What's for dinner? MEATLOAF!
Dammit, Janet! I guess I think meatloaf is the kinda food that smells so good that its scent warrants a response of "'sniff' ...Whoa! What smells so good?!" Cuz that's what I sed rite after "Hi, Mom!" as Mom was saying, "Welcome home, honey!" I blew by her and went in the kitchen, where I saw that there were butter tarts cooling on the counter. I sed, "And butter tarts!! U bought butter tarts!!" Then, I bit in2 one and noticed there were no raisins. Mom always gets the kind w/raisins, even tho she knows I don't like them. So I was all, "How come U got the kind w/no raisins?" And Mom sed, "I know U don't like raisins." I was totally shocked Mom wd actually take my tastes in2 acct that I pressed on, insteada just being like, "thanx." I went, "But, U LUV them! How can U buy butter tarts w/no raisins?" Mom picked one up, took a bite, and sed, "Call it a snacrifice." Meatloaf. Butter tarts. I guess I'm not a vegan NEmore. At least this week.
Apes
Apes
Labels: Mom, Patterson food obsession, stupid puns
posted by April Patterson @ 6:22 AM
12 Comments:
At 9:39 AM,
Anonymous said…
April, I am so glad that you are going to be able to sit with our girls these weekend! Howard and I haven't had a chance to get out for a date night all month, with you being out at the farm.
As you know, one of the first things that Moira did after purchasing Lilliput's from your mother (after removing the train layout from the display window and those annoying ceiling hangings) was to re-establish the coffee corner. As I understand it, this was something that Lily Petrucci had established not long before selling the store to your mother seven years ago. And though it was a very popular feature, your mother shut it down.
Anyway, in spite of all that, your mother began a daily ritual last month, where she comes by every morning, buys a latte (skim, of course) to go with her jumbo cinnamon-raisin muffins, and sits down to chat with other patrons who happen to be there. Oddly, these patrons are all eager to talk with your mom about what's been going on with your family, especially your sister Liz and her new-old beau Anthony.
Well, your mother complained to Moira just the other day, because apparently a good number of these patrons have been telling your mother that they hate Anthony, that he had an "emotional affair" with Liz long before Thérèse ever left him, and that Liz would have been better off with Paul, Warren, or on her own.
Your mother asked Moira why she can't screen these people at the door and only let through the people who had something nice to say. Moira explained that doing so would cut severely into our bottom line, and besides, she believes in allowing a variety of different views.
Your mother left in a huff.
Anyway, see you tomorrow night? Around six?
Bea
At 9:41 AM,
April Patterson said…
beatrice, that xxplains what my mom was muttering abt this morning. "ppl who have nothing nice 2 say shd shut their butter-tart holes." what a grump!
yep, c u and howard 2morrow evening, 6 pm.
apes
At 9:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. There are times when a true Patterson is called upon to support a particularly bad pun. For example "snacrifice." To make this more obvious, mom would have needed to call it "snack-rifice". However, that would have meant using the letter "k" and you know how mom feels about that letter, ever since she employed that villainess, Kortney Krelbutz. Personally, I am not that fond of the letter ever since the Kelpfroths tried to burn my family and me to death in our apartment; but my dislike of the letter has not extended to the point mom's has, where she avoids it in punning.
I see that you realized the dilemma this left mom in. "Snacrifice" without the "k" is obscure. Are you talking about snakes or snacks or Sport Nutrition for the Athletes of Canada (SNAC)? All of those could be the meaning of the pun, given the appropriate interpretation. If you had said, "You sneaky snake, you love raisins." Or if you had said, "Raisins are one of the foods recommended as Sport Nutrition for the Athletes of Canada (SNAC)." Instead you asked mom not once, but two times why she bought butter tarts with no raisins, since she prefers raisins. The pun wouldn't have worked without your help, formerly little sis. It's moments like these, where I realize just how much you've grown into being a Patterson. It brings a tear to my eye, and not just because mom never got me butter tarts when I came back from the farm.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I see you have once again decided to write about your family's nausea-inducing food habits. I could barely read your Blog entry today without passing out from the thought of it. In my house, Mater would never think of serving a supper which consisted soley of meatloaf and buttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
At 9:53 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, y is it when u compliment me i wanna stick a fork in an electrical socket?
honoria, yeah, i know. yr mom offers u celery and wood bark as snax. yum.
apes
At 1:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. But it’s imported and specially-treated wood bark, so it won’t leave splinters. It is quite yummy in case you want to try some. Little Françoise actually prefers it to many of the meals Mr. Caine has made for her.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 1:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis.
Why is it when I compliment you, you want to stick a fork in an electrical socket?
The obvious answer is: My compliments are so electrifying; they make you hungry for more.
Other possibilities would be:
You like my compliments, but since I am over 30 years old, you want an opinion that is more current.
You want to try out the circuit-lery.
You want to physically show watt a great compliment it was.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
honoria, i think i'll pass on the bark.
mike, it was a rhetorical question.
apes
At 4:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
As much as I hate to say it about our mother, it is probably better you encourage her to sacrifice herself like this, she is starting to develop a "front butt" that is almost as big as her real one, not that Mom isn't just as wonderful as she ever was, but I want her to be alive for a very very very long time, because I have been back with Anthony for almost a month or so and we still aren't married yet, at this rate my real babies won't come until Mom is like 90 or something, and she won't make 90 unless she stops eating butter tarts all day long, so do me a favor and eat up all those butter tarts, my kids won't need an Auntie April as much as they will need the Grandma who put the Grand in Grandma, thanks in advance, and sorry about all the plugged-up arteries, you are really taking one for the Patterson team.
Liz
At 4:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, liz, u'll hafta help out. want me 2 bring sum butter tarts 2 yr apt?
apes
At 6:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, you should have seen your mother this morning. She made a bee-line for the coffee corner, hollering, "I need a butter-tart fix! A butter tart with raisins! I need to get rid of the taste of those plain, non-raisin butter tarts from the other night!" She then had a half dozen butter tarts with raisins. She sure can eat!
Moira Kinney
At 10:42 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey Apes,
I dunno y u dont like buttertarts w/ raisins, they are the best, buttertarts w/ walnuts r pretty cube 2. Even plain 1s sound good rite abt now, there rnt NE buttertarts in Barbados, thats 1 of the things I miss abt Mboro.
Im rilly creeped out abt Arne. Hes working on his illusion & says hes nevah going back 2 Mboro & then he laffs this demented laff like hes mental.
Skool starts on Tuesday. It will rilly be weird sitting @ a 'puter instead of b-ing @ R.P. Boire. Ill hafta give my 'puter a name like yr friend Shannon. WTF does she call her 'puter? Jason? Justin? No d00d name 4 my 'puter.
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