Snake
Merrie's really in2 the e-mail now. I just got another 1 from her!
Apes
Hi Auntie April. Merrie tell more. Attic Guy and potty. Attic Guy say we need a plumber to get clog out potty. Mommy say maybe Lovey have SNAKE. Merrie scared. Attic Guy say snake is plumbing tool. Then Attic Guy notice time and complain he has work in the attic. And no dinner. And beepy oven broke. Ask what else go wrong. Robin say he need potty. Funny Robin!Huh, I wonder how long Mike an' Dee thot every1 was gonna hold it in, esp since Dee didn't want 2 call a plumber. I say call the plumber, duh.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:50 AM
12 Comments:
At 12:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I read all your posts to your Blog this morning and frankly at zero, it was a great improvement over yesterday’s reading. I see that once again you have received e-mail from my intelligent (takes after her father) daughter, describing my failure as a plumber. She is becoming quite a writer (takes after her father), but she did leave out a few important details of the story (takes after her mother).
As you may remember, Deanna’s father Wilf Sobinski owns a hardware store or 2 in Burlington, and when we moved into our current apartment, her mother Mira Sobinski wanted us to move closer to her. In addition to constantly giving us gifts instead of time, Wilf wanted to give us some hardware to do home repairs. They both thought the arrangement we had made with Lovey Saltzman to reduce our rent by doing our own repairs was a poor idea, and Wilf wanted to give us the equipment to do it. Of course we refused. We have tried again and again to explain to Deanna’s parents about the importance of time instead of gifts, and even though Wilf said we would need the plumber’s helper or snake (as Deanna called it, which confused our daughter), we had to refuse. When will they learn? Time. Not gifts. I know if Wilf had been with me there at the toilet, he would have said, “I told you so.” I’m glad he wasn’t there. I hate it when the Sobinskis say “I told you so.” It happens far too often for my tastes.
When things go wrong, for a Patterson it is time to count up all the things that go wrong. I find if I can make a list, it makes the obligatory Patterson suffering a lot easier, if you know all the reasons. I listed my work, my dinner, and the microwave for a starter, before my son interrupted me. Now, you may also be asking yourself when would I ever use a microwave. If you read my monthly letters carefully, you would see that in my April 2005 monthly letter I specifically mention I use a microwave in the attic to heat up the coffee I always forget to finish. At 9 o’clock, I had an article to finish, editing to do, and no way to heat up the coffee I hadn’t finished. I had to drink fresh coffee, little sis. Fresh! Plus I hadn’t had dinner. Plus Deanna wanted me to go to Lovey Saltzman’s apartment to ask for a plumber’s helper at 9 o’clock. She’s old. She goes to bed early. I love Lovey like a mother, but frankly I don’t want to see Lovey in her nightclothes.
Then my son says, “Daddy? I gotta go.” After I corrected him to tell it was “Got to go” the question was then where to go. Wake up Lovey to see her in her nightclothes? Visit Carleen and Weed and hope they are there and not drinking? Visit the Kelpfroths, and suffer from a stagnation of the soul? Then an idea occurred to me. We could go to my mother’s. Deanna said, “Mike. That’s too far away. Our son will never make it.” I said to my son, “You are about to learn one of the most important parts of being a Patterson and that is how important it is to suffer unnecessarily.” He said, “No go to Grandma Elly.” I said, “What do you mean? She has more than one toilet. It will be perfect. After all Grandma Elly puts the ‘grand’ in grandma.” My son said, “No go.” My daughter said, “You can’t go potty at Grandma Elly’s. Auntie April and Auntie Liz are always fighting in their washroom over shower. Grandma Elly yells if you too long in her washroom. Grandma Elly yells at dogs if they too long in the backyard. I get scared from yelling. Can’t pee. Go to Grandma Mira’s.” It was as if my daughter had stuck a knife in my back with this base betrayal. When it comes to the potty, I always think of my mother first.
So, we came up with a different solution (not going to the Sobinskis of course.) I will tell you about it tomorrow.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, no. not 2 days of talkin’ ‘bout ur bro & his toilet. iz ur life rilly that borin’? since ur bro is doin’ all his own repairs, i’m kinda surprised he duzn’t have a snake. my mom haz a full set of tools ur bro can borrow. since she is a single mom, he hadda learn all that stuff herself. she can snake a toilet. & so can i, evah since i turned 11 & dad accidentally flushed some things of mine down the toilet wen he wuz drunk & thot we were b-ing raided by the police 1 tyme wen he wuz visitin’.
‘course now i think ‘bout it, i wuz talkin’ 2 zandra larson 2day ‘bout if she knew if university of toronto had ne courses in sound engineerin’. then zapata henderson & her bf eldritch showed up. then zapata sed sumthin’ ‘bout how zandra wuz lucky cuz duncan hadda long snake. then eldritch got mad cuz he sed zapata wuz sayin’ his snake wuzn’t long enuff 4 her. while they were fiting, zandra took me by the arm & kinda led me away frum them. i sed, “they weren’t talkin’ ‘bout reptiles or plumber's helpers, were they?” zandra sed no.
At 1:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings quoting your nindoozhimis (niece) writing about your nisayenh (brother) and his broken miiziiwigamig (toilet) and all the things going wrong. Here in Otter County, the constables in the Ontario Provincial Police usually turn a blind eye to young children who need to go, and have to resort to the outdoors. Your nindoozhim (nephew) could have easily found relief in Otter County, but he would have to keep an eye out for makwa (bears).
When I speak to your sister about washrooms, she tells me again how her main problem is you are always in the shower when she wants to use it. With the bubble baths my sweet girl used to relieve her problems with your mishomis (grandfather), and her shower competition for time with you, I know your family is very clean, at least your bodies are. I remember how the teacherage in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) used to look when my sweet girl lived there, and no one would call it clean, even your sister. I tell your sister, when I get my transfer to Toronto, we will get an apartment together and I will clean it, and she can shower all she wants. Your sister says, “No, Paul. I will live in my ngashi (mother’s) house until I am married." I don’t really understand why she would want to do that, since is having troubles in her ngashi (mother's) house with getting washroom time.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
Perhaps Lovey "Slumlord" Saltzman needs to be reminded that she needs only one more conviction under the Province's tough apartment residency codes to risk a prison term, rather than the customary slap on the wrist normally handed out to greedy owners who fail to maintain their properties. Her late husband, Irving "Pepper" Saltzman, controlled gambling and prostitution on the entire west side, but did maintain his rental units very nicely, and we therefore left his operations alone. (The nickname "Lovey", by the way, can be traced back to Mrs. Saltzman's prior career as an employee who worked very very hard for her future husband, if you follow my meaning.)
Your sister-in-law should seriously consider moving herself, her children, and her ineffectual husband out of that dive before something truly tragic happens.
I do agree that between the recent, cruel attempt to poison your war-hero grandfather, your sister's upcoming nuptuals to a suspected sex deviant, and your brother's inability to cope with such simple devices as a ceiling fan or a flush toilet, the Pattersons have indeed suffered quite a bit lately.
Courage.
Sgt. Royalson
At 5:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, my rule is u hafta read ALL the posts, even the ones that go up after u posted. prove that u read all of yesterday's and 2day's posts, and i will answer u.
zeremy, paul, and sgt. royalson, i will w8 until after mike does what i asked him 2 do b4 i respond. i don't wanna help him cheat, eh?
apes
At 7:22 PM,
howard said…
April,
The second witness for the Defence was a huge surprise for me. My lawyer, Mr. Benis called Warren Blackwood, your sister’s old boyfriend, the helicopter pilot. This made me very nervous, but at least he is a defence witness. This how I remember the testimony:
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Mr. Blackwood. You have an association with Miss Elizabeth Patterson, do you not?
Warren Blackwood: When she was at Nippissing University, I was also there in training to be a helicopter pilot. We dated for about two months, and then I took a job as a helicopter pilot with a mining company in Edmonton.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Mr. Blackwood. Do you have any experience with Miss Elizabeth Patterson where she put you in a potentially volatile situation involving another man?
Warren Blackwood: There were two occasions. One where the other man did not appear, and one where the other man did appear.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Would you tell us what happened?
Warren Blackwood: After I left North Bay, Elizabeth and I kept in touch and would see her whenever I was near North Bay, which was pretty much never.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Why is that?
Warren Blackwood: Elizabeth treated me like I was just a friend. In the two months we dated, we never kissed, we never hugged. The most affection she showed me was to wear my sweater. Then out of nowhere, she tells me she is graduating and it is really important to her that I be there, preferably arriving by helicopter.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Did you do that?
Warren Blackwood: Yes. Making the trip from Edmonton was difficult to score with the helicopter, but I did it, and Elizabeth met me at the airport with her parents and her little sister. It was then I knew something was up.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Something was up?
Warren Blackwood: Yes. Elizabeth hugged me. She never did that before. Then she started acting in front of her parents like my visit to graduation was a big surprise. That was silly, because how else would I know exactly when and where her graduation was unless she told me. And how would she be able to spot a random helicopter in the sky and realize it was me to meet me at the airport? Then she started acting like we had been dating the whole time I was in Edmonton in front of her parents.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: So, when was the volatile situation?
Warren Blackwood: There wasn’t one, but there could have been. During her graduation ceremony, Elizabeth couldn’t keep her hands off me and we had our very first kiss, right in front of her relatives. I went with her to the post graduation celebration and I told her it was so out of character for her it felt like I was seeing her for the first time. But then later I found out most of Elizabeth’s strange behaviour to me was for the benefit of her ex-boyfriend Anthony Caine.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: How did you find this out?
Warren Blackwood: Elizabeth’s younger sister told me Anthony Caine was very aware of my relationship with Elizabeth. Pictures of her at graduation would certainly show us kissing, and it would make it back to him. Then it occurred to me, “What if Anthony Caine had been invited to her graduation but he didn’t show up?”
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Why did you think that?
Warren Blackwood: It was because of the second potentially volatile incident. After her graduation, I had fallen for Elizabeth and pledged I would find her no matter where she was. So, I wrote to her and the letters found her. Later on, I took a job working out of Vancouver Island for an environmental company, flying up the coast, checking on oil spills and photographing whale pods. Elizabeth got this idea in her head that because I was a helicopter pilot, I could just fly to Mtigwaki, where she was working in Northwest Ontario, whenever I wanted. She was completely obsessed with this idea. She wouldn’t come visit me in Vancouver, when she had 2 months off in the summer from teaching, but insisted I fly to visit her. Every letter from her ended with, “When are you going to fly your helicopter to Mtigwaki and see me?” Finally last December, after a year of trying, I arranged for a trip to Geraldton and then on to Toronto, where I could actually fly my helicopter into Mtigwaki. So, I offered to pick her up and take her home for the holidays. I knew something was up, when she said someone was driving her to White River and could I pick her up there. It made me wonder again, why? If I picked her up in Mtigwaki, I might meet some of her work friends, and why wouldn’t she want me to meet them? And why couldn’t she save the person taking her to White River the trouble, by letting me take her all the way?
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Did you figure out why?
Warren Blackwood: Yes. When I got to White River, a car pulled up with her in it and she got out and right in front of me started hugging this other guy, a native. I had gone through all the trouble to arrange this helicopter ride for her after she begged for a year, and then this. My blood was boiling. I wanted to lash out at her. But I realized the same thing she was doing to me; she was doing to the guy who drove her, because she would ride with me in the helicopter to Toronto. She had set up this whole thing to provoke us both.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: You didn’t get into a fight?
Warren Blackwood: No. I shook his hand. We both knew we had been set up. I asked her why she did it, and she said it was because “seeing is believing.”. She didn’t believe I could still care for her, even though we lived in different places, because she never saw me. And she didn’t believe I would believe she was seeing someone else unless she showed me.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Based on what you know from your personal experience with Elizabeth Patterson, if you heard two men were fighting over her, why do you think it would have happened?
Warren Blackwood: I would think they were just like me and they had been set up by Elizabeth, and they didn’t take it as well as I did.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Thank you. Your witness.
The Crown counsel started to get up, but Judge Patterlover waived him down.
Judge Patterlover: You had a chance with Elizabeth Patterson and you blew it and you’re trying to get revenge on her. Is that it?
Warren Blackwood: No.
Judge Patterlover: What proof do you have of your vile accusations?
Warren Blackwood: I have a picture from her graduation of us kissing. And I have made copies of pertinent points from Elizabeth’s monthly letters.
Judge Patterlover: The monthly letters. The sacred, secret writings of the Patterson family! Let me see those!
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Your honour, are you going to follow the rules for entering things in as evidence?
Judge Patterlover: What do you think?
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: I am guessing, no, Your honour.
Judge Patterlover: Hmm. We have:
Liz's Letter, June 2005
Warren has emailed a few times and phoned once. …. Every time I hear the sound of a helicopter I wonder if it's him.
Liz's Letter, August 2005
Maybe I'll try to give Warren a call this summer...if I'm lucky he'll come and park his chopper next to mine. I wonder what he'd think if he saw me tearing down the 401 on Gord's bike.
Liz's Letter, January 2006
So the end of 2005 brought an ending, and the start of 2006 will mark a beginning - I'm going to approach my relationship with Paul in a different way now that I'm not searching the skies for Warren.
They appear to be authentic. But it doesn’t discount the idea that you threw your relationship with Elizabeth away. Why didn’t you transfer to Mtigwaki with your helicopter job?
Warren Blackwood: No helicopter jobs in Mtigwaki. I wanted Elizabeth to transfer to Vancouver, but she said her work with the Ojibway people was too important. Then I told her on Vancouver Island, we had the Alberni, Klehkoot, Tsahaheh, and Ahahswinis Indian Reserves and she could come there and teach native children as much as she wanted. She doesn’t mention those details of my e-mails to her in her letters, so when she broke things off with me, I did not receive the outpouring of indignant outrage I felt was due to me, which others have recently received.
Judge Patterlover: Do you have print-outs of those e-mails as proof?
Warren Blackwood: No.
Judge Patterlover: Obviously you are dangerously obsessed with Elizabeth Patterson and you need some prison time. Bailiff!
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Your honour, if you are done with the witness, I believe I get one more opportunity to ask questions.
Judge Patterlover: Very well, Defence counsel. But make it snappy.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Did you date other women after Elizabeth Patterson’s graduation?
Warren Blackwood: Yes, I went on a few dates, but I always thought of her.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: And after meeting Elizabeth in December, when she confronted you with another man, did you date other women?
Warren Blackwood: Yes, and I fell in love. She lives here in Milborough. I came here for two reasons. One of them was to testify at this trial. The other was to propose to her. {public goes “Aww!”}
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: And did she accept?
Warren Blackwood: She did. {public goes “Aww!”} And unlike Elizabeth Patterson, I am not afraid to have a relationship with a native. {public starts clapping} Her name is Marjee Mahaha, and I can’t wait for us to get married and she will move to Vancouver Island with me.
Me: What? You proposed to Marjee Mahaha and she said yes?
Warren Blackwood: Sorry, Howard. But you know for yourself what a fine woman Marjee is.
Me: Well, all I can say is congratulations to the two of you, and if you get married before I get sent to prison, I will happy to sing at your wedding.
Warren Blackwood: When are you going to prison?
Me: I don’t know for sure. It might be tomorrow.
Warren Blackwood: Alright. Well. I don’t think we can put things together that quickly.
Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: I have no further questions.
Warren Blackwood: {to Judge Patterlover} Are you going to put me in jail now?
Judge Patterlover: Of course not. I love a happy ending to a romance. After all, that’s what this case is all about isn’t it? A happy ending to a romance. {public starts clapping and cheering wildly. They rush forward and carry Warren around the courtroom and, I understand it, over to the waiting arms of Marjee Mahaha.}
It was a very exciting day. I am very happy for Marjee. Warren seems like a very nice guy, and he has the added benefit of not going to prison. That’s what happened. I will tell you about the rest of the other witnesses later.
Howard Bunt
At 7:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur not gonna respond 2 my post till aftah ur bro duz wut u wunt him 2 do? how's not responding 2 me gonna help him cheat? i don't unnerstand this whole thing neway. there's an engagement party 4 marjee mahaha 2nite. i wuz gonna ask u2 go (since ur prolly not gonna get a personal invite cuz of issues w/ur sis), but if ur not respondin' 2 me i dunno how i wud find out ur answer.
At 7:29 PM,
howard said…
April,
I read what Jeremy, I mean Zeremy wrote. I don't know if you will respond to this, but I think it won't be any problem with you coming to Marjee Mahaha's engagement party. Just don't talk about your sister in front of Becky. She has not been feeling well. I think she either has revenge fever, or some kind of stomach flu. The symptoms are very similar.
Howard Bunt
At 9:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'm on 4 the party. sorry, zeremy, the whole idea was that if i answered u guyz, mike cd just read my post an' use it 2 guess what u all wrote insteada actually reading them 4 themselves. i m totally goin' 2 the party. oh an' sorry abt writing abt toilet stuff. yeah, i guess i am that bored this week.
what crayzee testimony, howard. i m so happy 4 u, marjee!
apes
At 9:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, I'm glad you'll be coming to my party. This has been such a crazy, whirlwind romance! I feel a bit guilty having such a wonderful, romantic thing happen when Howard's probably about to go to jail. But Howard's been assuring me that I should put that aside, kick back, and celebrate! See you soon!
Oh, you're coming through the door now! I see you've got Zeremy and Gerald with you. This should be interesting.
Marjee
At 11:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes, i want every1 2 know that even tho i m feeling kinda queezy frum sumthing howie calls "revenge fever" (total nonsense, dr. ted sez it's prolly sumthing called "neptunian flu"), i m at marjee's party an' i m celebr8ting as much as i can w/o spewing all ovah the pretty decorations howie made.
i m super psyched 4 marjee! i wuz actually cheering rilly loud 4 her when her ngagement got announced in court, but judge patterfreak sed, "silence in the gallery! reporter! strike the remarks of that swamp creature frum the record!" i guess the judge kinda didn't recognize me, cuz i wuz under all those black veils, an' i wuz holding that air sickness bag, which is a v. unglamorous look 4 a pop star. this trial is bad 4 my image.
i hafta go lay down sum now, but i just wanna say that u r rilly gonna c a celebration when howie gets let off an' ur sis gets convicted...fafa an' me r gonna throw a awesum party...
becks
At 12:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
aPrl,
itts sono t fa yre. im beetifol, weth begg lips an' myy hairy in a bunn, so wyy is thett awfel majree girll getttingg merried too my backUp babckup man? im a patttterrsen! an' more emportenitely a riccherds! Wy god Wy? WHyy iss that sluttt engaagid an' yet aAntheny stell duzn't propsze. Wat iss hewayting four/ mayb if i gett two th ebotim of thiss botel with the pritty goldd lable miy frend johnnie willll telllll meeee....
lez
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