Yes and No
Well, here's the l8est Gramps e-mail, peeps:
Apes
April,Well, it's good to know Gramps can talk a little bit, still.
So I can say "Yes" and "No." I can even say "and." That's a relief. Iris was in the waiting area during that consultation I've been telling you about all week. After he was finished with that, he came out and told Iris, "You can come in now, Mrs. Richards." Iris said, "Thank you, doctor." Then she came into the office and the doc told her, "We're seeing significant progress in Jim's ability to use his hands, his legs are stronger and he still has his sense of humour!" Though I think that doc might have been from the states and saying "humor." Iris said, "But... He can't talk!" Doctor said, "We're working on that. He can say 'yes' and 'no'-- Which is a good start. And you can help by asking questions that require just a "Yes" or "No" answer." Iris said, "I'm already doing that, aren't I, Jim?" And I said, "Yes.... And.... No." See, I can say "Yes"! I can say "No"! And I can say "And"! But why didn't the doc stick to those "yes or no" questions? And why didn't I answer him when he asked if I was comfortable with my therapist and whether I had communication tools. Those questions take a yes or no. Oh, I remember, I wanted to say, "Well, sort of, except that," and then give a lengthy explanation, ending in a pun. I have to work on my "yes or no" answers.
Well, I'll probably write to you a couple more times before I lose interest in sending you so many e-mails.
Be well,
Gramps
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM
9 Comments:
At 8:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Whenever things get you down and you think there is no possible way you can carry on, you should remember what Grandpa Jim wrote you in his e-mail you quoted in your Blog entry today. There he is, one man against the world, with only 3 words he can speak. Most people would think, with only 3 words, his punning is going to be limited only to thought balloons and to the people who can read them. But no, little sis. Despite this severe limitation, our grandfather managed to take the 3 words he can speak and turn them into a pun. In response to Iris’ question, Grandpa Jim said, “Yes and no.” which could mean “These are the words I can say” or it could mean “You have not always been doing a good job asking questions, Iris.” The double meaning of the phrase, qualifies it for double-entendre pun status. When I read it in your Blog entry, it brought tears to my eyes. Deanna asked me why I was crying, and I told her how Grandpa Jim, despite the restrictions of his lifestyle, could still pun. She said, “For this, you cry?” Even though we have been married for years, Deanna has a hard time understanding the life of a Patterson. Either that or she is still mad I forgot her birthday yesterday, until I saw it on mom’s website. I guess I need to buy her something else to get back on her good side. Maybe another case of industrial-strength lipstick, since she goes through so much of the stuff so quickly.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings quoting your mishomis (grandfather) about the doctor giving his medical news to your nokomis (grandmother). I read your nokomis (grandmother’s) monthly letter, so I know and your nokomis (grandmother) knows your mishomis (grandfather) can say “Yes, no, good, big.” It sounds like the doctor did not understand what your nokomis (grandmother) was asking when she said your mishomis (grandfather) couldn’t talk. I think she was asking what the doctor meant when he said your mishomis (grandfather) still had his sense of humor. Sometimes a doctor is not a good listener. It also sounds like doctors in the South do tests for unusual things. I do not know any doctors in the Northwest who test for sense of humour.
With the Ojibway, our tradition was to use a mashkikiiwinini (medicine man or woman) for health. They are especially manidooke (in tune with the Spirit World) and can see things many people cannot. They are very important when giving anishinaabewinikaazowin (Spirit Names) to infants during our nooziwinike-giizhigad (Naming Ceremony). They are also very good listeners, because they hear what you say and the things you don’t say. For medical problems today, the Ojibway go to doctors, and they are not as good at listening, as a mashkikiiwinini (medicine man or woman). Sometimes I have had to act as an aanikanootaagewinini (interpreter) for accident situations where the persons involved speak only Ojibway and the doctor speaks only English. I have to act not only as an aanikanootaagewinini (interpreter) but an advocate for the patient, because the doctor does not listen carefully to what I say. It made me feel good when I could do something for one of my people who had been injured to get proper medical care. Working in Toronto after I get my transfer to the Department of Highway Safety, I don’t think I will get to do that again. There are not as many Ojibway in Toronto, as there are in the Northwest. But if it does happen, I will be ready.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Sorry I have not been around a lot, I have been working very hard on my new book, it's called The Spinster and the Nerd, it's a romance novel based on a plot that Anthony suggested when we were talking one day at the trial, it's all about this dumb girl named Leslie who doesn't understand that this guy, Arnold, has been in love with her for like a really, really, really, really, long time, and after like 10 years and about 350 pages full of really totally romantic almost-getting togethers, one day Arnold is walking on the beach because he is there being a lifeguard for his daughter Espanola's swimming group and he hears Leslie's cries for help and without a second thought he plunges into the icy water and reaches Leslie just in time, then he fights the crashing surf, exhausted, and carries Leslie's limp body to the safety of the beach, then Arnold feels for Leslie's vital signs and realizes she stopped breathing and then he screams out, "LESLIE!" and put his lips on hers, and his kiss magically brings Leslie back to life, I'm not really sure how to end it yet but I think probably Leslie and Espagnola and all Espagnola's friends will have to go to the hospital to get treated for hypothermia from the cold water, I don't really know, I need to call Anthony at work again and ask him, I am just a teacher so I don't really know all the reasons why it might be okay for Espagnola and her friends to play in cold water but for it to be bad enough to almost kill Leslie, it's probably an answer that would be obvious to a great parents with all kinds of wisdom, but anyway, I'm skipping now to writing the ending which I don't need hardly any advice about, it is the wedding of Leslie and Arnold, and then the wedding night, that will be the funnest part to write, it will be very romantic, I am sure Arnold is a good lover because he was married one time in the middle of the story to an evil harpy named Teresa, who even though she is evil was all Spanish and foreign-like and was probably a wild lover who taught Arnold a lot about being good in the sack, wow, I am getting so excited thinking about it I think I should go write some more now.
My kids are being really good while I am doing the muse-thing, they are all working ahead on the extra chapters at the end of their math books, you know, the ones we don't usually get to because the school year isn't long enough.
Liz
At 1:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
April Dear,
I really wish that doctor had told me in person about Jim’s needing anti-depressants, rather than chiding me for my communication skills. Perhaps he’s a bit of a misogynist who doesn’t think a grown woman can deal with her husband’s medical problems; or else he is an ageist who thinks I’m too old to carry the responsibility for my husband’s health. To that, I say “Come to the apartment and see how I deal with things, considering I have no help whatsoever from Jim’s family, and after you have seen for yourself the challenges I face, you can make your judgment.” I would especially like for that doctor to be around during the rare times when Elly can take time out of her busy schedule to see her father. I’m expected to bring tea and cakes for her while she sits there and makes snide remarks on how messy the apartment is, and brags about how despite her busy career as a professional retiree she always has time to run the vacuum. Hmph.
I suppose I feel a little hard done these days. The stress of caring for a loved one can be quite crushing at times. I do love Jim with all my heart and would love to see him improve - and in some ways he has – but it is still difficult to anticipate his every want and need. Jim is also very frustrated with his situation and tends to take it out on me, like throwing his food across the room in a fit of anger. I wish I could serve him prime rib, but the fact is that he can’t eat it. I tell him that I too am tired of rice and ground turkey casserole, and mushy veggies, and Postum instead of real coffee, but that as long as he is forced to eat this type of diet, at least his wife is suffering along with him. He seems to get a little comfort from this, but not as much as I’d like.
Well, dear, I shouldn’t have gone on like that. You’re a good girl and we’re always very happy to see you, and your grandfather is fine – just fine! In fact, he’s super. He’s doing better every day, and we’re so thankful to have him here with us. It will be a nice Christmas this year, don’t you think? You’d be so proud of me – I shopped for all our Christmas presents online this year! It was actually quite nice – Jim could help and point to the things he liked, and he was very excited and happy the day the packages arrived. Honestly, I don’t see why your mother has such an issue with online shopping and emails. Even Jim can write and send emails "with ease" and he's had a stroke. Shopping online is so much more pleasant than trying to wade through hundreds of people at the mall. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say your mother keeps doing it simply so she can complain about it – but that wouldn’t be a very nice thing for me to say, now would it? Never mind, dear.
Much Love,
Iris Richards
At 5:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I was working on my list of New Year's Resolutions today. It was then that I realized that on April first, you will attain sixteen years of age. Therefore, my list of resolutions now has only one item:
"Make sweet love to my little April flower!"
I can't wait! I have April 1 circled in red on the calendar of baby animals that Mater got for me. Also, I am studying some of my dad's books on sexual technique. When April 1 comes, I will be ready for you to fulfill your promise!
Devotedly yours, Gerald
At 6:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, anothah weird day. where 2 start? @lunch i guess. gordie duroccher did sum kinda boardin’ stunt again, even tho he wuz just barely healed frum the last 1. i saw him @lunch & all the guy cud say wuz “yes.” i asked vicki simone y he wuzn’t back @hospital & she sed gordie wuz afraid 2 go back cuz of dr. b. foell. he didn’t look 2 bad, cuz he wuz walkin’ ‘round ok & stuff, but if u asked him nething, he just sed, “yes.” shannon lake sed, “i’m…sorry…gordie…can’t…say...nething…but…’yes’.” vicki sed, “well, he’s been in worse shape, haven’t u gordie?” gordie sed, “yes.” vicki sed, “& aftah skool, we’re going 2 go shoppin’ @the jewelry store 4 my xmas gift, aren’t we?” gordie sed, “yes.” vicki sed, “w/ne luck, gordie won’t get bettah till aftah we do a little shoppin’.”
then zandra larson stopped by the table & sed, “i got zapata 2 agree not 2 put a wiccan spell on u. she wuz pretty mad @the way u walked away frum her yestahday.” i sed, “thanx. she wuz serious ‘bout that?” zandra sed, “zapata takes her wiccan spellz v.v. serious.” then she left. vicki sed, “zandra likes u.” shannon lake sed, “yes, zeremy. it wuz obvious.” i sed, “now i know u guyz r making things up. zapata henderson h8es me. anne nichol's niece karen h8es me. zandra larson duzn’t h8 me, but she iz d8ing duncan anderson.” vicki sed, “duzn’t zandra like zeremy, gordie?” gordie sed, “yes.” vicki sed, “there u go.” i know now i don’t have ne kinda “jones allure.” wut i have is “goofy friend” allure.
then there wuz the caroling. the caroling group met aftah skool 2 go caroling 2 sum old peeps homes. we got n the skool bus & it drove us ovah 2 the mboro seniors’ living palace, where ur grandpa & iris live. i tried 2 stay far away frum zapata & karen, cuz they h8 me, & it’s usually bettah 2 stay away frum girls who h8 u. u get less scars that way. we sang sum songs in the seniors’ centre & then the teacher leading the caroling group sed, “ok. now it’s tyme 2 go door 2 door w/ur singing partner.” u may remembah that zapata wuz my singing partner frum yesterday’s practice & i wuz rilly nervous ‘bout this part. zapata came up 2 me & sed, “don’t talk. just sing.” i thot that wuz a rilly good idea.
we knocked on sum old peeps doors & wen they answered we wud sing a song or two (if they gave us sum goodies) & then we went on2 the next door. we eventually got 2 ur grandpa’s place, which i didn’t know if we were on the rite floor 2 do that. iris opened the door & sed, “jeremy. i wuz just finishing my tao meditation. ru & ur new gf here 2 sing 4 us?” zapata growled, “singing partner, not gf.” iris sed, “u2 look so nice 2gethah, u shud think ‘bout b-ing a couple. such nice pale skin. do u bleach it?” zapata sed, “no. it’s naturally pale.” i sed, “wut’s that on the floor, by ur meditation rug?” iris sed, “rice and ground turkey casserole. jim hadda little accident @lunch tyme.”
then we heard a voice frum the back of the apartment. it wuz ur grandpa jim saying sumthing, i dunno wut, mebbe “yes” or “no” or “and”. neway, iris sed, “jim. it’s jeremy jones, the boy who tried 2 kill april all thoze years ago on his bicycle.” i sed, “thass not xxactly rite.” zapata sed, “u tried 2 kill sum1?” i sed, “no. i tried 2 run her down on my bicycle n the middle of the road, but a truck hit me 1st.” zapata sed, “cool. Thass so cold-blooded.”
ur grandpa jim came out on his walker & iris sed, “jim’s here. let’s hear ur song, then.” so, zapata & i were about to sing wen these 2 ladies came runnin’ n2 the door going “hup! hup! hup! hup!” they grabbed ur grandpa & started movin’ his arms & legs ‘round rilly fast. i sed, “who’s that?” iris sed, “thass diane & carole. jim’s nurse & personal care assistant. they work like a precision team.” zapata sed, “aren’t they gonna break him doin’ that?” iris sed, “jim likes it.” then the 2 ladies sed, “massage & bath tyme. hup! hup! hup! hup!” iris sed, “i’m afraid if u2 wanna sing 2 jim, u will hafta sing in the washroom.” zapata sed, “no thanx. i’ve hadda deal w/2 many naked old men already in my life.” iris sed, “oh no. it's all very considerate of his modesty. i try 2 do this, but jim prefers the professionals.” i sed, “how can u have a modest bath?” iris sed, “.diane will climb n2 the tub w/ him fully dressed! he sits on a special seat & she stands & washes his back & his hair. carole gives him a massage, while diane iz washing.” zapata sed, “how duz he get clean if he iz fully dressed?” iris sed, “these ladies r professionals.”
i sed 2 iris, “april told me her grandpa can say ‘yes’ &’no’ & ‘and”. iris sed, “he can also say ‘good’ & ‘big’, but doctor fool wudn’t lissen 2 me.” i sed, “dr. fool?” iris sed, “oh, pardon me. i mean dr. foell. i tried 2 tell him jim knows wut he wants 2 say, but he can't make the rite words come out. he'll answer a question w/a word like ‘biscuits!’ which makes no sense. but it iz pretty funny.” zapata sed, “zeremy. i wanna c how they bathe this old guy w/hiz clothez on. that sounds funny.” we went n the washroom & there wuz ur grandpa jim w/hiz clothez on & 1 woman wuz washing his hair & back & the othah wuz givin’ him a massage & they were all in the tub 2gethah & the ladies were goin’ “hup! hup! hup! hup!”
i sed, “ic. the ladies go under the clothez 2 wash hiz back. but since they can’t c his naked, hairy back, then he keeps his modesty.” zapata sed, “but wut ‘bout the othah parts of his body that get dirty?” the ladies looked @zapata & sed, “we wash them like this. hup! hup! hup! hup!” & then they started washin’ other, more personal parts. zapata & i were in shock. then zapata sed, “no wonder he prefers the professionals.” ur grandpa started 2 say, “yes! yes! yes! ye-e-e-sss! BISCUITS!!!” then we heard iris laffin’ in the hallway. she sed, “it’s so funny wen jim sez that.”
zapata sed, “i needta leave.” i sed, “i’m rite b-hind u.” iris sed, “ru leavin’ so soon? wud u like some of my peanut butter balls & jam thumbprint cookies?” zapata sed, “we’ve seen enuff thumbs & balls.” i sed, “thanx 4 the offer.” iris sed, “well alright. if u hafta go. but come back soon. not 2 many of our friends stop by anymore since jim got back frum hospital. widows & widowers mostly 4 sum reazn.” thass wut we heard az we ran out.
zapata sed, “wut the principal paid me 4 doin’ this iz not enuff.” i agreed. we skipped the rest of the old peeps’ doors & went back 2 join the group. karen & her singin’ partner luis guzmán frum ur band were there w/the rest of the peeps. karen sed, “did u & ur singing partner have a good tyme 2gethah? u were gone longah than every1 else.” zapata sed, “it wuz repellent, reprehensible, repugnant, repulsive, & revolting. i am nevah doin’ this again.” she sed it w/such emotion, karen didn’t say nething else. az soon az we got on the bus, zapata wuz on her cell talkin’ 2 her bf, eldritch. she sed, “eldritch. u were rite & i wuz wrong. i should nevah have agreed 2 join the caroling group. i need 2cu 2nite. there’s sumthin’ i hafta get out my head & i need my bf.” wen the bus go back 2 the skool, eldritch wuz there, w8ing on her & they left rite away. luis sed 2 me, “wut happed, chico?” i sed, “u don’t wanna know.” luis sed, “i know wut u mean. vieja gente are scary.”
& thass wut happed. like i sed. it wuz weird.
At 7:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
man, mike, u luv the puns way, way 2 much!
liz, that story soundz a lot like a creepy fantasy anthony had abt u when u guyz were like 13. i heard him telling gordo abt it a few yrs ago when i was staying with gordo and tracey.
iris, i'm sorry abt my mom. i think yr theory cd b true, that mom only shops so she can complain. i'm gonna stop by after school 2morrow 4 a visit. without mom, promise on that 1!
zeremy, eek. i think i hafta wash my brain now.
ger, i have my birthday circled 2. we're gonna hafta plan an xxtra special d8!
apes
At 9:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I already have the date planned. That is the man's job. I am also planning all the sex acts I want us to do. That is also the man's job. Also, I am looking forward to how we will finally be able to stop doing all those lame things like playing in the band and going out for pizza with friends. Starting April first, we will have something better to do. And we will be doing it all the time.
This is gonna rock.
Gerald
P.S.--I am going to give you a book at school tomorrow that I borrowed from Dad. It is called, Mastering Fellatio, L'Amour de la Bouche Francaise. Dad says this is my big payoff for waiting around like a simpering fool for you all these years. Anyway, this way you will have a few months to study it before you have to start performing.
At 9:48 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, ger, we r soooooo having a serious talk this wkend.
apes
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