, “Right. And what is keeping me from moving there?” I said, “Mom.” Dad said, “Right again. And why?” I said, “She wants to have space for your kids and grandchildren.” Dad said, “If the constable moves to Toronto, will he have a house, or will he have to move into my house?” I said, “Move into your house?” Dad said, “Right a third time. And if Elizabeth marries Anthony, where will she live?” I said, “Anthony’s house.” Dad said, “That’s right a fourth time. So, why am I saying all these nice things about Anthony?” I said, “Trains.” Dad said, “Yes, son. So, don’t worry your pretty little head about any compliments you hear from me about Anthony.”
So, little sis, that is one of the best examples of the different kinds of honesty that allow us to get through life without a lot of noise and tears. Whenever, I hear Dad complimenting Anthony to Elizabeth, I will know the real truth is trains. That made me feel a lot better. Of course, now if I get a compliment for something I do, I will wonder if it is really me or trains. It’s best not to think about those things.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
This hard-bitten, tough, grizzled defender of Her Majesty's laws has seen a lot in his years of service to the good people of Canada, from horribly mangled half-breeds freshly unearthed from the permafrost, to the still-steaming victims of ravenous, blood-crazed wolf packs. Nothing has prepared me, however, for the latest developments in your elder sister's love life.
Should I make public my suspicions that Anthony is the sicko "astronomy buff" window-peeper who has been terrorizing the whole town? I fear that this would only cement your parents' perverse affection for the man. "Anthony loves looking through his telescope, Liz; indeed he told me he really, really 'likes to look.'" Hand it to your Dad; years of marriage have inured him to evil and made him see the bright side of anything.
Should I try to warn my old academy room-mate, Constable Paul Wright? A terribly likeable chap, he seems oblivious to what is going down down south, and probably thinks it would be noble to step aside for the rather pathetic Anthony, who needs a good mother to take care of his daughter - who will otherwise spend her youth caged in a basement.
Perhaps we should arrange for a manly fight to the death, with Anthony, Constable Paul, and Warren the chopper pilot each armed with identical chainsaws? I fear the force would regard this as dueling, long prohibited by HM Queen Victoria by royal decree.
Perhaps you should just start thinking of Anthony as the older brother you never had. (Michael being, ahem, well, you know.)
Yours in frustration,
Sgt. Royalson
At 4:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
April Dear,
I must admit I was a little surprised to hear of your parents’ acceptance, even encouragement, of Anthony Caine as a suitable mate for your sister Elizabeth.
In my day, divorce was not something taken as lightly as it is today. People only divorced if the marriage could not be salvaged for any reason, especially when there were children involved. It was seen as a necessary evil, but one to be avoided at all costs. Marriage is for LIFE!
This is why I am curious as to John and Elly’s reasoning. While Mr. Caine is a nice man, he is divorced, which means he did not take his marriage vows seriously. Indeed, he treated his marriage vows in such a cavalier fashion he asked your sister to “wait for him” while he was still married. That is emotional adultery and, in my opinion, makes Mr. Caine considerably less of an eligible bachelor. He also works in an automobile service station, and his child is not only part French but just this side of a bastard.
On the other hand, Constable Paul Wright seems to be a fine upstanding citizen with an excellent career serving the public, and who has never been married. While it’s true he is part Native, that fact only adds to his appeal as the Pattersons are supposedly known for their eager acceptance of people of other cultures. Think of the beautiful part-Native children Paul and Elizabeth could produce in their marriage, unsullied by a step-child and an evil French ex-wife. Also, think of the wedding announcement in the paper. Which sounds better: “Elizabeth Patterson married Paul Wright in a gorgeous ceremony in a lovely church last Saturday with the full blessing of the entire community. It is the first marriage for both,” or “Elizabeth Patterson married Anthony Caine in a civil ceremony because they couldn’t get married in a church due to Mr. Caine’s divorce. It is the first marriage for Mrs. Caine and the second for Mr. Caine, as he is divorced from his first wife.” For the life of me, I cannot understand why your mother would put up with this sort of public shaming. It will be the talk of the town for years to come.
Then again, maybe this is Elly’s intention. After all, Elizabeth ruined herself with that Eric she lived in sin with in college, which means she really has no morals to speak of. A decent woman would have saved herself for marriage, so perhaps she really doesn’t deserve better.
Much Love,
Iris Richards
At 6:28 PM,
April Patterson said…
anthony, i saw tracey mayes after school 2day. she told me she heard u muttering, "y, dear god, must i b so devoted 2 elizabeth patterson? it's like i'm possessed by a creative and mysterious little devil!"
zeremy, i don't blame u, i wdn't wanna b w/sum1 just 2 piss of their 'rents. i kinda piss off ger's 'rents, but that's just a side effect, not the reason we're 2gether. i think. and hope.
eva tells me mike posted sumthing abt how dad's only trying 2 get liz and anthony 2gether so liz will move outta the house insteada paul having 2, like, move in, and this is y he compliments anthony, so mike doesn't hafta feel jellus. hm, mayB i oughta mention that if paul an' liz got 2gether, they cd totally get a place of their own. i'm pretty sure paul wd insist on that.
paul, u r so trusting and nice. u know what? i totally hope u r rite. i want u 2 b rite abt all this!
sgt. royalson, i can't say i'm surprised abt yr peeper suspicions. i'm pretty sure i caught anthony peeping @ me one nite when he, like, got the windowz mixed up.
iris, what can i say? i don't understand my mom on this, either!
luann, getting rid of toni daytona was one of the smartest thingz brad ever did. i know u consider "smart thingz brad has dun" 2 b a pretty short list, but u know what i mean!!!
apes
At 8:15 PM,
howard said…
April,
The cross-examination of Anthony Caine, as best I remember it. It didn’t start well. My lawyer, Mr. Benis, the defence counsel asked, “Mr. Caine. How long have you known the complainant, Miss Elizabeth Patterson?” Then Anthony got quiet and he said, “Let me see. I think it was in 1994, or was it in 1995, or maybe 1996. I'll get back to you.” Then he ran out of the courtroom, with Judge Patterlover calling after him to stop.
Then your dad got up and said, “Don’t worry. Anthony Caine is a good man. He’ll be back shortly. There must have been some other person to rescue. Perhaps an old lady crossing the street, or someone with a kitten caught in a tree.”
So we waited and waited. Then a cell phone started ringing and it was one your dad had. He said, “It’s Donna from Mayes Midtown Motors. She says Anthony is going through all his Elizabeth Patterson memorabilia trying to figure out when they first met and he can’t figure it out.” Judge Patterlover said, “Give me that phone.” So your dad handed it over and after much discussion, Judge Patterlover convinced Anthony Caine that a generic answer like 9-11 years ago would be sufficient to answer the question, and he needed to come back to the courtroom.
When he finally arrived, he had with him a portable video display, with a set of headphones around his ears and a lawn chair. My lawyer, Mr. Benis said, “Mr. Caine, you’re not allowed to have that in the witness box.” Anthony was humming along to something playing on the portable video display. Judge Patterlover said, “Mr. Caine remove your headphones.” Anthony continued humming and I recognized it as the theme to the Teletubbies television show. Finally Judge Patterlover said, “Bailiff, remove the portable video display and headphones and lawn chair from Mr. Caine.” He did. Anthony said, “Can I use the portable video display without the headphones?” Judge Patterlover said, “No!!!” Anthony said, “Can’t I keep the lawn chair?” Judge Patterlover said, “No!!! The defence counsel may now proceed with cross-examination, and Mr. Caine, you must remain in the courtroom to answer the questions.” Anthony said, “If I traveled in time, but stayed in the same place in the courtroom, would that be allowed?” Judge Patterlover said, “No! Stay in this time and this space.” Anthony said, “Yes sir.” Judge Patterlover said, “That’s ‘Yes, your honour.’” Anthony defiantly said, “Yes, your honor.” Once Anthony was in the witness box, this is what happened next:
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Mr. Caine. You testified you entered Lakeshore Landscaping on August 11th, 2005 to have a conversation with Miss Elizabeth Patterson.”
Anthony Caine: Was that the day Elizabeth was attacked?
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Yes.
Anthony Caine: Then that’s right. That’s when I went.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Then in your later testimony, you testified that you and Elizabeth Patterson talked about your future together.
Anthony Caine: That’s right. We went to a park and sat under a tree. It was very romantic. {audible sigh from public.}
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: You were married at the time, were you not?
Anthony Caine: That’s right, but I already knew my marriage was not going to work. My wife was from Quebec and she didn’t want to take care of our daughter. She said I could have the baby, as if our daughter was something to give away. {audible gasp from public}
John Patterson: It’s so easy to lie to an honest guy.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: If I understand you correctly, you are saying that you went on August 11, 2005 to Lakeshore Landscaping to discuss with Elizabeth Patterson how your marriage was not going to work and to plan your future together.
Anthony Caine: That’s right. I thought you weren’t going to understand that, because a lot of people don’t, but you seem to have gotten it. You’re a lot smarter than you look.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Thank you for the backhanded compliment, Mr. Caine. Now back to August 11th , 2005. Can you describe for the court the front office at Lakeshore Landscaping?
Anthony Caine: I could go take a picture of it.
Judge Patterlover: Stay in the witness box, Mr. Caine.
Anthony Caine: Yes, your honuur. Lakeshore Landscaping has a plate glass window in the front, shelves of plant things on the sides, and a back exit to the garden.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: When you went into Lakeshore Landscaping where was Miss Elizabeth Patterson?
Anthony Caine: She was behind the front desk fighting with Howard.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Would you describe for the court the desk where Elizabeth Patterson was working?
Anthony Caine: It’s one of those square desks where you can talk to people on all sides.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: So, you came to Lakeshore Landscaping and you see Miss Patterson being attacked inside this square front desk. What was happening?
Anthony Caine: Howard had his hands on her and she was hitting him in the face. Then she turned to run, and he grabbed her from behind. She was screaming for someone to help and so I did.
John Patterson: Anthony Caine is so smart, he can figure out when someone is being attacked and needs help.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: When you went in to defend Miss Patterson and throw the accused to the floor, where did the accused land?
Anthony Caine: He was on the floor outside the square desk.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: If the accused was inside the square desk when he was attacking Miss Patterson, then how did he end up outside the square desk?
Anthony Caine: I dragged him there with my left arm around his neck like this. {Demonstrates.} He made a funny “Erk” sound when I did it. It sounded like this, “Erk. Erk. Erk.”
John Patterson: {Laughing} Anthony Caine makes me laugh. He is so funny.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Let me see if I understand this correctly. You see the accused grabbing Miss Patterson inside the square desk, and then you drag him out of the desk and throw him to the ground.
Anthony Caine: That’s right. You don’t want to throw someone to the ground inside the square desk. They might get their head hurt on the desk.
John Patterson: That’s Anthony for you. There are few people who are kinder than he is.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: I must say, Mr. Caine, Dr. Patterson is right. You are very considerate to someone you thought was attacking the woman with whom you planned to have a future. What did you think would have happened to Elizabeth, if you hadn’t been there?
Anthony Caine: Kiss her a lot, then do some naughty things to her, then knock her unconscious and…um…just kiss her a lot and do some naughty things to her.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: By naughty things, you mean you thought the accused was going to rape Miss Patterson?
Anthony Caine: I would never say it that way, but yes, that’s correct.
John Patterson: Anthony Caine would never say the word “rape.” That’s one of the reasons I have always liked him.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Why did you think “rape”? Were his genitals exposed, or the fly of his pants open?
Anthony Caine: You are using a lot of naughty words. {To Judge Patterlover} Is he allowed to say those words?
Judge Patterlover: Defence counsel. Please reword to less naughty.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Yes, your honour. Mr. Caine. Why did you think the accused was going to do something naughty with Miss Patterson? Could you see his boy parts? Did he need to XYZ (examine your zipper)?
Anthony Caine: No. But it was so obvious that’s what he was going to do. I could see it in his eyes. When I got there, he was still trying to grab her.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Was he striking Miss Patterson? Or kicking her? Or choking her? Was he even offering to strike her in any way?
Anthony Caine: No. But it was so obvious that’s what he was going to do. I could see it in his eyes
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Was there any other sign, aside from looking in his eyes, Miss Patterson was in any danger?
Anthony Caine: Elizabeth was yelling for help, and she wouldn’t have done that unless she needed help. I know Elizabeth so well; I can read her like a book, a well-covered book of course. When she yells for help, she usually wants help. I have been studying Elizabeth for years.
John Patterson: Anthony Caine is such a hard-working man.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: She needed help getting away from the accused who was grabbing her T-shirt, is that right?
Anthony Caine: Well, he was grabbing her too.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: You don’t think she was putting on a show with the accused to make you jealous?
Anthony Caine: Elizabeth’s not that kind of girl.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Miss Patterson has never flirted with another boy to make you jealous before?
Anthony Caine: There was that one time in high school she went out with another guy to get my attention, but that was a long time ago. Elizabeth would never do that again. Well, she did move in with Eric Chamberlain in university to make me jealous, but after I proposed to Thérèse, to let her know I wasn’t the jealous type, she broke up with him. Of course, Elizabeth used to bring this good-looking gay guy to parties and my wedding where my ex-wife and I were, but it wasn’t intended to make me jealous but to make my ex-wife Thérèse jealous and that’s different. Thérèse is a naturally jealous person. She’s from Quebec.
John Patterson: Anthony Caine is not a jealous man. He cares for Elizabeth, but not in a jealous way.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: If I understand you correctly, then Miss Patterson would not have been flirting with the accused to make you jealous, but she might have been trying to make the accused jealous?
Anthony Caine: Maybe. Is Howard from Quebec? Bunt doesn’t sound like a Quebec name. It sounds more like he came from Baseballtopia. Or maybe I should say Softballtopia for the ladies. Have you ever been there?
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: No, Mr. Caine. Those are not real places.
Anthony Caine: That’s too bad. I would like to go to Baseballtopia sometime.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Mr. Caine. If you thought the accused was going to do naughty things with Miss Patterson, why did you let Howard go? Why didn’t you just keep on sitting on him until the police got there?
Anthony Caine: Howard has sharp bones. Plus with that clown red hair, it’s not like the police wouldn’t be able to find him again. Besides he apologized for being mean to Elizabeth. That was good enough for me. It would have been good enough for Elizabeth too, but her boss made her press charges. I’m glad I don’t work for him.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Just an apology, eh? I must say, Mr. Caine, you are very forgiving of someone you thought wanted to do naughty things to the woman with whom you planned to have a future.
John Patterson: Anthony Caine wants to believe there’s something good in everyone, because there’s so much good in Anthony Caine.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Mr. Caine. In The Octagon, when Justine played by Karen Carlson, was threatened by the evil ninjas, what did Chuck Norris do to protect her?
Judge Patterlover: Defence counsel. Is there a point to this line of questioning?
Anthony Caine: Oh! Oh! Oh! Let me answer. I know this one.
Judge Patterlover: Very well. You may answer the question, Mr. Caine.
Anthony Caine:3 rabbit punches to the stomach, a puma kick to the side, and a roundhouse kick across his face. Chuck Norris is so great.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: What would have happened if Chuck Norris had not done that? Would the ninja have done naughty things to Justine?
Anthony Caine: Hum! I don’t know if ninjas do naughty things. Chuck Norris always punches them out before they have a chance.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: If a ninja came after Miss Patterson, what would you do?
Anthony Caine: The same as Chuck Norris. Punch him unconscious or maybe dead. You can’t trust ninjas, unless they’re dead or unconscious.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Why didn’t you do that to the accused then? He was trying to do naughty things to Miss Patterson, just like the ninja.
Anthony Caine: Howard?! He’s not a ninja. If he was a ninja, Elizabeth would have been in real trouble. Howard fights like a wimpy girl. I beat him by tweaking his ear. Anyone could punch Howard out, even Elizabeth, if she knew how to fight. I wonder if I get Liz to take Rex Kwan Do lessons with me. It’s only $300 for an 8-week program.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: If I understand you correctly. You defeated the accused by tweaking his ear. You let the accused go after an apology. And after the assault, you took Miss Patterson to a park to talk about your future together. It doesn’t sound like you consider the accused to be much of a threat. Is that correct?
Anthony Caine: Sorry. What was the question again? It’s almost my snack time. It’s hard for me to think about what you are saying until I get my afternoon snack.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: You don’t think the accused is a threat. Is that correct?
Anthony Caine: Well. Elizabeth did say her Lakeshore Landscaping T-shirt didn’t wear the same after Howard pulled on it. He’s probably some kind of T-shirt threat. And he’s pretty ugly. So, he may be a threat to someone’s eyes if they look at him too long. He kind of smells too. I think he wears one of those Eastern European aftershaves.
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: I mean a physical threat, like he would have hurt Miss Patterson.
Anthony Caine: Howard? Hurt Elizabeth? Oh, right. Yes. I remember now. Howard was a majour threat. If I hadn’t been there at just the right time, he would have done naughty things to Elizabeth. I know that for sure. I saw it in his eyes.
John Patterson: Anthony Caine is the bravest of all. He will make someone an excellent son-in-law. {cheers from the public}
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: Mr. Caine. Today, if you saw the accused embracing Miss Patterson, kissing Miss Patterson, what would you do?
Anthony Caine: That’s a tough question, but I can handle it. I think I would…um…get some paper and take notes. Howard is supposed to be a really good kisser, although I have not kissed him myself. My ex-wife said kissing me was like kissing a walrus with shorter teeth. When, I mean if, I were to marry Elizabeth Patterson, I would want to give her the best kisses ever. {audible sigh from public.}
John Patterson That’s the kind of guy Anthony Caine is. When he gets the tough questions, he stands his ground. He can even stand to kiss my daughter and her breath can peal paint off the wall. My son doesn’t call her Lizardbreath for nothing, but Anthony Caine can handle it. He's a good man and great husband material, as long as the wife isn't from Quebec. {cheers from the public}
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: No more questions, your honor.
Me: What do you mean, ‘No more questions.’?
Mr. Benis, defence counsel: {To me} You can only question an imbecile for so long before you start looking like an imbecile yourself.
Judge Patterlover: Very well. Mr. Caine, you are excused. {Anthony stares at him.} That means you can leave the courtroom and go home.
As Anthony and your father left, I could hear your dad say, “You did a great job in there Anthony and don’t worry, I won’t tell Elizabeth a thing you said.” That was the end of Anthony Caine’s testimony, as best I recollect it. I think you can tell why it took so long.
Mr. Benis started calling the defence witnesses today, and I will tell you about them later.
Howard Bunt
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