Gah, I'm a friggin' Patterson!
Liz decided 2 organize a family meeting. Mom, Dad, and Liz were sitting @ the kitchen table (which suddenly looked HUGE) having tea, and I had a can of pop. Liz was all, "I have organized this family mtg so that we can openly discuss sum serious concerns in regardz 2 our living arrangements. As U know, April and I are now sharing the upstairz... Which has resulted in a series of, let us say, misunderstandings... And a number of problems need 2 B ironed out." Dad was, like, "So, what wd U like from us? Discipline?!" Liz was all, "No! I want U 2 act as a sounding bd. Mom kinda leapt from her chair as Dad rose from his, and Mom sed, "Sorry. U 2 R both old enuf 2 work this out on yr own." Then after Mom and Dad had both left, Liz and I stood up, and I sed. Oh, God, I don't even want 2 tell U what I sed, cuz I PUNNED. Like a stinkin' Patterson. And I have a feeling that when I was punning, I also looked abt 12 yrs old. I've been looking really yung this wk, I wonder if this has sumthing 2 do with the "age freeze" that's supposta happen sumtyme next yr, @ least on my mom's web page. Oh, back 2 what I sed. I was, like, "Well, they did what U wanted, Liz.... They sounded bored." C, "sounding board" and "sounded bored." Gah, I h8 myself when I do that Patterson punning garbage. Yuck.
Howard, I'm sorry I spilled the beanz abt my Dad having hit on yr auntie, Winnie Kelpfroth, @ the grocery store. When U sed, "Don't tell NE1," U kinda winked @ me, so I thot U were joking abt the not telling. But now that I think of it, U were eating a grapefruit @ the time, so maybe U'd squirted yrself in the eye?
Apes
Howard, I'm sorry I spilled the beanz abt my Dad having hit on yr auntie, Winnie Kelpfroth, @ the grocery store. When U sed, "Don't tell NE1," U kinda winked @ me, so I thot U were joking abt the not telling. But now that I think of it, U were eating a grapefruit @ the time, so maybe U'd squirted yrself in the eye?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:52 AM
8 Comments:
At 9:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I think the Lizardbreath has gone crazy. Pattersons talking to each other to resolve problems? Does she think mom can give up her pattern of screaming to resolve problems? It would be completely against her nature, and her rapid exit from Liz’s family meeting is proof of that. As I see it, the real problem is two things:
1. You don’t do what Elizabeth tells you to do. Good for you. Liz has made a lot of bad decisions (re: career, romance) in her life you would not want to repeat.
2. When Elizabeth beats you up to make you do what she wants you to do, it doesn’t work like it used to.
There was a time when a punch from the Lizardbreath (or a breath too) was a thing to be feared. I think her efforts to woo Mr. Anthony Caine have softened her. Maybe she is brushing her teeth more regularly, or using a mouthwash, or breath mints, or eating food with less garlic. Anthony was married to a Quebecoise woman, and although they are known for having body odor problems, I can’t imagine any of them matching Liz on the scale for bad breath.
I remember when I used to fight with her, her punch might knock you down, but her breath would keep you down. Without this most potent of weapons, you might not take her commands as seriously as you have before. With the family meeting, what Liz is looking for is added muscle in the form of mom and dad to help her to enforce her demands upon you. So, that tells me, her breath must be better, or she wouldn’t need mom and dad. Instead what she got was mom and dad throwing her to the lions/lines of the April punning machine. I know you claim you don’t like punning, but “sounded bored” to “sounding board” is not too bad. It takes something Liz said, and with words pretty close to the same words as hers, and a meaning very close to the reaction mom and dad had. Although technically, it didn’t sound like mom was bored so much as exasperated, but what can you do with that. “Sounded exas-boarded?” Your pun is pretty good and you should take some pride in it. Knowing the Lizardbreath, she wouldn’t be smart enough to have any comeback to a good pun, so you win. Enjoy it. I always enjoyed my victories over Liz. You should too, little sis.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about the family meeting my sweet girl called with you and your ngashi (mother) and your noos (father). It brought back many fond memories of the times I would visit your sister in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and she would call a family meeting with her and her cat, Shiimsa, and me. Your writings sounded very similar to then. I remember your sister saying, “I have organized this family meeting so that we can openly discuss some serious concerns in regards to our feeding arrangements. As you know, Shiimsa and I are now looking forward to your visits, Paul… which has resulted in a series of, let me say, misunderstandings…and a number of problems need to be ironed out.” Then Shiimsa would meow something at her and she would say, “Oh, all right, Shiimsa. We know you are unhappy with the quality of fresh fish Paul has been bringing as gifts to you.” This was usually the topic of discussion at our family meetings. I would pledge to bring better fish, and Shiimsa would pledge not to scratch me as much. I loved the family meetings, because it allowed everyone to say their feelings. It was a lot like an Ojibway Maada`ookii Waawiyeyaa (Sharing Circle). It think this is where your sister got the idea for a family meeting. It may seem strange to you, but what Elizabeth is really trying to do is take her experiences in the Northwest and share them with you. It’s too bad your ngashi (mother) did not want to join. She is a fine woman and the family meeting could have used her wisdom. I will be there at Christmas, and I look forward to sharing some of my culture with you. We could also do a Maada`ookii Waawiyeyaa (Sharing Circle). I think your ngashi (mother) will take the Maada`ookii Waawiyeyaa (Sharing Circle) more seriously if I am there.
My own noos (father) and ngashi (mother) came from White River to Otter County to help me with a yard sale. Whenever you move, it is a good time to get rid of things you don’t really need. I have had my apartment to myself for a long time, and I know when Elizabeth and I get an apartment together, I have to have room for her things. My ngashi (mother) says she wants to have a Maada`ookii Waawiyeyaa (Sharing Circle) with all three of us sometime today, but my noos (father) says they are actually planning to beat some sense into me about my move. My noos (father) has a great sense of humour. When Elizabeth and I get married, you will get to meet him and my ngashi (mother). We have managed to sell a lot of great things. I didn’t really want to sell some of them, like my snow machine for example. But what use is a snow machine in the South, eh? I hope your weekend is going well, and you and your sister have a Maada`ookii Waawiyeyaa (Sharing Circle), even if your ningitiziim (parents) do not participate. You should enjoy your time living with your sister, because I will be there in January, and I think your sister will want to live with me instead of at her ningitiziim (parents') house.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:05 AM,
April Patterson said…
well, mike, i guess i'm torn. winning against liz is good. but i still think the patterson punning is bad. i think i'd like 2 find new wayz 2 win.
paul, i m so psyched abt u moving 2 this area. it's gonna b so cube!
apes
At 11:52 AM,
April Patterson said…
my dad is out doing xmas shopping. i have a feeling i'm gonna b tellin' u all more abt this in 2morrow's blog entry, yo.
apes
At 3:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You want to find new ways to win against the Lizardbreath? I suppose that would be good for a long term effort. After all, picking on Liz after she is married to Anthony Caine and taking care of his 1/2 Quebecoise child and pregnant with her own little Caine-let, might seem a little cruel. Until that time comes, and Liz still has the physical advantage over you, I would stick with your strong suit of punning.
I noticed mom had her webmaster take a break from filing or threatening lawsuits against people to update her web page again with new pictures of us, instead of that bizarre animation she used to have. I was amazed by a few things: One, was that Elizabeth would let mom use a picture of her where she looked that bad. Two, was that both Grandpa Jim and Dad's pictures have them with one of their hands in their pockets and some rather obvious wrinkles in a certain area of their pants. Three, was that my lovely Deanna looked very nice, as she always does. Four, is that I have no idea whatsoever about what you are doing in your picture. Is it the hokey-pokey?
Deanna has left the menagerie in my care today, while she is off Christmas shopping with Carleen. I think Carleen is Hanukkah shopping, no doubt buying collectible dreidles. When I think back to how things could have been with Rhetta Blum, I realize how narrowly I missed being married to a Hanukkah shopper. Thank goodness, Deanna had her car accident when she did.
Carleen has filled a void with Deanna lately, when she spent a little time assessing how many friends she still has (all that "couples with kids and without kids" material which permeated and saturated both our monthly letters for December), and realized she didn't have any aside from Carleen. She used to spend time with Maxine Hebert, but we haven't heard anything from her in years. And Deanna's sister Andrea promised to visit several times, but it never happened, and I suppose the reason is because she and Deanna have never mended those bridges which were broken so many years ago between them. Our children are 2 and 4, and Andrea has never met them, and we haven't seen her or her children since we had our fake wedding back in 2001. When I think about it, we are quite fortunate Carleen decided to make a go of things with Weed, otherwise Deanna would be entirely friendless. Just another reason, I am happy to have Josef living so close.
This something for you to think about when you get older and are married to Gerald. Be sure to have another couple around so your spouse can have a friend.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
i dunno what i'm supposta b doing in that new pic of me on the website. it's like totally faked, i never did whatev dance that is. i guess it's better than the old bubblegum-blowing animation of me in grade six, but i wish they'd used a pic of me with my hair down, like from gym jam. that liz pic i recognize from the glamour shot mom used 2 lure paul in2 wanting 2 meet liz, but it loox like sum1 drew the body part on, cuz i've only ever c'n that pic as, like, a headshot.
apes
At 6:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
zeremy, thanx 2 a recommendation from zapata's dad, skitch henderson, i did an xmas partee last nite @anne & steve nichols' place. anne did the food & it wuz gr8 (evn tho i know howard bunt h8s her food). i saw ur mom & ur dad there & i asked where u were cuz there were a lotta othah kids our age there. ur mom sed sumthin' 'bout how u & ur sis were staying home 2 work something out on ur own. frum ur blog entry 2day, i guess it had sumthin' 2 do w/ur sis' privacy issues. neway, i wuz sad u weren't there, & i cud tell ur bf, gerald wuz sad 2. he kinda sat n a corner & only moved wen his bro punched him in the stomach. gerald wuz there cuz his 'rents "Dr. Aloysius Delaney-Forsythe and wife Melanie" were there. gerald's aunt lavinia wuz there 2, if u remembah her frum wen ur band practiced ovah @gerald's place. naturally, ur mom's bff connie poirier & her husband greg thomas were there. duncan anderson & zandra larson were there along w/their 'rents "Dr. Emily Larson & husband Don" & "Dr. Miranda Anderson & husband Dean". luis guzmán, frum ur band wuz there 2.
lemme c if i can remembah all the good stuff that happed. ur dad wuz rilly flirtin' w/connie poirier & melanie forsythe-delaney, & sayin' weird stuff 'bout how beautiful they were b-ing skinny & wrinkly, only connie cud b a little skinnier & melanie cud b a little wrinklier. gerald's dad kinda stepped in & he & ur dad had a long convo 'bout the psychosexual ramifications of preferrin' skinny, wrinkly women. but aftah awhile ur dad got bored & found sum othah skinny, wrinkly women @the party & wuz askin' them if they wunted sum "discipline." it wuz weird. gerald's aunt lavinia, who iz a marriage & family counselor gave ur mom her card.
wut else? let's c. duncan & zandra were gettin' along pretty good till duncan's dad talked 'bout how hiz fam is gonna b in barbados 4 the xmas skool holidays & how duncan iz gonna spend his tyme playin' w/the house band every nite @his mom's resto, Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's. zandra asked duncan's dad if there were ne redd hott bajan mammas who went 2 this resto, & duncan's dad sed sumthin' 'bout how the place wuz packed w/them every nite & duncan wuz gonna have his handz full. i think duncan's dad meant "handz full playin' w/the house band", but it's hard 2 tell w/duncan'z dad. zandra wuz n a pretty bad mood aftah that, i mean worse than usual. i kinda got the impression she wunts 2 go 2 barbados, but her 'rents don't want her 2 go. duncan hadda lotta song requests aftah that 2 kinda help him get zandra in a bettah mood. i tried 2 put them in az well az i cud, but 4 xmas partees, most peeps r not n2 songs 'bout death & depression. they usually save thoze 4 easter. i did ask zandra how she got outa helpin' her uncle arne do karaoke @the 3 kronen, & she sed her bro wuz dressed az a short man 2 get past age restrictions & wuz helpin' him. this prolly explains y there wuz stuff n the news 'bout xxplosions @the 3 kronen, but who knowz 4 sure.
eva abuya & her 'rents were there @the party 2. they got there b4 duncan & zandra got there, so there wuz no trub. 'bout 30 minutes n2 the partee, her dad got sum fone call & all 3 of them left. eva & i r still not talkin' but i overheard sumthin' 'bout rescuing peeps. i guess her 'rents must b on sum kinda volunteer rescue team.
ur mom wuz bizzy talkin' 2 connie poirier & anne nichols mosta the evenin'. she mentioned how her community theatre fundraiser had raised more money than any othah fundraiser they had b4 & she also pulled over luis guzmán & anne nichols' niece, karen, who played in the orchestra frum when they did Cats. she made a big speech & sed, "i must say i'm v.v. fond of our amateur theatre. the 'dreamweavers' r high skool age, but they have tackled sum v.v. sophisticated stuff. their last performance wuz Cats & i think every child in town had a part 2 play - sumwhere! i wunt 2 let every1 here know their next production is not gonna b oh! calcutta! az i had previously announced. it turnz out that show haz nothin' 2 w/mother teresa & pirates. since my fundraiser made so much money, the theatre group let me choose their next production & i must admit it wuz a difficult decision 2 make, since there r so many theatrical productions based off the lives of my personal friends. i could've picked l'il abner or annie or superman, but i decided go w/my personal favrite ur a good man, charlie brown." the crowd cheered her & i think she wuz feelin' pretty good 2b the center of attention.
wut else happed? luis guzmán wuz all ovah the place, almost az bad az ur dad, xxcept he prefers younger girls w/no wrinkles. he asked me a couple of timez 'bout my relationship w/rebeccah, & i told him rebeccah & i hadn't talked since i wuz fired by her dad cuz of the gym jam. he sed, "this chico is always there 2 back the rest of his band if sum1's giving us trouble @skool. u weren't there 2 back up rebeccah. thass y she went down." i have kinda gotten usedta this talk @skool, evn frum peeps like luis, who were there & saw me there. i sed, "yeah. ur rite, luis. y don't u go & dance w/sum1." & he did. he wuz dancin' w/a lotta diffrent girls & havin' a rilly good tyme.
then i heard this voice b-side me. it wuz annie nichols' niece karen. she sed, "did i hear that rite? ur the same guy who messed up the sound 4 rebeccah @the gym jam?" i sed, "thass me. the guy who destroyed the gym jam." she sed, "y wud my aunt hire u? every1 knowz ur were off doin' drugz or sumthin' wen the gym jam wuz goin' on & thass y u missed." i sed, "i got a gud recommendation frum zapata henderson's dad aftah i did a couple of parties @hiz place." she sed, "so he just ignored the drug thing?" i sed, "just ignored it." she sed, "thass crayzee. i'm gonna make sure my aunt knowz 'bout u." i sed, "go ahead."
then she went 2 anne nichols & hadda long talk w/her & they came back. anne nichols sed, "ru usin' drugz jeremy jones?" i sed, "no. i've nevah used them & i nevah will." then her niece wuz goin' thru my sound equipment & she sed, "nothin' here. he must have sum in his pockets." i sed, "is it tyme 2 turn my pockets out? i get personal searches & locker searches every day @skool. i'm usedta it." anne nichols sed, "no. thass not necessary. i trust skitch henderson wouldn't recommend u, if u were trubble." but her niece sed, "make him turn out his pockets." so i turned them out. anne sed, "sorry 'bout that jeremy. karen iz v.v. anti-drug." i sed, "no prob. i'm usedta it @skool." i sed 2 karen, "ne more requests? musical requests wud b preferred." she looked rilly mad & kinda stomped off.
unlike the henderson's party, this 1 didn't last all nite long. az i wuz packin' up my stuff n2 the back of mom'z truck i saw karen talkin' 2 my mom. then mom came ovah 2 me & sed, "u needta talk 2 her." i sed, "u gotta b kiddin' me mom." mom sed, "no jeremy. i'll w8." so, i went 2 talk 2 karen. it turns out the men in her fam, like her uncle steve & her own dad r kinda unreliable az u know, @least w/steve nichols neway. she sed, "peeps in mboro don't call the man on nethin'. dr. patterson iz ovah there chasin' aftah skinny, wrinkly women. wen i asked elly patterson 'bout steady, reliable men, she started talkin' 'bout wut a gr8 guy anthony caine is & every1 knowz he wuz cheatin' on his wife w/elizabeth patterson. then there's my dad & my uncle steve & my d8 2nite." i sed, "ur d8. u wuz ur d8?" karen sed, "luis guzmán." i kinda laffed & sed, "luis? no1 knows nething 'bout luis, xxcept he iz latino. so u figgered i wuzn't reliable cuz i didn't show 2 do the sound 4 rebeccah?" karen sed, "yes. i went ovah 2 ur mom 2 tell her i thot u were doin' drugz. she sed 'jeremy will nevah do drugz, evah, cuz of his dad.'" i sed, "so u believe my mom." & she sed, "mebbe. she seemed rilly sure. ru a nice guy, jeremy?" i sed, "no. but i am honest." karen sed, "lemme test u. wud u say ur attractive?" i sed, "no. i look like a 40-year-old man." karen laffed & sed, "thass funny. sorry. i made trubble 4u." i sed, "no prob. i'm usedta it. just make sure ur aunt gives me a good recommendation." karen sed, "no prob."
all in all, it wuz a pretty good evenin'. i made sum money & there iz 1 more person n skool u duzn't think i am a drug addict.
At 7:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, man, zeremy, i m so bummed i missed that party. it's like every1 was there! liz told me we'd b able 2 go, but we'd just b a bit l8. she had all theze notes from a "conflict resolution" unit she had in 1 of her classez in uni, an' she was like "we have 2 discuss and process our differences." and she went on and on for hrs, babbling all kindsa nonsense, reading fr. her notes, an' u cd tell she had trub reading her own handwriting, so when she guessed she'd end up w/, like, gibberish. she'd say stuff like "these skiffs are prowen mays to desolve conflict and deate cesspool human stationshifts where everyone mins. this conflict desolution techrique is emborsed by many psychologicals, comsellors, dictators, busy-mess mangers, and teachums." and then she'd, like, re-read it 2 try 2 figure out what she meant. omg, zeremy, this went on 4 hrs an' hrs, so of course by the time she finally gave up, the party was over. totally wasted nite!
apes
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