April's Real Blog

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

My story, it progresses slowly

So the next bit abt my trip @ the mall has nuthin' 2 do w/Becky OR refugees, but instead w/w8ing 4 my MOM 2 show up. I was all telling Eva that Mom was supposta meet me there, and then Eva spotted Mom, and I yelled really loud, "ELLY!" And I kinda saw Mom visibly stiffen up her entire body, tho I cdn't C her facial xxpression since she was facing away from us. Eva was all, "April, U call yr mother by her 1st name?" And I was, like, "Yeah. It's something my sister taut me... If U yell "Mom" in here... EVERY1 turns around!"

And that's it 4 this installment. Sorry so little.

Dunc, "Y" what? Y did Charles Wallace Larson help U w/yr netnanny settings? Y did Zandra--well, U know? Something else?

Apes

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posted by April Patterson @ 6:46 AM  

8 Comments:

  • At 1:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, as u prolly know frum spendin’ tyme @eva’s house, she nevah calls her mom nething othah than mom, mother, mrs. abuya or her superheroine name. thass prolly y she wuz so shocked 2 hear u yell “elly”.

    2day, i hadda deal w/zapata henderson wavin’ ‘round those tix i gave her yesterday 4 gettin’ accept @trent university. she wuz showin’ them off 2 zenobia & zandra, wen i wuz walkin’ by. she sed, “hey boyfriend.” then “hey, loverboy.” then “hey, studmuffin.” then “hey, sweetie pie.” then “hey, honey bunch.” i just kept on walkin’. then zenobia yelled, “JEREMY!” & turned ‘round & went back 2c wut she wunted.” zapata sed, “u come wen zenobia callz, but not wen i call. iz there sumthin’ goin’ on between u2?” i sed, “sorry. i thot u were callin’ 2 ur bf, eldritch.” zapata sed, “do u c eldritch around?” i sed no. then zapata sed, “then i musta been callin’ u.”

    i sed, “wudya wunt?” zapata sed, “i wuz just showin’ zandra & zenobia the tix u gave me az congratulationz 4 gettin’ accepted @trent.” i sed, “do zandra & zenobia wunt tix 2, since they got accepted?” zapata sed, “no. they don’t.” zenobia sed, “i do. so duz zandra.” zandra sed, “not me.” zenobia sed, “girls night out. good tyme 2 4get thoze cheatin’ guyz.” zandra sed, “i’m not in the mood 4 a concert. who’s playin’?” i sed, “heaven and hell, the new black sabbath @the air canada centre, march 22.” zandra sed, “mebbe. it kinda matches my mood.” zenobia sed, “good.” i handed ovah sum more comp tix 2 zandra & zenobia. zapata wuz livid. she sed, “no. no. no. it’s not special, if u hand them out 2 every1.” i sed, “i don’t have enuff comps 4 every1 who got accepted in university. thass like 25/26 of every1 in grade 12.” zandra sed, “25/26?” i sed, “every1 xxcept the peeps with the last name startin’ w/’k’” zenobia sed, “we’ll go 2gethah, zapata & zandra, just like old tymez.” zapata sed, “i wuz gonna take eldritch.” zenobia sed, “ask zahava or zainab. we haven’t done nethin’ w/them in awhile.”

    i kinda left them 2 talk it out. az i left i ran n2 gerald who sed 2 me, “i wuz @the mall w/eva & luis & april, & then wen luis started talkin’ ‘bout his life az a refugee, april & eva walked off & left me there.” i sed, “u hadda lissen 2 luis do his refugee routine?” gerald sed, “yes. all of it.” i sed, “i feel ur pain, man. i heard it 1 tyme & that wuz enuff 4 me.” but gerald wuz moanin’ on ‘bout how u cud like him if he made him suffer like that. u may wanna have a talk w/him.

     

  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    It's good you give your sister credit for teaching you how to get your mother's attention in public. I know many people who use the same method, although I am bit surprised to learn that the shopping population at the Milborough Mall consists mainly of mothers.

    Today Mr. Gluttson introduced me to the staff of Portrait Magazine. He called a meeting and he started off a speech saying, “As the publisher of Portrait Magazine, I welcome this opportunity to validate my association by saying that I consider myself implementational in the enabling of our team to focus, prioritize, and access our potential for proactivity. To this end, I have completed an extensive job search looking for candidates to fill the position of senior editor, to find someone who will meet the common set of expectations across the magazine enterprise for senior editor, someone will foster better communication and team work between functional and managerial organizations, someone who through better communication and teamwork will meet our corporate goals, someone who can take orders, and will give 2-week’s advance notice when he leaves a…” Then someone yelled, “Bingo!” And he was holding a card, which said, “Buzzword” on it. I noticed several other people holding the same card. I said, “Can I see that card?” The man handed it to me and I wasn’t surprised to find at the bottom right hand side of the card written “copyright 2006. Michael Patterson."

    After the meeting was over, I talked to the man who yelled out “Bingo!” His name was Al. I said, “What’s the deal with the cards?” Al said, “It was Michael Patterson’s idea. If you have a hard time staying awake during Gluttson’s boring meetings, you play Buzzword Bingo based on his speeches. Mike would make up new cards, put them in a big blue folder, and hand them out before each meeting. It works great. I haven’t fallen asleep during a Gluttson meeting in months. Michael Patterson was a great boss. I never can seem to remember not to yell ‘Bingo’ out loud. We’re supposed to use a hand signal.” I said, “Michael Patterson has been gone for a few weeks now. Who makes up the cards?” Al said, “That’s the best part. Before Michael left, one of his last acts was to make up hundreds of cards. He was the best boss. Not only did he sacrifice his job so no one else would get laid off, but every time I play Buzzword Bingo, I’ll remember him. Now, if I can just remember not to say, ‘Bingo’, and use the hand signal.”

    I think I have found another person to lay off from Portrait Magazine.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 2:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. “Your sister taught you?” Give credit where credit is due. It was my daughter who taught you that trick. The other night at the dinner table when she called out “Mom” and Deanna and our mom and Elizabeth all leapt to their feet, and then they had the argument about who was truly a mother. I clearly remember my daughter saying to you, “I think I will say ‘Deanna’ from now on.”

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 3:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Mom is always going on and on about what a delicate genius Mike is, well I told her today, I said, "I'm a genius too you know, I taught April to call you Elly when she wants to get your attention," and then the weirdest thing happened, Mom got this kind of "caveman" look on her face and black smoke came out her ears, it was a very strange reaction to genius I think, and Mike you are a liar, it was my idea, not Merrie's, you are just trying to grab all the genius credit for yourself.

    Liz

     

  • At 6:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, it must b cube 2 b able 2 get so many comp tix 2 concerts!

    howard, soundz like u r gonna end up w/quite a list of possible firees f.r portrait.

    so, liz red me what mike wrote an' asked me 2 comment. liz taut me her "elly" trick long b4 mike, dee, an' the kidlets started staying w/us. mike is wrong, as usual.

    apes

     

  • At 6:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Michael, I see you never responded to my last post to you yesterday. Well, you might be interested to know that when Apes and I met up w/your mom at the mall, I happened to mention that you insist on calling the rec room a storage closet, and saying that April's room is now your room (like permanently) even though they both get April upset.

    Your mom at first kinda tried to pass off April's upset as "princessy over-reaction." But I pointed out that "as a person from another cultural background," I see your insisting on this behaviour as "highly disrespectful." Your mother blinked a couple of times and said, "You're right! Of course! This is the reason I encourage my children to have culturally diverse friends! Well, Michael's disrespectful behaviour is about to end, unless he wants to end up in a homeless shelter in Toronto, eating at soup kitchens!"

    Thought you might want to know.

    Eva

     

  • At 10:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Eva Abuya,

    I didn’t see your response yesterday. I think when you were responding I was too busy trying to get my kids to bed to read it. Thanks to your conversation with my mother, mom said I need to refer to the storage closet where April sleeps as something other than a storage closet. April suggested it be called her apartment, and that did set mom off for quite some time. The basic point mom was trying to make was that April is too young for an apartment. April pointed out that Elizabeth had lived in an apartment, and that point did not sit well with mom either because it brought up the subject of Eric Chamberlain and Constable Paul Wright, i.e., a girl who lives in an apartment encourages men to cheat on them. Needless to say, the idea of calling it an apartment did not work. April then suggested it be called its original name of rec room, and then dad walked by and looked at it and declared that based on April’s cleaning abilities, it should be called a “wreck room”. Mom liked that idea and said it met with her approval. So, thanks to your interference, April is now sleeping in the “wreck room”. There’s a lesson to be taught there, but I am not sure what it is.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 6:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Challah! It has been a vayle since I last wrote here, I know, but it could not be helped! I was very busy once I became the newest editor of Portrait. Oy, but those were such happy days for me! Unfortuntely, they were only days, as that wife of mine found out what was going on and put an end to it faster than a mohel puts an end to a shmekl! My plan was to tell her that I was out all day doing some gardening while I was actually at the office. Little did I suspect that she'd actually check on this! When she found me gone and the car missing, she knew something was up. By the time I got home that night, our bags were packed, the condo was sold, and we were on our way to some new, even smaller condo far, far away from Portrait and all my hopes and dreams. Lovey said, "see, this is why I always kept you away from people! You get a little taste of freedom, and you go off and think you're an editor now? Well, Mr. Hearst, I'll show you! You want to garden so bad? Now you can tend to some geraniums for the rest of your days!" And, indeed, our new condo has a huge geranium garden. I was so upset that I didn't even have the energy to tell Lovey that William Randolph Hearst was a publisher, not an editor, and that if anything I was more like his granddaughter Patty Hearst, in that I was being held captive against my will and on the verge of snapping. I wanted to say that, but I didn't. Instead, I remain here in my new garden, making flowers flourish and thrive instead of middling Toronto publications.

     

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