Shannon's Imaginary Apartment
So, like I started 2 tell U yesterday, after Becks gave me that CD Monday & walked off w/the 2 girlz who mite B tryin' 2 get her in trub or mayB just wanna B her BFF by giving her quiz answerz & essays, Shannon was headin' my way down the hall. When she got 2 me, I was looking @ Becky's CD, which is called "Rebeccah." Shan did this thing where she looks up @ U sidewayz, almost flirty, which I hafta ask her Y she does that, eh? & she was all, "Hi, April...How's...it...goin'?" And I was, all, "OK, Shannon. I've just got a lot on my mind rite now." Y am I alwayz sayin' that 2 her? It soundz all, like, dismissy. Shannon sed, "Me 2! I'm...goin' in2 a ...progr...amme 4...independent living....it's...where...they..teach...U how 2...live on yr...own!" Then she sed, "I've already...got an apartment. It's...got blue...walls...an'...a...couch...an' a big...TV, an'... a bedroom....with 2 curtains...with blue an' white...stripes. There's...a desk...4 my computer...an'...a screened...porch...an' a garden!" I was, like, "Soundz cool! Where is this place?" Shannon was like, "I'm...not sure...my imagination alwayz...gets...there B4 I do!" I was kinda disappointed cuz the apt sounded cube & I was abt ready 2 move in 2 get away fr. my crazy 'rents. Esp my mom, all retired & wanting 2 put in xtra "April time", like doing her own version of this Independent Living programme, tho I'm guessing not nearly as well.
Sumbody posting anonymously was all askin' Y I didn't invite Shannon 2 my b-day, all "I didn't C her". But I did invite her & she went. MayB this person saw sum pix of my b-day? Shan didn't show up in the pix, but then again, neither did Becks, Drew Fontaine, Jeremy, or Dirne, & they were all there 2. I guess U'll hafta ask the photographer Y thoze peeps were left out, eh?
Apes
Sumbody posting anonymously was all askin' Y I didn't invite Shannon 2 my b-day, all "I didn't C her". But I did invite her & she went. MayB this person saw sum pix of my b-day? Shan didn't show up in the pix, but then again, neither did Becks, Drew Fontaine, Jeremy, or Dirne, & they were all there 2. I guess U'll hafta ask the photographer Y thoze peeps were left out, eh?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:43 AM
29 Comments:
At 11:47 AM,
April Patterson said…
i just had this weird encounter w/dunc in the hallway. he was humming "vision thing" by sisters of mercy. when i stopped him 2 say "hi", he was all, "did u know zandra has a tattoo on her back? it's cube!" then w/out w8ing 4 my answer, he went off singing, all, "it's a small world and it smells funny/i'd buy another if it wasn't for the money/
take back what I paid/for another motherf**ker in a motorcade."
apes
At 2:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
Don't feel bad, April. You'll get better at your hallway banter. Eva, Jeremy, and I will help you practice.
Shannon
P.S. I'm not putting ellipses into my posts anymore cuz no one ever got the joke.
At 2:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
Shannon's right, Apes. You just need practice. Next time I see you in the hall, I'm gonna go, "Hi, April!" When I do, you should say, "Hey, Eva, how's it going?" I'll say, "Fine, how 'bout you?" Don't say, "I've got a lot on my mind." Instead, say, "I'm good, thanks!" Then I'll say, "K, gotta go, catch ya later!" And you can be all, "Okay, later!" We'll start small like that.
Eva
At 2:07 PM,
April Patterson said…
okay, guys, thanx 4 offering 2 help. i don't know y i have trub just havin' normal convo's in the hall betw classes. mayB it's, like, a Patterson brain glitch. i'll def try 2 work on it.
apes
At 4:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva & shannon & dirne sed i am suppozed 2 help u w/ur hallway banter. i dunno y i shud help u. it’s not like i am ne good @it. wen i am w/dirne b4 skool, aftah skool & @lunch, she’z alwayz sayin’ thingz like, “compliment avery on her designer socks.” or “tell zapata u love her ‘i hate the swiss’ hair clip.” i sed, “thass the kinda stuff girlz say 2 othah girlz. boyz who do that get beat up.” dirne sed, “u don’t say it 2 boyz, silly. u only say it 2 girlz & only 2 girlz who r smaller than ur & only if u rilly mean it.” then shannon came up 2 us & sed, “hi, jeremy. hi, dirne. how’z it goin’?” dirne sed, “it iz goin’ quite well. it looks like they r servin’ chicken wraps 4 lunch 2day. now it’s ur turn jeremy.” i sed 2 shannon, “ur hair looks rilly nice 2day. i luks like u have lost a little w8. u have a beautiful smile.” dirne sed, “now ur overdoin’ it, jeremy.” shannon sed, “it’s…ok. i…like…gettin’…compliments. especially…frum…boyz.”
so, we sat down 2 lunch 2/eva & vicki. shannon wuz rilly xxcited ‘bout that apartment she haz. eva sed, “ur own apartment & ur only 16. thass hella cube.” shannon sed, “it’s…an…apartment…in…the…centre…4…independent…living…n…milborough. it’s…not…like…i…am…rilly…alone, cuz…peeps…will…check…n…on… me. plus…i…am…17…n…july.” dirne sed, “so cud we have parties n ur apartment?” shannon sed, “mebbe…small…quiet…parties. there’z…not…a…lotta…room. it’s…a…big…step…4…me…2ward…getting’…my…TIL…(toward…independent…living) …program…certificate…&…i…don’t…wanna…mess…up…w/a… party…&…get…kicked…outa…the…pro…gram.” i sed, “but u can stay up l8 if u want? no 1 tellz u wen 2 go 2 bed?” shannon sed, “yes. but…i…still…hafta…go…2…skool, so…i…can’t…stay…up…rilly…l8.” vicki sed, “i am so jealous. i wish i wuz special needz.” i sed, “me 2.” dirne sed, “me 3.” eva sed, “me 4.” shannon sed, “u…guyz…r…makin’…me…feel…rilly…gud. i’m…glad…2…have…friendz…that…r…innerested…n…wut…i…am…doin’, nstead…of…sayin’…they…have…2…much…on…their…mind…2…talk…2…me.”
vicki sed, “so ru allowed 2 have guyz there overnite?” shannon sed, “oh…no. the…peeps…who…run…the…CIL…monitor…that…kinda…stuff…&…my…‘rents…wud…nevah…evah…approve…if…that…wuz…possible. it’s…amazin’…they…evn…let…me…get…the…apartment.” i sed, “r ur ‘rents lettin’ u have a bf now?” shannon sed, “no. no. no. jeremy. they’re…not…evn…close…2…doin’…that.” dirne sed, “but ur 16? ur ‘rents shud b takin’ charge of ur luv life & makin’ sure ur properly trained 2b a gud gf.” vicki sed, “ur trained?” dirne sed, “yes.” eva sed, “i nevah heard of that b4. do they teach u2 cook & clean & sew?” dirne sed, “but of course there iz a lot more 2 b-ing a gud gf than those thingz, but iz there sumthin’ wrong w/knowin’ how 2 cook & clean & sew?” eva sed, “it’s kinda old-fashioned.” shannon sed, “they call…it…old…skool.” i sed, “april’z mom iz gonna train her 2 do that kinda stuff.” shannon sed, “mrs. p…iz…gonna…teach…april? april…shud…teach…mrs. p. i…thot…aftah…the…poison…chicken…wrap…mrs. p…made…april, she…wuz…banned…frum…cookin’…@her…house…4…life.” every started laffin’ ‘bout that.
thass kinda how lunch went 2day.
At 5:03 PM,
April Patterson said…
mom wants peeps 2 think she'z the one who'z gonna give me cookin' lessons, but really she just encouraged me 2 get cookin' lessons fr sum1 else. & by that time, i'd already made arrangements 4 lessons w/howard, tho we haven't started yet cuz he'z been hella busy l8ly. but now mom thinx it's like all her idea & howard told me i mite as well let her think that cuz it's not gonna hurt & cd help.
shannon, sorry i was all brush-offy abt havin' 2 much on my mind 2 talk. i dunno what my prob was, eh?
apes
At 5:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your talk with your friend Shannon. Otter County is too small to have a separate place for special needs people to have independent living. It sounds like your friend’s new apartment is very similar to your sister’s apartment. I am sure you were telling a joke when you wrote about wanting to move in with your friend and get away from your parents. Your mother is very wise and has many things to teach you.
I am getting ready for my weekend trip to visit your sister in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). My partner is upset I get to go on the weekend. Normally police are the busiest over the weekends, but someone high up in the Ontario Provincial Police put in the order for me to have weekends off. I am not going to complain, because that is when your sister has the most time to spend with me. Someone is watching over your sister and me. I am packing my bandages and I have a fresh fish for Shiimsa. I should see her tomorrow. The next time I write you will probably be from your sister’s apartment.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 5:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
mm, yeah, paul, i was tellin' the kinda joke where, like, u r totally serious, eh? lol! u slay me!
apes
At 5:17 PM,
howard said…
April,
Dinner at Becky’s tonight. You’re making it, with instruction from me, naturally. Becky is over at the Valhalla getting ready for her evening show and her mom Krystle and Dr. McCaulay are over there seeing the show. The dogs are watered and fed. I bought the ingredients, so I am all ready. Come on over and we can get started.
P.S. Marjee Mahaha said she might come over to lift some weights. I hope you don't mind if she watches.
Howard K.
At 5:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'm on my way, howard! no prob abt marjee watching.
apes
At 5:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'm at the gates now getting ready to ring. See you soon, April!
Marjee
At 5:48 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Just to let you know. April is here chopping veggies. She is not too bad, but her style is a little crude. She said briefly, “But mom likes them crudely chopped” before she realized what she was saying. After that, we are preparing the sauce and I will instruct April on how to develop her palate for testing the sauce to make sure it has just the right blend of seasonings so that no one taste or texture overpowers the rest and all can be tasted at once. It sounds trickier than it is. The greatest obstacle is overcoming whatever damage has been done to April’s palate from years of eating her mother’s cooking.
Marjee is lifting weights while she watches us and yes, she has put pads down in the kitchen so if she drops a weight, she won’t break anything.
Howard K.
At 6:05 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Testing the sauce has proved to be more difficult than I thought. I don’t think I realized how bad April’s mom’s cooking was until this point. When April asked what kind of casserole the sauce was going into, I knew we had some work ahead of us. It may take several lessons to undo this kind of damage.
Marjee has stopped lifting weights and I had to slap her hands several times to keep them out of the food. I may have to send her out with the dogs, if she keeps being a nuisance.
Howard K.
At 6:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
That food is smelling soooooo good, it's hard to resist sampling it. But Howard is very good with the threats. Very effective!
Marjee
At 6:59 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
It was time for the side dishes and April said, “I know how to make those. I had home ec in grade 8 at the high school and I was way better than Becky.” I said, “What did you learn in home ec?” April said, “They taught how vegetables give you vitamins and why boiling an egg makes the inside hard and how to make potato salad.” I said, “I can see the education system has not improved since I took home ec at the Training School for Boys. What colour is the sauce?” April said, “Reddish-brown.” I said, “What colour veggies go with reddish-brown?” April said, “Carrots are orange. They would work. My sister-in-law Deanna swears by boiled carrots cut into coins.” I said, “Carrot coins. Interesting. What else does your sister-in-law make?” April said, “Soup from leftovers. She made a soup from a Thanksgiving carcass my brother said was like ambrosia.” I said, “That sounds like your brother. Soup from leftovers and carrot coins, eh? Let’s start from scratch.”
I said, “Orange is too close a colour to red in the visual light spectrum. The look of the food on the plate is as important to the taste as the actual food.” What colour veggies did you cut up?” April said, “Yellow, green and purple.” I said, “Exactly. When you put them next to the sauce what do you see?” April said, “Marjee’s hand?” I said, “Marjee! Get your hand away from there!”
I said, “What is the best way to cook the vegetables, to keep them crisp and to retain their flavour?” April said, “Crock pot?” I said, “You poor girl. Was crock pot really the first thing that came into your head?” April said, “No, but I knew it wasn’t casserole dish.” I said, “Do you know what this cooking item is?” April said, “It’s a defensive weapon.” I said, “No. That would be a frying pan. This is a sauté pan.” April said, “Does it work as well as a frying pan?” I said, “For defense, no. For sautéing, yes.”
Now, April will learn proper sautéing techniques.
Howard K.
At 7:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Poor April! She's saying "Wow, I seem to have forgotten all that stuff I useta know when I was making spinach quiches, lasagnas, and stuff like that. Too much time with Mom rots the brain!" She seems to be doing well with the sautéing so far! I wish Howard weren't so strict with his rule of "No sampling, and that means you, Marjee!"
Marjee
At 7:32 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I know you will be safe. Your father would not let harm come to you. He would not use you for his own selfish purposes and put your life at risk. He puts you first in his list of priorities. I am repeating that until I believe it.
Over here, we are well on our way to sautéing the vegetables in whole butter to illustrate Ratatouille. We have combined onions, roasted garlic, eggplant, zucchini, and finally some tomato Concassé. I think April understands the importance of a hot pan and demonstrated the proper technique for sautéing vegetables. She said, “This is different from making spinach quiches, lasagnas, and stuff like that.” I said, “Those are nice dishes but you lose the element of danger you have with a hot sauté pan.”
Next on the menu is sautéing shrimp and adding in the sauce we created before, which will illustrate the special concerns in sautéing seafood. You need to have a good eye and excellent timing so that the dish is not overcooked. I am sad to report April did say, “We don’t want to burn the butt off the shrimp.” She was pretty embarrassed it came out of her mouth. However, I agreed with her. I said, “After shelling and deveining these little babies, we want their little shrimpie bottoms to be nice and pink and not burnt. You are quite right, April.” I think April feels better now.
Fortunately we will be done soon. I don’t know how much more of this cooking Marjee can take.
Howard K.
At 7:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becks, you would not believe how hard it is to resist tasting all this delicious-smelling food Howard is teaching April to make! My hands are sore from all the smacking.
Sorry I'm not there to cheer you on. BDT was worried I'd want to protect you and mess up his "very special show".
Marjee
At 7:51 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
April has completed her first cooking lesson with an emphasis on sautéing. She did an excellent job. Marjee and April sat down to eat what she cooked. I am too nervous about the skit Thorvald is having you do to eat, so please let me know what happens.
Howard K.
At 8:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
that dinner howard taut me 2 make was yummilicious, but poor howard is a wreck! he keeps pacing & he sez "if i don't hear from becky in another ten minutes, i'm going over there myself, thorvald b damned!"
apes
At 8:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, becks, that soundz v. embarrassing. but howard has seen yr post so he'z calming down now, knowing @ least u r safe.
we saved sum leftover 4 u!
apes (my last post went thru b4 i saw yrs)
At 8:55 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
It sounds like the reaction to your show is quite different than the skit I have to do on weekdays. Namely the elderly trying to throw dinner rolls at Basher dressed as a teenager usually don’t have the arm strength to get the roll off their plate, much less to the stage. Sometimes they try to bat the dinner rolls onto the stage with their walkers and that always ends up going badly.
The real question is “Where did those carrot coins come from?” I designed the menu over there and the cooking staff is under strict orders not to cut carrots into coin shapes. Either they disobeyed me, which would be very bad for them, or someone snuck carrot coins into the Valhalla. If that is the case, then the Valhalla is attracting the wrong kind of people. I wonder if Thorvald would approve searching the Valhalla patrons for carrot coins on the way in.
In any case, I am glad you are safe. Did you get to see my new sign Thorvald had made that says, “Weekday Evenings: Howard. He Took Down a 100 Teenagers”? I thought the lettering and colouring on it were quite nice.
Howard K.
At 9:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
My best friend Thorvald has employed me as a bouncer/busboy at the Valhalla. Isn't that wonderful news?
I am sorry to have to tell you that your parents and grandparents behaved atrociously this evening. Your grandmother kept throwing dinner rolls at Becky, though I think this is because she was trying to keep your grandfather from eating them. "You can't have so many refined carbohydrates!" I heard her yell at him, and I watched her snatch a roll right from his lips, then hurl it at Becky. I told her to please stop that, because it was not respectful to the performers, but your grandmother said, "You don't understand, Jim is on a special diet."
Your father actually threw most of his dinner onto the stage, then called me over to complain that the portions at the Valhalla were not large enough and he was still hungry. I pointed out that if he hadn't thrown most of his food onto the stage, he would be full. Your father then complained that there weren't any dinner rolls for him to throw because your mother ate them too fast. I pointed out that, as busboy, I had brought him four refills on dinner rolls. Your father said, "So? One basket, five baskets, it's all the same. My wife ate them too fast." Your mother sighed and said, "It's true. I have the figure of a refrigerator." And I said, "Mrs. Patterson, that isn't quite true. A refrigerator is hard and angular." Dr. Patterson laughed so hard he almost choked.
Then Dr. Patterson asked me if it was true that all the desserts at the Valhalla were flaming. I said it was true. Then he said, "Good, that should slow her down some." So I asked him if he understood you were supposed to blow out the flames before eating. He said, "The important thing is, Mrs. Patterson doesn't know that. Bring us a Baked Alaska and a Cherries Jubilee." I promised to tell his waiter, but Mr. Patterson said, "There will be a special tip in it for you if you bring the desserts yourself. And that little flamethrower you use to light them with."
I said, "I think you mean the creme brulee torch." But Dr. Patterson didn't answer.
Well, I brought the desserts and set them on fire. I put the Baked Alaska in front of Dr. Patterson, and the Cherries Jubilee in front of Mrs. Patterson. I lit them on fire. This really pleased Mrs. Patterson, who started to ooh and ahh.
"This is so exotic! What is it, a French thing?" she asked.
"No, the Valhalla is a Viking restaurant," I told her.
"Ooh! That's good. Those Frenchies are nasty people," she said, and she tucked her napkin into her collar.
Dr. Patterson said, "The Vikings like their desserts to stay warm while they eat them." He winked at me, then slugged me in the leg from under the table.
And I said, "Yes! It's a great Viking custom for extending the meal, and thus also their enjoyment of it."
"How lovely!" Mrs. Patterson squealed. Then she started to try to eat her dessert, and had to stop in confusion. "But how do I eat it without burning myself?"
"You scoop up a bite, then blow it out," Dr. Patterson said. "That's how it's properly done. But I don't have the patience for that, so I'm going to blow mine out." Which he did. The meringue was nicely toasted.
Mrs. Patterson glared at him. "How rude of you to disregard the lovely customs of our Viking hosts!" So she ate her dessert as Dr. Patterson suggested, blowing out each bite in turn. It took her a long time to eat. By the time she was finished, Dr. Patterson had finished his Baked Alaska.
On the way out the door, Dr. Patterson slipped me a $50. "Thanks, Gerald," he said. "That's the first time I've had more than two bites of my own dessert in nearly 20 years! Go have some fun, on me!"
I think I might use the $50 to take Drew Fontaine to the batting cages.
Devotedly yours, Gerald
At 9:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard,
To answer your questions:
1) About the throwing of the dinner rolls. Iris Richards has a much stronger arm than most of the elderly customers. She says it comes from having to snatch sweets away from her husband "faster than a speeding bullet."
Also, many of the audience members tonight were middle-aged. They seem to hate teenagers just as much as the elderly patrons, though. I put some baby powder in my hair, just in case.
2) Carrot coins. Apparently, Dr. Patterson called ahead to request a special dinner of baked chicken, couscous, and carrot coins. None of those things are on the menu, but Thorvald chose to give in to him. He says that Pattersons are important customers to have, because whatever they like seems to succeed, and whatever they hate seems to fail. In general. So he wanted them to like the Valhalla. Thorvald seemed to regret the decision to make the carrot coins, however, when he was picking them out of Becky's ponytail.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 9:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Because I have been very worried about Shiimsa, I took her to the special "Mental Health Day" at the nursing station. Did you know that April is the month with the highest suicide rate? I guess Viv is trying to promote awareness. Depression is more common up north, especially after a long, dark winter.
Anyway, Viv and I talked about Shiimsa's condition. Viv agrees that Shiimsa definitely is clinically depressed. She's lethargic, she doesn't eat, she doesn't think playing or slashing is fun anymore, she sleeps too much, and she keeps saying that life without Faustus isn't worth living.
Viv says that because this is a serious condition, she is going to put Shiimsa on Prozac. I was very upset by that at first. I remembered the stories that Gerald told about his experiences on Prozac. But Viv told me she thinks an obsession with classical history would be better than a cat who is suicidally depressed.
Shiimsa took her first pill this evening. She looks the same to me. Viv gave me some literature to read on Prozac, but it's all in small print and it gives me a headache to think about it. So maybe I will read it later. We are going to cuddle now.
Liz
At 9:39 PM,
howard said…
Gerald,
Thank you for the details on the events at the Valhalla. You have been unusually informative. The next time I have food I do not want Elly Patterson to eat, I know now to set it on fire. I was glad you got a good tip for such an ingenious idea, although I might suggest that instead of taking Drew Fontaine to the batting cages with your money, perhaps you should take your girlfriend on a date instead. The last time he did that, he had terrible sweat stains on arms of his shirt and it took quite a bit of cleaning to remove them.
Also please tell Thorvald I am not cleaning up any carrot coins on that stage. It’s going to be bad enough to pick out of Becky’s hair the ones he will, no doubt, be unable to find.
Howard K.
At 9:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, ger, i am so embarrassed. again. i hafta go back 2 thinking abt going in2 exile & changing my name. what do u think of avril parlefils? do u think i cd pass 4 quebecois?
liz, sorry shiimsa has been so down. ger told me that the prozac takes a while 2 kick in, so u wdn't notice nething after just one dose.
apes
At 9:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, & ger, i agree w/howard abt using the $ 2 take me on a d8!
apes
At 10:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, my mom & future dad just got home frum c-ing a show @the valhalla. i told mom weekendz were rebeccah’z show tyme & she wuz depressed by that wen she left cuz she did not wanna patronize a girl who usedta b my pre-gf az a show of support 2 me. but future dad alreddy had the tix, so she went neway. i had hoped 2 go out w/dirne, but my mom sed i hadda stay here w/my future sis.
while they were gone, future sis kept pumpin’ me 4 questionz ‘bout dirne. she sed, “iz she pretty? wut duz she luk like?” i showed her dirne’z picture. my future sis sed, “u have a picture of her? wtf?” i sed, “dirne told me a proper gf makes sure her bf iz well-supplied w/pro fotoz 2 show, so he knowz she iz serious ‘bout the relationship.” my future sis sed, “u shud call her. i wanna talk 2 her.” i sed, “ok. it’s not 2 l8 2 call.” my future sis sed, “wutya mean, not 2 l8.” i sed, “dirne told me a proper gf will only accept callz frum her bf b4 the hour of 9.”
so we called up dirne & i sed, “my future sis sed she wunts 2 talk 2u?” so i put my future sis on the fone & she sed, “hi dirne. how’z it goin’?” then she sed, “they’re @the valhalla 4 a show. since u & jer didn’t get 2 go out, do u wanna come ovah here & hang w/jeremy & me?” then she sed, “ok. mebbe we cud go ovah 2 ur place?” then she sed, “mebbe sum othah tyme then.” then she hung up & sed, “the bitch!” i sed, “wtf? yru callin’ dirne a bitch.” my future sed, “this girl iz all ‘bout rulez & regulationz. she’z not the girl 4u, future bro.” i sed, “i think u’d like her, if u met her.” my future sis sed, “not likely. luk @the way ur dressed. it’s all fancy.” i sed, “it’s designer. dirne bot it 4 me.” my future sis sed, “it’s not u. ur not a designer clothez kinda guy.” i sed, “wutevah.” my future sis sed, “wut ‘bout that shannon girl u liked? iz she still available?” i sed, “her ‘rents r against her d8in’ ne1. but she did get an apartment all 2 herself.” my future sis sed, “no way. her own apartment? let’s go visit her.” i sed, “i think she haz rulez against that.” my future sed, “call her & c.” so i called shannon @her apartment. i sed, “i wuz rite. she can’t have guests ovah this l8 @nite.” my future sis sed, “lemme talk2 her.” she sed, “hi, shannon. how’z it goin’?” then she sed, “jer & i wanna come ovah & c ur new place. we won’t stay long.” then she sed, “but u don’t hafta break the rulez, just bend them a bit.” then she sed, “ok. mebbe sum othah tyme then.” then she hung up & sed, “the bitch!” i sed, “wtf? yru callin’ shannon a bitch?” my future sed, “this girl iz all ‘bout rulez & regulationz. she’z not the girl 4u, future bro.” i sed, “i think u’d like her, if u met her.” my future sis sed, “not likely.”
then my mom & future dad came home. my mom sed, “that show wuz gr8. just gr8.” i sed, “i told u rebeccah wuz a good singer.” my mom sed, “wen she iz not dodging dinner rollz i guess.” my future dad sed, “we musta beaned her w/a dinner roll @least 3 tymez & we were not the only 1s. there were lotsa peeps throwin’ food.” my mom sed, “then this big guy came out & sed, ‘the teenager skit part of the program iz ovah. stop throwin’ food.’ so we threw dinner rollz @him. then he sed sumthin’ ‘bout a battle roll & payin’ customerz.” my future dad sed, “u heard ‘battle roll’? i thot he sed, ‘bottle roll’.” i sed, “it wuz prolly battle troll.” my future dad, “that duzn’t make sense.” my mom sed, “i duzn’t mattah. ur ex-gf kept on singin’ till & ur gonna luv this, elly patterson started shriekin’ ‘bout wasted food & climbed onto the stage 2 get sum of the stuff we had thrown up there.” my future dad sed, “it kinda scared me. i thot it wuz sum kinda monster, but my imagination always gets there b4 i do.” i sed, “wutevah that meanz.” my mom sed, “it wuz a gr8 show. u shud go w/dirne & throw food @becky. it wud b v. therapeutic 4u.” my future sis sed, “yeah. future bro, we shud go.” i sed, “i like rebeccah. i don’t wanna humiliate her.” my future sis sed, “oh c’mon. future bro. stop b-ing designer bf & have sum fun.” i sed, “i don’t wanna.” my future sis sed, “u bitch!” & she stomped off. i sed, “wtf iz that ‘bout?” my future dad sed, “boy problemz. her bf just broke up w/her.” i sed, “ok. that xxplainz it.” so i went back 2 talk 2 my future sis & sed, “hey, future sis. future dad sez u & ur bf broke up.” my future sis sed, “y did he do that? we were gud 4 each othah. but he sed he found anothah girl & she wuz perfect. like the perfect gf.” i sed, “there’z no such thing az a perfect gf. but there iz such a thing az a loser bf, like ne1 who wud break up w/u.” neway, we had 1 of thoze long talks that only a future sis & a future bro can have. i think she iz feelin’ bettah now.
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