Mike and Proof

Well, Mike has gotten 2 the part where he got home after his book-signing:

April,

Formerly little sis. Have you ever been to another dimension, where things are similar to your life, but just a little different? Well, I have. I had gotten home from my book-signing at Lilliput’s, which I have been talking about all week, and somehow I stepped into another dimension. It may sound crazy, but hear me out. I went into my house, and right off the bat, I noticed things were different.

For example, you may remember back during the time change from Daylight Savings Time, I may have mentioned my daughter had to the left of her bed, a set of shelves with a flower clock on it. Or perhaps you may remember when I told of my long reminiscence about Gramma Marian with my daughter using photo albums, how that story ended up with my taking my daughter to her room where there was nothing to the left of her bed but a nightstand with a lamp and curtains covering her window. Perhaps you remember how since my son turned 3 years old last November 1 he had gone from sleeping in a crib to sleeping in a bed, as most kids his age do. Perhaps you remember that my son and daughter hadn’t slept in the same room since before you, mom and dad moved out , back when my daughter was in a bed and my son was in a crib in the same room. I know I remembered these things, and it was the differences from that which clued me in.

I got home from my book-signing at Lilliput’s, having to be dropped off by mom, because I discovered midway through the signing, my wife and kids had run off with the car. It was not a problem, because mom lives so close and I could walk the rest of the way from her house (after raiding the refrigerator of course). When I got to my house I found my wife, the lovely Deanna, putting a blanket over my daughter in her bed and she said, “Great signing tonight, Mike. Sorry I had to take the kids home. They were getting tired.” I was on the verge of asking her why she was just then putting a blanket over my daughter when she left Lilliput’s over an hour ago, but then I remembered just how much trouble my wife has handling the kids by herself. She probably spent the whole of the last hour just getting them to sleep, because she was still wearing that unusual shawl-collared sweater where the lowest point of the collar lines up with her right breast.

Then she walked over to the crib in the room to put a blanket over my son. I was about to say, “What is this crib doing here? Doesn’t my son sleep in another room now?” But my lovely Deanna spoke up and said, “It’s going well, isn’t it.” without a question mark in her voice, so I knew she was stating a fact she wanted me to confirm. Well, after the sudden reappearance of the crib I wasn’t sure what was going on; so I said with as much certainty as I could, “I think so. The publicity has helped. We just have to wait now…and see what happens.” Before I saw the crib, I would have said something about being a best-seller and how I had some more book-signings already scheduled; but I had that awful feeling like I had stepped into a whole other universe, and as everyone knows, when you get that feeling, you don’t want to reveal yourself as coming from another dimension.

Then my lovely Deanna came over to me, wrapped her arm around my neck, and started nibbling on my cheek. That confirmed it for me, wifely affection = another dimension where wives are affectionate. This other dimensional Deanna said, “Hey. You’re a good writer. You made the right choice. You don’t have to prove it to me.” I put my arms around her and thought to myself, “First, I hope she can’t read my thought balloons and second, what is she talking about? What choice? Surely she can’t be thinking of my choice to be a writer. I made that decision over a decade ago. Maybe she is talking about my choice to quit working at Portrait Magazine, but that would make no sense, because that’s what she wanted me to do. But then I realized this other-dimensional Deanna might not have approved my leaving Portrait Magazine. After all, when you think about it, my Deanna wanted me to quit my stable employment job and live off my unstable freelance writing money; when most people would think the exact opposite would be want she would want. Then I remembered she said I don’t have to prove it to her. It was confusing. I don’t have to prove what to her? That I’m a good writer? My book was a Critic’s Choice from the Toronto Star and the Hamilton Spectator. Of course I am a good writer. It was in those newspapers and newspapers don’t lie. They have to do fact-checking and things like that. Then I thought, maybe in this other dimension, Michael Patterson was not known to be a good writer and when he decided to write a novel, this other-dimensional Deanna required a proof. But then I thought, if I don’t have to prove it her, then who would need a proof?” As you know formerly little sis, when another dimensional women has her arms around you and your face close to her mouth, you don’t want to stir up any controversy by asking questions out loud. She might grow fangs and chew my face off, or something else horrible like that. You can never tell with other-dimension women. Believe me. So I said, “I know.” That seemed like a safe answer to me and it was.

Then she left the room and I stared at my two dimensional doppelgangers of my children and I realized to whom I would have to prove it, “…I just have to prove it to them.” After all, who else is there who would need a proof? Maybe in this other dimension, Deanna doesn’t make enough money as a pharmacy manager to have her husband be a kept man, like in my dimension.

Well, formerly little sis, I don’t need to tell you what happened next. I didn’t want to create any suspicion, so I went to bed with my other dimensional wife and submitted to all the passionate things she wanted. Then the next morning, I found I had switched back to my normal dimension in my sleep, and everything was back the way I remembered it. My lovely Deanna from my dimension was back, and wearing her flannel nightgown, and everything that goes with that clothing choice. I don’t know why I temporarily moved into another dimension, but I do know that somewhere out there is a Michael Patterson who has to prove to people he is a good writer, and I feel pity for him.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Other dimensions can B v. confusing. There is a whole other dimension that can B found if U climb in2 the central-vac system in yr house, BTW. But U wd know if U'd gone there, cuz U totally hafta climb in.

Woot! Go Leafs! I had so much fun celebr8ing w/U, Jeremy!

Apes

Deflation

The next bit Mike wants U all 2 know abt his recent book signing @ Lilliput's:

April,

Formerly little sis. One of the ways you can tell that Christmas is in the air (aside from the artificial pine smell), is the signing needs of the book buyer. When I did my signing at the Eastgate Mall, it was at the end of October, and most of the people there wanted me to sign it with things like, “If you keep reading, I’ll keep writing, you sexy thing.” Or “To the most wonderful, beautiful, talented, fantastic, intelligent person I have ever signed a book for”. But now the time has gotten closer to the holiday season, almost every signature I signed had something to do with the fact the book was going to be a gift.

As you may recollect, I had been signing books at a small table in front of a large counter with shelves behind it. I was signing away when a man with a suit and striped tie, wearing an odd propeller-less beanie sat at the table and started to read. I said, “Excuse me. This is my signing table.” He said, “Blow off, or I smack you around.” I looked around for my friends and relatives to defend me, but you were off doing other things. Naturally, I decided it would be better to stand by the large counter with shelves to continue my book-signing. It was then I noticed the shelves were filled with puzzle books like, “Crazy puzzles” or “Impossible Puzzles” or “Board game basketball” or “Print making” or things like that.

A lady approached me, handed me a book and said, “Could you say ‘Merry Christmas, Betty’—It’s for me!” So I said, “Merry Christmas, Betty---It’s for me!” I was about to add, “Thanks for the gift”, when Betty decided she wanted me to write in the book, “Merry Christmas, Betty” and she wanted her book back. So, picky, these holiday book-buyers are.

Then a man with glasses and a body which looked an awful lot like a French-Canadian woman had drawn him, had two of my books and decided he was going to tell me the names he had given them. He said, “The first book is ‘Merry Christmas, Glenda.’ The second will be ‘Happy Birthday, Stan.’” I said to him, “Those are indeed unique and interesting names to give to your books. Now, how do you want me to sign them?” After a long conversation where he kept repeating the books’ names to me over and over again, eventually he stomped out the door with no signatures at all. I think I would have minded it more, had there not been a girl on the other side of the counter who kept lifting up her skirt to flash her underwear at me. I remember thinking she could be a very attractive girl, if she only had eyes, nose and a mouth.

Then I could tell I was nearing the end of the book signing, because that’s when the hermaphrodites start lining up. A person with hair sticking up and wearing an earring, handed me a book and said, “Just sign it, man.” This was to indicate that he/she had correctly identified my gender. That can be a fairly intimidating move, especially considering I had no idea what he/she’s gender was. Then he / she said, “I want to read it first. Then I’ll decide if it’s good enough to give as a gift.” I replied, “It’s good enough to invite to meet the family” but after looking at he / she, I decided to discontinue that line of conversation. I signed her / his book, but I must admit I was distracted and stared at he / she a long time trying to make the same gender recognition which was done of me.

After he/she left, I puffed up my cheeks and blew out some air with a “Phwoooh!!” Mom immediately rushed over, grabbed my arm and said, “Are you tired, dear?” I wondered where she had been when the man with the beanie stole my table. I am sure I had a bleary look on my face as I said, “No…that was the sound of my ego deflating.” Mom said, “Good. It’s been so long since your ego was deflated, we were beginning to worry.” I don’t what it is about a book-signing that brings out the humour in my family.

As you can tell, formerly little sis, even when you have written the Great Canadian Novel, the overwhelming urge to buy my book as a Christmas present for other people can supplant even the most dedicated reader from recognizing literary greatness.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Oh, Mike, U numbskull! The guy who sat down @ yr table was wearing a hat that's called a keepah (as it's called in Hebrew) or a yarmulke (as it's called in Yiddish), and his wearing the hat shows he's Jewish, probably Orthodox. The guy w/the glasses wanted 2 U write "Merry Christmas, Glenda" and "Happy Birthday, Stan" in the books. He wasn't naming them.

And in case U were wondering abt the ppl who, like, fell on the floor, it was the force of wind resulting from yr ego deflating. I heard sum ppl saying it may have been the most inflated ego in Milborough history. MayB even Ontario or Canadian history.

Apes

Getting it

More from Mike abt the book signing @ Lilliput's:

April,

Formerly little sis. I have found that after years of living in Milborough, there are certain things you can expect as a matter of course. First is that even though dad has been working as a dentist in this town for almost 30 years now, many people still walk around with huge gaps between their teeth. You would think they would seek out dad and get the type of quality dental care we got, where our teeth only show from our mouths on special occasions. Second is that there are quite a few women in Milborough with hairstyles so bad, one can only hope that they are wearing a wig. Third is that married men in Milborough don’t get any, and their wives are completely humourless about anything which might indicate they are going to get any.

Case in point. I was at my book-signing at Lilliput’s, sitting at my signing table. Then, as things often happen in Milborough, everything went dark for no reason; but I could see the silhouette of someone approaching the table. She said, “Would you sign this for my husband? His name is Bill.” She leaned way over the table, and even in the dark I could tell she was a particularly porcine person. I said “Certainly,” all the while hoping she was going to hand me a book and not suggest I sign the body part which was swaying over the table. Fortunately she did hand over the book.

Then the lights popped back up, but I was prepared for it, by using my usual trick of temporarily removing my eyes. When my eyes returned, I saw a no-necked, gap-toothed, large-nosed, glasses-wearing woman. I sincerely hoped she was wearing a wig, because her hairline went almost as far back as Gordon Mayes’. I said to her, “Is he getting it for Christmas?” I presume you are old enough to catch my little double-entendre; but this lady did not, at least not initially. She replied, “No. He’s getting it tonight.” This, of course, kept me from using my favourite method of signing books given at Christmas to husbands. “For…[name]…Merry Christmas. Here’s hoping your wife is wearing a Santa hat when you’re getting it during the holiday season.”

So I said, “OK!” to her request and wrote an alternative, “For…Bill…Who’s getting it…tonight.” I wrote it with my usual air of sophistication, including my raised pinky finger. Then I handed it to her with my usual Patterson smirk which comes whenever I have written a great pun. But as I said before, Milborough wives are notoriously humourless when it comes to this subject, and she just gave me an eyeless, mouthless stare; which said to me, “You should be glad I do not have any eyes or a mouth, or you would die instantly from the withering glare I would be giving you.” Honestly I was fairly happy that she had managed to remove those gapped teeth from view, due to her anger. Most times I don’t like the look of an angry woman; but when there are gapped teeth involved, I will make an exception.

As had happened a few times during the course of the evening, when I was signing books, the customer was less than satisfied with my little display of humour. I was forced to call mom’s (former) worker, Beatrix Potter, I mean Beatrice Alfalfa. Bea had long sense gotten tired of me saying “A, B, C?” to her, even after I explained it meant, “Hey, Bea! See?” So, I just said, “Uh…Bea? Could I get a fresh copy, please?

A few minutes later I was signing, “For…Bill...As Harvey Rood loved Sheilagh Shaugnessey, may you love your wife, who gave you this book. Michael Patterson.” Then I pointed her over to my dad and said, “You really need to go and talk to my father. You have such a lovely smile, and my dad really loves smiles like yours.” She did, but dad was too horrified to give her his card. As I said, formerly little sis, in Milborough, there are certain things you can expect as a matter of course.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, I saw that woman U R talking abt reminded me of C'ing the pix from Shawna-Marie's wedding, and I cdn't help wondering when Anthony's employee Julia had gotten married and started wearing glasses. But then I realized this chick is older and wondered if she cd B Julia's auntie.

Jeremy, I M not mad @ U. I know that sumtymez when U stuff, thingz come out wrong and then when U tryta fix what U just sed, thingz come out wronger and wronger.

Apes

Ooh, Burn!

Mike has more 2 say abt his recent book-signing at Lilliput's:

April,

Formerly little sis. There are times in a Patterson’s life when you appreciate just how many friends and relatives you have. You realize how wonderful it is to be in a family whom everyone knows and adores and feels as though they are a part of (even though they aren’t). Then there are other times, when you wish your friends you haven’t seen in years would wear a nametag, so you would know who they are.

For example, our neighbour Anne Nichols was next in line at the book-signing at Lilliput’s after you and I almost said, “Who the heck are you?” This is because the last time any of us remember seeing Anne Nichols, she looked like this. And yet at the book-signing, for the very first time, she was sporting glasses, was a lot fatter, and her hair changed colour back and forth from light to dark brown. Fortunately, I heard my lovely Deanna behind her with my kids saying, “Robin. No. Just because she is our neighbour Anne Nichols, doesn’t mean you can put her skirt in your mouth.” Of course Anne wanted the book dedicated to someone else I had never heard of. She said, “Hi, could you sign this for my cousin Arli, please? She’s getting it for Christmas.” As the coffee counter behind me was going in full force, I replied, “Sure! Thanks for buying my book, Anne!” I signed the book, “To Arli. Your cousin Anne says someone is really giving it to you for Christmas. Love, Mike.”

The odd thing about this line at my table was that there were two of them. There was one to my right and one in front of me. Why there couldn’t be just one line I don’t know, but I knew I would not get any help from either mom or Moira Kinney, the store owner. They were busy standing across the room, drinking coffee, and talking about how wonderful mom was, as most people who share coffee with mom do. So, after signing a book for Anne from the line on my right, I had to sign a book for Jean Baker who was in the line in front of me.

Jean Baker I recognized from the years she had worked with dad. She said, “I’m so excited! I saw you on television! (She didn’t say if it was CBC or CHCH.) Could you sign this for Daniel? He’s an aspiring writer! Say something like, ‘Don’t give up!’” I took the book from her and said, “Good advice, Jean!” and wrote for her “To Daniel, Don’t give up, even though you will never write a book as good as this one! Love, Mike”. I think that got the idea across nicely, although I wonder who Daniel is. I thought Jean was married to Mark and had a daughter Brittanny. You never can tell with people who work in dentistry who they might be giving gifts to, if you know what I mean, formerly little sis.

Well, April, the highlight of the book-signing was having Josef Weeder come all the way from Toronto to see me, and he didn’t bring Carleen with him. Naturally I had to stand up to sign Weed’s book. He held it close to his body, so I had to lean into his strong and wiry frame just to sign. All of you were around me. You, and dad, and Gordon Mayes and mom were there as Weed and I stood together holding my book. I have often dreamed such a day would happen, where all of you would be standing around and looking proudly at me and Weed, I mean, at my signing Weed’s book. Gordon said, “Awesome turnout, man!” which is not really a Gordon kind of phrase, so I had to look at him carefully to make sure it was really he. Weed said, “Your book is selling well, Mike!” Of course, you might wonder how Weed would know such a thing as that, and the answer is that I told him. Reiner and Browne, my publisher, keeps me apprised of my sales figures.

Of course you were skeptical. After I signed Weed’s book standing up and leaning into him, Mom said she wanted me to do the same thing for her. She put her hand on my shoulder and beckoned me to lean into her body. Of course, you nearly ruined the moment by saying, “Yeah…What would we do without friends and relatives?!!” I know that is your way of saying my book wouldn’t be selling well without the help of my friends and relatives. This is probably true, but I narrowed my eyes at you anyway. I know dad bought several copies to give to underprivileged people with bad teeth. Gordon Mayes said he bought several copies in honour of my dad to donate to a new landfill project he is having built. Between those two, I am sure I became an instant best-seller.

It was a great day at that book-signing. I’m glad you were there to share in my success.

Love,
Michael Patterson

LOL, it was such fun getting in a dig @ Mike, even tho, as U can tell, the effects did not last. I heard sum of thoze coffee-drinking peeps telling Mom that they wish their sons were as "wonderful" as Mike, an' she told them 2 take heart, cuz Mike is, like, the best son EVAR, so of course all the other sons out there can only fall short.

Jeremy, thanx 4 yr help prepping 4 that quiz Mom plans 2 give me, on Mike's book.

The Signing

So Mike has had his book signing at Lilliput's and want 2 share.

April,

Formerly little sis. I must say it was a great day to have a book-signing at mom’s old store, Lilliput’s. It was snowing and icy outside, but when doesn’t it do that in Milborough during the winter? Lake effects, I understand, but they couldn’t “effect” the mood in the store. I sat at my table with dozens of unsigned books and a pen ready to go at a moment’s notice. The room was filled with little Christmas doo-dads and leafy things hanging from the ceiling catching on people’s heads and garments, just like it was during mom’s days of running the store. Christmas decorations abounded. On a nearby shelf was a group of Styrofoam snowmen imitating a scene from some old movie involving top hats. Fred Astaire maybe? My whole family was there, except for Elizabeth of course. They were there to see the moment when you finally gave into your promise from last summer.

You said you wouldn’t read my book until it made the New York Times best-seller list, and I know you were surprised when it did. As you picked up your copy of Stone Season, mom was there with her camera to capture the moment. My kids were there looking on as Auntie April said, “Could you sign this book for me, please?” For the sake of your readers I will skip over the part where you first said, “All right. You’re a best seller. Now sign the book, so we can get this over with.” And I said, “Say ‘please’.” And then you stomped off and left the store for awhile before you finally came back with your collar on your coat turned up trying to look “cool.” But once you did come back and you said, “please”, it was my pleasure to say back to you, “It would be my pleasure. What would you like me to say?” I think my cordiality was throwing you off. Either that or the silhouette of dad openly carrying that flask. Frankly I found dad’s behaviour during the signing a little disconcerting myself, but that’s a story for another day.

However, dad or my cordiality did not throw you off for long. You threw your head back, rolled your eyes skyward, and said, “How about…to the most wonderful, beautiful, talented, fantastic, intelligent person I have ever…” Well right then I knew what you were up to. You were planning on giving a copy of my book back to me. It would be ironic to have my own book signed by me to me given as a gift. I think it was a clever idea, formerly little sis, but I really don’t need to have a copy signed by me to me. So, I interrupted you and said, “Right!...’To a cool sister…Love, Mike!”” You didn’t seem to like that dedication, but I can assure you that my daughter was excited that I called you “cool”. And that large lady with the polka-dotted shirt and the jacket, who covered her mouth with her deformed hand just at that moment, to try to keep from laughing at you in front of your face, did find it very amusing.

In the meantime, mom has a picture she has captioned, “The Martian admits defeat” she has placed in her scrapbook, which I expect we will reminisce over in about 30 years.

Love,
Michael Patterson

That, of course, was pure torture. Sorry abt my lack of posting yesterday, but Mom forced me 2 keep my so-called promise 2 Mike abt reading his book. OMG, I am so lucky I had Jeremy 2 make that all less painful 2 me. Thanx, Jeremy, 4 that and also visiting my Gramps w/me. W/the rest of my fam so pre-occupied, it was a perfect opportunity 2 sneak in a visit.

Oh, and thank God we R back 2 real-time stories, even if that means Michael gloating. Erg.

Apes

Gamma Elly Babysits

Mom is over @ Mike an' Dee's [formerly our] house, babysitting Robin an' Merrie cuz Mike an' Dee hafta B away 4 the whole day. Dee just called me, sounding kinda xxasperated. She told me, "April! When yr mother kindly agreed to sit w/the kids 2day, she told me to have them over there @ yr house brite and early. So U shda seen me rushing around the house this morning 2 get them ready. Robin had crawled under the coffee table, and when I went 2 pull him out of there, he held on2 one leg of the table while shrieking and giggling. After Meredith had put on her jacket, she sat tugging @ one sock and asking me if her Grandma Elly wd B babysitting 2day, as if we had an audience that needed xxposition. I was struggling 2 get Robin in2 his jacket, anticip8ing a fite over his boots, and I told her 'Yes' and asked her 2 put on her boots. Merrie stepped in2 her boots and Robin was wiggling while yelling about going 2 'Gamma's house' as I tried 2 get his boots on and told him 2 hold still. Finally, I got the boots on his feet and as I was zipping up Robin's jacket, Merrie was playing with a doll. I told her 2 stop playing and do up her coat. Meredith started 2 do as I'd asked, and then shouted about her zipper being stuck, while Robin said, 'Whine!'"

I interrupted w/"He said 'whine'--but didn't actually whine?" She sed, "That's right. Weird, eh?" I was all, "Totally." Then Dee continued, "So Merrie was screaming as I pulled at her zipper and Robin dropped his pants and walked away while saying 'Gotta go baffroom!' Just then, the doorbell rang, and I suppose I had never noticed what a loud, big, red DING DONG!! that thing emits, b-cuz the sound of it made me go bug-eyed, as if I were going thru OxyContin w/drawal, not that I'd know 1st-hand what that feels like, and Robin started bawling. So I answered the door, and there was your mother, with one hand in her pants pocket and a sweater but no jacket, let alone boots. And I stared @ her w/my bug-eyed xxpression and Robin, who had removed his boots, pants, and underwear, started 2 take off his jacket. Meantime, yr mother chirped, 'I thot it mite B easier if I came here!'" She let out a small snort.

I sed, "I'm thinking this is a bit of a timing issue?" Dee was like, "Ya-ha! I really wish yr mother had had that 'thot' of hers in the 1st place." I sed, "I'll bet she figured this way was funnier." Dee sed, "That's awful!" And I sed, "Yeah."

Jeremy, I had so much fun w/U last nite, even tho the Leafs bit the dust. Sorry abt how much I kept going on and on abt the things U did that Ger never did, but they were all totally compliments 2 U. I never knew what it's like 2 treated so well! Even my thing abt calling us friends who d8, instead BF-GF. That's kinda b-cuz Ger an' I were BF-GF 4 all that long time, and he didn't treat me 1/2 as well as U do. I feel like we need sumthing else 2 call what we have!

NEway, I dunno what-all will happ 2morrow. If we R still on Lizzie's flashbacky stories, I don't wanna do it, but Mike sez he mite jump in just 2 show us all what "Sharon Park Drive's top author" can do w/the material.

Apes

I don't wanna give her NEmore time!

So remember how I told U that after I tripped over the tricycle, Liz started 2 drag me back 2 her apt 2 force more stories on me? And how I was all yelling 4 sum1 2 call the police cuz I was being kidnapped? Well, sum1 called, and while I was still struggling, a police car pulled up. And out of the car came Brad Luggsworth. He was all, "Liz Patterson? Y R U kidnapping yr sister?" And Liz went, "I M not kidnapping her. I M sharing stories from the past. It's a new thing we Pattersons started this fall. Instead of just living our everyday lives like we used 2, we are taking breaks 2 tell stories abt our past."

Brad was all, "Oh, rite, I heard sumthing abt this. Yr Aunt Bev was calling my family members and ppl who useta know us back in the day, so she cd write an xxtended bio abt me 4 yr mother's website. Have U had NE stories abt me pummeling Michael yet?"

Liz was all, "No, we haven't gotten up 2 thoze days yet."

"So what story were you about 2 force on, er, share with April?"

"Oh, U R in 4 a treat," Liz sed, and then she had 4 thot bubbles. 1st one had Mom sewing and a speech balloon coming from outside of the room--"What makes U so doggone good all the time, 'Lizabeth?" 2nd thot bubble showed Mom peeking in2 the hallway where Mike sat w/baby Nizzie while saying "All U do is crawl around all day being icky-cute!" 3rd bubble zoomed in on Mike and lil Liz as Mike had a speech bubble shouting that Liz never got in2 trub. 4th thot bubble had Mom back in her original location thot bubbling, "--SIGH-- Give her time."

Brad was like, "R U saying U actually remember all this from when U were a little baby?"

Liz shook her head, looking all sullen, and I xxplained abt the script. Brad was all, "Yr mom, eh?" Liz and I both nodded. Then I asked him if he was going 2 arrest Liz 4 kidnapping, and he shook his head an' sed there was no way he was gonna interfere w/Patterson bizness.

And that was it 4 that story. But as U can C, there is no closure in site, and this endless flashbacking is killing my spirit. I need a break from telling U this boring, ptless shizz, from that boring, endless day about 4 wks ago. So I M gonna do my usual Sunday post, and then I M gonna take a break from daily blogging until I can finally tell U how the day of reminiscing ENDED.

Apes

Gookie

After Liz had yanked me off of the bus when I'd been trying 2 get home an' away from her stories, I decided I'd make a run 4 it. Liz lives on the opp end of Mboro, but I'm in pretty good shape, so I figged I cd do it.

Liz of course chased after me, shouting, "We're not dun yet! I hafta show U thot bubbles abt Mike taunting me w/a cookie!" I was abt a 1/4 block ahead of her, and I yelled over my shoulder, "NO! I WON'T look!" Liz shouted, "Come on, this is a good one, you'll like it. Mike waved that cookie in front of me, teasing me b-cuz he cd have a cookie an' I cdn't, and he 8 it in fronna me, making a big deal abt how gd it was, until I was wailing 'UH UH UH GOOKIE!' And he threw his arms around me and yelled and yelled, 'MA! I taught Lizzie a new word!!'"

I was like, "I don't CARE! I WON'T watch yr speech bubbles!" Then I tripped over a tricycle sum1 had left out in the middle of the sidewalk. And as I was trying 2 get up, Liz caught up w/me, grabbed me by my left arm, and dragged me back 2 her apt as I yelled, "Help! Kidnapping! Call the police!"

I'm a bit fuzzy on what happed next, cuz after all this was all on the world's longest day almost 4 wks ago. But I hope that when I'm remembering again 4 2morrow's entry, I can tell u the wrapping-up part 2 all this.

Apes

Early Non-memory About Babytalking Dad

Hey, happy Thanksgiving 2 my U.S. peeps. I'll bet U will B feeling thankful that yr family members don't chase U around and force U 2 listen 2 boring old stories.

So, U mite remember that I had decided (on that endless day abt 3.5 wks ago) 2 try getting away from Liz by catching a bus from near her apt. She told her frilly-dress story while I was w8ing 4 the bus. Well, the bus came, and I dug my busfare outta my pocket. Liz was all, "I 4bid U 2 get on that bus. And I was all, "Watch me!" So I got on the bus, and Liz got on w/me, all "U still hafta watch my thot bubbles!" I was like, "Gah!"

I sat by a window an' Liz sat next 2 me. She had 3 thot bubbles. 1st was Dad holding baby Nizzie while sticking out his tung and [ew!] drooling. And Nizzie pted @ his drooly tung while saying "Ahgooo? BLRGL? Ga-ga?" And Dad answered this w/a "BLAAAH!" 2nd thot bubble had Dad cuddling Nizzie while Dad went "Bla-bla? Ah-doo? DA-DA! Aplxtlff! Goo? Gooo-goops!" In the background was Mom peeking around the doorway @ them. 3rd thot bubble had Mom crossing her arms and looking smirky/shifty-eyed as Dad sed, "So, Elizabeth, ...How goes the diaper rash?"

An old lady on the bus was all, "I cdn't help noticing yr thot bubbles, dear. R U thot bubbling abt yr husband and daughter? And Liz was all, "NO! I was the cute little in those thot bubbles! ME!" And the old lady was all, "R U trying 2 tell me that U actually REMEMBER the events in thoze thot bubbles?" And Liz kinda looked down an' sed, "No." And I sed, "She has a script." The old lady sed, "Freak." And she was abt 2 spray pepper spray in her face when Liz pulled the signal-cord and sed, "C'mon April, we're getting off at the next stop!" I sed, "U go! I'm going home!" And she sed, "I told U, we're not dun yet!" And when the bus stopped, she yanked me outta my seat and dragged me out of the bus w/her.

Well, stay tuned 4 more of the stories I had forced on me! :(

Apes

Frilly Nizzie In Unremembered Flashbacks

So, if U R bored w/these stories I've been sharing over more than 3 wks, imagine hearing them over the course of ONE DAY, @ the laundromat, in Lizzie's car, in my driveway, in Lizzie's car sum more, @ the Country Kitchen @ Mayes Midtown Motors, and then @ Liz's apt.

Yeah, well, after Liz had finished w/her thot[less]-bubbled story that I shared yesterday, abt Lizzie unattended sum more in the Baby Deathtrap House, I was like,aircase 2 the exit of Liz's apt, and I ran 2 the nearest bus stop. But then I found that Liz had found me, and she was all, "We R NOT dun. U'll like my next story, it is sooooooooooooooooooooo CUTE!"

Then I hadta watch 4 consecutive bubbles spring from Liz's head. 1st had Dad d "Liz, I've gotta get outta here! If U won't drive me, I'll catch a bus home!" I clomped up the strying dishes, as Mom was dressing Liz and Dad's speech bubble was all, "R U putting another frilly dress on that baby?" 2nd thot bubble had him taking baby Nizzie from Mom w/his speech bubble going, "Honestly, Elly... Sometimes U'd think Lizzy was a toy doll!" 3rd bubble had Dad carrying baby Liz away and Mom speech bubbling, "So where R U 2 going?" Last bubble was Dad blushing while his speech bubble was, like, "Er.. Well... I thot I'd take her out and show her off...."

I was like, "Do you know how frequently these buses And Liz was all, "Don't U C? I was a CUTE baby! Anthony needs 2 know I can make a cute baby w/him!" I was like, "I dunno, what if the baby came out looking just like a mini-ANTHONY?" She was like, "April U R HORRIBLE! C'mon, let's go back inside!" I was all, "Liz, we already have more than 3 wks worth of stories 4 my poor blog--ppl R gonna think we're never gonna live in realtime ever again!" Liz sed, "I have my instructions."

So, yeah, we R so not dun w/all this ptless reminiscing.

Apes

More Non-Memories From Liz About Baby Deathtrap-House

I feel as tho I will never B dun telling U abt these stories Liz cdn't possibly remember from her babyhood. Four more thot bubbles from Liz. First shows totally unattended baby Liz pulling on the cord of a lamp that's on a table. A glass next 2 the lamp is in the verge of toppling over. Next 2 Nizzie on the floor are a doll's severed head and a cookie w/one bite taken out. Liz goes, "GLAH?"

2nd thot bubble: Liz on the washroom floor, sitting on a mound of toilet tissue while pulling more from the roll in its dispenser, all while Liz goes, "Blff!" 3rd thot bubble, Liz tears a bunch of newspapers out of the rack they're in, a hanging plant is @ a 45-degree angle in the background (looking 1/2-dead NEway), as Liz goes, "Doo?" Then 4th thot bubble: Mom talking on the phone, all "I'd better go, Mom.... Elizabeth is being 2 quiet."

I was like, "Wow, Liz, so U R building a case abt Mom having been a neglectful parent?" Liz: "No! I'm talking about my personality, remember?" I sed, "Seems like U were just a baby being a baby." Liz sed, "I have my instructions, can't U just play along?" I sed, "Can't I just leave?" Liz was like, "We're not dun yet."

Peeps, I'm using a slitely wonky lappy 2 write this, cuz my reg. 'puter died after I wrote yesterday's entry. I think the 'puters R dying from boredom.

Apes

OMG, we're NOT done yet!

I M so, so sorry 2 tell U this, but while I was @ Liz's apt, and she put away her laundry, she shared more flashback-stories.

Liz was all, "My personality emerged when I learned 2 crawl." And I asked,"U actually remember this?" She sed, "Of couse not. I told U abt my script." I was like, "C'mon, Liz, I thot we were dun w/all this and ready 2 live our lives in real-time 4 a while." And Liz sed, "U think I don't want that, 2? But we're not dun yet, so listen up. She thot-bubbled 4 tymez. The 1st, there was baby Liz tumbling down a carpeted staircase, rolling backwards with a "BONK, BUMP, BUMP." 2nd bubble showed lil Lizzie @ the bottom of the staircase looking wide-eyed and holding her hed w/one hand as a pain orbit of planets and stars circled her hed. 3rd bubble had her crawling up the stairs, and 4th bubble had her reaching the top of the stairs and letting out a giant WAAAH!"

I was like, "W8, so how is this story an xxample of showing yr personality?" Liz sed, "Well, keeping in mind that I don't remember this @ all, I think what happened was that I climbed back up the staircase and w8ed until I got 2 the top B4 I cried, cuz I knew Mom was up there and wdn't hear me screaming if I was all the way @ the bottom. I think it was supposed 2 show that I wasn't actually hurt that badly and was being a baby drama queen." I was all, "Mom left U totally unattended downstairs, and didn't do NEthing 2 secure U in a baby-safe area, let alone putting a baby g8 @ the base of the stairs 2 keep U from, um doing what U did an' getting hurt?" Liz sed, "No1 took any child-safety precautions back then. It's a wonder we survived." I sed, "U know, I seem 2 remember a v. similar story from my own littlehood. Where I got hurt, cried, realized no1 was around 2 hear, repositioned myself near a parent, and cried again." Liz nodded, "There is lots of recycling of stories in our fam. But don't worry, we'll probably never get 2 yr story in our reminiscing. I don't think we'll last long enuf 2 B telling stories from the 1990s. I sed, "MayB U R rite."

Well, again w/the sorries. Let's hope v. v. hard 4 @ least a mid-week switch.

Apes

Mom Remembers Grubberware

Mom sez that when she was out shopping recently, she saw a display of Grubberware in the Mega*Mart. The sign was all, "Grubberware since 1975." The display caused Mom 2 have a memory from the l8 1970s, when she went 2 a Grubberware party where a grey-haired, bunned, bespectacled lady w/tiny feet had a sign w/"Grubberware The Home Cleanup Company" on it. The items she had in her display were a bucket, rubber gloves, a sponge, a plunger, a scrub brush, a jar, a container that kinda looked like it shd have overpriced shampoo in it, and another that looked like it shd have perfume in it.

Mom remembers that the grey-haired saleslady held up the sponge and sed, "Ladies! The Grubberware ppl present a new concept in cleanup!" She also remembers the lady holding up the pink bucket and being all, "Inspect this all-plastic cleanup container. Only $7.98 postpaid." Then Mom remembers holding and opening the perfume-looking bottle as the saleslady sed, "Our apothecary-style cleanser-disinfectant is a bargain this month and is included ::FREE:: with every pair of Grubberware hand savers!"

Then, Mom remembers the saleslady holding the plunger and continuing w/"...our hostess receives a free set of matching grub-brushes, w/every $10 purchase," this while the woman who was hosting the party carried a tray w/little pink pastries on it. Mom remembers smiling @ her and reaching 4 a pastry while holding a cup of tea. As the hostess-lady smilingly took the teapot back 2 the kitchen, Mom's memory also had the saleslady writing up orders while smiling and sitting on a chair--Mom calling out, "Er... I'll order ... one pink plunger and a can of Grubberware spring-song cleanser." Finally, Mom remembers coming home 2 Dad, who was lounging on his recliner and reading the paper, and greeting her with "Hi, honey! ...How was yr evening out?" She sed 2 me, "Can U believe that?!?!?! I spent the entire evening listening to a salespitch on products 2 keep the house clean, and he thinx of it as 'an evening out.' MEN!"

I was all, "Mom, if a product is gonna rhyme with "Tupperware," why isn't it a system of food-storage containers? Why on earth is it overpriced cleaning products w/improbable names for common items?" And Mom sed, "They're less likely 2 B sued that way." I sed, "Oh. So, U usedta go 2 these parties and then buy sumthing cuz of, like, peer pressure." Mom was like, "Xxactly." I sed, "U set such a gr8 xxample." Mom sed, "Yes, I do." Sumtymez she is just as immune 2 sarcasm as Mike. Well, almost, NEway.

Apes

We finally left the restaurant!

Well, here's how we finally left the Country Kitchen Restaurant @ Gordo's Garage an' Grill. Mike's watch started 2 beep. He was all, "Oh, yes! I set my watch alarm 2 remind myself 2 set aside time 2 work on my next masterpiece, about the windjammer. Well, this has been the most fun, but I have 2 obey my muse!" Mike got up and walked away. Anthony was all, "Welp, better get back 2 work!" And he got going. Liz was like, "Okay, let's take my laundry back 2 my apt. I think I only have one more story 2 tell abt Michael for now." I whispered, "Thank God." On our way out, I slipped the waitress a ten-spot for her tip. I just knew that Mike, Liz, and Anthony wd think we don't hafta give her NEthing since our cinnabuns and coffee were comped. But we spent a long time in that booth and the waitress cda been making $$ from paying customers. And she did w8 on us, an' shd B paid 4 that.

NEhoodles, as I followed Liz down in2 her basement apt, Liz was carrying her laundry basket, which was piled hi w/clothes an' linens, and I was carrying sum xxtra laundry that Liz wasn't able 2 fit in2 the basket. As we were doing that, I was all, "So... Michael was jealous of U 'cause were U a cute little girl, an' he was, well... a boy!" And Liz was all, "I guess..." She didn't say NEthing else until we'd gone in2 her bedroom and she'd hung abt half her laundry. Then she sed, "But, I guess I was jealous of him 2. He cd do all kinds of things that I cdn't do." Sitting on the edge of Lizzie's bed, I asked, "Like what?" Liz was all, "I dunno... He cd climb up an' get stuff out of cupboards. He cd open the fridge, he could play outside and he cd do..." Then while saying, "...other things..." Liz sprouted a thot bubble that showed Mike looking more similar 2 Robin than how he looked in most of the thot bubbles Mike an' Liz had been showing in their other flashback-stories. In this thot bubble w/the Robin-looking Mike, Mike was standing in front of an open toilet, and little Nizzie was holding herself up by curling her fingers over the edge of the bowl (ew!). And Mike had this speech text sprung up in front of him: "MAAAAA!!! Lizzie's watchin' me again!"

I sed, "First of all, ew." And Liz sed, "U R so critical!" Then I was like, "Hang on, Liz. In the stories that U were even IN, U were a little baby, not even crawling yet, let alone pulling yrself up 2 watch Mike pee. Secondly, U were aware enuf 2 xxperience jealousy, and sumhow xxperience it in a way that U R able 2 remember having felt this way?" And Liz sed, "What makes U think I remember NE of this? I don't even know if it's true. I've got a script, remember?" And I sed, "Oh, rite, the script."

NEway, peeps, I M cautiously optimistic that by Monday, I will B able 2 move on2 a new topic. And of course, on Sundays we nearly alwayz talk abt sumthing diff.

Apes

Burps and Young Rivalry

Yeah, we're still on the reminiscing abt Kindergarten-Mike. Mike was all, "Oh, Lizardbreath! U'll like what I've got 2 share next. It has U in it." Anthony was like, "How wonderful!" Liz sed, "Theatrical. Emotional. Smart. Inquisitive." I sed, "[ . . . ]."

Mike was like, "Watch these thot bubbles. This is going to charm U!" 1st thot bubble had Mike talking 2 baby Liz, who was in sum kinda old-fashioned death-trap baby seat on what looked like a kitchen counter. She wasn't, like, belted in2 the thing in NE way, and there was no adult 2 B C'n. Mike was saying, "I'm 5, Elizabeth... an' I can count 2 100. I can even spell my name frontwards an' I know lots of stuff." Second thot bubble had baby Nizzie with a speech bubble: "Blrgl?" And Mike, in the 3rd an' final thot bubble, sed, "So.. howcome all U gotta do is burp, an' every1 thinx U're wonderful?" And just then real-time Liz put her hand on her mouth and burped. And Anthony clapped his hands and sed, "WONDERFUL!" I was like, "Liz, is this story supposed 2 bring us back 2 the topic that U started w/, abt U an' Mike being "so far away" from ea other in spite of being closer in age than I M w/either of U?" Liz was like, "What? Who even knows NEmore?"

Then I asked, "Mike, Y did U specify that U cd spell yr name frontwards? Were U working on an' failing with spelling it backwards?" Mike sed, "April, pls do not ask about that!" I sed, "L-E-A-H-C-I-M." Mike sed, "Show-off!"

Our waitress came over 2 our table, all, "How is everything?" I cd tell she really wanted us 2 vac8 the table, but clueless Mike was like, "Marvelous! I always enjoy myself @ my dear friend Gordo's car-dealership restaurant!" I tried 2 mouth the words, "Don't worry, I will tip U when they're not looking," but that's a lot of lip-reading 2 xxpect from a hearing person.

Apes

Dad and Door-Deafness

So, yeah, more on the endless Mike-storying @ the Country Kitchen annex of Mayes Midtown Motors and Vomitorium (Howard, I know U think the Empire Hotel needs a vomitorium, but that's a separate issue). Mike sed Dad having just left reminded him of a "brilliant story." Liz sed, "Hey, when do I get 2 tell another one?" Mike sed, "All in good time, slightly older little sis. Watch and learn."

Three thot bubbles. Mike, holding his teddy, standing in a corridor w/awful floral wallpaper I have never, ever seen B4. 1st thot bubble had him rattling @ a door and speech-bubbling, "U havin' a bath, Dad? Whatcha doin? Can I come in? DAD! HUH?" 2nd thot bubble was Mike knocking on the door and speech-bubbling, "I KNOW youre in there! Dad... Dad? DADDY!!" Last bubble showed Mike thot-bubbling, "Howcome grownups can't hear NEthing thru that door..."

Then Mike shook his head and sed, "Weird thing. When I'm in the washroom, I can hear my children as clear as day. But my lovely Deanna? She can't hear a thing when she's in there."

I sed, "Yeah, that's all very fascinating, but can't we wrap this up?" Mike sed, "Silly girl. U know we will probably have @ least two more stories, AT LEAST." Anthony was all, "Oh, GOODY!" I gestured @ the waitress cuz I totally needed more coffee @ this pt.

Jeremy, thanx 4 sharing yr poem in the comments last nite. It was so cube! I had so much fun @ the open-mic poetry slam. This was mine:

I have LIFE! I have my FRIENDS!
I'm gonna B a VET
But all I get
2 talk abt is my BROTHER'S
pasttime FANTASIES
Of imaginary gr8ness
Tired of being punished 4 my l8ness
In this fam, I wanna burst free
an' talk abt ME
That doesn't make me a MARTIAN, DAD
It doesn't make me a PRINCESS
OMG, U'd think I were
Riding around robbin' banks
All hopped up on scooby snacks
The way these ppl treat me
But they won't defeat me
I'm gonna leave this town, this sick fantasy
Place in sum 60-yr-old woman's
Ill imagination I'll B gone
And I'll Be happy
Jeremy, catch me!

After that last line, I leapt off of the stage, and fortunately, Jeremy caught me in his arms and we didn't fall over or NEthing.

Apes

YAAAH

Since my booth in Gordo's Garage an' Grill (that day abt 2.5 wks ago) was by the window, I tried 2 climb out of it 2 escape more of the flashbacky stories abt Mike, but the friggin' things don't open. Mike was all, "Formerly little sis, sit tite, U won't want 2 miss this next one I've got planned 4 U." And I sed, "Liz! Can't we pls, pls, pls have a story that doesn't have Mike in it?" Liz shook her head sadly and Mike just laffed and sed, "April, what a CARD U R, a Joker, get it? Ha, ha, ha!" I stared @ him like he's a mental patient, and Dad sed, "Mike, that one was really old when I was, well, yung." And Mike looked dejected. 4 just a sec, tho. Then he started w/the thot bubbling.

1st thot bubble had Mom sitting and reading a book as Mike stalked behind her w/a v. demented look on his face. Next thot bubble had him screaming "YAAAH" just behind her, w/his eyes screwed shut, his mouth wide open, his teeth showing, and his fingers curled on hands raised over his hed, causing Mom 2 bug out her eyes, splay her hands, have motion signs on ea side of her hed, floaty hair, and her mouth shaped like a boomerang. 3rd panel was Mom, with drops of sweat coming off the front of her face and back of her hed, saying "Michael.. Don't U ever sneak up on me like that again!" Mike looked v. pleased w/himself. Last panel had him with smug, half-opened eyes, saying, "U really don't have eyes in the back of yr head.... Do you, Ma?" And Mom looked sad.

I sed, "OMG, Dad! If I'd dun that 2 Mom, she wda sent me out 2 the ravine and told me 2 play in a flood!" Dad sed, "U're such a Martian princess, with the things U say! But U C what I mean, Mike really was a stinker! That's Y, when yr mom complained about having 2 clean--how'd she put it--the NEVER ENDING MESS--along w/cooking and wiping 'dirty noses,' well I reminded her 'you're the one who wanted kids in the 1st place!'" Liz sed, "Dad! That's horrible. Dad shrugged an' sed, "Don't worry, 1st I sed, 'Take it easy. Kids R a lot of work. They're part of life... U have 2 accept these things." I asked Y he didn't just pitch in more, and Dad sed, "Weren't U listening? She was the one who wanted kids!" I sed, "U didn't hafta help cuz U didn't want us?" Dad was all, "Not @ all. I didn't want Mike and Liz. By the time U came along, I wanted U, but yr mother didn't. Funny how these things go!" Dad's fone rang, so he answered it and was all, "Sorry, El, I got distracted. I'll B rite back." He hung up and told us "I was helping w/yr Grandpa Jim. I went out 2 buy sum bottled water, but then I remembered I wanted 2 look over Gordo's books. Then I saw U all, and I got a little sidetracked. I'd better get back B4 yr mother unhinges that jaw at me!" And then he was off.

Anthony asked, "Michael, did U really believe that yr mother had eyes on the back of her hed? Or was it an xxcuse 2 sneak up on her?" Mike was like, "I believed it! Y wdn't I!" I sed 2 Anthony, "Just remember the phrased 'painfully literal.' That'll xxplain abt 90% of Mike's reaction 2 things." Anthony pulled a little notebook from his back pocket, wrote down, "Michael Patterson. Painfully literal." Then put the notebook back into the pocket.

I sed, "I think I know what's happened. I died and went 2 hell. This is my version of eternal damnation. Damn U, Jean-Paul Sartre!"

Dunc, I lucked out. Stone Season is being added 2 the grade-11 CanLit unit NEXT year. I totally dodged that bullet!

Apes

Young Michael woke Mom

U mite remember that w/yesterday's installment of me telling U abt that Mike-reminiscence day from more than 2 wks ago, Dad had joined us ("us" being me, Liz, Mike, and Anthony) @ our booth o' stories @ Gordo's Garage an' Grill.

Mike was a bit sore abt Dad sayin' he had been a "little stinker," and he insisted his next story wd improve our impression of him. So he sprung 4 consecutive thot bubbles, the 1st 3 of which had Mom lookin' really, really ruff, w/just her head (lookin' nearly dead) peeking out from her covers as she lies in bed. 1st thot bubble had Mike speech-bubbling, "Come on, Ma... get up. It's morning, Ma!" 2nd thot bubble had her facing the other way, so we cd just C the back of her head, while her speech bubble read, "::grrumph:: --I don't want 2 get up, Michael .. go get a (yawn) glass of milk..." Mike in the next thot bubble had his eyes screwed shut, his mouth wide open, and a speech bubble w/"U can't stay in bed... I'll B l8 4 school, an' Lizzy is soakin' wet!" Mom's eyes looked like a coupla walnuts. Final thot bubble had Mom stooped over, clutching @ the neckline of her bathrobe as Mike led her and she thot bubbled, "If I were wide awake.. I'd think my 5-year-old was treating me like a 5-year-old..."

Liz sed, "Dad! Where were U? Y cdn't U help out if Mom was in such ruff shape?" Mike and Dad laffed and Mike sed, "Lizard, U have so much 2 learn. U 2, April. This was clearly 'mommy' work. U can't xxpect the daddy 2 do 'mommy' work!" Anthony looked kinda uneasy, and Mike sed, "Oh, don't feel bad, Anthony. U were clearly put in an unnatural position because of the Quebecoise hoochie who ran out on U. These wrongs will B rited once U marry the Lizard." Dad sed, "Mike, shd I go put down some money...?" Mike was all, "Sh, U'll scare her, she's like a baby bird!"

I was all, "U know, I shd really get sum homework dun. I have a lot of work this term, and when I got in2 Liz's car 2 do laundry, I had no idea what I was getting myself in2." Liz sed, "The stories Rn't finished yet." And Mike sed, "Aw, c'mon, it's abt 2 get really, really good!"

I'm gonna hafta hold off until 2morrow B4 I tell U the next bit. Patterson storytelling. And OMG, it's only Tuesday. Let's all hope really hard 4 one of those mid-week topic changes we sumtymes have around here.

Apes

Checkers in Flashbackland

I was rite. We R still on this memory sequence. So on that day more than two weeks ago, in the booth @ the restaurant of Gordo's Garage an' Grill, Mike had told his story abt spooking that poor letter carrier thru the mail slot in the front door. Liz started 2 say, "U know, mayB we shd get go--" Then Mike cut her off w/"The checkers story! The checkers story shd have come B4 the mailslot story! Lizard, now U have ME mixing up the sequence! OK, watch these thot bubbles!"

Anthony rubbed his hands in happy anticipation, Liz scowled, and I just kinda braced myself. We got 4 thot bubbles featuring Mike and Dad playing checkers in profile (Mike on the left and Dad on the rite). 1st thot bubble, Dad was pting @ the bd and saying, "Watch it Michael-- if U move there, I'll jump U--so take that turn again." Next bubble, Dad was saying, "Now, I'll move here. Look closely--" Mike was holding a checker while speech bubbling, "Hah! I can jump U 2 times!!" 3rd thot bubble had Dad picking up a checker and saying, "Well, then... I think I'll just jump yr man here...." Last bubble had Mike going from profile 2 fullface, scrunching his eyes shut, opening his piehole wide, and screeching, "MA! Daddy cheats!"

Just then, Dad walked up 2 our booth, saying, "Oh, I remember that! Boy were U a stinker!" Mike sed, "Dad! Didn't Mom brief U? We're teaching April that our flashbacks show I was smart, inquisitive, theatrical, and emotional." Dad did that thing where U're laffing so hard no sound is coming out, and then he sed, "Ha, thanx, I needed the laff. Hey, Anthony! U know if I were a betting man, I'd put my money on U as my dear Elizabeth's future hubby!" Anthony beamed and Liz went, "Da-a-AD!" Dad sed, "Oh, sorry, I'm doing it again. Well, Gordon told me I cd find U all here, and I thot I'd come in and C 4 myself. Oh, w8, I'd better take a picture 4 Elly. She'll luv this! He took a camera out of his pocket and fiddled w/it a while, trying 2 figure out how 2 get it on. I realized this cd take the rest of the day, and the flashbackery was bad enuf, so I was like "Dad, give it here." And I got it on and ready 4 him. He snapped like 10 pix. Then he--pulled up a chair and started 2 eat cinnabuns.

Apes

Remembrance Day

Jeremy and I R gonna go 2 a Remembrance-Day ceremony 2day, even tho Mom decided not 2 bother this yr. Her reason is that Gramps is not well enuf 2 go, and will B watching on TV instead.

Mom sez that this is what's gonna happen: Iris will set up Gramps in his recliner w/blankets and pillows and w/a hot water bottle on his chest. She'll ask him if he's comfy enuf, even tho she knows he won't answer. On the program, sum1 will say, "We R gathered here 2day, 2 remember our sons, our daughters, our relatives and friends....ordinary ppl w/extraordinary courage...our soldiers of war." Iris will put a hand on his shoulder and say, "Jim? The Remembrance Day Service has started, dear!" Unbeknowest 2 Iris, hearing the service will make Gramps have a special sleep where he hears everything and also has a vivid dream where a guy who resembles Mike, dressed as a soldier, rescues a little girl who is wandering in an area where bombs R being dropped. From the inside an archway, the little girl and the Mike-looking soldier can see the town on fire as Mike-soldier sweats like crazy out of his hairline. When real-life Merrie wanders over 2 the odefoax home and finds her way 2 Gramps an' Iris's apt, so she can ask Iris if her gr8-grampa Jim got 2 C "all the stuff abt the war," Iris will say, "No, Meredith." Then Merrie will look gobsmacked as Iris says, "He slept rite thru it."

I asked Mom how it was that she knew that all this is gonna happen, and she sed, "It's ordained 2 happen that way." She refused 2 say more. I asked her if she wasn't concerned abt Merrie B-ing allowed 2 wander around like that, and she sed, "I let U kids wander around, and U all turned out fine." I tried 2 remind her that I almost drowned in the ravine, but she stuck her fingers in her ears and sang, "LALALALALALALA!"

Apes

More Early Jerkish Behaviour

OMG, I don't think I'm going 2 B able 2 wrap this up, foax. I'm afraid this current series of "young Michael" stories I'm sharing R going 2 go in2 a 3rd week. I M so, so sorry abt that!

U mite remember that in the last bit I told U abt, I was in the restaurant @ Gordo's place (I like 2 call it Gordo's Garage an' Grill). Liz, Anthony, Mike and I were in a booth having cinnabuns and coffee as Mike and Liz shared stories that were supposta show that Mike was smart, inquisitive, emotional and theatrical, and maybe also that even tho Mike an' Liz R closer in age than I M w/either of them, sumtymez they were "far apart." Only the stories were really NOT showing NE of that. Oh, w8. Painfully literal Mike mite pt out that when Liz was in the house and he was in the park w/Lawrence, or in his kindergarten class, he was [literally] far away, but Liz was actually trying 2 B figurative. Try 2 follow along w/that, Mike.

So, NEway, the next thing that happed was that Mike wanted 2 share a story he thot was totally hilarious. Again, he sprung speech bubbles he sed we hadta watch. First speech bubble showed yung Mike crouching in front of the mail slot in the front door of the Pattermanse. He had it propped open so he could peer out, and his thot bubble had, "Seven .... six .... five .... four ... three ... twooo ... onnne... ....Aaanddd...." Then in Mike's next thot bubble, we cd C him unhinging his jaw, screwing his eyes shut, and screaming out the slot, "YAAAAAA," and then, last thot bubble showed the poor mailman on the other side, w/the rest of Mike's screech coming out of his gaping maw (which we cd actually c thru the slot): "AAAAAAAAAH." The letter carrier was stooped down 2 put in the mail, and Mike's screech seemed 2 hit him in the face like a big wind, causing his hat 2 fly off, his hair 2 blow back, and 3 letters 2 fly outta his hand.

Then Mike sat with a self-satisfied look on his face that clued us in on this being the last bit of this particular thot-bubble show. I sed, "So I guess the pt of this story is that Michael has ALWAYS been a jerk--or @ least since he was five." Liz started 2 nod absently, when Mike gave her another stern look and she stopped. Then Mike said, "Come, now, formerly little sister. Look at the gr8 imagination that story demonstr8ed. And come on, THAT was theatrical. Did U C how well I projected my voice? U know U hafta project yr voice in the theatre!" I sed, "U weren't in the theatre, Mike, U were in the mail slot." He sed every gr8 hasta start sumwhere.

Anthony, of course, fell all over himself 2 pt out how wonderful a story he thot that was. "Sheer genius, Michael! What an excellent prank! I hope Francie starts displaying so much imagination in her prankery. Just yesterday, she tricked dear ol' Dad by feeding me the wrong answers 4 the Milborough Gazette crossword, but that is so sedate compared 2 Michael's hijinx!"

I sed, "Yeah, whatever." Cuz, U know, lost causes. Jeremy, thanx so much 4 taking me 2 that Police concert. It was so much fun, even w/yr Mom along w/us acting all overgrown fangirlish. I totally understand parents being embarrassing!

2morrow, sumthing diff, but then Monday, prolly more of the same.

Apes

Lil Mike's "Vocabulary"

So, U mite remember I was in the restaurant @ Mayes Midtown Motors, sitting in a booth w/Liz across from me, Mike next 2 me, and Anthony next 2 Liz. Mike had shared his story abt the lemonade stand.

NEway, rite after Gordo walked away, Liz dug sum of her index cards out of her purse, checked thru them, put them back, and sed, "He also had quite a vocabulary." She sprang a thot bubble of Mom holding a dead-twig looking plant and leaning her ear by a window where these were being shouted from outside: "*"; "!"; "@"; "[Saturn]"; "*" As U know, that is a v. v. rude swear. Next thot bubble, Mom stuck her head @ the window, where a misshapen Mike was sitting on the ground w/a misshapen Lawrence, playing w/misshapen toys. Mom's speech bubble was all, "Michael! ..Don't U ever let me hear U using those words again!!!" I cut in and asked, "Liz, since Mike is rite here, Y can't U just let HIM tell this?" Liz sed, "Don't interrupt me, I'm following my instructions." And the next thot bubble had Mike and Lawrence picking up the toys as Mike speech bubbled, "C'mon, Lawrence, let's go over 2 the park..." Last speech bubble, they were walking, and they'd gone completely white, w/just a crude outline 2 them, as Mike sed, "She can't hear a thing from there..."

Anthony clapped his hands. "What a wonderful story! I'll have to remember that in case I ever hear Francie swearing like that. Then she could wander off to the park unattended and I wouldn't have 2 hear her swear! Elly Patterson is a GENIUS!"

I sed, "Anthony, never use my mom as a parenting model. She had lots and lots of bad--"

Mike interrupted me w/"Stuff and nonsense, formerly little sister! Mom is a parenting ICON in this town. People gather 'round 2 find out every detail of her parenting, and then they gather 2 compare how much they identify w/her. Once again, U R showing yr youth and inexperience. When U get 2 B my or Lizardbreath's age, U'll understand better!"

I started 2 say, "Mike, I'm not going 2 change my mind--" But this time Anthony interrupted. "Listen 2 yr big brother, April. His advice 2 me has been invaluable!" Anthony looked over @ Mike and winked.

Mike sed, "Speaking of which, Liz, U mite want 2 have one of those." He pointed @ the bowl of mints @ Liz & my end of the table. Liz was like, "What R U talking abt?" And Mike mimed blowing in2 his hand 2 smell his own breath. Then rolled his eyes in Anthony's direction and made a kissy face.

Anthony had only caught the kissy-face part, and he sed, "Michael, I like U, really I do, but I don't want to kiss NE1 other than Elizabeth!"

Mike was just like, "Don't worry, Anthony. In my position of eldest Patterson sibling and only male Patterson of my cohort, I am giving my dear sister a little bit of coaching. U will benefit from this if she complies." He gave Liz a hard stare. She stared back, frowned, and then had a mint. Mike whispered, "Good Lizard!"

Well, it's Friday. MAYBE I'll have this bit wrapped up 2morrow.

Apes

Lemonade stand

So on that long, long day, about a week and a half ago, when Liz did her laundry, drove me home, got mad @ Mike, left, came back, got me 2 get back in the car w/her, and went 2 Mayes Midtown Motors 4 a fillup, and told me stories from when Mike was five and she was a little baby? A little baby not even present 4 most of the stories she was telling? Yeah, well, I'll U what happed next.

When the station attendants saw that Anthony had gotten gasoline all over himself while trying 2 give Liz her fillup, one of them, André, came running over and sed he'd take over so Anthony cd clean himself up and change his clothes. It seems he always has changes of clothes in his office cuz stuff just goes wrong that regularly.

NEway, B4 he went off 2 change and clean up, Anthony sed that we shd meet him in Gordo's restaurant. Lest U 4get that Mayes Midtown Motors has one. With cinnamon buns.

So Liz and I got a table, and while we w8ed 4 Anthony, Gordo came over 2 chat. "Liz! What have U been up 2?" She told him a summary of our day. He was like, "Really? Seriously? Sounds like U can really use sum coffee and cinnamon buns. On the house, of course!" He snapped his fingers for a waitress, who came over not looking v. happy 2 have sum1 snap fingers @ her.

"Cindy! Free coffee and cinnamon buns for these two. They're Pattersons!"

Cindy bit her lip and sed, "Yes, sir!" She took our coffee orders and left.

Anthony appeared with Michael trailing behind him. "Liz! April! Gordon! U'll never believe who I just ran in2!"

Gordo sed, "Since Michael Patterson is standing rite behind U, I'd wager U ran in2 him."

Anthony was all, "Yeah! Hey, it's no mistake he's the boss, am I rite, ladies? And Mike?"

So Mike sat down next 2 me and Anthony plunked himself next 2 Liz. Mike was all, "Lizardbreath, which story did U just tell?" She let him know that she'd just told the story of Mike's big "KASMASH" from the kitchen while dad was bottlefeeding Liz." Mike was like, "Oh! Well, U have 2 tell the lemonade-stand story next!" That was the very next one in the sequence!

And Liz sed, "Since U R here and U're such an xxpert, Y don't U tell it?"

Cindy showed up w/the coffee and cinnamon buns and put them on the table. Then she took coffee orders from Mike and Anthony.

Mike was like, "Good thinking, Lizard! Leave the storytelling 2 the professional when he's available! Okay, so watch carefully." Mike sprang 4 consecutive thot bubbles. In the 1st, 5yo Mike was sitting on the stoop just outside the house. He had a sailbout next 2 him, and he had his head resting on 2 grotesquely 4shortened 4arms, with his elbowz on his knees. We cd C Mom's legs in plaid just behind him. Mike had a speech bubble with, "I don't have NEthing 2 do. I don't have NE1 to play w/." In the next thot bubble, Mom was sitting down on the stoop next 2 Mike. In this panel, he looked bald and had the double-eyebrow effect peeps useta get then. His arms were crossed on his knees and his hands looked v. deformed. Mom had an arm around Mike and sed, "I have an idea! Y don't we set up a lemonade stand!" 3rd thot bubble, Mike, still balding, was C'n across the street telling Lawrence and sum freckled kid w/glasses, "Hey, guys! My mom is settin' up a lemonade stand!" In the background was Mom setting up the stand in front of the house: "Lemonade 1 c." Final thot bubble, Mom was sitting at the stand, pouring lemonade 4 Mike, who had his tung sticking out of the corner of his mouth. Lawrence, Gordo, another boy, and a little girl were crowding around the table. Mom thot bubbled, "Sumhow.. this isn't what I had in mind..."

Gordo sed, "Oh, I remember that! Mike, yr mother's lemonade was horrible! It's like U'd get a gulp of sour lemon taste, and then a big clump of sugar. It was awful. As soon as we'd tasted that junk, we all ran home."

Mike looked kind of sad. "Yeah. Then I was bored again. I think I got Mom 2 put on a puppet show."

Liz went, "Where was I during all this?"

Mike sed, "Oh, U were in yr crib. Mom useta just leave U there when she was bizzy and Dad wasn't willing or able 2 help out. When we went back in2 the house U were screaming. U'd spat up all over yrself and yr diaper was soaked."

Liz sed, "It just figures!" When Mike gave her a stern look and rolled his eyez in Anthony's direction, Liz sed, "But Mom cdn't help it b-cuz she knew she was nurturing a son who was xxtra smart and sensitive and theatrical and inquisitive, who needed the xxtra attention."

Anthony broke in w/"B-sides, all that neglect helped make U the good person U R 2day."

Gordo sed, "I'm having an Elly-Patterson lemonade flashback. I'm outta here."

Stay tuned 4 more reminiscing.

Apes

What?

With all our driving around and around on that day more than a week ago when Liz was telling me all these old stories she cdn't possibly remember, I noticed that her gas tank was down 2 "E." I pted it out and was all, "Liz, U need 2 get more gas!" And Liz was all, "Every1 knows that stands for, "Eh, there's abt a quarter gallon left." I told her 2 stop cribbing Rita Rudner's material and reminded her that we're on the metric system.

She of course went out 2 Mayes Midtown Motors 2 fill up, passing 3 closer gas stations on the way. That gave her enuf time 2 give me three thot bubbles from the past. In the first, Dad was sitting in his armchair and bottlefeeding baby Liz. Next thot bubble, there was a giant "KA-SMASH" noise caption and a huge cloud of dust full of geometrical shapes, Dad's glasses popped off his face, Lizzie's bottle popped open, and Liz looked all wide eyed. In the last thot bubble, baby Lizzie was crying, Dad's mouth was downturned as he showed a droplet coming off of his forehead and motion lines behind his head, and Mike came in, sweating 2 droplets from his face as he sprung a speech bubble w/"It's OK, Dad.... ::puff:: ::puff:: Nothin' fell."

I asked Liz, "So what happened? Did Dad go in2 the kitchen and find that Mike had knocked a huge stack of China from the top cabinet? Did he break a Pyrex dish? Did he get in2 huge trub? Did it turn out that he did sumthing that shows he was 'theatrical' or 'sensitive' or 'inquisitive' or 'smart'?" Liz sed, "I don't know. That's all I've got on that story." I sed, "That's not even a story!" Liz didn't answer me, cuz by then we'd arrived @ the gas-station part of the Mayes empire, and wdn't U know it, Anthony showed up, all willing 2 pump Lizzie's gas 4 her, even tho he's a big "manager" type and it's not his job 2 pump gas.

Liz was like. "Don't say NEthing st00pid, April. MayB U shdn't talk @ all." But she didn't tell me I cdn't laff my arse off when Anthony didn't know what he was doing and got gasoline all over himself. Now THAT was comedy!

Apes

More memories Liz never had

The next story that Liz thot-bubbled 4 me showed Dad sitting on an armchair as Michael (@ age 5) has a speech bubble w/"Daddy? ...What's sex?" The next thot bubble Liz sprang showed Dad sweating a couple of huge droplets while speech bubbling, "Well, er, Michael... most plants & animals R divided in2 males & females in, er, order 2 repro--" Thot bubble #3 shows Mike pting @ Dad while laffing this speech bubble: "Ha! Ha! I gotcha! Hee hee.. it's the number between 5 an 7!!! Ha ha ha ha" Final thot bubble shows Dad hunching over his newspaper and thot bubbling, "Just how much does the kid know...."

Erm, I'd guess not much. So I asked Liz, "Is THIS meant 2 show how smart, inquisitive, sensitive and theatrical Mike was? Cuz I'm not really feeling it." Liz was all, "Try not 2 think abt it 2 much. Just pretend we're talking abt sum little kid we don't even know, sum1 who hasn't grown up in2 a pompous adult. Then U mite even enjoy sum of these stories." I sed I'd try.

Perdita, thanx 4 telling us the rules abt posting 4 Duncan. I wish I knew what "delusions" he's supposta have, but I guess I'll have a better idea when he posts. And gd 4 U realizing U don't hafta B w/a childhood sweetheart, esp. if he's a dullard!

Apes

Liz continues 2 retcon Mike

Remember in Saturday's entry, when I told U abt Liz dropping me off @ home and speeding off in a huff? Well, ten minutes l8r, she stomped back in2 the house and sed, "April, I just realized I wasn't dun w/my script. I've got more I'm supposed 2 tell U. Get in the car so we can drive around sum more."

I started 2 protest, but remember Mike was still there, and he came out from the kitchen and went in2 a speech abt my "Patterson education." I figged this was worse than Liz and her reminisce-o-script were going to be, so I went.

We got in2 the car and put on our seatbelts. Liz checked sum index cards, then she tucked them in2 her purse and started up the car. As she backed out of the driveway, Liz sed, "Michael was smart and inquisitive... which often got him in2 trouble."

I let out a big snort. "SMART and INQUISITIVE? How can U even say that with a str8 face?" Liz was like, "Botox. And don't interrupt. Now, I'm going 2 have 4 thot bubbles U hafta look @." Sure enuf, she had 4 thot bubbles--the 1st had lil Mike turning on a faucet, the view of him full-face, and U cd just C his head an' shoulders and the washroom sink in front of him. Next thot bubble, he's in profile and revealed 2 B standing on a chair, turning on water in the kitchen sink. 3rd bubble, he's seen from the back, on his toes while leaning in2 the basement sink and turning on that water. Last bubble, Dad is leaping out of the shower, which is full of steam, and grabbing a towel that (thankgodfully) is covering his naughty bits.

I sed, "Another memory that U're not even in. That suxx." Liz sed, "Yeah, it kind of does." I asked, "Y R U giving Mike this whole 'smart/sensitive/theatrical/inquisitive' retcon?" Liz sed, "I got a memo from the Witch of Corbeil. If I don't follow the script exactly, there is no chance Anthony will EVER marry me." I started 2 ask if that wd B so bad, but the look in her eyes stopped me in my tracks. I sed, "So this is the new 'official' family story on Mike's childhood, eh?" Liz sed, "''Fraid so."

Apes

Falling Back

Mike wants 2 share sumthing that happed in connection 2 the whole "fall back" of Daylight Saving Time ending:

April,

Formerly little sis. As often as I try to teach the proper way to manipulate the space/time continuum, I don’t seem to be able to get through to my son. I fear when the time comes for him to do retroactive continuity on his own life story, he may be forced to live his life exactly the way it happened, which you must admit, April, is a pretty horrible thing for a Patterson to have to do.

I came to this realization when I got home last night. I looked at the clock on the wall and discerned it said “8 o’clock” without a date on it; but just looking at an actual time caused to stir in me the feeling that it was “Time to set the clocks back. Another sign that winter’s coming!” Of course, the official start of “winter” is not actually coming until next month, but you know how things are around here. You tell a little story about your Gramma Marian to your daughter and the next thing you know a month has passed.

My lovely Deanna was in her pink underwear which I think I have seen her wear, I suppose, never. She was picking out a flannel nightgown to wear which caused me to think, “As is the flannel nightgown.” Then I thought, “Sigh.” Now, formerly little sis, you may think that when I think “Sigh” it is an actual “Sigh”, but that would not be correct. In this case, my thought of “Sigh” was actually an indication of my lament of having to see my lovely Deanna with her blonde hair and fair complexion in a dotted yellow, flannel nightgown. Honestly, there is only so much yellow a man can take in his wife.

In order to escape from this nightmare of yellow, I went to my daughter’s room, on the premise I would inform her about changing the time on her clock. I walked in and there was my daughter with her naked doll, lying in a blanket of solid yellow. Needless to say the comparison to my wife and her flannel nightgown in my mind suddenly occurred. I told her, “Turn back the time on your clock, Meredith. Daylight savings is over.” and exited as quickly as possible.

Later on my daughter informed me of the events which followed. She said she was attempting to reset her sunflower clock back an hour when my son came in and said, “Whatcha doin’?” My daughter said she replied, “Going back in time!” Now, while this is essentially true, I have warned my daughter about using too much figurative language around my extremely literal son. Naturally, he assumed that my daughter was manipulating her clock the same way his Auntie Liz manipulated time during her conversation with Candace Halloran over the life and times of Anthony and his Quebecoise ex-wife. According to my daughter, my son replied to her, “Really?” She responded with, “Yep! One whole hour.”

I did have to lecture my daughter thoroughly. “No figurative language around my son, and no talking like some hillbilly from the United States, with that ‘Yep!’” If there is one thing a Patterson hates, is listening to another Patterson sounding like some ignorant, uneducated person from the States. My son made the presumption of actual time manipulation and according to my daughter produced a thought balloon which said, “If I did something one hour ago, then I didn’t do it now!” And then he ran off, leaving his Super-Teddy in the dust, along with an actual dust cloud he stirred up when he started running. My lovely Deanna says we really must think about sweeping the floor in the hallway upstairs. I don’t think we have swept it since we moved in.

After retrieving a toy (van given to him by Mira Sobinski, which I am not motivated to fix) my son had broken in the last hour, according to my daughter he asked her, “Merediff—Can you turn the time back one more hour?” To which my daughter replied, “No…why?” Then my son brought the broken toy to her and said, “It’s still broken! My daughter started laughing when she told me that part, and she continued to laugh for several minutes. I said to her, “What’s so funny?” My daughter said, “Robin thinks you change time with a clock and fix a toy. He makes me laugh.”

Formerly little sis, as you know, if you are going to manipulate time, there are certain circumstances when that is allowed, and broken toys are not that circumstance. If my son had broken that toy over someone’s head and that event led to that someone getting a divorce and abandoning their children to a ghoulish ex-spouse, then it would be a different story. I have been paying attention and to my knowledge, my son’s broken toy has not led to any divorces.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Poor Robin. He's going 2 need lots an' lots of xxtra help. Here @ the TTH, I heard Dad saying "It's time 2 'fall back' and it's BACK 2 the flannel of late FALL. ::sigh::" And Mom sed, "*@#^%!!!" It's creepy how U an' Dee replic8 certain Mom-an'-Dad issues.

Apes

Apes

Mike whined abt being the 1st born

When Liz and I got back 2 the TTH after our adventure in reminiscing @ the laundromat, Mike was standing in front of the house, hands in his pockets. He came over 2 the car, and Liz rolled down her window.

Mike was all, "Sis and other Sis! Two Sisses! What have U 2 been doing?" Liz told him abt going 2 the 'mat cuz of Mom and Dad being out helping w/Gramps, and abt her reminiscing. She told him the topics she'd covered.

"Oh! I'm glad U R carrying on our glorious new Patterson tradition of reminiscing! Don't leave out the tale of my complaining 2 Mom that she didn't luv me as much as she luvved U, Liz! U were napping @ the time."

Liz sed, "Mike, isn't it bad enuf I'm expected 2 tell abt things I cdn't possibly remember now b-cuz I was 2 yung @ the time? I'm supposed 2 tell April sumthing I wasn't even present 4, from that time when I was 2 yung?"

"Pshaw! Those limits R only 4 non-Pattersons! Remember that U're a Patterson! April, I remember it like it was yesterday!" Then Mike put his hand 2 his chin, got a faraway look in his eyes, and sprung sum thot bubbles that actually had speech bubbles in them!

The first thot bubble showed Mom looking completely diff, as she did yrs and yrs ago, like sum1 w/kinda crude drawing skills and a slavish devotion 2 Sparky Schulz had drawn her [and Mike 2, 4 that matter], in profile, with one hand under little Michael's chin as the other did sumthing 2 his head, w/a severely misshapen hand and an unidentifiable object of sum sort. This Michael had a speech bubble that sed, "U don't luv me as much as U luv 'Lizabeth." Then the next thot bubble had the "Mom" and the "Michael" in similar positions, only Mom had her hands @ Mike's collar and appeared 2 B pinching the fabric of his jacket like she mite B considering choking him. His speech bubble had "She can do NEthing an' U let her! U get mad @ me all the time but U NEVER get mad @ 'Lizabeth!" Then the 3rd thot bubble that Mike sprang was Mom hugging Mike, with one hand on the back of his head and the other around the back of his neck on2 his shoulder. Mom had a speech bubble that went, "We do luv U, honey! Liz is a baby. --She's not old enuf 2 understand the difference between rite and wrong--and U R!" Last thot bubble had Mike facing forward, arms xxtended 2 either side, head thrown back, mouth hugely open as a big pit o' blackness, while he shouted, "Y DID I HAFTA GET BORN 1ST!"

Liz sed, "Mike, that is a horrible story and it just reminds me of how awful U R! April, get out of the car and go inside so I can go home." So I did, and I barely had enuf time 2 get my second foot out of the car B4 she went tear-assing out of the driveway w/a gr8 big "screech," nearly running over Connie Poirier, who was power walking.

Mike was all, "What a kidder she is! Naturally, I know she luvs and appreciates me. So, April, do U know if there's NE milk and sugar I can 'borrow'? Dee's been working overtime l8ly, so no time 2 shop, and U know I can't B expected 2 go 2 the store when I'm following my muse!" I sed that we mite have milk, and he followed me in2 the house. My fone rang, and it was Jeremy, so I left Mike 2 his own devices in the kitchen. This all happed abt a wk ago, BTW.

Apes

Emotional, sensitive, an' theatrical--THAT's what we're calling it?

As we took Liz's laundry 2 her car, I sed, "So, U're saying that when U were little--U an' Mike weren't xxactly 'friends'!" While loading her clothes in2 the trunk, Liz was all, "Oh, we loved ea other--we just had our differences. Then, in Patterson fashion, we paused our conversation long enuf 2 get in2 the car, and as I fastened my seatbelt, Liz continued w/"He was emotional and sensitive and theatrical..." Then she got a strange thot bubble over her hed, of Mom when she was yung diapering a baby who I guess was supposta B Liz, but looked like ROBIN. "Liz" had her hed raised and tung out as she went "PFFTT!" in the general direction of Mike, who was standing behind Mom and looking gobsmacked. While Liz had this thot bubble, she continued, "...And...I sort of took advantage of it."

I sed, "Let me guess--this is another story Mike told U 4 yrs and yrs, not yr own memory." And Liz sed, "I suppose so. Yes, that's rite." And I asked her if she was ever suspicious. She sed, "What do U mean?" I told her that I'd dun lots of babysitting, and babies the age she's supposta B in the thot bubble not only don't have the mindset 2 taunt an older sib, but also, they really don't get the idea of sticking out their tungs 2 taunt. They do mouth raspberries @ that age, but only b-cuz they can and it's fun, not b-cuz they have a concept that it's a way 2 make fun of sum1 else.

Liz was quiet a moment and sed, "It's also weird that I remember myself looking like Robin. That can't B rite." I sed, "MayB U have sum false memories?" And Liz looked off in2 the distance 4 a bit. Then she sed, "Stick 2 the script. I have 2 stick 2 the script. And don't B such a picky face!" Then she started up the car.

Apes

Liz told me another baby story she cdn't possibly remember herself. I asked her Y she doesn't stick w/stuff she does remember, and she mumbled sumthing abt following her script.

In this particular event Liz cdn't possibly remember, Mike had Liz's bottle tied 2 a string and he held it up while saying, "Gotcher bottle, Lizzie... Hee, hee!" And Liz, who was sitting up but wobbly, reached 4 it while going, "Uh, uh, uh, UH!" And she fell down w/a bit WHUMP when he pulled it away (mayB channeling Lucy Van Pelt an' the football). Then, as Mom angrily let him away, he was all, "Honest, Mom! ...I was teachin' her how 2 crawl... MA!"

Liz gave me the stinkeye when I told her that this wdn't have happened if Mom hadn't gone and weaned her 2 formula as soon as she even thot abt sprouting her 1st tooth. And gave me an even stinkier eye when I sed, "I mean, imagine the trub Mike wda been in if he'd tried that string trick 2/one of Mom's breasts."

Well, guess we're in for more of this flashbackery tomorrow.

NEway, what a blast last nite @ Wicked Wednesday. Jeremy, thanx 4 talking Officer Luggsworth outta arresting me!

Apes