Gramps Again
Apparently, Gramps has regained enuf movement in his hands 2 write me an e-mail:
Speaking of which, sorry Dad gave U that pervvy toolkit, Becks. That was so wrong of him!
Apes
April!Aw, I'm glad Gramps is doing better aren't U? But if I'm gonna B talking abt him all week? Heck, I was gonna say "brace yrselves" but it seems like I want U guyz 2 brace yrselves no matter what I'm telling U abt!
How is my favourite grandchild? I have some news for you, squirt! I went in for a check up with my doc, and As he was examining my legs and feet, he said, "You're doing well, Jim. If we hadn't been able to get that clot-busting drug into you when we did, we might not be seeing this kind of recovery." He had me walk around using my walker, and he told me, "Your balance is better, the physio is helping to get your legs working again.... And the movement you've regained in your hands is remarkable!" That's when I thought, "I'm speechless!" It's a shame no one can appreciate thought-puns, eh? But that's the whole point, I can't talk, so I'm speechless. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Wait, what am I laughing at? That's not funny, it's sad. It's depressing as heck! And by the way, could you tell your dad that stroke recovery is not a "lifestyle"? Sometimes I really wonder what my daughter sees in that choo-choo loving, toolkit-buying, calendar-girl leering moron!
Well, the movement in my hands is starting to give out, so I'd better wrap this one!
Love,
Gramps
Speaking of which, sorry Dad gave U that pervvy toolkit, Becks. That was so wrong of him!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:04 AM
10 Comments:
At 9:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Sometimes you just have to admire our Grandpa Jim. There are some people, who, after having a stroke, would sit around and listen to CDs or Books on Tape, and let their body vegetate. But my grandfather is a clear thinker and a strong advocate for independence. Even though he can’t speak, he can still pun. He is an example for our entire family. Always remember, little sis, no matter how bad things get, no matter if it appears that you are going to spend the rest of your days at the same age, or unable to communicate, or it appears you have entered into the world of the desolate and depraved, you should never forget to pun.
As for toolkits, I had secretly hoped that Dad's toolkit gift to my lovely wife Deanna, would be something like the one he gave Becky McGuire. But, alas, Deanna got the "Lip maintenance" toolkit, and my daughter got "Lip maintenance Jr." My son got a "Sock Fishing Plumbers" toolkit. They really do make all kinds of toolkits these days.
I asked Dad why I didn't get a toolkit and he said something about how he always hated writing essays, and my novel-writing project seemed like one giant essay to him, so he could't imagine how I could either want to do it, or more importantly enjoy the writing! I asked what this had to do with toolkits, and he said, "You should be a little more reliable. Anthony Caine has certainly come through with Liz. He always was incredibly reliable. Now, there's a man who deserves a toolkit."
I think I am beginning to agree with Grandpa Jim's fine description of Dad you quoted in your Blog entry today.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings quoting your mishomis (grandfather) about his good medical news. I am glad you are still telling about your mishomis (grandfather). When I asked my sweet girl about him, she seemed to forget your mishomis (grandfather) had a stroke. I think she was trying some of her Southern humour on me. After all, one of the main reasons she said she wanted to move to the South, was to spend more time with your mishomis (grandfather). I think she doesn’t want to tell me about it, because your mishomis (grandfather) is not completely well yet. Many times, people don’t want to tell you about their relatives when they are sick. I am very close to my mishomis (grandfather). It would be hard for me to think of him after a stroke, so I know what my sweet girl must be going through.
Good news! My yard sale over the weekend to prepare for my transfer to Toronto was very successful. I sold almost 2/3 of everything I owned, so when I get to Toronto and I am living with your sister, there will be room for her things in the apartment. My ningitiziim (parents) helped me with the yard sale and actually bought many things themselves. They kept on saying, “You’ll need these things when you come back, Paul, so we’ll buy them.” My ningitiziim (parents) are both very good at native humour where they gently poke fun at you. I heard many jokes about how I would go down to visit your sister at Christmas and I would change my mind about getting my transfer. I love my ningitiziim (parents). We had such a good time selling my things. They did so much native humour this weekend, I was constantly laughing. When I get to Toronto, I am going to miss seeing them as often as I do now. But it will all be worth it to finally get spend every day with my sweet girl.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
don't feel 2 bad, mike. dad told me "they don't make toolkits for martians" and then he laffed with his tung sticking out. he gave me a gift certificate 4 hot topic, tho.
paul, when yr parents told these native-humour jokes, were they all, like, deadpan abt it? 4 sum reason i have a weird feeling that they were.
apes
At 6:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings asking the question if my ningitiziim (parents) told their jokes in a “like deadpan about it”. I think you mean: "Were my ningitiziim (parents) acting seriously when they said their jokes?" I think they were when they started.
Let me give you an example. I would sell my ice-fishing gear. My ngashi (mother) would say very seriously, “Don’t sell that Paul. There are places not too far from Toronto, where you can do ice-fishing.” My noos (father) would say, “Ine (exclamation of denial), nindikwem (my wife)! There is plenty of ice for fishing in Toronto.” My ngashi (mother) would say, “Where is it, (ninaabem) my husband?” My noos (father) would say, “If Paul wants to get zaagi'idi (love from somebody), he will have to daashkikwadin (make a crack in the ice) around his girlfriend to fish for it.” Then they would laugh very loudly and it made me laugh too. My ningitiziim (parents) know how easily your sister gets cold, and so they poked fun about it. You are not used to native humour, so it may not seem funny to you. Trust me, it is funny to people in the Northwest. When I tell the story to my friends at work, they all laugh.
I had a great weekend. My ngashi (mom) and noos (father) told funny jokes like my example all weekend. When your sister and I get married, you will get to meet them and see how funny they are.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
just so long as they don't make jokes abt my hair being ugly. cuz i don't have much control over my hair.
apes
At 8:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, April and friends! I didn't get a chance to post yesterday and tell you that I got one of your dad's special "native" toolkits, complete with tomahawk and moccasin-repair supplies. Too bad I never wear moccasins. My fiancé, Warren Blackwood, received a helicopter-maintenance kit, which was pretty nice, but it contained a strange "damn you for not 'being there' for my daughter" note.
Marjee
At 8:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, guess what I got from your Dad? An unnaturally-blonde hair toolkit, with peroxide, conditioners, and a hat for if I mess up and need to hide a hair-saster. Did someone tell your dad I'm not a real blonde?
Eva Abuya
At 8:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, @lunch 2day, vicki simone wuz tellin’ us ‘bout her bf gordie duroccher’s recovery frum his last boardin’ accident—snow board this tyme. supposedly gordie saw it snowin’ outside & when he got hiz snow boardin’ gear on & got outside, it wuz rainin’, but he decided he wuz gonna go snowboardin’ neway. this iz not sumthin’ which vicki recommends, particularly wen ur wearin’ sunglasses. vicki sed gordie’s balance is better, & his physio is helpin’ 2 get his legs workin’ again, & doctor is this young guy who leans down & gooses u, if u slack off w/ur exercises. vicki sed gordie iz rilly motiv8ed 2 get better fast.
shannon lake talked a little about getting ready to take her g1 driver’s licence road test & how much her ‘rents r scared, but she sez it’s a big step 2b independent. ‘course w/a g1, u hafta drive w/an adult, so her ‘rents still have a lotta control.
anne nichols’ niece karen stopped by the table & talked ‘bout the junior theatre group, “the dreamweavers” & sed they mite need sum1 2 do their sound 4 their next show. aftah she left, vicki sed, “zeremy. that girl likes u.” i sed, “i don’t think so. she tried 2 get me fired last friday.” shannon lake sed, “vicki…is…rite. if…she…did…that…b4…the…gym…jam, i…wud…b…jealous, but…now…i…have…my…bf…nolan. my…’rents…luv…him…&…so…do…i.” i sed, “i think u2 r 2 much n2 the luv stuff 2c str8.”
then zapata henderson stopped by the table & sed, “zeremy, wut wuz that girl doin’ ovah here?” i sed, “u mean, karen?” zapata sed, “thass the 1.” i sed, “it’s none of ur beeswax, but she wuz talkin’ ‘bout a job i cud get w/the dreamweavers junior theatre group.” zapata sed, “oh, a job, rite. sure.” vicki sed, “thass wut it wuz, zapata.” shannon sed, “yes….zeremy…duzn’t…lie.” zapata sed, “i think ic my bf, eldritch. cu l8er, zeremy.” aftah she left, vicki sed, “wow! zeremy. that girl likes u.” i sed, “i don’t think so. she’z already got a bf.” shannon lake sed, “vicki…is…rite. i…told…u…if…u…went…goth, u…wud…attract…those….weird…z-girlz.” i sed, “shannon. vicki. i dunno how 2 tell how crayzee that sounds. i’m speechless.” shannon sed, “i…think…boyz…r…a…lot…nicer…wen…they…don’t…talk. don’t…u…vicki?” vicki sed, “i agree w/u 100%, shannon. u shud stay speechless, zeremy.” shannon sed, “vicki’s…rite. u…shud…b…1…of…thoze…brooding…goth…boyz.” then they both laughed. i thought i wuz already doin’ a good job of broodin’.
At 8:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Whoa! You people who got toolkits are so lucky, dudes! Dr. P. gave me a most heinous calendar full of wrinkly, skinny women!
Everett
At 8:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
zeremy, i think vicki and shannon r rite. karen and zapata both seem 2 b really in2 u. must b, like, "jones allure" or sumthin', eh?
eva, i dunno abt yr dad an' my hair. he mita just, like, guessed.
apes
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