Snake

Merrie's really in2 the e-mail now. I just got another 1 from her!

Hi Auntie April. Merrie tell more. Attic Guy and potty. Attic Guy say we need a plumber to get clog out potty. Mommy say maybe Lovey have SNAKE. Merrie scared. Attic Guy say snake is plumbing tool. Then Attic Guy notice time and complain he has work in the attic. And no dinner. And beepy oven broke. Ask what else go wrong. Robin say he need potty. Funny Robin!

Huh, I wonder how long Mike an' Dee thot every1 was gonna hold it in, esp since Dee didn't want 2 call a plumber. I say call the plumber, duh.

Apes

Back 2 MIke

Mike time. I got a little e-mail from Merrie! Here's what she wrote:

Auntie April. Attic Guy is silly! He use Mr. Plungy in the toilet and his face look so mad! Robin watch. Mr. Plungy say, KA FlOOMPA-GUSH KA FLOOMPA-GUSH. Then symbols over Attic Guy's head. Robin tell him Sowwy Daddy. Attic Guy ask Robin why he flush a Daddy sock down the potty. I tell Daddy. Robin want sock 2 find the other Daddy sock. Daddy make funny BIG eyes! Merrie.

Ha. I have a feeling I'll B writing Mike stuff the rest of this wk. That doesn't mean I'm dun being mad @ U Mike. If U want me 2 read yr posts, U hafta read every1 else's posts. U show me U R doing that, an' I'll read yr posts!

Hey, Howard, thanx 4 posting abt Anthony's cross-xxamination. No wonder it took so long!

Apes

Mom and Dad try 2 break up Liz and Paul

After Mom, Dad, and Liz had piled in2 the car after Anthony's court testimony, Dad was all, "So, life can return 2 normal now, Liz." Liz was all, "4 a while. I want 2 go back 2 the cthouse 2 hear the verdict." Dad was all, "I must say, yr friend, Anthony, really stood his ground. They asked sum tuff questions, and he handled them well. He's a good man. I've alwayz like him. He's honest, hard-working, smart, funny and kind." Then, Mom looked over her shoulder @ Liz, all "And he sure cares 4 U, Elizabeth." So, what xxactly is the rule 4 switching fr. "Liz" 2 "Elizabeth?" NEway, Liz was, like, "Mom? Dad? STOP it!! I HAVE a man in my life!" And Mom actually sed, "He mite B in yr life... But where is he when U need him?"

O. M. G. OK, since Liz wants me 2 BUTT OUT of her LIFE, I WON'T say how friggin' unfair it is of Mom 2 say that. I WON'T pt out that Anthony was "there" b-cuz he had a friggin' subpoena 2 testify in the case. I ALSO won't mention that an "honest" man doesn't hold a torch 4 his hs gf all while getting engaged, married, and spawning w/a woman he DOESN'T luv, all the while not clueing in this woman, who nonetheless suspects as much, then acting like this woman is an awful, jealous shrew when she sez as much.

I won't say all those things. But NE an' all of U, readerz, feel free 2 say whatevs.

Apes

Not discussing

When U get 2 the end of this entry, U mite just B wondering Y the frig I'm discussing what I'm abt 2 tell U! Since it's so much nothing.

After Anthony finished his testimony, he and Dad came out in2 the corridor of the cthouse. Dad felt the need 2 B, like, conjoined @ A's hip, telling him, "U did a great job in there, Anthony." Anthony was all, "I'm just glad it's over," while Liz looked @ him w/a worried look, or so I've heard. Liz was, like, "What did U say?" Dad sed, "U can't discuss NEthing, remember? In case U're both called 2 testify again." L8r, Dad sed 2 me, "Sumtymez I think yr sister got sum kind of brain damage. How many times does she need 2 B reminded, eh?" Well, Anthony and Liz moved a little wayz away fr. Mom and Dad, and they watched while Anthony put an arm on Liz and Liz put one on him, and Anthony sed, "I'd better go." Liz was all, "Anthony? Thanx 4 everything." [Including his mindf*ck last summer?] Anthony was like, "Just ask. U know I'll alwayz B there." Liz sed, "Yes. U've alwayz been there." After Anthony left, Mom asked, "What did U say" while Dad raised his eyebrowz and looked hopeful. DON'T friggin' B hopeful abt Anthony, Mom and Dad. Paul! PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL! NEway, Liz closed her eyez, and she looked smug while saying, "I can't discuss NEthing, remember?

C what I mean? All this testimony stuff has been taking place inside he ctroom, and all I get 2 tell U abt is the lame stuff that ppl sed out in the corridor and in the coffee shop. Gah!

Apes

Liz tries 2 school dad on doggie control

Here's sumthing Liz posted last nite, abt Dad and the dogz:

April,

Gosh it's a good thing I'm living at home, I can really help Mom out, and one thing I have noticed since she "retired" and is so busy running every charity and volunteer group in Milborough she doesn't have enough time to spend telling Dad how to do everyday things he's been doing a long time just a little bit better, like today for example, Dad took a book in the living room and kicked the dogs off the couch so he could stretch out and read and then he got up and left and of course the dogs jumped back on the couch and then Dad came back and had to throw them off again, and I thought it was weird because he didn't bring back any food or answer a phone call or anything, but I kind of forgot about it because Dad started reading again, but then after awhile he got up and left again, and the dogs got back on the couch, and he came back another time, and threw the dogs off the couch, and then I knew I couldn't just stand there staring at him anymore, I had to step in as only a Patterson/Richards woman can, I said, "Dad, there are more effective ways to keep the dogs off the couch!" and even though I really couldn't think of any,
I knew Mom would want me to tell Dad he was doing it all wrong, anyway, Dad said, "I know," and I thought phew! because then he wouldn't ask me for any ideas and I was in the clear, and then Dad laid down again and he said, "But this way, they keep it warm for me."

Then I asked him, "Why do you keep getting up and leaving the room, then coming back and not bringing anything?" and Dad said, "I am checking my bids on some model trains on eBay," and I said, "Oh, really, I didn't think you and Mom liked the Internet, I thought you thought it was scary," and Dad said, "That was before I noticed that even though the Internet is full of terrible information, it is also full of model train websites too," and I said, "That's interesting," and Dad said, "Hey, why are you standing around in here just staring at me for hours on end?" and I knew I couldn't tell the truth, which is spying on him for Mom, so I said, "Thinking hard about the trial," and that seemed to fool him.

When Mom came home and I told her what I did, she got all these tears in her eyes and she said, "I'm so proud of you, Elizabeth!" and then she said, "You're going to make some man a wonderful nag someday!" and then she hugged me and I said, "Don't you mean 'wife'?" and Mom said, "Same thing," and I was so happy because Mom hardly ever gives compliments on stuff she considers "her jobs," but then Mom told me some things I should have done to do a better job next time, so then I knew she didn't get replaced by a robot or a space alien or something.

Also you should know that Mom and I went and checked the computer and Dad's eBay screen name is perv4trainz and he has already bought at least $3000 worth of trains this month, I think he is out of control, I wanted to ask Sylvia for a 12 step program for trainaholics, but Mom says no, that Pattersons deal with problems through the strength of family, and I pointed out to her that we are all girls with poor upper arm strength and Mike has always been kind of soft and wimpy so we will never be strong enough to take Dad down and Mom patted my head and said, "I can see you still have much to learn, young Jedi," and then she giggled about how she knows all the hip young kid stuff everyone is into, Mom is so cool, we are really lucky.

Liz

I dunno, Liz, whenev Mom is proud of me abt sumthing, I get a lil nervous. But it hardly ever happs w/me. Dad's outta control w/the train stuff, eh?

I'm glad I went out 2 Funhaus in TO w/Zeremy, Dunc, an' Zandra last nite. I'm so zapped abt that scaree newz that I don't get 2 age past 16, that Jeremy Duncan heard on the radio. Gah, I hope it's not really true, but if it is, I've gotta fit in lotsa living B4 I'm stuck in time! Zeremy, thanx 4 sayin' I looked hott last nite. MayB I'll get 2 look hott more often since my world is ending. Or not. I dunno.

Apes

Personal Power?

While Anthony was inside the courtroom testifying, Mom and Liz were sitting outside. Liz was, like, "I wonder Y it's taking them so long 2 question Anthony. Howard attacked me, there's a witness--he's guilty! It shd all B so simple!.... I don't even know Y it happened it the 1st place! Y wd a guy risk everything--his family, his freedom--4 a few seconds of personal..." And Mom interrupted, all "Power? Ppl have been asking that question since the dawn of man, Elizabeth. ...And we're still in the dark!"

Yeah, whatevs. Howard has a report abt what was going on inside the courtrm around the same time:

April,

Maybe you’re wondering, like your sister, why it took so long to question Anthony Caine. Well, I can tell you in 3 words: Rex Kwan Do. When Anthony entered the courtroom and your mom went out to be with your sister, Anthony yelled out, “Good going, Mrs. P. Keep Elizabeth company. At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Mr. P will be here with me. You go and watch Elizabeth’s back.”

Then Judge Patterlover said, “The accused attacked Elizabeth. Anthony Caine is the witness. I think I will just declare him guilty and make it simple.”

My lawyer, Mr. Benis said, “Your honour. I believe we need to hear the witness’ testimony first.”

Then Judge Patterlover said, “Oh all right. I’ll give the defence counsel a few more seconds of personal…power.”

Then Anthony said, “Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. A mismatched coat and pants and tie tied too short. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. “

Judge Patterlover said, “Mr. Caine. I was speaking to the defence counsel. You are not the defence counsel. Will the clerk please swear in Mr. Caine?”

The court clerk said, “Will you please state your name for the court? Please spell your first and last name.” Anthony said, “Anthony Caine, Rex Hai Keeba elite warrior training for Rex Kwan Do. That’s A-N-T-, um, let me see. Do I use the English “H” or do I give the spelling of my name in the more romantic Spanish?” The clerk said, “English.” Anthony said, “A-N-T-H-O-. um. Wait. Should I use my given name, or my Rex Hai Keeba elite training warrior name?” The clerk said, “Given name.” Anthony said, “A-N-T-O-.” The clerk interrupted and said, “We wanted the English name, not the Spanish name.” Anthony said, “I thought so. You’re a spy, trying to learn the secrets of the Octagon from the spelling of my first name.” The clerk said, “I’ll just enter that you spelled your name correctly. Do you wish to affirm or take an oath on the Bible?” Anthony said, “I am not afraid of you, spy. This is my oath: ‘From this day on I shall respect Rex. I shall never misuse Rex Kwon Do. I shall be a champion of Freedom and Justice.’ How do you like that oath, little miss Spy?” The clerk said, “No. The oath you would take is, ‘Do you solemnly affirm to tell the truth as you know it concerning this matter?’” Anthony said, “I didn’t have a lot of courage when I came in here, all I had was the truth.” The clerk said, “I’ll take that as a ‘Yes’.”

This is how his testimony started. It was very difficult with Anthony and his idiosyncrasies, to say the least. I’ll tell you more about that, if Anthony himself doesn’t pop in and give you the details.

The other odd thing that happened is this Asian / Latina (?) woman, walked in the courtroom and walked up to where we were sitting and said, “Are you alright, Howard?” I said, “Isn’t that all right?” Sylvia said, “Is what alright?” I said, “Isn’t it supposed to be all right and not alright.” Sylvia said, “I suppose it could be, but most times it is alright.” I said, “That’s good.” Sylvia said, “Are you going to answer my question?” I said, “What question was that?” Sylvia said, “Are you alright?” I said, “Since I am a person who is very likely to be put in prison, that‘s an odd question to ask me. Who are you?” Sylvia said, “I am Sylvia, victim support counsellor for Elizabeth Patterson. One of my jobs is to keep Elizabeth aware of the status of the case, so I thought I would come in and ask you.” I said to her Anthony is going to start his cross-examination someday soon. She said, “Thanks” and left. She was weird.

That’s about all I have to tell you right now. I may have more to tell you later.

Howard Bunt

Liz, I kinda think the prosecutor wants 2 know Y Anthony let Howard go if he's supposta B so dangerous. "Apologize" usually isn't enuf when sum1 is v. dangerous. And mayB they wanna know Y he didn't take U 2 hospital or 2 the police instead sitting U under a tree and asking U 2 w8 4 him while he got himself outta his marriage.

Dunc, karaoke was pretty fun, in spite of that "Afternoon Delite" duet Zed got U an' me 2 do. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that when I was singing "Stupid Girl" by Garbage, sum1 in the audience sed, "She must B singing about Elizabeth Patterson. That is 1 stoooooopid girl!" I hope Zed didn't torch the place, eh?

Apes

Liz has TRUTH, she sez

Wow, this was a lonely place yesterday. No comments @ all! And 4 sum reason, sumbody sent me that book called How to Eat Fried Worms. Weird.

NEhoodles, Liz. After Mom an' Liz had coffee on that court-day I'm still telling U all abt, they went back 2 the corridor rite outside of the ctroom, and the court lady I mentioned on Wednesday (who "reminded" Liz and Anthony not 2 discuss the case) was all, "R U alright, Elizabeth?" And Liz was all, "Yes, thanx, Sylvia. I'm just worried abt my friend Anthony." Huh-wha? And this Sylvia chick was like, "He's doing v. well. There's just going 2 B sum cross-xxamination going on. That's all." Then Sylvia walked off and became a dark silhouette as Liz told Mom, "Sylvia is my victim support counsellor. She's wonderful. She's been with me thru this whole thing." Mom sed, "I'm so proud of U, Liz. I'm proud of all the ppl who R testifying against Howard. It takes courage 2 face sum1 in a ct of law!" Mom tellz me she felt that this was a v. noble speech that had been beamed 2 her brain str8 from "the Witch of the North." Or as we know her here @ ARB, "She Who Must Not B Named." Liz sez she felt a big shot of "noble" 2 as she gazed off in2 the distance, all full-lips-o-luvliness, saying "I didn't have a lot of courage when I went in there Mom. ...All I had was the truth." Liz told me that after she sed that she looked over @ Mom, who was looking all wide eyed, and she had 2 gasp a little. "April, I h8 2 say things like this abt Mom, but I swear she looked like she'd gotten xxtra hits from the ugly stick! Don't tell Mom I sed that!" No worries, Liz, I won't say a thing. 2 Mom.

Apes

Rats an' stuff

Liz tells me that as Anthony was going in 2 testify, Mom came out in2 the corridor. Liz was all, "Mom--U're not going 2 stay and watch the trial?" And Mom was, like, "Yr Dad is there. I thot U mite like sum company." They went 2 the caf, got a couple of coffees, an' sat @ a lil round tabe. And Liz was, like, "They asked if I had ever acted seductively towards Howard. He told them I had provoked the attack. He sed I was promiscuous!" And Mom told her, "Just imagine him as a rat in a trap, honey, trying 2 free himself." Liz was, like, "I can't. ...I'd feel sorry 4 a rat." Mom kinda smirked. Liz sez she was kinda distracted cuz there were silhouette ppl all around, which she's used 2, but the weird thing was that there weren't only the solid-black silhouetters. There were also medium-grey ones, with darker heads, and sum that were lite grey, nearly white. Weird, eh?

And in case U R disappointed w/how little this bit advances our current story, U R in luck. Last nite, Howard posted sum more abt Liz's testimony:

April,

I thought I would let you know a little bit more about how things went with your sister’s testimony at my trial. You may remember that she had gone on and on about the virtues of Anthony Caine. Well, after that was done, Judge Patterlover gushed over her and said, “That was the best testimony, I have ever heard. 3 cheers for Elizabeth Patterson! Hip! Hip!” And the people in the courtroom said, “Hooray!” And this happened 2 more times.

Then Judge Patterlover said, “I have this lovely red sash to give you and this coat of arms. Some people think they should be used in a courtroom, but I think you should have them. I never use them.” Then he picked up your sister and started parading her about the courtroom on his shoulder and the bailiff’s shoulder, as the people cheered. After your sister returned back to the witness stand, your sister was getting ready to leave when my lawyer, Mr. Benis, said, “Your honour, I have not yet cross-examined this witness.”

Well, then you could have heard a pin drop in the courtroom. Your sister started to put her purse back down, and the crowd in the courtroom started grumbling things like: “I’m going to cut you off and throw you in the bushes, Benis.” Or “Castration would be too good for you, Benis.” Or “After I am done with you, Benis, you will never come in court again.” Mr. Benis started with his first question, but your sister couldn’t understand him. Mr. Benis said, “Your honour, I cannot continue with this noise.” Judge Patterlover said, “The people are just expressing their discontent.” Mr. Benis said, “Your honour. I mean the noise you are making.” Judge Patterlover said, “Oh all right. People in the courtroom must quiet down for this defence counsel, who will never again try a case in my courtroom.” Mr. Benis said, “Thank you, your honour.”

Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Miss Patterson, I couldn’t help but noticing how heroic Anthony Caine was to defend you against the accused. Did you know he could fight before he threw the accused to the ground and started tweaking his ear?
Elizabeth Patterson: No, I didn’t. He is so easygoing; I never thought he would fight for anything.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: So, if the accused had not attacked you, you would still be ignorant of this quality of Anthony Caine? You would still think he was a spineless milksop with poor grooming habits?
Elizabeth Patterson: It might have come out at some other time, I guess, but no, I don’t think I would know that.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: In a certain way, you could say the accused was like a hero, because he helped you notice something important you didn’t know about Anthony Caine. Is that true?
Elizabeth Patterson: No, Howard is a rat, only I like rats more than Howard. Howard is like an unlikable rat.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Since you think the accused is like a rat, you would never act seductively towards the accused?
Elizabeth Patterson: Eww. No!
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Have you ever acted seductively towards Anthony Caine?
Elizabeth Patterson: Certainly not. I am a proper Patterson.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: How would Anthony Caine know then, you felt differently about him than the accused? You treat him the same as the accused.
Elizabeth Patterson: I told Anthony he is one of my favourite people in the whole world. Isn’t that enough?
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Was it enough for Anthony Caine to ask you out? Was it enough for him to begin again with you now he is divorced?
Elizabeth Patterson: I…I…I don’t know.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: It is the accused who attacks you and not Anthony Caine. Why is it that you would provoke the accused to attack you and not Anthony Caine?
Elizabeth Patterson: I didn’t provoke Howard to attack me, and Anthony Caine would never attack me.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Yes, Anthony Caine is too easygoing to attack anyone, isn’t he?
Elizabeth Patterson: I thought that until he defended me against Howard. Then I knew he could fight.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: So, until the accused attacked you, you would never know that Anthony Caine would fight for you. Would you say, you owe the accused a debt of gratitude for attacking you?
Elizabeth Patterson: You’re confusing me. I don’t provoke men to attack me. I am not promiscuous.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: That’s the whole problem. There’s a difference between being promiscuous and giving a man a little friendly affection to let him know you are interested. Otherwise, you will never get married. Why did it take being attacked by the accused, for you to recognize Anthony Caine's ability to attack?
Elizabeth Patterson: {To Judge Patterlover} Do I have to answer this question?
Judge Patterlover: We’ve all been wondering the same thing.
Elly Patterson: Answer the question. I need more grandchildren. Tell her John.
John Patterson: I need more trains…I mean grandchildren.
Elizabeth Patterson: Mom. Dad. Judge Patterlover. Members of the public attending this trial. You’re right. I haven’t been encouraging Anthony enough. When I get out of here, I am going to give Anthony a really big hug. So big, he will know I like him.
{The crowd starts stamping its feet and cheering.}
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: {Yelling} And remember, it’s all thanks to the accused this even happened!

That’s how it went. Next up was Anthony Caine’s testimony, which I will tell you about later.

Howard Bunt

Thanx 4 posting, Howard. If yr lawyer appeals, I'd def have him ask 4 a new trial outside of Milborough.

Apes

Rats an' stuff

Liz tells me that as Anthony was going in 2 testify, Mom came out in2 the corridor. Liz was all, "Mom--U're not going 2 stay and watch the trial?" And Mom was, like, "Yr Dad is there. I thot U mite like sum company." They went 2 the caf, got a couple of coffees, an' sat @ a lil round tabe. And Liz was, like, "They asked if I had ever acted seductively towards Howard. He told them I had provoked the attack. He sed I was promiscuous!" And Mom told her, "Just imagine him as a rat in a trap, honey, trying 2 free himself." Liz was, like, "I can't. ...I'd feel sorry 4 a rat." Mom kinda smirked. Liz sez she was kinda distracted cuz there were silhouette ppl all around, which she's used 2, but the weird thing was that there weren't only the solid-black silhouetters. There were also medium-grey ones, with darker heads, and sum that were lite grey, nearly white. Weird, eh?

And in case U R disappointed w/how little this bit advances our current story, U R in luck. Last nite, Howard posted sum more abt Liz's testimony:

April,

I thought I would let you know a little bit more about how things went with your sister’s testimony at my trial. You may remember that she had gone on and on about the virtues of Anthony Caine. Well, after that was done, Judge Patterlover gushed over her and said, “That was the best testimony, I have ever heard. 3 cheers for Elizabeth Patterson! Hip! Hip!” And the people in the courtroom said, “Hooray!” And this happened 2 more times.

Then Judge Patterlover said, “I have this lovely red sash to give you and this coat of arms. Some people think they should be used in a courtroom, but I think you should have them. I never use them.” Then he picked up your sister and started parading her about the courtroom on his shoulder and the bailiff’s shoulder, as the people cheered. After your sister returned back to the witness stand, your sister was getting ready to leave when my lawyer, Mr. Benis, said, “Your honour, I have not yet cross-examined this witness.”

Well, then you could have heard a pin drop in the courtroom. Your sister started to put her purse back down, and the crowd in the courtroom started grumbling things like: “I’m going to cut you off and throw you in the bushes, Benis.” Or “Castration would be too good for you, Benis.” Or “After I am done with you, Benis, you will never come in court again.” Mr. Benis started with his first question, but your sister couldn’t understand him. Mr. Benis said, “Your honour, I cannot continue with this noise.” Judge Patterlover said, “The people are just expressing their discontent.” Mr. Benis said, “Your honour. I mean the noise you are making.” Judge Patterlover said, “Oh all right. People in the courtroom must quiet down for this defence counsel, who will never again try a case in my courtroom.” Mr. Benis said, “Thank you, your honour.”

Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Miss Patterson, I couldn’t help but noticing how heroic Anthony Caine was to defend you against the accused. Did you know he could fight before he threw the accused to the ground and started tweaking his ear?
Elizabeth Patterson: No, I didn’t. He is so easygoing; I never thought he would fight for anything.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: So, if the accused had not attacked you, you would still be ignorant of this quality of Anthony Caine? You would still think he was a spineless milksop with poor grooming habits?
Elizabeth Patterson: It might have come out at some other time, I guess, but no, I don’t think I would know that.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: In a certain way, you could say the accused was like a hero, because he helped you notice something important you didn’t know about Anthony Caine. Is that true?
Elizabeth Patterson: No, Howard is a rat, only I like rats more than Howard. Howard is like an unlikable rat.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Since you think the accused is like a rat, you would never act seductively towards the accused?
Elizabeth Patterson: Eww. No!
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Have you ever acted seductively towards Anthony Caine?
Elizabeth Patterson: Certainly not. I am a proper Patterson.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: How would Anthony Caine know then, you felt differently about him than the accused? You treat him the same as the accused.
Elizabeth Patterson: I told Anthony he is one of my favourite people in the whole world. Isn’t that enough?
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Was it enough for Anthony Caine to ask you out? Was it enough for him to begin again with you now he is divorced?
Elizabeth Patterson: I…I…I don’t know.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: It is the accused who attacks you and not Anthony Caine. Why is it that you would provoke the accused to attack you and not Anthony Caine?
Elizabeth Patterson: I didn’t provoke Howard to attack me, and Anthony Caine would never attack me.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Yes, Anthony Caine is too easygoing to attack anyone, isn’t he?
Elizabeth Patterson: I thought that until he defended me against Howard. Then I knew he could fight.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: So, until the accused attacked you, you would never know that Anthony Caine would fight for you. Would you say, you owe the accused a debt of gratitude for attacking you?
Elizabeth Patterson: You’re confusing me. I don’t provoke men to attack me. I am not promiscuous.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: That’s the whole problem. There’s a difference between being promiscuous and giving a man a little friendly affection to let him know you are interested. Otherwise, you will never get married. Why did it take being attacked by the accused, for you to recognize Anthony Caine's ability to attack?
Elizabeth Patterson: {To Judge Patterlover} Do I have to answer this question?
Judge Patterlover: We’ve all been wondering the same thing.
Elly Patterson: Answer the question. I need more grandchildren. Tell her John.
John Patterson: I need more trains…I mean grandchildren.
Elizabeth Patterson: Mom. Dad. Judge Patterlover. Members of the public attending this trial. You’re right. I haven’t been encouraging Anthony enough. When I get out of here, I am going to give Anthony a really big hug. So big, he will know I like him.
{The crowd starts stamping its feet and cheering.}
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: {Yelling} And remember, it’s all thanks to the accused this even happened!

That’s how it went. Next up was Anthony Caine’s testimony, which I will tell you about later.

Howard Bunt

Thanx 4 posting, Howard. If yr lawyer appeals, I'd def have him ask 4 a new trial outside of Milborough.

Apes

Understanding or Not

After Liz had completed her pictorial thot-bubble testimony, she went out in2 the hall, and Anthony was all, "How did it go?" And Liz was, like, "OK... It wasn't as hard as I thot it wd B." Then a lady fr. the court came over, put an arm on each of them, and sed, "Anthony? Elizabeth? I must remind U not 2 discuss NE aspect of trial with ea other or NE other witnesses until it's completely over." Liz was all, "I understand." And Anthony echoed, "Yes. I understand completely." Then, the bailiff in the courtroom opened the door and sed, "Mr. Caine? U're next, pls." Then Anthony and Liz embraced and witnesses report that Anthony got a thot bubble over his head that sed, "And... some things I don't understand at all." It's unclear whether he was thinking abt the case or sumthing else.

Liz, I'd say that "bizarre" is an ENGLISH word with French ORIGIN, but U totally flipped out the last time I tried 2 xxplain etymology, so I guess I give up. Gah, what did U do in school when every1 else was bizzy LEARNING? And also, I wasn't just talking abt yr testimony when I sed the trial is bizarre. The whole thing is weird--not like a normal trial!

Apes

Next bit of Liz-testimony

Here is Howard's l8est message abt Liz's court testimony:

April,

I think I have recovered enough from the fact your sister hates me, to tell you what happened next during her testimony during my trial. As you may remember, the judge was questioning your sister and was allowing her to testify via pictorial thought balloons.

The first picture was from the perspective of a fly on the ceiling. It looked like your sister was crumpled to the ground and I was trying to pick her up off the ground. I don’t know. It was from a pretty long distance. Your sister said to accompany this picture, “At first I thought he was joking…but he wasn’t.” This will be a confusing reference unless I remind you what I said just prior to that point. Your sister had said, “I’m pretty trustworthy.” And I responded with the pun, “Oh, you’re pretty, alright.” So, I guess your sister must have been thinking that my compliment to her appearance was a joke, and then she realized it wasn’t. I have to admit, I do find your sister attractive, thanks to her Patterson allure.

The next picture was pretty awful. I had my hands on your sister’s shoulders and she hit my forehead and put her hand in my face. You sister said to accompany this picture, “I fought with him. I begged him to let me go.” I whispered to my lawyer, Mr. Bunt, “Elizabeth didn’t really beg me. She told me. Pattersons don’t beg.” Mr. Bunt said, “With this thought balloon, I don’t think such subtle distinctions will make much of a difference.”

The next picture was even worse. Your sister had turned around and I had a hand on her shoulder and on her stomach, and she saying “Help!” It was a speech balloon in a pictorial thought balloon. I don’t know if I had seen one of those before. You sister said to accompany this picture, “I screamed for help. I thought no one could hear me. All the other employees were outside.” Mr. Benis said to me, “She just gave you proof your intent was not rape.” I said, “What do you mean?” Mr. Benis said, “There were other employees there who could have walked in on you. Whether you did or did not know about the arrival of Anthony Caine, you could not have been unaware that the other employees were there. What were you saying here?” I said, “Well, the dialogue I had been given to say was, ‘Whoa…she’s feisty! I like things a little rough!’, to show that I was being playful.” Mr. Benis said, “Good. We can use that.”

The next picture showed Anthony Caine on top of me tweaking my ear. I almost burst out laughing. I forgot how stupid it looks. Your sister said to accompany this picture, “But one of my friends was there. He pulled Howard away from me and pushed him to the ground.” I said to Mr. Benis, “You notice she left out the ear-tweaking.” Mr. Benis said, “Howard. You told me this looked ridiculous and it does. Did you really say, ‘Oww!’ with 2 “w”s? I said, “Yes.” That was a little embarrassing. I was pretty fat then, but if they see me now, as much as I have bulked up, they are going to want to see how Anthony Caine compares and when they do, they are really going to wonder.

The next picture was of Anthony blindly trying to find his glasses he got mangled when he dropped them on the floor. Your sister seemed to be helping him. Your sister said to accompany this picture, “I’ve known Anthony since grade school. He’s so easygoing…I never knew he could fight!” Mr. Benis said to Judge Patterlover, “How is the witness’ testimony about her childhood friend relevant? How is what she said relevant to this thought balloon picture?” Judge Patterlover said, “I’m asking the questions here, not some defence counsel lawyer. Continue on Miss Patterson.”

Then she pulled out baby pictures of Anthony to show to the court and some school projects they had worked on together when they were in school together. There was a nice picture of your sister and Anthony going to a school dance. They were passed around the courtroom, and people cooed over the pictures. When they made it back to the Judge Patterlover, he said, “Anthony looked a lot better without the moustache.” There were a few cries in the public benches which agreed with the Judge. I said to my lawyer, Mr. Benis, how long is this going to take?” Mr. Benis said, “From the looks of those scrapbooks, it could be a lot time.” And it was. I will tell you more tomorrow.

Howard Bunt

Thanx 4 posting that, Howard. What a bizarre trial this is turning out 2 B. Y, Y, Y is this turning in2 the Anthony show?

Apes

Liz testifying in thot bubbles

Howard was nice enuf 2 post sumthing abt what happened most recently in the trial:

April,

The trial started back today and believe it or not, your sister finally testified. My lawyer, Mr. Benis had me wear an ugly, ugly, ugly gray suit, but I least I got to pick out a brightly-coloured peach tie, which clashed a little with my hair colour, but I had to make a fashion statement somehow. Well, my underwear was nicely coloured too, but we won’t go into that.

Then some odd things happened. I said, “Where’s the court clerk and court reporter that usually sit in front of the judge?” Mr. Benis said, “The judge decided he didn’t want today’s testimony to be recorded, because Elizabeth Patterson might say something to embarrass herself.” I said, “Well, you can almost count on that.” Mr. Benis said, “I know, Mr. Bunt. I know.”

Then I didn’t have to sit in the prisoners box, like I had been before. This was because Judge Patterlover, for some reason took completely over from the Crown attorney and asked your sister to identify me in court and I had to sit beside my lawyer Mr. Benis. I said to my lawyer, Mr. Benis, “Isn’t having me sit here beside you illegal?” Mr Benis told me that since I was not a criminal in custody, I could sit beside him if I wanted. I said, “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” My lawyer said, “People don’t like to see a Bunt and Benis together in public.”

Judge Patterlover said, “Miss Patterson, is the man accused of assaulting you in this courtroom?” My thought was, “Well, duh! Does he expect her not to identify me when I am sitting right beside the Defence Counsel?” But your sister stood up and dutifully said, “Yes, your honor.” I said to Mr. Benis, “It’s ‘Yes, your lord.’ She messed up. Do I get points?” Mr. Benis said, “No Howard.” Then Judge Patterlover said, “Please identify him.” Then your sister leaned over and nodded in my direction. I said to my lawyer, “Does leaning and nodding count?” Mr. Benis said, “Well, duh! You’re sitting right beside the Defence Counsel.”

Then I noticed Judge Patterlover was wearing sunglasses. I said to Mr. Benis, “Why is he wearing the shades?” Mr. Benis said to me, “Because he is trying to look cool in front of Elizabeth Patterson.” I could kind of understand that. Elizabeth was rocking the big lips and looked a lot more like your sister-in-law Deanna in a wig, than your sister. Judge Patterlover said, “In your own words, tell the court exactly what occurred between you and the accused on August 11th, 2005.” I said to Mr. Benis, “Why isn’t the Crown Attorney doing this?” Mr. Benis said, “Judge Patterlover wants to be the only person to talk directly to Elizabeth Patterson. She’s so important; he doesn’t want the Crown Attorney to mess it up.” I said, “What? That’s not fair. This is ridiculous.” Mr. Benis said, “Howard, you knew you weren’t going to get fair and impartial in this trial, so I don’t know why you are complaining.”

Then your sister just sat there and said nothing. I said, “Why is she just sitting there?” Mr. Benis said, “It’s a witness-aid. Sometimes in the case of sexual assault offences, an underage witness is protected by having their testimony done over closed circuit television. In the case of Elizabeth Patterson, the court is allowing her underage brain to testify via pictorial thought balloons.” I said, “You’ve got to be kidding.” Mr. Benis said, “Wait and see.” Sure enough, a thought balloon popped up and there was me leaning in toward Elizabeth last August, and making her drop the cash register tape. I thought to myself, “Look how out of shape I was back then. It’s no wonder Elizabeth rejected me. I am so glad I worked out over the last year.”

Then your sister had a thought balloon pop up which said, “I want to be accurate. I want to be fair. I don’t want to sound as though I hate you, Howard…but…I do.” Mr. Benis said, “Well, she just admitted she has or is going to commit perjury. Plus she thinks with ellipses. She is a class A loon. I just wish the court reporter was here to record that thought balloon as evidence.” I think I would have thought the same thing too, but I was too bothered by the fact your sister hates me.

In fact, I am so traumatized by that fact, I can’t go on. I will have to finish writing this to you at some later time.

Howard Bunt

That trial does sound v. irregular, Howard. Not @ all what we learn in civics class @ school!

Apes

Home more when she was working

Well, U know how Mom made a big stink abt all the stuff she was going 2 do once she retired, and then how once she did get retired, she spent her time cleaning the basement, arranging plastic organizer bins, an' so on? She recently decided 2 start doing sum of the stuff she sed she wd. So, Mom's been driving around, going 2 parent-teacher meetings (where she can look at charts that say "the team triangle" w/"students," "teachers," and "family" at the pts of the tri), mtgs for "FUN-DING" the Junior Theatre, dropping off boox @ the Don8-a-Book Literacy Campaign, and using a treadmill @ the gym (prolly 4 abt 30 secs, LOL). Recently, I sed, "2 bad U retired, Mom... U were home more when U were working!" That was a joke, of course. Not the part abt her being home more when she was working, just the "2 bad" part. I don't think Mom realized that, tho. She totally does not get teenage humour.

Apes

My 'rents R hopeless

So, when Mom realized that Shiimsa was up on top of a kitchen cabinet, Mom freaked out, and Dad was all, "Relax. I'll get her down." I was abt 2 say that if they just w8ed, Shiimsa wd come down on her own, since that's just sumthing cats do. But I knew they wdn't listen, and even worse they'd get mad @ me. So I didn't say NEthing. Dad put an oven mitt on each hand and stood on a chair that he'd pulled up 2 the counter rite by the cabinet where Shiimsa was. Then he reached up w/his mitted hands, and Shiimsa sproinged on2 his head, climbed down his back, schooched down his rite leg, and sprang outta the kitchen as Dad plunked his butt on2 the counter and Mom kinda gaped like a Muppet. Then Dad got down and sed, "All it takes is superior intellect." Mom didn't say NEthing, but I was totally thinking Shiimsa was the one w/the superior intellect, IYKWIM.

Vivienne, I wd h8 2 B mean 2 Ger, and besides, I kinda think that wdn't work. Cuz there were times, back when they were d8ing, that Liz was pretty mean 2 Anthony, and U know how that turned out.

Apes

Shiimsa makes a break 4 it

Liz was sitting @ her desk when I went in2 her room and saw that Shiimsa was in the cat carrier, which was on the bed. I was all, "Y is Shiimsa in her cage?" And Liz was, like, "B-cuz...She steps on my keybd while I'm working." Gah, Liz will never B a real cat person, will she? I felt bad 4 the poor lil meow-meow, so I took her outta the carrier and asked, "Can I take her downstairz?" Liz sed, "OK, but keep her off the kitchen counter, or Mom will throw a fit!"

So I went downstairs with Shiimsa, and as soon as we got 2 the kitchen, she leapt outta my arms, and sumhow bounced like a bunny, across the room 2 the counter in 2 giant bounces after landing on the floor. I felt as tho I had three exclamation pts over my hed when that happed. Then, Shiims climbed the curtain of the window that's over the sink, and I felt FIVE exclamation pts over my hed. From the curtain, she got up on2 the top of a cabinet, and she was up there watching when Mom arrived. Since I was behind Mom, it was kinda hard 2 read her thot bubble (it was like, reversed). But I think I saw her thinking, "Strange...Ever since I came in2 the kitchen, I've had the feeling that I'm being 'watched'."

In other news, my hair curse is back, only it's been throwing my hair in2 the hi ponytail insteada the prop bun. I'm bummed, I was enjoying the long flowy hair. :(

Apes

Edit: Yuck, have U noticed that Mom's totally gotten Steph, the web designer who helps her, 2 pimp the fake blog? Y do they want random ppl 2 send in random fotos?!?!?! I still don't get it!

Face 2 Face

Liz told me abt writing 2 Paul recently. She sez she wrote this: "Dear Paul, I'm getting lessons ready 4 the supply teacher again. This trial is taking forever, and I'm afraid to ask for anymore time off. I spend most evenings in my room. It's not that I don't love my family, I just miss having my own space. I hope U don't mind my long letters. I miss you--when I write, I feel as though I'm talking to you...Face to face." And then Shiimsa, who had jumped up on2 her desk, stuck her face in Liz's face. And Liz is pretty sure she looked v. unamused.

Okay, "supply teacher". If U R in the states U mite B having a WTF moment abt this. Here is Wikipedia 2 the rescue, eh? Tho U prolly guessed she meant "substitute teacher", as U call it.

Now, back 2 Liz. Wha? Y R U acting as if U R living w/us against yr will. U chose this! U can move out NEtime U want, remember?

Oh, and answers 2 Liz's questions from last nite:

April,

Haven't you ever heard of "harboring miscon-something or others," I couldn't remember the expression, didn't I get it right, I was just guessing, but I can't think of anything that gets harbored besides boats, so I'm sure I'm right, and by the way, I still don't understand what Mom is talking about when she says, "Pussy can also mean a very, very bad place," what does she mean, like Quebec?

Liz

K, Liz, 4 yr first question, that wd B "harbouring misconceptions" or, if U insist on spelling like U live in the USA, "harboring misconceptions". I can C U R getting tripped up over the verb to harbour. Well, one of the definitions is "to keep or hold in the mind; maintain; entertain: to harbour suspicion. "

And yr second question, geez, I dunno Y Mom went 2 the trub of lecturing U if she wdn't really tell U. It's a slang word 4 yr "lady parts", as Mom calls them. U know, yr genitals.

Apes

Pet Talk So Liz Can Pun

Liz took a break from telling me stuff abt the trial and abt Anthony 2 tell me a "pets" story. She was really proud of herself cuz she made a pun. 2 Dad. 99.5% of the time, Dad will B the punmaker in a convo.

NEway, Liz told me that Dad was feeding Shiimsa up on the kitchen counter. Liz was all, "Dad! Mom doesn't want the cat on the kitchen counter!" Dad sed, "If I put her food on the floor, the dogz will eat it." Then Liz was, like, "Just Eddy will." She picked up Shiimsa and sed, "So, feed him first, then put him downstairz. Dixie won't touch the cat's food." Dad was all, "I wonder Y." Then, taking a gigantic Patterson pause between a question being asked and answered, Dad fed Eddy, put him downstairz, and put the catfood on the floor by Dixie's dish. Then Liz put down Shiimsa. And Shiimsa puffed up and let out a big HISSSS @ Dixie. Dixie's ratface looked bugeyed 4 a moment there, and then she and Shiimsa settled in2 eating. Then Liz answered Dad's question with the pun she's so proud of: "Hiss and hers!" She got v. offended when I didn't laff w/my tung sticking out. And she got even more bent outta shape when I pted out that none of the pets eat all their food in one sitting, and that as soon as Dad let Eddy back up from the basement, he made a bee line 4 Shiimsa's dish and finished her catfood. She'd only eaten about a quarter of what was there. Dad heard me and sed, "Yes! I was rite! I luv it when that happens!" Liz sed, "Shut up, shut up, shut up! I made a pun and no1 appreciates me!" And she stomped away.

Apes

Spuds Duty

So, the Liz-day we've been discussing here, for more than a week? I can tell U abt the part where Liz got home after lunching with Anthony and Françoise.

Mom was peeling potatoes, and Liz went up 2 her and sed, "I dropped in 2 C Grandpa on the way 2 the courthouse 2day, Mom. He's so frustr8ed." And Mom was all, "Well... That meanz he's feeling better." Then Mom asked, "--And the trial?" Liz closed her eyez and was all, "Our part was put off again, so Anthony and I took his daughter out 4 lunch." Then, Liz wailed, "This thing is taking so darned long! I want it 2 B over with!!!" Mom sed, "U can't rush the justice system, Liz--NEmore than my dad can rush his recovery." Liz bugged out her eyez and was like, "I HATE it when I have no control over sumthing!--I'm a 'GET IT DONE' kind of person." Mom told her, "Good. U can peel the spuds." Liz didn't like that v. much.

Apes

It's Anthony "Daddy, Daddy" Caine

Liz wrote a comment last nite telling abt sum more of that court day we've been discussing here:

April,

More about that day at the courthouse, well when lunchtime came Anthony said, "Let's walk out together," but then when we got to his car he stopped and my car was all the way in the back of the lot because I was late because of going to see Grandpa and that annoying Agnes lady, anyhow, when we got to Anthony's car he asked if I wanted him to drive me to my car or go out to lunch together and of course I said "go to lunch together" because sitting in my car alone for a whole hour sounded really boring, so I climbed into his yellow minivan with him, and then he said we had to bring his daughter Francie to lunch with us which I thought didn't sound like such a good idea because those nasty courthouse types told us we only had one hour and also I was hoping Anthony was going to take me to a really nice restaurant, since he asked me I knew that meant he would pay and so I was hoping for something good, anyhow, now I knew I would probably only get French fries, especially since his daughter is Frenchy, well since Anthony always calls his day care "the sitter" I assumed it was some nice old lady at her home or something but no, Francie gets taken care of in this big, modern day care center that looks like a cross between an office building with big plate glass windows and a minimum security prison, and when I say "minimum security" I mean it, because there is a big gaping hole like a garage door in the building that isn't closed and we didn't even have to go inside, Francie just came running out of that garage and into Anthony's arms, I guess the sitter runs her business out of a garage stall in an office building, which seemed weird to me but what do I know, I don't have kids, well then Francie ran out screaming, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" almost like she was dying to be rescued from that place and Anthony swooped her up into the air and then I was thinking two things:

1. Francie looks very tall and advanced for a 1 1/2 year old girl, and

2. Anthony is a dad, can you believe it, I know I can't, it's so amazing, I mean I have known about him being a dad for like two years, but really it is so amazing, it's like I can never quite believe it, you know? Totally amazing. I don't believe it.

Liz

Child development in Milborough is v. weird, isn't it, Liz? Like Robin and Merrie, their size and behaviour never matches where they're supposta B according 2 the non-Milborough milestones. Weird. I'm not sure Y U find it so amazing that Anthony's a dad. I mean, Mike's a dad, 2, rite. So I guess NE guy can B.

Apes

Remembrance Day

So yesterday was Remembrance Day, an' like I sed in the comments, Mom an' I went 2 a special ceremony, and so did Gramps and Iris. Oh, I almost 4got, Liz was there w/Mom and me. Iris told us that when she asked Gramps if he was sure he felt up 2 it, Gramps sed, "Y-yes." Can U believe he's come so far w/his speech? Just a coupla days ago, he cd barely say "ta". NEway, Iris dressed Gramps in his miltary regalia w/his medals and a plaid blanket wrapped around him. At the ceremony, the announcer guy was all, "And...we dedicate this wreath not only to our veteran soldiers who fought in the past, but to those who are 2day risking their lives for the sake of freedom. Let us pray for our young men and women in uniform. Let us ask for their safe return--and, for those who fall...and have fallen, let their efforts not B in vain. Let us pray for the families whose sons and daughters are overseas..." That's when I sed, "Mom? When will it end?" Mom was all, "In about another half-hour." Then I told her, "I'm not talking about this ceremony. I'm talking about the war." Mom raised her eyebrowz and looked goggly eyed for a minute. Then she got this glazed look on her face and sed, "Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia. Oceania will always be at war with Eurasia." And I sed, "Mom? We're not characters in George Orwell's novel 1984." And she sed, "We're not? Oh, of course we're not. I knew that. Let's talk about something else. You look very nice with that poppy on your jacket. Do I look nice with my poppy? Does Liz? Doesn't your gramps look distinguished with his poppy and his medals?" And I was, like, "Um, yeah, OK. Mom, why did U make me wear my hair in a ponytail when I've been rocking the long, flowy hair l8ly?" And Mom sed, "Because it's Remembrance Day!"

Well, that's what happed yesterday.

Apes

Not Understanding the Legal System

Hey Jeremy/Zeremy, sorry it took Ger an' me so long 2 get 2 the party last nite. We were, um, really really in2 our studying. But what was left of Zapata's goth party was cube!

So Liz told me a bit more of the story abt her l8est day @ the courthouse. She was still kinda mad @ me 4 missing her post fr. the nite B4 when I made yesterday'z blog entry, or else she mita posted sum more last nite. Yo, Liz, I sed I was sorry! NEway, here's what she told me.

Liz an' Anthony were leaving the courthouse, an' Liz was all, "I don't understand the legal system ." When she told me that part, I sed that I had a weird feeling that sum force that was controlling how this case was going also didn't understand the legal system, and she told me I musn't say thingz like that abt the "Good Witch of the North", which is what she calls a certain sumbody up in Corbeil whom we don't name around here! So, the next thing she sed 2 Anthony was "They want us all in the bldg, but not in the courtroom..." No, duh! Then she sed, "They keep us w8ing for hrs, and then they send us home." Anthony was all, "Yes, a trial sure isn't the way it is on television!" And then Liz actually sed, "MayB it was in the old dayz!" Wha? Which "old dayz" wd that B? She went on, "U know...Every1 piles in2 the courtroom, the witnesses have their say, the lawyers st8 their case, the jury gives a verdict and--it's over!" Huh-wha? Anthony told her, "But a fast trial probably wasn't fair 2 the accused!" And Liz blurted out, "And all this w8ing isn't fair 2 US!" While Anthony did that thing where he watches Liz outta the cornerz of his eyez.

Well, y'know how it goez. 2morrow I'll prolly write abt sumthing completely diff. But mayB more trial stuff Monday. I hope it won't B Mike an' the "novel", but that's poss, 2.

Apes

Anthony tries 2 communicate with blinky eyes

So, after Liz stopped in 2 visit Gramps, she went 2 the courthouse. She told me that she and Anthony were sitting in the waiting area and Anthony was all, "I wonder how long we'll have 2 sit here 2day?" Liz was, like, "I don't know, but there seems 2 B a problem w/one of the witnesses. She'z rel8ed 2 Howard and is refusing 2 testify. At least that's what I heard." Liz sez that sum weird silhouette guy with a briefcase kept walking by them, going outside, looping the building, and passing by them again. She sez that was v. distracting. NEway, then Anthony was all, "Elizabeth? How's yr grandfather?" Liz was like, "Getting better. Slowly. He still can't speak 2 well. It's hard 4 him, Anthony. He communicates thru his eyez." Then Liz glanced over @ Anthony an' noticed he was giving her this hopeful, blinky look. I sed, "Eeeewwwww, he's making the Gramps thing all abt him by trying 2 communic8 w/ HIS eyez. And what he's trying 2 communic8 is 'I want U, Elizabeth! I want U back in my life! I want U 2 B the stepmother 2 my poor, motherless what's-her-face!' Well, Liz, I hope U chose this time 2 make sum smalltalk abt what a gr8 BF PAUL is. PAUL! Have U EVER mentioned HIM 2 Anthony?" Liz got all pissed and sed, "Don't try 2 tell me what 2 do, April! I'm ten yrs older than U and I'm a schoolteacher, so U hafta treat me w/respect. Just 4 that, I won't tell U the next thing I was abt 2 tell U until l8 2nite or early 2morrow!" Then she stomped away.

Apes

Edit: So, like I sed in 2day's comment, I totally missed that Liz posted last nite abt the same stuff I told U in this entry! U C, what happed was I thot I remembered that the last time I checked last nite B4 bed, there were 9 comments, so when I saw 9 comments this morning, I didn't even look. But I musta remembered wrong! NEway, this is what Liz posted l8 last nite:

April,

I just now realized you probably wanted to hear some trial stuff, well here's some, I won't tell you the whole story because where would be the fun in that, none at all, anyhow, of course just like any other day Anthony and I were sitting next to each other in the courthouse hallway and Anthony wondered how long we would have to wait that day and he tried to pass it off like he didn't want to be there but you could totally tell he did, well I said I didn't know but told him about this thing I heard about one of the witnesses being related to Howard and not wanting to testify against him, I wonder who that could be, anyhow, then Anthony said, "Elizabeth?" which always makes me want to laugh really hard because you can totally tell he calls me "Elizabeth" and not "Liz" because he is trying to get in good with me and let me see he thinks of me as a woman, or whatever, it's hilarious, anyhow, he asked me how my "grandfather" is doing, he's so formal, it just cracks me up, I closed my eyes because I knew if I looked at him I would bust out giggling and not be able to stop, also it helped me think back to how Grandpa is because I don't hardly pay attention to that boring stuff, anyway I remembered something about him not being too much better and I knew he couldn't talk because of his mental telephony to me about Agnes being a huge blabbermouth, anyhow, I said, "He communicates through his eyes," because I'm pretty sure that's where the telephony rays shoot out of, and at that moment I grew some lips of loveliness and Anthony was looking at me like he always does when he is totally worshipping me from afar, or I guess you have to call it from anear when he is in the seat next to me, anyhow, I wish he would just speak up already, all these eye gazes are getting annoying, Anthony doesn't really have that telephony thingy anyhow, but he's really really obvious, that makes me want to smack him, and also laugh, but mostly hit him until he stops trying to do telephony and starts actually talking about what he's thinking, I think I would really like whatever he has to say, really really like it, it's just a gut feeling.

Liz

Sorry I missed that, Liz. From now on, I'll check the comments even if I think I remember how many I had!

Liz feels for Gramps

Here'z the l8est thing that Liz has posted abt her recent visit w/Gramps an' Iris:

April,

Well after our argument about what Grandpa was trying to say, Agnes decided to stop me from contradicting her anymore by never giving me a chance to talk, it was so annoying, she even made me take off my coat and have coffee with her while she blabbed and blabbed and the stupidest part was that the blabbing was all about what was happening with me with my trial and school and Paul and whatever but she never let me say one word, and all I could think was, "Poor Grandpa," because now she is used to doing all the talking she will never let anyone else talk ever again, and probably Grandpa is going to stay retarded or dumb or whatever it is they call people who can't talk these days, all because she won't let him practice, it's terrible, and I could see it in Grandpa's eyes that he feels the same way, I told you I know all about childish minds, well fortunately then I put on my coat to leave because I felt like I had done enough time on that visit and now I visited one time in the hospital and one time at home so I should be done for good, now I should only be forced to see them again at my wedding and then when Grandpa kicks off, I will see him at the funeral, which will be a terrible day, because Agnes will still be alive and she will probably want to blab on and on the whole stinking day.

Liz

Liz also told me that she felt like she had this moment of, like, mental telepathy w/Gramps, only Liz didn't say "telepathy", she sed, "talking 2 each other in our heads." I'll let Liz tell abt that if she feelz like it, she mite B feelin' kinda shy abt that.

Liz, BTW, I didn't get 2 answer U last nite cuz Blogger was acting up when I tried. It's British, w/1 "T", not Brittish. U shd prolly know that so U can correct yr students' papers if it comes up.

Apes

More on Liz visiting Gramps

Hey, so Liz posted a comment last nite telling sum more abt her visit 2 Gramps the other day:

April,

Now I can tell you the rest about my boring visit with Grandpa, anyhow, that Agnes lady sure does blab on a lot, I wonder if she was always like this before Grandpa had his stroke or if she is "talking for two" now or what, it makes me almost wish I had spent some time with them before this happened but then I remembered I could just ask you April since you spend lots of time with them, anyway, Iris blabbed about some stuff about doctors and exercises and eating and whatever, I just remember it was funny because Agnes was talking to Grandpa the same way I talk to my fourth graders when they are being very very childish, but Grandpa didn't look like a childish fourth grader, his face was all squished up and wrinkly like a prune, and I thought he might be going in his pants or something, he looked very unhappy, anyway I was just about to say, "Iris, I think he is going Number Two," when Grandpa told her himself by shouting, "Ta!" which I guess is how you say "two" when you are brain dead but of course that silly Agnes woman who is just full of herself thought he was saying "thank you," and she kissed him and said, "You're welcome," I didn't have the heart to tell her she was wrong, after all Mom said to be nice to her, she is cheaper than a nurse, and also, talking about your grandpa going Number Two to some lady named Iris you hardly know at all except she came to your college graduation and you might of shook her hand there is awkward, you know what I mean?

Maybe more later, Liz

Ew, I hope U were wrong abt the #2, Liz! It's weird that Iris thinx "Ta" meant he was thanking her. He had a stroke, he didn't turn British!

Apes

Liz stops in @ Gramps's place on the way 2 court

Liz sez she stopped in @ Gramps an' Iris's apt on her way 2 work. L8r, she told me, "It's weird, April, but it felt like my whole visit was just 2 advance a story. What's that fancy word U learned 4 that?" Me: "Exposition?" Liz: "Rite, that."

So NEway, when she showed up, Iris was all, "Elizabeth! How nice of U 2 drop in! U just missed yr Uncle Phil. He's on his way back 2 Montreal." Liz was all, "Hello, Iris!" Then, "I was on my way 2 the courthouse so...." She trailed off w/out finishing her sentence. Iris went, "He's much better, dear. Much better. He's had lots of tests and his doctor is so pleased. They say the damage isn't as bad as they thot it was. We believe he can quite think quite clearly, but he's having 2 learn how 2 speak again. His therapist sez he's doing well, but until he can form the words properly, I'm doing all the talking 4 him. ...And he finds that a little frustr8ing." Liz sez she saw a thot bubble over Gramps's head w/a storm cloud an' lightning just then.

Well, gotta run, in a big hurry this morning!

Edit: As a favour 2 Becky, I'm gonna hold off on having my lawyer go after Liz abt the "Tapril Tatterson" libel. Tho Dunc is def gonna go after her 4 saying "Tuncan" listens 2 Harry Belafonte. He sez that's totally un4giveable!

Apes

Uncle Phil made Gramps cry

So, after having served as our ringer secret weapon @ Gym Jam, Uncle Phil had 2 go home 2 Montreal. B4 leaving, he wanted 2 say goodbye 2 Gramps, so he went 2 the apt 2 C him. Unk Phil sez that he leaned over the bed, held Grandpa's hand, and sed, "Dad, I'm leaving 2day. But I'll stay in touch. I'll write and I'll call. I wish I cd stay longer but..." Then he gave Gramps a hug an' sed, "I luv U, Pop." When he came up from he hug, U. Phil had a shock when he saw that Gramps was crying. And he had a distinct feeling that Gramps was thinking, "Tears. Good. @ least THAT still works!"

Man, I'm depressed again. :(

Apes

LOL

So here's this thing that happed last nite, when it was raining. Edgar and Dixie were whining 2 B let out, so Mom let them out. But they were taking a long time sniffing snoofa-ing, snuffing, and snerfing insteada getting thru w/their bizness. Mom got impatient an' yelled "Wd U hurry UP?!!" But they didn't care, they just kept w/the snooffa snifff snuff snerf sniff snuff stuff. Mom yelled, "Oh, 4 heaven's sake!! Y does it take U so darned long 2 complete A SIMPLE ACT OF NATURE?!!" Meanwhile, during all this, Dad had been using the bathroom, and he actually thot Mom was yelling @ him. He came outta the bathroom all, "Sorry!... I was reading!" And Mom totally gave him a WTF look. Heh.

When Mom and Dad managed 2 sort out what had just happed, Mom cdn't stop laffing, and Dad was pretty embarrassed. He tried 2 change the subj by telling me sumthing from when I was three. Dad had just come home from working @ the dental clinic, and he was all, "Hi, there! I'm home!" And I was all, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" And I ran up 2 him, and he swooped me up in his arms, swinging me around and around a few times B4 putting me down. When he did put me down, I was a bit dizzy. I staggered a bit, and I told Mom, "Dad just gived me a rollercoaster hug." After Dad told that story, he sed, "Elly! April! Isn't that funny?" Mom sed, "Sure, John, but not as funny as you thinking I was yelling @ U 2 use the bathroom faster." And I sed, "Yeah, sorry Dad, but that's true."

Apes

Lucky

Well, after Eva an' I xxchanged our nasty lil whispers that I told U all abt yesterday, I realized I was being a beeyotch and that wasn't what I wanted 2 B. I whispered 2 Eva, "Don't U have sum boyz out there who haven't seen enuf of yr cleavage?" She britened rite up an' dashed outta the washroom. Then I got down on the (ew!) floor so I could talk 2 Becky under the door of her stall where she was crying while sitting on top of the toilet tank (which it's kinda weird that we even have toilet tanks on our school toilets, U don't usually C that in public washrooms). I was all, "Becky--Can I come in?" And Becks was, like, "Whatever", and she let me in. I put my handz on her shoulders, all "U did fine 2day! It was yr band that let U down." And Becks asked, "Y R U being nice 2 me?" I sed, "Y not? I don't wanna B famous! I'm not yr competition!" Becks was like, "But...2nite yr band was better than mine." I was all, "That's cuz my Uncle Phil was with us--an' we were lucky! Sumtymez, ppl R just plain lucky." As we walked outta the stall, I had my arm around Becky's shoulder, and she sed, "Yeah..." Then we hugged and she sed, "Sumtymez....we R."

NEway, I think that's prolly it 4 the Gym Jam storiez in my blog entriez. I'll prolly have sumthing new 2 start tellin' U abt on Monday. But mayB not. We'll C.

Apes

Totally

After all that stuff went wrong 4 Becky's set @ the Jam, Becky went running off the stage, and I was following after her, all "Becky? Becky! W8!!" She was all, "Leave me alone!" While Eva and I were following Becky in2 the washroom 2 make sure she was OK, Unk Phil was asking Ger "What's the story?" Ger told him, "2 of the guyz in her band R stoned, an' Jeremy never showed up 2 do the audio!" Inside the girls' room, Becky locked herself in2 a stall and was all, "That was totally the worst performance I've ever dun! An' it was totally in front of every1 I know!!! I am totally humili8ed! I am totally destroyed. I feel like I cd totally DIE!" I shda been trying 2 comfort her, an' I wonder if standing there all barefoot (Y was I barefoot?!?) did sumthing bad 2 my brain, but 4 sum icky reason, I whispered 2 Eva, "Do U think she'z being 2 dramatic?" And Eva was all "Totally." C what she did there w/the "totally"? Really, I wish I'd asked Eva 2 stay out in the hall, cuz I know she an' Becks don't get along, an' she didn't need Eva 2 B in there making "wordplay" kinda zingers like that. She needed sum sympathy. I M so sorry I effed that up, Becks!

I'll have more 2 say l8rz, I'm sure.

Apes

Eva, that's cold!

So during Becky's sound trubs, Becks was all, "Just a minute, guyz! We gotta technoblip! Just hang in, OK?" Ger, Dunc, Eva, Luis, Uncle Phil, and I were all watching from backstage. I noticed Becky's lead guitarist was acting strange, so I asked Eva what was with him, and Eva was, like, "I dunno--but it looks like he's been drinking." Becky went, "OK! Ready, now! One, two, three, four..." Then her lead guitar player, who was holding his guitar, like, vertically, was yanking on one of his strings an' made his guitar do a "SKREEEEE" and a buncha discordant stuff, like . Ger was all, "What's happening? They're totally terrible!!!" And I did this whole-body shrug cuz I didn't know what 2 say or what was going on. Then Eva was all, "MayB they wanted 2 B good...Waaay 2 bad!" And I thot that was waaaaaay 2 cold a thing 2 say. I felt really bad cuz I knew Becks was really xxcited abt having her band play @ the Jam, and she's so good, it's not fair that thingz went wrong like this! And while I was thinking all this, I had a weird feeling that I had full lips of loveliness, which was weird, cuz even tho this happs 2 Liz sumtymez, and Dee's like that all the time, I nev seem 2 get the full lips. I also felt pretty short rite then, but then again it seem like Ger was oddly short then, too, or mayB Eva was unusually tall. Weird what U think abt @ times like this.

More l8r.

Apes

November letters fr my fam

Hey, I'm on a library computer @ school an' I only have abt six minutes 2 write an' post this, so gotta B quick. My letter--U so know Mom thinx I'm talking abt the lame fake blog, but U guyz know I mean this one. Go ahead and post abt moviez if U feel like it, but if not, that's cube, 2.

Ha ha, Liz got stuck writing the Pets letter this month. She's surprised 2 learn that Mom's not a cat person? LOL.

Mike, do U live in Toronto or not? If U live in TO, U don't take a train in2 "the city", U already live there. And stop neglecting yr fam!

Dee, whatevs w/all yr advice.

So Dad's always been a choo-choo head. Quelle surprise, not.

Mom's all shocked I can like the Beatles. Whatevs.

Gramps/Iris--I'm just 2 depressed 2 get in2 that letter.

Gotta stop B4 I get timed out!

Apes

Losing Sound

After we were dun w/our songz @ Gym Jam, Dunc an' I were backstage laffin' over how goofy we'd been onstage. Outta the corner of my eye, I noticed Becky kinda glarin' @ us while she had her face powdered. The stage guy was all, "Rebecca(h), U're on in five. Rebecca(h)!" Then Shannon, @ her Spring Water station, tried 2 give Becky a water while saying, "Here... Re... bec... ca(h)! Break... a... leg!" Becks brushed by, all "Get outta my way." Then when she and her band were onstage, She started w/"Hey, Guys! It is so gr8 2 B here! We've been toruing an' goin' totally crazy! But now we're on this stage in this school--an' it's cool!!! So! R U ready 2 rock?!! B-cuz, we RULE!!" Then Becky's bass player was, like, "Uh--Rebecca(h)? We've lost the sound!"

Stay tuned, more 2 come!

Apes