Offense
When Dad got home from work yesterday, he sed, "April, Ted enjoyed my story abt that cocktail party, where I xxamined some guy's teeth, so much, I've got another cocktail-party story4 him!" I sed, "He enjoyed it, eh?" And Dad looked a bit sheepish and sed, "OK, he tolerated it. Throw the ol' man a bone. This wk's memo sez I have to reminisce about 1979/1980, and I can't fight it." I sed, "I'm gonna h8 myself 4 asking this, but what's yr story?"
Dad's eyes lit up and he sed, "Well. Elly and I were at a different cocktail party. We used 2 get out a lot more back then. And BTW, yr mother wore her hair down @ this party." I sed, "No WAY!" And Dad sed, "Way!" Then he sed, "So, This obnoxious party guest came up 2 me @ the party, when I was standing w/yr mother, and he punched my left arm while saying, 'Hiya, Doc! How's the old dentist business!" I cd tell he wasn't really asking because he punctuated that sentence w/an exclamation pt instead of a question mark. Then he grabbed my left arm w/his rite while pting at me w/his left hand and saying, 'Drill 'em, fill 'em, bill 'em, eh, John? Ha! Ha! Ha!' Meanwhile yr mother looked @ me w/a mortified xxpression on her face. This man went on, grabbing my left shoulder w/both hands while saying, 'I HATE U guys! Ha ha... no offense, guy, ha ha! ...No offense!' Then he went to find an accountant so he cd complain abt taxes, and meanwhile, I told yr mother, '...I'm offended.'"
I sed, "MayB U and Mom just went 2 way 2 many cocktail parties back then." Dad sed, "R U kidding? That's just what was done back then! B-sides, we kept our babysitter in record albums and bubble gum while also getting away from the little monsters--I mean, yr brother and sister." I sed, "Record albums? Gah, I 4got this was like the music stone age!" Dad sed, "Now, now, just U w8. When U're grown up, U'll find sum of the technology U R fond of now will B considered old fossil material. That's everyone's f8. I sed, "Oh, goody."
NEway, yeah. It's only Tuesday. That means prolly @ least four more days of this. Let's C if Dad sticks w/dentistry stories.
Apes
Dad's eyes lit up and he sed, "Well. Elly and I were at a different cocktail party. We used 2 get out a lot more back then. And BTW, yr mother wore her hair down @ this party." I sed, "No WAY!" And Dad sed, "Way!" Then he sed, "So, This obnoxious party guest came up 2 me @ the party, when I was standing w/yr mother, and he punched my left arm while saying, 'Hiya, Doc! How's the old dentist business!" I cd tell he wasn't really asking because he punctuated that sentence w/an exclamation pt instead of a question mark. Then he grabbed my left arm w/his rite while pting at me w/his left hand and saying, 'Drill 'em, fill 'em, bill 'em, eh, John? Ha! Ha! Ha!' Meanwhile yr mother looked @ me w/a mortified xxpression on her face. This man went on, grabbing my left shoulder w/both hands while saying, 'I HATE U guys! Ha ha... no offense, guy, ha ha! ...No offense!' Then he went to find an accountant so he cd complain abt taxes, and meanwhile, I told yr mother, '...I'm offended.'"
I sed, "MayB U and Mom just went 2 way 2 many cocktail parties back then." Dad sed, "R U kidding? That's just what was done back then! B-sides, we kept our babysitter in record albums and bubble gum while also getting away from the little monsters--I mean, yr brother and sister." I sed, "Record albums? Gah, I 4got this was like the music stone age!" Dad sed, "Now, now, just U w8. When U're grown up, U'll find sum of the technology U R fond of now will B considered old fossil material. That's everyone's f8. I sed, "Oh, goody."
NEway, yeah. It's only Tuesday. That means prolly @ least four more days of this. Let's C if Dad sticks w/dentistry stories.
Apes
Labels: Dad, gratuitous reminiscing, Mom, Ted
posted by April Patterson @ 6:32 AM
4 Comments:
At 9:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
OMG, Apes, this is spooky. My mom and dad went to another cocktail party last night (I guess they're making a comeback in Milborough), and something very similar happened to my dad.
One of the party guests, who according to Dad seemed inebriated, came up to him, punched him in the arm, and said, "Hey, how's the '419' biz? Spam 'em, scam 'em, and slam 'em, eh?" Then, he grabbed one of Dad's shoulders and said, "I really hate you guys, but no offense, 'K?" Then he stumbled off.
My dad told my mom, "I could be offended, but I'm not. That was actually pretty funny. Remind me to quote him in the next 419 Insider newsletter!" Does your dad have a better sense of humour now than he did in 1979/1980?
Eva
At 9:16 AM,
April Patterson said…
that is pretty spooky, eva! nah, i don't think my dad has a better sense of humour now, but he tunes things out more by shuttering himself off w/his trains, i guess.
apes
At 2:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Your story about Dad’s story reminds me a lot of my recent book-signing event. There was a line of people eagerly wanting me to sign a copy of my recent book Stone Season. A smiling man in the line said, “'Hiya, Mike! How's the old writing business! I read your book. You just ripped off The War Bride, eh? Swipe it, type it, and hype it. I HATE U guys! Ha ha... no offense, guy, ha ha! ...No offense!” I said, “None taken. How do you want me to sign your book?” The man said, “You’re not offended?” I said, “When you are a best-selling author of one of the greatest books in Canadian history, then what can anyone say about your writing that might affect you? Did you buy a copy of my book?” The man said he did. I said, “Well there you go.”
The man said, “What if I were to say that when Sheilagh Shaughnessy remembers back to her life in Devon, England; it doesn’t make any sense she remembers all those stories of things which didn’t happen to her.” Then I said, “Well, now I am offended. My family regularly remembers back to things which didn’t happen to them. If we can do it, so can Sheilagh Shaughnessy.” The man seemed very happy to have offended me. Imagine making that suggestion to a best-selling author. What temerity. I am certainly not going back to rewrite Stone Season to please him.
I wonder if I should rewrite that memory scene in my next novel Breaking the Windjammer, where Leonard Driscoll remembers back to his past and how his best friend from his youth disguised himself as a woman and lived for 3 years in a convent. What am I thinking? Those convent scenes are some of the best parts of Breaking the Windjammer.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ok, i don’t think i get this. wen we were @horny t’s, i think gerald sed 2 me, “how’s the ol’ short term substitute bf bizness! drill ‘em, fill ‘em, bill ‘em, eh, jeremy?” it sounded like he thought i wuz a dentist & i got confused. wuz gerald sayin’ i wuz like a dentist, or sumthin’ else? u looked offended aftah he sed that. @least i think thass y u kicked him.
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