April's Real Blog

Friday, March 09, 2007

Freedom, Opinions, and Decisions

As Mom and I were leaving the Mega Mall with our shopping bags, the other day, I was totally thinking, "My life is, like, totally controlled by other ppl... What I wear, what I do, where I go...." As I was fastening my seatbelt in Mom's car, I was thinking, "I want 2 B treated like an adult. I want the freedom 2 choose... 2 have an opinion... 2 make a decision and B respected 4 the decision I make!!" Then Mom interrupted my thots w/"I don't feel like cooking 2nite, honey... Shd we get pizza or Chinese food?" I shrugged and went, "I dunno."

Yeah, I have a feeling there mite B sum ppl out there (mostly the over-60 crowd, tho not U, Gramps an' Iris), who R all, "LOLness, April wants to make decisions and have her opinions listened 2, and yet when she gets the chance, she's all I dunno-like." But that's not it, foax, I wanna B listened 2 over decisions that MATTER, not takeout dinner choices. And I didn't really feel like pizza OR Chines. Indian wda been cube, but my Mom has trub w/spicy foods an' alwayz vetoes suggestions like that.

Jeremy, Y U harshing on me over me trying 2 help Dunc w/his mom over the whole Zenia sitch? Dunc told me he an' Zandra were already broken up when all that happed, so it wdn't count as "cheating."

Apes

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posted by April Patterson @ 6:36 AM  

13 Comments:

  • At 10:31 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Jer, if I didnt thank u 4 the tix b4, Im thanking u now by not smashing yr face in @ skool 2day.

    Stay away from Zed.

    p.s. Apes, my 'rents werent talking @ brekkie this am. They prolly dont agree on whether I get 2 go 2 Barbados. Mayb theyll tell me 2nite.

     

  • At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i guess if u wanna b listened 2 over decisions that matter, then i guess a good way 2 start iz by givin’ ur opinion 2 duncan’z mom. i know duncan’z mom will prolly treat u like an adult wen u tell her it wuzn’t duncan’s fault. aftah all, he had no will of his own when he spent the nite w/zenia parkinson aka the picton peeler @mackenzie bowell & his ‘rents didn’t know where he wuz. the guy who posted 2day he wud smash my face, if i didn’t stay away frum zandra larson is a complete innocent.

    az 4 ur mom, i think keepin’ her away frum indian food iz a rilly good idea. i remembah wut happed aftah she had ur dad’s 3-bean chili. if she had indian food, the whole town of mboro wud smell like vindaloo 4 a week.

     

  • At 12:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. As usual you have gotten so caught up in your little teenager angst you missed an opportunity to show true independence. You seem to have forgotten how often it is that mom gets takeout food for the family meal, which is close to never. Mom considers Chinese food to be a special occasion. You may have forgotten, it was over Chinese food, she sold her store to Moira Kinney. For her to announce she was going to have one of the special occasions and for her to give you the choice of food was a great honour.

    But don’t feel too bad little sis. When I was a teenager, and the time came for me to make the decision, I must admit I also failed to make a choice. In fact, when you get right down to it, most of what you have talked about this week (with exception of the young man talking about being a refugee), seems very familiar, as if you or other members of our family have had the same things happen to them over and over again, like our lives were being written by a 60-year-old woman completely out of original ideas and who was badly in need of a good set of gag writers. That’s a horrifying thought.

    I am certainly glad you didn’t pick spicy Indian food. My children are not really ready for that yet. My son saw a television show where a vindaloo mutates and tries to take over a ship. Indian food can be very frightening to the young. He asked me how I would defeat the vindaloo mutation and I said I would have Auntie Lizardbreath breathe on it. My kids laughed. It's good to have a moment of levity to alleviate childish fears.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Thanks a whole bunch, April, Mom got so mad after April wouldn't choose, she went home and stomped inside and pulled out her biggest casserole dish and started slamming cabinets as she grabbed random cans and started throwing the contents into the casserole dish, I even saw her reach into the pet food cabinet a few times, but when I tried to say something, Mom just said, "Shut up and get me the french-fried onions!" so I went out to the garage to get some scoops out of that vat of french-fried onions she bought at that warehouse store, anyway, when she put it on the table, it smelled so bad none of us wanted to eat it, but Mom screamed, "TAKEOUT FOOD WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR SISTER, SO BY GOD, I BURNED THE BUTT OFF THIS CASSEROLE JUST FOR YOU ALL, NOW EAT!!!", thanks a lot, you know what the problem is when seven people live in a house and eat dog food casserole together, and that house has only two toilets, because there is one in the upstairs bathroom, and one in my personal bathroom, but the master bathroom downstairs is totally empty with no plumbing at all, is that the lines form and everybody has to wait to get relief, and you really need relief, like every few minutes or so, Dad threatened to use the sink in his workshop but Mom said she would smash his trains if he did, of course there is a toilet in the laundry room, but everyone knows the toilet and the sink take up so much room in there a person can't actually get inside to use it, even if there was a door to that bathroom, which there isn't, it's walled off, but you know what I mean, anyway, that mess was all your fault April.

    Liz

     

  • At 5:36 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Sometimes being an adult and having to make tough choices is not such a great thing. As you know, Mr. Gluttson has charged me with the task of laying off people at Portrait Magazine. Most of the persons I have found who would be the best choices are coincidentally the persons who most liked and admired your brother’s work here as senior editor. I’m afraid it may look like I am intentionally firing my enemies and not simply the laziest slackers in the magazine’s employ. I was at work this morning puzzling over how to do it, when Morrie Saltzman walked in. I said, “Morrie. How did you get away from Lovey today?” Morrie said, “Lovey had a meeting with Josef Weeder and Carleen Stein over the sale of the old Heritage House apartments and Lovey didn’t want me around. She said I would be like a kochleffel in financial negotiations. So I came here. I have something to show you outside.”

    So we went outside my/our office and Morrie went to the desk of Francine, the assistant to the senior editor. He picked up a paper and said, “Farshtaist? What do you make of this?” I looked at the sheet of paper and it was a letter written to Mr. Gluttson. It said:

    Mr. Gluttson,

    We object to the choice of Howard Bunt and Morrie Saltzman as the co-senior editors. Their assistant, Francine does all their work for them. We, the undersigned feature editors, would like you to hire back Michael Patterson. Ever since Michael Patterson left, there’s been trouble here. Everyone’s on edge. We’re not a team anymore.

    Signed the Feature Editors.

    Then there was a list of names. I said to Morrie, “I think I would be more nervous if all these signatures didn’t look alike.” Morrie said, “It’s very genaivisheh shtiklech . Someone is trying to get us fired.” I said, “I think Francine must have been very fond of Michael Patterson.” Morrie said, “He was her Gelibteh.” I have something else to show you. Come back into our office.” We went back in. He said, “Now pretend you are plagen, thinking very hard about something and you need help.” I did as he asked. Moorie said, “Francine is back. I’ll go get her.” Then Morrie brought Francine into the office and said, “See Francine. Howard is as confused as a goy in shul. You should do that thing you showed me you did for Michael Patterson to help him.” Francine said, “Alright. If you think it will help.”

    Then Francine left and went to the women’s wash room. She came back with her hair in a pony tail and wearing an all black pants suit. Morrie whispered to me, “Now comes the really odd part.” Francine reached in her desk and pulled out a big muppet nose which she put over her real nose. I gasped. I said, “I know who that is” Morrie said, “It’s the shemevdik man who used to live in the apartment over Lovey and me.” I said, “I never would have thought that Francine with her hair in a ponytail, wearing all black and a muppet nose, would look so much like Josef Weeder.” Morrie said, “She’s not done yet. She does a dance with her hinten.” I said, ‘Hinten?” Morrie said, “You’ll see.” Sure enough, Francine turned around so her backside was facing towards me and she started to shake her backside around. I said, “Is there much more to this?” Francine said, “No. Usually that was enough to inspire Mike. He said he would have never gotten through his novel, if it weren’t for me.”

    Morrie said, “I think Mike was a little faigelah.” I said to Morrie, “Do you like this?” Morrie said, “I’m no faigelah. I thought you should see it, because I think everyone knows you are a faigelah.” I said, “Not like this.” I said to Francine, “Please stop. Please never do this again. Also, if our predecessor, Mr. Patterson, did anything else while you were doing this, please never tell me what it was.” Francine looked startled. She said, “Michael Patterson and I were a great team. We were doing so well! We were turning a good profit. You two will never be half the man Michael Patterson was.” Morrie said, “G-d forbid! That kind of man, I could stand to be a much smaller percentage than half.”

    Francine turned to leave in huff, when Morrie said, “I think we have another for the list.” Francine stopped in her tracks and said, “What list?” I said, “Mr. Gluttson wants us to find people to lay off to improve the profits.” Francine said, “But Michael Patterson sacrificed his job so that wouldn’t happen.” Morrie said, “What a shlub he was. When the boss wants you to get rid of people, you stay around to make sure you protect your people, the balebatisheh yiden. You leave, then there is no one to protect them.” Francine said, “It’s because you took his position. Two people get paid for doing his job.” I said, “I work for food and time out of prison.” Morrie said, “I only get paid part-time. I don’t know why that shmegegi Patterson thought his salary would be enough, or Mr. Gluttson wouldn’t need a senior editor. He must have been a draikop.” Francine said, “Don’t say that. He was the best boss ever.”

    I said, “He didn’t love you.” Francine said, “Liar.” I said, “I can prove it. Michael Patterson writes a family letter every month and puts it on his mother’s website.” I went to the computer and went to your mother’s website. With some quick typing I said, “The number of times the name Francine comes up is once. In his most recent letter he wrote, “I handed my letter to my assistant, Francine, hugged her goodbye and left the building.” Morrie said, “He handed his resignation letter to his assistant and not to Mr. Gluttson? What a shlemiel!” I said, “The number of times he refers to Josef Weeder is 62. The number of times he refers to his wife, Deanna is 69. Here is one reference to the new front desk girl and her cleavage.” Morrie said, “Oy! Maybe he is not a complete faigelah.”

    Francine said, “He wrote about that slutty front desk girl and not about me until he leaves!!!” I said, “Sorry, but it’s true.” Francine said, “After I got him his job, and I practically did all his work for him, so he would be able to spend time on his novel.” Morrie said, “It’s a shandeh un a charpeh! Howard, we can’t lay off this poor young lady.” I said, “I agree.” Then Morrie’s cell phone rang and he said, “It’s Lovey. I have to get downstairs or she’s going back to Barrie without me. Let me think. I might want to stay. But no. Lovey says she will come up and get me, if I don’t hurry. Good-bye!” I said, “Good-bye. See you whenever you get free again.” Morrie was already on the elevator down. Francine said, “I feel so foolish.” I said, “Francine, if you have a moment, I would love to introduce to you something I call a shamp-Oh. After you have one of those, you will forget all about Michael Patterson.”

    And she did. I think I have made a new friend at work.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 6:34 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    STFU, Jones. Ill c u bhind Horny Ts @ 8 am 2morrow.

    Mayb Apes will visit u in hospital like she did b4.

    L8r.

     

  • At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    MCDunce, 8 am. kinda early 4 me. i didn’t evn know u got up that early. i dunno if i gonna b up that early on a saturday.

    rite now i am out on a d8, cuz sum idiot decided 2 tell his ex-gf he didn’t like me givin’ her comp tix. & that same idiot decided 2 say this st00pid thing rite in fronta zenobia & zapata. & zenobia found me & sed, “wut r doin’ 2nite, jeremy?” & like an idiot, i sed, “nothin’.” insteada sayin’ “watchin’ hockey” like i shoulda sed.

    so i am in the megaplex theatre watchin’ 300 w/zenobia, zapata, zandra & eldritch; & it’s all ur freakin’ fault. zapata & eldritch will not shut up. they fite all the freakin’ tyme. it’s a good thing the visualz in 300 r way cube.

    this is the scariest part. 1 of the persians in 300 has purple lips like u do. i nevah rilly understood how bloodthirsty girls can get wen 1 of their own haz been cheated on, until 2nite. they r definitely cheerin’ on the spartans 2 kill the purple-lipped guy.

    aftah this it’s off 2 the 3 kronen 2 help zandra do karaoke, cuz the guy who usedta help her haz turned n2 sum kinda freakin’ idiot. oh well. mebbe they’ll have hockey on there. i think edmonton & vancouver play 2nite. i wudn’t come 2 the 3 kronen 2nite, if i were u. if zenobia’z there, she’ll kick ur butt.

     

  • At 9:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gah, y r peeps ganging up on me? jeremy, what r u getting all sarcastic w/me 4? i didn't do nething 2 u, and y r u even getting involved?

    howard, mayB i shd just get a job w/u an' morrie @ portrait after i turn 16. mayB i cd live w/1 one of thoze "gruntled" peeps.

    apes

     

  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Wow, we were just @ the megaplex 2 c Zodiac, we being me, Vanessa, Valerie & Violetta. Gordie broke his coccyx again skating off junker Pavos @ the town dump, so I'm havinga girlz nite out. Jeremy, he just txt'd me 2 tell u that if u do get beat up & have 2 be taken 2 St. Michael's Hospital, it'd b cube 2 play Gears of War w/u. His mom brot him his Xbox 350 2 use there, hella cool of her.

    So I won't give much away about Zodiac, other than that it's cube but hella long, so don't buy an xra lrg Diet Coke 2 drink during the movie. Jeremy, Valerie asked me if I could ask u to get us tix 2 c 1 of 2 acts @ the Kool Haus: Black Label Society on March 30 or Incubus on May 23. I said I would if u didn't end up @ the hospital. I don't want the V-girls 2 exploit me 4 knowing u, u know?

    Now Violetta wants 2 know if we all wanna go 2 Denny's or IHOP. Maybe we'll c u & the Z-girls there!

    Apes, if u can get out, I'll let u know where we decide 2 go. I'll buy u dinner 2 make up 4 yr mom's shideous casserole!

    Vicks

     

  • At 9:49 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    OMG, I totally meant the Xbox 360. We stopped @ Horny Tim's on the way & I'm WAY jacked up on mochas. The 350 soundz like an illegal South Korean knockoff u'd buy @ an electronics expo.

    Vicks

     

  • At 11:07 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Jer, d00d, u die 2morrow. @ 9 am. @ the DQ, cos the back of Horny Ts is the drive-thru.

    U will envy the colour of my lips @ 9:01 am when u dont have ne nemore.

    MCDunC

    p.s. Stay away from Zed. I rilly, rilly mean it this time.

     

  • At 11:09 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Y?

     

  • At 2:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicks, i don’t get 2 many comp tix 4 small venue places unless it’s 4 up-&-comin’ groups no1 knows ‘bout, but i will c wut i can do ‘bout black label society on march 30 or incubus on may 23 @ the kool haus. don’t worry ‘bout me getting’ beat up & in hospital. mom, future dad & future sis have march break planz 2 go to 2 california 4 sea world, & if duncan put me in hospital so i hadda miss the trip; he wud find himself on the bad side of my mom & she is deadly w/a fryin’ pan. howevah, i mite go ovah 2 st. mike’s & play sum gears of war w/gordie on his 360. it wud b nice 2b ‘round sum guy who iz not bat shit crayzee 4 a change. karaoke is just finishin’ up here @the 3 kronen. it’s not 2 bad a gig, xxcept 4 all the requests 4 swedish pop songs & havin’ 2 get refills of carrot juice all the tyme.

     

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