Strange, Disturbing Musings from My Bro

I M sorry 2 have 2 tell U this, but it looks like we R not dun w/those flashbacks we were in all of this past wk. We may B in 4 a whole 2nd week! Here's what Mike had 2 say in a comment last nite:

April,

Formerly little sis. Just the other day, I had wondered why it is that Josef Weeder is my best friend instead of Lawrence Poirier, since Lawrence and I grew up together. It's not the reason that everyone suspects, i.e. Lawrence picked Nicholas Browne over me. (I get very tired of explaining that this is not the reason.) Actually, it started at a very early age.

I remember one time when I was sitting on my front stoop outdoors with Lawrence. I was very distressed over something that had happened with my mother. I said, "All I have to do is LOOK at my mom and she gets mad!" I thought this sterling description was sufficient to get Lawrence's sympathy. After all, his mother was Connie Poirier, and who wants to look at her seven shades of ugly? But no! Lawrence didn't believe me. He said, "Honest, Mike? You were just lookin' at her?" I was shocked that Lawrence did not trust me. I think this was the first time I realized that Lawrence and I would not agree on everything, like Josef and I do.

So, to better describe my case to Lawrence, I added, "Yeah. She was in the bath at the time." I thought this would put it over with Lawrence, but instead he looked at me and started mumbling something about how he would do whatever it took to avoid seeing Elly Patterson naked."

When I told the same story to Josef Weeder, his response was very different from Lawrence's. He talked about how he often snuck into his mother's washroom when she was taking a bath, to look at her. That's one of the things about Josef and me. Our experiences are so similar, I often feel like we are the same person broken apart only by our different choices in career.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Uh.... Yeah. Mike an' Weed. Peas in a pod. I think I need 2 change the subject, eh?

So, I start my job @ the vet clinic 2day. Weird, it seems 2 me my job will B a lot like one I had when I was eight, @ an animal shelter. Check what I wrote in my monthly letter back in March of 2000:

The[y] paid me 10 dollars at the animal shelter for cleaning out cages but I didn't want to get paid so me and Alex (another kid who comes with me) went and bought treats for the animals.

We have 3 dogs, 2 puppies and lots of kittens (in the adoption part) and there's about 6 pets who are lost and waiting for their owners. One is really sad and they don't have collars or identification things. Dr. Gillan who is the vet thinks people aren't looking for them. So I don't know what will happen. We play with them a bit, but we don't take them out because they are too big, so some volunteers from the highschool help out too. I like working at the animal shelter!

Only this time, I'm totally gonna let them pay me. I need the $$$!

Apes

Mike has a random story from the past

Sadly, we R still in reminiscing. This time, Mike has a story 4 U, which he posted l8 last nite:

April,

Formerly little sis. Just the other day, as I caught my son trying to eat the telephone, I was reminded of a story of my past when I was just a little older than he was and I had to deal with the telephone. I said, “Son, I remember when I was just a little older than you are and I had to deal with the telephone.” In preparation for my story, his eyes took on an absent look, waiting for a reminiscence of great meaning to fill his young, small brain. This is the story I told:

I was lying on the floor, playing with Legos, as I usually did with my right hand bearing a strong resemblance to the letter Q and wearing those special pants mom made for me where she mismeasured the inseam so the crotch was about at my knee. I loved those pants. They were great whenever I wanted to play a merman. I loved the mermen. They always had naked chests and they never wore sea shells like the mermaids did.

On this occasion, I heard the sound “RRINGG!” Naturally I knew this was the phone and not the front door. I picked it up and said, “Hello?” I remember this was especially difficult, because my right arm had chosen that particular time to mutate my wrist and arm to look a little like a fried chicken leg. Little Lizzie must have thought the same thing because she headed toward me with hunger in her eyes. Let me tell you there is nothing worse than having a fried chicken leg-shaped arm, being gnawed on by a nearly toothless, younger sister. I had to deflect her assault somehow. The person on the other end of the line said, “May I speak to Elly Patterson?” I said, “No, she’s outside right now.—Wanna talk to my baby sister?” Then I handed the phone to Lizzie and the attack was deflected. Mission accomplished.

Lizzie took the phone out of my hand and with her massive, muscular, beefy arms; and said very clearly, “Glah? Da-da-da? COOKIE! Num-num!” I remember well thinking that this might be one of the most articulate moments of her life, and that has proven to be the case. However, the person on the other end of the phone didn’t think so, and he yelled out “*!!{Saturn}@*” at Lizzie. Lizzie was taken aback by the geometric shapes and took her head away from the phone receiver. I took this opportunity to take the phone back from Lizzie. She was upset when I did this and grabbed at the wire on the phone and turned red in the face. Interestingly enough, she did not start screaming until later, so I was able to speak again to the person on the other line. I had hoped to learn more geometric symbols; but the man became strangely quiet, and said he wanted to talk to mom again. I said, “Yeah? You still want wanna talk to her? OK--”

This was the tricky part. Mom had told me not to leave Lizzie alone; but the man on the phone wanted to speak to Mom. How could I get Mom and still not leave Lizzie alone? Brilliantly smart as I was, the answer soon came to me. I held the phone away from my mouth, and yelled, “MAAH” as loud as I could, in order to get her attention from the outside. As I put the phone receiver to my head to tell the man I had called for Mom, I was surprised by a few things:

1. I heard a “CLICK” sound which either meant the man hung up or he had started to speak Xhosa, that African language that uses clicking sounds to talk.
2. I suddenly realized that the phone receiver was bigger than my head.
3. I suddenly realized that the sleeves on my shirt were no longer the same length.

Mom heard my cry and came in with sweat upon her brow, and gardening gloves and a gardening trowel in her hands. I held the phone up to her with both hands in supplication and said, “It’s for you.” I was afraid of what would happen when she discovered the man on the other end of the phone had hung up. Fortunately, Mom is not nearly as accurate with a gardening trowel as she is with a coffee cup.

That was the lesson my son learned from me that day. Sure enough it worked. No longer does he try to the eat the phone. But he has developed a certain predilection for garden trowels.

Love,

Michael Patterson

I guess that was supposta B a lesson in how not 2 answer the fone, eh?

Well, l8 yesterday, the squat got raided! Zenia is convinced that "the guy w/the phallic nose and ridiculous ponytail across the street dropped the dime on us." Cd B. Weed is awfully worried abt property values. NEway, I called Jeremy from the jail and his Mom was so cube abt bailing me out. Dunc insisted on staying cuz "street cred," Eva refused 2 leave his side, and Zenia sed she had 2 stay cuz of her secret "exposé" she's writing.

So, I M back @ Jeremy's and he's trying 2 talk me outta being further involved in what Dunc's got going in TO.

Apes

Jungles vs. Zoos in the Distant Past

OK, prolly the last day of this run of flashbacks we've been in. Sumthing abt little Mike making animal noises 2 entertain baby Nizzie, and Dad coming home saying, "Whew! What a day... Elly, it's a jungle out there." And Mike making more of his animal noises. And Mom saying, "I'll trade U 4 the zoo in here." Whatevs.

So, still in TO. Eva and I have been trying 2 get Dunc 2 leave the squat where he's been staying w/Zenia and various squatters, across the st from Weed & Carleen's place. Duncan's been claiming Zenia needs his help, but Zenia was saying she was up 2 sumthing "top secret." All mysterioso-like. Zandra tried 2 warn him not 2 get sucked in2 one of her schemes, but he's not listening. Just this morning, I overheard Zenia whispering urgently abt how she's in grave danger cuz [name removed @ Zenia's insistence] wants 2 have her killed. She "knows 2 much." Including sumthing abt what [he] looks like naked. ::shudder::

Apes

Surviving

The flashback I'm ignoring 2day actually picks up from yesterday's. Mom had sent Mike up 2 his room w/out supper and then was considering bringing him up sum supper. Dad told her she can't go back on her word like that, and besides, he'd survive a nite w/out supper, and Mom sed that mayB she wdn't. But obvs. she did. And apparently she was having a "thin" day.

Speaking of surviving, Eva and I R still @ the squat where Dunc's been staying. I can't say that I'd wanna live this way all the time, but w/Jeremy away this wk, @ least it's keeping me occupied. I just saw Mike show up @ Weed's place when I was looking out the window this morning. MayB Mike will write in this wkend and say what he's doing there so early on a weekday.

Apes

Day 4 of "Who Cares"

So the flashback I M currently ignoring has sumthing 2 do w/Mom sending Mike 2 his room 4 being rude, and then regretting that she threatened 2 send him there. Zzzzzzzz.

Duncan showed Eva and me how 2 squeegee and we did pretty well w/the money. I was surprised, but Dunc sed, "Yeah, the girls always do better." Zenia claims she's got sum "top-secret assignment" she can't xxplain until after the fact. We ran in2 Zandra @ a Horny T's, and she was like, "Duncan, don't tell me U've been sucked in by another one of Zenia's stories." And Dunc was all, "U don't understand." She kind of gave up, muttering that he has 2 find out the hard way all over again.

Apes

Wasting time in 30-second bits

It seems U R supposed 2 spend 30 seconds caring abt young Mike getting Mom to give him and her friends cookies, so she ends up gazing out the window at them (since they messily eat their cookies rite outside the window) and thinking, "If U don't want pigeons... Don't start feeding them." U R prolly even supposed 2 notice that she actually has a smile on her face while thinking that, instead of being all pissed off or gobsmacked.

But Y wd U do that? No1 cares abt these random glimpses in2 the past, eh? Esp. if we dole out our stories 30 secs @ a time. Whatevs, I M still in Toronto w/Eva and Duncan. We R trying 2 convince Dunc 2 leave that squat where he's staying, across the st from Weed and Carleen. He sez he can't leave Zenia rite now, cuz she's going thru a really hard time. She cdn't stay in residence @ UT over the summer, and all her usual prospects for summer lodging fell thru. And a bunch of other drama.

Apes

U Can Haz Flashbacks

But U prolly don't want 'em. Me, neither. I won't bother U w/the icky story abt Mom finding young Mike's used-gum horde on his bed post, but not his sooper-seekrit used-gum stash on his dresser. Yuck.

Eva and I found Duncan in TO. He's in a squat that's across the street from Mike's old building, which Weed now owns, in that mysterious neighbourhood that's not Rosewood or the Beaches. Oddly, Zenia's staying in the squat, 2. There's a story, there, but I haven't gotten it yet cuz the squatters had a big panic thinking there was abt 2 B a raid. Turned out instead that Weed was trying 2 cook eggs and set off the smoke alarm. Apparently, he installed xxtra-loud ones.

Apes

Edit: Yesterday was my three-year bloggoversary, and I 4got all abt it cuz of the flashback boredom. Whee!

And we're back 2 flashbacks

As predicted, Mom reminiscing 2 Connie abt young Mike making her tired has led 2 flashbacks again. From the 1979-80 era. 2day's is supposta B abt knocking on Mom and Dad's bedroom door, crashing it open, and then saying, "U SAID 2 knock 1st," but U know what? Who cares? I'm not doing these flashbacks! >:-(

Duncan took all of his xxams last wk like he was supposed 2, but then he got all nervous an' scared abt how he did, and he ran off 2 TO 2 B a squeegie boy again. Eva and I R going out there 2 try & find him. Jeremy's away this week @ sum kinda scout thing he's doing 4 community-svc credits.

Apes

Dad's Massage-Chair Ecstasy

Since my mom's been 4getting me so much l8ly, I've been staying @ Jeremy's house, tho yesterday it got so bad Jeremy's mom had 2 call mine and remind her I xxist just so I wdn't fade away in2 nothingness!

So early this morning, guess who showed up @ their front door looking 4 me? My dad! He was all, "Yr Mom told me U were here, April! Furniture Outlet is having a door buster this morning! We have 2 B there @ opening 2 get the best deals, and I really want 2 try the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat!" I sed, "Dad, Rn't those things way, way xxpensive? And U're semi-retiring. And planning a wedding. And promised not 2 touch my uni fund."

Dad was like, "Trying is free, Buddy!" Then he grabbed me by the arm and yanked me out, leaving me only able 2 wave @ Jeremy and his mom and stepdad as I got dragged 2 the 'vASSe.

We got 2 Furniture outlet B4 it opened, and Dad insisted on our plunking ourselves rite in front of the door in case there was a line. There wasn't. We had 2 w8 an hr and a half. Dad told choo-choo jokes the whole time. My head still hurts. When we finally got let in, Dad made a B-line 2 the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat, and a salesman helped him get the massage thing started. That's when the embarrassing started.

Almost rite away, Dad was making these ecstasy faces and noises. U'd think Mom had brought him a big plate of bacon greaseburgers with a side of Boston creme pies. He was all, "MMMMMMMMMMM" and "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH" and "HOOOOOOOOOOO" and "WHOAAAAAAAA" and "HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH" and "OOOOHOOOOOO" and "OHHHHH" and "SNIFFFFFFFFAAAAAAA."

The salespeople were pting and laffing, and other customers who had come in were kind of cowering away. I heard one salesguy say 2 another, "U'd think this guy hadn't gotten NE since 1990!" And the other sed, "That's John Patterson. His wife is Elly Patterson." And then the 1st guy was, like, "Oh. 'Nuff sed."

So, I went over 2 Dad, all, "DAD! Do U have NE idea how much U R embarrassing me?!!" He was like, "What? Oh, M I still here?" Then the manager came along and made him leave.

Apes

What's Mom Now--Part-Time or No-Time?

More on the stupid-boring gardening convo between Mom an' Connie. They were putting away the gardening supplies when Connie asked Mom, "Do U really want 2 B a full-time parent again?" Hearing abt that made me go "BWUH?" Isn't Mom supposed 2 still B a "full-time parent" 2 ME? Normal parents don't stop thinking of themselves as "full-time parents" when their youngest is 17 (or really last yr when I turned 16), rite? I'm not tripping, rite? B-sides, did a miss a memo abt Mike, Dee, Liz, and Anthony all moving 2 Ecuador and leaving Merrie, Robin, and Francie w/Mom?

Gah. NEway, on 2 Mom's dumb response 2 Connie's dumb question. Mom dumbly sed, "No. 2 B honest, I just don't have the energy." [2 remember I xxist.] Mom went on w/"I used 2 B able 2 chase kids all day, Connie. Especially Michael. When my Mom sed she hoped I'd have a child xxactly like I was--she got her wish!" Wow. So Grandma Marian was a mean and spiteful old bird. Nice.

Then Mom continued, and decided 2 work in the current retcon abt Michael: "Michael drove me crazy. But he was smart and funny and I loved him. ...And when I look back @ it all, he made me what I am 2day." Connie prompted Mom, with "Proud? Confident?" And Mom went 4 her punchline: "Um... Tired, actually. Just tired." Connie did an ugly-faced sticky-outy tongue laff rite on cue.

Uh-oh ppl. Look @ this sitch. It's Saturday. I just finished telling U a CONNIE story ending w/Mom reminiscing abt chasing Mike and Nizzie when they were little, and how Mike made Mom all kinds of tired. What does this sound like the prep 4? Yeah, I'm thinking it, 2. Prolly a wk's worth of "ZOMG NO! FLASHBACKS!" :(

Jeremy, def movie and pizza. Wow, I can't believe Brad Luggsworth's side gig. I guess being a cop doesn't pay as much as he'd hoped, eh?

Apes

Connie 4got me, 2!

Continuing the convo they had while gardening, Connie pushed the shovel in2 the ground w/her foot, 2 make holes for seedlings, and told Mom, "U can baby-sit yr grandchildren w/out being overwhelmed, El. U just have 2 set sum limits!" She didn't continue talking until after she and Mom were ready 2 put the seedlings in2 the ground, @ which pt she continued, "U've got 2 have time 4 yrself, rite? U've DONE yr job as a parent!" [No, she hasn't! ME! Still here!] They put the seedlings in silently, then they both got up and Connie sed, "Let yr kids find OTHER baby sitters 4 their children--and just help out when it's really necessary!" Mom wiggled the back of her head and sed, "That means leaving my babies w/strangers!!"

Yeah, whatevs. I'm just tired of ppl 4 getting I'm still only 17 yrs old and I xxist and all. But I guess I'm kinda used 2 it. Jeremy's Mom is letting me stay @ their house 4 a while, and so far I don't think Mom has noticed. She hasn't tried 2 call me or NEthing.

Apes

Tying and Shackling and Stuff

Mom decided 2 do sum gardening, and Connie came over 2 help. Connie was wearing a silly gardening hat and crouching, holding a seedling tray while my mom was kneeling over her new plantlings and doing her imitation of a slack-jawed sloth. Mom had told Connie abt Liz coming over 2 pre-reserve Mom's babysitting services, and Connie sed, "U started it, Elly! When U made yrself available 2 Mike and Deanna, day and nite, they took advantage!" Mom went, "Don't put it like that, Connie. I luv my grandkids 2 pieces--and I WANT 2 take care of them."

Connie got up and started 2 walk away, and Mom sed, "But now w/Liz marrying a man w/a child... And wanting kids of her own, I'm going 2 B..." Over her manly shoulder, Connie went, "Tied down?" Mom called after her, "Don't put it like that, Connie!" And Connie called back, "OK... How abt 'shackled'!"

Oh, I get it. Connie's filling the "cynical friend" role there. Kind of like Candace 2 Liz. I wonder if Eva is supposed 2 B my cynical friend.

I just hope Connie isn't a signal that I'll B telling U flashback stories 2morrow. In which case I mite boycott the past again!

Apes

Reminder that Mom's all done w/me

It seems that removing the sleeves of the not-Marian dress became deconstructing the whole thing and remaking it. As Dee was cutting fabric, she was telling Liz, "Yr Mom has been so good 2 us, Liz. She takes the kids all the time. I don't know what we'd do w/out her!" As she fit the remade bodice around Liz's 4shortened torso, Dee went on w/"Michael's @ home most days, but he's not a househusband. He needs time alone 4 his writing... And I work 5 days a week." W8, Merrie's in school and Robin's in daycare @ Merrie's school. Mike can't be alone w/the kids 4 a couple of hrs ea afternoon evening, in the time between the bus arriving and Dee returning from work?!?!?!

NEway, Dee hunched over her sewing machine and went, "We try 2 B independent, but we've really needed the extra help." Liz sed, "Yeah... I hope Mom won't mind doing sum baby-sitting 4 us, 2!" Really? What happened 2 Anthony's mother?

Liz went over 2 our TTH 2 ask Mom abt this, and Mom sez her thot was, "But... I've already RAISED my children!" When Mom told me this, I kinda glared @ her, and she went, "WHAT?" Then, "Oh. Right. You. Well, U know, in the olden days, U'd B married and having yr 2nd child by now!" I sed, "It's not the olden days!" And Mom sez, "I live in a fantasy bubble!" I sed, "True enuf."

Dunc, I M on my way over 2 yr house 2 stop U from taking the GO train. U have no idea how much I had 2 argue w/the principal 2 get yr xxam rescheduled. U R NOT leaving! (But yeah, Mom totally 4got me again.)

Apes

No borrow--let's hear some BIDDING!

As Dee was working on the alterations 2 the not-Marian gown, She sed 2 Liz, "The 1st couple of yrs will B fun... And then U'll start C-ing ea other in a different lite. U'll go from being lovers to friends, parents, business partners, roommates, co-workers..." Liz replied, "Anthony and I have been friends 4 a long time, Dee. ...And I already feel like a parent!" Dee tells me that Liz had a slitely panicky look on her face as she sed this, and guessed it mite B cuz she was realizing that she and the Ant had skipped rite over the "lover" part B4 they even got married. When Dee sed this, I sed, "Oh, like in that oldie from the 80s, by the Motels, the one that goes, 'Take the "L" out of "lover" and it's over.'" Dee gave me a funny look and sed, "Yeah, sumthing like that."

NEway, the next thing Dee sed 2 Liz was, "Trust me. Marriage is a real challenge, and I wanted 2 let U know that we'll B there 4 U, Liz. NEtime U guyz need NEthing, let us know, OK?" Liz was like, "Well, there IS sumthing we'll B borrowing from U, Dee..." And Dee went, "What's that?" That when Liz was all, "Yr babysitter."

Er, no. No1 "borrows" me. Bidding war. We'll start the bidding @ $2/hr above my current base r8.

Dunc, OMG, I'm so sorry U slept thru yr xxam! I think U ended up having, like, 21 dbl-dbls. MayB we can talk 2 the English teacher and get U rescheduled.

Apes

Continued Dress Hijinx

Liz sez she brought the not-Grandma Marian dress over 2 Dee and asked her if she cd make the dress sleeveless. Dee was like, "I can make this in2 a sleeveless dress, Liz--But will yr mom mind if I cut the fabric?" Liz replied that Mom doesn't mind. Of course she doesn't mind! It's not like it's REALLY Marian's dress. This just proves it! And since when is Dee a seemstress?

NEway, Dee had cut off the sleeves and she had Liz put on the dress. Crouching by Liz, pulling @ the side of the dress and doing sum measurements, Dee sed, "Well, this is really happening, isn't it. [Not a question, U C.] U guys R taking the plunge!" Liz was all, "I guess U cd say that!" Dee got up 2 do sum vertical measurements of Liz's boob area, and Liz went, "But we're both good swimmers, Dee." Dee answered, "I know U R, but U're just getting yr feet wet now, Liz...." She put down her tape measure, picked up a pin cushion, and sed, over her shoulder 2 Liz, "And marriage ain't no backyard pool!!"

Oh, Gah, friggin' wordplay again. Pls make it stop!

Apes

Happy Father's Day

I thought it wd B nice 2 celebr8 Dad's Day by taking Dad out 4 a nice brunch, but Mom sed, "The best gift U can give a parent is 2 go sumwhere else all day so the parent can B home alone and pretend to be single and childless." I thot that sounded kinda sad and cynical, but when I told Dad what Mom had sed, his eyes lit up and sed, "Oh, yes, please, let's do that!" Then he sed that it reminded him of sumthing that happened on June 22, 1980, when he had the house 2 himself.

"It all started w/me lying in bed and thinking, 'Aaah...an entire bed 2 myself... nobody telling me not 2 hog the blankets.' Then I picked up the digital clock from the nightstand, noticed that it was 8:45 AM, and I thought, 'Amazing..No kids landing on my belly at the crack of dawn!' Later, I took a bubble bath, which turned my rite leg red, and I thought, 'I can spend hrs in the bathroom... No lineups... No frantic banging @ the door...' While tossing the towel after drying myself, I thought, 'Nobody 2 tell me 2 pick up my towel...' As I got dressed (in a plaid shirt, zigzag-patterned lavender pants, and neon-green socks, I thought, 'The freedom 2 wear NEthing I choose...' While eating a peanut butter sandwich over the open jar with the knife sticking out of it, I thought, '2 eat what I want 2 eat...' Watching Morrie Mouse on TV while lounging w/my feet on the coffee table, drinking a beer, I thought, '2 do whatever I want 2 do!' Then I thought, 'SIGH .. I hope Elly and the kids R home soon.'"

I went, "Wow, Dad, R U sure U wd rather do that than have a nice brunch?" And Dad sed, "R U kidding? And miss wearing making a mess, wearing ugly clothes, and watching bad TV, all by myself?" And Mom sed, "Told U so." NEway, I'll B @ the mall until dinner time.

Apes

Liz clues in the Ant

I got an e-mail from Liz, and this is what she sed:

April,

I know some of your nosy readers want to know about when I talked to Anthony about having the wedding this summer. Not that it's any of their business, but I don't want anyone spreading mean lies about me.

Anthony and I took the kid to the park again, and we let her run way, way ahead of us on the path. I was thinking that maybe she'd get lost and I'd keep Anthony distracted and he'd forget and I wouldn't have to worry about being a stepmother after all. So I told him about wanting to move the wedding to this summer.

Anthony said, "I thought we might wait until next year, Liz--But sooner is fine too!" I said, "It's because of my grandfather's health." Anthony replied, "I understand! We could get married tomorrow, next week, next month..." We turned to face each other, and I put a hand on each of his elbows as he put a hand on each of my upper arms. I told him, "I don't want this wedding to be big or lavish or complicated, Anthony." Anthony is soooooo in sync with me April. He said, "Neither do I." Isn't that just AMAZING? We are soooooo meant for each other! I don't even have to THINK about it!!!

Frenchy came up to us, and we did that thing where each of us takes one of her hands and she kind of swings between us. Anthony confessed, later, that while that was happening, he was thinking, "But weddings are like Woodstock.... Sometimes, They take on a life of their own!"

Oh, and for those of your meanie readers who complain about my hair being in a bun almost all the time. During this time in the park, I had my hair down, with a beautiful, wide headband! So there!

Liz

Yeah. OK. Whatever.

OMG, I M still kinda shaking over that scary-arse xxperience Jeremy an' I had in that alternate universe we found in the crawlspace. I was, like, shellshocked when I sed that stuff abt the ppl there being friendly and helpful. Scary and depressing is more like it! Jeremy, that is NOT my destiny! Not for sure! I think this must B like A Christmas Carol. That will only come true if I let it. If I don't take measures to make sure it never, ever happens. I need strategies 2 make sure it never does. Please help me think, Jeremy! U 2, Duncan. I M sure U don't want that 2 come true, either! MayB we all hafta make sure we never go back 2 Mboro after we leave 4 uni. I mean, if we're not in Mboro, there is no1 2 think big noses on us wd B "funny," 4 xxample. We cd live in, like, Halifax, Nova Scotia and have small noses, rite! Help, guyz!

Oh, BTW. Jeremy, his mom, stepdad, step-sis, and I R all traveling 2 Syracuse, NY 2day. 4 sum reason, his step-dad's grandmother lives there, and she is having a special celebration 4 her 100th bday! I won't have my fone w/me, cuz Mom commandeered it 2 lend 2 Liz cuz she lost hers and Mom sez she needs 2 B in constant contact w/Liz during wedding-planning logistics or whatevs. Jeremy mite B able 2 post, tho, assuming he has reception in Syracuse.

Apes

THAT dress (not THIS one)

So Liz was holding the dress and contempl8ing it. I'm not sure when it made its way 2 our teeny-tiny train house, but whatevs. As Liz was gazing at the dress, I went over 2 Mom and sed, "I saw the photographs of Gram an' Grampa's wedding. The dress she had on looked nothing like the one Liz has got." Mom grabbed me by both shoulders, pinched really hard, looked me in the eye w/a scary-intense expression, like she might kill me if I don't do as she sez, and she hissed, "April Marian Patterson. That is my mother's dress. It was stored in the crawlspace and miraculously survived the years and inadequate storage. You go in there and tell yr sister that U saw those pictures from yr grandparents wedding and that yr Gram looked beautiful in that dress. And when yr sister puts on that dress, make a comment abt how wierd it is 2 B wearing a dress that was worn so long ago. Throw in a 'like' 2 make it authentic teenspeak." She let go, and I went, "OK. But don't U mean 'weird'?" Mom went "What?" And I sed, "U told me 2 say it's 'wierd.' Don't U mean 'weird?" Mom grumbled sumthing abt how she cd never get that str8 and she just doesn't understand Y 'weird' is exempt from the "I before E" rule. I sed, "That's the English language. The rules have exceptions."

NEway, I went 2 Liz, who was holding the dress still, and I sed, "I saw the photographs of Gram an' Grampa's wedding, Liz. She looked really beautiful in that dress." I kind of subtly leaned on the word "that" so I @ least acknowledged in my own head that I meant that dress as opposed to this dress. Liz stepped in2 the dress, and she looked over her shoulder @ me so I'd know she needed 2 B zipped up in the back. I had 2 struggle a bit 2 pull the sides 2gether and get her zipped, tho Liz wasn't noticing as she sed, "She was almost the xxact same size as I am!" And I sed, "Weird, hum?..." That was a Dad-ism I threw in, since I was using lines I'd been fed NEway. I went on w/"I mean, it's weird 2 B wearing a dress that was worn, like, so long ago."

Liz pulled @ the sides of the skirt part and sed, "The fabric is beautiful." I sed, "Yeah, it's pretty cool--an' U know what? Xxcept 4 the back an' the sleeves an' the neckline, it actually looks GOOD on U!!" Yeah, cuz, w/all those things not xxcepted--it really didn't look good on her!

Howard, I asked Liz, and it looks like Liz is going 2 pass on that one wedding venue. Thanx, tho! Jeremy, yeah, that lady we ran in2 was whacked! Dunc, I cannot believe U downed 17 XL dbl-dbls @ HT's last nite!

Apes

Dad and Liz have an actual conversation?

It seems that after Dad emerged from the workshop, barely scathed by the glove 2 his head (via Mom), he found Liz sitting on the back deck with Edgar (Dixie was tied up sumwhere, prolly). Dad was all, "I hear the wedding plans have been moved ahead!" And Liz sed, "It's b-cuz of Grandpa, Dad. I want him 2 B there." Dad told her, "Yr mother wd like that, 2." Liz sez she felt herself getting a gobsmacked look on her face, cuz Mom had been acting all like having Gramps there was no thing and no reason 2 rush.

Dad sat down on the steps and told Liz, "It's been so nice 2 have him here. I never really knew my grandparents. They died when I was v. young." Liz sed, "I wish he wasn't [sic] so frail. I wish he wd just... live 4ever." And Dad was all, "That's what makes life so precious, hon...." Then he sat down next 2 Liz, put an arm around her, and sed, "We... all of us... R a 'time-limited offer.'" Liz sez she had this weird vision of ppl clipping out a pic of her and Dad sitting 2gether like that, and taping it 2 their fridges. Weird.

What no1 has told me yet was what happed when Liz clued in Anthony on this decision having been made abt their wedding. W/out consulting him and all. W8 and C, eh?

Apes

Did Mom challenge Dad 2 a Duel?

Okay, so after Mom had the convo w/Liz I told U abt yesterday? She went and found Dad in his workshop. Usually when Dad's in his workshop, Mom's content 2 4get abt him 4 days, wks, or even months @ a time. But I guess the whole "Liz's wedding" thing is something she thinx is worth interrupting him 4.

So when Mom told Dad the thing that Liz sed abt a summer wedding, Dad's reaction was, "A summer wedding? THIS summer?" Mom sed, "I think so, John. My Dad is really not well. If Elizabeth wants him 2 C her married in my mom's dress..." Gah, it's NOT Grandma Marian's dress! Dad sed, "Hmmm..." Then he sed, "So, what U're saying is: Our lives R abt 2 B plunged in2 a frenzy of party plans and pandemonium!" Mom sed, 'R U OK wh/that?" Dad told her, "Sure...I don't have 2 do NEthing." Which inspired Mom 2 pick up a rubber glove from the work table and throw it 2 Dad's hed.

Wow, so she's back 2 throwing things @ Dad's hed. I thot she'd broken herself of that habit. And a glove, 2. I wonder if she was trying 2 throw it in his face, 2 challenge him 2 a duel. Did she think she was Cyrano DeBergerac? She has the nose 4 it! And speaking of habits, I thot Dad was over his habit of flaunting his unwillingness 2 help out w/NEthing that's not rel8ed 2 dentistry or choo-choos.

Jeremy, abt yr, er, stanky problem. I'll come by w/sum special soap rite after I finish posting this.

Mike, I AM NOT GOING 2 MARRY GERALD! GET THAT THRU YR THICK SKULL!!!

Apes

Mom tells Liz there's no rush

When Liz dropped me off after giving me a ride home from my visit w/Gramps, she and Mom had a sit-down in the kitchen. Liz told Mom, "Mom, I really don't want 2 rush in2 this marriage. I want 2 take my time." Mom sed, "Of course U do. My Dad saw U in my mother's [yeah, right!] wedding dress, Elizabeth. He doesn't have 2 C U walk down the aisle. It's enuf 4 him 2 know U're happy and have solid plans 4 the future. Don't rush. Take yr time. This decision is yrs and Anthony's 2 make. Do what's right 4 U." Then Liz sed, "On the other hand... A summer wedding wd B nice!"

Hm, I think Mom mighta used sum reverse-psych there, don't U? Notice she never sed that Liz seems 2 B having 2nd thots about marrying Anthony @ all, and that mayB this means he really isn't the one 4 her after all. Doesn't it sound like Liz's fear of "rushing" pts 2 that?

Apes

Liz took my car again and I laid on Gramps-guilt

Since Liz had borrowed my car again (cuz she dinged hers and needed 2 get the ding pulled out @ Gordo's Garage and Grill), I needed rides to/from Gramps's place 4 my recent visit. Dad had dropped me off, and Liz picked me up. This felt pretty lame, since I'd just finished bragging 2 Gramps abt having gotten my licence.

But anyway. Liz. As I was fastening my seatbelt, I was all, "Thanks 4picking me up, Liz." I figured if I didn't butter her up a bit, I'd NEVER get my car back. Liz went, "No problem!... How's Gramps?" I sed, "The truth? --He's not doing well. Every time I C him, he's more frail, more tired... It's scary. If U want him 2 B @ yr wedding, Sis--U'd better set a d8 soon. Seriously." Liz sed, "MayB U're rite. It's just that... I don't want 2 rush in2 anything! I want 2 take it a day @ a time!" I replied, "I know. But I don't think he has many days left."

Apes

Gobsmacking over kids and wheelchairs

Early this morning, Mike and Dee came by the house w/Merrie and Robin, 2 beg Mom, last minute, 2 take the kids so they can attend sum kinda seminar 2gether in Toronto. Mom was like, "I dunno. Grandchildren R the gift that keeps giving. So what do I get?"

Mike was like, "Well, I have a heartwarming story 4 U. Dee and I heard abt all the credit April was getting 4 being the only Patterson who spends quality time with Grandpa Jim. And of course I couldn't let that stand! So Dee and I arranged 2 take him out 4 a picnic lunch, yesterday afternoon!"

Dee said, "Even tho it was 31 C [87 F 4 U Yanks], I insisted that we all wear jackets."

Mike added, "That's the Patterson way!"

Dee continued, "As I was zipping Robin's jacket, I said, 'I want U 2 to B on yr best behavior [sic] 2day.' Then, 2 make sure the children 'understood' what was going on, I added, 'We're going 2 take Great-Grandpa Jim 2 the park 4 sum fresh air.'"

Mike sed, "Did U know we have a blue SUV?" Mom and I both shook our heads and he said, "Well, we do! And as we parked in the wheelchair-logo parking area, I told Grandpa Jim, 'The kids R so xxcited abt bringing U 2 the park 2day, Grandpa!' And Grandpa Jim replied, 'Yes!' April, did U notice he sez that a lot?"

I said, "Of course. 'Yes' is one of the words he's able 2 say w/his aphasia, U dope! And what U call a 'wheelchair logo' is a pictogram meaning 'handicapped'!"

Mike said, "There U go, being a know-it-all again!" Mom nodded really hard.

Dee said, "Once we'd gotten every1 out of the car, and we were nearing a picnic table, I declared, 'Here's a perfect picnic spot!"

Mike went, "Yes, and I sed, 'Looks good 2 me!' Also, I thought Gramps would enjoy hovering, so I lifted his wheelchair in the air a bit on the way 2 the picnic table."

I sed, "Mike, that's dangerous!"

Mike was all, "Nonsense, April, Gramps obviously thought it was fun. He grunted in delight!"

Dee was like, "Elly, I was so proud, because the children were being so attentive of their great-grandpa! Merrie asked if he wanted to sit at the table, and Robin asked if he cd help!"

Mike grumbled, "And Grandpa answered with that ever-present 'yes' of his! But in any event, I got him out of the wheelchair and seated at the picnic table."

Dee added, "Meredith was so cute, holding on2 her great-grandpa's rite arm and making sure he was seated safely! Once he was, she and Robin both asked him if he was OK. He said, 'Yes.'"

Mike said, "C what I mean?" Every1 ignored him. He added, "When my son asked him if he was 'comftorful,' Grandpa Jim said it again. 'Yes.' Then I told my children, 'Robin and Meredith, that was so nice. U helped a lot just now--and I want U 2 know that I'm proud of U 4 being so thoughtful."

Dee told us, "That's when Meredith said, 'Grampa? ...Cd we play w/yr wheelchair?' U shd have seen it, Elly and April! Michael and Jim had matching 'gobsmacked' looks on their faces!"

Mom chuckled and said, "Kids! They say the darndest things! OK, U're rite, my heart is warmed. U can leave the kids here. But U mite want 2 start thinking of a nice little 'surprise' 2 bring me when U return. My heart can only stay warm 4 so long."

Dee went, "Thanks, Elly!" as Mike said, "Thank U, Mommy!" Then they teararsed outta there like they'd just robbed a bank.

Mom sed, "April, take these food scraps 2 yr dad in his workshop. It's time 4 him 2 feed." So I did.

Apes

Oldies for the oldies

After dinner w/Gramps and Iris (during which no1 but me ate the salad), Iris started 2 help Gramps away from the table while saying, "I think Jim needs a rest now, April." Channeling my MOM, I was all, "But we haven't had dessert!" Then I felt embarrassed cuz that was such an Elly Patterson kind of objection. But Iris just went, "That's OK. Y don't U bring yr guitar in2 his room? He luvs 2 hear U play." Once Gramps was tucked in2 his bed, and I was sitting by his side w/my guitar, I went, "NE requests from the audience?" And Iris sed, "Well, sum golden oldies, of course!" And I sed, "Umm--I'll C what I can do." I thot 4 a sec, and then sed, "Here's sumthing from way back in 1985!" And I had a feeling that Iris was behind me looking gobsmacked, and then it occurred 2 me that 1985 is, like, "just yesterday" 2 old foax.

Oh wells. I played "Bring on the Dancing Horses" by Echo and the Bunnymen. Which became even more popular the following yr, when it was featured on the soundtrack of the classic old move, Pretty in Pink. Since I had that soundtrack on my mind, I also played "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want" by the Smiths, "Left of Center" by Suzanne Vega, and "Wouldn't it Be Good" by Danny Hutton Hitters.

Then I realized Gramps was asleep, so I tiptoed outta his room. MayB this story will continue in my blog entry Monday, or mayB we go 2 sumthing completely diff. I dunno abt 2morrow, but I accidentally found out that a week from 2morrow is gonna B a boring reminisce from Dad.

Apes

Standing Ovation

More abt my recent visit w/Gramps. We were sitting @ the table having tea and cookies, and I told Gramps, "We're almost finished school, Grampa--and I have a summer job @ a veterinary clinic here in town!" And Gramps went "Yes?" Then I sed, "It's just cleaning cages and doing odd jobs, but it's all pretty interesting! ...I got my driver's license [sic] [back in December]. I'm a good driver, 2. U'd B proud of me!" Then, I was saying this: "Oh, and I got an award in music. I got top marks in performance and composition!..." And while I was saying that stuff, Gramps pushed up in2 a standing position while saying, "MMM HHH," and I asked, "Gramps? ...Grampa! R U OK?" And I was relieved that he was saying MMM HHH and not MMM MMM, which has a diff meaning.

Gramps was standing there, supporting himself w/his arms, and kind of nodding his head. I was confused abt this, and went, "What R U doing?!! IRIS?!!" I started 2 stand up as Iris sed, "Don't worry, dear." Then she kind of led me in2 a hug w/Gramps, while saying, "...He just wants 2 give U a standing ovation!!" I was surprised she knew that just from him standing and nodding, but I guess when U're w/sum1 all the time, U know stuff, eh?

So, now U know my summer plans--staying local insteada going 2 the farm in Manitoba. Mom sed I had 2 stay in town in case Liz got it 2gether 2 have a wedding, like mayB in August or whatevs.

Jeremy, I thot studying w/U last nite was v. v., um, productive. <3 <3 <3

Apes

Crying

So, the day after my recent mall trip, I did go 2 visit Gramps and Iris. Gramps was sleeping when I got there, so we went in2 the bedroom, and I was all, "Grampa? Grampa..." I noticed that his glasses and the remote control were next 2 him on the bed. Iris went, "April's here 2 C U, Jim. April's here!" Gramps went, "Mm?" Iris kinda pulled him up 2 a seated position while saying, "Let me help U up." And Gramps sed, "Yes?" Then Iris sed 2 me, "Put the tea on, wd U, sweetheart?" And I sed, "Sure." While I was putting the tea on, I cd hear Iris saying, "She brought her music and a box of yr favourite cookies, and she's going 2 stay 4 dinner." C, I decided 2 bring more than time. And Gramps sed, "Yes?" Once I'd gotten the tea into 2 teapot and the cups set up on the counter, Iris opened the bedroom door and sed, "He's so pleased 2 C U, he wants 2 walk our here on his own, so U can C how well he's doing!" Then Gramps came out of the bedroom, struggling w/all his might 2 walk out using his walker. And his struggle made me so sad, I thought, "I want 2 cry."

Jeremy, I hafta say our visit w/yr grandparents last nite was v. interesting. I was surprised they knew so much abt my life, yr life, our friends' lives, and how things "work" in Mboro. It's almost like they sit around each day finding out stuff that happens 2 us and discussing it in gr8 detail 2 make jokes abt us!

Also, I luv U, 2!!! <3 <3 <3

Apes

Giving time 2 Gramps

So, after Eva bought that shirt she wanted w/out needing, and I had that creepy thought bubble abt giving Mom "credit," I told Eva I wanted 2 get sumthing from The Stuffed Shirt, which sells menswear and accessories. At reasonable, affordable places. (U guyz know where 2 send that cheque, eh?)

Once we were inside, Eva aked me, "What R U looking in here 4?" And I sed, "I want 2 find sumthing 4 my grandpa." I started looking @ ties, and I told Eva, "I like 2 take him stuff when I visit, but Eva, it's so difficult! He doesn't read very much, he doesn't go NEwhere... He can't hear very well... Abt all that's left is food!" I went eyeless 4 a mo during that last sentence, which made it hard 2 C the tie I was looking @. Eva sed, "So... get him sum chocolate!" And I sed, "He's not supposed 2 have candy.

I put down the tie, and we left the store in absolute silence. Then, once we were back out in the general mall area, Eva continued w/"So, what can U give him?" With my hands stuck in2 my pants pocket, Patterstyle, I sed, "My time." No, w8, I sed, "...My time."

Jeremy, sorry I didn't post @ all last nite while we were bowling w/Eva and Dunc. I was a bit distracted by how cute U R when U bowl!

Apes

Giving Mom "credit"

Ugh, I don't wanna tell U what happened next, after Eva bought that belt, but I guess I kind of have 2.

We were walking from one store 2 another, and Eva was all, "U're not gonna buy NEthing, April?" And I sed, "Nah. I don't have much money." We walked in2 a store, and Eva was like, "I just use my mom's credit card!" I sed, "Well, I hafta use my own cash--unless my mom's with me... an' then she uses her credit card." Eva started 2 look @ sum tank tops displayed on a table, and sed, "Bummer. She ought 2 trust U w/the card, man. I mean U're just gonna get stuff U NEED! And then we silently went 2 the checkout w/a shirt Eva had decided 2 buy, and once we got there, I continued our convo w/"Do U need that shirt?" And she was all, "Not really, but I like it." As we left that store I thought.......... Oh, no. I can't. I can't.

OK, I have 2. I thought, "I should give my mom credit!" Ugh, it was like my brain had been taken over by sum smug 60yo in Corbeil, who can't resist lame wordplay (credit/credit) and has 2 get in a message abt Elly Patterson being the bestest evah!!!!11!! Not only that, but I realize I was starting 2 have judgmental thought bubbles abt Eva, just like I used 2 w/Becky when our friendship was abt 2 go down the pooper. Uh-uh, I'm afraid Eva is abt 2 have the official "Becky" treatment. Next thing U know, Michael will B referring 2 her as "that slattern Eva" and my dad will B saying stuff abt her being 2 ambitious. Or fashionable. Or whatevs.

I'm scared.

Apes

Trying and buying at the mall

Eva's my friend and, when she's not giving me a smackdown 2 make me feel "spoiled," she's pretty cube. But she has some learning 2 do abt shopping etiquette.

While Connie and Mom were bizzy slurping coffee and remembering boring shizz that happened way back in 1980, Eva and I headed 2 one of the clothes stores in the mall (I'd mention which one, but then I'd xxpect them 2 pay me 4 the product placement!). Eva tried on a bunch of outfits. She got me 2 hold the clothes she wasn't wearing @ NE given moment. With each outfit, she wore this one belt that she liked. After she'd tried on the whole stack of clothes, she brought them ALL 2 the checkout counter where the saleslady, who'd been watching kind of anxiously as Eva tried on all those clothes, was all, "So, R we ready now?" And Eva went, "Yeah, totally!" Then she slammed the stack of clothes on2 the counter, where the saleschick took a moment 2 fold them all up v. v. neatly. And Eva went, "...I'll take the belt!"

Later, I told her, "Eva, I'm not sure how things were done in whatever place U lived where U were in a war zone, but here in Canada, U take the stuff U don't plan to buy and hang 'em up on those racks rite outside the fitting rooms. Or put 'em back on the racks U got 'em from. Then U take ONLY the stuff U plan 2 buy 2 the checkout counter. If U bring all that stuff U don't want, the poor sales clerk thinks a big sale is abt 2 happen. It's totally unfair." Eva sed, "At least I'm not spoiled." Shut up, Eva.

Apes

Newsflash: Dogs pee on trees

We're back in the present, @ least 4 2day, but U will B so bored, U mite hardly notice. Mom and Dad went 2 Lawrence's biz, Lakeshore Landscaping, and bought a new tree 4 the yard. The Lakeshore guys delivered the tree, and rite after Mom and Dad put the new tree in the ground, and mounted the supports 4 it, Edgar decided this was a good time 2 break in the new tree by peeing on it. U know, dog logic: new, unmarked tree in the yard. Let the other doggies know whose tree it is. Then Mom and Dad yelled @ him 4, like, behaving like a dog. And he got so confused, he collapsed next 2 a coupla older trees and thought-bubbled a red "?".

During all this, Dixie may or may not have been locked in a cage, where it's EZer 4 Mom and Dad 2 4get that they have a 2nd doggie.

Apes