Mike gives Merrie an Eating Disorder?
Gah, we're still on abt Mike, Ned, and toilets this week. And it's only Wednesday. Bleah. NEway, I got a Dee-mail:
Apes
'April'! That 'brother' of yours! He came into the 'apartment,' taking off his 'coat' and saying, "I gave Mrs. Saltzman a cheque to cover the repairs to the plumbing... And, I'll pay for the Kelpfroths' bathroom wall." My, he sure is 'formal' about 'Mrs. Saltzman' when he's giving her money! Then he took 'Robin' into the washroom, showed him the 'toilet,' and said, "Robin, this is not a toy, OK? Never, never put anything in it that's not supposed to be there--understand?" You know, 'April,' it seems to me we should have reviewed this with the 'childen' long before now. And maybe invested in some toilet-cover locks. Then I heard your 'brother' saying, "Put it this way: nothing goes in there that hasn't been eaten first." Oh, 'my,' April! I wish he'd said, "Just pee and poo," like a normal 'parent' would. Because poor 'Meredith'! First she got this wide-eyed look on her face when she heard what 'Michael' was saying about "eaten first." And for a second there, I swear I wondered who had replaced my four-year-old little 'girl' with your big 'sister' Elizabeth! It was as if Merrie had been drawn by someone who can't remember 'what' she looks like! Merrie was sitting at the kitchen table, and she'd only been picking at her 'food.' I told her, "Meredith, finish your hot dog." And she said, "...I'm thinking." Poor girl, I don't think she'd ever made the connection between eating, digestion, and what goes into the potty before just then. And now I think she 'might' have developed a complex about 'this,' April! Dang Michael!Man, Michael! No brainer! Do you really expect your two-year-old to know what you mean? As far as he's concerned, he doesn't eat pee and poo, it comes out of his nethers, U foob!
Best,
Dee
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:50 AM
12 Comments:
At 8:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur bro iz a pretty st00pid dad, & i know st00pid dads frum my own dad. ur bro’s lecture ‘bout the toilet kinda reminds me of the tyme, wen i wuz 4 & my dad tried 2 xxplain 2 me how to get rid of a hangover. he wuz talkin’ ‘bout drinkin’ coffee & runnin’ ‘round the street, & i wuz tryin’ 2 figger out wut a hangover wuz. ur nephew wuz prolly tryin’ 2 unnerstand wut u eat becomez wut u poop since he’z only 2, eh? i guess ur nephew can b glad ur dad duzn’t drink. that makes ur bro a little better than my dad, but not much.
At 9:07 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your nisayenh (brother) talking to your nindoozhim (nephew) about the rules for using the zaaga`amoowigamig (toilet) and how he is paying the plumbing bill for his ashangekweg (landlady). I was going to say your nisayenh (brother) was nice to pay these bills, but your sister pointed out to me that your nisayenh (brother’s) rental agreement with his ashangekweg (landlady) is to pay for or do all repairs himself. My sweet girl said your nisayenh (brother) would not pay those bills, if he was not legally obligated and she was sick and tired of him getting praise for doing what he is supposed to do. She said, “For example, Paul. I always teach the kids in my class, because that is what I am supposed to do. But I always reach out to one particular child, the problem child with a great sense of humour and I make that child my own personal project for improving their lives, like I did with Jesse Mukwa in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and with Dylan what’s-his-name when I was student teaching.” I said, “I am proud you are doing teaching more than what you are supposed to do. How did you reach out to Jesse Mukwa and this Dylan?” Your sister said, “Mainly, I gave them straight lines so they could tell their jokes in class. If the teacher is going along with their joke, then they can realize their jokes are no longer an act of rebellion and they can concentrate on learning, while keeping the class amused at the same time.” I told my sweet girl that method was very smart. But then my sweet girl said, “That whole trial messed me up. I had to be away from my job for several weeks waiting to testify. My career took some damage. I should be getting praise for my teaching, just like I did in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), but thanks to the trial, I haven’t been able to find out which of the children is problem child with a great sense of humour. The kids in my class are feeling a little destabilized. They had two different supply teachers while I was gone, and I don’t think either one of them encouraged the kids to tell jokes in class. I should be getting praise like my nisayenh (brother) is for paying cheques (and using the Canadian spelling for once).” I tried to give your sister some more praise, but she said praise from boyfriends doesn’t count. It needed to be from the students, or the parents of the students, or from other teachers, or from random people who live in Milborough who drop in on one of her teaching sessions (like what happened during her stargazing party in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees)). After I get my transfer, I promised I would drop in randomly to praise her, and she seemed to be happy with that.
When I mentioned your nisayenh (brother’s) story and your sister’s teaching problem to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, she was exasperated. Chipper said, “Encouraging disruptive behaviour in the classroom?!! Explaining to a 2-year-old how the body gets rid of food in order to make a point about what to put in the toilet?!! Elizabeth’s nisayenh (brother) may not know any better, but Elizabeth is a trained teacher out of Nippissing University. They have a good reputation.” One of things I love about Chipper is how she gets so excited about her job of teaching children. After I told her this story, she talked very loudly about teaching for a long time.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dee, you dumbass, if you think you should have reviewed the whole "don't flush random objects down the toilet" before this, then why didn't you do it? Answer: you're a crappy mother. You negligently and foolishly set up situations where things are bound to go wrong, and then you act surprised when they do and you are (rightly) criticized.
Whew, that felt good. I swear to God, I have wanted to slap that fish-lipped, lisping little princess black-and-blue ever since the day Mike first brought her home.
Damn, Liz was so freaked out over the trial that I couldn't ever get out for a breath of fresh air, so to speak. I'm going out for a romp, but I'll be back later to continue spilling Liz's dirty little secrets.
Ta ta, Vivienne Paris
At 1:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello all,
I noticed that nobody told the story of my testimony at Howard’s trial. I emailed him about it, and he told me that he just hadn’t gotten to it yet. Since I guess it’s going to be out there sooner or later, I told him I wanted to tell it myself. Howard said that was okay, since it would give his “delicate little typing fingers” a rest. They look kind of thick and pudgy to me, but I will admit that nail polish is a very delicate shade of pink.
The following is a transcript of my testimony in court. I’m going to skip past all the calling of the witness and the swearing in stuff, because that crap is lame.
---
Mr. Benis: Ms. Halloran, will you please explain how you know the complainant in this case, Ms. Elizabeth Patterson.
Me: I’ve known her ever since grade school. We were roommates in uni.
Mr. Benis: How would you describe your friendship, in terms of closeness?
Me: Well, on my side, I like Liz okay, but I don’t think of us as being the greatest of friends because she doesn’t really confide in me or anything, you know? But I know that Liz considers me her very best female friend, and she told me once that I am the person she most confides in. Which is scary if you think about it, especially from her boyfriend’s point of view, but I don’t think men date Liz for her emotional maturity.
Judge Patterlover: Objection! Immaterial! (switches voice to a low, deep register) Sustained!
Me: What the hell?
Mr. Benis: Just go with it.
Me: But doesn’t the Crown Attorney make objections?
Crown Attorney: But Judge Patterlover is so much better at it. That’s why he’s a judge.
Judge Patterlover: Thank you. And come to think of it, I don’t think we need to hear from this witness. What is the point of her testimony, anyway?
Mr. Benis: We’ve been over this. Part of our affirmative defense relies upon the idea that Elizabeth Patterson tends to enjoy placing rivals for her romantic affections in potentially explosive situations with one another. Ms. Halloran can testify both about her knowledge of Ms. Patterson’s behavior, as well as give her expert opinion about Ms. Patterson’s psychological state.
Judge Patterlover: That’s absurd! This…this…person couldn’t possibly have an opinion worth listening to! Look at…are you a man or a woman?
Me: Are you for real?
Mr. Benis: The witness is a woman, your Honor.
Judge Patterlover: Well, with that manly appearance and that ghastly nose ring and that hair styled so improbably that it looks like a Halloween fright wig she dug out of a bargain bin on November 2nd…you’re not married are you, Ms. Halloran, you hideous, freakish creature, you?
Me: No, I’m not. I don’t believe in marriage. And my appearance isn’t hideous or freakish. It’s edgy. Having a nose ring and not being married makes me a rebel.
Judge Patterlover: Doesn’t believe in marriage! Wears a nose ring! This witness is clearly insane!
Mr. Benis: Your Honor, you may only qualify or disqualify this witness as an expert. It is for the jury to determine the weight of her testimony.
Judge Patterlover: Fine!
Crown Attorney: (whispering) Examine her!
Judge Patterlover: I will now examine her!
John Patterson: (shouting from the gallery) Examine her teeth first! Bad teeth are the sign of liars and moral deviants!
Judge Patterlover: Yes, open your mouth! Let me see your teeth!
Me: No @#%$ing way.
Mr. Benis: Please, Ms. Halloran! My client’s fate may depend on you!
Me: Oh, #$&@ it. (opens mouth)
Judge Patterlover: Hmm…actually, her teeth look pretty good.
John Patterson: (muttering from the gallery) Oh, crap.
Me: Yes, Dr. Patterson’s wife forced him to provide me with free dental care.
Judge Patterlover: Is that true?
John Patterson: Oops. I forgot.
Judge Patterlover: But why would he do that?
Me: I went from being Liz’s grade school tormentor to her very best friend, Mrs. Patterson said I needed to have my teeth fixed, so there would be no confusion about whether I was still bad or not.
Judge Patterlover: All right then. But what exactly are you supposed to be an expert in?
Mr. Benis: If I may, sir, Ms. Halloran holds a degree in psychology from Nipissing University, and is currently “in a practice.”
Judge Patterlover: Wow. What kind of degree?
Me: A bachelor’s degree.
Crown Attorney: Objection! The witness is a liar!
Judge Patterlover: Learned friend, please expound!
Crown Attorney: Thank you, Your Honor! It is well known that in Ontario, a psychologist must possess a doctorate before he or she can be a licensed practicing psychologist!
Me: Yeah, well, you can thank Elly Patterson for that, too. Once she found out about my unfortunate home life, she enrolled me in the Patterson Charitable Trust for Mistreated Childhood Friends.
John Patterson: Oh God.
Judge Patterlover: Please explain!
Me: It’s like this. When Elly Patterson finds out that a friend of one of her kids has been mistreated or abused by his or her parents, she makes sure to use her power to further their career. Usually she just gives money, but in my case, she called the licensing board.
Judge Patterlover: That’s very generous of her!
Me: I guess. She used to just give abused kids hugs, but now she gives career help. I don’t know why she doesn’t call the police, but she says that Pattersons don’t believe in it.
Judge Patterlover: Well, cheeze. I guess I have no choice but to qualify this witness as an expert. Proceed if you must.
Mr. Benis: Thank you, your Honor. Now, Ms. Halloran, have you ever observed or heard of Ms. Patterson arranging situations in which her romantic rivals are forced to meet in uncomfortable circumstances?
Ms. Halloran: Sure. All the time.
Mr. Benis: Please elaborate.
Me: Well, she ever introduced that @$%&head Eric to that sleaze Anthony. And she flaunted her gay escort Dennis under Anthony’s nose, at his wedding and at a New Year’s Eve party. That might have turned violent if Anthony weren’t such a pussy. Instead, it looked like he might pass out. He looked like a deer in the headlights. You should have seen him. He turned white as a sheet. Well, whiter. He’s always pretty pasty.
Mr. Benis: Were there any other times?
Me: Oh, yeah. She arranged for Warren to “coincidentally” run into Paul last Christmas, you know, just at the moment when she was hugging Paul goodbye…”coincidentally.” One time she let Eric “catch her” in Rudy’s room when they were alone, talking, right at a time when she thought Eric might leave her. I could definitely see her setting it up so Anthony could “save her.” It would fit with Liz’s ideas about romance.
Mr. Benis: And what are her ideas about romance?
Me: Well, have you ever read the collected works of Lubrella Kuntz? They’re Liz’s favorite books. Her favorite is, “The Librarian, the Libertine, and the Lending Officer.” She calls it “her Bible.”
Mr. Benis: Please describe the philosophy of romance espoused by the works of Ms. Kuntz.
Me: Well, in the Librarian book, the heroine is a poor unmarried spinster who is alone in the cruel world. She is pursued by one dashing, roguish man and by one mild-mannered pantywaist. At the start of the book, the heroine knows that the pantywaist loves her, but she craves adventure and excitement. Then she does something really “daring,” like get a job or go to college. There she meets the rogue, who romances her, but will not marry her. The heroine eventually finds out he’s scum, but by then the pantywaist is too shy to ask her to marry him. Some big dramatic thing happens in order to get the pantywaist to speak up.
Mr. Benis: And what kind of big dramatic event was it?
Me: In all of Lubrella Kuntz’s books, something traumatic happens to the heroine, and the pantywaist has to rise above his usual passive ways to rescue her. That gives him the courage to propose.
Mr. Benis: Do you see a parallel with Ms. Patterson’s life in those books?
Me: Oh, sure, she definitely thinks that’s how she’ll get a proposal out of a man. That’s why she’s always in the middle of some big drama or trauma. That’s why she has all those meetings between the “men in her life,” as she likes to call them, and why she does stuff like go to her dickless ex-boyfriend’s wedding and try to make him jealous.
Mr. Benis: Do you think the event that occurred between Mr. Bunt, Mr. Caine, and Ms. Patterson fits this pattern?
Me: Oh, definitely. In fact, I think that’s why she didn’t report Howard or call the cops before he attacked her. I think she wanted it to happen.
Judge Patterlover: Objection!
Mr. Benis: No more questions, your Honor.
Crown Attorney: Ms. Halloran, I have a few questions…
Judge Patterlover: Sit down! I ask the questions here! Now, “Ms.” Halloran--isn’t it true that you’re some kind of transsexual?
Me: No! I’ve always been a woman!
Judge Patterlover: But it IS true that you’re a dyke, isn’t it?
Me: I really don’t see why this is any of your business! But no, I’m not gay. I date a man named Rudy.
Judge Patterlover: But he’s a very womanly man, isn’t he?
Me: I wouldn’t say that!
Judge Patterlover: Does he or does he not do half of the chores in that den of iniquity that is your shared household of unbridled, unmarried lust?
Me: Uh…yeah, we live together, and he does half the chores.
Judge Patterlover: And doesn’t he have the figure of an overweight woman?
Me: No.
Judge Patterlover: Are you trying to deny that your boyfriend, Rudolph Dodd, has moobs?
Me: What?
Judge Patterlover: You know! Man boobs!
Me: Well…okay…so his boobs are bigger than mine. So what? He’s no piece of calendar art, but he treats me like gold! He spends time with me and values my opinion as his equal! That’s more than you can say for most of the boyfriends and husband that Milboroughtonian women have!
Judge Patterlover: So you admit that your boyfriend looks a lot like a woman!
Me: You’re crazy!
Judge Patterlover: Crazy like a fox, baby! Just admit that you’re gay already! You’re not fooling anyone!
Me: Fine! Alright! So I’m gay! Are you happy now? It’s true!
Judge Patterlover: So you admit that you lie on a daily basis about your sexual orientation!
Me: Look, I just didn’t want to suddenly get a lot of creepy attention just because I admitted that I’m gay! I mean, look what happened to Lawrence Poirier! Everyone had practically forgotten he was alive before he came out of the closet. Now he has to deal with Elly Patterson fawning and drooling all over him! I didn’t want that in my life! Is that so wrong?
Judge Patterlover: To not want Elly Patterson’s attention is wrong and depraved!
Me: Whatever.
Judge Patterlover: Isn’t it true that you are testifying against Ms. Patterson today because you’re jealous of the men in her life? Because you’re angry that she’s not a homosexual like you?
Me: Why should I care if Liz is or isn’t gay?
Judge Patterlover: BECAUSE YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ELIZABETH PATTERSON!
(gasps from the courtroom)
Me: I am not!
Judge Patterlover: Are too!
Me: Am not!
Judge Patterlover: WHAT ABOUT THE NIGHT YOU GOT ELIZABETH PATTERSON DRUNK AND THEN CLIMBED INTO HER BED?
(more gasps)
Random Spectator: Slut!
Me: I was cold!
Judge Patterlover: YOU WERE TRYING TO SEDUCE HER! ADMIT IT! ADMIT IT, FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER FREAKISH MANLY-WOMAN GOD IT IS YOU WORSHIP!
Me: Okay! Fine! Yes! Elizabeth Patterson is the love of my life! And I can never, ever have her! So every time I see her, it’s like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, put through a shredder, and set on fire! I love that stupid twit even though she’s a man-crazy idiot desperate to get married! I’m telling the truth, you stupid $@#&er!
Judge Patterlover: Bailiff! Throw her off the stand!
----
So, yeah, humiliating. But Liz has been very understanding. She says she understands that I can’t help myself—it’s the Patterson allure. Goddamn that stuff.
Candace
At 1:53 PM,
howard said…
Candace,
That was so brave of you to write that. I know exactly what you are going through. My lawyer, Mr. Benis said you made some important points in the courtroom, but he suspected they were overshadowed by the confession of being in love with Elizabeth Patterson. Darn that Patterson allure.
Howard Bunt
At 2:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I read the Candace testimony and I can’t say I am too surprised by her confession. No wonder she didn’t find her step-dad to be very attractive, if she was interested in the Lizardbreath.
As for my wife and your accusation that I gave my daughter an eating disorder, I am dumbfounded that either of you would say such a thing about me. Both Deanna and you harass me about spending more time with my children, and when I do, it’s nothing but nit and pick over how I spend my time with them. You may think my son has to hear the words "pee" and "poo", to understand how to operate a commode, but I know my son is smarter than that. Then you think that my daughter, just because she overheard the conversation with my son, might have developed a complex about this. I will have you know, little sis, I have had a conversation with my daughter and my son about the the connection between eating, digestion, and what goes into the toilet (at Deanna’s insistence), and they both understand everything completely. My children are little geniuses and I don’t have to talk down to them, like they are 2 and 4 years.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:31 PM,
howard said…
April,
I did spend some time with my aunt Winnie and uncle Melville Kelpfroth recently, and they told me a story which was somewhat related to the story you told about your brother’s family today. As you know, thanks to your niece, Merrie’s flushing of the Ned Tanner doll over 2 years ago, this magically corresponded with your nephew Robin’s flushing of your brother’s socks. Uncle Melville said they were woken up in the middle of the night by the plumber who declared he had to come in and knock a hole in their wall to correct the problem. Uncle Melville said, “Why he didn’t use the Plumbers Access Door I installed, I don’t know. But of course talking to Lovey Saltzman about it was a complete waste of time. We can’t get more than a few sentences into it with her, before she starts resorting to personal insults and threatening to charge us more money.”
Aunt Winnie said, “And of course it was something one of the upstairs neighbours’ children dropped in the toilet. And it turned out it was from 2 years ago, when they lived in the same apartment we live in now. You would think after 2 years, they would have learned about toilet locks.” Uncle Melville said, “I tried to tell them. Use a toilet lock. That way you don’t have to watch your kids every instant of every day.” I said, “What did they way about that?” Aunt Winnie said (using a slight lisp to mimic someone you know), “I am ethpecially galled by your inthinuation that we don't watch our kidth. I don't like hearing parentth juthtify accidentth and actth of vandalism by thaying ‘but I jutht looked away for a thecond!’ but at the thame time it'th very true that you cannot watch your kids every inthtant of every day. And it taketh tho little time to jam up the plumbing. What’th important is that both the kids learned thomething from the experience, which you would know if you had kids!” I said, “Wow! That’s pretty harsh.” Uncle Melville said, “Both the mother and the father have been on a real anti-“couples with no kids” jag lately. We’re not the only ones she has said that too. I think Josef Weeder and Carleen Stein are the only couple who will visit with them anymore.”
Aunt Winnie said, “And here is the sad part. Their little girl, Meredith, and the little boy, Robin, came down to ask us about how food turns into poop. Meredith and Robin were both confused about something their father said to Robin. Meredith overheard something her father said to her brother, just as she was eating a hot dog. And she thought, ‘This hot dog is about the same size and shape as my poop.’ She started looking at her poop carefully to see if it looked like what she had been eating, and of course it wasn’t. Plus she was a little afraid if she ate something big like a baked potato, it would try to come out of her body in that shape and hurt her. I got her straightened out. Robin on the other hand was worried because his daycare lady, Ardith, told Robin he needed to wipe his bottom after he went potty and she didn’t understand why he stopped. It turns out, Robin’s dad said, ‘Nothing goes in there that hasn't been eaten first,’ so since Robin didn’t eat the toilet paper, he stopped using it.” I said, “Well, he doesn’t eat the poop either.” Uncle Melville said, “Well, Howard. Let’s not go there. Let’s just say that little Robin is a much happier and sanitary boy now he’s talked to us.”
I thought I would let you know, you don’t have to worry about your niece or your nephew, at least about this thing, anyway.
Howard Bunt
At 6:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
tummy turn food into poopie! merrie no want to turn food to poopie! merrie no eat!
At 6:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
candace, wow. i think my mom just heard abt this thru the mboro grapevine. i m so sorry abt that special "coming out" gift basket she had delivered 2 u.
zeremy, yup. so much yup.
mike, gd luck getting the older of yr little geniuses 2 eat.
howard, that was nice of yr aunt an' uncle 2 help w/merrie and robin like that!
apes
At 10:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
The thing is, I'm not even sure I'm really gay. I've never been into any other chicks. I think it's just that there is no way to resist the Patterson allure. Just to be on the safe side, I don't think we should ever see each other ever again. Even bumping into you on the street could be dangerous.
Howard and I should start a support group for Survivors of the Allure of Pattersons (SAPs).
Candace
At 12:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I got some good news and I am not sure you heard it or not, because when I told it to your sister, she said you either heard what I said over the phone when I told your sister, or you were unconscious from a WHAP! to the head. I couldn’t tell if Elizabeth was joking or not.
If you did not hear it from your sister, this is the news. I finally got my transfer to the Highway Safety Division of the Ontario Provincial Police, which has a detachment in Toronto. The job starts in January. What I heard was that one of the constables decided to leave her husband and move back to England, and that created the open position. This is rumour. I don’t know if it is true. But I don’t care, if it gets me my transfer.
The other good news is I am allowed time to prepare for the move, so I have Christmas off from work. I know in your sister’s monthly letter she talked about coming to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and seeing everyone who lives there, but now I am making plans to come to Milborough to spend Christmas with my sweet girl and the rest of you. I cannot tell you how ombendam (excited) I am. I haven’t seen your sister since that one Sunday in October, which seems so long ago, it was like it didn’t happen. Your sister says your whole family gathers for Christmas, so I will get to meet your nisayenh (brother) and his family and your mishomis (grandfather) and nokomis (grandmother). My mishomis (grandfather) is very important to me, so I want to meet your mishomis (grandfather), even though I know he can’t talk from his stroke. Your sister says he is a veteran of WWII. I have much respect for our country’s veterans. I know he will like me. I can’t wait.
When I told my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, about the good news, she did not think it was so good. She started to cry. I said, “Chipper. Don’t worry. I know you have been preparing for Elizabeth to visit Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) ever since the beginning of the month, but she made a promise to Jesse Mukwa she would come back, so I know she will eventually. You do not have to be sad. When I am with my sweet girl in Toronto, I will make sure she keeps her promise.” Chipper said, “Suds (her nickname for me). You are so stupid, stupid, stupid! I can’t believe you are really going to transfer.” She started crying again and she hung up. I called back, but Vivian Crane answered the phone instead of Chipper, even though I could hear Chipper crying in the background. Vivian said, “Paul. Susan is very upset right now. I wouldn’t call her for a few days.” I told Vivian I would. I didn’t realize how much Elizabeth meant to Chipper, but my sweet girl does have the ability to touch people deeply when you wouldn’t expect it from the amount of time she spent with them. I did not expect Chipper to be so upset about not getting to spend Christmas with Elizabeth, but I know how she feels. I would feel terrible if I didn’t get to spend Christmas with Elizabeth either.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I shouldn't even talk to you, you're such a nosy brat, but since the world will want to know about what I'm doing, I have to put a post on your stupid blog, well, Paul is finally going to be the man in my life who is there for me, only now he is going to be here for me, because he is finally getting his transfer, it only took me months of nagging him, but it's finally happening, I'm so excited, I just know that Paul getting his transfer is going to lead me on the path to marriage, finally, I just know this event is going to cause me to finally get a husband somehow.
Well I decided there's no way I'm going up north to Mtigwaki for Christmas or New Year's, it is a horrible fate to be deprived of a Milborough New Year's Eve party, even though the one last year wasn't so great the ones from the years before that were fantastic, you always see all the most wonderful dearest people to you in the whole world and just that one night a year so missing it is a bad thing, besides, now that Paul is going to be living in the South I won't be needing to go up North anymore hardly ever, which is good because that long drive is really a big pain in the butt, that's what Mom says, but I'm not sure if she means in the real butt or the butt that isn't real but just means you hate doing something, anyway, Mom is always right.
You know after I hung up with Paul Mom and I had a big talk and she said she was so proud of me because I learned one of her biggest lessons of womanhood which is that whatever the woman wants is right, and she just says how she wants people to act and then her husband and kids (or boyfriend) has to do it, like when Mom made us go vegetarian awhile back, she said, "You did it! You told your boyfriend that he was going to move to Milborough with you, and he is doing it!" and I was so happy but also confused and I said, "But I thought you hated Paul and want me to break up with him for Anthony," and Mom said, "Oh, I'm not worried. When I went vegetarian, one screw up by your father was enough to make me realize I didn't really care about healthy eating anymore. Paul will get here and mess up somehow, like the imperfect non-Milborough, non-husband material he is. Then you will change your mind about him and realize you are meant to be with Anthony. Believe me, a mother knows. It will all unfold as I say," and I said, "But Mom, what if I don't do what you want?" and Mom said, "It's not about what I want, it's about what fate has decreed. Fate wants you with Anthony. You'll accept that someday. But your work with Paul is good practice for you. By the time you marry Anthony, you will have wifely control down pat," then Mom patted me on the head and left.
Well later I heard Mom in the sewing room and I smelled popcorn and I wanted some so I went to go in there but I stopped in the door because I saw Mom had a little doll in her hands, the doll was in a Mountie uniform and he had all these pins and things coming out of him, stuck in his chest and his naughty boy place, and I said, "Mom, what's up with the doll?" and Mom said, "I'm making a present for your nephew," and so I said, "You really put the grand in grandma," and then I went to see if you had woken up from your coma yet.
Liz
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