The Bill 4 Ned
It's been a while since Lovey Saltzman, Mike's landlady, has posted here, but I guess she still lurks and she's just sent me an e-mail:
Apes
April Patterson! Your meshuggah brother, he makes my Aqua Net sprayed hair hurt! After that conversation he had with Josef Weeder, the one you wrote about yesterday, I came out into to hallway. That schmendrik Michael, he had little Merrie with him still, even though the middle of the night it was! I put my arms across my chest and asked, "And... What is Ned?" That meschuge Michael told me, "Oh... Just a little plastic guy Weed an' I had when we were in school. He hung on our apartment window. He was our mascot, our anti-hero, our futility symbol." That brother of yours April, such love he had in his eyes when he spoke these words. Never have I seen such adoration from him, not when he speaks of his wife, not when he tells me of those precious babies of his. Just this Ned. Next, he was telling me, "When we moved, we argued over who would get him. He's sort of gone back and forth since then. It's kind of stupid, really. He's not worth anything." This was when I noticed the little one, Meredith, was holding a large puffball, and I hoped it was not a dust bunny she had found in foyer. But before I had any chance to say this, the plumber said, "Mrs. Saltzman? Your bill for getting 'Ned' out of the plumbing system, comes to $432.86."Uh-oh, Blogger is now telling me "Saving and publishing may fail." Like I need that.
Like I need this, April Patterson! This is more than it cost me to fix the plaster those flenkschtigel Kelpfroths knocked down with their banging. Your brother and his little family, I love them! But I don't need this. I'm old!
Lovey
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM
10 Comments:
At 9:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I was quite pleased to see my landlady Lovey Saltzman thought our conversation during the evening about Ned Tanner was worth remarking to you. It had been so long since Lovey wrote you, I almost thought she had gotten pregnant, had a baby in Chapel Hill, N.C., and was too busy to write anymore. Of course that is just a silly thought. After all, in some respects Lovey is just like Ned. She hangs around our apartment, like Ned did, except she wears more clothes (thank goodness!). She is like our mascot, because she cheers us on like a sports team mascot does. She is our anti-hero, because she fights for us and stands up for us, but nothing really happens as the result. The Kelpfroths are still living underneath us, after all. She is our futility symbol, even though she made the arrangement with us to make our own repairs, the plumber from Parton’s Plumbing still handed the plumbing bill to her. She keeps trying to cut her expenses on the apartments by not keeping them up, and yet somehow people keep expecting her to pay for repairs. Lovey is like a Ned to me, except he is anatomically correct, but she is worth a lot more than $432.86. I would put her at least at $500. That’s a lot easier number to think about.
Just to let you know, the puffball my daughter was holding, was either the way her breath looks in the cold, or she was blowing a bubble, or she was trying to conjure a hair fairy. It was difficult for me to tell. When I was talking to Lovey I barely looked at either Lovey or my daughter, because the bricks traveling along the brick wall were very distracting to me. Have you ever seen that? A brick wall, where the bricks are moving from one moment to the next? The structural integrity of the Heritage Houses leaves a little bit to be desired. I suspect it is because there is so much mortar in between a few bricks. Someone was trying to save money on bricks when they put the wall together. When I get my own house, there will be more bricks than mortar in the brick wall. I would recommend the same to you, when you get a house with Gerald, after you’re married. If plumbing bills just to get Ned out are $432.86, I would hate to think how much it would cost to rebuild a brick wall. Maybe a gazillion dollars.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings quoting the conversation between your nisayenh (brother) and his ashangekweg (landlady), while your nindoozhimis (niece) was there. Your nisayenh (brother) seems to love his plastic guy Ned doll, even though he said he was kind of stupid and not worth anything. When I spoke about this to your sister, she said, “Paul. Do you think I am kind of stupid and not worth anything?” I said, “Of course not, teacher. You couldn’t teach children if you were stupid, and the bills I have gotten for making long distance calls to you for hours every day for the last 6 months are worth every loonie. Do you think you can get the Skype back from your sister?” Then your sister told me a story about how Skype was a mistake, because it was so inexpensive, and since I had not gotten my transfer yet, I had to do something to prove my love to her. I said to my sweet girl, “Is there a less expensive way to prove my love?” Then she said, “I don’t think so. It’s not like you are married and can get divorced to show how much you love me. If Mike can spend $432.86 because he loves his weird plastic doll, then I think you can spend more than that on me.” She was right. It is so wonderful talking to your sister, I shouldn’t complain. When I get my transfer, and we are living together, I will get to talk to her for hours and hours and it won’t cost anything. Well, actually, it will have cost my great job in Otter County, but your sister is worth it.
I mentioned the conversation to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. She said, “You’re telling me about how Elizabeth’s brother lost a plastic doll in his plumbing, and it cost a lot to get the plastic doll out? Suds (her nickname for me), people in the South are very different from people in the Northwest. I count people as the most important, like you are to me. Not plastic dolls.” I don’t think Chipper understood the "mascot, anti-hero, and futility symbol" parts of the conversation. Of course, I didn’t either.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
Your brother should thank his lucky stars that Irving "Pepper" Saltzman, Lovey "Slumlord" Saltzman's dearly beloved husband, was "taken for a ride" by the Ottowa mob back in the early 80's, as the result of a turf war over fancy imported eastern European hookers. (Irving "Pepper" Saltzman once had a monopoly on their services throughout the province.) Were "Pepper" alive today, your brother would be paying quite dearly for his little plastic doll, probably through the medium of a hockey-stick beating administered by a couple of retired Oilers visiting him late at night in his lonely attic room. As it is, I strongly suggest he "pony up" the 432 dollars (Canadian) to keep "Lovey" happy, or she will call in some favors from her husband's old associates and he will really have something to whine about.
Yours in law enforcement,
Sgt. Royalson
At 12:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
sgt royalson, i don't know abt this irving "pepper" guy, but lovey's husband is named morrie and he's still alive, last i heard.
apes
At 12:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, we've not been formally introduced, I am Sheilagh Shaughnessy. At least I think that's how I'm spelling my name at the moment. As you must know from reading your brother's monthly letters, I possess and guide your brother as he takes dictation from me to recount my life as a war bride. He inhabits my world like a hovering spirit observing my trials and tribulations. Or at least this is how he describes it.
Really, I am part of your brother's psyche. Bit by bit, I have been taking a more formidable role in his mental landscape, and finally I am strong enough that I can take control of his body to write to you directly.
You might have wondered just what I represent to Michael. In some ways I am his feminine side. On some level, he has always wanted to be a dominant woman like his mother, since he views his father--his primary male role model--as weak and ineffectual. However, he also resents his father's weakness and his mother's dominance. This is why he gives me so much suffering in his "novel." This is why he makes Harvey such an abusive lout, and also why he has me sit back and take that abuse.
Your brother resents his wife Deanna, who tries to get him to spend less time hiding in his attic so he can be with her and their children some more. On some level, he'd like to lash out at her like Harvey Rood does to me. When she complains that she needs more help with the children, he'd like to tell her "fend for yourself."
But at the same time, he feels guilty for having such unacceptable impulses, so he also identifies with me and with Deanna as the object of a neglectful, emotionally withholding husband.
And then there is Josef Weeder and the Ned doll. Remember that their conflict over Ned arose when Weed gave the doll to his girlfriend Carleen. This provoked a fierce jealousy in Mike, who secretly desires to be the one and only object of Weed's love. By giving the doll to Carleen, Weed was choosing her over Michael.
Well, I'll write more at a later time. Your brother is struggling to regain control over his body and mind, and I feel my hold loosening.
Sheilagh Shaughnessy
At 2:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, 2day, i got paid 4 doin’ the xmas party @zapata henderson’s place. zapata gave me $167.14 & i sed, “thass short by ‘bout $432.86.” zapata sed, “sorry, zeremy. i wuz talkin’ 2 my bf eldritch & he wuz in hiz car & i wuz sayin’ how the book of ecclesiastes talks ‘bout the futility of man. & then eldritch called me a religious freak & closed the car window on me & then i threw a rock thru the window & it cost $432.86 to repair the window & i didn’t wanna hafta ask mom & dad 4 money 2 repair eldritch’s car again aftah the last tyme, so wen dad gave me the money 2 pay u, i kinda hadda use it 2 pay 2 repair eldritch’s car. i hope u don’t mind.” i sed, “ru gonna give me the $432.86 sum tyme l8er?” zapata sed, “i don’t have it. i wuz hopin’ u wud let me have 4 free & not make a big deal ‘bout it, cuz ur a nice kinda guy.” i sed, “u must b thinkin’ of sum1 else, but i recognize futility wen ic it. next tyme i do a party @ur house, i get paid in advance.” zapata sed, “thanx zeremy. ur my anti-hero.” then she ran off 2b w/eldritch.
i saw zandra larson in the library & i sed, “wut’s an anti-hero?” zandra sed, “it’s not the regular tutorin’ time. talk 2 me l8er.” i started 2 leave, but then she stopped me & sed, “it’s wen a main character in a dramatic or narrative work is characterized by a lack of traditional heroic qualities, such as idealism or courage.” i sed, “thanx. now i know y zapata henderson called me her ‘anti-hero’.” zandra sed, “zapata got sum money outa u, eh? thass 2 bad. u’ll know bettah next tyme.”
aftah i left the library, i wuz feelin’ kinda bad & shannon lake sidled up 2 unexpected. she sed, “havin’…probs…jeremy?” i sed, “zapata henderson took $432.86 outa the money i wuz supposed 2 get 4 doin’ her ‘rents’ party last weekend. it seems futile 2 try 2 get it back.” shannon sed, “1st…is…the…dangers…of…futility; the…belief…there…is…nothing…1…man…or…1…woman…can…do…against…the…enormous…array…of…the…world’s…ills—against…misery…&…ignorance, injustice…&…violence. yet…many…of…the…world’s…great…movements, of…thought…&…action, have…flowed…from…the…work…of…a…single…man. --- robert…kennedy.” i sed, “thass a pretty good quote.” shannon sed, “wen…ur…special…needs, u…know….all…’bout…futility.” i sed, “shannon lake, ur my hero.” shannon sed, “don’t…u…mean…anti-hero?” i sed, “no. u fit the hero definition better.” shannon sed, “good…as…long…as…u…don’t…call…me…mascot. the…r.p. boire…cheerleaders…wunted…me…2…try…out….4…mascot, but…i…told…them…i…wuz…a…lot…bettah….@...handing…out…water.”
i felt a lot bettah aftah talkin’ 2 shannon. i can c y u like 2 talk 2 her wen u have problems.
At 2:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
Have you ever seen this "Morrie" Saltzman? I more than suspect that he is, at best,a figment, and at worst, another corpse that will come a-bobbing up in the river once the spring thaw sets in.
Sgt. Royalson
At 6:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oy gevalt! These rumours of my passing, greatly exaggerated they are. I think I need to get out more. People are thinking that I don't exist!
Morrie Saltzman
At 6:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
zeremy, it's cube that shannon helped u feel better! i'm also glad shannon can c she doesn't just hafta find me upset w/becky 2 b able 2 help sum1 feel better.
sheilagh shaughnessy. huh. i don't even know what 2 say.
apes
At 8:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
April and friends, your brother likes to say that I tell him what to write, and I do. But since I'm part of his brain, my knowledge is limited by what Michael actually knows. This is a big problem when it comes to historical accuracy. I can't tell you how many times I've suggested he talk to your Grandpa Jim and your step-Grandma Iris, people who know the post-WWII era. Nope, he doesn't want them to influence his "muse." I suggest he check some reference materials, to avoid your basic anachronism. He actually gasped and called that "cheating."
And he'd lose track of the time frame he was writing in--the early 1940s to the early 1960s. Suddenly, you'd think we were in the 19th century, without cars or electricity. He got so attached to the idea of my family relying on horses for transport that he had to work in a dead car under a heap of snow, to justify ben the horse.
Shite, he's about to take control of his body again. I'll write again when I have the chance.
Sheilagh
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