Coat shopping with Mom
So the whole reason 4 Mom meeting me @ the mall the other day was 2 get me a new winter jacket. Mom wanted me 2 get one that was ugly but "practical." I wanted a cute, "impractical" jacket, but Mom wdn't pay 4 that kind. So did we compromise? MayB, stay tuned.
I was a bit distressed that while I was shopping w/Mom, I had the impression that my butt was nearly flat. But I suppose a flat-butt day is better than a fat-but day. I also noticed that my bangs were in my eyes. I hadn't realized they'd gotten so long. Guess it's time 4 a trim. I'd like a new 'do al2gether, but U know what happens when I try that. :(
Mike, since "rec room" and "wreck room" sound the same, whatevs. Sumtymez homonyms rescue us from the st00pidity that is Dad's punnage.
Morrie, sorry U R such a prisoner 2 Lovey!
Apes
I was a bit distressed that while I was shopping w/Mom, I had the impression that my butt was nearly flat. But I suppose a flat-butt day is better than a fat-but day. I also noticed that my bangs were in my eyes. I hadn't realized they'd gotten so long. Guess it's time 4 a trim. I'd like a new 'do al2gether, but U know what happens when I try that. :(
Mike, since "rec room" and "wreck room" sound the same, whatevs. Sumtymez homonyms rescue us from the st00pidity that is Dad's punnage.
Morrie, sorry U R such a prisoner 2 Lovey!
Apes
Labels: boring, crowded house, Dad, Mike, Mom, stupid puns
posted by April Patterson @ 6:20 AM
16 Comments:
At 9:09 AM,
howard said…
April,
Becky tells me when she saw you at the mall, you had your pants pulled up to your navel, your sweater tucked in, and your belt pulled tight to keep them both there. She also mentioned you didn't even have a cute purse to carry your things. Becky blames it on the Eva influence, and possibly your mom. I blame myself. The description of these most basic fashion faux pas brings tears to my eyes.
The trial and being imprisoned have kept me from going shopping with you in several months. Unfortunately, I am either at Mimico Correctional Centre, or Portrait Magazine, or on the transport between the two. So, I can't help you. I have a new motivation for being acquitted now. I hope I will be freed so I can free you from your frumpy fashion prison.
Howard Bunt
At 12:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, wen ur bangs get so long u can’t see & u run n2 a wall, then they needta be trimmed. i gotta agree w/u there. i heard ‘bout ur accident. i hope ur alright. there’s sum peeps who r sayin’ luis guzmán’s gf pushed u n2 the wall, cuz she heard ‘bout u flirtin’ w/luis @the mall. i dunno if thass true or not. lemme know if u need nethin’.
At 1:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. One of the great joys of my life was when I got married. From that time on, I no longer had to suffer from my mother’s questionable fashion sense, but instead suffer from my wife’s questionable fashion sense. Fortunately for me, there are fewer questions about my wife than my mother when it comes to fashion. Thanks to Deanna, I have a very large collection of turtle neck sweaters, all of which show off my form and figure to best effect.
My wife comes from a family where the tradition is to buy the winter clothes before winter and not a few weeks before the calendar officially declares it to be spring. In my youth, I hated going into the mall to buy winter clothes in March and to see the pitiful selection on the sales rack at the Prude Dude clothing store, and listen to the sales clerk say the selection was much better back in September.
In many respects you are fortunate that your body has essentially gone unchanged for the last few years. Otherwise that coat you have been wearing since you got it back in 2004, would no longer fit you. You may have the body of a 13-year-old, but at least you don’t have to worry about clothes being too small for you. Deanna assures me that having the body of a 13-year-old girl is very fashionable these days, and many of the Hollywood actresses try to trim themselves down to those kinds of sizes.
Mom says you bumped your head at school due to your hair getting in your eyes. I think she plans to give you a refresher lesson in proper bunning when you get home. She regrets not giving you the lesson after your mall trip.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't know why you're questioning Mom's shopping genius, I always follow her advice, that is why my wardrobe looks like hers, we go shopping together at the Sensible Schoolmarm and Modest Matron collections, it's the best, you know, they have a Prudent Preteen collection too, maybe we should take you sometime!
Liz
At 5:55 PM,
howard said…
April,
It has been an interesting day on Portrait Magazine. Shortly after I got to work, the publisher, Mr. Gluttson brought in an elderly man and said to me, “Howard Bunt. This is Morrie Saltzman.” I said, “My predecessor.” Mr. Gluttson corrected me by saying, “Co-senior editor.” Then Mr. Saltzman said, “Only when I can escape from my yuchna, Lovey. She was having a garden party today, and like most days when she is entertaining, she wanted me inside so I wouldn’t embarrass her. I was sitting there on my tuchus, when I thought. ‘I could get on Hwy-400 South, be in Toronto is just over an hour, do a little work, and come back before Lovey notices.’ So here I am.” Mr. Gluttson said, “Morrie. I’m happy to have a mensch like you here anytime you can come.” I said, “Are we sharing the same office?” Mr. Gluttson said, “Morrie doesn’t take up much space.”
So Morrie and I went back to the office and I said, “Mr. Gluttson said I needed to lay off some people.” Morrie said, “Oy. It’s a shonda you have to be like a Shabbes goy, doing the dirty work for others. I didn’t get finished with that before Lovey insisted on buying that condo in Barrie next to her sister. Who do you have so far?” I said, “I have Al, the Buzzword Bingo player; and Mike the guy who keeps asking me about Michael Patterson’s book.” Morrie said, “Good choices. They are both zshlubs. Let me show you a group of foilers which deserve your attention.”
Then Morrie led me to a set of cubicles over which hung a large sign saying, “The DisGruntleds” Morrie said, “Now, try to give one of these people an assignment.” I said, “As it turns out, I have one to give. Stephen Harper is in Toronto and his people suggested that he would be available for an extensive interview.” Morrie said, “Give it a try.” So I went into the cubicle area and said, “I have an assignment.” The people ignored me. I said, “Tell me. Why do you have the sign which says, ‘The DisGruntleds’? One person said, “We’re really busy here, but if you’ll leave, I tell you the reason.” I said, “Alright.” The man said, “The Disgruntleds are the people who want change, make an effort, get beaten down and enjoy grousing about it.” I said, “And how did you feel about Michael Patterson?” The man said, “He was one of us. He even came up with our name.” I said, “He sounds very admirable. What are working on that keeps you so busy?” The man sighed and said, “You said you would leave if I told you what ‘Disgruntleds’ means.” I said, “Sorry. Do you still keep in contact with Michael Patterson?” The man said, “Sometimes we pass freelance jobs to him and he passes some to us. Ben writes commercials. Chris does animation scripts from outlines provided by a crew in Vancouver - 26 episodes at a time. He’s very busy. Harriet edits textbooks. When Mike sees something like that, he usually passes it on to us.” I said, “So that’s what you’re doing.” The man said, “Sure.” I said, “At the same time you’re working for Portrait?” The man said, “Sure. Michael Patterson did it all the time. He was constantly working on his freelance and his novel here.” I said, “So you all are too busy to take an assignment?” The man said, “Is it freelance?” I said, “No. It’s for Portrait.” The man said, “What is it?” I said, “Interviewing Stephen Harper.” The man said, “Typical management assignment. No one under 25 will read that. One of things Michael Patterson tried to do was to change Portrait from a chronicle of the country's most accomplished and out standing individuals to one that appeals to a younger audience. So if your assignment was to cover the exploits of certain youthful and outrageous performers who have been making the headlines on the music scene, in art and in film; then we might consider it. Another boring politician guy, not interested.” I said, “I see. Whom should I ask to cover it?” The man pointed to another set of cubicles with a sign over them which said, “Gruntleds.” I said, “What does that sign mean?” The man said, “Well, duh. Those people, who do their jobs, keep quiet and don't care.” I told the man thanks for the information. I found Morrie asleep in a chair nearby. I woke him up and said, “Morrie. They wouldn’t take the assignment.” Morrie said, “I know. They wouldn’t do anything for me either.” I said, “I think I have some more people to add to my list.” Morrie said, “Good. They’re a bunch of paskudnyaks”
I gave the assignment to one of the Gruntleds, who seemed to be very excited about it. She said, “At last! A real assignment. Instead of having to interview people like Eva Avila and Craig Sharpe. It is going to be so good to interview someone who isn’t a teenager and can string words together into complete sentences.” I said, “Has that been a problem?” The lady said, “It all started when Portrait got that Excellence in Photojournalism Award for its cover story on the model ‘Sophia’. Ever since then, we’ve been pushed to build the young audience for Portrait. Never mind the fact that the Excellence in Photojournalism Award came from The Fashion Model Photographers Association of Canada. (FMPAC)”
About this time, Morrie said, “Oy. I have to leave. Lovey’s garden party is almost over. I’ll be back the next time I can get free.” I said, “Thanks, Morrie. You were very helpful.” Morrie said, “A nechtiker tog! - Forget it!” and started racing to the elevator.
It has been an education working at Portrait Magazine so far.
Howard Bunt
At 6:57 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i'm so ashamed of my fashion sense. or lack. i want 2 learn 2 have good fashion sense, but whenev my mom hears me say that, she yells @ me. i hope u can help me sumday.
liz, c above.
mike, i think it's kinda creepee 4 u 2 pay so much attention 2 my physical development. or lack. but i'm trying 2 focus on the positive. @ least i'm abt the same height as mom now, pretty consistently. yay!
howard, yikers, soundz like mike taut that group of portrait employees 2 have a hella bad attitude!
jeremy, i'm not sure xxactly what happed that made me bump in2 that wall. it was so embarrassing!
apes
At 7:36 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes,
Evry girl @ skool has a black or dark brown down or microfibre jacket w/ a hood w/ fake fur. I no cos Im trying 2 avoid Zed. Its rilly hard when evry1 but u has the same jacket. Pls dont get a new jacket then Ill have 2 avoid u 2.
My mom & Perdita r fiting ovah my Barbados trip. Perdita wants me 2 go cos itll b so busy @ Redd Hott Bajan Mammas, shes promised mom I wont have ne fun if mom lets me go. I wont have ne fun newhere but if I go 2 Barbados I wont have 2 c Zed & I can bring home the cube bass guitar I got 4 Xmas.
L8r.
MCDunC
p.s. Zed if u r reading this blog go away.
p.p.s. Zed if u r still reading this blog stay out of Horny Ts, thats my turf.
At 7:46 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Y?
At 8:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, wd it help if i put in a gd word w/yr mom, or wd that hurt yr cause?
apes
At 8:13 PM,
duncan anderson said…
I dont no, Apes. I dont no nething nemore. If I cant go 2 Barbados Im going 2 bed 4 March break.
L8r.
At 8:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
k, dunc, i just got off the fone w/yr mom. i xxplained abt how zenia has this history of leading innocent boys "astray" and u can't b blamed cuz of that way she's got w/guys. i think that went well, but u know how yr mom can b kinda hard 2 read. hope u won't hafta take 2 yr bed 4 march vacation.
apes
At 8:52 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Thanx, Apes. Im staying in my room til brekkie 2morrow. Mayb my 'rents will chill ovahnite.
At 9:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i know personally u have an incredible ability 2 4give peeps & u’ve been friends w/duncan 4 a long tyme. but u rilly need 2 think ‘bout wut u do b4 u do it.
wut iz duncan’s mom gonna think wen u, a patterson w/a mom who takes a rilly hard public line against cheaters, calls her up & sez, “it wuzn’t duncan’s fault he cheated on zandra w/zenia. it wuz zenia’s fault cuz he iz an innocent who wuz lead astray”? duncan’s mom iz not an idiot. she knowz duncan iz not an innocent. i don’t evn live w/the guy & i know that. duncan’s mom is gonna think ur a big liar & she iz gonna wonder wut duncan gave u2 say a thing like that.
not only that, but if duncan’s mom decides 2 call ur mom & talk ‘bout it. then ur mom will say sumthin’ like, “well, u know, miranda. duncan haz known april since they were children, so technically, he cud end b-ing the childhood sweetheart she marries, evn tho april iz d8ing gerald for 4 years now. aftah all, it’s not rilly cheatin’ if it’s a childhood sweetheart.” then duncan’s mom will suddenly wonder y duncan haz been included in ur famly pics on ur mom’z website, or she may wonder y ur mom sed it wuz alright if u go out w/gerald az long az duncan iz there 2. then the next thing u know, duncan’z mom iz gonna tell u2 stay away frum duncan, cuz she duzn’t wunt him 2b trapped in ur patterson allure, cuz he’z just an innocent. &then she will barricade her ….i guess i am goin’ little 2 far there.
neway, i hope duncan’s mom duzn’t call ur mom. that wud b a disaster.
At 9:36 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh man oh man oh man.
L8r.
p.s. Stop giving concert tix 2 my x-gf, Jer.
At 11:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
duncan, y do u care if i give comp tix 2 ur ex-gf? it’s not like i’m goin’ w/her 2 the concert. she’z gonna go w/zenobia & zapata & whoever else they wanna take ---zahava or zainab. i’m tryin’ 2 remembah if u evah told me thanx wen i got tix 4u 2 save ur butt frum 4gettin’ a prezzie 4 zandra.
At 5:37 AM,
Anonymous said…
Kugel! It certainly was a farkhapndik day at work today! That's right, April -- I went to work! That wife of mine had her sister and some other yentes over for a party, so of course I was shut inside the condo so Lovey could be the star agune of the afternoon. I used to sulk and follow her orders, but after a taste of freedom, I decided to make this situation work for me! So I snuck out to the car and drove to Portrait. I was hoping to explain things to Mr. Gluttson because I was so shuldik about leaving so abruptly like that. But much to my surprise, Gluttson was very understanding and offered me my job back! I asked him if this was wise, since he had already hired someone else for the position and would now be paying two people for one person's job, and he just said, "Morrie, I would rather pay four people to do one person's job than to be in the situation I was in before, where I was paying one person to do absolutely nothing." In fact, he said it looked like he was paying a lot of people at Portrait to do absolutely nothing, and put my co-worker Howard and I to work right away at firing those foyl nogoodniks. Young Howard was aborably optimistic that this would run smoothly, but I set him straight that here at Portrait, people move slower than my rabbi after the big Sukkot feast!
We did get some work done before I had to run back home before Lovey noticed I was missing. Fortunately, even though the parking in Toronto is a beyzer kholem, the traffic was light and I made it home with time to spare. Unfortunately, I still didn't have enough time to get on the computer so I had to wait until late tonight when that wife of mine was sleeping.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. With Passover coming up, I feel inspired by the story of my Israelite ancestors escaping from Egyptian slavery and finally becoming free.
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