April's Real Blog

Friday, April 17, 2009

If you came by for foob snark...

This page is no longer being updated; however, you can get more foob-related snark from me over at FOOBAR.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Glimpse in2 our future?

There was sumthing super-weird that happened @ the reception 8 days ago. It was so bizarre, I've kind of blocked it outta my mind until just now!

@ the head table, Liz and Anthony were standing up, kinda huddling 2gether, looking @ Weed, who was crouching on the floor just in front of the table and taking a pic of Francie and Merrie holding hands while Shawna-Marie gave a toast just beyond them.

Meanwhile, a bunch of us were standing, kinda lined up and facing the head table. Lawrence (looking kinda purple) was standing on the left side. Gordo was to L's rite, but standing a bit in front. Then there was Mike, just 2 Lawrence's rite, holding Robin (asleep) and Dee leaning on Mike, like pressing her right cheek 2 his left shoulder while pressing her right hand 2 his back. Then came me, 2 Mike's rite, and then Dad, w/his rite arm around Mom.

Dad suddenly asked Mom, "Elly, if we cd go back in time, I mean... If I asked U 2..." And she interrupted him, saying, "Yes, John ... With all my heart." And just as she sed that last bit, Antman and Liz did a big, showy smooch @ the head table. And I was kind of disappointed she hadn't let Dad finish his question. What if he was planning 2 say, "If I asked U 2 join a commune in Upst8 New York?" Or sum other thing she didn't assume he was asking. Oh, well, she's known Dad longer than I have. I guess she doesn't have 2 let him finish his sentences.

But that's not even where things got weird. Suddenly, behind the head table, a big projection screen dropped down. A picture of Mom and Dad, seen from behind standing on some kinda deck and watching sum mountain scenery @ night, w/a crescent moon in the sky, appeared on the screen. And over the sound system, a voice that was booming and distorted, like the Wizard of Oz, said, "ELLY AND JOHN PATTERSON RETIRED TO TRAVEL, TO READ, TO VOLUNTEER IN THEIR COMMUNITY AND TO HELP RAISE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN!" I whispered, "Mom, U're already retired." And the booming voice sed, "NO INTERRUPTIONS FROM MARTIAN TEENAGERS!"

Then, there was an image of Gramps and Iris holding a baby. And the booming voice went, "GRANDPA JIM LIVED TO WELCOME ANTHONY AND ELIZABETH'S FIRST CHILD [together], JAMES ALLEN. JIM PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 89, WITH HIS WIFE, IRIS, AT HIS SIDE.

Next, the screen showed Liz and the Antman dancing, she in an orange tank top and purple pants, and him in a yellow t-shirt and purplish-blue pants. The booming voice went, "ELIZABETH [Liz!] CONTINUES TO WORK AS A TEACHER. SHE'S DEVOTED TO HER WORK AND TO HER FAMILY, LOVING ANTHONY MORE EACH DAY." Then, the booming voice said, "THAT'LL SHOW THE HATERS!" The next image on the screen was Gord looking about 65 and Anthony looking like he does now, w/Anthony holding a newspaper that has a giant headline of "COTTAGES FOR SALE ." The booming voice went, "ANTHONY MANAGES THE MAYES MOTORS EMPIRE, HAS DRAWN HIS BRIDE INTO BALLROOM DANCING, AND LOOKS FORWARD TO OPENING A SMALL BED-AND-BREAKFAST."

Then, I kinda had to gasp at the disturbing image of Mike that was projected next. His lower jaw was distorted, like mayB Dad had just taken out all of his wisdom teeth. He was pictured sitting at a flatscreen computer monitor, holding up his head w/his right hand, and looking smug. The booming voice went, "MICHAEL PATTERSON HAD 4 BOOKS IN PRINT BEFORE SIGNING A FILM CONTRACT. HE CONTINUES TO WORK WITH JOSEF WEEDER AND TO WRITE FROM HOME--WHERE HE SAYS HIS INSPIRATION AND CONFIDENCE LIE."

Next, there was another disturbing image: Robin w/his mouth gaping open, muppetlike, his hair flipping up in a little curl on each side of his head, Merrie looking like she'd just gotten fresh collagen in her lips, staring ahead bug-eyed, and Dee w/her eyes squeezed shut apparently laughing at the most hysterical thing she's ever heard. Booming voice said, "DEANNA WORKED AS A PHARMACIST UNTIL SHE BEGAN A SMALL SEWING SCHOOL. SHE TAUGHT SON ROBIN HOW TO COOK. THEIR DAUGHTER MEREDITH WENT INTO DANCE AND THEATER. THE FAMILY GOES ANNUALLY TO THE MONTREAL 'JUST FOR LAUGHS' FESTIVAL." I went, "Sewing school? Why, does she go back in time to 1898?" The booming voice said, "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU, TEENAGER! SEWING SCHOOL IS PERFECT FOR DEE! SHE LOVES TO SEW! SHE LOVES HER SEWING ROOM! SHE REMADE MARIAN'S DRESS!!!"

I decided I'd better shut up for the moment, since there was suddenly a pic of me up on the screen, holding a horse by the bridle and kind of snuggling up, w/the right side of my face against the left side of the horse's. The booming voice told us, "APRIL PATTERSON GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY WITH A DEGREE IN VETERINARY MEDICINE. HER LOVE OF HORSES LED HER TO A JOB IN CALGARY AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO WORK WITH THE CALGARY STAMPEDE. COUNTRY LIVING AND A COUNTRY BOY KEEP HER 'OUT WEST'!" I said, "You know, through my veganism and Jivamukti yoga, I've adopted the philosophy that animals are not ours to use. Even if I were given the opportunity to work with the Calgary Stampede, I think I'd decline." And the booming voice went, "INGRATE VEGAN FREAK! WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM FROM WITHIN!" I said, "Well, I guess I have around eight years or so to figure that all out." And the booming voice went, "WHATEVER!"


Francie went, "Wait! That's IT? What about ME?" She noticed some rustling behind a curtain on the right side of the reception hall and she ran and pulled it open. There, we saw the Witch of Corbeil! She was wearing a purple shirt, her hair had turned brown, and she was sitting at a drafting table! At first, she spoke into the microphone, so her booming voice was going, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO WOMAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WITCH OF CORBEIL!" Then as she saw Francie start to tear up a bit, she pushed the mic aside and went, "Aw, heck."

Then she said, "Thank you-- To my syndicate, publisher, family, staff, readers and friends for encouraging me these past 29 years--as 'For Better or For Worse' grew from simple sketches to an intricate 'saga' involving many characters. If I could do it all over again... Would I do some things differently? ...I've been given the chance to find out!! Please join me again on Monday as the story begins again... With new insights and new smiles. Looking back looks wonderful!" Then she signed a piece of paper she had on her table and held it up. The signature was "Lynn Johnston."

How weird is that? I don't even know what to say. Well, except thanks 2 all of U who have been checking in on my blog since I started it back in June of 2005. U've been through my grade-eight grad, my "band" drama, zits, Liz being "come after," meeting Paul, Mike having fights with his neighbours, making fun of them in his column, Mom flapping and honking, Dad playing w/trains, being clueless, Liz throwing away her relationship w/Paul, Mike running back in2 a burning building to save his lappy while leaving Dee to "fend for herself" on the fire escape w/2 scared lil kids, and on and on. Tomorrow, I think everyone in Mboro will be dwelling on the past--remembered in a diff way from how ppl ever remembered it B4. And I'll be focusing on my last yr of senior secondary school.

So, I guess I'm kinda saying goodbye to U all. Keeping this blog has helped me not go too crazy, being surrounded by my crazy fam always treating me like I'm defective (when they're not ignoring me). I dunno if I might check in here now and then 2 upd8 U on stuff, but my daily updates are def. over. Big love to all of U!


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Saturday, August 30, 2008

For Better or For Worse

Yet another hospital story. Don't criticize me 4 that, Mike, U know this stuff is beyond my control.

So, I'm still telling U abt what happened a wk ago, eh? Liz and Anthony had rushed 2 the hospital rite after they finished getting married, once Liz realized Gramps wasn't there and found out from Mom what was up.

Lizthony and Iris were standing outside of Grandpa Jim's curtained-in area, Ant w/his rite hand on Lizzie's rite shoulder. Liz sed, "Iris, you've taken such good care of Grandpa Jim. He's so lucky to have you!" And Iris went, "We're both lucky, dear."

Liz was like, "But, so many things he can't do for himself now--and you're with him, looking after him day after day... It can't be easy!" And Iris went, "It's not easy. But we made a commitment--just as you did today--and although it's not easy, this is all part of loving someone--with all your heart...and, with all you have to give! It's a promise that should last a lifetime. It defines you a a person and describes your soul. It's a promise to be there, one for the other, no matter what happens, no matter who falls... For better or for worse dears... For better or for worse."

Then, the weirdest thing happened. They all looked down--and they saw this scrolling text, like just kind of floating thru the air: "This concludes my story.... With grateful thanks to everyone who has made this all possible ~Lynn Johnston"

Freaky, eh?


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Friday, August 29, 2008

Yet another bedside story 4 U

4 sum reason, I have this creepy feeling that after 2morrow, I won't B telling U these stories I've been sharing w/U 4 the past three yrs plus abt a month. Sumthing's gonna end, and that'll B it. And if that's true, I'd think I cd @ least get U back 2 the reception in my telling U abt Liz's wedding 6 days ago. But 4 sum reason, I'm stuck telling U sum more abt Liz being in Grandpa Jim's hospital room. I have a feeling ppl R gonna show up @ Lilliput's this morning, buy coffee, and tell Mom that this story made them have tears in their eyes, reminds them of sumthing from their family, makes them wish sumthing or other, U know the drill. And they'll thank Mom a lot, 4 sum reason. I will hafta make sure I stay away from Lilliput's.

NEway, so Liz had sidled up 2 Iris, who was sitting by Grandpa Jim's bedside. Iris was all, "I watch him sleeping, Elizabeth--and I remember when I had babies. ..I watched them like this, you know. I watched them... Like this." And Liz sed, "Yeah, I caught that the first time U sed it, why'd U hafta say it twice?" OK, no she didn't. She went, "I'd like 2 have a baby sumday," as if the idea only just popped in2 her head @ that v. moment. And Iris told her, "I'm sure U will, dear! And U will teach yr little one* abt life and all its complexities, challenges, joys and sorrows... there's so much 2 learn." Then Iris gazed @ Jim all beatifically while laying a hand on his face, saying, "I think I know sumthing abt life, now. It takes corage 2 live life 2 the full, Elizabeth... And yr grandfather has courage." And Liz was all, "Yes, he has courage." Then she placed one hand on Iris's back and told her, "...But, he also has U." And 4 sum reason, Iris went all gobsmacky. MayB cuz Gramps had gone in2 silhouette just then, and Iris might have been worried it was like "the silhouette of death." MayB wherev she comes from, she heard that rite B4 U die, U go in2 silhouette.

Well, I hope I have sumthing different 2 tell U 2morrow. Sumthing not abt the hospital.


*Gah! "Little one." Don't U hate that expression? I do!

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Endings to stories

While Liz was @ the hospital in Grandpa Jim's room (after she and Anthony committed their "hitch and run" Saturday--as Gramps so ritely criminalizes it), Liz went over 2 Iris, all, "How is he, Iris? Tell me the truth." And Iris went, "He's not well, dear. He's v. frail. He'll B home in a few days, tho... and, then we'll C." She went 2 one side of the bed, Ant stood @ the other, and Liz stood @ the foot of the bed. And Iris sed, "Look. He's gone back 2 sleep. But... He did C U in 'Marian's' dress--and it meant a lot 2 him." And Liz patted herself on the back w/"I know."

Then Anthony called Mom. He sed, "Hello, Elly? We'd like 2 stay a bit longer @ the hospital w/Iris and Jim. Pls tell every1 we'll meet them @ the reception." After Mom hung up w/him, Dad came over, w/Robin pulling @ his rite hand and Francie looking up @ him like she mite B thinking, "My standfather looks a lot like Daddy, and that scares me." Dad asked Mom, "Who called?" And Mom sed, "Anthony. --Everything's fine. My Dad is going 2 B OK, John. Everything's going 2 B OK!" Interesting, eh? That is NOT what Iris sed in the hospital. So who was lying? Anthony, on the phone 2 Mom, or Mom 2 Dad?

NEway, Dad sed, "That sounds like a nice way 2 end a story!" What normal person wd say that in this sitch? I know, my Dad and "normal" don't even know each other. And Mom sed, "...It's certainly a nice way 2 end 2day!" Sure, if it were true.


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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Liz and Antman visit Gramps so he can thought-bubble pun

Here's what happened when Liz and Anthony showed up in Grandpa Jim's hospital room just after their wedding ceremony this past Saturday. Iris was standing by his bedside, and Liz went, "Iris! We came as fast as we cd!" Iris went, "Oh, my dear! --It's the bride and groom!"

Liz went over 2 Gramps, put her left hand on his left shoulder, and went, "Here we R, Grandpa. It's Anthony and Elizabeth. We wanted U 2 B part of this day!" And Gramps was like, "Yes!" Iris told him, "They're fresh from the altar, Jim! They took off right after the wedding! --Just jumped in a car and came here 2 the hospital!" Gramps went, "Yes?" And I guess all that emphasizing how they'd JUST! GOTTEN! MARRIED! was 2 set up Jim 4 the thought bubble he had next: "A classic case of hitch and run!!"

That is so wrong. Setting ailing ppl up 4 punnery, even in their heads, is v. bad 4 their recovery! OK, so I just made that up, but I'm sure it's true. :(


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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

She did, when she finally noticed

More about Liz's wedding this past Saturday. When Anthony and Liz did their run down the aisle (with Liz trying 2 crib the look Dee had on her face when she and Mike did their trot @ wedding #2), sum1 was all, "Congratulations, U2!" And sum insensitive clod was like, "It's about time!" That mighta been Mom. Gordo, standing on the Antman's side, went, "Wooo-hooo!" And sum silhouette guy from Anthony's side went, "Ya-hooo!"

Then, even tho Anthony and Liz had charged down the aisle, suddenly they were back @ the front, w/the bride's-side crowd gawking @ them. And Liz had a teensy-weensy light bulb turn on over her empty head, as she went, "Anthony--where's my grandfather? And Iris! ...They're NOT HERE!!" Then she turned 2 Mom and sed, "Mom--sumthing's happened! Where's Grandpa?" And Mom went, "He's in the hospital, honey. He cdn't come." And Liz sed, "Then, we'll have 2 go 2 HIM!" Mom was like, "But, U just got married! Do U have 2 go NOW?" And Liz went all carp-mouthed and sed, "I do."

And... I'll tell U more 2morrow!

BTW, 2day is Mom's b-day. She sez she's 57. She's gonna B @ Lilliput's all day, having coffee and accepting b-day wishes and gifts.


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