April's Real Blog

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Rattly Gramps

As U mita guessed, I got e-mail from Gramps again. Don't tell Mom, she's still hoping that one day she'll learn 2 send an' receive e-mail "with ease". Like it's so difficult, eh? NEway, here's Gramps:
April!

I really like this e-mail stuff. And it's great for my brain-hand coordination. I guess at least in writing, I'm not like a politician. Har-dee-har, boy do I bring the funny!

So this young doc, who looks about five minutes older than you, April, told me: "You appear to be handling all of this very well, Jim. --But... How are you? I mean, really." Of course, I couldn't answer, what with my loss of "yes" and even "ta," so I just buried my head in my hands. I wish I'd taken mime while in the service, back when I had the chance. But no matter, the doc knew what I meant: "Yes. Depression is a major byproduct of any major loss like this." Then he stood up, picked up some papers, and suggested, "I can prescribe something to help deal with the depression." That's when I raised my brows and thought, "But Doc! --I'm already so full of pills-- I RATTLE!!!" April, I must tell you, the pressure I'm putting on myself to think these laugh lines is really starting to strain me. I guess those happy pills are a good idea. Well, I'll probably write to you again soon. Until then, big hugs from your Grandpa!
So there ya have it.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:55 AM  

6 Comments:

  • At 5:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April dear,

    Your grandfather’s doctor called me today and told me it was necessary for Jim to be on anti-depressants, as he has been feeling rather down since his stroke. As always, I deferred to the doctor’s expertise but it was not without reservation.

    In the “old days” before anti-depressants, we would treat “feeling down” with old-fashioned home remedies such as chicken soup, liquor, and forced gaiety. I have been trying this sort of remedy with your grandfather, as well as one my mother taught me that only works on men called “soothing”. Soothing requires me to closely embrace your grandfather in such a way that he feels a great deal of love, and this allows his “down feeling” to be released, making him feel much better. Unfortunately, I haven’t been very successful with the soothing method. When I asked him about it, he said “Ayyyrrrrth, aaaaake ooooooo uuu dmmmurrrs,” which I thought meant he was thanking me for doing such a nice soothing job but that he would prefer chicken soup. I happened to not have chicken soup in the apartment, so I tried forced gaiety by playing some old records on the phonograph and spinning Jim around in his wheelchair like we were dancing. Jim ended up vomiting his entire Rice and Ground Turkey casserole lunch. It was very discouraging.

    It’s a shame Jim is taking so many pills right now, otherwise I would try a little bit of whiskey to help his depression. Fortunately, I am not taking so many pills and therefore can enjoy a nice glass of healthy red wine in the evenings to help me unwind. This prevents me from “feeling down”.

    Much Love,
    Iris Richards

     

  • At 6:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, 2day wuz a bad day. 1st lemme tell u the 1 good part. gordie duroccher wuz outa hospital & he had lunch w/us. he looked awful, but there he wuz. he wuz tellin’ every1 wut happed. he sed, “i wuz in hospital, & i had this doctor who wud grab my ass during my leg exercises. then yestahday he grabbed me & i jumped & hit my head on the side of the exercise table. then the doc says, ‘u appear 2b handling all of this very well, gordon. --but... how are you? i mean, rilly." of course, i couldn't answer cuz i had my head in my hands frum where it hit the table. then the doc started massagin’ my leg & sed, ‘yes. depression is a major byproduct of any major accident like urs." shannon sed, “he…massaged…ur…leg? wuz…it…a…part…of…ur…therapy?” gordie sed, “no way. he sed, ‘i can prescribe sumthin’ 2 help deal w/the depression’ & i cud tell frum the way he wuz touchin’ my leg, he didn’t mean a regular prescription.” i sed, “wut did you do?” gordie sed, “i got up & i hobbled 2 the door & sed, ‘ur a fool, doc, if u think i am goin’ along w/that!’” shannon sed, “wut…did…he…say…then?” gordie sed, “he sed, ‘thass doc foell, not fool doc.” vicki simone sed, “isn’t that weird? i’m glad gordie got out in tyme. imagine if gordie wuz oldah & cudn't move az well. doc foell cud have his way with an oldah man.” shannon sed, “yes…sum…doctors…r…very…quick…2…prescribe…medication…&…not…counseling….for…depressions. gordie…cud…have…been…taking…drugs…which…were…wrong…4…him.” we all stared @her, then she burst out laffin’. “just kiddin’” she sed.

    then zapata henderson came by the table w/the principal & she sed, “i wunt zeremy 2b my singin’ partner in the carollin’ group, since my bf, eldritch, dropped out.” the principal sed, “all right. jones. ur signed up.” i sed, “no, i’m not.” the principal sed, “do wanna ever do sound again @this skool? “ i sed, “yes.” then the principal sed, “then ur signed up. cu aftah skool this aftahnoon 4 rehearsal.” zapata sed, “cu l8er zeremy.” i sed a kinda not nice word. gordie duroccher sed, “ru they still beatin’ u up ovah the gym jam?” i sed, “yes.” shannon sed, “u’ll…have…fun...zeremy. my…bf…nolan…iz…accompanying…the…caroling…group.” i sed, “ru going?” shannon sed, “not…me! i…don’t…like…2b…in…fronta…peeps.” gordie sed, “wut’s w/u & zapata? i thot she wuz d8ing eldritch.” vicki sed, “zapata likes zeremy.” i sed, “do u rilly think so? april patterson sez she thinks i have sum kinda ‘jones allure’, like her sister haz ‘patterson allure’.” gordie sed, “cud b. u have d8ed a lotta pretty girls & peeps cud wonder how a guy who looks like he is 40 can get a pretty girl 2 d8 him.” vicki sed, “i dunno. it duzn’t seem the same 2 me.”

    then anne nichols’ niece karen stopped by the table & sed, “zeremy, wut wuz that girl doin’ ovah here?” i sed, “u mean, zapata?” zapata sed, “thass the 1.” i sed, “it’s none of ur beeswax, but she got the principal 2 force me 2 sing w/the caroling group, the principal haz been bribing peeps to sing in.” karen sed, “oh, the caroling group, rite. sure.” vicki sed, “thass wut it wuz, karen.” shannon sed, “yes….zeremy…duzn’t…lie.” karen sed, “we’ll c ‘bout that.”

    aftah she left, gordie sed, “i think april wuz rite. ‘jones’ allure.” shannon sed, “if…zeremy…haz…ne…kinda…allure, it’s...2…attract…crayzee…girls. well, you're…a…very…good…listener, zeremy, &…very…honest. a…lot…of…crayzee…girls…like…that." i sed, “do u think zandra larson iz a crayzee girl?” shannon sed, “no…zandra…iz…v…smart.” vicki sed, “she iz a z-girl, but zandra’s prolly the sanest of them.” gordie sed, “wut? iz sumthin’ w/u & zandra? how many girls do u have?” i sed, “no. nothin’ w/zandra. she’s d8ing duncan anderson.”

    shannon sed, “if…u…will…let…me…finish. i…wuz…gonna…say…wen…april’s…sis…haz…patterson…allure…guyz…r…attracted…2…her…evn…tho…she…is…not…v.smart…or…v.pretty…&…she…iz….kinda…mean…2…her…bfs. have…u…evah…broken…up…w/…a…gf?” i sed, “no. they’ve always broken up w/me & left some part of my body scarred.” vicki sed, “thass definitely not like a patterson allure.” gordie sed, “the crayzee girls like u, dude.”

    so then aftah skool, i go 2 the caroling group rehearsal. zapata iz there w8in’ 4 me, & ic karen iz there along w/luis guzmán frum ur band & nolan, who is carryin’ a portable keyboard. i sed 2 luis, “nolan iz doin’ the keyboards. ru singing, luis?” luis sed, “we all sing in 4evah&eva. only eva iz the 1 w/the mic.” i sed, “wut ru doin’ here? did the principal force u2 come 2?” luis sed, “no, amigo. a latino man must go where the chicas r & the chicas r always in the singing groups. karen told me about the group & i knew i shud b there.” karen walked up 2 luis & took hiz arm. she sed, “come on, singing partner.” & she led him off.

    so we were practicin’ & the singin’ teach sed, “i need sum1 2 sing a solo here 4 the guy’s part.” & zapata sed, “zeremy will do it.” i sed, “mebbe sum othah guy wants 2.” but none of the othah guyz were raisin’ their hand. so i sing the thing & the singing teach sez, “that wuz lovely jeremy. ur singing voice soundz just like ur father, country jones’, voice.” 4 sum reazn, wen the teach sed that, it made me rilly sad, like depressed & i started 2 get tears. so i covered my face w/my handz & i ran outa there. this part iz kinda tuff 2 rite, but i was outside, cryin’ a lot & i am not evn rilly sure y. i dunno. dad haz a nice voice. i know that. but i don’t wanna b like dad. mebbe that wuz it.

    then zapata henderson iz out there w/me & she sez, “depression is a major byproduct of most skool caroling groups.” & she gets rilly close 2 me & starts rubbin’ on my leg. i wuz about 2 ask zapata if she wuz thinkin’ ‘bout b-ing a doctor, wen i hear karen say, “get ur hands off him beyotch. u have a bf.” then zapata sed, “he’z my singing partner. u already have a singing partner.” then zapata & karen start screamin’ @each othah. & luis sidles up 2 me & sez, “amigo. wen the chicas r screamin’, the chicos shud b leavin’.” that made sense 2 me, so we ran back n2 where the carolling group wuz rehearsing. the teach sed, “oh ur back, mr. jones. i guess u must b havin’ sum kinda drug-induced emotional reaction, common 2 drug addicts. prolly takin’ 2 many illegally obtained or overly prescribed anti-depressants.” i sed, “thass prolly it.” the teach sed, “well, we don’t wanna have anothah gym jam w/our carolling group, mr. jones. unlike sum teaches, whom i won’t name, who go off on trips 2 england, wen they are supposed to b proctoring a gym jam, i will b w/the carolling group the whole tyme.”

    then zapata & karen came back n2 rehearsal. their faces were both red, & it wuz the most colour i had evah seen on zapata’z face. we kinda singing partnered 2gethah, but it wuz more like growling partnered. the teach noticed it & sed, “wud the person who iz growling, pleaze stop.” then karen sed, “sorry, teach.” so mebbe it wuzn’t just zapata. aftah rehearsal, zapata sed 2 me, “i h8 u zeremy. i am going to put a spell on u.” i sed, “not like screamin’ jay hawkins i guess.” zapata sed, “don’t talk 2 me.” karen grabbed luis & sed, “i h8 u2 zeremy. come on, luis.”

    so, it wuz not so good a day. mebbe 2morrow will b bettah.

     

  • At 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey April, that doc who rubbed my leg and all was a real sicko, I'm glad 2 be away from him. I just got a gift from your Dad, a first-aid kit with a card that said, "Merry Christmas! Quit the Extreme Sports You Crazy Git!" It was, like, a special novelty card from England.

    Gordie

     

  • At 7:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gah, my dad is such a freak. sorry abt that gordie.

    zeremy, i had a weird day, too. i was upset abt my hair, cuz it looked all nice 4 gym jam, and now the curse is making me wear a ponytail again. i can't believe i did this, but i started 2 dwell on my hair so much that i actually started crying. dunc had taken pics from gym jam and was showing them 2 us all during lunch. and then rite after, i had 2 use the washroom, and there i was in the mirror, lookin' all stoopid with the dorko 'tail. and suddenly, i just kinda lost it. i tried 2 get it 2gether 4 the next class, but i cdn't, so i had 2 go 2 class all bawling. the teach sent me 2 the nurse, who told me, "depression is a major byproduct of bad hair days, especially when u have them chronically, like u do. i m going 2 recommend that yr doctor put u on an anti-depressant." i told her i thot that wasn't necessary, but she waved me off.

    iris, that soundz v. frustr8ing. mayB we can all pitch in more, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 7:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i know just wut u mean. sumtymez i wish i cud look in the mirror & c sum1 who didn't look 40 years old. mebbe 30 or 35. but it's always the same. i remembah ur hair looked rilly nice during the gym jam. i've seen ur sis haz her hair down a lot these dayz, & i kinda wondered if there wuzn't sumthin' in ur fam 'bout how u & ur mom & ur sis all hafta have diffrent hair styles at the same tyme. u shud check & c if ur sis & u evah have a pony or a bun on the same day. cuz if ur sis haz her hair down, & urs is in the pony, then mebbe ur cud get ur hair down if u offered 2 put ur sis' hair in a bun 4 her. u know, just pretend ur b-ing nice, but az soon az her hair's in a bun, then u let ur hair down. wutyahink?

     

  • At 10:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I hear u Apes about yr hair. Think of all the times me & Gordie turn n2 shadows, especially @ lunch or n the hallways.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home