April's Real Blog

Monday, December 04, 2006

Ned and the Bad Poker Punz

Mike called Mom 2 whine. Mom put him on "speaker" and I heard everything he sed. So, like, after recovering Ned (and I HOPE giving him a bleach-bath, but I dunno, he didn't say), Mike poked his hed thru the door dividing his 1/2 of the bldg from Weed's. And he was all, "Weed? Come down here 4 a moment! We've found NED!" And Weed was all, "U what?" Weed came down the stairs an' Mike, who was holding Weed and had Meredith standing with him, was like, "Ned was stuck in the plumbing between our place and the Kelpfroths' --We thot he was gone 4ever!" As Weed took Ned (Ew, he didn't even ask if he'd been disinfected?), Meredith was like, "I put him down the po-- didn't I Daddy!!" And Mike glared down at her. Then Weed sed, "U know what this means, Patterson..." Then he ran away and sed, "The Ned man is MINE! Our coveted university mascot is MINE!!" Mike was all, "Come back here, U weasel!!" And after Weed had run up the stairz, Mike and Merrie gazed up the staircase. And Mike went in 4 the pun: "Rats. I thot I won him with a full house, but I've lost him 2 a royal flush."

I hope Merrie sed, "Daddy, puns aren't funny," But Mike didn't say. Instead he started whining, "Mommmmeeeee! This is so unfair! I spent $400 2 have Neddie removed from the septic tank, so I shd get 2 keep him. Doncha think so? Doncha, doncha? Mommy?" And she whispered, "My God, I can't believe my Creature Teenangster is the most mature of my children at the moment." Mike was all, "What was that, Mommy? I cdn't make out what U were saying." She said, "Mike. It's a rubber doll. If U want another one so badly U can buy a new one 4 $11.00 Canadian from the Ned website. Even I know that, and I've barely made piece with 'the box.'" Mike was all, "But MOMMY, it's not the saaaaaaaame! Want that one!" Mom was like, "Mike, I don't have time 4 this. I'm a bizzy retiree. Put Meredith on the fone." Mike: "My daugher?" Mom: "U got any other Merediths there w/U?" Mike: "No." Mom: "OK, then." So then we hear, "Hi Gwamma!" And Mom was all, "Merrie, honey! Your Daddy. . . ." Merrie: "Who?" I whispered, "Say 'Attic Guy.'" Mom: "Attic Guy. Attic Guy needs a time out. Then a nap." Merrie was all, "OK, Gwamma!"

I can't believe the Ned stupids are starting again, can U? Gah! Dunc, I'm glad thingz R cube w/U an' Zandra again!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:52 AM  

8 Comments:

  • At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings talking about the conversation between your nindoozhimis (niece) and your nisayenh (brother) and your ngashi (mother) about this losing this Ned doll to his niijii (friend) Weed. I asked your sister what the fight over the Ned doll was about and she said, “Paul. My ugly nisayenh (brother) is so stupid about this doll, you are better off not knowing. She said if I really wanted to know, I could look at the website you pointed to. I looked at it, and I agree with my sweet girl. Every adult has something they abinoojiinyiwi (act like a child) about. I guess the Ned doll is that for your nisayenh (brother). Your sister said she thinks since the Ned doll reappeared, it is a sign that a lot of people she hasn’t seen in awhile are going to be appearing. She said when your nimishoo (uncle) Phil appeared, it was one of those signs. Then she said, “Paul. When I go to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), in addition to seeing you and Susan and Gary and Vivian and Marge and Jesse, I also want to see Phil Goulais, Perry and Laurie McLeod-Shabogesic and Mooner and Ellen/Alice and all the other kids in my class (whose names I don’t remember), and all the people who were at my spirit name ceremony (whom I had never met before that day), and all the persons who were at the pow-wow last year (whom I never saw again after that).” When I asked her why she wanted to see so many people, she said to me, “If my ugly nisayenh (brother) can bring back a stupid doll, then I can visit all my Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) friends.” It didn’t make much sense to me. I guess it is one of things people from the South like to do.

    When I asked my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) about it, she said, “Suds (her nickname for me), if Elizabeth wants to visit all those people at Christmastime, when you visit, I will happy to organize it. I want her visit to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to be a special one. I think if I plan it correctly, she will leave me a very nice gift under the Christmas tree.” That’s one of things I like about Chipper, is she is very organized and thinks of other people. I look forward to Christmas now, but I hope I actually get to see my sweet girl with all those people she plans to visit.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 1:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Seeing Ned Tanner again reminded me of the good old days in university rooming with Josef Weeder. I remember how we would chase after each other, trying to be the one who would get to play with Ned. But then we would calm down after a good romp around the room, and Mrs. Dingle told us to keep quiet. Weed would sit on my lap as I scanned the features of Ned. Weed would be motionless as we looked at Ned’s anatomically correctly anatomy. I remember Weed’s eyes were not focused on the anatomy as much as they were on the lines of Ned’s lithe body. He would run his index finger along the lines. He would say, “Ned is the connector to our university experience. " Weed would read so much into Ned. We would make up songs about Ned and sing them just as heartily as the school fight song. My love for Ned was as exciting for me as Weed’s love for Ned. The warmth of his tall, thin body fills my soul. Weed sat on my lap, but Ned was a part of me. The smell of Weed’s hair, the sound of Weed’s voice... "This is a doll we will always share, isn't it Patterson? Ned is for Michael and Josef, right?" "Maybe", I said as I breathed, heard and felt the magic that is our Ned.

    Those were good times and Ned brought them all back. Thanks, Ned.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Mom is being so unfair to call me more unmature than you, it's all because of this whole thing where she wants me to hurry up and marry Anthony, I wish she would shut up, even if I did want to marry Anthony (and I'm not saying I do, just if) then I sure wouldn't let her know it now, I'm not going to do something and make it look like I did it because my Mom and Dad want me to, that's really unmature, so no matter what now I am going to focus on Paul being the man in my life and that is why I am definitely going to Mtigwaki for Christmas, I mean after Christmas, even if I'm at odds with Mom and Dad there is no way I would give up a Milborough Christmas, they're just too special, but then I'm going up north to see some people including Paul, and that will show Mom and Dad that they can't just tell me who to marry and get away with it, but Mom is being so annoying, last night I heard her say to Mike on the phone, "I wish she would just grow up and marry Anthony already! Then I could stop thinking about her so much. With her being single, I have to worry about her all the time. A woman needs a man to be safe. Also, she needs a man to take over supporting her. She's 25 already. A husband is supposed to be doing that. Your dad and I are tired of shelling out for her rent, her food, her car payment, and all the stuff her little devil-beast destroys around here," and Mike said, "I thought Liz paid you some ungodly amount for rent," and Mom said, "I don't cash those checks, I frame them," and Mike said, "Well, cash them then," and Mom said, "I can't, I'm afraid to, have you seen how much Liz shops?" and Mike said, "I've only seen Liz a handful of times since my wedding and I've never been to any of her apartments," and Mom said, "Well, it's like she has a hoarding problem or something, even when she was in college, she always had way too much stuff. Do you remember me telling you the story of how Candace rented a house one year for her and Liz and some other girl, but she had to give Liz the biggest bedroom because of all her stuff?", and Mike said, "I try not to remember too much personal stuff about my family. My muse takes up a lot of room in my brain. My muse and Sheilaugh, that is," and Mom said, "Well, remember this: Liz can't make it on her own. She needs someone more responsible to financially support her," and then I jumped out from where I was eavesdropping and I yelled, "Mom, you aren't supposed to tell people you give me money, I don't like people to know that, I've been lying about it for years for a reason!" and Mom said, "I can say what I like in my own house," and I did the only thing a mature woman can do in that situation, I stormed off to my bedroom and slammed the door and threw myself onto my bed and beat up my Miss Pretty doll.

    Liz

     

  • At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i can always tell wen you’ve done a monthly letter cuz aftahwards u seem 2b all ovah duncan anderson. “duncan is a cool person. duncan haz got awesome manners. duncan never treats any of us girls like we're different from him. duncan can do just ‘bout anything. duncan is hitting the science route, like me. duncan & i are so totally connected. i totally blend w/duncan. duncan & i promised 2 know each other all of our lives.” if u say that kinda stuff in fronta eva abuya or zandra larson they r gonna think ur totally n2 duncan. i know wut u mean, & duncan prolly knowz wut u mean, but mebbe u shud not talk ‘bout how much u like duncan in fronta thoze girls.

    i evn heard ‘bout it frum zapata henderson 2day. she wuz chasin’ her bf eldritch down the hall of skool 2day sayin, “thass mine! give it back, u weasel. that belongz 2 me!!" he got away & she sed 2 me, “zeremy, is april patterson rilly n2 duncan anderson?” i sed, “no. she just gets in a mood ‘bout him once a month.” zapata sed, “oh. monthly cycle. i get it.” i sed, “wut wuz that ‘bout eldritch?” zapata sed, “he ran off w/my evanescence cd. sumtymez eldritch duzn’t have a healthy respect for women. i’ll get it back eventually.” i sed, “u can have mine, if u want.” zapata sed, “thanx, zeremy.” so i gave her my copy & she ran off waving it ‘round saying, “eldritch. zeremy has called you. ru gonna raise or fold?” i had no idea wut poker had 2 do w/an evanescence cd.

     

  • At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    4 the 1st time in a long time, i actually bothered 2 read 1 of "zeremy"'s lame posts. an' guess what? he's actually rite abt sumthing. apes, u r as obvious abt ur "secret" luv 4 dunc as mike is abt his "secret" luv 4 weed. u need 2 admit that u r massively in luv w/ dunc.

    neway, he is more rite 4 u then ger is. ger is a gr8 guy, but he is the sort of guy who would match better w/ a girl like me, cuz we r both super attractive an' not 2 interested in r studies. whereas u an' dunc r more average-looking an' r studious an' have dads who r super-obsessed w/ the choo-choos. well, i guess dunc's dad is supposed 2 b in recovery, but every1 knows an addict alwayz relapses. me an' ger have nutso home lives an' so we can understand each other, whereas u an' dunc have like super boring mboro parents. well, compared 2 me an' ger neway.

    i mean, just notice how u dump praise all ovah dunc 4 his great manners an' his healthy respect 4 women, an' nevah treats girls diff, but all u say is ger is "protective" of the girls. that actually duzn't sound 2 good after u praise dunc 4 nevah treating u like ur diff frum boyz. it's like saying ger is a sexist pig who alwayz treats u like a fragile little flower. which he like totally duz, but it duzn't sound like u like that 2 much. it sounds like u r trying super hard 2 find a compliment 4 ger cuz u realize a girl w/ a long term bf should not b crushing on another girl's bf.

    my point is, u should stop denying ur massive luv 4 dunc. he is so obviously ur soulmate. u know, apart frum the fact that ur mom will nevah let u marry sum1 who is a different race frum u. so mayb u should 4get it after all. esp since ur mom is the least of ur worries. when eva finds out u r in luv w/ her man, she is gonna wanna have a shootout at hi noon. sux 2 b u.

    becks

     

  • At 6:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, zeremy is rite. around the time the monthly letterz come out, i have the weirdest urge 2 say all these nice thingz abt dunc. kinda like thoze drunk peeps who are all, "i luv u man." xxcept just 2 dunc. don't worry, i'll normal out in a coupla dayz.

    paul, it's true. sum thingz r just way, way 2 stupid. sorry u hafta know abt that!

    liz, man, i gotta agree, it's not cube how mom is treating u when it comes 2 anthony.

    so mike, u, like, totally luv weed, eh? does dee have ne idea how much u luv weed? does carleen?

    apes

     

  • At 9:27 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    I always feel weird @ the end of evry month xcept when I feel weird I 4get how crazee Evah is. But next month shld b cube cos Im not going 2 b here. We r going 2 Barbados for the Xmas skool holidays. My mom rilly does have a resto, its just outside of Bridgetown & its called Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's. Perdita & Alaistair have quit their jobs 2 manage it. Perdita says I can play w/ the house band every nite while Im visiting. This Xmas shld b gr8!

    L8r.

    p.s. I was thinking abt the poop doll & theres sumthing I dont understand. How cld the poop doll block Mikeys toilet w/o blocking the Kelpfroths toilet 2, esp since it was flushed down the Kelpfroths toilet? I asked Charles Wallace but he doesnt get it either.

     

  • At 9:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, yr holiday planz sound v. cube!

    i dunno abt the poop doll an' the clog. sum ppl have a theory that the stinky thing cda been in a position that let all the yucko gunk get thru, and that it was dislodged sumhow on the nite when robin flushed the sox. i guess that theory's as gd as ne, eh?

    apes

     

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