April's Real Blog

Friday, January 27, 2006

Mom's Lie

Mom had this squitchy look on her face this morning, & it was making Dad's breakfast taste bad, so he sed, "Elly. Spill." She sed, "John I'm thinking abt what happened on Monday morning." He sed, "U're still thinking abt Monday on Friday?" & Mom sed, "Yeah, what's unusual abt that?" & Dad & I both sed it's pretty usual around here.

So, Monday, besides having a meltdown abt coffee, Mom was l8 getting in2 the store. She told Moira & Bea, "I apologize 4 being l8 this morning. I had so much 2 do, I lost track of time--& the traffic was terrible!" Beatrice sed, "That's OK, Elly. We're fine on our own." Then, Mom thot, "I just lied 2 Moira & Beatrice! The reason I was l8 is b-cuz I slept in on purpose." Just then, Moira sidled up, Shannon style, & asked, "R U OK, Elly?" And Beatrice added, "U've been working so hard l8ly--....We're a bit worried abt U." And Moira asked, "R U getting enuf sleep?"

Mom told Dad, "Oh, I feel soooo guilty, John! Worse than the guilt I wd've felt not coming in @ all. I lied 2 my cherished employeez, & now they're worried abt me & thinking I'm mayB not getting enuf sleep."

I had a hard time not laffing, cuz Moira & Bea broke this all down 4 me differently when we were stocking shelves & gossing abt James Frey's l8est Oprah appearance. U C, that stuff they sed is code. "That's OK, Elly. We're fine on our own." = "Thingz run much more smoothly when U're not here getting in our way. Y don't U sell the store already?" "R U OK, Elly?" = "Weren't U planning on retiring soon?" "R U getting enuf sleep?" = "U look tired. Tired ppl retire."

So they're not all that worried abt Ma. But I'm sure Mom will have more 2 say abt all this 2morrow. I hope that'll B the end of it.

Meanwhile, Alex is a bit freaked abt a weird memo Hi gave her. We'll get in2 deets l8r, after we talk/think abt it sum more.

Howard's just been hired as Becky's live-in maid. No, w8, scratch that. Mrs. Belfrieda Batsize has just been hired. I don't know Y I got thoze 2 mixed up. ;)

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 8:46 AM  

24 Comments:

  • At 12:23 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Well, I broke it to Sugar Van Rensselaer that I had accepted a job as a live-in maid starting Monday. She was not happy. I said, “Sugar, I have been doing shamp-Ohs non-stop Monday to Saturday since I started working for you. This live-in maid job gives me free room and board and more time off. She said, “Couldn’t you work here part-time?” I said I would ask my new employers what they thought. Then Sugar said, “This is about you and Marjee isn’t it? You’ve had a fight, and now you are leaving me because of her.” I said, “It doesn’t have anything to do with me and Marjee. It’s a good job opportunity.” Sugar said, “Don’t lie to me. I see the way you two look at each other. You are lying to me.” I was about to respond when your mother dashed in the door.

    “Lying!!! Is someone lying in here?” she shrieked. Sugar said, “Yes. Howard is lying about his fight with Marjee.” I said, “I am not.” Before I could go much further, your mother was in my face and said, “You should feel guilty for lying to your cherished employer. Imagine if she lied to you about why she came in late to work. You would worry about her and suggest she needed to be put to sleep. It would be perhaps the most horrible possible thing that ever happened.” Sugar said, “Come in late to work?! I never do that.” Elly shrieked, “Liar!! Confess your guilt or at least think that you’re guilty in a thought bubble. Everyone is late sometime.” Sugar said, “Not me. I open and close the salon. If you own a business, you have to work it every day, like it was your pride and joy.” Your mother shot her a look, “Another lie. Don’t you take weeks off at a time to drive your daughter to her work in Mtigwaki? Or take days off to visit your father or to jog with your neighbour or to go car-shopping?” Sugar said, “I can’t do that. This business is my livelihood and not a hobby.” Then your mother said, “I can see that I am the only one here with a clear conscience! Goodbye” and she left in a huff.

    I thought you might like to know what happened, in case your mom mentions it.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 the scoop, howard. my mother obvs has a guilty conscience & is trying 2 take it out on other peeps.

    i can't help feeling sorry 4 sugar & marjee, tho, cuz w/out u their biz is def. going 2 drop. . . .

    apes

     

  • At 12:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i had a weird, just plain weird talk w/bobby sparkindale. he came up 2 me n the hall @skool cryin’ & sed, “how did u handle it wen alexandra broke up with u?” i sed, “yru talkin’ 2 me. u h8 me, remembah?” bobby continued, “alexandra got mr. perspastick 2 switch her from covering the rising career of rebeccah mcguire 4 the yrbook, so she cud cover the deb8 team 4 the special needz kidz. i didn’t even think we had that n the yrbook. wut did i do 2 alexandra 2 cause her 2 want 2 do that nstead of work w/me? wut? wut?” i sed, “i dunno. alexandra duzn’t talk 2 me nemore, xxcept 2 yell @me.” bobby sed, “i dunno wut 2 do. i feel awful. i talked 2 gerald forsythe, since he had recently b-come un-pre-engaged 2 april patterson, like u did 2 alexandra. gerald started 2 say sumthing ‘bout tryin’2 suffocate urself w/ sk8er's tape, but then he pulled out sumthin’ outa hiz pocket he called, ‘20 gr8 thingz 2 luv ‘bout gerald.’ it wuz weird stuff, like ‘gerald hazn’t been molested by hiz mother’s bf’ or ‘gerald’s aunt wuzn’t attacked & robbed outside her store.’ i got confuzed, so i came 2cu. u hafta have bettah advice than gerald.”

    i said, “bobby. my dad alwayz sed, ‘women will drive u crazy, but sumtymez it’s nice 2b nsane.’ bobby sed, “no. i need advice, not sum dr. phil kinda bs.” i said, “u cud alwayz ask lorraine shoobie 2 cover rebeccah mcguire w/u. she’z on yrbook & she’z not w/ne1.” bobby sed, “thass an idea. thanx.” like i sed, april, it wuz weird.

     

  • At 1:38 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Ur mom can't work @ the bookstore much Apes, since I see her so often @ Horny Tim's or the 'Bucks, wiping out the supply of Tim-Balls or coffee cakes. She was eating a slice of crumb-cake when waiting 4 a venti latte 2 days ago, & she got crumbs all over her sweater & skirt. Mayb Lands' End sells bibs or trays 4 the over-50 set...lol.

    I know the school wants 2 keep it hush-hush, but Drew Fontaine has a bowel problem, I swear! He had 2 small boxes of extra-fiber Total on his tray @ lunch. I thot I'd share that so Ger knows his eavesdropping on Wed. wasn't n vain.

    Vicks

     

  • At 2:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    vicks, it's true, my mom barely showz her face @ the bookstore, let alone working much, but she seemz 2 believe that if she pretendz she works super-hard every1 will believe it. what a joke, eh?

    jeremy, now i know y lorraine shoobie was, like, runnin' down the hall yellin' "get that bobby sparkindale freak away fr. me!"

    apes

     

  • At 3:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i got visited by lorraine shoobie. she came up 2 me & sed, “u! u told bobby sparkindale 2 ask me 2 work w/him on rebeccah mcguire.” i sed, “iz there a problem?” lorraine sed, “y did u do that? bobby sparkindale iz a freak. he only gets 2 work w/grade 9 kidz cuz they don’t know ne bettah.” i sed, “sorry. i didn’t know that. bobby asked me 4 advice on alexandra love leavin’ on the rebeccah mcguire stuff and i wuz tryin’ 2 remembah who i thot wuz the best person. april patterson haz been showing old yrbooks 2 me & i remembered that n last year’z yrbook, the layout wuz rilly gud. u did the layout last year, rite?” lorraine sed, “yes. u rilly liked it?” i sed, “i did.” lorraine sed, “cuz cindilu sera tonin didn’t like it @all. she complained 2 mr. perspastick ‘bout it so much that mr. perspastick made her editor-n-chief this year, just 2 shut her up. that bitch.” i sed, “i know just wut u mean. cindilu sera tonin kept me frum going 2 a yrbook party once, cuz she thot i looked 2 old 4 high school & i wuz there 2 pick up underage girlz.” lorraine sed, “2 old? ur grade 12 aren’t u?” i sed “grade 9.” lorraine sed, “u don’t luk grade 9. thass 4 sure. u luk a lot more mature. cindilu sera tonin’z not smart enuff 2 figger stuff out like that. u gotta gf?” i sed, “technically no. i gotta friend w/benefits thass kinda like a gf, but w/o the commitment.” lorraine sed, “becky mcguire, rite?” i sed, “thass rite.” lorraine sed, “soundz like her. well, jeremy. next tyme uc bobby sparkindale, recommend betty narnia 2 him & not me. also, next tyme u wanna go 2 a yrbook party, i’ll let u n, eh?” i sed, “ok & thanx.” 2 strange convos w/yrbook peeps n 1 day. sumthin’ haz them stirred up. thot u mite wanna know that, if u don’t alreddy know.

     

  • At 3:30 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Jeremy, I'm sorry Cindilu wuz such a c-u-next-tuesday 2 u (not that it's my fault, of course!), bcause she's always been decent 2 me. Re. the partee 2 weeks ago, Gordie's still recovering from his injuries, so maybe it was providence, or something, that u weren't able 2 go.

    Yeah Apes, ur mom is always talking about "keeping up appearances." I remember when she spoke @ the anti-drug & alcohol assembly 3 months ago she sed that steering clear of "the satan juice" wld make us look more moral, whatevah that means. Me & Alex still dbl over w/laughter when we talk about the filmstrip & her speech! Oh well...u can thank yr mom 4 getting me outta P.E. that afternoon. :-)

    Alex just showed me the memo Hi wrote her. It looks like it has lots of code words. V. inneresting.

    Vicks

     

  • At 3:44 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I know you were concerned about Sugar’s business going down if I left the salon as the shamp-Oh girl. So I put on my Belfrieda Batsize voice and called up Dr. Ted McCauley about it. His office said he was busy and I should call Krystle McGuire instead. I called up Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. Krystle said, “Mrs. Batsize, the caller ID says you are calling from a hair salon.” I said, “Yes, ma’am. I am at my current employers. They wonder if I can still work here part time, while I am working for you.” Krystle said, “Just to let you know. You were not my choice for a maid. I wanted Lars, the student who is studying body-building at university. He has the muscle for the job, but Ted didn’t want anyone around who might be a temptation for me. Do you know what I mean?” I said, “Yes, ma’am. He might tempt you into furthering your education.” Krystle said, “I should have guessed your parts have all dried up. In any case, I strongly encourage you to keep ties with your old job, because you are so old and feeble, you are probably not going to last at my house for very long, before you have a heart attack while you are vacuuming my dining room rug.” I said, “Central vac, ma’am?” Krystle said, “No. It’s a big 25-kilo portable vacuum.” I said, “I am stronger than I look, ma’am.” Krystle said, “As long as you have the place cleaned, dinner on the table when Ted and I get home, and all of Ted’s sewing done, by 6 pm every day, I don’t care what you do while we are gone.” I said, “Thank you ma’am. It is good to know my future employer is concerned for my health.” Krystle said, “Concerned for your health? That’s not it. I don’t want to hear any excuses from you, if you decide you want to sleep in one day. I had to listen a pile of excuses when Elly Patterson had to explain to me recently why she missed picking up her usual morning crate of pastries. She tried to tell me these outrageous lies, like the traffic was terrible (as if we ever had terrible traffic in Milborough) or she had so much 2 do or she lost track of time. Then when I asked her if she was sick, she went into some kind of zombie trance and stopped talking. I had to shove a scone in her mouth to snap her out of it. Let me tell you, if you do anything like that, I will fire you on the spot.” I said, “That sounds terrible, ma’am. I can’t imagine enduring something like that. I can assure you, ma’am, those are things I will never do.” Krystle said, “See that you don’t.”

    Sugar was pretty excited when I told her I could work for her part-time. I will come into work after Krystle and Dr. McCauley leave for their jobs until Becky gets out of school. Sugar said, “I knew you would find a way to make up with Marjee. You’re such a cute couple, I hate to see you fight.” I said, “It doesn’t have anything to do with Marjee.” But, Marjee did seem happy that I would still be working at the salon part-time.

    That’s the news,
    Howard K.

     

  • At 3:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, i did get 2 finally go 2 that yrbook party wen gordie got njured, but it wuz aftah most every1 had left & cindilu wuz not monitoring the door nemore. i can’t b-lieve gordie iz still recoverin’ frum thoze njuriez. ru goin’ 2 that girl get2gether @rebeccah’z place 2nite? rebeccah promised me i cud c her n her bikini b4 the partee starts & i hafta leave. shannon lake iz suppozed 2b there & i wanna b gone b4 she gets there.

     

  • At 4:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i guess i shda warned u abt the dram betw the yrbook peeps, but i'm still getting used 2 it now.

    howard, yikes, more embarrassing stuff abt my mom! gd 2 hear u still get 2 work @ the salon partime.

    vicks, i was kinda trying 2 4get abt the assemly & the filmstrip, lol!

    apes

     

  • At 4:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, thanx 4 reminding abt the party, jeremy. peeps, we start @ 7 o'clock 2nite. it's gonna b me, alex, eva, vicki, & shannon @ becks's place. we've gotta bring our sleeping bagz, swimsuits, & whatev snacks we wanna have. no boyz, so jeremy u're gonna hafta make yrself scarce b4 7, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 4:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I see from the writings on your Blog, your mother spoke at an anti-drug and alcohol assembly at your school. I am sure you are proud of your mother for taking the time to do it. In my work, it is difficult to find people respected in their community or tribe to speak on important issues. In Otter County, drug and alcohol abuse are tremendous problems with First Nations people. Many people are afraid to address them. They prefer to focus on positive things like pow-wow and quaint First Nations traditions. It is an unusual person who will take a stand on a difficult issue like that.

    Your writings about your mother’s guilt over lying interested me also. I only met your mother once. I am impressed she would feel guilt over lying. I wish more people were like that. I would make my job a lot easier.

    I am not forgetting you. Sometimes, when a parent does work for the public good, other kids may tease her child for it. Your sister has told me many stories about her mother embarrassing her when she was younger. I want you to know, I am proud of you too, for putting up with it. Your sister says you may visit her in Mitigwaki (Land of Trees). I look forward to meeting such an outstanding young woman as you must be.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 4:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, b-lieve me. i am gonna b long gone b4 shannon lake gets there. i don't wanna c her naked or peeing n the pool.

     

  • At 4:39 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     

  • At 4:47 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Yr rite, Jeremy, I totally 4got u came 2 Cindilu's bash ltr. Prolly bcause I was so worried about Gordie. Dr. Klebrige-Fingernagel has him on other drugs now, but I guess the doc knowz what's best.

    Becks's partee 2nite will rock! Shannon came up 2 me b/t 6th & 7th periods & showed me the inflatable Snoopy innertube she's gonna bring. "I...can...swim good...with Snoopy!" she sed, sounding all proud. The front of it has Snoopy's head w/the ears & everything. It's cute. I had a Woodstock innertube when I was 5, but I don't know where it is. "It'll b awesome 2 c u 2nite, and remember 2 wear a swimsuit!" I sed 2 her all cheery, stressing the last part. She nodded eagerly. So we'll c what happens. Maybe she can doggie-paddle. Get it--doggie? Sumbody help me....

    Vicks

     

  • At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, i think april told me shannon duz aquatics n special olympics. so she iz prolly gud @swimming. that inflatable snoopy innertube may b sum kinda strange fashion st8ment. if it coverz up her naked bod, u will prolly b glad she haz it, eh? i’m @rebeccah’z place now. i am helping her get reddy 4 u guyz 2 come ovah. she luks rilly gud n a bikini. don’t worry. i’ll b gone b4 u girlz get here.

     

  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    paul, it's true, our mom can b v. v. embarrassing. i hope i can visit during march vacation.

    jeremy's rite, shannon does aquatics in special olympics. so fashion statement's prolly a gd guess.

    apes

     

  • At 7:07 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I hope you ladies are having fun at your party. I have to meet Dennis for a dance rehearsal for tomorrow's competition and then I will spend the rest of the evening packing. It sounds pretty dull compared to what you will be doing.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:49 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so we're all here & becks is giving us a tour. ooh, this is gonna take a while!

    apes

     

  • At 8:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, this place is amazing, peeps! 2 think i was s00per-impressed when becks & i were little & she had an above-ground pool & a badminton net. now she's got the huge indoor-outdoor inground pool, the badminton court, the tennis court, the racquetball court, the--oh, wait, we're moving on 2 our next part of the tour!

    apes

     

  • At 9:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, eva thot the tour was v. interesting. alex sed it was way cube, vicki sed it was "rad", & shannon sed, "is it over already? aw that was fun, let's go again!" becks is giving us the pool rulez now.

    apes

     

  • At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April…keeps…typing…things. The…other…girls…look…at…her…funny. I…know…how…it…feels. I…am…typing…too, so…she…won’t…be…al…one. April...is...my...friend.

     

  • At 10:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The...human...body...is...the...greatest...natu...ral...wonder...in...all...of...God's...creation. There...is...nothing...more...bea...utiful...than...the...naked...human...form. There...is..nothing...to...be...ashamed...of. That's...what...my...mot...her...says.

     

  • At 11:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Becky...McGuire...is...mean. My...Snoopy...inner...tube...does...not...like...her.

     

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