On & on abt selling the bookstore

K, so this past Sunday nite, over bowls of warmed slop from a can labeled "food", Dad asked Mom, "So, what wd U do if U sold the bookstore?" Mom sed, "Write, travel, spend more time with my dad and the grandchildren..." Dad sed, "Umm...then what?" Mom:" I don't know...Go thru all our photographs, clean out the basement, get rid of stuff..." Dad: "And then?...." Mom sed, "Volunteer, visit friends, cook, clean, go 2 the gym." Note she didn't say "Spend more time w/April 2 get her 2 stop B-ing such a Martian." Phew. NEway, Dad then told her, "I C U B-ing happy 4 mayB 6 months, & then, U'd B v., v. bored." Mom was all, "No I wdn't!" & then while using her spindly lil hand & arm 2 shovel "food" in2 her mouth: "B-sidez, I cd alwayz get a job @ the bookstore." Dad just got this WTF lk on his face & his mouth got really small, almost-gone small.

Hm. Mom's whacked, eh? I think Dad's got it rite. Mom will just B unhappy no matter what, work or not, retired or still working. If she sold the store, she'd B all happy 4 a short while, just like she was all happy & xcited when she bot the st00pid store, which was not much more than 5 yrs ago, peeps! & Mom thinx teenz have a short attention span. NEway, once B-ing "retired" lost its "new", Mom wd B all complaining again. Get a job @ the bookstore? LOL, like Moira wd hire her! ROTFLMAO @ that one!

Well, gotz 2 go. Sorry so l8 2day. . . .

Apes

Dad mentions the big potato nose. . . .

OK, so last nite, Mom sploited sum foul I-don't-know-what food substitute in2 a pot & started 2 heat it up 4 dinner. Dad was snacking on half-wheat crackers (what's the other half?), & while he was chewing, his mouth looked like a tiny spot off to one side of his face. NEway, Mom sed, "I've been thinking again abt selling the store, John. My heart just isn't in it NEmore. Moira mite B keen 2 take it over." (Oh, MITE B? What was yr 1st cloo, detective?) She went on, "MayB she could lease the space......" Dad sed, "U've thot it all out then." Which is a weird thing 2 say, cuz nothing she'd just sed needed 2 come outta thinking thingz out. This is the xact same drill they went thru the last time this tired ol' subject came up. Well, whatev. So, Mom went on, "Yes, but I'm not sure when or how 2 make the change. I like 2 choose the stock, do the books... SLPP" (That last bit was Mom tasting the nasty canned junk she was heating up. Y?) Then Dad sed, "That tellz me U're not completely ready 2 give up Lilliput's Elly. Yr heart may not B in it....But yr nose still is!" When Dad sed that last bit, Mom clenched up her whole face, & leaned her big potato nose in2 the steam fr. the pot o' yuck. I dunno, foax, mayB Dad shd encourage Mom 2 make a decision 1 way or another insteada helping her stay all wishy-washy. But U can't reason w/Mom after U mention her nose. That's alwayz a bad idea.

Paul, no, I never was referring 2 NE plant, LOL! I C U listed yr dictionary defs & U made sum correct conclusions abt the meaningz peeps were using. BUT! Did U KNOW all theze defs B4 U looked up the word? (Just curious.)

So, we've got a yrbook mtg this aft. Alex sez she's gonna tutor Drew Fontaine in French afterwards. It turnz out they're both fr. the capital region of New York State.

Liz, how's Shiimsa 2day? Better?

Howard, hope U R liking yr new home so far. . . .

Apes

Dee doesn't understand kids!

This is kinda random, but I just got an e-mail from Dee:

'April'!

Just 'wait' until you have 'kids'! Good 'luck' figuring them 'out' is all I can say!

Get this, I'd just put 'Robin' in his 'playpen', & he started to bawl. 'Merrie' ran up to the playpen and pushed both hands 'against' it. Then *she* started to bawl, pointing at Robin. I picked him up, which stopped him from his crying. Merrie peered at me for just a moment, leaning both hands on the top of the playpen, and 'then', she started bawling again & pointing at the playpen. I was baffled, 'April', completely baffled. Then I thought I'd try something really 'out there'. I put *Merrie* in the playpen & Robin on the floor next to it. And guess what? They were as happy as 'pigs' in 'mud'. I sat back, a steaming cup of 'coffee' on the kitchen table, thinking, "Just when you think you understand kids..., you discover you don't."

'Dee'

This e-mail gave me a weird little chill, and I realized it was cuz this totally sounded like sumthin' Mom would say. Like, "Oh, this one doesn't like baby jail the playpen, but that one does. Go figure. Kids just do the darndest things & there's no xplaining it." Xcept I don't think it's that hard to understand a one-year-old not wanting 2 B, like, cooped up like that. They're alwayz dumping Robin in that thing, y'know? & w/Merrie, it's gotta B 1 of those sibling rivalry thingz, like she rememberz bein' the baby & all. Like, geez, is it that hard?

So, Liz, I'm glad Vivian gave U thoze books 2 help U understand Shiimsa. I kinda cd have told U Mom's techniques weren't, like, NEthing 2 copy w/the pets. But it helps 2 have a book, eh?

Howard, aw, man, I can't believe Dennis's parents did U like that. & how U didn't take offence 4 1 insult after another like that, until they were, like, getting Dennis 2 promise not 2 choose U. That is so harsh! Dunc & I R gonna B @ Horny Tim's @ noon if U wanna join us & take yr mind off this stuff.

Erg, so now that I'm dun w/my English hwork, Mom's totally nagging me 2 get my Feb letter written, so she can "proof" it. & y'know Mom spells "proof" E-D-I-T. Bleah. How can Jan B almost over already?

Apes

Mom & Salesmanship

Mom's still harping on Monday, and I have a feeling she's not done. We'll prolly get 2 morrow off fr. this story, peeps, but I think it's gonna B rite back 2 it this coming Monday. I know, I know--sorry!

So, like, I'm still @ Becky's now, from the slumber party, but Mom of course called 2 make sure "everything is OK." But I think the real reason was she wanted 2 tell me more abt that st00pid day of hers. She told me she was being all pleasant & professional w/the customerz, but they were being rude, like, by "just looking" insteada buying & grunting insteada answering her "Thank U 4 coming in." And slamming the door (she cd alwayz fix the door so it doesn't slam--lotsa stores have that). She sed she calmed herself down by saying, "The key 2 successful salesmanship is not 2 take rudeness personally." Hm. Moira told me, yesterday evening, that she noticed on Monday that the phone directory looked as though some1 had actually taken huge bites outta it. "I don't think yr father--the DENTIST--wd approve of that, April--if this is what happened, and if it was yr mother, which I don't doubt it was."

But, like, that's all I've got 4 now. We're making Belgian waffles 4 breakfast. Like Becks sed, Shannon tried 2 skinnydip last nite, all "freedom...of....expre....ssion", but Becks wasn't playing that & made Shannon put on her suit. She kinda pouted 4 a while after that, but l8r she remembered, like, "Oh, yeah, I'm @ an actual party" & she kinda litened up.

What was scary is that Dr. Ted decided 2 "join the luvly, sweet yung things, & Becky" in the pool. And he was, like wearing a lil Speedo bikini that we all had 2 avoid lookin' @ like U avoid lookin' @ the sun during an eclipse. & he kept telling us what cute lil bodiez we'd been growing under our school uni's, & we were getting sooooooo squicked! Becky ended up having 2 chase him off with a frying pan & an umbrella!

After that, we weren't in much of a pool mood NEmore, so we dried off, went inside, & changed in2 our jammies. OMG, Shannon's wearing Snoopy footie jammies, w/Woodstock on the tush! I have my "yummy sushi" jamz on, Becks has the babydoll nightie, Alex is wearing an RPI jersey & coffee-bean pajama bottoms, Eva has this really cute smiley "Have a nice day" nightie, & Vicki has black sweatpants & her Audioslave concert shirt.

Becky had sworn off "Truth or Dare", so we played "two lies and a truth." That's the game where you make three statements--two lies, one truth--and every1 triez 2 guess which is which. We learned sum pretty cube thingz abt ea other, but I'll let every1 decide how much they wanna share abt that. My two liez were "I love my brother Michael's writing" & "I think my dad's trains hobby is kewl." I guess those were way obvs. My truth was I started crushin' on Ger when we were both nine. NINE! Kinda scary, eh?

Well, waffles R up. More l8rz,

Apes

Mom's Lie

Mom had this squitchy look on her face this morning, & it was making Dad's breakfast taste bad, so he sed, "Elly. Spill." She sed, "John I'm thinking abt what happened on Monday morning." He sed, "U're still thinking abt Monday on Friday?" & Mom sed, "Yeah, what's unusual abt that?" & Dad & I both sed it's pretty usual around here.

So, Monday, besides having a meltdown abt coffee, Mom was l8 getting in2 the store. She told Moira & Bea, "I apologize 4 being l8 this morning. I had so much 2 do, I lost track of time--& the traffic was terrible!" Beatrice sed, "That's OK, Elly. We're fine on our own." Then, Mom thot, "I just lied 2 Moira & Beatrice! The reason I was l8 is b-cuz I slept in on purpose." Just then, Moira sidled up, Shannon style, & asked, "R U OK, Elly?" And Beatrice added, "U've been working so hard l8ly--....We're a bit worried abt U." And Moira asked, "R U getting enuf sleep?"

Mom told Dad, "Oh, I feel soooo guilty, John! Worse than the guilt I wd've felt not coming in @ all. I lied 2 my cherished employeez, & now they're worried abt me & thinking I'm mayB not getting enuf sleep."

I had a hard time not laffing, cuz Moira & Bea broke this all down 4 me differently when we were stocking shelves & gossing abt James Frey's l8est Oprah appearance. U C, that stuff they sed is code. "That's OK, Elly. We're fine on our own." = "Thingz run much more smoothly when U're not here getting in our way. Y don't U sell the store already?" "R U OK, Elly?" = "Weren't U planning on retiring soon?" "R U getting enuf sleep?" = "U look tired. Tired ppl retire."

So they're not all that worried abt Ma. But I'm sure Mom will have more 2 say abt all this 2morrow. I hope that'll B the end of it.

Meanwhile, Alex is a bit freaked abt a weird memo Hi gave her. We'll get in2 deets l8r, after we talk/think abt it sum more.

Howard's just been hired as Becky's live-in maid. No, w8, scratch that. Mrs. Belfrieda Batsize has just been hired. I don't know Y I got thoze 2 mixed up. ;)

Apes

Pacifier

So, last night @ the bookstore, I was chitchatting with Moira. And I said, "Mom flipped out a bit when U guyz ran outta coffee this past Monday, eh?" Moira got this real dark look on her face, then checked over both shoulders B4 she sed, "U don't know the half of it, April!" Then she told me that after she'd sent Bea out 2 buy more coffee, she came back in2 the break rm & found Mom seeming 2 have an all-out panic attack. "I swear 2 God, April, her tongue was hanging out, her eyez bulging, she was leaning on a counter 4 support, & she even had STARS over her head. I told her abt Bea having gone out 4 more & sed, 'We have instant. Do U want me 2 put a kettle on?' Your mother said, 'OK', so I did. Then I discovered that we were also out of milk, so I asked her if Koffee White wd do. She sed, 'Sure.' Once her little cuppa instant Joe was ready 4 her, yr Mom almost tore my arm off 2 get it. She gave it a big 'SNIFFFFFFFF' & an 'AAAHHHHH'. I asked her how she can drink that stuff, & she sed, 'I don't.... It's a pacifier', & then sort of nestled against the cup." Moira got one of those dark, "angry" cloudz over her hed, & she sed, "I worked 4 Lily 4 many, many yrs B4 yr mother came along as an employee. I had a lot of seniority over her! Then she went & bot the place & became my boss. OK, what can U do? But a few yrs later, she started complaining abt what a burden this place is. I M so ready 2 buy it myself, but of course the moment yr mother learned I was ready 2 take over the store & carry on w/out her, she got all pissy abt being needed." Moira shook her hed & went on, "I love this bizness, April. I live & breathe books. I was even willing 2 put up w/yr Dad's idiotic idea 2 add trainz, toys, & hobbiez, as if we cd really spare the shelfspace 4 that nonsense. But now, yr mother is treating Bea & me like her coffee girlz. If she'z that dependent, Y doesn't she load up @ home & then carry a thermos? & check on the break-room stock now & then 2 make sure she's not running out, since she's the 1 who guzzlez it all day long?" I shook my head. "I dunno, Moira, I can't xplain my mom." She nodded, then my Mom waltzed in w/muffin crumbs all down her shirt, so we changed the subj.

NEway, I'm writing this in Notepad cuz Blogger'z down. I'm not sure when it will B available, but when it iz, I'm gonna just post this B4 I read last nite's comments. Then I'll follow up on them w/comments of my own as soon as I can.

Apes

Coffee Emergency @ Lilliput's

So, after Mom's "guilt" talk the other day, she ended up haulin' her arse 2 work NEway. L8r, she was yammering 2 Dad an' me abt how she was all on autopilot, not even remembering her drive ovr there. She sed it's like she goez in2 a trance, & when she gets 2 the store, she does all the same thingz like she's programmed--taking off her coat 4 xample. Which is kind of a weird xample. Is she gonna break out of her rut by keeping her coat on indoorz all day? Yeah, whatevs. She sed she was thinking, "The only thing that will snap me out of it is a serious glitch in the system." That's when Moira told her, "We're out of coffee." And Mom freaked, shouting, "WHAT?!!!" and jerking her whole body so her glasses jumped off her face, one of her earrings popped off, her necklace wiggled, and her breasts sagged even more than usual. She said, "John! This was completely unacceptable! Can't a bizzy entepreneur like myself xpect her staff 2 keep the coffee stocked? Must I do everything?" Dad made sympathetic soundz & then, when Mom wasn't looking, he rolled his eyez & mouthed the words, "SELL the STORE!"

So, Alex, 2 answer yr question abt that old website U found w/refs 2 Hi Perspastick, I dunno if it'll turn out 2 B important or not. Let's make sure we save copiez of it in case it, like, disappearz off the 'net. Cuz that happs all the time w/websites, eh?

Howard, Marjee, soundz like U 2 had an interesting nite, 2 say the least. Becks, I M totally lookin' forward 2 the girls' slumber party U R having Friday. We so need 2 have sum fun!

Ger, it was so good 2 have our "special" time behind the bikerack this morning! I missed U sooooo much, & luv U like crayzee!

Oh, I C Jeremy coming down the hall. I can show him that funky pic from Hi's yrbook now.

Apes

---

Blogger is planning a scheduled outage today at 4:00 PM Pacific time, so 7:00 PM eastern. So we'll have to work around that time with our posts.

Guilt?

Yesterday morning, after I got back fr. putting my hair in2 the propellor bun Mom insists I wear, Mom told me that when she realized "the dank smell of toadstools in a misty, rotting marsh" was Eddy's breath, she yelled, "Bleah! Go Away, Eddy!" Then, Dad said he'd put Eddy outside. Outside? But it's cold outside! NEway, Dad asked her if she was OK, since she's usually up & dressed by that time. Mom sed she told him, "I'm fine. I just felt like staying in bed," and "I don't want 2 go 2 work 2day." She sed Dad answered w/"Then, stay home! U own the business... What's keeping U from taking a day off?" Mom's answer was "Guilt." This is pretty funny, actually, cuz there R dayz when Mom barely showz her face @ that place, but I guess if she sets foot in there 4 even a sec, she can tell herself she didn't play hookey fr. work & not feel "guilt". LOL!

So, like I sed yesterday, Mr. Hi Perspastick has all of us on yrbook "studying" old yrbooks. What a drag! But don't worry, Jeremy, I'll remember 2 check 4 yr mom in the 1988 book.

Howard & Marjee were both lifting w8s yesterday evening, after Everett had dumped Howard & Marjee realized she cdn't accept Everett's engagement. Hope U guyz R OK 2day?

U mite B wondering Y I'm up again so early? Well, since Mom locked the dogz out of her & Dad's bedrm last nite, "the dank smell of toadstools in a misty, rotting marsh" woke me up @ 5:30 this morning. Ooh, fun!

L8r,

Apes

Mom's "Magical State" of Whatever

Sumtymez, Mom just likes 2 share. Like @ breakfast this morning. She told me that while Dad was getting ready for the day, she was lying in bed and thinking, "Ahhh...Sleep. I love this magical state where you drift in and out of consciousness. Dreaming...Feeling the warmth of morning sunshine on your cheek. As I fly over green hillsidez, I smell the sweet fragrance of mint & pine... I hear rain in the valley...the sound of rushing water... A Fresh breeze. Then...the dank smell of toadstools in a misty, rotting marsh." She's pretty sure Eddie was breathing in her face during that last bit. I said, "W8 a minute Mom. Lemme get this str8. U were lying in bed having this whole 'dream' experience with sunshine an' hillsides, mint an' pine, rain an' rushing water, fresh breezes, dank smells?" And she sed she was. "And while U were dreaming this, U were, like, narrating the whole thing?" & she sed, "Well, yes, I guess U cd say that." I sed, don't U think that's kinda strange? I mean, when I have a dream, I just, y'know, have the dream. I don't narrate it, like, 4 sum1 else, during the dream. Mom got this disgusted look on her face & sed, "Who R U 2 say sumthing is strange? Look @ how U dress & wear yr hair when I don't intervene! Speaking of which, U still need 2 put yr hair up in that luvly propellor bun we agreed upon as yr school hairstyle. I sed, "I nevr agreed 2 that." & she sed, "Regardless, go!" So I had 2 go upstairz & put it up in the dumbarse propellor style. If U C me wearing it that way @ school, pls remind me 2 take it down, eh?

Alex, I M sorry U won't B posting here--aw, heck, U prolly won't even C that I just wrote that. I'll just tell Alex when I C her. I guess I'll C her @ the yrbook meeting after school 2day if we don't have a chance 2 catch up during the day.

Howard, aw, man, I M so sorry U're going thru a ruff time. But I must say, when I was spotting U on the bench press last nite, I noticed yr muscles R already looking more defined!

Apes

Guilty Face

Man, the dogz R really afraid of Mom. & who can blame 'em? Mom was doing her xtra-ugly faced "Sniff?!!" with her big potato nose. Next thing I knew, she was yellin' & sendin' the dogz outside. I don't know Y, but I came over & asked her what happened. She told me Dixie had made a mess on the upstairz carpet. & insteada saying, "Oh, it musta been all that havarti cheese that Gramps slipped her," I asked, "How can U B so sure it was Dixie?" This while Mom was on the ground with her scrub brush and bucket. & Mom sed, "A mother knows a guilty face when she seez 1." She actually peered over the top of her glasses when she sed this. Y does she do this peeps? U either need yr glasses on or U don't. On or off, Mom. Don't peer over.

NEway, the reason I asked insteada sayin' something abt Gramps & the cheese was that yesterday evening, I got a voice mail from Grampers. He begged me not 2 say NEthing 2 Mom abt his Dixie visit. He sed it was an "illicit visit" that Dad helped set up, b-cuz Gramps really missed Dixie & cdn't w8 until his scheduled visit w/Dix & Mom. I told him Mom mite figure it out when Dixie gets the havarti shits, but 4 sum reason, she hasn't.

In other newz, Mom insisted I wear this lime green shirt and bright purply-red pants. She didn't think it was funny when I asked her whether she'd bot it at a clothes store or in the contraceptive aisle @ the pharma. She also sed I had 2 wear my hair in that st00pid propellor bun U R alwayz C-ing me wear when I show up @ school in the morning.

Well, I really, really miss Ger. That hospital's not letting us have NE contact w/ea other. Ger tried 2 call me l8 last nite, but he barely got out, "Hello, my precious April May-ri--" B4 I heard a voice saying, "Gerald, what did we tell U abt that?" & then the phone going ded.

Howard, I M sorry 2 hear abt Everett & Marjee going out on yet another "beard" d8 like that. & Marjee not even saying NEthing abt it B4 hand. Hey, I have an idea. MayB we shd C if we can fix Marjee up w/sum1 nice who'd help her get ovr Maynard AND make her 2 busy 2 B Everett's beard? Hmmm, I wonder if that Elliot Everett guy is str8?

Alex, not cube that Cameron's B-ing rude 2 U! U don't need NE1 B-ing rude like that.

Jeremy, hope yr motor control is back. . . .

I've gotta get outta my house (cuz U know--it's my house & all) so I'm headin' out 2 the mall. NE1 who feels like meeting me, I'll B @ the food court prolly around 11, then hitting the usual storez. U can't miss me in my ugly lime-green shirt. Mom sez she's got peeps all over Mboro keeping an eye out 2 make sure I don't change in2 "those pole-dancer clothes U alien teenangsters like 2 wear".

Apes

I really think Mike hates his kids!

OK, well, I barely got NE sleep last nite. Like mayB 1 eff-ed-up dream worth. Otherwise, it was tossin' & turnin' & gettin' up 2 P. I h8 nites like that, don't U? Then, 4:30 AM, Dixie & Eddie R jumping all over me licking my face till I finally give up @ 5. So I decided 2 check my e-mail & C if I've got an e-mail fr. Dee. & looky-looky, I totally did, eh?

So:

'April':

Back to that 'night'. At 2 in the morning, we heard these noises from the children's room: "THUD!" Then, "Giggle!" Mike got 'up' to see what had happened, and he discovered that 'Meredith' had climbed into 'Robin's' crib. He put her back in her bed and told both 'children' to go back to sleep. Almost right away, 'Merrie' was bawling, and your 'brother' said, "I know what made our parents grow old so fast, Deanna. Having kids!!" When he 'said' that, I felt my eyes bugging out and my naturally 'full' lips bulging even more than usual.

'April', I hate when he says things 'like' this. Granted, having small children is often 'exhausting'. But with 'Michael', you'd think there's no upside. No moments of pure 'joy'. And there 'are', truly.

Oh, well. I'm not sure if I'll have more to say about all this. If I do, you'll probably get it from me in you e-mail late Sunday/early Monday.

'Dee'

Mike's such a jerk. It's alwayz abt how much the kiddlez take outta him & make it so hard 2 B the delicate genius he thinx he is.

Howard, thanx again 4 sittin' w/me & talking last nite. I really needed that! U know so much abt relationships w/guyz! & I'm so glad Mom's dropped the whole Barbados thing.

Shawna-Marie, thanx 4 grabbin' me outta the road & helpin' me calm down. Dawn, U were v. cube, 2. Candace, I'm glad U'll B helpin' Ger.

Ger, I'm so sorry I hurt U. I really do luv U, so, so much. I'm lucky I've got U.

Jeremy, I'm glad U had fun last nite & I don't blame U 4 getting all stern w/me. I was being way st00pid.

Alex, yeah, I'd heard that thing abt how basketball fanz don't like peeps 2 say "bouncyball". It soundz like U had a pretty gd time, in spite of Cameron being jerky. I can understand Y U didn't know what 2 do abt me sayin' that stuff abt playin' in traffic. Peeps usually R jokin' when they talk abt. Not really doin' it, like nutty ol' me.

Becks, thanx 4 the cube e-mail U sent me. It made me feel lots better.

Apes

What's this WE, Michael?

Here's sum more e-mail I got from Dee:

'April':

I'm afraid this story I had to 'tell' is turning out much less 'interesting' than it seemed it 'would' when I started. These things 'happen', I suppose.

Picking up where I left 'off' in my last message to you, 'Michael' and I were lying in bed, fully 'clothed' in modest pyjamas, of course, and I said, "For years, my mom and dad never seemed to change. Suddenly, they both look and sound so much older. Dad's hearing is poor. He has problems with his knees. Mom's got no patience. She's stopped caring about her weight and appearance. I don't think they eat properly. They're certainly not getting enough exercise--and Dad watches far too much T.V." This is what your 'brother' said, 'April':" It's come full circle, Dee. We're starting to parent our parents!" OK, so my eyes bulged out when he said that, I hardly 'know' why, and next thing that hap--

Oh, 'dear', I just heard a 'crash' in the kitchen. And now the Kelps are banging on the ceiling again. Must 'go'! More later!

'Dee'

OK, hold on a wite-hot minute, Michael Wilhemina* Patterson! "We're starting 2 parent our parents"? WE? When the eff do U evr come ovr here & parent our parents? & if U know they're, like, losin' it, Y do U leave 'em in charge of me, a growin' & developing teen who still needs functional parents? Eff U, Michael. Gah, I M 2 pissed 2 comment further on that!

Oh, w8, & 1 more thing. R we ever gonna catch Mike saying that Mom has stopped caring abt her w8 & appearance? Oh, I guess it still counts as "caring" if she occasionally sez she needz 2 cut back on the pastriez & exercise more. ::eyez rolling now::

Howard, the book U wrote looks amazing! U wdn't know it didn't come from a real, big-deal publishing house! NEway, thanx 2 Dunc's promo website & the fake press releases Ger & I made, Mom's convinced that A Gazillion Little Bajan Pieces, by Anne Anna Maus, is the book for the discerning literary cognoscenti who has, incidentally, been burned in the past by Oprah's recommendations. She got so xcited when she read this on the note Howard enclosed: "a powerful, hard-hitting account of a girl's journey from Milborough to Barbados for an education." And her eyes got gigantor when she read on the dust jacket that it shows "how and why transferring teenage daughters to complete their high school education in Barbados turns them into drug-using, slovenly, murderous teenage daughters intent on the violent murder of their parents". She's actually staying home from the store 2 read it. Don't worry, Becks, she's sending my Dad by yr Mom's shop 2 get her morning "usual".

I didn't really get a chance 2 describe what happed when Dunc & I dragged Ger fr. Becks's place 2 mine in a red wagon. Ger's pretty tall, so his arms & legs were hangin' out, his feet kinda dragging along making it hard 2 pull the wagon. Dunc kept pretending we were in a parade & Ger was our float! Dunc that "Ger-elevator" U devised with the fire ladder & pulleys, 2 get Ger up 2 my rm, was genius! Man, we R so lucky no1 got hurt.

Peeps, my Dad is taking me 2 a lame "father-daughter bonding adventure" 2morrow morning. It's 4 fathers of "recalcitrant teenage girls", whatevs that means. We leave early & don't get back till sumtime in the afternoon. There's a good chance I won't B able 2 do my normal morning entry & will have 2 post when we get back, whenev that is. Prolly, I will put up a "place hold" message 2nite, w/2morrow morning as the date/time. If I do that, pls w8 until after it's the date/time of the entry B4 U post a comment 2 it. That way it will B EZ-er 2 keep track of what happed when.

Hm, I C that guy Cameron talking 2 Alex & Eva. Eva lks interested in what he's saying, but Alex seems kinda pissed.

Apes

*No his actual middle name, though it shd B, doncha think?

What's Dee gonna do about her MOTHER?

L8est Dee-mail, peeps:

'April':

Would you believe that your brother actually went to 'bed' while I was still 'awake' on the night my parents had visited? He hardly 'ever' does that, what with his constant 'writing'.

So, he was lying on his 'side' of the bed, and I was getting into my 'side', and I asked, "What am I going to do about my mother, Michael? She was always hot-tempered, controlling and opinionated.... But for her to run downstairs and fight with the neighbours like that, was completely out of character." And Mike responded, "It was? What does your dad say? Has he noticed a change in her behaviour?" I told 'him', "I don't know. Ever since he got his hearing aid...He sort of tunes her out." Your brother sort of raised his 'eyebrows' and looked 'stupid' at that point. So, next thing you know. . . .

'Merrie'! We do not teach our little 'brother' to play with 'knives'! I have to go, 'April'!

'Dee'

OK, w8 a flippin' minute here. After all that shizzle that happed that nite, Dee was wondering what 2 do abt her mother? When her mother was the only 1 w/enuf spine 2 actually B, like, direct w/the neighbours? Not that being all pushy & fighty is the best way, but Mike an' Dee just sit around & complain abt them 2 other peeps, like Lovey or the ppl who read the monthly letterz. Or tape off part of the foyer. And try 2 teach the kiddles 2 whisper & tiptoe so as 2 avoid conflict, so they can then B xtra "poor us". And then there R all the issues abt how Mike spends as much time as he can in his attic, so he can avoid "the complexities of relationships". But, yeah, the big point of the evening is that Mira is out of control. ::snort:: Silly me, I thot this was all heading 2 a Michael smackdown.

Well, Howard asked a really gd question in a post he left last nite:

Is there any chance your parents would respond to a reasonable conversation? For example, you sit with them and discuss how you would prefer to finish your high school education at R.P. Boire and not Barbados. Is such a thing possible? I am kind of curious, because you have been telling us every day how your brother and sister-in-law deal with their problems with my aunt and uncle, and so I was not sure if speaking directly about problems is allowed in your house.

OK, here's the thing. My fam is v. v. bad abt just dealing w/stuff directly. My bro's way of 'handling' your auntie & unk is v. v. Patterson, I h8 2 say. I totally don't wanna B like that. But: the only way I cd have a convo like that w/my 'rents is 2 let on that I know abt their Barbados plan, which I def. don't think they want me 2 know abt & they have no clue that I do. MayB it wdn't xactly B a gd idea 2 let on?

Becks, I am v. sorry 2 hear abt yr Great-Gramma Eulalie dying. Cd U give me an addy 2 send flowerz?

That story U told abt the pilot? Wow. Terrible! & U R rite, that does sound an awful lot like Warren. I wonder if we can find out whether it's him or, like, the most giant coincidence ever, w/a diff pilot.

Oh, the story abt Sophia, the model, that I told Howard & Becks. U mite remember that Mike once wrote a profile of Weed for Portrait. In the article, Mike made a big dealio abt the way Weed uses lighting an' angles 2 C thingz in a totally unique way. & after that, Weed felt, like, pressured 2 do sum stuff that was really "out there". So he came up w/this idea of using really bizarre lighting & angles to make ppl & thingz look totally distorty & diff fr. how they usual look. Unfortunately 4 Sophia, she was one of the "ppl" he chose. Now, U mite think that a model like Sophia is so pretty that she can't take a bad pic. But believe me, if the photog really works hard @ making the lighting & angles unflattering, he can make the most gorg. person look uggo.

So, like, during one of her normal modeling sessions w/Weed, Weed took a buncha "special" shots of Sophia, with B/W film so he could really work the contrast, giving the poor girl's face deep shadows where U don't want 'em, & shooting fr. angles that were just all wrong. & the really effed up part is she didn't even know he was doing these "special" pix. She just thot it was a normal shoot. & she signed a model release 4 all his fotoz.

So, Weed ended up having a special show in a small gallery near Gordo's garage-an'-grill complex. The show was "Looking at the World in New Ways". This show prolly wda come & gone w/almost no effect on NEbody, xcept 4 1 thing. Carleen was in charge of the guest list 4 the opening nite. & she, "oops", included the most prominent modeling agents in the greater Toronto area & a couple from NYC, Paris, & Milan. & it just happed that there was a big fashion doo-hicky going on in TO when the opening was happening, & a buncha these hotshotz got bored & took a car out 2 Mboro 2 C the special show. Next thing U know they're C-ing theze uggo pix of Sophia, & they're all gossing 2 ea other that a model who can take such bad, bad pix cd B poison 2 NE ad campaign or fashion show. So after that, all her jobz dried up & her contracts were pulled. U kinda know the rest.

Apes

Dee Breaks It Up

Here's the next bit of e-mail fr. Dee:

Well, 'April', with all the shouting going on downstairs that 'night', little Merrie called for me, and when I went into the kids' room, she asked me, "Mom? Why is Grandma shouting?" And I told her, "She's just mad at the man downstairs, honey. Your Dad and your Grandpa are trying to make it all better." Then, 'Merrie' said, "I don't like it when there's fighting. It makes me scared." My precocious three-year old, talking with the speech patterns of a ten-year-old, once 'again'! But, 'April', there was no 'time' to stand around being 'proud' about that. I felt my eyelids go heavy, and I was pretty sure I looked sort of bored, but in 'fact', I was quite 'angry' and feeling like a Mama 'bear'. I told Meredith, "I'll be right back." Then I picked up 'Mom' and 'Dad's' coats and went downstairs, saying, "Mom, put your coat on. Dad, take her home! Good night!" They left, and Michael turned to me and said, "Deanna, you broke up that argument in 2 seconds! You are amazing!" I told him, "When my kids get scared...I get STRONG!" I hope you're reading this, Josef Myron 'Child-Scarer' Weeder! Well, I was glad I got my parents to go home and ended the shouting, but it's a 'shame' our 'neighbour' problem is still as unresolved as 'ever'.

Well, that's all I have time for right now, 'April'.

Be 'well',

'Dee'

So, that's all I know about this for the mo, peeps.

BTW, this just appeared in this week's Milborough Shopper:

John Patterson, Dentist, Renaissance Man!

by Michael Patterson

Those of you who know my father, the esteemed Dr. John Patterson, D.D.S., are probably aware of his prowess in the fields of dentistry and model-train layouts. But you might not know that he's a veritable genius! Yes, John Patterson is not the sort who is satisfied with things the way they are. Oh, no, he spends hours, perhaps days, if given a chance, in his workshop, dreaming up and implementing improvements on everyday devices. Take his treadmill for instance.

Dad has a beautiful, state-of-the-art, Dreckler6000 turbo-charged treadmill will built-in iPod and headphones. But was he satisfied with the standard-issue ear buds that came with the product? No, of course not, my friends! My father, ever the audiophile, decided he wanted to optimize the acoustics. And so, he came of with an ingenious plan. He replaced the ear buds with a pair of otoscopes that he acquired from the office of Dr. Maurice Eckler, Ear-Nose-Throat specialist. Thanks, Dr. Eckler! Dad said this improved his musical-listening experience tenfold. Until his unfortunate accident, that is!

Yes, gentle readers, unfortunate accident. This past Sunday, January 15, my father was exercising on his treadmill, listening to his favourite Bobby Curtola music, when his shoelace maliciously untied itself! And when Dad stopped the treadmill, his customized ear buds popped out, making an eardrum-jolting "ka-POW" noise!!! My mother immediately called Dr. Eckler, who for some reason did not see this as a major medical emergency or new, astounding sports injury. I guess not everyone can be a visionary, eh?

Well, my parents will not take this lying down! With the help of the prestigious lawfirm of Cheatham, Robbem, & Steel Associates, my parents are in the process of suing the Dreckler company, the Acme Otoscope Manufacturers, and Shoelaces Unlimited. Wish them luck!

By the way, this is what an otoscope looks like:

Yup, it's that thing your doctor uses 2 look inside yr earz!

Becks, Howard, wow, what a nite U had. I guess yr mom knew pretty much all along abt the disguise, eh, but thot it was kinda amusing? NEway, I'm v. worried abt U since that certain sum1 I won't mention is involved. Pls lemme know if I can help sumhow, eh?

Apes

Mike yells, "QUIET!"

Dee sent me a bit more abt what happed that nite w/her 'rents:

'April'!

Let's see how much more of my 'story' I can share with you before I get 'interrupted' again.

My 'Dad' went down & told my mom, "Mira, come upstairs." And 'Mom' replied, "Not until he agrees to stop banging on our floor!" Hmm, "our floor"? Since when does Mom live with us? Anyway, Mr. Kelpfroth then said, "You want quiet from down here, then I want quiet from up there!" Just then, Michael, who'd managed to tear himself away from that 'attic' of his, jumped in, yelling, "QUIET!" Then, he said, "Please. Let it go. We share this house, so we have to get along. ....Let's all just get back to what we were doing." Mom and Mr. Kelp 'took' this to mean go back to 'bickering', because that's what they had been doing just before.

'April', I'm starting to think we should have sat down and had a 'talk' with our neighbours ages ago. So, anyway, Mom and Mr. Kelp were going 'at' it, and--

Oh, gashdarnit, what is it now Michael?! More later, 'April'!

'Dee'

So I guess I'll prolly have more 2 share 2morrow.

Man, I cdn't believe the mess Ger made in our bathroom after he had dinner here last night. I--I just can't talk abt it. Ger sez he's sorry & he's prolly lactose-intolerant.

Howard, thank U sooooooooo much 4 that faboo dinner last nite! The food was delish & it was such fun having an elegant evening w/U & Becks. Like Howard sed, I do have another story abt Sophia, Carleen, & Weed, but I'll hafta save it 4 l8r. Mom kept me outta school 2 help out @ the bookstore w/the big James Frey crisis. Mom sez she really xpects all heck 2 break loose this afternoon, so I prolly will not B able 2 post much during that time.

I M really sick abt what Ger learned abt Mom & Dad's "Happily Ever After" plan. Dunc, can U believe they wanna get yr mom 2 help ship me off 2 Barbados 4 gradez 11 & 12? Do U think yr 'rents will wanna send U, 2? & then there's all the murder & mayhem in their planz. My 'rents hafta B stopped!

Becks, I hope that dinner goez well. Let us know, K?

Jeremy, Alex, I M sorry abt what U're both going thru. :(

Apes out

Dee's Next Installment

So, Dee sent me another e-mail:

'April'!

Sorry for the 'delay' in continuing the story. This stuff with my 'parents' was about all I could think about this past week, but suddenly I was fixated with the idea of treadmills and ear buds. Fortunately, that's passed, though your 'brother' has started yammering about doing an 'article' about your 'father's' sports 'injury'. LOL, 'April'!

So, when Mr. Kelpfroth answered the door, my mother shouted, "Are you crazy? Banging on the ceiling like that? I should call the police!" At the same time that I interjected "Mother!!" Mr. Kelpfroth challenged her: "Oh yeah? You want trouble, lady?" And Mom responded with, "I want trouble? You're the one who wants trouble!" I was running up the stairs while this last exchange was going on, and once I'd gotten back into our apartment, I said, "Dad! Mom's arguing with the neighbours downstairs again!" Dad said, "I'm coming, I'm coming! I just hate to take her from something she enjoys." That 'Dad' of mine! Okay, so next thing you know--

Oh, for 'heaven's' sake, 'April'! What on earth does that 'brother' of yours want this time? Something about the stupid 'treadmill' and 'injury' article, I think.

'Dee'

So, wait, Dee's mother was arguing with the neighbours again? When did she argue with them B4? Why do we never hear abt these thingz. I mean, I heard abt the time Mira bot Merrie that electronic ball & then jumped up & down after they bang-bang-banged 2 retaliate. But did that lead 2 an argument? Spill, Dee!

Sum lawyer name Earl Cheatham has been trying 2 get in tuch w/Dad. He wants 2 send sum1 ovr 2 have a look @ Dad's treadmill. Whatevs.

Apes out

Dad's Sports Injury

Geez, I don't know. U mite remember that in his monthly letterz, Dad's been going on & on, blahblahblah, abt going running. & this morning, he decided 2 use the treadmill cuz it's cold & snowy out. So he put on sum uggo green shorts, yellow t-shirt, red sneakers, & then took off his glasses? Y on earth did he take off his glasses? B4 he went on the 'mill he was doing sum stretches & he looked oddly girly, so of course 4 a mo I thot he was Mike. I'm all, "Mike, whatcha doin' here? Shdn't U B in yr attic, ignoring the wife an' kidz?" & dad sed, "April! It's me, yr dear old Dad! But if U mistook me 4 Michael, I guess this exercise regimen is the fountain of youth it's cracked up 2 B. Cracked up. U know, I often crack myself up." & me, I'm like, "Yeah, I've kinda noticed." & he got teary & sed, "April! Will U B my best friend again?!" & I sed, "Dad, I think U hurt Mom's feelingz when U go on abt me being yr BFF like that. Cuz, like, yr spouse is supposta B yr BFF." He sed, "April! There U go again taking thingz the wrong way, being all xplosive like TNT! I feel as though I have to walk on eggshellz around U! Now, let me get my workout going!" I put both handz up in the air & sed, "Don't let me stop ya."

So this treadmill, it has, like, a built in muzic thingy. Dad got on & clicked the button 4 the muzic & popped the earpodz in his big, flappy ears. He had this dumb, glazed lk on his face when he did that. Then, something happened, like 5 mins l8r. Peeps, I can't even xplain what it was. 4 sum reason, his right heel popped outta his sneaker, he kinda half-squatted, skreeetched 2 a stop, and then the earpodz popped out. Oh, I think I know. I think he was, like, fiddling w/the muzic, mayB trying 2 switch away fr. "All Bobby Curtola, All the time", & cdn't handle the multitasking. OK, so then Ma was on the phone saying "Hello? Dr. Eckler? I think we've invented a new form of sports injury." Dad had put his glasses back on by then & he was sittin' there looking esp. st00pid.

Well, Mom yelled @ me 4 having my hair down & flowy yesterday @ Becky's Dad's party. She sed the flowy hair made me look "like a trollop". It was v. nice that Ger sed he likes my hair in a pony, cuz I have a feeling my mom's gonna enforce her Patterson hair standardz more stringently, @ least 4 a while. Big sigh.

Becks, Ger, Dunc & I were all v. relieved there were no serious injuriez last nite. Dunc pukin' his guts out is the closest we came. I'm so glad that I got to arrive & depart separate fr. my 'rents, since I was part of the entertainment & all. Even tho it was, like, a blacktie event, Mom had one of her frumpy "business" suits she alwayz wearz 4 work. So embarrassing! & Howard, I totally thot she & Cathy were gonna wrestle 4 that last bit of choccy.

Hmmm, Anne Nichols is knocking @ the door. Weird.

Apes

Mira "Bam-Bam" Sobinski

Oh, man. I M sooooooo tired! Ger & I musta dozed off when we were makin' out in 1 of the bedrooms @ Cindilu Sera Tonin's party last nite. We woke up @ around 3:30 this morning & found the party was still goin' on. Becks, Jeremy, & Alex had shown up, & Ger was all wantin' 2 show them how dancing is supposta B done. Ger! LOL! NEway, that party was the bomb. Vicks, no joke abt the yrbookers having all the best partiez. I was sorry 2 C Gordie got himself hurt doing his sk8board stunts in Cindilu's empty pool!

So, another e-mail from Dee:

'April':

Sorry I'm telling this story in 'dribs' and 'drabs', but my life is just full of interruptions! So, back to that 'night'.

You will remember that my 'mother' was jumping up and down like a 'mental' patient to retaliate against the banging from our downstairs 'neighbours'. So, of course, they banged again, and 'Mother' said, "That does it. I'm going downstairs." I told her to let it go, but she said, "Not a chance!" As she was clomping down the stairs, I told her, "Mother, we have to live here!" Then, as she was banging "BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM!" on their door, I thought, "For a while....anyway." I have no idea why I had that weird 'ellipsis' in my thought, 'April', but the next thing that happened was--

Oh, shoot! 'April'! I have to go because that 'brother' of yours is shouting from the attic. Poor little 'Merrie' has wandered up there looking for attention from her 'father'.

'Dee'

So, that's the latest. More on Monday, I'm guessing. Tomorrow, I'll talk about something else.

So the big shindig @ Becks's 2day. Her Dad's celebration 4 getting outta the 1/2way house. Ger, Dunc & I R gonna B playing backup 4 Becks. Becks sez I should wear the red dress & opera gloves. I've gotta go 2 the mall & buy sum opera gloves! Oh, & my 'rents R gonna B @ the party, so wish us luck. Cuz my 'rents being NEwhere is not usually a v. good thing.

Apes

Aspirin

As U might have guessed, I have another e-mail from Dee 2 share, more abt that nite when her 'rents came 2 visit:

'April'!

It's me, again. I've got more to tell you about that 'night'. Wouldn't you know it, almost as soon as I 'let' your brother make his escape to his 'cave', all heck broke loose!

First, 'Merrie' got bored and gave 'Robin' a pot to play with. And of course he started to bang it and make a racket. I said, "Meredith! Don't give Robin pots to play with!" And I scooped up 'Robin', but it was too late, 'April', the downstairs neighbours were banging on the ceiling again. My 'mother' said, "There's that man again! How can you stand it, Deanna? Your neighbours downstairs are terrible." And I told her, "They only bang on the floor once in a while, Mom." Then 'Mom' started jumping up and down, saying, "Well. Here's a taste of your own medicine!" Well, you won't be 'surprised' to hear I had a 'headache' by then. As I was stalking off in search of relief, little 'Merrie' precociously asked, "Where are you going?" She sounded like a 10-year-old when she asked this! Most three year olds would have put that more like "Mama! Mama! Where go?" I'm so 'proud'. But just then, I just told her, "To get some aspirin."

You know, 'April', I wish I had more of a 'punchline' for this story I just told you. But mostly I'm thinking it would have been nice if 'Michael' could have helped keep the kids 'occupied' so they didn't feel the need to 'bang' on pots.

Well, I think 'Merrie' just dropped something, I have to sign 'off' now.

Best,

'Dee'

So, Mike, when does Dee get a lifeline, eh? Are you the only one who can have one?

Uh-oh, I see Mrs. Krakdaun coming down the hall & it looks like she's got a cell phone in ea hand already!

Apes

Edit: OK, Mrs. K has passed. Phew! So, hockey 2nite, R. P. Boire vs. R. Sheisse Essen. Then, party @ Cindilu Sera Tonin's place, yo! Parteeeeeeee!

Schmedlines!

Ow, my head is still sore fr. being pulled out by the ponytail fr. under that clinic bed. Becks, Howard, & I cdn't believe that place Mrs. F. had checked Ger in2 4 his "xceptional appetite"! I'm so glad we were able 2 break him out. Thanx, U guyz! Becks, wow, I can't believe that convo U heard Dr. Ted having w/"Lynn". That's freekee!

So, I got another e-mail from Dee.

'April'!

I guess you could say I 'caved', but sometimes it's just easier to let Michael 'go' than watch him sulk or, worse, bicker w/my mom.

Dad was watching "Celebrity Food Fight" when 'Mike' got up and said, "Enjoy the show, Wilf. --I gotta go." Just as he got to the attic door, my mother asked, "Working again, Michael? You're not going to stay here and visit with us?" And 'Mike' said, "I'm a writer, Mira. I have deadlines." Mom's 'rejoinder' was, "Deadlines, Schmedlines. Nobody has that much to do! Don't give me that deadlines business!" 'April', your brother actually banged his forehead against the wall when 'Mom' said that! For some reason, I felt this urge to defend 'Michael', maybe because he suddenly looked a bit like that woman 'Kortney' who used to work at your mother's 'store'. And I yelled, "Mom!" Then I gave 'Mike' a kiss on his cheek and said, "Go on, honey. Thanks for spending time with my dad." And 'Michael' had a thought bubble with "My wife is a lifeline!!" While he was thinking this, 'April', he looked as though he was on the verge of 'death'!

Well, so much for my 'spine'!

'Dee'

So, like, Ger is home from school 2day, with a "junkfood hangover". Jeremy & Alex were tellin' Eva abt the fanfic they wrote last nite, 4 that show Lost. Eva sed she went 2 the school basketball game last nite 2 cover it 4 yrbook & it was all "v. v. interesting". I think she's gonna post abt it l8r. Vicks has sum newz abt her coverage of the JV curling team.

Better go!

Apes

TV Time

I have another e-mail fr. Dee, abt that nite her 'rents came over 4 dinner recently:

'April'!

I am 'bushed' from conducting those workshops @ the 'hospital' last night. I think they went well, even though we only had six attendees. Did you hear we had former Olympian Oksana Baiul as one of our co-presenters? That was quite a 'coup'. Anyway, I have more to tell you about that 'evening' with my parents.

After the meal, my father said, "Whooo, that was good. You sure taught your daughter how to cook, Mira!" As if I haven't learned any 'skills' on my own since leaving their home. My mother then said, "She could have used less salt." Hmph! Just because my mother likes her food ultra-bland doesn't mean the rest of us have to 'eat' that way, eh? So, then my mom did her typical, "I'll help clean up. You boys go and relax." She's such a gender stereotype, 'April'. But I guess you're accustomed to that sort of 'thing' at your house, as well. Dad said, "Yeah. What's on the tube?" Your brother immediately looked like a trapped animal. I could hear my dad saying, from the next room, "'Extreme Golf' and 'Amazing Tool Shops'. We're in luck!" 'Michael' told me later that he was thinking, "I can't watch this. I've got too much to do!" I'd asked him to sit with my Dad long enough to be 'polite'. Not thirty seconds later, I heard a creak as Mike leapt up from the chesterfield, and Dad saying "You leaving?" FYI, my 'love', no, thirty seconds wasn't 'long enough'.

Geez, 'April'! I'm quite certain your big brother wouldn't feel so squirrely about losing his precious time if my Dad wanted to sit there telling him how brilliant he is and asking to hear about his endless, multiple-genre freelance projects.

Well, that's all I have time to tell you about right now. I will write some more next time I get a chance.

Fondly,

'Dee'

So, like, after I read Dee's message, I noticed that there was an e-mail from Mike in my inbox, too. Here's what it said:

My dear little sister, Ay, Bee, no. May? June? Whatever, I was fifteen when you were born, so you can't expect me to have paid much attention. I have this weird vibe that my dear wife might be filling your young head with some anti-Mike proppagan, prop-a-gan, er, bad stuff about me. Just know that my time is preshuss and I have to put all my spare time an' energee into my writing. I owe it to Canada!

Love,

Michael, Litterrery king of Canada

Can U believe that? NEway, Wow, Becks, that story abt Ger last nite! I wonder what's the best way 2 help him. He's going thru such a ruff time. :(

Alex, Jeremy, Vicks, Gordie, I M sorry 2 hear U wasted yr time like that last nite. & Howard, I'm sorry 2 hear U still miss being a dog. But, yeah, not having opposable thumbs musta been a real drag!

I'm also worried abt the Morsel, Everett Callahan. Soundz like Dad's tryin' 2 get rid of him 4 sum reason. Dumb idea, Dad! But then again, my opinionz don't count 2 Dad cuz I'm a sub-human "teen-angster" ruled by hormonez. ::sigh::

Apes

Mike Sensing "Vibes"

As promised, I got another e-mail from Dee, describing a recent nite when she was xpecting a visit fr. her rents:

'April'!

The 'kids' are asleep, and of course 'Michael' is upstairs in that attic of his. That luxurious attic. I am still so angry about that, I could 'spit'!

Anyway, that evening I was telling you about. Michael finally hauled his arse down from that lair of his and had the nerve to start justifying himself: "Deanna, I like your parents--really I do! We have our difference, but we get along." April he actually 'said' this with a straight face. What a boldface lie! Then he went on, "The problem is that after dinner, your Mom wants to be with you and the kids--and I'm left with your Dad, who likes to watch television." While Michael was yammering on like this, I was doing 'women's work' in the kitchen. But did it even occur to Mr. 'Sensitive Writer' to help? No, of course not! I wasn't saying anything, and he continued, "--And he wants me to watch with him!! I hate that! I have work to do! All I can think about is how much time I'm wasting!!" Then he paused and said, "Wait! I didn't mean that being with your father was a waste of time!" That's when I responded, "I never said anything." And your 'brilliant' brother? His rejoinder was "I sensed the vibes."

Hm, I think it's a little late in the game to start sensing 'vibes', oblivious as he's been to others' needs and feelings. And what nerve, complaining about my dad, when we have spent countless hours with *your* parents, April. Does he consider that maybe, for me, all that time I have to spend in St. Elly's kitchen might seem like a waste of *my* time? I have stacks of articles to read in pharma journals so I can stay current. Mike's not the only one with work to do, now is he? Arsehole!

By the way, speaking of 'journal' articles, please thank Liz for those wonderful articles she sent me on Early Child Development. I know reading them to Michael would be a waste of breath, since 'he' thinks he's a perfect 'parent', but still I can use them.

Best,

'Dee'

So, there you have it from Dee. Hmm, Mike, if watching TV with Wilf is so painfully dull 4 U, mayB U cd try talking 2 the guy. Howard sez he's pretty cube.

So, Ger's going thru a tuff time now. He's bummed abt his sports performance. Becks & I tried 2 cheer him up last nite, but he's v. v. bummed.

Alex, Eva, & I went 2 the yrbook mtg yesterday. I'm still covering hockey, like I sed last wk, & now Eva's got basketball & Alex has documenting Becks's rise 2 phame.

Howard sez he had a v. strange d8 w/Marjee, who is upset abt her Maynard being in prison again. & Jeremy's got a mountie costume cuz of sum book Alex is reading.

Well, that's all 4 now, foax.

Dee's Story

Yesterday, Mom corralled Dee in2 the kitchen B4 she got a chance 2 do NEthing else, like I sed in my morning entry. We barely got a chance 2 talk @ all, but when we did get a sec, Dee was like, "'April', I've got sumthing 2 tell U abt, sumthing that happened recently when my parents came over 2 have a 'nice' evening with us. But I'll have 2 tell U abt it in a seriez of short e-mails. When I can 'steal' a moment 'here' & 'there'."

So NEway, I checked my e-mail this morning & found this 1 fr. Dee:

'April'!

Here is the first of the 'e-mails' I promised you.

So, we were just moments away from my parents' 'ETA', and that brother of yours had yet to emerge from the God-forsaken 'attic'. So, with 'Robin' slung over my shoulder and 'Merrie' velcroed 2 my thigh, I drudged up the stairs and said, "Michael, I've made cabbage rolls. My parents will be here any minute. I want you to spend an 'evening' with us! So then Michael looked at me and said, "I will! Just let me finish this." I've heard this song enough that I've got all the 'notes' and 'chord' changes memorized. So I said, "No. Every time you say that, you become oblivious to time. Face it. Your work is never done!" Michael then tried, "Trust me!" Ha! I said, "No!" Michael: "Give me 5 minutes!" Me: "No!" Then he tried "Give me 30 seconds!" SECONDS, April! What's he going to do in 30 seconds? So, again, "No!" Then, weird thing, as I was turning my back to go downstairs, I could have sworn I saw an actual 'thought' bubble form over his head, with the words "Give me strength!" Oh, my God, April! He thinks he's the one who needs to be given strength?

Uh-oh, I hear 'Robin' crying. More when I have another quiet moment to write!

'Dee'

Geez, Mike. And I suppose U're gonna whine 2 Mom & try making yrself sound like a big ol' victim in all this. Spend sum time w/yr fam, jerk.

Liz, did U read that stuff Howard & Becks wrote last nite, abt Candace, Rudy, & Candace's Aunt Roo? Geez, they R all so off. I had no idea. Did U?

Jeremy, I think I saw an RCMP uniform in the costume shoppe & the mall. It's worth a try.

Gah, foax, I'm so bummed that we R back in school. Gotta go, cuz I'm abt 2 get caught w/my phone. Alex is drinking a quadruple espresso on one side of me while Eva is sitting on the other telling me this blog entry looks interesting. I hope this isn't one of her bad interestings.

Apes out

Merrie tries to make a trade

Mike an' Dee brought the littles here so's Mike cd take 'em 2 the park 4 snowballs & sledding. Eddie got 2 go along, but not Dee. Dee was all, "You know, Mike, I'd like 2 play w/the 'kids' in the 'snow', 2." & Mike was, like, "Nonsense! U & Mom have catching up 2 do!" & B4 Dee had a chance 2 open the whuparse can, Mom was all grabbing on2 her & leading her 2 the kitchen, all blahblahblah, "Let Mike have his 'Daddy bonding time'." I noticed that Robin has a new, blue snowsuit on. It's pretty nice. But apparently, it didn't help his mood NE.

Keep in mind Robin's only, like 14 months old. So of course he's not gonna have as much fun as his 3yo sister. Duh. When Mike brought them all back from the park, Mom was, like, "Hi there! Did U have fun in the park?" & Mike was all, "3 of us did. Meredith, the dog an' I had a great time--but Robin was miserable." Just then, Robin got this look on his face like "Y U gotta rat me out like that, homes?" & then he started 2 cry. But he stopped a second l8r. & Merrie got this look on her face like she was lookin' @ defective materialz. & she went up 2 Mom, all pushing Robin @ her, & gesturing @ Eddie, asking "Wanna trade?" Mike jerked his head so hard he got motion linez, which also matched the motion lines ovr Robin's head as Merrie yanked him @ Mom. Poor Robin. Every1's always kinda 4getting abt him. I can relate.

Speaking of relating, I found sum old notebooks of Mom's, with essays fr. when she was still tryin' 2 B a writer. These dayz, if U ask her, she's all, like, "Oh, I'm not a writer, but my SON is. Ontario's premier magazine, freelance, blahblah," but when Mom was yung, she wanted 2 B a writer. She majored in English lit @ uni & dropped out 2 marry Dad & support him while he finished dental school. Oh, but I almost 4got what I was about 2 tell U. I found this part where she wrote that Mike was an "accident". Like, her BC failed. Then, she sez, she was all happy abt having a baby an' all. But U know what this meanz, peeps, doncha? Liz is the only 1 of us who wasn't an oops. LOL!

Dunc, I'd luv 2 get 2gether w/U 2day. R U in a Horny Tim's mood, a jamming mood, snowboarding mood, or sumthing else? Oh, man, BTW, I feel 4 U, having 2 look @ the boring vaca pix fr. yr 'rents. My 'rents R alwayz pullin' that when they go away sumwhere.

Apes out

Cya, Liz!

Dad an' I just got back fr taking Liz 2 the bus station. We went 2 bkfast rite after, even tho I M still way, way embarrassed abt last nite's game. Sorry I didn't post more, but after that last post of mine, Dad actually took my phone away & sed "yung ladee, civilized ppl do not make NE phone callz @ this hour!" Can U believe that shizzit?!?! Alex, Jeremy, Alex's fam. I am sooooo sorry abt my Dad ruining the game 4 U last nite. Gah, so much for the idea of my dad & Alex's dad b-coming budz. Seemed like a good enuf idea on paper. & OMG, Dad decided we needed, like, a 2-hr breakfast 2, like, "reconnect". Aarghers.

Paul: Pls try not 2 worry abt what I'm gonna say now. Liz sent me a txt fr the bus & she sed she wanted 2 let U know she just doesn't like 2 talk abt certain thingz in Dad's hearing. Cuz, well, U'd have 2 know our dad.

NEhoodles, this morning, brite & early, we took Lizzie 2 the bus station. Dad kept complaining the whole way abt how tired he was fr. staying out 2 l8 & being "tired ovr". Whatevs. So, just 2 hear NEthing other than Dad's blahblahblah, I was all, "How much longer will U B working up north, Elizabeth?" I have no idea Y I was being all formal like that. I think 2 much xposure 2 Dad hurt my brain. Liz was, like, "A couple more yrs, I guess." & I'm not sure Y I even asked this part, but again, my brain was hurt: "What wd happen if U fell in luv w/a guy fr. up there? Wd U move away 4ever?" Liz cast a sidewayz glance @ Dad, mouthed "Shut UP", & then sed, "April I can't answer that question. B-sidez...I haven't fallen in luv with NE1." We were pulling in2 the parking lot of the station, then, parking the 'vASSe, but it wasn't until we'd parked & walked Liz 2 her bus that she added her "...yet." Which was a bit odd, cuz by then, I think Dad & I had 4gotten what we'd been talking abt.

So, Paul, congrats on the pic & bio Steph the web designer added 2 our fam's page. U lk v. v. cute in that pic! U R rite, the pic of me is an old 1 & I wish Steph wd replace it w/a more recent 1. If U R interested, we have a fam foto album. The second & third fotos fr. the left, on the top row, R more recent pix of me. Fr. mayB a yr or so ago, I think.

Becks, U never sed whether U were in 4 our girls' day @ the moviez! Alex, Eva, Vicks, & I will B in front of the multiplex @ noon if U R interested. We hope so. Remember, U get the pick the flick. & also, we R not letting U pay 4 yr ticket or snax. Our treat.

Yr new studio soundz v. v. cube. Tho, like Jeremy, I hope Dr. Ted's sketchiness doesn't cause trub.

Apes

Red Dress

When Liz was packing 2 go back 2 Mtig, she told me she'd gone thru her closet & put thingz on my bed. I was way psyched when I saw she'd left me her red dress. I was all, "Yr red dress! U're seriously gonna give me yr red dress?" When I put it on, I was like, "Whoa! What's Dad gonna say when he seez me in this?" Which, now that I write it down, I realize it soundz creepy. Like Dad & I R d8ing or sumthing. But really, I meant wd he let me leave the house wearing it. & Liz sed that he'd probably say the same thing he'd sed 2 Liz when she wore it. Just then, Dad showed up & he sed, "U're not going NEwhere in that w/out a coat over it!!" Hmmm, Guess I can't wear it in the summer then, eh? I just hope Mom doesn't make me wear xtra clothes under it.

Ger, can we sneak sum time 2gether so I can show off my new dress? I hafta wear a big coat over it while I'm outdoorz, but it's so friggin' cold out, I'd do that NEway, eh? Had so much fun in the bath w/U last nite, even tho we almost got caught! Good thing Becks & I usta have those "hold yr breath under water" contests at camp. & Mr. Bubble's such a gd cover!

I'm really sad 2 C what Becks's Mom has been sayin' as her reasonz 4 not letting Becks live w/Howard. Her big reasonz shd B abt how much she luvs her daughter & is resp. 4 taking care of her. Not selfish stuff abt how Becky benefits her. Aargh. Becks, pls lemme know if I can help sumhow, K?

In other newz, Alex & Eva R getting back fr. their trip early. Dad & I R gonna join her fam 4 the Milton Icehawx game. Whoot!

Apes

Mom makes it all about herself & her endless menopause!

Liz was pissed. She sed, "April, Y do I even bothering confiding in Mom? I bared my soul 2 her & she came out w/a lame 'the change of life'/'a change in of life' not-even-pun wordplay. Y, Y, Y do I not learn?" I gave her a hug & sed I cd feel her pain. Cuz, U know, I do live in this house. W/our 'rents.

So this is what happed. Liz was, like, moping, & Mom was all, "What's the matter, Liz." (No question mark; this was, like, a statement.) Liz was, like,

I dunno, Ma...I think it's apathy. I saw sum of my old friends over the holidayz. We had fun...But we're growing apart. Sum R getting married, otherz R moving away...I come back 2 this house, my clothes R in the closet, but I don't live here NEmore. I'm confused or depressed or disoriented--or sumthing.

This is when Mom swooped in. I h8 2 think how long she's been saving up this comeback. Cuz our 'rents R like that. They save up these lame-o "wordplay" lines & just can't w8 2 get the chance 2 use 'em. Even when they're, like, not appropriate 2 the sitch. So, Mom went, "I know how U feel. I'm going through the change of life & U're going through a change of life!" Liz told me, "Apes, I could just feel this look forming on my face. I think the word for how I felt was 'nonplussed'. I'm pretty sure I saw that on 1 of the vocab lists U left out." Liz shook her hed & went on, "Man, U know what? When Mom sed she knew how I felt, I thot she might, just might, have had sumthing useful 2 say. Bcuz, after all, she did move here fr. Vancouver. So she musta, like, gone thru the same kinda thing when she was a yung woman. In fact, I vaguely remember her saying sumthing abt this when Mike & I were little & we'd sumtymz visit Gramps & Grandma in BC. She'd leave 'home' 2 visit 'home' & then go back 'home' again." Liz sighed. "But Y waste time drawing on yr experiences in a useful way when U can spew out a lame Patterson 'line'?"

I nodded & I sed, "U know, Liz, I haven't gone thru NE of this yet. But I have a feeling that if U move out for real &, like, start thinking of Mtig as yr real home, U mite start 2 feel less, like, drifty." She sort of half nodded, & I sed, "If U want, I cd help U go thru the stuff U still have here. Decide what U wanna take w/U, what U wanna store in boxes, what U wanna give away. 2, like, me. Not that I'd only B doing this 2 get stuff fr. U." Liz rolled her eyez & swatted me w/a pillow. Then she sed, "U have a pt, April. As long as I have my old rm all set up & ready 4 me 2 step back in2 my childhood, I'll have these 'off' feelingz when I visit. NEway, thanks for your offer. I'll think abt it."

U know, I wda liked 2 have herd abt Liz's hanging out w/her old friendz, wdn't U? This cda been an interesting conversational topic.

So Ger & I have a coupla "secret" dates 2day. We haven't been able 2 C ea other so much, cuz Ger has a crazee training sked over the break. But I'm gonna cheer him on @ the rink when he's practicing hockey. & 2 nite, I'm packing up my 'kini & Ger's gonna smuggle me in2 his house 2 share a bath w/him! Don't worry, we're gonna wear bathing suits like we did B4!

Apes

P.S. I can't believe Buttsy has joined a "rodent gang"! This is so, so bad!

Borrowing stuff; ugly stick

Liz confronted me abt borrowing her stuff, even tho she already knew cuz she readz this blog & I did that whole st00pid "probability" thing abt whether she'd be mad. But I guess she'd either 4gotten or didn't realize how much/often I'd borrowed. Really, Liz, if U R gonna live sumwhere else, all "big girl", then don't B keeping all kinds of stuff @ home like U're still in uni. NEway, when I asked Liz whether she's mad, she sed, "I don't know. I have 2 think abt it." Which is kinda weird, doncha think? & I sed, "Can't we just fite like we used 2 & get it ovr w/?!" & just then, I had this odd, odd feeling I'd suddenly gotten s00per UGLY. So I ran in2 the bathroom 2 look in the mirror & I found I was rite! OMG, I looked like a mutant school marm w/rickets or sumthing! But rite B4 I had time 2 panic, I went back 2 normal that was freaky.

Not as freaky as Mike turning in2 a giant bagpipe-playing mushroom. He's lucky Howard & Becky saved him w/that anti-fungal stuff. Tho it's kinda sad every1 seemed 2 like him better as a 'shroom. Like, it improved his personality.

Well, that's all 4 now.

Apes

January Letters!

January letters fr. my fam R up, so as usual, I'll discuss them here.

Mine: It's weird how my school is out of synch with, like, all the other secondary schools in our area, which don't have second semester begin until February, eh? I guess R.P. Boire just had 2 B diff. I'm surprised my dad doesn't make sum lame pun based on the name of my school. Must B cuz he, like, 4gets his French. I mean, really. Boire is the French verb "to drink". "R P" = "our pee" is so John Patterson, doncha think?

NEway, with all the xcitement ovr the hols, I nev. did get 2 find out what made Becks cry after that math xam. Sumthing I can do 2 help, Becks? Sorry it's taken me so long 2 ask.

"Duncan and I went over the questions on the bus on the way home, and we talked about maybe trying to start the band up again with a different singer, but I don't think it's going to happen. We have a pretty heavy semester coming up, and I've got my job at the bookstore and my music lessons with Mr. Bergan." U mite B wondering abt this, since we went thru this whole thing recently where Mrs. Lake convinced Mom 2 let me cut way, way back on my working so I'd have time 4 yrbook. Well after my "stunt", as she calls it, at the Duncan-fam Xmas party (w/Ger & our compromising position), she took that all (mostly) back & re-upped my hours. I can still do yrbook, but I only get off fr. the store enuf 2 go 2 hockey gamez 2x a wk. & once hockey season is over, my hrs have 2 increase again. So, like, my other yrbook dutiez R now up 4 grabz. If NE1 is interested in officially documenting Becky's singing career, just talk 2 Mr. Hi Perspastick. U get 2 go 2 her gigs (the onez that R "safe" 4 minorz) in a semi-working capacity. But really it doesn't take much time 2 take notes & U can mostly enjoy yrself.

Well, I don't think NE1 would argue abt my fam being weird, LOL. But I totally did not write that Mike has a big, exciting job (note the comma, MOM).

About Dee. I also had a line in there abt how she's 2 cube 4 Mike. But it, like, mysteriously disappeared. (MOM!)

One of the nice things abt Gramps is he never implies that I'm not human. But more on that when I get 2 Dad's letter.

Lizzie's letter: Aw, man, way 2 avoid talkin' abt yr drunk NYE, Liz. Write yr letter early. Did U do that cuz, like, U were planning on drinkin' 2 much & wanted an xcuse not 2 write NEthing abt yr nite? Geez.

2006 is going to be an interesting year. The end of 2005 marked the end of my relationship with Warren; we promised to stay in touch, but our parting of the ways had a definite air of finality about it. I'm glad I got to see him again; I especially enjoyed spending some time with him in the helicopter. He loves to fly, and his enthusiasm is fun to witness. I can't blame him for following his heart and choosing the career that he did; I just wish we could have spent more time together.

"Our parting of ways had a definite air of finality about it"? This totally soundz like this is sumthing that kinda randomly happened. Like there's a chance of rain and Warren is partly cloudy. Insteada Liz firmly taking a stand on her choice of men. But then there's her next para.

So the end of 2005 brought an ending, and the start of 2006 will mark a beginning - I'm going to approach my relationship with Paul in a different way now that I'm not searching the skies for Warren. Paul's confession that he was crazy about me made me so happy, and filled me with hope that we can have a future together. I've had some time to think about him over the holidays, and I think I'm ready to pursue this partnership fully. We have a lot in common, he's a kind person, he's intelligent, likes the same music, movies and outdoor activities that I do, and he's nice to my cat. This could go places! I would like to meet his mom and dad. His mom is Ojibway and his dad is Irish. He speaks so highly of them. Some weekend, we'll drive to White River and I'll be introduced. This sounds so formal! I never met my boyfriends' parents except for Anthony's - but that was high school

This means that until Paul sed what he sed in the car, U'd been keeping an eye up in case Warren decided 2 fly in? WTF? OK, whatevs, I'm glad 2 C U R, like being decisive abt Paul. But, ew, Y'd U even hafta mention Granthony "I have no home" Caine. Ptooie!

Mom's letter: Okay, Jeremy, apparently U heard Moira an' B discussing this bit fr. Mom's letter--"April was in charge of the pre-dinner munchies - we had artichoke dip, crudités (crunchy veggies, crudely chopped) and a cheese and cracker platter that rivaled Anne's catering work. There's quite a bit of artistic talent in this family, and it manifests itself in our food!" Actually, lame as that soundz, I did an unusually "artistic" arrangement, cutting the cheese and crudités in really cool abstract shapes & creating multiple levels like U'd C in a restaurant. Cuz, like, I was bored. But they shouldn't worry abt this B-ing my only artistic outlet. Dunc & I (& Ger, 2) change our minds, like, every other day abt whether we mite revive the band sumtime. No worriez, eh? I agree that arranging cheez isn't what made the "party nites" @ Lilliputs successful. It was totally the free booze.

"I enjoy talking with people throughout the day." Oh, pleaz, Mom, U totally act like they're a burden & U wish they'd all go away. Until U discover the store'z in the red, then U R all anxious 2 C customerz again.

Isn't it funny how Mom's trying 2 act all "literary guru" like that? She reads, like, the shortest lil reviewz she can find & then triez 2 act all like she knowz what she's talking abt, LOL.

Dad's letter: OMG. OK, let's start with this:

It has been great to have Liz home. The one thing I really enjoyed was watching her react to her first real hangover after New Year's Eve (well, she SAID it was her first!). It brought back painful memories of the times I overindulged in alcohol and I must say, it's a lot more fun to watch someone else go through it. Poor Liz thought she was going to die, though, so I am sure she did not enjoy my poking fun at her. But how can you resist, when you feel so much older and wiser. I always swore that I'd never "over hang" again, but it took a long time and a lot more swearing before I kept my word!

Can U believe what a friggin' sadist he is? OK, OK, I admit I harassed her a bit when I 1st realized she was so hung over. But still, seeing her suffer like that wasn't enjoyable, let alone the "one thing I really enjoyed" abt her being home. What a turd! And he thinx I act like I'm not human?

NEway, Liz tellz me she sed this was her worst hangover, & Dad, like, turned that in2 "first real hangover". Whatevs, Dad.

I hope April hasn't been into the booze yet. She's at an age where she says little and scowls a lot. All you can do is keep an eye on her, talk to her openly and hope she uses good judgment. I have to say, even after the two other kids went through the teenage changes, I can't understand how a few simple molecules called hormones can change someone's personality so drastically. She is so sensitive and so up and down these days that I feel I am taking a leisurely stroll though a minefield when she's around. You never know what tone or inflection or comment is going to ignite her rage. I have always been able to kid her and have fun with her, and now I feel like running a barbed wire fence around her with signs that say "Danger, Explosives"!!! At least I have the knowledge that if I wait a few years she will become human again, but I sure do miss my best friend. Some day, she'll be back.

What an arse, eh? Well, let's not tell him abt my little "incident" w/drunkenness, K? NEway, can U believe this stuff he sez abt me? I mean, really, he & Mom R the 1's who R alwayz, alwayz jumpin' down my throat 4 having a "tone" when I'm totally not trying 2 have NE "tone". So can U blame me 4 "saying little"? Or (sumtymez) scowling? A little? & shut up abt "hormonez" already. Geez, this man is totally obsessed w/my "hormonez" & how they're supposedly makin' me, like, not human. Wha? I mean, really, U guyz reading this, is my behaviour that out there? I know U'd like totally tell me if it were.

BTW, Mom totally got pissed @ Dad 4 his comment abt wanting his "best friend" back. "John! I thot we were best friendz!" And he was all, "Eh? Oh rite, U're my other best friend, buddy ol' pal!"

& then he's on abt his st00pid Bushwacker again. Dad? No1, & I mean NO1 carez! Just trade it in 4 a matching 'vASSe, already. Every1 knowz U want 2, & Gordo totally has 1 set aside 4 U.

Lubricating locomotives? Ew! Steam engine, blah blah, again no1 carez. 40% dirt-stain quota? Uh-oh, peeps, I have a feeling he'll B out there boring many, many folks with his idiotic theoriez abt how dirty/stained a workshop needs 2 B. Brace yrselves.

Yo, did U know that steam engines R "more finikity than the electric engines"? Finikity? LOL! Treasure it while U can, cuz Steph the web designer will prolly fix it eventually.

& Oh, God--planning a warm-weather vacation w/Mom? U know we'll endlessly hafta hear abt that & c pix 4, like, ever! Ew!

Mike's letter: My, oh, my, check out Mike admitting, "Every moment of 'free' time was spent here in my attic, my haven from the complexities of relationships." Translation: "I hide from my wife an' kids." Jerk. Oh, & blah blah on "writer's life". Shut up, U hack! And how unintentionally funny was this?

Editing is, at times, a pleasure - as if you're working in tandem with another creative mind. Looking objectively through work that stimulates is more than a job, it's a privilege. At other times, you find yourself wanting to rewrite an entire tome. Simply correcting punctuation or suggesting a turn of phrase is not enough to salvage something that should not have gone past the publisher's inbox in the first place. It's a challenge to edit with neither judgment nor prejudice.

Aw, c'mon, Mike. U totally need sum1 2 correct yr punctuation & suggest better (*gag*) turns of phrase. & nothing U write shd ever go past a publisher's inbox, dork! Then novel, shnovel. Really, I think the world can go on without yr "my kid sister killed the dog" libel-lit (glad we destroyed that file!)

OK, here's an xample of where Mike needs an editor: "I'm slower to criticize, to anger and to condemn." I think this is what my English teacher wd call "faulty parallelism." See, take it apart. For the "parallelism" to work, he'd have to mean he is slower to make others angry. Like, "I'm slow to criticize (other people), to anger (other people)[,] and to condemn (other people)." But I think he's using "anger" as a noun there. Which would not go with his other two verb constructions. (Man, I so totally still have this stuff in my head from writing those examz!) And, like, if he were doing his parallelism correctly here, the "anger" thing wd B a total lie, since he pisses ppl off left & rite. By, like, totally disregarding their feelingz when they don't want him 2 write about them.

Oh, and "By mistakes, I mean errors in judgment." Oh, Mike, that's so yesterday!

Ha, then Mike triez 2 make up 4 his constantly avoiding Dee & the kiddlez by blathering abt them being precious 2 him. Day late, dollar short, d00d.

So, Dee, what's this "newly polished lens" Mike is on abt NEway? Is he using a telescope 2 spy on peeps fr. his attic?

Oh, and Mike wants to "to take this time to thank you for accompanying us on our journey, and for your wonderful hate mail comments and letters."

Dee's letter: Dee, I'm sooooo glad U R getting tough with Mike! Finally! But I hafta admit I was a bit disappointed when U fell back 2 that whole, "But I'm worried abt what all this hiding fr. the attic doing yr 'writing' all the time will do 2 yr health" mode. Did my mom throw that part in?

I thot this was interesting: "My mother seems to grow more overbearing every year while my father grows more withdrawn, and I don't want the two of us to end up like that. " Yo, doesn't that sound a whole lot like my 'rents? So, like, don't emulate them, either!

Gramps's letter: Awwww. I [heart] Gramps. Even tho his letter is mostly I'm OLD! I have ACHES & PAINS! But he's, like totally on my side.

But Gramps, pls never, ever mention strip poker. Ever again!

Pets: I know, the pets' letters R totally bogus. Y do we do them again? NEway, sorry abt that "crazy cat lady" comment, Liz. I kid cuz I luv. Paul, Liz sez she was joking abt yr having 2 buy Shiimsa a gift.

I hope I'm not, like, unknowingly foreshadowing (exam term!) Butterscotch's death-by-electrocution. We shd prolly do sumthing 2 make the house Buttsy-safe insteada sitting around hoping she'll learn not to chomp on cords. Sheesh.

Well, that's all for now. (Gah, took me 4evs 2 write this post. Hope U like it!)

Apes

Dad knows better, he sez

When she had her NYE hangover, Liz swears that 2 her, Dad's voice pretty much sounded like those Charlie Brown adults: "Wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wah!" At least until she had a pot's worth of coffee. But she's pretty sure he was yammering abt how he useta get 2gether w/his "old buds" over the holidayz "an' really tying 1 on!" W8, Liz! Dad sed an'? I thot only peeps under, like, 50 dropped the "D". Was he trying 2 B all cool & trendy? Is he gonna start saying "cube"? NEway, Liz also thinx he blah-blahed about partying all nite, laffing, dancing--"what gr8 timez those were!" Then, "I know better now." Yeah, I think he meanz he can't have a gr8, drunken time w/out driving a snowmobile in2 the side of a bldg & ending up in an Elly 12-step programme.

I'm not sure Y we were all, like, obsessed w/synonyms yesterday, but I think it's passed. I don't have the urge 2 use my thesaurus @ all 2day!

Liz sez she's ready 2 return Mike's laptop, good as new! "New" meaning w/the laptop wiped clean and reformatted, LOL! Unlike Mike, we know how 2 delete stuff 4 good. We found sum pretty interesting stuff, esp the stuff we undeleted. & the "hidden" filez. Liz will post sum deets when she has a chance. BTW, Mike had a list of potential "article" titles:

"Elly Patterson Puts the 'Grand' in 'Grandmother'"
"John Patterson Puts the 'Train' in 'ExTRAINeous'" (check sp.)
"Gordon and Tracey Puts the 'Mayes' in 'Amayesing'" (sp?)
"Martha McRae Puts the 'Ex' in 'Extraordinary'"
"Josef 'Weed' Weeder: He's not a stoner (anymore)"
"Carleen Stein: Don't you have something to DO, woman?"
"I don't search my baby sister's room unless I have a good reason, and besides, Mom said it was OK"
"Grampa Jim: Still Alive?"
"Connie to the left of them, Anne to the Right, There Mom is, Stuck in the Middle with Dad"

There are more, but U get the idea. ::puke::

So, like, Alex & her fam went 2 visit sum peeps in the States. & Eva went along. Ger & I R gonna go ice sk8ing again. We're gonna get 2 the rink around 1, in case NE1 feelz like sk8ing with us.

Apes

Other words 4 drunk. . . .

Yeah, U know Lizzie's nursing a hangover when she doesn't yell @ me 4 calling her Lizardbreath after she sleeps to the crack of noon. & I show off that I know a list of names 4 being drunk: "borked, bombed, blasted, polluted, potted, wasted, lit, smashed, wrecked, totalled, soaked, loaded, hammered, fried..." Man, I must B spending way 2 much time in this house, cuz I cracked myself up & laughed with my tongue sticking out. With my tongue sticking out. Kill me. & Sorry, Liz. Whose thot bubble was all "She knows all of the Patter... & none of the pain." I guess U 4got abt that time I got sh*tfaced @ Becky's house after that sick "lawyer" dinner @ Ger's house. That's OK, it's hard 2 think of all these things when U're so hung over.

Man, I am so sorry 4 all of U who went 2 those lame workshops my mom gave @ the mall yesterday. Towel folding; Kenny Rogers saving yr luv life. It's often a v. v. bad thing 2 let my 'rents leave the house, esp. my mom.

Ger, also sorry U had 2 C that bit o' slash. There's a ton of stuff like that on the lappy Liz is "borrowing" from him. Believe me, we R backing up like crazy NEthing we mite find of use. 2, U know, keep Mike fr. writing abt our personal lives w/out our permission. Speaking of which, Becks, Liz found an outline called "Rebeccah: The 'H' stands for HAND". And it's, like, notes fr. talking 2 Jeffo. We will make sure that it's well erased.

Apes

Yuck, Dad even THINKS in puns.

Mom was bitchin' & moanin' 2 a coupla friendz over coffee abt how she had a "little discussion" w/Dad abt how he folds laundry. Yup, U read that rite. Folds laundry. & her friends were all, "Yr husband does LAUNDRY?!!" So, all of a sudden, Mom kinda appreciates that it's nice that Dad does laundry. But still, she can't stop obsessing abt wanting thingz folded a certain way. So, she was all, "Um... John? I really appreciate it when U do the laundry, and I hate 2 criticize, but..." & Dad was all, "What?" & Mom: "Well, when U fold the towels, I always have 2 refold them." Have 2, Mom? K. Dad: "OK. How wd U like them folded?" & Mom demonstrated her anal-retentive way of folding them so the fit on the towel rack "nicely". & Dad folded 1 her way. & he sed, "OK. Next time I'll do it yr way." Ma was, like, besidez herself: "U're such a sweetheart! I didn't want 2 say NEthing bcuz I thot U'd B mad!!" Dad: "Mad? I'm not mad! Come here." All reaching out his armz for a hug, & Mom all running in2 them, "I luv U, honey!!" & then Dad thinx a st00pid pun. Thot bubble ovr his hed was all "U've gotta know when 2 hold 'em...Know when 2 fold 'em...." But here's what I don't get. Mom & Dad have been married 4, like, evr & she w8ed all that time 2 show Dad the "proper" way 2 fold towelz. So, like, I guess she's been, like, silently resenting Dad 4 misfolding since the stone age. Gah!

Dunc, thanx so much 4 throwing that party last nite. & I'm so glad Howard was like Superman getting all the peeps out & the Malkmuses house all clean by 2:30. What a master! Ger & I had a blast dancing. Thank God he's ovr his whole "ballroom dancing 2 fast songs" hang-up he had @ grad. This time, he saved that for the (few) slow songz Dunc played toward the end. Man, Becks & Howard. U guyz had such a wild ride!

Dee, Liz sez she's game 2 spend sum girl time w/me & U. & Mom sez U R welcome 2 leave Merrie an' Robin here while we 3 go out & have fun. Wanna plan on meeting up here around noon or so?

Alex, Eva, Jeremy. Soundz like yr evening ended up well. Eva, it's nice that U got 2 stay @ Alex's & not get in trub cuz of that grade 12-er spillin' a drink on U.

Oh, BTW Howard, our school doesn't have grade 13 NEmore. They used 2 back when Liz attended. So Jeffo is in his 1st yr @ university. Tho U can't tell by the way he acted while U & Becks danced, LOL!

Apes