Liz's arrival home 2 wks ago

Yup, still talking abt two wks ago, the nite of Mike's "I'm Mike, worship me" party in TO.

Jeremy, remember when U had this weird premonition recently, an' U didn't know what it meant, and I had a feeling it was gonna end up having 2 do w/Liz? Well, listen up 2 what Liz just told me abt when she arrived home:

According 2 Liz, when she an' Warren got 2 the house, Warren was all, "That was a fun party, Liz. I'm glad U invited me." And Liz was all, "I am 2. I had a nice time." And then she sez Warren grabbed her by the shoulders, saying "We're going 2 get 2gether again, Rn't we?" And Liz told him, "I really like U, Warren. I really do. Let's just C what happens.... OK?" Warren pressed on w/"I'll B flying out 2morrow but I'll B back in a wk. Tell me U'll C me in a wk! I'm not leaving until U say U'll C me!" Then he took a breath and sed, "Say yes!" Liz sed "Yes." Then she quickly let herself in2 the door and she looked out as Warren leapt up in2 the air, all "I'm not gonna w8 until 2morrow... I'm flying NOW!"

Mike overheard Liz telling me abt all this, and he was like, "I like the man's style, Sistwirp. Kind of reminds me of myself when I extracted an "I love you" out of Dee for the first time by refusing 2 get down from Gordo's roof until she did. Ah, good times! 2 bad he's doomed since he was never yr "childhood sweetheart."

Then they got in2 this whole argument abt the "racist corollary" 2 the Patterson-Richards Accord of 1979, which Liz sez Mom showed her in secret. Mike insisted that Paul was out of the running cuz of that whole "not a childhood sweetheart" thing. And he raised sum doubts abt whether what Mom showed her was real or just sumthing Mom showed her 4 her own "Mom" reasons. Mom overheard them arguing, and she sed, "Arguing about things they don't understand. Boy does that take me back. Well, neither of you knows about the 'Duncan Anderson is eminently suitable' subclause from the mid nineties. Really, you should all come 2 ME when you have questions about these matters!"

NEway, we had a hella good time @ Koolhaus last nite. Vicks was rite abt that drummer being v. cube. He works @ the music store I go 2 downtown sumtymez. Ger has sum criticism of his style--he's all "G-Dawg gots the mad drumming skillz!" I'm just glad that when we danced, Ger didn't insist on the ol' ballroom dancing!

Apes

Getting Ger a Cab

So back 2 the nite of Saturday, March 17, 2007 (Mike's "Ladies an' Gentoids" Party). I knew Dad wd feel the need 2 pop downstairs an' say good nite, so I held tite a mo and w8ed. Sure enuf, there was Dad, all, "C U in the morning, honey. Thanx 4 holding down the fort." And I was, like, "G'nite, Dad."

"$! Gotta find sum $!" I thot, as I foned a cab co. while digging thru my backpack. On the fone, I was all, "Hello? Cd U send a cab 2 Sharon Park Drive?" I met Ger outside w/the $ and the wine bottle, saying "Gerald! Ditch the bottle! Here's 14 bucks. It's all I've got. A cab's gonna meet U on the corner!" As Ger ran off, I was thinking, "GO!" And I have a weird feeling that upstairs inside, Dad was snuggling up 2 Mom saying sumthing like, "::sigh:: ...It's so nice 2 know we have a teenager we don't have 2 worry abt!"

So, Ger, I think mayB U need 2 apologize a lil bit 4 that whole thing in yr song abt me leaving U out in the cold 2 save my own skin. I got that fone call 2 the cab co. as fast as I possibly cd, yo!

Apes

Thanking the goodness

What I'm abt 2 tell U only tells U a tiny chunk of what happed next on the nite of Saturday, March 17, after Mom an' Dad returned from the "Whoo-hoo, Mike" party in TO and almost caught me an' Ger lookin' kinda beast-with-two-backs-ish (not that we were gonna do the deed, but it looked bad). What I'm abt 2 tell U can't even qualify as advancing the PLOT, and I'm getting frustr8ed with my memory, cuz really this is all I can remember @ the mo.

I'd gotten Ger out the back door, U'll remember. As she was hanging up her coat, Mom was all, "How were the little ones? Did they go 2 bed OK?" And I responded, "Uh-huh. They were fine." Then she was, like, "Did U have a nice evening?" I leaned against the wall, crossed my arms, and sed, "I just watched TV." Mom got in2 interview mode, all "What did U watch? A movie?" I sed, "Nah. Just stuff." Mom actually pressed on w/"Reality show?" Me: Not really. Then, she was all, "So, nothing 2 talk abt." And I was like, "Nope." Then I was thinking "Thank goodness," as I kinda ran down the stairs 2 the rec room, remembering I had evidence 2 destroy. And I had a bad feeling Mom was looking on w/suspicion.

Mike, Liz sez that when I turn 16 on Sunday, I can xxpect 2 get a "surge" of Patterson allure. Suppose Ger and I went on a "break," and I went on a bunch of d8's (just d8's!) with an assortment of guyz (from school and mayB one or two from the music shop). And suppose those guys fell in luv w/me and did sum of the stuff on the list 2 make me want 2 marry them. Wd this open them all as options? And if so, mayB I shd also d8 sum Manitoba guys this summer, in case I end up there. Oh, I just realized. That guy Steve I befriended @ the farm, summer B4 last? He mite also qualify as a childhood sweatheart! NEway, thanx 4 trying 2 help me w/this, Mike.

Apes

Not getting caught

So, Ger an' I were goin' @ it on the sofa bed, when suddenly we heard this "GRAAAAAKKKKKK" sound, and Ger was like, "What was that?" And I sed, "I dunno... Sounds like the garage door opening!" Then of course, I realized--and I jumped offa the bed, yanking @ Ger's t-shirt an' saying, "My parents R home!" Ger looked @ his watch, all, "But it's only 11 o'clock!" And I was all, "Get yr coat on! Hurry! U gotta GO!!!" We got up the stairz from the rec room, and I kinda shoved him towards the back door, while going, "Back door! Back door!--I'll call U a cab!" And Ger protested, "I don't have NE $!" But there was no time 2 deal w/that, I hadta get him OUT! Then, like a second after I got Ger @ the door, Mom an' Dad appeared, all "Hi, Honey! We thot we'd find U in bed!" And I was like, "I was!" And then I thot, "...But I'm not... and U didn't."

Boy, was that close! Now U mite B wondering if sumthing went v. v. wrong an' the 'rents figured out what Ger an' I were up 2. Stayed tuned!

Apes

Fun w/ppl my own age

After Ger an' I had that wine (yeah U R rite Howard, it wasn't bad!) we kinda stretched ourselves out on the sofa bed (in the rec room), wrapped our arms around each other, and started 2 make out. What we didn't realize @ the time (how cd we?) is that Mom an' Dad were already on their way back from Mike's "I'm the bestest" party @ Weed's.

From what I heard l8r on, it seemz Mom (who had suddenly b-come way, way short compared 2 Mike), went up 2 Mike and put one hand on one of his shoulders, all, "It's kind of crowded in here, honey--and it's getting late. I think yr Dad and I will B heading home." And I hear that Mike helped Mom button the top button of her coat while saying, "Thanx 4 coming, Mom!"

I hear that as Mom an' Dad left the bldg, Dad was all, "Mike has sum wonderful friends!" And that Mom was like, "Yes--that was quite the party! ...I'm afraid I can't take 2 much of that sort of thing NEmore." Hmm, I wonder what sort of thing, xxactly, this was!

NEway, I'm told that in the car on the way home, Mom was saying, "I hope April isn't hurt that we went w/out her," and that Dad replied, "She was invited Elly. She sed she'd rather stay home and babysit!"

So that sets up the sitch 4 U. I guess U can do the math that leads up 2 the conclusion that Ger and I got caught in a compromising sitch when the 'rents got home. But I've gotta leave U wondering 4 @ least another day, cuz my memory is fuzzing on me again.

Apes

Gerald's Arrival

In case U were wondering what mighta been going on back @ the house during the party, I'll tell U what happed. I know there were ppl guessing on this based on what Ger had sed @ school when I told him abt the babysitting, but I actually kinda 4got all that once I had gotten the littles 2 sleep an' all. So I was startled when Ger showed up @ the door. I was all, "Gerald! What R U doing here?" And Ger was like, "R the kids asleep?" I was all, "Yeah, but..." Only B4 I had a chance 2 finish that sentence, Ger brushed by me all, "Look, I brought a bottle of wine an' sum toonz! We're gonna have our own party!" Me: "How did U get here?" Ger: "I bummed a ride! My folks think I'm out w/the guyz. I have until 12:30. Got NE food?" As Ger was saying all that, he was headed str8 4 the rec room. I went an' got sum chips and met him down there, and he was all, "This rec room is perfect, April! We have everything!" I was like totally pretending I didn't know abt the wine and went, "Yeah--a boom box, game station, big TV...." Just then, Ger leapt on2 the sofabed, plunked the bottle of wine next 2 him, draped one arm on2 the back of the sofa, and was all, "And... comfy accommodation!"

Well, I guess U wanna know whether I went roadside. U wanna know if I broke my pinky swear 2 Becks abt not going all the way w/a boy B4 age 16. And U mite also B wondering Y I w8ed until NINE days after the party 2 even bring this story up here @ the blog. But U know how Patterson storytelling is--I hafta keep U in suspense sum more. @ least until 2morrow morning, and prolly longer. Sorry!

Apes

Over and Over

Every once in a while, Mom likes 2 issue, like, lessons 2 every1 on being a married couple. Like just now, it just happed that every1 was having brekky @ the same time (usually we try 2 do shifts), and Mom decided w/every1 gathered it was a good idea 2 "impart the wit, the wisdom, the wry turn of phrase," or whatevs. So while I was eating my granola (bought myself and stashed away), and Liz had toast w/jam, and Dee had Special K, Mike had toasted waffles, Dad scarfed his "Toasty Trains" cereal, the littles had scrambled eggs, and mom devoured her chocolate-chip muffins and skim latte, Mom told us abt a recent visit she an' Dad had w/Gramps an' Iris.

Mom sez that while they were there, they of course had tea, and Iris served bran muffins with the tea ("Helps keep you regular, dears!"). Gramps sat on one end of the chesterfield, Dad on the opposite end, and Mom in the middle. Mom sez that she and Gramps looked at photo albums while Dad sorta looked askance @ them from his side of the couch. Mom kinda snuggled up 2 Gramps as he held the red album. (They had the blue album out, 2.)

When they were ready 2 leave, Mom was all, "We'll B leaving now, Iris." And Iris was all, "It's been a nice visit, dear." Then, 2 Gramps, Mom was like, "Goodbye, Dad. Take care of yrself." And when Gramps sed, "Yes," Mom went on w/"C U soon," and he sed "yes" again.

Gramps and Iris both came 2 the apt door 2 wave (usually Iris is the only one who does), and then Mom and Dad went out and in2 the car. As Mom was seatbelting herself, she sed, "John, I wonder what's going 2 happen 2 us. I wonder which one of us will B dependent 1st." Mom told us that Dad sed, "...I think abt that, 2." Mom was all, "I worry abt losing my memory." And then, "I can't imagine what wd happen if I cdn't remember who U were!" Mom paused dramatically B4 telling us what Dad sed next, our big clue that this was gonna B the clincher of her whole story: "Well..... We'd just have 2 keep falling in luv over and over again."

Me: But how do U know U wdn't get 2 know ea other again but not like ea other @ all?

Mom: April, that's ridiculous! Michael, can U believe yr Martian teenangster sister sed such a thing?

Mike: Sadly, Mother, nuthing that comes out of my baby sister's mouth surprises me NEmore! She certainly has a lot 2 learn!

Me (whispering 2 Liz): He is such a suck-up!

Liz: I know that! Do U think I don't know that? But I have my own problems! I found a message board last nite, and I thot it wd B nice B-cuz it's all abt discussing what's going on in Milboro, and I saw there were whole threads abt our family. But then I saw they call me the "Grieving Widow" and all sorts of other mean things. It is a mean, mean message bd.

Me: Oh, uh, sorry 2 hear it.

Mom: Can we get back on topic?

Dee: Elly, I thot that was a wonderful story. And so sweet! I'll bet U 2 wd fall in luv again over an' over again if U lost yr memory of each other.

Mom: Thank U! That's more like it!

Merrie: Robin spat on my eggs! Need new eggs!

And then things just sort of went off in2 a diff tangent.

Vicks, I M so glad I went w/U an' the other V-girls 2 Kool Haus. That was soooo much fun, and it was gr8 getting outta the Patterson Haus!

Apes

Arrows?

So I heard a bit more abt the "every1 look @ Mike" party a week ago @ Weed's studio. This time, what I heard was that Gordo an' Tracey went up 2 Liz an' Warren, and Gordo asked Liz 2 introduce him an' Tracey 2 her "friend." And Liz was all, "Gordon and Tracey Mayes, this is Warren Blackwood." And Warren went, "Whoa! [another whoa?] U own Mayes Motors out on the hiway, rite?!!" That's kind of a big ol' conclusion 2 leap 2, doncha think? Yeah, it happs that he lucked out and it turned out 2 B true, but imagine all the awkward if he'd been sum other "Mayes." It's not the world's most uncommon last name, eh?

NEhoodles, while Gordon and Warren talked, I hear that Tracey put a hand on one of Lizzie's arms and was all, "It looks like Gordon and Warren have it it off! ....Is he yr new beau?" Beau? Is Tracey turning 31 this yr or 91?!?!?!? Then it seemz Liz was all, "I don't want a new beau, Tracey. ....The last one left 2 many arrows." Sum ppl R saying that rite after that, Mike tapped her on the shoulder and sed, "Slightly older younger sis? Bravo for employing a pun here, and such an unexpected one! Some people might wonder what a beau has to do with archery, but they simply have to forget about spelling and go for the lovely homonym. Bow and arrows. That's wonderful. You'll be a married Patterson lady before you know it!" But I can't verify that last bit 4 sure.

Apes

Significant

Sum more of what I heard abt this past Saturday's "Mike's a bigshot" party @ Weed's place in TO.

I heard that Mom was all, "Oh, John (SNIFF!) [crying] I'm so proud! I've been reading Michael's work, helping 2 edit... I alwayz hoped he'd find a publisher... and now... ::HONK:: [blowing her nose]" And that Liz overheard this and kinda raised her brows while Dad smirked. Then I heard that Warren was all, "This is pretty amazing, Liz!" And Liz was like, "Yes. --I feel kind of insignificant next 2 my famous brother! Well, he's not famous yet, but..." And I heard that Warren cut her off, all "Hey. U'll never B insignficant!" And that when Liz went, "No?" Warren was like, "U cd become my 'significant' other!" Gah, what a bizarre way 2 ask sum1 2 have a longterm relationship w/U. And all in service of bad punnery. Y?

Apes

Mike loses his words

K, so now that it's Thursday, Mike's ready 2 share a bit of what happed @ his "OMG author!" party this past Saturday. Here's what he posted last nite:

April,

Little sis. Sometimes there are occasions or situations which can leave even the most accomplished speaker at a loss for words. Such was the scene at my Congratupalooza, when my good friend Josef Weeder stood on top of a previously-unseen platform to address the collected gathering of my well-wishers. Josef started off with, “Ladies and Gentoids, may I have your attention, please!” This is a perfectly normal way of addressing a crowd, except, of course, for the word “gentoid”. As I was standing there, I wracked my brain, running down the list of all the slang words I know, and yet a definition for “gentoid” did not come to mind. The obvious word derivation of the first syllable “gent-“ is short for “gentlemen”, which is the word which normally accompanies the word “ladies” in these kinds of addresses. However the suffix “-oid” means “resembling or like,” and is used in the formation of adjectives and nouns (and often implying an incomplete or imperfect resemblance to what is indicated by the preceding element), like anthropoid or planetoid. I was struck with fear. Had my good friend, Josef Weeder just insulted every man in the gathering, by saying that they were incomplete or imperfect gentlemen? And if that was his intention, did he say it out of jealousy for the male attention being given to me by my guests? It is true that I could not think of a man in the room who meant more to me than Josef Weeder, but is it possible that I had not communicated that to Josef in some way? Did he doubt me, after all the years we have been together?

I can tell you little sis. I feared what Josef would say next. Then he said, “Tonight’s soirée is in honor of writer extraordinaire – Michael Patterson! He has just signed his first contract with a publisher…” My mind was racing again. Josef used not one French word, but two. He knows how I and my whole family feel about the French. This was a definite insult. Not only that but he said “honor” without the “u”, which is a slight to all us Canadians. Those 3 words spelled “doom”, not the word but the outcome. I had done something to upset Josef. I looked down at all the people who had gathered before me. My friends, family, and business associates and they all went black, with a light white outline. They had gotten the subtle insult in Josef’s introduction. I rolled up the sleeves on my shirt and prepared to do physical battle in order to regain my honour, with a “u”. I know I had a grim look on my face as I approached Josef. Deanna later told me my face was less “grim” and more “old man without dentures in”, but it doesn’t matter. I made my way past the strangely-coloured balloons which were hanging in midair next to the platform.

Then Josef said, “On behalf of your friends and family-and this is from the heart, man…congratulations on becoming an AUTHOR. “ And as he said it, Josef put his hand to my heart. There were no more French words; after all, Josef could have said “auteur”. There was only the warm feeling I get whenever Josef touches my chest and his heartfelt congratulations. My bad feelings melted away like ice on a Milborough street. I should have known Josef would be feeling a tad jealous, but would never let it get in the way of our friendship. My feelings welled up inside of me. As the crowd started saying my name, the word balloons seemed to come at me from all sides--- to my left, to my right, disembodied directly over my head, and even cutting into the old brain cavity a bit. I could feel my eyes going googly. I could feel my head or my ego expanding or elongating. I am not sure which. It was too much for me, little sis. Your big brother, the soon-to-be-published, best-selling author had finally reached one of those situations I described in my first paragraph. I was speechless.

Then I remembered what my old English teacher had told me back in J school. She said, “Mike Patterson. When you have nothing to say, it really is better for you just to say you have nothing to say than to try to say something; because when you have nothing to say, your work is considerably worse than the awful material you produce when you do have something to say.” Those words came at me from my past and escaped onto my lips as I said, “Um…I…don’t know what to say.” I guess that old English teacher was right about something after all. Let that be a lesson to you little sis---When you have nothing to say, just say it.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Rn'tcha glad U asked? U didn't ask? Nev mind. Mike, it sounds like U just never noticed that Weed isn't v. smart and that he's pretty immature 4 a guy who's gonna B 31 this yr. I think that's Y the "gentoid." He prolly thot it sounded cool and "alternative" or sumsuch.

Apes

What I've heard

Well, as U know, while Mike's Congratupalooza party was going on @ Weed's place, this past Saturday, I was home babysitting the littles, Robin and Merrie. So what I'm gonna tell U is a lil of what I heard.

I heard that when Liz arrived with Warren, Liz was all, "I'm glad U cd come w/me 2nite Warren!" And then Warren sed, "Oh, is that what U have planned 4 us l8r?" Just kidding! Kidding, Liz, don't hit me! No, Warren was all, "Whoa! This is such a cool place!" There is way 2 much "whoa" in our collective lexicon, peeps! NEway, Liz was all, "These R all Mike's friends. Sum of them he's known since grade school. Others R writers and illustr8ors, bizness associates...."

Looking @ a photo on the wall, I hear Warren was all, "What is this, a photo studio?" And that Liz was, like, "Uh-huh. Jo [Jo?] has shot sum of the best-known models!" There's a rumour floating abt that @ just that pt, Warren was thinking, "Whoa! --Ask him 2 bag a couple 4 ME!!" But Liz insists there's no way that's true.

Apes

Wearing them out

So, like I sed on Sunday, babysitting the littles this past Saturday nite, during Mike's big-deal "look @ me" party @ Weed's, had me thinking of that other time I sat an' it didn't go so well. But thinking abt that gave me sum ideas on how it cd go better this time.

I started with sum running and chasing Merrie an' Robin around the house, as Merrie was all, "SHRIEK! Can't catch me, can't catch me!" Then I swooped Robin up into the air as Merrie reached up @ me like she wanted 2 have her turn next. Then I got down on the living room floor and balanced Merrie on my shins (gr8 resistance 4 yr lower abs, BTW). And we did a buncha stuff like that until the littles were totally conked an' ready 2 snooze.

After all that, I was sprawled out on the couch thinking, "The secret 2 successful babysitting is 2 wear the kids out." Of course, I also wore myself out, which mite B sum kinda "irony" thing that makes 60-yr-old ladies cluck-cluck and shake their heads an' stuff.

More on this Saturday story in 2morrow's entry.

Apes

Liz's "d8"

Liz asked me 2 help her get ready 4 Mike's party, so I was in her room and I asked her, "Who R U taking 2 Mike's party?" And Liz was totally, "I asked Warren, but it's nuthing serious. It's just 'a d8.'" Hrm, defensive, eh? Then, as I helped Liz zip up her slinky little spaghetti-strap dress, I was, like, "Really--if he's 'just a d8,' Y R U getting all dressed up?" And Liz was all, "No pt in wearing grubs!" I crossed my arms against my chest, all like "Is he gonna gly U 2 weed's place?" And while putting on her new necklace (matching her new earrings), Liz went, "No. He has a car. I told U, it's nuthing special. I just wanted sum1 2 keep me company." And as Liz walked off inher lil hoochie-mama getup, carrying her little accessory-type purse, I sed, "If U're wearing that, U'll want 'sum1" 2 keep U warm!"

NEway, this was this past Saturday. I think it will take @ least 1 wk of blog entries 2 tell U all abt that nite. Stay tooned.

Apes

Babysitting

Having 2 babysit Merrie an' Robin while Mike's "big-shot author" party was going on made me remember another time I babysat 4 Mike an' Dee recently. OMG, it was teh crazy. Even tho I sed "no problem" when Dee thanked me 4 sitting "again," in my head, I groaned.

When it was feeding time, Robin, in his hi-chair, like pushed his bowl in2 the air. And Merrie, sitting @ the table, just shoved hers away, all rejecty. L8r, they fought over a toy elephant, yelling an' screaming while they almost ripped the poor thing in half. Dee had told me they cd each have one choc-chip cookie each, so I gave them their cookies--and as I went 2 put away the box, they had a fit, pting @ the box and screaming 4 more! L8r still, Merrie put a red hat on the Dixierat while Robin rode on Eddie's ears (like I usta do w/poor Farley).

Duing bath time, the littles splashed an' carried on an' made a total MESS. @ bedtime, while reading the kiddiez their story, I actually fell asleep, I was so wiped out. Robin was having a bottle an' looking way younger than sum1 who just turned 2 this past November. @ least he was B4 I fell asleep.

Once I finally got Robin asleep in his crib an' Merrie in her bed, it wasn't much longer B4 Mike an' Dee got back. And after all that, I only got $25.

NEway, as he paid me, I thot, "Hah!-- ...U cdn't PAY me 2 have kids!!!" Oh, which reminds me--Edda cd U tell Seth the answer his no--I won't carry his baby as a surrogate.

Apes

Mike's stupid party is 2nite

So, even tho all this stuff I'm telling U abt happed last week, when Ger reminded me abt band practice on "Saturday," he really meant 2day rather than a wk ago. But NEway, I was waving 'bye 2 Shannon an' told him I hafta B back home by 6 2nite cuz I'm babysitting the littlez while Mike has his "ZOMG published-book guy" party. Ger was all, "Whoa! --U're not invited?!" And I was all, "Yeah, I was--but it's all older ppl, so I mite as well make sum green." And Ger was like, "U're gonna B home all alone? Hey... after the kiddies fall asleep, we cd practice!" And I was like, "Practice what?" And Ger planted a big ol' kiss on my mouth. Oh, and BTW, we were holding hands as we walked down the hall 2gether. So, remember that time in a monthly letter when I sed that stuff abt how Ger and I didn't kiss or hold hands in public? LOLz, I prolly had U goin' there 4 a while, eh?

Oh, and even tho the party will B 2nite, I prolly won't B able 2 find out what happs there until Monday morning. U know how Sundays R w/my fam: We don't call 'em "Now 4 sumthing completely different Sundays" 4 nuthin'.

Apes

P.S. Liz, if U really think Mom will let U an' Anthony cage me, U really R stupid! Mom mite get aggro'ed w/me an' all, but she's never going 2 let the world think she's "that mom"--the one who let her batshit-crazy, lard-butt spinster daughter cage her teenager. MayB U need 2 go back on thoze antidepressant meds U stole fr Gramps! (But NOT the stool softener!)

I dunno what I was on about

Hey, peeps, so I'm still talking abt my convo w/Shannon @ school last week. This time, Shannon asked me if ppl calling her "retarded" means she's stupid, and I sed it doesn't, and I went in2 this whole thing abt how when a flite's delayed @ the airport, the French signs are all "en retard" 2 mean the planes R on their way but not there yet. And Shannon was like, "So ...what ...they're ...saying ...is ...'I'm ...on my way ...but I'm ...not there yet'?" And I was all, "Xxactly," and how I thot the peeps who call her "retarded" will prolly never GET THERE @ all. And Shannon posted her perspective in a comment last nite:

April,

I was so excited to read your Real Blog this week, since it was about how I comforted you when your sister called you “picky face.” One of the best ways to make you feel better is to ask you a question about something I already know. I got a copy of Retarded Isn't Stupid, Mom! by Sandra Z. Kaufman a long time ago. When I asked you the question, I thought you would say something like, “Stupid is as stupid does.” or “’Stupid’ comes from the Latin stupidus = stup(ére) which means ‘to be numb or stunned’ and ‘retarded’ comes from the Latin retardāre which means ‘to delay’”.

Your answer surprised me. You said I was like a late airplane, from an airport sign in French. My dad says when airplanes are “late on arrival” all the time that means the airline company is run by idiots and stupid people, who can’t get their plane schedules right. Also, everyone knows what your family thinks about the French. When you explained “’En retard’ means it’s on its way, but it’s not there yet”, I was so confused all I could do was repeat it back to you. I told my brother Blair about it, and he said, “En retard” just means “late”. I guess you were making up a new definition to make me feel better. Or maybe you didn’t do very well in French class.

But then you compared the people who call me “retarded” to airplanes who never get there, like they crashed. I was confused again. I asked my brother Blair about it and he said, “I thought April’s boyfriend Gerald was one of the ones who called you ‘retarded’?” I said he was, but I was careful not to give you his name in my list of ‘retarded’-calling people, because it would have messed up my whole plan to comfort you. Then Blair said, “Maybe get there is about sex.” I thought about you and Gerald, and I realized my brother could be right. Everyone knows he is never going to “get there” with you, after that time with the posters about your 16th birthday.

It was a good lesson for me, April. I thought I would make you feel better to tell me something I already know, but then you told me things I had a hard time figuring out. Even though I was confused, it seemed to make you feel better, so I think I am still the best at comforting you. I notice you didn’t say anything to Eva Abuya about being called “picky face.” I can’t wait until your sister calls you another name. I will be ready for it.

Love,
Shannon Lake

Yeah, sorry I babbled, Shannon. Sumtymes I just don't know what I'm talking abt, but I run w/it NEway, esp. if I believe I'm making sum1 feel better.

Apes

On a Very Special ARB: it's mean 2 say "retarded"

Yeah, I feel like this entry's gonna B like an after-school special or a "very special episode" of sum bad show U were only watching cuz it's betw 2 other shows U enjoy an' U cdn't B arsed 2 change the channel 4 half an hr.

More abt last week in school, when I had told Shannon Lake abt Liz calling me "picky face" an' how Shannon had sed it's better than being called "retarded." So, continuing on w/our convo, I was all, "Shannon--who calls U 'retarded'"? And Shan rattled off a list: "Jeremy ...Jones ....Bianca.... ...Miriam ...An' that ....guy ...over there. They call every1 in special needs retarded." I was all, I HATE them 4 that!" And Shan was like, "I don't. They ...just don't ...understand. They just ...don't ...know us!" I was all, "They're ignorant an' they're mean!" Shannon sed, "Well ...it's ...not their ...fault if ...they were born ...that way." Hm, but WERE they? Isn't this behaviour learned? Well, NEway, I'm glad it's not like I'm d8ing sum1 who ever talks this way. I'd just HATE.... Oh, w8. Um, look over there. Yeah, behind you. I thought I saw, erm, sumthing shiny? Pretty? Never mind, it musta been the sun in my eyes!

Apes

Shannon last wk

Yeah, so one of the reasons I got so upset on Monday when Liz called me "picky face" was cuz she'd been calling me that 4 @ least a week an' I was getting s00per-sick of it. I even told Shannon abt it in school last week, back when we were still looking forward 2 this wk being March vacation (even tho my vacation suxx eggs).

So, like, I was @ my locker, and Shannon came along, as she likes to do when I'm having a crisis (not "cry-sis," Liz!), and she was all, "Hi, April! ...Are U ...OK? ...U ...don't ...look ...OK." I was, like, "Hi, Shannon. My sister and I Rn't getting along. She thinx she's so gr8! This morning she called me 'picky face'! Like I was sum kinda, I dunno. I mean, how wd U like 2 B called 'picky face'?!!" Then as we started 2 walk down the hall, she was all, "It's ...better ...than being ...called ...retarded!" And I guess I looked gobsmacked just then. This was supposta B one of those moments that puts things in perspective 4 me an' makes me realize I don't have it so bad. Xxcept the very next time Liz called me "picky face," I got upset all over again. And she mite as well have sed "retarded" cuz in the way she sed "picky face," U cd tell that's really what she meant.

Apes

Laughing last?

So, the next thing that happed after we were all showered up an' dressed was that Liz an' I both needed brekky. Liz was sitting @ the table having her coffee an' toast, and I was totally jonesing 4 Granola, so natch it was all gone. When I asked who ate it all, Liz was like, "I dunno. ...Mike, probably." Friggin' Mike! Then I was all, "There's no more milk!" And Liz was, like, "Have toast 4 heaven's sake! Don't B such a picky face!" Which is kinda funnee considering how picky-riffic Liz is. I went, "WHAT DID U CALL ME?" All indignant, putting one hand to my chest. And Liz was all, "Oh, 4get it , April We're both in a hurry. We're both upset. I've got to go to work. U have a bus 2 catch. Let's get on with..." And I interrupted with, "LARD BUTT!" Then, as Liz shot me a dirty look over her shoulder, I cried, all "SNIFF," while thinking, "She who laffs last, laffs best." OMG, I have been spending way 2 much time in that crowded house!

Liz posted this last nite, 2 xxplain Y she hasta work during the March vacation:

April,

We had an extra-special teacher in-service day, and in fact it was so special that it was just for teachers who are Pattersons, I was very excited about this and so couldn't be late you see, when I got to the school, all the most important people were there, the principal and the superintendent and some people from the provincial department of education, and this one lady, I didn't catch where she was from exactly, her name was Linda or Lily or Laura or Lynn or something like that, anyway she was older-ish like Mom's age, except with short hair, which surprised me because it is only proper for older ladies to have a bun, but anyway, this lady said she makes the rules, she doesn't have to follow them, and oh we had a good laugh at that, and then the superintendent said something about things I need to improve on in my work performance and of course the stuff he said was just filled with mistakes, I started to correct him and the principal jumped in, and of course all he wanted to talk about is how much school I have missed because of the trial, he says that trials for t-shirt grabbing don't go on for months and months, and I pointed out how it got remanded, and then he said, "Remanded means you could be in school," and we argued and argued until I started to cry and Leslie or Liane or Lynette or whatever her name is broke it up and said, "Elizabeth is a Patterson, surely there is something we can do here," and the person from the Ontario education whatever said, "Of course, all is forgotten, but she has to buckle down," and I swore I would buckle down, so I am probably going to be going to work every day this week, to show them how I am buckling up or whatever.

Liz

P.S.--Did your hair actually catch on fire or not, you know, I didn't know that madness could make your head catch fire, really, when you are mad you should not put a towel on your head, you won't need it anyway, the heat of the fire will eflaporate the water off your hair.

Dang, too bad she's not spending the week on soooper-secret apt-hunting. And no, my hair didn't catch fire.

Speaking of my hair, mom gave a memo from the Johnston Institute with "hairstyles April can try that might not keep people from knowing who she is." I tried the one with my hair down, but with the front hair pulled back with a hair clip.

Oh, and the reason I was rushing off was cuz I was helping out @ Lilliput's. If I start telling U abt stuff that happed @ school, it will B cuz I'm reminiscing abt last week.

Apes

Did U know we have a bathroom in the laundry room?

So I was finishing my shower, minding my own bizness, when I heard Liz yelling rite outside the bathroom: "April, can I use the bathroom? I've gotta go 2 work!" I was, like, "Use the 1 in the laundry room!" Liz knocked on the door and yelled, "Dad's in there! What's taking U so long!" I didn't answer her, but I came out, wearing my pants on my bottom half and my robe on my top. I had my hair up in a towel-turban, and I was carrying the rest of my clothes. And I was all, "OK, I'm OUT!! --Happy?" Liz went, "AAAGH! It's all steamed up!!" I spun around 2 face her, and I got so mad I cd feel steam coming out of the top of my hed. This was kinda painful and made me scrunch up my face. Liz was suddenly all, "Uh... I'll deal w/the steam in the bathroom."

Gah, I h8 living in theze crowded conditions!

Mom shaves her sheets

When U have 2 many ppl cooped up in one house, the weirdest things get their interest. Yesterday afternoon, I was walking by the master bedroom, an' I noticed that Mom, Mike, an' Dee were all in the room. I went in an' was all, "Y is there a crowd in her?" And Mike was all, "Mom's shaving the sheets!" This wasn't xxactly a surprise 2 me, cuz Mom has already xxplained 2 me that she uses a "nice and sharp" razor 2 remove the "fuzzy little balls" that sheets get all over them when they're old. But it seems that Dee an' Mike were both kinda gawking and xxpressing disbelief over the whole thing. So rite after Mike told me what Mom was doing, Mom shrieked, "Oh, 4 heaven's sake!!! THIS IS MY BEDROOM, OK? AND IF I'M SHAVING SUMTHING THAT U THINK IS WEIRD... @ LEAST LET ME DO IT IN PRIVATE!!!"

And it seemz that when Mom was yellin' all that, Dad was in the kitchen havin' coffee an' reading the paper. And of course he'd been oblivious 2 all that had passed just B4 Mom yelled abt shaving sumthing weird. So he did, like, a spit take. Cuz he musta been imagining that Mom was shaving sum part of herself, an' peeps were lookin' and.... OMG, I just made myself a lil ill.

So, well, NEway, Mike sez that being in our house again has him remembering all kindsa things abt, like, the past an' all. And recently, he was looking thru sum foto albums, and sum of the pics reminded him of sumthing that happed in 1991. It was the summer that Mike was to go 2 the farm in Winnipeg. I was just a little over three months old, so of course I remember none of this. But NEway, he decided 2 reminisce abt how he was trying 2 get outta going 2 the farm by getting a summer job. Dad had told him that if he got a "good summer job," he didn't hafta go 2 the farm. And he got Dad's cousin Fiona to offer him a job @ her pool hall. But Dad was having nun of it. Dad's reasons were that the pool hall was 3 blox from the bus stop, it was in a bad neighbourhood, Fiona didn't have "the finest reputation," and that Mike prolly wdn't get paid. Mike was all, "So, U won't let me take the job." And Dad was like, "We won't let U take the job." Mike sez the next thing he did was flop in2 an armchair an' think, "The problem is.... They just don't CARE about me!!!"

Hmm, I guess that was soon after Dad kicked Fiona out helped Fiona find her own place. And she hasn't been welcome in the house since. . . .

Apes

Um. No

On the way home from the mall, I was all, "Mom?--When am I gonna get my bedroom back?" And Mom was like, "As soon as Mike and Deanna find a place 2 live." I sed, "They cd buy Mr. Stibbs'[s] house." Mom went, "Honey... that's an enormous decision--and buying a house takes time! U have 2 negoti8, sign contracts, get a loan--and Mr. Stibbs has 2 move out! I was all, "I'm going CRAZY downstairs! Sumthing's gotta happen soon, or I'LL B the one who's leaving!" And Mom kinda leaned toward me an' asked, "Can I come?"

I didn't answer, but of course that'd B a huge "NO." Can U even imagine? Pls don't try. Tho I'm glad Mom sed that insteada tryin' 2 act like I was being all spoiled an' princessy 2 say what I was saying. Take THAT, Dad an' Mike!

Vicks, I never did get 2 escape the house last nite cos Mom decided 2 "entertain" Connie, Greg, Anne, and Steve (our neighbours from both "next doors") and I cd barely sneak on2 the 'puter 2 do my sad one lil comment!

BTW, as usual no fun get-away 4 me 4 March vacation next week. Just more babysitting and crowded house. I guess I'll spend xxtra time w/Gramps an' Iris, tho.

Apes

Freedom, Opinions, and Decisions

As Mom and I were leaving the Mega Mall with our shopping bags, the other day, I was totally thinking, "My life is, like, totally controlled by other ppl... What I wear, what I do, where I go...." As I was fastening my seatbelt in Mom's car, I was thinking, "I want 2 B treated like an adult. I want the freedom 2 choose... 2 have an opinion... 2 make a decision and B respected 4 the decision I make!!" Then Mom interrupted my thots w/"I don't feel like cooking 2nite, honey... Shd we get pizza or Chinese food?" I shrugged and went, "I dunno."

Yeah, I have a feeling there mite B sum ppl out there (mostly the over-60 crowd, tho not U, Gramps an' Iris), who R all, "LOLness, April wants to make decisions and have her opinions listened 2, and yet when she gets the chance, she's all I dunno-like." But that's not it, foax, I wanna B listened 2 over decisions that MATTER, not takeout dinner choices. And I didn't really feel like pizza OR Chines. Indian wda been cube, but my Mom has trub w/spicy foods an' alwayz vetoes suggestions like that.

Jeremy, Y U harshing on me over me trying 2 help Dunc w/his mom over the whole Zenia sitch? Dunc told me he an' Zandra were already broken up when all that happed, so it wdn't count as "cheating."

Apes

Coat shopping with Mom

So the whole reason 4 Mom meeting me @ the mall the other day was 2 get me a new winter jacket. Mom wanted me 2 get one that was ugly but "practical." I wanted a cute, "impractical" jacket, but Mom wdn't pay 4 that kind. So did we compromise? MayB, stay tuned.

I was a bit distressed that while I was shopping w/Mom, I had the impression that my butt was nearly flat. But I suppose a flat-butt day is better than a fat-but day. I also noticed that my bangs were in my eyes. I hadn't realized they'd gotten so long. Guess it's time 4 a trim. I'd like a new 'do al2gether, but U know what happens when I try that. :(

Mike, since "rec room" and "wreck room" sound the same, whatevs. Sumtymez homonyms rescue us from the st00pidity that is Dad's punnage.

Morrie, sorry U R such a prisoner 2 Lovey!

Apes

My story, it progresses slowly

So the next bit abt my trip @ the mall has nuthin' 2 do w/Becky OR refugees, but instead w/w8ing 4 my MOM 2 show up. I was all telling Eva that Mom was supposta meet me there, and then Eva spotted Mom, and I yelled really loud, "ELLY!" And I kinda saw Mom visibly stiffen up her entire body, tho I cdn't C her facial xxpression since she was facing away from us. Eva was all, "April, U call yr mother by her 1st name?" And I was, like, "Yeah. It's something my sister taut me... If U yell "Mom" in here... EVERY1 turns around!"

And that's it 4 this installment. Sorry so little.

Dunc, "Y" what? Y did Charles Wallace Larson help U w/yr netnanny settings? Y did Zandra--well, U know? Something else?

Apes

Lonely @ the top an' stuff

Well, Luis never did tell a "refugee" story on Sunday, but I had U wondering there 4 a while, eh? MayB he'll tell 1 sum other time.

NEway, after school yesterday, Eva an' I went 2 the mall again cuz I really needed 2 get outta that house, an' I was really surprised 2 C Becks, cuz I thot she was up in Mtigwaki staying w/Susan while Howard was in custody in Spruce Narrows. It turns out that they came back yesterday, as Howard ended up posting l8 last nite:

April,

We got back from Mtigwaki this afternoon and Becky said she wanted to go shopping. When she came back to see me, she said she had spotted you in the Milborough Mall with Eva Abuya, but she knows how Eva feels about her, so didn’t stop to say anything, because she wanted to avoid a fight with Eva. I have jail time tonight in Toronto, but they allowed me to write a little something to you, so you would know what’s going on.

My lawyer, Mr. Benis, said although my escape from the Milborough prison was necessary in order to prevent from being short drop hung, if I plead guilty on the escape charges, will probably spend about 10 - 30 days in custody. The likelihood I would be released on bail, pending the hearing of my appeal is remote, because of the prison break, which makes me a flight risk.

I’ll let you know as learn more.

Howard Bunt

But I didn't know NE of that then. I was really surprised 2 C Becks @ the mall, and I was gonna ask her what was up and if Howard was okay and all, but then she shot me a look that made me 4get what I was gonna say, and after she'd passed, I was all, "Did U C that Eva? Becky just walked by... An' gave us 'the look.' U know: the 'I'm-better-than-U'll-ever-B-no-matter-how-hard-U-try' kinda look." Eva was all, "And she's all by herself." And I was all, "So?" And Eva was, like, "It's lonely @ the top!" And I think I looked all gobsmacked 4 sum reason.

I don't know Y I'm so sensitive 2 Becky's "looks" but 4 sum reason, I am.

Howard, pls keep us posted when U can, an' good luck.

Apes

Not a Refugee

Yesterday, Mom let me go 2 the mall w/Ger, Eva, and Luis, even tho we didn't have an adult or Dunc w/us. I'm not sure Y, but Eva tells me she "fixed it" 4 me sumhow.

So we were having pizza @ the foodcourt, and I was complaining abt my living sitch: "Believe me, our house is mayhem rite now. There R 2 many ppl! --I have no personal space! I can't have a bath w/out little kids banging on the door. They're in2 all my stuff--they use my computer.... My sis got dumped by her boyfriend an' she's taking it out on every1. My brother and his wife have taken over MY room--I'm living like a REFUGEE!" And Luis, who was sitting str8 across from me, put a hand on my elbow, all, "No, U're not, man... But I feel yr pain."

U mite B wondering if Luis went on 2 tell us a true-life tale of being a refugee, but U know a Patterson can't tell a story all @ once. I'll tell U more 2morrow. Meanwhile, I wonder Y Ger sat as far away fr. me as poss @ that foodcourt table--diagonally across!

After what Luis sed, the mall sound system cued up Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, singing "You don't--have--to live like a refugee (don't have to live like a refugee)!" Spooky.

Apes

A filler story abt the pets

Mom was complaining that Liz feeds Shiimsa 2 much, and I told her that doesn't sound likely cuz Shiims is lookin' pretty bony. Mom got pretty insisty abt it, like, "But U shd have C'n that food bowl, sitting empty on the floor, only moments after Liz brought up the food." I'm all, "Mom, that doesn't even make sense. I mean, 4 one thing, if Shiimsa gobbled her food quickly, Y wd that mean she's being overfed? Wdn't it make more sense that if she were that hungry, mayB she were being underfed? And besides, didn't it seem a lil odd that the bowl was on the floor? Liz feeds Shiimsa up on that desk, 2 keep the food away from the dogs. Mom didn't really say NEthing, just kinda stared @ me w/that annoyed look of hers.

Then I sed, "Hey, I know! Y don't we check that security cam Liz set up in her room cuz she's paranoid abt all of us messing w/her stuff?" Mom seemed like she was getting ready 2 object, but then I guess she got curious, and we went.

We had 2 ff'd past a buncha shots of Liz clutching her bunny and crying, Robin and Merrie coming in and throwing the bunny @ ea other, Mike coming in w/a tape measure and measuring the dimensions of the room, Dad coming in 2 kiss a picture of Anthony, stuff like that. But then we got 2 sum stuff from earlier that day. We saw Liz carrying the catfood in2 the room and dumping it fr the can in2 the dish. We saw Shiimsa hop up, give it a quick sniff, and then jump down w/out eating NEthing. THEN! A bit l8r, we saw Edgar and Dixie appear, w/wide-eyed, stoopid xxpressions on their doggie faces. We saw Eddie putting his front paws up on the chair and sticking his face in2 Shiimsa's food dish. Then we saw him knocking the dish on2 the floor, where Dixie finished up, and Edgar licked up the food bits from the floor. Then they both were all "LICK LICK LICK" all over the floor. Then, a bit l8er we cd C Mom coming in, finding the empty dish on the floor, and scolding Liz.

So, mystery solved. Liz, U need a better system 4 keeping the catfood away from thoze dogs.

Apes

TRAIN anxiety

The other day, I was on my way 2 the garage 2 get sum pet supplies, and I noticed Dad's voice coming from his choo-choo workshop. He'd left his door a bit open, which he doesn't normally do unless he's distracted abt sumthing.

I heard him saying, "So, I told Deanna that George Stibbs was going to be ready 2 show the house in a week. She was dressing Robin while Merrie played with dolls. Deanna responded with 'A week?' As she put socks on the boy's feet, I told her, "1st he has 2 get all his paper work in order, talk 2 his lawyer and so on. He's been living alone 4 sum time. I suspect there's sum tidying up 2 do. ::tsk:: that wd B a pretty nice property 2 have alright!' And Deanna actually sed, 'Yes! I think we cd do quite well if we just severed the property!' I thot, "Sever the property!? Where wd I put my TRAINS?!!"

Then he paused, and he sed, "Now, now, don't cry!" I kinda peeked in 2 C what that was abt, and I saw he was holding one of his lil train ppl. He cdn't C me, and he went on, all, "Don't worry little Choo-Choo John, I'll fix everything, U'll C! U and Choo-Choo Elly, Choo-Choo April, and the Choo-Choo pets will all have a grand new outdoor train layout, U mark my words! Choo-choo Mike, Choo-Choo Deanna, the choo-choo grandkids, and Choo-Choo Liz R going back in2 the storage box 4 a while!"

Then I kinda 4got abt what I was gonna get from the garage and I went back 2 the rec room. This was all pretty disturbing.

Howard, I'm glad Paul is looking after U and that Susan was able 2 take Becky in. I hope U'll both have good news 2 tell abt.

Dunc, OMG!

Apes

Mike wants 2 H8 the house

Mike has sum more 2 tell abt lying in [MY] bed w/Dee discussing the idea of buying the Stibbs house:

April,

Little sis. When you are a married man, you grow accustomed to those little signals your wife gives you that allows you to communicate nonverbally. For example, when my wife Deanna really wants something, she touches me. And I don’t mean the naughty touching you are thinking about. I mean, little touches on the arm, or on the shoulder, or she will hug me from behind. Those are the sort of touches you take for granted during your courtship years, but once you are married you find they magically disappear until the moment comes when your wife is trying to persuade you of something. Of course, by then most husbands have gone so crazy from the lack of physical contact they would do almost anything for their wife. Those men however, do not know what I know, which is, postpone giving your wife what she wants for as long as possible. That way she will keep on touching you.

For example, after dad unloaded the bombshell that he would help us buy a house, Deanna and I were lying awake in bed staring at that thing you have on the ceiling which says, “ANGRA MAINYU was here!!”, when I said to Deanna, “I ‘ve just quit my job, Deanna. We can’t buy a house now!” Deanna had her arms around her pillow, their usual place, and said, “We have your advance, our savings---and my job is secure.”

We’ve been through this argument several times before. Once we pay taxes on my advance, there might be $15,000 left and our savings amounts to $20,000. A total of $35,000. That’s not enough for closing costs and a 10% down payment on a house in Milborough, where the minimum house price is somewhere around $400,000. There are less expensive houses in the suburbs of Toronto, but Deanna refuses to live there, so that only leaves the option of renting, which does not require a substantial downpayment, and then trying to save up more money to afford the place Deanna wants. Although my father offered to help us with the mortgage, I know dad well enough from his financial dealings with Gordon Mayes and Lawrence Poirier, any money he gave us for a down payment would come at a heavy price. I only borrowed $1000 from mom for 3 months back in 2003, and I paid a heavy price in public humiliation from that.

Deanna persisted though and said, “We can’t live with your parents and keep looking at apartments!—A house is a good investment!” Then she let go of the pillow and she touched my arm. The electric thrill of a feminine touch jolted through me. When had I last felt it? When I got my advance? When I quit my job? I wasn’t sure, but I could feel myself weaken. The obvious answer to Deanna’s argument was, “If you would just pick an apartment, we could move out from my parents.” But instead I said, “It’s such…a risk!” Deanna must have felt I had conceded because she removed her hand. I had to counter with an argument to let her know she hadn’t won just yet.

I said, “We don’t know what Mr. Stibbs will be asking. We haven’t even been inside! How do we know if that house is right for us?...Besides---it’s on 3 lots! We’d be paying a fortune just for the property.” That was so much talking, I could almost see my words in front of me. It had the desired effect. Deanna put her hand on my shoulder and said, “We could sell some of it!---At least, let’s check it out!” I had to hold back something. I couldn’t say, “Alright. We’ll buy and sell the land.” That would give her immediate victory and she would withdraw once again.

I said, “Fine., We’ll check it out.” That gave her a glimmer of hope for the future, and at the same time, allowed me the possibility of refusal. I turned over in bed facing away from Deanna. I couldn’t let her see the nervous look on my face. Was she going to stop touching me? But she didn’t stop touching me. She put her arm around me. Success! I might get snuggled all night long! I thought to myself, “I hope we hate the place!” The more I hated it, the more touches I was going to get. However, I am sure Deanna was thinking, “I hope we love it!!” so she could stop having to touch me.

Remember, little sis, after you get married to Gerald, withholding your touch can influence your man to give you what you want, but you may have to pay the price with a long and protracted argument as Gerald tries to get as much touching out of you as possible.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, that is so, so sad abt yr desperation 4 touch. But no sympathy 4 yr stubborn attitude abt the house. How 'bout U try having an open mind when U go C it, eh?

Apes

Mike Dithers

When Dad an' I got back from walking the doggies the other day, we found Mike loading the dishwasher in the kitchen (shock!) and suggested he buy the Stibbs house (aka teeny-tiny train house). He totally went in2 soap-opera mode while dithering over this decision all melodrama-like. Here's what he posted l8 last nite:

April,

Little sis. Life is full of choices and those choices tell you what kind of person you are. For example, when my lovely wife Deanna picked up a new shampoo called Orange Sections, I told her it would probably make her hair from the back look like it was a peeled orange waiting to be split into sections. But Deanna chose not to believe me, and sure enough every time I look at the back of her head, I get a sudden craving for citrus.

Or another example, when I was washing clothes and I decided to squirt a little shot of bleach at the Lizardbreath’s cat and the bleach went right into where I was washing my green turtle-neck, I realized I had made a choice for feline aggression which might make me pay with my fashion sense. When my green shirt developed a mysterious white line around the sleeves and the waist, I said to myself, “If anyone asks, I will just say, ‘colourist error’.” In reality I know it was because of a choice I made.

Years ago when my mother-in-law offered to buy a house for me and Deanna in Burlington, near where they live, I made the choice to turn her down, because I knew I wanted Deanna and me to earn our first house ourselves. I was so confident I had made the right decision. I knew how mom and dad felt about giving monetary gifts, when it was not a business investment. I thought to myself, “My father and mother would never, ever offer to buy me a house or even to help me buy a house. They would sooner have me getting my food from a soup kitchen.”

Then when I had to lay someone off at Portrait Magazine, I made the choice to lay myself off. I thought it was better to sacrifice myself, even though without a salary it would nearly impossible for Deanna and me to qualify for a home loan. It was worth it to know that the jobs of my fellow Portrait employees had been saved by me sticking to my moral center. It was a choice I was glad to make, and showed the world exactly how a Patterson deals with a moral crisis.

Then when dad said to me, “We could help you with the mortgage, son!---I’ll tell you what—Why don’t you two sleep on it.” I was filled with a sense of wonder, sense of shock, and a sense that my father had been taken over by aliens. What choice should I make? Should I stick by sense of Patterson right and wrong, which says I should do it myself? Or should I take advantage of an offer my father made when he was clearly affected mentally by the dog-walking?

But then I thought more carefully about it. That mortgage is going to have some stipulations. I suspect I will have to turn the yard over to my father’s trains. I suspect that dad wants me to buy the house, because he couldn’t convince mom to buy it and he wants to use me to get around her.

I suspect that you stood in the kitchen talking to me like I was some schoolgirl with your “What do you think? It’s the cutest little house an’ it’s just down the street! You could buy it an’ we could be neighbo(u)rs!” Now it’s painfully obvious, this is just a ploy by you to get us out of your room and get you of out of the storage closet where you sleep. Both you and dad are pushing an idea which is just like the one Mira Sobinski offered me. Having Deanna and me and the kids in the house since Christmas Eve has stretched the two of you so far, you are willing to sacrifice your Patterson money ethic to get us out of the house. Shame on you both.

Now the question stands before me: Do I make the choice to sacrifice my Patterson money ethic too, or do I stand up for my beliefs and turn down dad’s offer? Deanna and I lay in bed and I had planned to discuss it with her, but there was this thing on the ceiling which was too distracting. Maybe tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

C Becks, it mite happen! Oh, and Mike? I'm boycotting yr comments again. Cuz I told U I'd do that if U didn't stop calling the rec room a "storage closet" and there U go doing it again. What IS yr prob, NEway? Y R U so insensitive?

Apes