April's Real Blog

Friday, December 08, 2006

I'm not mature, but neither is Liz

So after I'd regained consciousness following Liz's pillow-thwack she gave me 4 eavesdropping, Liz came along all, "April, U cannot listen in on my personal fone callz!" And I was, like, "But yr door was open, Elizabeth! If U want so much privacy, U shd close the door!" And Liz was all, "And U shd have the courtesy 2 give me sum privacy, even if the door IS open!" Hmmm, this kinda remindz me of how Liz never managed 2 learn 2 close her drapes in Mtig, eh? NEway, I stuck out my tung an' did a "PFBLLTT!" Liz crossed her arms over her chest and sed, "Well, THAT was mature!" And I got in2 the same body position, and imitated her voice, but making one little change: "Well, THAT was manure!" And Liz squeezed her eyez shut and shouted, "DAD!!" in a way that it sounded like the word "Dad" was wiggling. And Dad yelled, "I'm off duty! Fix it yrself!"

NEhoodles, I know me having a tiff w/Liz isn't the most xxciting thing 2 tell U abt, but @ least it's not Mike's toilet or his lessons abt what goez in it, eh? Or poopy Ned.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:37 AM  

15 Comments:

  • At 9:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    "Well, THAT was manure!" Good one, dude! EHEHEHEH!

    Beavis

     

  • At 9:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Yeah. Good one. Hey, Beavis. You fartknocker. April is a chick, not a dude.

    Butt-head

     

  • At 9:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Butt-head,

    Are you sure, dude? April has long hair, but her face is kind of like a dude’s. But if she was a chick she wouldn’t talk to me. Chicks don’t wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how’s it goin?’ heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!

    Beavis

     

  • At 9:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Beavis,

    Let me try, dude. Hey, April! Check out Beavis’ and my beards. We're smooth.

    Butt-head

     

  • At 9:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Butt-head,

    That sucked. She’s not talking back.

    Beavis

     

  • At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Beavis

    Yeah. She must be a chick. At least she didn't slap you.

    Butt-head

     

  • At 9:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Butt-head

    Yeah, hehe.

    Beavis

     

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    She's just thinking about what to say to me, so I know she wants me. I totally scored.

    Who's hotter, Beavis--April or Daria?

    Butt-head

     

  • At 11:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Butt-head,

    April has manure, but Daria has diarrhea. Daria Diarrhea, cha cha cha! Daria Diarrhea, cha cha cha!

    Beavis

     

  • At 12:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i dunno wut it is w/ur sis thinkin’ peeps can’t walk n2 her room wen she has the door open. my mom walks n2 my room evn wen i have my door closed & locked. & ur dad b-ing off duty iz funny. wen is he on-duty, eh?

    i saw ur dad yestahday in the grocery store. i hadda do the shopping 4 the week & he wuz ovah in the condiments section. wen a woman walked by he wud say, “2 young & 2 fat.” or “old enuff, but not skinny enuff.” then this tall, skinny, oldah lady came thru & ur dad was like, “xxcuse me miss. what are the ingredients for the dressing inside the turkey? how much of each of them should i get?” she looked @him kinda strange & sed, “u shud prolly go 2 the aisle w/the refrigerated meat.” then he sed, “wut do u think ‘bout dips?” the lady sed, “wut? we’re in the condiments aisle. u shud prolly go 2 the aisle with the refrigerated creams and cheeses 4 a dip.” then ur dad sed, “have u seen the next year's stihl chainsaw calendar?” & he pulls one outa sumwhere & shows it 2 the lady, & sez, “the girls they have in the calendar now have skin that is just too smooth. i think they have shud have sum w/a few wrinkles just 2 show their maturity, u know, like the wrinkles u have.” then the lady started 2 back away frum ur dad & started 2 go aftah her.

    i stepped n fronta ur dad & sed, “dr. p wut r u doing? u have a wife & kids.” ur dad sed, “oh, jeremy, it’s u. sorry, but i’m off duty frum being a dad or a husband.” i sed, “u can’t go off-duty.” ur dad sed, “yes i can. now jeremy get outa the way between me & that hott, skinny, wrinkly lady.” i sed, “dr. p. thass mrs. robertson. she’z skinny cuz she haz been havin’ cancer treatments.” dr. p sed, “i remember her now. she used 2b big & robust. she’z a lot bettah lookin’ now.” i sed, “but dr. p, wen she gets healthier, she’ll put the weight back on.” ur dad sed, “ur rite jeremy. i bettah leave the sick 1s alone. it takes me outa the holiday mood 4 sure! i rarely get upset, but watching this process of getting’ sick & then getting’ healthy again just makes my blood boil. they shud get the disease, make a decision ‘bout whether they r gonna live or die, & move on! it seems like it is a theatrical event where every1 gets 2 show off how skinny they can b, just cuz they’re sick.” neway, az u can tell, it tuk awhile 2 convince ur dad chasing aftah girls in the grocery store wuz not the best idea.

     

  • At 1:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Your Blog entry today really takes me back. The Lizardbreath and I used to have some great fights. We don't fight any more now. There's no resentment or competition or jealousy - (and I miss it in a way - we used to have some terrific battles!) Mom thought we'd never stop fighting, but we did! I guess that's another gift for Mom at Christmas!

    I see you used my standard tactic of reason and verbal wit to assault Liz. She prefers violence, which is her strong suit in fighting. When it comes to reason and verbal wit, attacking her is like attacking an unarmed woman. No doubt this is the reason she immediately called on Dad, and his punning power to help her. She knew you were going to win. After all, she knows enough about mom and dad to know if she leaves the door open, that’s an invitation to enter the room, no matter how much she may complain about it.

    I have the same problem in my attic work space. I found my daughter there the other day looking over my novel about Sheilagh Shaugnessy. She said, “Daddy. The mommy leaves the daddy to die in the snow. Is the mommy the villain?” I said, “What are you doing reading my novel? It’s not completed yet. And the mommy is not the villain. The mommy is the hero.” Then my daughter said, “She must be an anti-hero, like your stinky Ned doll.” I said, “Yes. Now go back downstairs and play and respect daddy’s privacy.” Then my daughter said, “Don’t worry daddy. If you were hurt in the snow, I would to tell mommy to help you.” I hate it when people invade my privacy, but when you’re a Patterson it happens all the time. Liz should know that by now.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 1:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your fight with your sister and how she called on her noos (father) for help. It reminded me of when I was a young teenager and I got into fights with my niitaawis (cousins). I even had some fights like that with Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, when we were on the pow-wow trail together a long time ago. One of the foundations of the Ojibway is that our people want to belong to our society, and want to be admired by others. When a person behaves in socially unacceptable ways, my noos (father) or my ngashi (mother) would casually mention another person, either legendary or historical, who has behaved in a similar way, and a description of the consequences. If the fighting continues, then that person will be teased and ridiculed for their behavior. In the Ojibway society, this is a very effective form of discipline. It also gives a person a chance to learn without being shamed. I was teased and ridiculed many times when I was little.

    If I were there with you and my sweet girl, I would tell the story about the battle fought at Pelican Lake between the Sioux and the Ojibway in the 1700’s. For many years the Sioux of the Western Plains had trekked to Lake Superior to attack the Ojibway and take the furs used by the Ojibway. One small band of Ojibway on seeing the approach of the Sioux at Lake Superior, did not wait for them to arrive. The only hope that the Ojibway had was to out run the Sioux and make to the land of the Assiniboines on the prairies. The problem was the Ojibway lacked the speedy canoes, the fighting braves and the well trained women of the Sioux bands.
    The Ojibway finally reached the high peak of land on Pelican Lake and camped there. A council was called. The Council held a quick meeting and decided that the only strategy for survival was an ambush. The cliffs behind the camp would provide an excellent place for the Ojibway archers to hide and to rain their arrows down on the Sioux. Large fires where rekindled to create the atmosphere of great activity around the teepees. Then the young warriors armed with bows and arrows retreated in a semi-circle up the side of the mountain lookout. Only the old men remained. So confident where the Sioux of victory, that they bought their women along with them to claim the loot and look after their personal needs. The invaders leaped ashore screaming their war cries. The Sioux women remained in their canoes, being completely capable of warding off any surprise attack by water if necessary. Contemptuously, the Sioux warriors dashed past the old men on the beach, and rushed the campsite. Immediately the elderly men went into action. They overturned the Sioux canoes and drowned the fighting women. At precisely the same time the Ojibway warriors descended from the hills around and encircled their old enemy and there was a great slaughter.

    I would tell this story to you and your sister so you could learn the lesson of the fighting Sioux women and avoid having your boat overturned by the elder man (your noos (father)) and drowning. I know it doesn’t fit your situation exactly. That’s a problem with Ojibway legends, sometimes.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 6:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 trying w/that ojibway legend, paul. it was still an interesting story.

    zeremy, omg, my dad is such a freak! btw, there's a rumour that he hit on winnie kelpfroth when she was shopping for sum treats 4 howard.

    mike, u must b proud that merrie reads so well already!

    apes

     

  • At 6:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I asked Deanna what you were talking about with my daughter's reading level. She said that my daughter was measured to read on a grade 8 level (which either means she is a good reader, or the measuring method is all messed up, or both), and she is at the 150th percentile for her height, which means she has the body of a 6-year-old. I know sometimes when I look at her, I could swear I was looking at a blonde version of the Lizardbreath, except without the disgustingly bad breath of course.

    And to answer your question, I am proud of my daughter and both my children for showing such excellent progress. When I think back to how long it took you to get past your button-nosed stage, I am quite grateful my children seemed to have zipped right past it. Actually my son occasionally regresses to a button-nose, but he is only 2 after all. At least that's what Deanna tells me.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:15 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    there's a rumour that he hit on winnie kelpfroth when she was shopping for sum treats 4 howard.

    You're telling this to other people? I thought I told you to keep it a secret. My aunt Winnie’s favourite shirt ruined from being pulled on, and the dip stain which won’t come off. Horrible.

    My aunt Winnie is still dealing with it. She seems fine, but some small thing can set her off. She's easily spooked and she has been crabby a lot. My aunt said that we all have a quiet voice at the back of our heads that says "Run! Here comes a Patterson!" and that many of us ignore it because we've conditioned by many good years of having Pattersons in our daily lives. We all have to be careful to make sure that my aunt hears us if we walk up behind her and make non-Pattersonlike noises, like “That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing.” Or “I like Quebecois.” Or things like that. If I ever introduce you to my aunt Winnie again, you may want to go by a different last name. Of course this is only how my aunt is this month. Next month, she should be back to normal as if nothing ever happened.

    Howard Bunt

     

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