Mom shaves her sheets
When U have 2 many ppl cooped up in one house, the weirdest things get their interest. Yesterday afternoon, I was walking by the master bedroom, an' I noticed that Mom, Mike, an' Dee were all in the room. I went in an' was all, "Y is there a crowd in her?" And Mike was all, "Mom's shaving the sheets!" This wasn't xxactly a surprise 2 me, cuz Mom has already xxplained 2 me that she uses a "nice and sharp" razor 2 remove the "fuzzy little balls" that sheets get all over them when they're old. But it seems that Dee an' Mike were both kinda gawking and xxpressing disbelief over the whole thing. So rite after Mike told me what Mom was doing, Mom shrieked, "Oh, 4 heaven's sake!!! THIS IS MY BEDROOM, OK? AND IF I'M SHAVING SUMTHING THAT U THINK IS WEIRD... @ LEAST LET ME DO IT IN PRIVATE!!!"
And it seemz that when Mom was yellin' all that, Dad was in the kitchen havin' coffee an' reading the paper. And of course he'd been oblivious 2 all that had passed just B4 Mom yelled abt shaving sumthing weird. So he did, like, a spit take. Cuz he musta been imagining that Mom was shaving sum part of herself, an' peeps were lookin' and.... OMG, I just made myself a lil ill.
So, well, NEway, Mike sez that being in our house again has him remembering all kindsa things abt, like, the past an' all. And recently, he was looking thru sum foto albums, and sum of the pics reminded him of sumthing that happed in 1991. It was the summer that Mike was to go 2 the farm in Winnipeg. I was just a little over three months old, so of course I remember none of this. But NEway, he decided 2 reminisce abt how he was trying 2 get outta going 2 the farm by getting a summer job. Dad had told him that if he got a "good summer job," he didn't hafta go 2 the farm. And he got Dad's cousin Fiona to offer him a job @ her pool hall. But Dad was having nun of it. Dad's reasons were that the pool hall was 3 blox from the bus stop, it was in a bad neighbourhood, Fiona didn't have "the finest reputation," and that Mike prolly wdn't get paid. Mike was all, "So, U won't let me take the job." And Dad was like, "We won't let U take the job." Mike sez the next thing he did was flop in2 an armchair an' think, "The problem is.... They just don't CARE about me!!!"
Hmm, I guess that was soon after Dadkicked Fiona out helped Fiona find her own place. And she hasn't been welcome in the house since. . . .
Apes
And it seemz that when Mom was yellin' all that, Dad was in the kitchen havin' coffee an' reading the paper. And of course he'd been oblivious 2 all that had passed just B4 Mom yelled abt shaving sumthing weird. So he did, like, a spit take. Cuz he musta been imagining that Mom was shaving sum part of herself, an' peeps were lookin' and.... OMG, I just made myself a lil ill.
So, well, NEway, Mike sez that being in our house again has him remembering all kindsa things abt, like, the past an' all. And recently, he was looking thru sum foto albums, and sum of the pics reminded him of sumthing that happed in 1991. It was the summer that Mike was to go 2 the farm in Winnipeg. I was just a little over three months old, so of course I remember none of this. But NEway, he decided 2 reminisce abt how he was trying 2 get outta going 2 the farm by getting a summer job. Dad had told him that if he got a "good summer job," he didn't hafta go 2 the farm. And he got Dad's cousin Fiona to offer him a job @ her pool hall. But Dad was having nun of it. Dad's reasons were that the pool hall was 3 blox from the bus stop, it was in a bad neighbourhood, Fiona didn't have "the finest reputation," and that Mike prolly wdn't get paid. Mike was all, "So, U won't let me take the job." And Dad was like, "We won't let U take the job." Mike sez the next thing he did was flop in2 an armchair an' think, "The problem is.... They just don't CARE about me!!!"
Hmm, I guess that was soon after Dad
Apes
Labels: crowded house, Dad, Dee, Mike, Mom
posted by April Patterson @ 7:53 AM
6 Comments:
At 3:18 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes,
No fun here. I 4got 2 tell u the World Cup 4 cricket is on & sum of the matches r being played in Barbados, I guess I rilly wasnt thinking much abt nething xcept the Snitch. Ppl r lined up out the door 2 get in2 Redd Hott Bajan Mammas 2 watch the opening ceremonies. This is the 1st break Ive had all day.
Im a dishwasher. Oh man I h8 the smell of bleach. I hope this gig doesnt reck my fingers. I want 2 get home & play my cube new bass.
L8r.
MCDunc
p.s. Charles Wallace, if you r reading this, tell the Snitch Im playing matinees & hanging w/ my groupies @ the beach. Thanx, d00d.
At 4:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. When my lovely wife Deanna, spotted our mother shaving the sheets with a razor, I think all my stories of how extraordinarily frugal mom is finally rang true with her. Deanna was raised in a life of privilege. Her mother regularly demonstrated her overspending ways by actually buying new sheets whenever the old ones started to get thin and make those fuzzy little balls. When I pointed at the sheets in mom’s house and I would say they were the same sheets we had when I was growing up, I don’t think Deanna truly believed me. Now she does. Our mom is great at handling money. She has plenty of money saved for retirement, and fancy Crevasses and annual Mexican vacations. Deanna says mom should spend a little money upgrading her wardrobe, but after the incident with the boots on the ice, I don’t think that is going to happen.
The only problem with your story is that you neglected to leave out the things that happened later. After dad overheard mom talking about shaving, he went to his choo-choo room, and I don’t think he has left it since, and Deanna specifically told our daughter not to go to the choo-choo room and bother Granddaddy John until he was done.
Elizabeth, however, when she discovered mom was shaving her sheets, immediately told mom she wanted the razor after she was done with it. Mom was so excited there was another sheet shaver in the household. As she put it, “It’s better than her being three sheets to the wind.” I think everyone is in agreement with that statement, although it is curious that Elizabeth wanted to shave her sheets in the washroom with the door locked. I guess she wants to avoid Deanna staring at her.
I enjoyed your remembrance about my failed attempt to work for Cousin Fiona Brass. I think my life would have been different if I had been allowed to work there. I would have a lot of stories to tell about my time there; I would be a lot better at playing pool; and I might have even stayed together with Martha McRae, since I wouldn’t have gone on the trip to the farm; and maybe I could have gotten to know Cousin Fiona a little better and converted her from her evil ways. Dad tells me he made the right decision that day and someday I would realize he was right. It hasn’t happened. Maybe when I am 40.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m leavin’ 2morrow 2 go 2 sea world. zapata asked me 2 get her sumthin’, i think mainly cuz she cud ask 4 me 2 do that in fronta her bf eldritch. ‘course eldritch wunts sumthin’ 2. i dunno mebbe matchin’ shamu keychainz or sumthin’ wud b good. zenobia sed she didn’t wunt nething & so did zandra, but then zandra changed her mind & told me 2 bring her back sumthin’ she cud wear 2 skool, so i guess no t-shirts which say this guy i know in high school went 2 sea world & all i got wuz this lousy t-shirt.. mebbe shamu socks. thoze wud b black & white & kinda gothic. do u want me 2 get u sumthin’? like judgin’ frum the way ur mom iz, mebbe sum new bedsheets. that soundz kinda 4ward i guess, but seriously, if u wunt sum shamu bedsheets, i will be happ 2 get them.
At 4:35 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, wow, that doesn't sound like fun. tho i guess it's better than if u'd stayed home an' taken 2 yr bed again, eh?
mike, wha? i neglected 2 leave out what happed l8r? that means i didn't leave thoze things out, but mayB u wanted me 2? neway, i didn't know abt that other stuff. hm, i did notice liz had bandages on her wrists. mayB leaving her w/razors unsupervised is a v. v. bad idea.
jeremy, shamu sheets r not a bad idea. i did buy myself new sheets when i refurnished my bedrm, but i think i will hafta burn them when/if i ever get my room back. obvious reasons! since i hafta stay in milboro like always, i will get my friends sum "milboro" tourist stuff. like, "milboro. middle of nowhere" postcards.
apes
At 4:39 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Jones, I wasnt @ the DQ cos my dad woke me up @ 5 am & told me 2 pack cos I was going 2 Barbados. I dont think u rilly showed but Ill give u another chance.
Ill c u bhind the DQ when I get back. Dont bring yr gf 4 backup. I dont hit girls.
At 2:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
duncan, "my dad made me miss". i've heard that xxcuse b4. if i hadda gf, which i don't, i wudn't need her 2 fite u. altho, now that i think 'bout it, almost every gf i evah did have cud kick ur butt. well, mebbe not tangi origami, but all the othahs cud.
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