April's Real Blog

Thursday, December 07, 2006

My head hurts!

Well, sumtymez I do stuff that helps xxplain Y there R peeps who still think I'm twelve! Like Liz was sittin' on her bed, talking on the fone w/Paul, all "Hello, Paul? I've been trying 2 call U! What's happening w/yr transfer?" I was standing in the doorway listening 4 that part, and then I crept in2 the room and sprawled on the bed, behind and 2 the rite of Liz, lying on my belly and using my forearms and hands to prop my hed. Liz was gripping one corner of her pillow w/her left hand, which shda been a warning 2 me that the ultra-violence mite B on its way if I did sumthing Liz didn't like. But I was 2 drawn in 2 eavesdropping 2 think str8. Liz went, "Really? January?!! Can U come here 4 Xmas?... Then... I'll C U B4 New Yr's" Then she was all, "I luv U. Kisses and hugz. Uh-huh, more kisses (giggle) more hugz ... and more kisses..." Just then, I put my face rite behind Liz's head and went, "Smoochy-smoochy!" Liz gave me a big WHAP! 2 the had w/that pillow she'd been gripping, making me rise 1/2way in2 the air, and then knocking me on2 my back, so's I lost consciousness. Liz sez I was lying there like a ded bug, with my feet in the air, when she continued her convo w/"And more hugz."

She posted a bit about all this in a comment here last nite:
April,

I shouldn't even talk to you, you're such a nosy brat, but since the world will want to know about what I'm doing, I have to put a post on your stupid blog, well, Paul is finally going to be the man in my life who is there for me, only now he is going to be here for me, because he is finally getting his transfer, it only took me months of nagging him, but it's finally happening, I'm so excited, I just know that Paul getting his transfer is going to lead me on the path to marriage, finally, I just know this event is going to cause me to finally get a husband somehow.

Well I decided there's no way I'm going up north to Mtigwaki for Christmas or New Year's, it is a horrible fate to be deprived of a Milborough New Year's Eve party, even though the one last year wasn't so great the ones from the years before that were fantastic, you always see all the most wonderful dearest people to you in the whole world and just that one night a year so missing it is a bad thing, besides, now that Paul is going to be living in the South I won't be needing to go up North anymore hardly ever, which is good because that long drive is really a big pain in the butt, that's what Mom says, but I'm not sure if she means in the real butt or the butt that isn't real but just means you hate doing something, anyway, Mom is always right.

You know after I hung up with Paul Mom and I had a big talk and she said she was so proud of me because I learned one of her biggest lessons of womanhood which is that whatever the woman wants is right, and she just says how she wants people to act and then her husband and kids (or boyfriend) has to do it, like when Mom made us go vegetarian awhile back, she said, "You did it! You told your boyfriend that he was going to move to Milborough with you, and he is doing it!" and I was so happy but also confused and I said, "But I thought you hated Paul and want me to break up with him for Anthony," and Mom said, "Oh, I'm not worried. When I went vegetarian, one screw up by your father was enough to make me realize I didn't really care about healthy eating anymore. Paul will get here and mess up somehow, like the imperfect non-Milborough, non-husband material he is. Then you will change your mind about him and realize you are meant to be with Anthony. Believe me, a mother knows. It will all unfold as I say," and I said, "But Mom, what if I don't do what you want?" and Mom said, "It's not about what I want, it's about what fate has decreed. Fate wants you with Anthony. You'll accept that someday. But your work with Paul is good practice for you. By the time you marry Anthony, you will have wifely control down pat," then Mom patted me on the head and left.

Well later I heard Mom in the sewing room and I smelled popcorn and I wanted some so I went to go in there but I stopped in the door because I saw Mom had a little doll in her hands, the doll was in a Mountie uniform and he had all these pins and things coming out of him, stuck in his chest and his naughty boy place, and I said, "Mom, what's up with the doll?" and Mom said, "I'm making a present for your nephew," and so I said, "You really put the grand in grandma," and then I went to see if you had woken up from your coma yet.

Liz
Yeow, my head still hurts. Sorry I spied, Liz, but I think U overreacted. Oh, and I think we shd get that little mountie doll away fr. Mom. Soundz like voodoo. If she's gonna play that way, I'm making an Anthony doll in the home-ec room @ school! That'll show her!!!

Apes

6 Comments:

  • At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I suppose that little adventure will teach you to never underestimate the violent tendencies of the Lizardbreath. I would like to say that 2 years in the frozen Northwest hardened her fighting spirit, but as you well know, Liz has been a little violent for years now. I think years of having food or coffee cups thrown at her by mom or seeing them thrown at dad, who was the most frequent target, caused Liz to think violence was an acceptable form of behaviour. Mom and Liz may say that it’s because whatever the woman wants is right, but at least part of it is that the woman can be violent and not expect any retribution for it.

    Naturally, I am not of the same belief. I saw what years of taking shots to the head with flying kitchen implements has done to dad’s ability to think clearly. I have no desire to repeat the same and when conflict does occur, I take the high road as an example to my children. When you have an enemy, write an article in a newspaper to publicly humiliate them or get your elderly, ethnic, landlady to step in to do battle for you. My lovely wife Deanna, has never hurled anything at my head (aside from a positive pregnancy test of course). And since mom and the Lizardbreath rarely come to visit and influence my children, I hope the pattern of violence for Pattersons has been broken starting with them.

    Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t go “smoochy-smoochy” to Lizardbreath, unless you are willing to pay the consequences. That goes for sisters and boyfriends.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 9:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, a similar kinda thing happed @skool. i wuz in the hall & i heard all this yelling. wen i went 2 look, it wuz zapata henderson & her bf eldritch havin’ a fite. then outa nowhere, zapata pulls out a frying pan & knocks him out cold on his back w/a little gassy air squiggle above his body. this teacher saw it & sed, “way 2 go zapata!” i sed 2 the teach, “she just attacked him w/the fryin’ pan. isn’t she in trouble 4 that?” the teacher sed, “oh no. girl violence duzn’t count. in mboro, girls r so weak & demure, they can’t ever do nething which wud b considered violent or harmful.” i sed, “so u mean a guy could b put on trial 4 sexual assault 4 pulling on a girl’s shirt, but a girl cud hit sum1 & there’s no problem.” the teacher sed, “xxactly.”

    then a whole lotta stuff started 2 make sense. remembah how ur mom didn’t take u seriously wen kortney krelbutz threatened 2 make u lose sum teeth. it wuz cuz girl violence duzn’t count. or remembah how u told me once that ur sis beat up her old university bf wen she broke up w/him. girl violence again. or all thoze othah tymez wen ur sis beat up on u. every1 wuz girl violence. i kinda remembah ur sis usedta chase ur bro ‘round ur house 2 beat up on him 2. it all makes sense now. thass y ur sis knocked u cold & ur not evn mad ‘bout it.

    4 me, it’s also the reasn every1 of my ex-gfs cud give me scarz & peeps think it is funny. i’m kinda scared of girls now. i thot guys in mboro were gay cuz they wunted 2 avoid the agin’, but it cud b cuz guyz r safer than girlz.

     
  • At 6:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, i'm kinda confused. like, liz is a woman, so by what mom sez, everything she wants is rite, so paul getting a transfer is rite. but mom's a woman and wants liz 2 b with granthony. so y is mom's "rite" riter than liz's rite?

    i guess sum1 will say this all goez back 2 the patterson hierarchy. with mom being higher up than liz. but when does that switch? wasn't there a time when grandma marian wda been higher up than mom? suppose liz went against mom and married paul, so liz b-came a married patterson woman, which wd move her higher up. when wd the switch happen so liz is higher up than mom?

    and liz hitting me being ok cuz liz is a girl. but what if i fought back? i'm a girl 2, plus i'm a patterson girl who'z pre-engaged, while liz is not, she just has a "man in her life."

    confused!

    apes

     
  • At 6:40 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Yesterday evening, Candace Halloran and I attended our first meeting for Survivors of the Allure of Pattersons (SAPs). Candace and I had a good time, but it was really brought down when Dennis North would not get quiet about how his wished he could go dancing with Elizabeth Patterson once last time before it was all over.

    Anyway, Candace told you yesterday about what happened during her testimony. The Defence testimony continued today. The witness my lawyer, the Defence Counsel, Mr. Benis, called today was a woman I had never seen before. Her name is Tina and she is an African-American woman. I wondered why Mr. Benis was calling her. He said to me, “Don’t worry, Howard. We are trying to build the case that Elizabeth Patterson puts people into potentially violent situations with her and this witness is one of the best. After her, even Judge Patterlover will have doubts.” This is the testimony as best I remember it.

    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Miss Tina, will you please explain how you know the complainant in this case, Miss Elizabeth Patterson?
    Tina: I knew Elizabeth Patterson, when we were both attending Nipissing University.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Miss Tina, can you recollect any situations in which Miss Elizabeth Patterson placed rivals for romantic affection in potentially explosive situations with one another?
    Tina: Yes, I can. It was in March, 2002 I was getting a drink for my then-boyfriend Eric Chamberlain.
    Judge Patterlover: The cheating jerk. Is he here today? I have a jail cell here for him.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Your honour?
    Judge Patterlover: Answer the question!! Is he here?
    Tina: I am pretty sure he is not here.
    Judge Patterlover: Good! Continue on!
    Tina: What was I saying?
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: You were getting a drink for your then-boyfriend Eric Chamberlain.
    Tina: Yes. There was a knock on the door and when I opened it, there was Elizabeth Patterson. She said she was looking for Eric because he had been skipping his hockey practices to spend time with me. She found this out because she had gone to the arena to give Eric his skates and he wasn’t there.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Did it seem suspicious to you that Elizabeth Patterson was delivering skates for Eric?
    Tina: No. She was his roommate. Over Christmas, 2001, I stayed with Eric at his place and he said, “Elizabeth Patterson is just my roommate, she rents space in my apartment, even though she is a girl. And he showed me how Elizabeth had a separate room from her.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel:And you believed him? A university man is a roommate with a university girl, and you believed they were unattached?
    Tina: When I think back on it now, it seems pretty stupid. But I knew Elizabeth and from the way she acted it was not hard to believe she and Eric were celibate.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Then what happened?
    Tina: She called Eric a two-faced liar, and I thought it had something to do with skipping hockey practice. So I asked her what she was talking about, and she said I should take a look at him and figure it out. Eric was looking really nervous and sweaty, and I thought he wouldn’t be acting this way about hockey. And I also thought, Elizabeth Patterson wouldn’t act this way about hockey. So, I thought he must have been cheating on me.
    Judge Patterlover: Eric Chamberlain. That dirtball. Threw away the love of good woman like Elizabeth Patterson. I wish he were here. I would show him a thing or two.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Did Eric admit to cheating on you?
    Tina: No. He tried to get us to calm down, but Elizabeth Patterson was waving her fist around like she was ready punch him out.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Did she punch him out?
    Tina: No. She wanted me to join in, but first I had to get my head around it. Then I remembered one time when Elizabeth called looking for him, and Eric told me to say he wasn’t with me. That was my proof.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Eric Chamberlain already told you Elizabeth was his roommate. How was not wanting to talk to her proof he was cheating?
    Judge Patterlover: As if there could be any more proof. Not wanting to talk to Elizabeth Patterson. That should be a crime and Eric Chamberlain should plead guilty.
    Tina: That’s just what we did next. Elizabeth and I yelled at Eric to plead guilty to cheating on us both.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Did he plead guilty?
    Tina: No. He ran into the bathroom and locked the door.
    Judge Patterlover: The coward!
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Let me see if I understand this correctly. You were having a peaceful evening with your then-boyfriend. Then Elizabeth Patterson arrives. And after she accuses your then-boyfriend of cheating on her and you, he felt so threatened he had to lock himself in a bathroom to get away from you. Is that right?
    Tina: Things really escalated after Elizabeth got there.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Was Mr. Chamberlain afraid of emotional conflict or did he think he was in danger of being hurt?
    Judge Patterlover: Oh for goodness, sake. The answer is both. Ask a better question, Defence Counsel, or I’m taking over.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Yes, your honour. Was Mr. Chamberlain in danger of being hurt, by you and Elizabeth Patterson?
    Tina: I know I was at fault with this too, but Elizabeth kept on saying things like, “There’s gonna be pieces of Eric all over this apartment!!!” I got swept away in her fervor. I guess Eric was in some danger, because when he did finally come out, he gave us a lot of compliments, I think trying to get us to not hurt him, but we still jumped on him and beat him with our bare fists.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: So you went from quiet evening to ganging up with Elizabeth Patterson to beat your then-boyfriend.
    Tina: Yes. I thought it was funny at the time, but later on I was pretty embarrassed I had gotten into it.
    Judge Patterlover: Oh for goodness, sake. Don’t apologize. You’re a woman. You couldn’t possibly hurt him.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: As your honour says. Miss Tina, this sounds like two women getting justifiable revenge on a cheating man. Why would you think this was a situation in which Miss Elizabeth Patterson placed rivals for romantic affection in potentially explosive situations with one another?
    Tina: After Eric left, Elizabeth said something very strange. She said, “I guess I knew that Eric was cheating on me. I just had to see it for myself. When I found him here at your apartment, I bet he thought you and I would have a real ‘cat fight’!”
    Judge Patterlover: You would lose.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Your honour?
    Judge Patterlover: A “cat fight”. Elizabeth Patterson could take you.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Yes, your honour. Miss Tina. Are you saying that Elizabeth Patterson specifically and intentionally came to your apartment, knowing that a fight would occur?
    Tina: Actually she said she thought that Eric would think we would have a “cat fight” but it didn’t make sense, because Eric didn’t know she was coming to my apartment. The only one who would have expected a fight was Elizabeth Patterson.
    Judge Patterlover: And the two of you really gave it to that coward, Eric Chamberlain. He wasn’t worth breaking a nail over, but he was probably worth breaking his head over.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Your honour?
    Judge Patterlover: He had a chance to be with Elizabeth Patterson and he blew it.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Miss Tina. How do you feel about what happened today?
    Tina: As I said, I am embarrassed I could get caught up in violence so easily, but I will have to admit everything turned out for the best.
    Judge Patterlover: I am so glad to hear you say that.
    Tina: Yes. Eric and I are together now, and if it hadn’t been for that fight, it wouldn’t have happened.
    Judge Patterlover: You slut! You scheming, cheating slut!!!
    {gasps from the courtroom}
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Miss Tina. Can you explain what you just said?
    Judge Patterlover: You better have a good explanation for this gross betrayal of Elizabeth Patterson or you are going to see some jail time.
    Tina: Well. That night after Elizabeth left, Eric came back. He had picked up his ice skates from the Salvation Army pickup box where Elizabeth had put them to get revenge on him. He didn’t look very good. He had bruises and scratches across his face from where Elizabeth and I had beat him.
    Judge Patterlover: Which he deserved.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Your honour?
    Judge Patterlover: Well, he did, you know.
    Tina: He said to me, “Tina, I didn’t lie to you and I can prove it.” At first I didn’t believe him, but without Elizabeth there, I wasn’t as mad as I was before. So, I said, “How are you going to prove it?” And he said, “Come with me to my apartment and I will show you.”
    Judge Patterlover: The pig! You didn’t fall for that trap, did you?
    Tina: Actually, I did. I went to his apartment. Elizabeth wasn’t there because she was crashing at one of her friend’s places, but her stuff was still there in her room.
    Judge Patterlover: You looked through Elizabeth Patterson’s stuff. That’s invasion of privacy. What did you find?
    Tina: Birth control pills. All unopened and unused. And a note.
    Judge Patterlover: You read notes Elizabeth Patterson had! That’s breaking and entering. What did the note say?
    Tina: I have it right here. {Lifting paper.}

    Dear Liz,

    It seems so ‘strange’ to think I have another ‘sister’ now, and I can’t think of one better than you. You were so beautiful during our ‘fake’ wedding. Your ‘boyfriend’ will be sad he didn’t get to see you so ‘pretty’. I am so sorry, that your brother ‘and I’ confused you into thinking we had ‘you know what’ and moved into ‘together’ before marriage, since you didn’t know about our ‘real’ wedding months ago. But that’s all ‘fixed’ now. Now you know. There's no ‘you know what’ until you are married, and then stop using birth ‘control’ during your ‘honeymoon’ and tell your ‘husband’ you wanted to change ‘medications’, so you
    waited for the ‘first’ one to leave your system, and ---then ‘it’ just happened that you got pregnant. Men are so ‘stupid’ when it comes to women’s ‘things’, they will believe anything ‘you’ say. I am so glad we 'straightened' that out. Your brother and I haven’t had our ‘honeymoon’ yet, so let’s let that be our little ‘secret’ for awhile. Don’t tell your ‘brother’. As for you ‘boyfriend’, just remember, no ‘you know what’ until ‘marriage’, no matter how much he ‘begs’.

    Your new sister,
    Deanna Sobinski Patterson

    Judge Patterlover: {grabbing the letter} Let me see that! Hum! It looks authentic. It matches Deanna Patterson’s punctuation technique.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: This was the proof you needed?
    Tina: No. Eric had a box of Trojans I got him when I stayed over once and the same number of Trojans were there. Plus Eric’s room was messy and Elizabeth’s was neat. Knowing Elizabeth, if she was involved with him, she would have cleaned his room. Also, the mattress on Eric’s was indented from only one person sleeping there.
    Judge Patterlover: Not having sex with Elizabeth Patterson doesn’t mean that sluggard Eric Chamberlain wasn’t cheating on you.
    Tina: He’s sleeping with me, and not sleeping with her. Not only that but he said when he spent time with her, he was always thinking of me.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: How would you prove that?
    Tina: Thought balloons.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: After seeing all this proof, what did you think?
    Tina: Eric was right. No matter what Elizabeth thought about Eric, he and she were essentially roommates. We started dating again and we have been together ever since.
    Judge Patterlover: Liar! Liar! Everyone knows Eric Chamberlain moved to Ottawa and continues to date, because he works for a marketing agency in the vicinity of a parade of attractive temp workers.
    Tina: That is basically right. Eric continues to date me, and there are a lot of attractive temp workers close by where he works.
    Judge Patterlover: You’re a fool if you believe he is faithful to you.
    Tina: This engagement ring says different. {shows ring}
    {gasps from the courtroom}
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: I guess you like Mr. Chamberlain?
    Tina: Eric is a great guy. If you don’t hound him to know where he is every second of the day, or constantly criticize how he cleans things, or beat him up when you get mad at him, he’s a lot of fun to be with.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: And your violent encounter with him in university?
    Tina: I was at fault, but I was also set up.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: By Elizabeth Patterson?
    Tina: By Elizabeth Patterson.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: No more questions.
    Crown Attorney: Miss Tina. I have a few questions…
    Judge Patterlover: Sit down! I ask the questions here! Now, Miss Tina --isn’t it true that you’re actually in love with Elizabeth Patterson?
    Tina: No!
    Judge Patterlover: But it IS true that you’re a dyke, isn’t it?
    Tina: No!
    Judge Patterlover: Liar! You have dyke written all over you.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Your honour, what are you doing with that marker?
    Judge Patterlover: I am just going to…Oh all right. Miss Tina. You are obviously jealous of Elizabeth Patterson and you want to ruin her life. Isn’t that why you came here all the way from Ottawa?
    Tina: No!
    Crown Attorney: Then why did you come here?
    Judge Patterlover: Sit down! I ask the questions here! Now, Miss Tina -- Then why did you come here, if it wasn’t to ruin Elizabeth Patterson’s life?
    Tina: Eric saw the Milborough weekly police report in the Ottawa Citizen, where it mentioned Howard Bunt had been named in a sexual assault complaint by Elizabeth Patterson, and other women were encouraged to report Howard, if they wanted to help out Elizabeth.
    Judge Patterlover: So the accused assaulted you too?
    {cries from the courtroom: “The fiend.” “She just got engaged, too” “String him up.”}
    Tina:No. No. No. I never met Howard before today. Eric and I just figured that since Elizabeth Patterson was involved and there was violence, then there was a good chance she was setting someone else up, like she did me and Eric. So, I called up the Defence Counsel and volunteered to testify.
    Judge Patterlover:And why isn’t Eric here to testify himself?
    Tina: He thought he wouldn’t be able to leave Milborough alive. I thought he was a little crazy to say that, but after what I have seen here at this trial, I think he was right.
    Judge Patterlover: Don’t be silly. Eric would have been welcome here, particularly since you and he are engaged. This courtroom is all about love and making sure the right people get married.
    Tina: It’s not about sexual assault?
    {Just then the Bailiff cames in and handed Judge Patterlover a note}
    Judge Patterlover: What? This can’t be! The constable got a transfer! He’s moving here in January! He’s going to see Elizabeth at Christmas! Why are we even having a trial?
    {Courtroom erupts in pandemonium. Chairs were being thrown and a great number of curse words were shrieked out loud. Eventually the bailiffs calmed down your dad.}

    That’s pretty much where it ended for the day. More testimony later. Oh, I did buy a very nice engagement present for Tina as a thank you for testifying, and Becky and I took her out to eat before she left to catch her plane back to Ottawa. It was a pretty pleasant meeting, even though Becky kept on trying to convince Tina the real reason why your sister got so upset with Eric back in university was because Eric was dating an African American. I have my doubts. After all, your sister is dating a Métis constable.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    It has been very busy today; I did not get to read your writings. If you read mine from yesterday, you will know about all my big news. I have begun to clean things up here in Otter County to prepare for my move. Some of the constables are talking about having a farewell party for me. Some of the other constables have started a funny betting pool about me. These are the choices:

    1. Paul moves South and lives happily ever after with his girlfriend.
    2. Paul’s girlfriend sabotages their relationship and he cancels the transfer.
    3. Paul transfers South and his girlfriend decides she is going to move someplace else.

    My fellow constables are so funny. They love native humour, with its good-natured teasing. I took the bet for Number 1, and if I win, I am going to clean up. All the other constables picked numbers 2 or 3. They remember back to last May and what happened with my transfer to Spruce Narrows. I am going to get the last laugh with my coworkers, when they lose and have to pay me. I am going to miss working with them.

    I wish my friend, Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, was not still too upset to talk to me. She is still sad your sister is not going to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) for Christmas. When I call, Vivian Crane answers the phone and says Chipper is too upset to talk to me and I should call back later. I never knew Elizabeth would have such an effect on Chipper. I hope Chipper feels better soon. It’s not like Chipper to not be chipper.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, so that's what my dad was grumbling abt when he got home this afternoon. gah, he was so moody. thanx 4 the upd8, howard.

    paul, i think susan is sad cuz she's gonna miss u. i'm glad u r gonna b transferred down here!

    apes

     

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