Dee defines "nightmare" an' stuff
I just got this e-mail from Dee:
Well, Marjee's engagement party last nite was a blast! Everyone said it was super romantic that Warren Blackwood (the helicopter pilot Liz dumped in favour of Paul last year) announced their engagement during his trial testimony. Becky partied hearty even tho she was still v. sick w/her stomach bug.
When I got home, Liz was passed out on the rec room floor, with dried vomit in her hair. Then I saw her l8est post. I guess she was upset Marjee got engaged to one of her "backup" men, when she still hasn't been engaged yet, and so got s00per drunk.
Apes
'April', Meredith told me that she has been 'writing' e-mail to you this week. I am so 'proud' of her! Well, she wanted to tell you the next bit of our 'plumbing' adventure, but she said, "too many words, Mama!" I said I was sure she could do it if she tried, but she said, "Merrie do, Mama help!" See what she 'did' there? She always gets me when she does that!Well, guyz, I guess this meanz that we'll have Kelpfroth news for 2morrow's entry. Brace yrselves, ppl. This is never pretty!
So, the plumber came 'over'. We called Parton's Plumbing after I realized there was no 'way' in Hades Mike would be able to figure 'out' how to use a 'snake' (plumber's helper). The plumber sort of resembled your sister's 'friend' Anthony, but with dark hair, a receding hairline, a more 'bulbous' nose, and no freckles. He had to remove the toilet and retrieve those stinky 'socks' from the pipes. I was waiting with a plastic bag when he said, "There's yer socks outta the system, folks, but somethin' else is cloggin' her up pretty good. We'll need to go down into the next level somehow, an' open 'er up! These old houses are a nightmare when it comes to pipes an' wiring. What are your downstairs neighbours like?" Just then, like right on cue, the Kelps went "BAM BAM BAM!!" banging on the ceiling. And though I was mostly concerned that my hair had seemingly shrunk a few cm between the time the plumber said "open 'er up" and the ceiling banging, I said, "...A bad dream!" Which I gues was sort of 'funny' because a 'nightmare' is a bad dream. But I wasn't trying to make a 'joke,' I just wanted to help Meredith build her 'vocabulary.' Oh, Merrie wants to write something now. I'm out, 'April' --Dee.
Mommy silly. Merrie know nightmare. Merrie have nightmare all the time. About scary Attic Monster. Now Merrie scared. Bye Auntie April.
Well, Marjee's engagement party last nite was a blast! Everyone said it was super romantic that Warren Blackwood (the helicopter pilot Liz dumped in favour of Paul last year) announced their engagement during his trial testimony. Becky partied hearty even tho she was still v. sick w/her stomach bug.
When I got home, Liz was passed out on the rec room floor, with dried vomit in her hair. Then I saw her l8est post. I guess she was upset Marjee got engaged to one of her "backup" men, when she still hasn't been engaged yet, and so got s00per drunk.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:51 AM
11 Comments:
At 9:02 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. So many in my family writing to you. I am so proud of my daughter and my wife. My wife hasn’t written you in so long, you would think she was busy writing a doctoral dissertation in pharmacy. It certainly seems to make my writing to you a little superfluous. Suffice to say, we managed to solve my son’s little problem we talked about yesterday and there are a few plants in the Kelpfroth’s part of the garden which are little better ‘watered’ than they were before, and we got the kids into their pyjamas before the plumber arrived. In order to fix the toilet problem, the plumber removed the entire toilet, including the water supply connection. I must admit I wouldn’t have thought of doing that, but the plumber was a man who sounded like he was from the deep South of the United States, and I know they think about things differently there. In other words, I am expecting a huge bill.
As you can tell from what my family wrote, we are about to have another encounter with the Kelpfroths and frankly, I dread finding out what they put in their toilets. But I must admit the BAM BAM BAM!! from them banging on the ceiling was especially entertaining this time. The letters actually bounced up and down, and we watched it for quite some time. Well, at least I wanted to, but I seem to have misplaced my eyes at just that moment. I hate with that happens. I just have to add it to my list of things that went wrong. I was told I even missed seeing the plumber’s startled face when my wife Deanna made her pun on the word nightmare by comparing the Kelpfroths to a bad dream. It wasn’t particularly funny, but Deanna wasn’t brought up a Patterson after all, and she is still learning the fine art of punning. She will get better in time.
I suppose you will get more information about this incident tomorrow from a variety of sources, and I will enjoy reading them all, so long as they are from my family members. If the Kelpfroths write you, I will not be reading that at all, and no threat of not reading my posts to you will persuade me.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
just a quick note fr the library during my lunch period! my december letter. i did NOT write that thing abt wanting 2 do awful things 2 howard. my real sentence was that i'd want 2 do awful thingz 2 him if he'd really dun what he was accused of. instead of being tricked in2 fake-attacking liz so that anthony, who howard had been told was liz's grandfather, cd do a "rescue" and seem brave. so, mom edited me again.
i haven't had a chance 2 read the other letterz yet, so i'll go do that while i have sum lunch time left.
apes
At 5:36 PM,
howard said…
April,
Don’t worry about what you did or did not write in the December monthly letter. It seems pretty obvious from what was written in the monthly letters your sister has suffered quite a bit of trauma from when I attacked her, which is, for reasons I am not entirely certain, just started to take effect over a year after the event.
As I read it your sister has been asked to prepare a dish for Christmas, which considering her culinary talents is a risky thing, unless you like Kraft dinner. I also see your sister did not sleep very well during her part of the trial, but as I recollect she didn’t sleep very well when she was in Mississauga, so maybe your sister just doesn’t sleep well. A good massage would have helped with that, but I doubt she would accept such a thing from me.
I know your mother blamed your sister having problems in her classroom for her trial absence, but I cannot take credit for that one. Judge Patterlover’s desire to take the place of the Crown attorney for the examination-in-chief of the witnesses seems to be the primary player for that, and is probably also the reason why your sister had to be there for several weeks for what seemed only like a few days of testimony to me. If the Crown attorney had been in charge, he probably would have only asked your sister to be there when she was needed.
Now, your sister having a fight with you or yelling at her cat, I am pretty sure those are characteristics your sister has had for awhile. I am not taking the blame for that.
But, then of course, your sister is making Christmas plans to visit Mtigwaki. That is a clear sign of a mental difficulty for anyone to want to visit that hellhole. If I were she, I would spend Christmas with my boyfriend at his place in Otter County and not make him travel to stay with you in the house of your old boss. That’s just asking for trouble. Nothing else I read in the monthly letters gave me a clearer indication of problems with your sister’s thinking than her Christmas travel plans.
I was a little concerned about the business of your sister being easily spooked by someone walking up behind her. When I approached her on the day of the attack, I am pretty sure she knew I was there in advance, because we had a little conversation until I could see Anthony approaching the business through the plate glass window. In the trial, my lawyer, Mr. Benis has tried to point out several times that with that plate glass in the front, Anthony Caine would have been clearly visible when I started my attack, but it doesn’t really matter. I am still looking at prison time, I think. So, I don’t know where your sister’s fear of being approached quietly comes from, unless it comes from her cat.
Then there was the whole business with the quiet voice that talks to you, your sister has been hearing. When you start to hear voices, then usually the warning is of internal danger, not external danger. Maybe her quiet voice is telling her to visit Mtigwaki. If it is, then she shouldn’t listen to it. I would rather go to prison, than go back to Mtigwaki.
And lastly, there was the thing about your sister and your mother being hooked on julienne salads, they are forcing you to make for them. I don’t know what to make of that. To me, a julienne salad is a summer salad. The whole thing is confusing to me.
I’ll tell you what happened at the trial later on. I just thought I would let you know I read the letters, and if you feel the need to stretch one of my shirts to get revenge for what I did to your sister, then you go right ahead.
Howard Bunt
At 6:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, u have such nice shirts, i'd h8 2 mess 1 up!
i hafta shut my pooter down 4 a while cuz we r having a thunderstorm. in december!
apes
At 6:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings quoting your nindoozhimis (niece) and your nindaangwe (sister-in-law) writing about their broken miiziiwigamig (toilet). If the plumber removed the toilet by pulling it off the flange and checking the trap for small items, like your nisayenh (brother’s) socks, and that did not solve the problem, then that means he needs to check the drain underneath. As a member of the Ontario Provincial Police, I have had to do that many times to make sure we have gotten all the items criminals have tried to flush. Most times, with a recent flushing, things are caught in the trap made into the toilet, since that is used to seal against sewer gas and to keep vermin out. I don’t know what the plumber will find with your neighbours. It could be something the neighbours flushed, or something which has been in the toilet for a long time and managed to find its way past the trap. I remember a case where a small, anatomically correct doll of an ugly man was found during a police investigation, when we cleaned out a toilet for evidenciary material. It was hard to believe anyone would think such a thing was worthwhile to own. Sometimes it is hard to understand the criminal mind.
I did read your family’s monthly letters. It was no surprise to me my sweet girl has been affected by the trial, since we talk on the phone every day. I did not understand why she had to take several weeks off to testify in a trial, but I have grown accustomed to the idea that the courts are not run the same in the South as they are in the Northwest. That much time to wait would have an affect on me, and I am used to being in court. I am glad your sister’s testimony is finally over, and I am also happy she said all the times we talked about law on the phone helped her. I want to be with your sister, but there was no way I could take several weeks off work to sit with her while she was waiting to testify. I am glad your noos (father) and your ngashi (mother) were able to be there for her.
If I read the letters correctly, your noos (father) thinks I have mistreated your sister by not being there for her and this makes me unreliable. I think your noos (father) must still be mad at the policeman who gave him the speeding ticket when he was riding around his new car with the underage boys last summer. He seems to be mad at the legal system, too. I hope someday, your noos (father) will be my ninzinis (father-in-law). When I get my transfer, he will see I will not mistreat your sister and he will see I am very reliable. Noos (fathers) are overprotective of their nindaan (daughters). That is a good thing. But a noos (father) needs to be sensible too. Just because you don’t like the legal system means you have to dislike someone who works in the legal system. Once the trial is over, I think your noos (father) will calm down and he will realize I am good for your sister.
I see the reason your sister no longer uses Skype to talk with me is that you have been using it to play music with your ninzhishenh (uncle). I am pretty happy to hear you are the reason. Skype is inexpensive to use, but having hours-long conversations with your sister listening very hard to all the sounds in my apartment, made me a little nervous. Talking on the phone and e-mail is much better. You should keep playing music with your ninzhishenh (uncle).
I see my sweet girl has also written about her plans for us to spend Christmas in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and stay in the Gary and Vivian Crane’s house. My relatives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) have more space than Gary and Vivian, but I think my sweet girl wants to be as close to where she used to live (now occupied by my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper) as she can. Your sister has had such troubles in the South with the trial, and keeping discipline in her class at school, I think she may be thinking about coming back to the Northwest. I haven’t gotten my transfer yet, so if she did decide to do that, I could cancel my transfer. I wonder if I should see if there is an opening in the Otter County schools.
I mentioned this to Chipper, and she said, “Suds (her nickname for me), I would be surprised if your girlfriend’s students are not eyeing her warily, expecting her to take off again. She seems to have a difficult time with commitment.” Chipper is very smart. In fact, my sweet girl’s monthly letter said something just like that. I am looking forward to Christmas. I like Gary and Vivian Crane mostly, but the idea of spending Christmas with my 2 favourite women (aside from my own ngashi (mother) and nokomis (grandmother), of course) sounds like a lot of fun. I look forward to it.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, there’s thing i gotta tell u ‘bout the agin’ thing. i tried 2 tell u last nite @the party, but wenever i started ur bf wud say, “jeremy. wut’s a grecian urn? ‘bout $8 an hour.” i kinda figgered i wud hafta w8 till ur bf wuzn’t around.
this is wut i wuz tryin’ 2 say. i wuz talkin’ 2 zandra larson in the library 4 tutorin’ cuz zenobia barnaby (my usual tutor) wuz sick this week. zandra wuz xxplainin’ this john keats poem ‘bout a grecian urn 2 me & i realized the thing ‘bout not getting older next fall wuz kinda like the poem. the urn has pictures on it & az long az the urn exists the pictures don’t get old, even tho the real peeps who were copied 2b put on the urn did grow old. so, if there’s sum picture of u, like on ur mom’s website of u wen ur yung, then u can still grow old evn tho the picture on the website duzn’t grow old. so if the witch of the north says we aren’t gonna grow old aftah next fall, then mebbe it will just b a picture of us, or maybe part of us thass on a grecian urn which duzn’t get old & we will still get old nstead, so the witch might b confuzed by the picture & not make us stay the same age. & i am gettin’ confuzed again. it wuz a lot easier 2 understand wen zandra wuz xxplainin’ it 2 me in the library.
neway, i am sad ur still talkin’ ‘bout ur bro’s toilet in ur blog. but i am happy u didn’t say nething bad ‘bout me in ur monthly letter cuz of the gym jam. yesterday wuz 1 month aftah the jam on halloween, so i am not grounded ne more. zapata henderson asked me 2 play anothah party of hers (w/like no notice), but i need the work, so thas wut i am doin’ 2nite. i have collected up all my gothy xmas musick. u know, till i tried 2 put togethah this collection, i didn’t realize there were so many songs ‘bout suicide & xmas & santa claus killing peeps. i wondah if grandma got runned ovah by a reindeer is dark enuff 4 goth?
At 7:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You said, “i hafta shut my pooter.” Pooter. Heh-heh.
Beavis
At 7:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Pooter. Huh huh huh, oh yeah.
Butt-head
At 7:51 PM,
April Patterson said…
ee, i guess i set myself up 4 that 1, beavis an' butt-head. i was in a rush cuz liz kept yellin' "hurry up an' shut yr computer down! thunderstorm!"
jeremy, i think i understand what u mean. and those "urn" pix wd prolly have, like, storiez 2 go w/them. and i mite feel like i hafta write abt them on my blog. but meanwhile, we'd still b getting older, and we cd also post abt stuff we're doing and what's going on in our lives as we do get older. sumthing like that, eh?
paul, i really don't understand what my dad's prob is this month. i know u don't mistreat liz. liz knows u don't mistreat her. mayB she'll xxplain that 2 dad. or try. dad is pretty stubborn when he gets an idea stuck in his head.
apes
At 7:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, i almost 4got. guess what happed? ger was here 4 dinner, and he opened his wallet 2 show me his new school id (his brother flushed his old one down the toilet so he had 2 get a new one made). neway, he's also got pix of his 'rents in his wallet, and when dad saw one of ger's mom, dad was all, "whoo-hoo, who's the hott, sexy, skinny calendar girl?!?" ger totally turned red an' sed, "that's mater, mr. patterson." dad doesn't know ne latin xxcept what he had 2 learn 2 b a dentist, so he looked confused, and i had 2 say, "ger's mom." and then, suddenly, a coffee mug missed dad's hed by abt a millimetre. cuz mom totally saw/heard the whole thing an' she was totally pissed!
apes
At 12:39 AM,
Anonymous said…
April and friends,
I know you have been waiting for my letter, it is the most important one of the whole day, since the most important thing that has happened lately is the trial and it is all about me, oh and I guess two other girls who some worser things happened to, but mostly about me, anyway, you don't know those girls, so my post is definitely going to be the highlight of your day.
First everyone is confused why I had to take "several weeks" off for the trial, well first I got stressed out about the idea of testifying so I took some time off before, then we got put on notice that the trial was going to start so I took some time off then to get mentally prepared, then we got told there was a delay and that made me nervous, so I took time off to deal with that, and then we got told the trial was really starting for real, so to be on the safe side, I just took off from work the whole trial so I wouldn't have to be trying to think about two things at once while I was teaching, you know, the trial and Anthony, it's hard to teach math and stuff when you're thinking about those things.
I read April's letter and I'm sort of confused, she is very nice to give me credit for all those things she is "supposed" to do to keep safe but I didn't say them, they came out of some pamphlets my counselor Sylvia gave me, and I gave them to April because I didn't want them cluttering up my room, anyway, I'm sure you could all tell that doesn't sound at all like the way I talk, I still firmly believe in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and looking very, very, very hard for the good in everyone, that is what Anthony thinks is my best quality, so I'm not going to change, also I think that advice sounds in general very unfriendly, it reminds me of how Candace would always treat boys and look at her, she's 25 and has a perfectly good man who wants to marry her and she won't marry him, there is clearly something mentally wrong there, also, Mom put all that stuff in her letter about Candace helping me but I haven't heard from Candace in ages, but maybe Mom called her for advice or something, anyway, I am trying to avoid Candace because this book I read called "How to Catch A Husband in 10 Easy Steps" says you should avoid all your single female friends, especially if they are downers or anti-marriage like Candace, in college that girl was always like boy repellent.
I did say that Mom and Dad looked angry at the trial but Dad's letter pretty much explains that, the delays kept them there and they don't have any trains at the courthouse, he kept going on and on about "what are they spending my tax money on anyway?" and then he went off on how Paul is terrible for not being there, but that's because he got it in his head that Mom wouldn't of made him go to the trial if Paul had come down "like a good boyfriend."
I have to admit I am wondering why Paul didnt' come down for the trial too which is disappointing but at least he is still a man in my life, which is not as good as a fiance but that will have to be enough for now, I can't believe I am a Patterson and a Richards and the prettiest of all my friends and yet I am the one who has had the least luck catching a permanent guy, it's a tragedy and totally unfair.
Paul, please get that idea about me moving back up north out of your head, if you love me you have to understand that it would be crazy and impossible for me to try to live anywhere but Milborough, I already tried it one time and learned my tragic lesson by getting homesick, I'm not going to do it again, it will be hard enough for me if I actually get my own apartment in the new year, I don't really want to but Shiimsa and Mom can't get along and they're both really insisting, they keep leaving the classified ads on my bed with apartments circled in red ink or blood, depending who left it, it's so much pressure, sometimes I have to sleep a lot to keep from getting depressed over it.
I can't wait for Christmas in Mtigwaki, it is set up just perfect, since Paul and I are staying at Gary and Viv's house everyone will know that we are not "doing it" because a Patterson does not "do it" in her old boss's guest bed, it's so much better then if I went to Paul's family in White River, people would think we were "doing it" and they tried to make me share a room with Paul the last time I was there, also, I've been down south now so I'm not sure I could stand their native humor anymore, it will be hard enough to deal with it among the people in Mtigwaki, also, if I went to Paul's family in White River, it would look like I wanted our relationship to stay serious or get seriouser, but the fact is that Paul is not being the kind of boyfriend I want him to be, he is not acting in a way I would call "on the road to marriage," he needs to straighten up his act and get a transfer and stop talking about sinful things like living together before marriage, also, this way I can get that trip I promised Jesse out of the way and then I can be done with going up north so I am ready for my new married life in the south, it's all lessons I got from the fantastic book I'm reading about catching a husband, I know that by treating Paul this way, I will either make a husband out of him, or he will be shown not to be husband material, the book actually says you can do this on more than one man at once, I have some phone calls to do.
Liz
P.S.--Remember when I told you about that magic trip I took to see Paul one weekend, where we went hiking and stuff, and were magically teleported back, I think that never happened, or it was just Labor Day or something and I forgot to tell you about it until later, because I haven't seen Paul in quite some time, just in case you were wondering.
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