Woah

After Mike loaded yet more boxes in2 that space I'm supposta B livin' in these dayz, the rec room, I remembered Mike got sum mail. I was all, "Oh, I 4got 2 tell U, Mike, a package came 4 U 2day... It's from sum publishing company." I gave him the "package," which wasn't a package but one of those flat, cardboard envelopes U get from express-delivery companies, and he opened it, pulling out sum papers. Pretending 2 care, I was all, "Well... What is it?!!" And Mike was like, "A contract! They've sent me a contract! They're gonna publish my book!-- And they're offering me a $25,000 advance!" I was like, "Woah!" All channeling Keanu Reeves and Everett Callahan, cuz I really cdn't believe what I was hearing. I mean, really, can U? And I don't mean U, Mike, I mean every1 else. And of course, this talk made Mom and Dad appear out of whatev crevice of the house they'd been hiding in, all silhouetty and eavesdroppy.

NEway, after that, Mike put the papers down, and leapt up in the air, all "YYEEAAA AHHOO HAHAHAHA HAHAHAH WAHHHH OOOOO OOOOO." Then he ran over 2 Dee and grabbed her up in the air, holding her by the shoulders, causing a series of straight lines to appear over her head, as motion lines appeared under her left foot. Oh, and she and Mike were both in silhouette @ that moment.

Mom and Dad looked on, as Merrie kinda cowered @ her Daddy-AtticGuy's behaviour. And since he felt he had 2 say sumthing, Dad was all, "It's 2 bad our son has never been able 2 xxpress his true feelings." Rite, I'm pretty sure he meant "it's 2 bad he HAS ALWAYS been able 2" etc.

Well, check the skies, foax. Pigs mite start flying.

Apes

(Dis)Possession(s)

There were a buncha boxes in the entryway of the house. Mike was picking one of them up, and Dee was holdng two grocery bags. Since Mike an' Dee actually named their poor boy Robin, I decided 2 do a Batman gag an' was all, "Holy boxes! What's all this?" Mike replied, "Everything that was salvaged from our apartment. It's dishes and kitchen stuff, mostly. They're still working on the furniture." As I picked up one of the boxes 2 help (unlike a princess, Dad!) Mike was all, "We've looked all over our old neighbourhood for another apartment. There R a couple of possibilities, but I doubt we'll find nething as nice." As Mike went down the stairs, he sed, "We've been totally dispossessed!!" And Merrie went, "Mommy? When R we going home?" And insteada trying 2 give her little girl sum kinda answer, she got this totally gobsmacked look on her face. I think it must B sum kinda post-traumtic stress that's getting Dee. And I didn't know what 2 say, cuz it's one of thoze totally awkward situations where U know the parent isn't B-ing helpful, but U R standing there holding a box not knowing what else 2 do but stand there an' look stoopid. And I also cdn't help B-ing surprised that Mike didn't say sumthing abt the salvaged stuff being their remaining possessions, all so he cd pun w/"dispossessed." I guess he must not have been feeling well. But whatev the reason, I can't tell U how happy I was that Mike passed up a punnertunity! So unPatterson of him!! This temporarily distracted me from the fact that he was--automatically and without even thinking abt another idea--TAKING THIS STUFF DOWN 2 THE REC ROOM. AAAAARGHHHH! WHERE IS MY RED STAPLER?!?!?!?

Apes

Liz Warps Time

Liz told me that she was gazing out the window recently, thinking, "I thot that moving home wd B a good thing, but now I wish I hadn't. I used 2 have my own apt, my own stuff. Everything around me was MINE! Now I have no boyfriend, no privacy, no identity... It's as if I've gone back in time... To being a KID again!" Then Mom came in2 the room, all, "Here's yr laundry, sweetie! Don't 4get 2 put it away." After Liz put the laundry away, she sez she got in2 bed, clutching the stuffed-animal bunny from when she was little. Yeah, I think that completes the process, eh?

Well, xxams start @ school. Wish us luck!

Apes

Mom's Tantrum

Recently, Mom went out 2 clear the snow an' ice off of her car so she cd do sum shopping. I was inside looking after Merrie an' Robin, and when we heard the noises outside, they wanted 2 watch out the window. Mom was totally grimacing while she scraped and chipped. After a while, she yelled out, "I DESERVE AN INDOOR SPACE!" Then Dad went outside, all "Elly? Elly, what R U doing?" And Mom was all, "What does it look like I'm doing?! I'm cleaning the ice and snow off my car!" And she went back to CHIPping the ice away. And Dad was, like, "Y don't U take MY car, then I'll park yrs inside and everything will melt rite off it!" And insteada being, like, "OK, thanks, that wd B a big help," she unhinged her jaw, scrunched her eyez, and screamed, "NO, OK? NO, NO, NO and NO!!" And she had a big storm cloud over her hed while Dad went back in.

When Dad got in2 the house, Merrie sed, "Grampa John, Gramma Elly had a TANTRUM, didn't she?" Dad kinda smirked and sed, "Yes, Merrie. Yes, she did." Merrie was all, "When Robin has a tantrum or when I do, Mommy gives us a time out. Will U give Gramma Elly a time out?" And Dad sed Mom wd hafta give herself 1, since she's all grown up. But then Merrie got the idea that Dad just cdn't do it cuz he's not Mom's parent. And she foned Grandpa Jim 2 ask him 2 give Mom a time out. I'm not sure what Grandpa Jim and/or Iris did abt that!

NEhoodles, l8r on, Mom sed that while she was out there chipping away the ice, she was gettng herself all worked up by thinking, "Grumble! ... We have a 2-car garage and 4 cars 2 park. So, whoze car gets left outside? MINE." Then she got even madder while she thot, "I'm the 1 who does the shopping, the cooking, and the organizing around here...." That's when she got 2 the pt abt yelling that she deserved an indoor space. Dad sez that after Mom no-no-no'ed him, he was thinking, "Never make a sensible suggestion 2 sum1 w/a chip on their shoulder."

So, a buncha us R gonna have a study sesh over @ Dunc's house 2day. He's gonna have a steady supply of Horny T's coffee an' Timballs, he sez. So 4 thoze of U who R planning 2 stdy w/us, C U there!

Apes

Being Right

Something that happened who-knows-when, since I've totally lost track of what happed on what day and when Liz was or wasn't here, Liz was pulling sum papers out of drawer in the guest room, and she was telling me, "I am so mad @ Paul and Warren. I'm so angry I cd...." And I wish I'd just let her finish that sentence, cuz now I'm totally wondering what she was going 2 say. But I interrupted her, all "Y R U mad @ Warren? I think he's totally cool! He flew up 2 Mtigwaki*, 4 1 thing, and he xxposed U 2 the truth! I bet he still likes U. Warren still likes U! Did he say he still liked U?" Which, of course, I know the answer 2 this, since we had up-2-the-min reports here @ the blog, so I was really just doing this 4 effect, I guess. And while I'd been talking, cd feel myself getting the speed-freak** eyez again. Liz had had her back turned 2 me this entire time, until I finished that last sentence. Then she turned 2 face me and she totally did a Mom, scrunching her eyez shut, snapping her jaws wide open (while sumhow still having the full lips o' beauty), and hollering, "APRIL--STAY OUT OF MY PRIVATE LIFE!" My eyez got even wider as I walked out the room grinning (looking kinda birdlike, I suspect), thinking "When I'm right--I'm right!!"

I'm just glad I didn't do sum godawful Wright/right pun abt Paul. U just know sum1 will have dun 1, either from my fam or sum1 we know well. I hope it won't have been me.

* I don't belong 2 the cult of "OMG RIDING IN A HELICOPTER IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVARRRRR!" But Liz goes a bit crazy if U make a reference 2 her riding in 1 w/out saying sumthing abt it being teh kewl.

** Mike, that convo Mom an' I had abt what "spead freak" meanz? Totally 4 yr benefit. After U left the room, she laffed at U and sed she can't believe U don't know this:

speed freak

--noun Slang. an addict or habitual user of amphetamines, methamphetamines, or similar stimulating drugs.

Apes

No Gentle Breaks

So, once Liz had taken off her jacket, Mom got her 2 sit @ the kitchen table an' pour her heart out. Just Mom and Liz, understand. I was back 2 being "April who?" and lurking on the sidelines. As I peeked my hed in2 the kitchen, Liz buried her face in2 her hands and wailed, "Warren knew Paul was seeing Susan! That's U he offered 2 fly me 2 Mtigwaki a day early!" Then Liz sat up an' I crept in2 the kitchen as she went on w/"I thot it wd B a nice surprise--but it was awful, Mom! Paul was @ Susan's apt!" Mom was all, "Y didn't he tell U he was C-ing sum1 else?" Liz was, like, "He planned 2... When he picked me up @ the bus. He sed he was going 2 break it 2 me gently." Mom put a hand on one of Liz's hands and sed, "Honey.... ...There's no such thing." 4 sum reason, hearing Mom say that made my eyez bug out like a speed freak.


Mike, 4 heav's sake, stay out of the rec room and don't knock my things on the floor. I had all my homework organized on the couch cuz I have NO. WHERE. ELSE. 2. PUT. IT. It took me an hour 2 put it back in2 the rite order after U did that. If U want 2 watch TV, U can do it in the living room. U don't have 2 displace me even more than U already have. That does it, I'm training Shiimsa 2 guard the rec room!

Jeremy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean 2 not answer yr post yesterday. I wasn't mad @ what U sed when Ger an' I were discussing what does and doesn't count as cheating. And thanx 4 the warning abt Shannon. I did find her and get her 2 put the teapot away.

Apes

More Bad Patterson Wordplay

After I cried when Mom had asked how I cd live in all that clutter in the rec room, Mom D-cided it was time 4 tea, so we were back in the kitchen. While the tea was steeping in the teapot, I was all, "I'm sorry I yelled @ U, Mom." Which I hadn't dun, I'd just cried a bunch. But this was my only chance that Mom mite apologize 4 her scary yelling. Which she didn't xxactly, but she sort of put on one of her more sympathetic facial xxprssions an' sed, "Well ... I hollered @ U, 2." As she was pouring the tea, she was all, "We're all tense. We're not used 2 so many ppl living in this house." As I noticed that she was pouring her own cup B4 she poured mine, I sed, "And 4 so long!" Then as she was saying "At least Elizabeth's gone 4 a few dayz. That's one less in line 4 the shower," we heard the front door go "SLAM!" And there was Liz, in her noble-north approved fur-lined parka, yelling, "Paul dumped me 4 ANOTHER WOMAN!!" She came in2 the kitchen, threw her arms around Mom, and cried in the xxact same way that I'd been crying just moments B4--left eye dropping a puddle of tears, while the other eye made a weird teardrop fountain around her hed. Must B a family trait. And since I already knew abt Liz/Paul/Susan from this blog, I didn't react with shock, sympathy, and whatevs. But instead, my brain did this weird Patterson thing. It thot, "Speaking of water works..." And @ 1st, I thot, "Y did I just think that?" And I realized, "Oh. Mom had mentioned the shower. And Liz was in tears. Water works."

Gah, this punning program in the Patterson brain, it's really sick, yo. I mean, I shda been wanting 2 help Liz feel better, even tho the breakup wasn't newz. But the whole punning thing kinda overrode NE kinda, like, normal human emotion. And this freaks me out a bit, cuz U know I h8 all the stoopid punning, an' I try 2 resist it. And yet I have moments like that. I hope there is help 4 me.

Apes

Hostile Environment

So, U remember the setting. We (me an' Mom) were in the kitchen and Shiimsa (aka ANGRA MAINYU) was up on top of the cabinets. And Mom was stressing cuz she was xxpecting Shiims 2 use the fuggo curtains 2 climb down. I learned a bit abt kitty behaviour from helping out @ the vet clinic in Winnipeg last summer, so I knew that Shiimsa was more likely 2 jump down than 2 try climbing down, which is much less practical from a kitty-cat pt of view.

When Mom had taken a coupla steps back, I went up close 2 the part of the cabinets where Shiimsa had wedged herself, and I whispered, "ANGRA MAINYU, this TOOPID who calls herself my mom is so toopid that she thinx U'd rather risk getting yr claws all tangled up trying 2 climb down the curtains face-first insteada making a nice, clean jump. How 'bout we show this TOOPID how a real cat hops down from a high surface?"

After I sed that, I saw this look in Shiimsa's eye like she was glad sum1 was on her side 4 a change. Then she made a graceful leap from the top of the cabinets on2 the counter just in front of me. As I cd feel Mom lookin' @ me from behind, all shifty-eyed and resentful, I picked up Shiimsa and sed, "Come on, Shiimsa, let's find a less hostile environment."

I took her over 2 the rec room, where I've been sleeping since Mike an' Dee took over my room, post-fire, and I thot, "Man, the rec room is a mess. Deanna's Mom piled a bunch of stuff in here, there's no place 2 put my clothes or my homework.... Until Mike finds a new apartment, I'm condemned 2 live like an outcast in the dungeon of the house. But I shall survive." While I was thinking that last part, I cd suddenly feel Mom's gaze on the back of my head, cuz she'd sidled up 2 the rec-room door. And she was all, "April, U cd tidy up a little! How can U stand living in all this clutter?" Shiimsa hopped down 2 find a cozy hiding place away fr. my mom, and I suddenly burst in2 tears, over what Mom had just sed. I was crying so hard that my eyez scrunched shut, my mouth opened real wide, a big puddle of tears came out of my left eye, while my rite eye caused, like, a tear-drop fountain, so there were tears springing up in the air in a line starting under my chin and going up, in front of my face and around to the crown of my head. Weird, eh? I felt like Shiimsa wasn't the only one who needed 2 find a less hostile enviro, eh?

Apes

Mom's BIG Mouth

Mom was standing in the kitchen, looking up @ Shiimsa on the cabinets, and totally pinching her face like she was smelling a bad smell. I walked up B-side her and sed, "She'll come down on her own, Mom." And Mom was all, "She'll climb down my curtains." I tried 2 B helpful by saying, "Oh well.... We need new curtains NEway." Which was apparently not v. helpful as far as Mom was concerned, cuz she, like, had this tiny little explosion in her head, I think. I cd C motion lines on either side of her hed, and five tiny little bubbles, like, popping over the top of her hed. Then she unhinged her jaw and scrunched her eyez shut, getting ready 2 YELL @ me in that famous way of herz, and insteada just running away like most ppl, 4 sum reason I was all, like, compelled 2 look an' think, "Whoa! ...I can C all her fillings!" She has a lot, yo. I wonder if she mas more than she really needs cuz Dad needed sum1 2 practice on when he was 1st starting out w/the dental stuff.

NEway, it looks like it's gonna B a pets week. But there's sum stuff U shd know abt Shiimsa, which U mite not if U're kinda new 2 the blog. Shiimsa's been having kinda, like, an affair w/Dunc's cat Faustus. She doesn't call herself Shiimsa, BTW, she calls herself ANGRA MAINYU. She kinda like takes over Liz's brain sumtymes and posts here @ the blog. So U'll C a post that sez it's Liz posting, but it's in all caps, and it's signed ANGRA MAINYU. Faustus does the same thing via Duncan. So, like, the kitties were posting 2 ea other here last nite. First, Shiimsa/ANGRA MAINYU was all:

APRIL,

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE "CAGE PROBLEM." I AM GOING OVER TO "THE WALRUS"'S HOUSE NOW TO SHOW HIM JUST HOW A CAGED CAT FEELS ON THE INSIDE THROUGH A LITTLE SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL "INTERPRETIVE SLASH."

OH GREAT, LOOK AT ALL THE PARENTHESES I USED! I MUST HAVE CAUGHT IT FROM THE IDIOTS MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND LIVES WITH. THE BLONDE BIMBO WITH THE LISP IS A PARTICULARLY EGREGIOUS OFFENDER.

ANYWAY, BACK IN A FEW HOURS.

ANGRA MAINYU

Hee! In case you didn't guess, "the walrus" is Anthony. Then Faustus was, like:

MY DARLING ANGRA MAINYU,

HOW I ENJOYED YOUR INTERPRETIVE BALLET. SUCH INSPIRATION, SUCH EXECUTION, I HAVE RARELY SEEN.

WOULD YOU JOIN ME FOR THE APRES BALLET, CHEZ PATTERSON? SWEETBREADS ARE ON MY MENU. YOU HAVE TOLD ME MANY TIMES THEY WON'T MISS THEM.

LOVE ALWAYS,
FAUSTUS

And Shiimsa-ANGRA replied:

DEAREST FAUSTUS,

NOT TONIGHT, MY LOVE. I AM TIRED FROM MY EXERTIONS WITH "THE WALRUS." TOO BAD THAT UNUSUALLY OVERGROWN BABY OF HIS KNEW HOW TO DIAL 911. NOW MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND WILL PROBABLY HOOK UP WITH HIM AFTER ALL. OH WELL, MAYBE THEY WON'T HAVE HIS BLOOD TYPE AVAILABLE FOR A TRANSFUSION.

I DO NOT THINK IT IS THE RIGHT TIME TO RAIN CARNAGE DOWN UPON THE PATTERSON MANSE. SOON, MY LOVE. VERY SOON.

WITH LOVE, ANGRA MAINYU

See, the real action around here is with the kitties, eh? Stay tuned!

Apes

Mom Sides With the Dogs--Again

The dogs were sleeping. Like always, eh? And Shiimsa pounced and bounced off of each dog's head, so they woke up an' chased after her. Which is such a total repeat of what happed on July 17, 2005, xxcept that time, it was just Edgar, outside, and Shiimsa escaped 2 a tree, where she got pecked by a blue jay. And Edgar actually laffed @ her.

NEway, when Eddie and the Dixie-rat where chasing her, she jumped up on2 a kitchen counter and from there, she jumped up on2 the top of a cabinet. And Mom sauntered up 2 the dogz, all, "4 once, I'm siding w/U guys." Which is totally bizarre, cuz she has not once, not ever sided with the kitty on NEthing. She's alwayz on "Team Dogs." I asked her Y she was all "4 once," and she sed, "What? Well, it soundz better, don't U think?" And I was like, "Mom, I'm not sure what's up w/Shiimsa, but I totally cdn't find her the whole time Liz was away 4 her Mtig trip, and then also over the next coupla weeks, but NO1 but me seems 2 have noticed. Y is that?" And Mom shrugged, all, "The cat is Elizabeth's responsibility."

Poor kitty.

Apes

Musical Chores? Whatevs!

Sum of U mite remember that mom occasionally gets little articles an' essays published in, like, The Milborough Shopper. So here's sumthing of hers that she just got published there:

Musical Chores

by

Elly Patterson

Well, I've got a full house, and I must say, I'm loving it! You see, recently a tragic and unfortunate fire happened in the building where my beloved Michael and his family were living, in Toronto. The cause of the fire was careless smoking in the downstairs apartment (Michael, of course, lived in the blameless upstairs). Because of the fire, Michael, my daughter-in-law Deanna, and my grandchildren Meredith and Robin have been staying at our house here in Milborough.

As I mentioned in another recent article, "The White Goose Roosts," my daughter Elizabeth had already moved back into the house, having accepted a teaching job at the highly rated Glenallen Elementary School. And of course, our teenager April still lives with us.

So our household currently consists of me, my husband John (the noted dentist), darling Michael, lovely Dee, the adorable granddaughter and grandson, Elizabeth, April, two dogs, a rabbit, and Elizabeth's cat.

Of course, having so many people under one roof has its challenges as well as joys. One challenge is to get the household chores done. I pride myself in running my home with great efficiency, so naturally I've put into place a job list, where everyone has a job, and jobs are rotated.

Well, leave it to my teenangster to find a flaw in my carefully crafted list! With so many people to juggle, of course there will be times when someone has a particular job two days in a row! But recently, April came up to me with list in hand, moaning, "Mom, how come I hafta do the clean-up after dinner? I did it yesterday." Always the voice of reason, I told her, "So change with Elizabeth." Apparently, when April asked her sister to switch, Elizabeth said, "Sure, I'll change jobs with you. My job was to fold the laundry." April did not want to do that task, but instead of just declining to switch with her sister, she found Michael, who was vacuuming the stairs, and offered to take over in exchange for his doing the folding. He agreed, but he pointed out that she would need to clean out the canister of the central vac, located in the basement.

She did not not to do that task, either, but she didn't tell that to Michael. Instead, she found John in the basement and asked him to clean out the canister for her. He told her he would, but only if she cleaned out the recycling bins.

At that point, she came back to me and said, "Mom ... I don't want to wash out the recycling bins." I kept my calm (no easy feat), and replied, "OK, April, what do you want to do?" And she actually said, "I'll clean up after dinner." See what happened there? She'd come full circle. But did she give me credit for having chosen the job that was best suited to her? Well, of course not! This annoyed me a bit, so I sort of shouted, "FINE!" But I very quickly calmed down, because I realized I had the opportunity to think a clever pun. I love when that happens. Well, you know it already if you read the title to this essay. Yes, that's right. I thought, "Musical chores." I just love the sound of that, don't you?

Well, now that I think of it, I'm rather surprised that April did not try to switch jobs with Meredith or Robin. Merrie's job was simply to fold the napkins for dinner, and Robin's job was to make sure the napkins were lined up evenly next to the plates. Easy-peasy! Deanna's job was to help me self-diagnose my various medical problems I was having that day. She is a pharmacist, after all, and who wouldn't want to take advantage of that opportunity a little bit?

Have a punny day and don't forget to hug your loved ones!

Zzzzzz! Oh, hi, I fell asleep a lil bit there. Sorry if U did, too. C what I'm up against l8ly, with the job lists and the way Mom is. Ugh.

Apes

Where they left off?

Liz sez that when she sat down 2 write abt her heli ride back from Mtig, she felt all these emotions coming up on her, and she was afraid that she was abt 2 get really depressed. As U mite know, she's been getting xxtra food and sleep whenev that happens l8ly, so she made a big pot of Kraft Dinner, scarfed it up, and then went rite 2 bed. Now she's all, "U handle it, April. But don't mess it up, or I'll chase U around the house, catch U, and pummel U!"

So, in the heli, Warren was all, "Ready 2 roll?" And Liz sez she liked that cuz it was such a "Dad" thing 2 say. She was, like, "Yes, sir, Captain!" So they were taking off and Warren asked how her visit was, Liz told him it was fine. He told her that she didn't sound fine, and she pressed on w/"Really. I'm fine." She totally h8's it when ppl try 2 get her 2 talk abt how she feels an' all. This is when Warren dropped his big bombshell: "Yr friend Paul is with Susan Dokis now.... That's gotta hurt." Weird that he phrased it as "yr friend Paul" when Paul was her BF. NEway, Liz sez she felt like sum1 had punched her in the stomach rite then. She kinda spun her hed towards him, and she was all, "Warren! U KNEW?!" And he was all, "When U fly in the north, U hear things. I didn't think U'd believe me if I told U." W8, he's based in Vancouver, and he hears Mtigwaki gossip cuz he "fl[ies] in the north"? What, do the pilots all gather in sum pilot lounge, watch soaps, and chit-chat abt the luv lives of the cops and teachers in every teensy town "in the north"? Gimme a break. But whatevs, rite? Liz was all, "So.... U dropped me rite in2 the middle of it!!!" And Warren was like, "I've never dropped U, Elizabeth.... I'm just hoping we can pick up where we left off!!"

W8 a minute, wha? Isn't "where they left off" that he lived all the way out in Vancouver, they barely kept in touch, and whenev Liz heard a helicopter, she'd look up and wonder if it mite B Warren, but it never was? Y go back 2 that? And Warren, I think U kinda 4got U were engaged 2 Marjee Mahaha, eh?

Dunc: Studying math and science. U're staying here. Gotcha.

Apes

Gary's Goodbye

Liz wrote sum more stuff last nite:

April,

Well I am pretty sure you are lying about that whole Mom disagreeing about me giving away the harmonica thing, but it doesn't matter anyway, Mtigwaki is a part of my past now, I'm not going to be thinking about it anymore.

Anyway, Gary took me to where Warren's helicopter was going to land and he said, "I must say, girl--you do travel in style!" and I said, "I know! Flying with Warren sure beats the bus!", I liked that he said this, first he was using the proper native form of address for me ("girl") and also it is proper for lowly people like natives to express jealousness and amazemetude over how a Patterson does things, then Gary thanked me for stuff, like smiles and Christmas gifts, and made me promise to keep in touch, and I did, but of course we both knew I was lying, because everyone knows a Patterson has better things to do than to keep in touch with a bunch of people who are not going to ever give you anything like a husband or prime rib dinners, like Mom always says, if you aren't in a position to give something to a Patterson, you don't deserve our friendship.

Anyway, then Gary told me not to be sad for too long because my heart would mend and love would come again, and then Gary hugged me close, and when I thought we had hugged for kind of a long time I looked up and I was going to say, "Hey, are we done hugging yet?" but then Gary kissed me on the mouth, and I was surprised, and he said, "Girl, that's just how a native says goodbye," and I said, "Oh, I thought we were talking about love," and Gary said, "Well girl, I'll talk to you all day about it if you want," and I said, "About what?" and Gary said, "Love, girl!" and I said, "Oh," and Gary said, "Sometimes it's closer than you think," and then Gary winked at me as Warren walked up.

I think Gary was trying to tell me something, I wish I knew what it was, natives are so wise.

Liz

Liz, how dare U say I lied by saying Mom was angry @ U abt the harmonica! Mom was all, "That harmonica was SACRED because my dad had it in the WAR! Not just any war, but the one U can just call "the WAR" and ppl will know U mean World War 2! And that's where he met Marian Barclay, soon to be Richards! And that harmonica helped keep him sane! It was supposed to stay in the Richards-Patterson clan! And her nose got all swollen and red, so U know she really was pissed.

Liz, wow, first U had Jesse trying 2 do U in his bedroom, then U had Gary trying 2 do U out in the open, outside. I guess it's a good thing U got outta Mtig. It sounds like most of the men and boys there can't control themselves around yr Patterson allure.

So, U think of First Nations ppl as being "lowly," eh? That sounds pretty racist for a girl who's all "I don't know Y ppl talk abt being diff races when we're all running 2 the same place" or whatevs it is when U try 2 pretend U don't know abt that particular meaning of the word "race."

NEhoodles, I know yr story gets more interesting 2morrow. Can hardly w8 2 find out what U R gonna say abt it. BTW, Warren took me, Marjee, and Howard up in the heli once 2 go shopping in TO. It was OK, but it wasn't that cool.

Apes

Great Ppl in Mtig

Liz told me she was feeling 2 "emotionally fragile" 2 tell U the next bit of what happed during her Mtig visit, and she asked me 2 do it. She was, all, walking along outside w/Gary Crane as the huge, elliptical snowflakes hovered all around them. Gary was saying, "We've been 2 the community center, the band hall, the nursing station, the coffee shop and the school." And Liz was like, "I guess I've seen every1 I came 2 C." Gary asked, "And what about Paul. Have U nothing else 2 say 2 him?"

Liz sez she was upset w/Gary 4 saying that, cuz she really wasn't planning on seeing or speaking 2 Paul ever again, but was ready 2 bury the whole thing in her mind as soon as poss. But since she felt like he was putting her up 2 it, she went 2 Susan's apt and knocked on the door. As she did, the door actually said, "KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK," and from inside, Susan sed, "Coming!" This time, both Paul and Susan came to the door. Susan was sort of leaning in2 Paul and she was clutching one of his arms, like she was afraid Liz wd punch her or sumthin'. And Paul looked all startled. Liz sez that Paul was, like, "Elizabeth, we don't want 2 fite, OK?" And Liz sed, "I didn't come 2 fite. I came 2 say goodbye." Then she started 2 walk away while saying, "And Paul... Even tho it didn't work out for us, I want U 2 know that if U ever need a friend...." And she w8ed until she was, like, @ the end of the walkway B4 finishing that sentence: "There R sum gr8 ppl here in Mtigwaki."

Which, I don't know if she was B-ing all sarcastic abt the "gr8 ppl." Cuz she was mad@ them 4 not warning her abt Paul an' Susan. But she still insists they're "noble" up there whenev the subject comes up. And another thing is I'm kinda surprised Liz never sat with Paul (like in an interior setting) and had a convo abt what-all happed, instead of sum quickie words xxchanged outside Susan's door. U know, like what went wrong w/them, when it did, all that. I know Liz is hurt an' all, and I totally understand that, but I think I'd wanna know.

Apes

WHOSE harmonica?

K, so Liz wrote this last nite:

April,

First I want you all to remember that I am very musical, I love to sing and every year I put it on my "resolutions list" that I want to work harder at it and maybe get good at it someday, I have to confess that I do not have a lot of musical talent like April or Grandpa, or any writing talent like Mike and Mom, I take after Dad which means I have talent only for my job and also for a boring hobby like trains, except I don't like trains, I haven't figured out what my boring hobby will be yet, Mom says that since I'm a girl of course my hobby will be babies, she's probably right.

Well anyway the reason I didn't tell you more about my visit with Jesse was that I was afraid you would be mad, I did something I don't think you will like, see, me and Jesse went into his bedroom and closed the door and sat on his bed and Jesse came close to me and he said, "Miss Patterson, I've been wanting to be alone with you in my bed for ages!" and I said, "I know Jesse, your guilty conscience must have really ate at you," and Jesse said, "Yeah, sometimes, I know it's really not nice to want to do that kind of stuff to your teacher," and I said, "It's not nice to steal from anybody, Jesse, even if they're not your teacher," and he said, "Oh, yeah, right, I mean, I thought we were talking about something else," and then I knew that Susan Dokis can't be that great of a teacher if Jesse is having this much trouble following a simple conversation.

Anyway then I told him, "This was my grandfather's harmonica," and Jesse said, "I know, I took it last year when you were packing, I wanted something of yours...to keep," and then he said, "I'm sorry Miss Patterson, I should never of taken it," and of course that made me feel bad because Jesse gave me so much, like my spirit name, and I felt guilty, so I said, "No, you shouldn't have, I should have given it to you as a gift," because I should of read Jesse's mind that what he would want most of all would be Grandpa's spitty old harmonica, and not something more personal to me.

Here's the part that will probably make you mad April, I gave the harmonica back to Jesse and I said, "Here...learn to play it really well and remember me, OK?" I know this was drastic but you know he will need a special reminder of me since I am never going back to Mtigwaki ever again, now that I did my promise by going back one time, and also now I don't have a boyfriend there, so why bother, my life will be down south now, hopefully with the husband that my guide the Good Witch of the North has picked out for me, I will try really hard to remember Jesse, probably I will every time somebody steals something from me.

Anyhow then Jesse promised to learn the harmonica real good and then he said I taught him a lot of stuff and he wished I hadn't gone away, and then I closed my eyes and my lips puffed up with righteous Pattersonianism, that was exactly what I came to Mtigwaki to hear, how great I am, and then I thought, "What an awesome gift, and I only had to give him that nasty old harmonica to get it, I didn't even have to buy it with my own money!", just then I felt a hand on my chest and I opened my eyes and Jesse was touching me and I said, "If you're looking for something else to steal, I keep my money in my purse, and I left that at Gary and Viv's house!", then I did a sticky-outty tongue laff but Jesse said no, he was hoping we could play a game, I asked what game, and he said, "Noble Young Brave and Captured Missionary Lady," and I said sure and asked him how to play, and Jesse said I would have to get into a special position, but just then Aunt Marg opened the door and said the visit was over.

More Mtigwaki stories tomorrow, I have to brace myself to tell the next part, all I will say is, I was super brave!

Liz

K, so here's sumthing I wanna know. How come Jesse knew that the harmonica had belonged 2 Grandpa Jim, but NOT that Gramps had given that harmonica 2 ME, and that I had given it 2 Liz when she was 1st moving up 2 Mtig? Y no mention of it having also been my harmonica, eh? Was the fact that I gave it 2 Liz, when I was feeling all sentimental an' stuff, so unimportant 2 her that she never told Jesse and whoev else she told abt the harmonica 2? I think I'm really hurt rite now.

Dunc, thanx 4 offering 2 get the harmonica back. I think it's a really bad idea 2 reward Jesse 4 stealing it ("Oh, U stole it? That just means I shda GIVEN it 2 U!" ::rolleyes::) an' 4 perving after my sister who's so clueless she cdn't tell the kid was trying 2 DO her!

Apes

Harmonica

So Liz told me a bit abt visiting Jesse in Mtig. This was after she'd talked w/Viv and then w/Gary abt Paul hooking up w/Susan. NEway, when Gary an' Liz got 2 the house, Gary was all, "Margaret! Look who's here!" And Marg was all, "Elizabeth! We've been xxpecting U!" And Liz sez she "bravely" put on a happy face and that after she'd gone in and given her jacket 2 Viv, Jesse walked in2 the kitchen. He looked abt 17 yrs old and, according 2 Liz, "a little bit like Jeremy Jones in the grade-8 pictures." Liz was, like, "Jesse? Oh, my gosh! U've changed so much!" And Marg told her, "He's doing good in school, when he goez--an' he luvs music! He playz that harmonica U gave him all the time!" Liz: "Harmonica?" And Marg: "Sure! The one U gave him the day U left Mtigwaki!! Can I make U sum tea?" And Liz was like, "Yes....Thanks." Oh, my, first she had tea with Viv, then coffee w/Gary, and more tea w/Marg? No wonder Liz had the total jitters an' cdn't sleep 4 2 nites str8 when she got back (which was like 11 dayz ago, but she's still telling what happed in bits an' pieces, all Patterson style, U C).

NEway, after Marg went 2 make the tea, Liz, like, sidled up 2 Jesse and asked, "Hey...have U got a secret U wanna share?" And Jesse was like, "No... But I've got sumthing I want 2 give back."

I actually do know what happed next, but Liz forbade me 2 tell yet, cuz it's not "proper," and also she mite want 2 tell the next bit cuz she's "not sure [she] can trust [me] 2 do it correctly."

NEway, more 2 come. . . .

Apes

Liz Explains

Liz did a post last nite that totally xxplained abt Mom and thoze boots, and also told sum more abt her Mtig visit:

April,

Well I can tell you the secret of why Mom had those hoochie black boots, well there was this present that got sent to the house after Christmas, on the tag it said "Ms. E. Patterson" and on the inside it said, "Sorry this is late, ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!--Your Secret Santa," well Mom insisted the present had to be for her, since it's "her house," anyway when she saw the boots I said, "Mom those are obviously for a young woman, they must be for me," but Mom insisted, she said, "They're just my style! They go with everything I own!" and then tried to prove it to me by putting them on with all kinds of different outfits from the Milborough Matron collection, even I had to admit that they did not go together, but Mom insisted, even though she couldn't really walk in them too well, anyway you know after Mom and Dad went out on Saturday night I got a phone call, it was from Candace, she sent me the boots, she said she was trying to sex up my wardrobe and that it never occurred to her that Mom would think they might be for her, so you can imagine I was super angry when Mom came home and told me she had thrown away my boots.

Well now you probably want to know more about what I'm calling "the humiliation of the century," well it just never stops, I moped around Gary and Viv's house for a few days with my head in my hands and they were very annoying, making all kinds of excuses for Paul and for why they didn't tell me, then Gary had the nerve to blame me, he said it was partly my fault because I moved away down south on short notice, and what did I expect, that it was silly to think a northerner would be happy to just follow me to my home if I wasn't willing to stay in the place he called home, and that Paul did apply for a transfer to Toronto but got the Spruce Narrows transfer first, which made me wonder if Paul would of chosen me if the Toronto transfer would of come through first, but I don't think so because then Gary said Paul is Native and Susan is Native so they belong together, and that I guided their journey.

Then I had to cry again because it's so not fair, I want someone to guide my journey to a husband, and I know Mom says the Good Witch of the North is doing that, but it's not going fast enough, I need a husband soon, oh my god, I'm going to be 26 this year, and I am starting to see wrinkles in the mirror!

Liz

Liz, I know U will get mad @ this idea, but U shd prolly B told. There R ppl out there who R saying that U shd guide yr own journey, like take responsibility 4 yr own life.

NEway, I'm sorry this is late, peeps. I think I got sum food poisoning from eating more of Dee's cooking yesterday. I'm home sick from school 2day.

Apes

Boring story about my Mom an' Dad

So Mom an' Dad went out 2 eat last nite @ a restaurant called "Restaurant." Mom took a long time figuring out what 2 wear, and 4 sum reason, she settled on a fugly pink sort of jacket-looking top, with a hot pink trim at the collar, bottom, cuff, and down the button line. There were big, blue, sort of puffy-fuzzy buttons down the front. She had a skirt was either blue or purple, depending on how U looked @ it. The skirt was knee length and v. unflattering. Mom put on a pair of black high-heeled boots that were not quite knee high, so there was just a small strip of skin between the skirt and the tops of the boots. Dad acted as if mom looked teh gorgeous in that bad outfit, but I guess it was cuz he didn't want NE objects thrown @ his head.

NEway, Mom an' Dad say that once Dad helped Mom out of the car, she started 2 slip an' slide, so Dad hadta actually hoist Mom up on2 the staircase of the restaurant (with the help of sum random passerby). And on the way home, Mom yelled out super-loud when they were abt 2 pass the thrift shop, cuz Mom wanted Dad 2 pull over and toss out the boots. Which is Y she hobbled up the garage stairz in stocking feet last nite.

Oh, and since Mom and Dad were out, Dee volunteered 2 cook dinner. I tried 2 argue that she'd been thru 2 much l8ly, and I'd B glad 2 whip up a stir fry or a curry, but she insisted. So dinner last nite was boiled carrot coins and stringy chicken. Next time this happs, mayB I can score an invite 2 Dunc's house. His mom has mad cooking skillz.

BTW, rumour has it that Mom an' Dad were @ Restaurant 2 have a s00per-sekrit talk abt "wedding planz." By NE chance did NE of U happen 2 B @ the restuarant, in hearing range?

I know, whatevs. 2morrow, I'll write abt Liz's convo w/Gary.

Apes

News Wire

Well, Liz didn't post abt the next bit of her visit, but no worries. I found a lil article from the Mtigwaki Tattler:

White Goose Returns

By Aunt Marg

So, we've had some excitement in these parts, what with the return of my nephew Jesse's formerly favourite teacher, Elizabeth "White Goose" Patterson (sorry, Liz, but her really, really loves Susan--and he's learned so much in school this year). As you all probably know by now, Miss Patterson arrived a day earlier than we expected, thanks to the "amazing" life she leads, which includes helicopter pilots who show up to give her rides to places when she was planning to take the bus.

Liz had an unhappy surprise when she learned that other thing you all know by now, that Paul "Suds" Wright and Susan "Chipper" Dokis have fallen in love, and that he was already at her apartment in the teacherage when Liz arrived. And surely you all heard the little exchange that occurred right outside of that apartment when Liz and Paul had their "just happened" dialogue.

So, of course, the next thing that happened was that Liz hopped over to the Crane half of the teacherage and, reportedly, sobbed to Viv that she needed "tea and sympathy." Viv remarks that since Liz has been gone, she's noticed that her tea supply lasts much longer than in used to! So, Viv made some tea, and these two ladies sat down for a chat. According to Viv, Miss Goose told Viv that she "had no idea" about Paul, since they reportedly "wrote to each other" and "talked on the phone." She therefore "never had a clue." Furthermore, when Paul told her that his transfer had come through, she thought it was to Toronto. But now she knows it was to Spruce Narrows (his original transfer request): "He was transferred up HERE!"

Viv tells me that her reply was, "He's a northerner, Elizabeth. He'd never adapt to the city..... And this thing with Susan, well, --One thing led to another, and...." But Miss Liz cut her off before she was able to finish that sentence and explain just how one thing led to another, leading up to that intervention we all had. That poor boy really needed help seeing what was obvious to the rest of us, that Susan was obviously loving and devoted. She's loyal, and steadfast, hardworking, with a gentle sense of Ojibway native humour, and she always looks out for Paul. She always has, even when they were kids on the Pow Wow trail. I know the young people are often drawn to the glamour and drama of dating southerners from the big city, but really, it was time to get some sense into that boy's head.

But as I was saying, Liz interrupted Viv. She pointed out that we all knew that Liz was coming here, and that we all knew about the transfer. Also, we all knew about his dating Susan. She wanted to know, "Why didn't anyone tell ME?!" Vivian thought fast and said, "...We thought it was none of our business."

Viv tells me she considered this the best reply because Miss Patterson is always saying that things about her personal life are none of our business. Surely there are many of you who recall when Jesse innocently asked her whether she prefers bikini briefs or thongs (because he wanted to know what to get her for her birthday), and she told him "None of your business!" Or when she was buying hot chocolate and Kraft Dinners at Phil Goulais's store, and Phil asked, "Say, does Paul like you on top or on the bottom?" And she snapped "None of your business!" She didn't even give poor Phil the chance to explain that he meant the top or bottom of the emergency phone tree.

Well, there is more to this story, as you know, but many of you were curious to know what passed between Liz and Viv right after you saw her slam that door shut following the big blow-up outside of Chipper's place. Thank you, Viv, for granting me that quick interview at the laundromat.

Ohhh, so he got that other transfer! Who knew that one was still active? I guess he never requested Toronto, eh? Oh, or what if he did request Toronto, without cancelling SN? OMG, Liz, this so seems like sumthing U wd do. I mean, he cd say, well, "I'll let fate decide whether I shd B in Spruce Narrows or Toronto! Hm, I guess there's a reason fate wants me in SN, now what cd it B?" Doesn't that SOOOO sound like U?!?!?!?

Well, I think I might B moving through the stages of grief on2 acceptance. MayB. I'll keep U all posted.

Apes

Edit: I just found out about the convo where Gary tells Liz that Paul applied 4 transfers in both places and the Spruce Narrows one came thru first. Yup, I gotta say, that's totally a "Liz" way 2 handle such things!

Things That Just Happen

Well, foax, here's the latest post from Liz:

April,

Okay, well the next part is short and sweet, I just turned around and walked off the porch at the teacherage, I was going to go back to the principalage and drown my sorrows in pie, but Paul followed me, he said, "Elizabeth! Wait! I was going to tell you! I was going to pick you up in Spruce Narrows and..."

Well that really ticked me off, because how is it somehow better if he tells me tomorrow right, so I said, "And what?!! Tell me you've dumped me for the teacher who took my place?" because let's face it, that's not what a girlfriend wants to hear when she finally comes to visit you, well of course Paul said, "I didn't plan this...it's just happened," which is typical, I know that line, I have used it myself, so I said, "Lying doesn't 'just happen,' Paul! Cheating and pretending and covering up doesn't 'just happen'! There is a specific list of stuff that 'just happens,' I know what's on it, here are some of the things: 1. Realizing you miss your mommy, 2. Realizing you miss your divorcing ex-high school boyfriend, 3. Accidentally giving your divorced ex-high school boyfriend the wrong idea about your relationship by hugging him and begging him for support during your very romantic rape trial, 4. Your ex-college not-boyfriend shows up and offers you a ride for no reason at all after you smashed his love hopes last year but still you email sometimes just as 'friends', those are things that 'just happen'!"

Well Paul couldn't hardly say anything, he was just like, "But...I didn't want to hurt you!!" well I'm glad I changed my mind about being Glamour Angry because that does not go with the choice I made next which is to do Crying Little Patterson Girl with big puddles of tears under her eyes, I thought that would make people feel more sorrier for me, and I said, "Well guess what, it just happened!"

There's more but I will tell it tomorrow, I think it is dramatic-like to stop here, besides, I am sure Paul will want to tell his stupid side of the story too.


Liz

Oh, and don't forget, Liz, abt how "In a town of 350 ppl, help just 'happens.'" Mom still talks abt that from when she drove U up 2 Mtig in January 2005: "Those nice northern natives, they're not just noble, they're also so helpful!"

NEway, I'm still mad-depressed abt all this. Candace, shd I just follow the dosing instructions on thoze Wellbutrin samples Gramps slipped me, or is it really really bad 4 me 2 do that w/out a real consult? Oh, an' U know who's totally NOT depressed. Mom. Dad. Mike. Gah, Mike and Dad have even made up a lil "I told U so" song an' dance they do whenev they think no1 else can C or hear. So lame.

Apes

Early and Late

So, Liz wrote sum more abt her Mtiggy visit:

April,

Well the next part of the story is very simple, Gary took me to the principalage and when we got there I saw that Paul's car was in the "driveway," which is a polite way of saying he was parked on the rutty part of the grass since the schoolpersonnelage doesn't really have a driveway for parking, anyway, I told Gary to carry my bags inside and he said, "Anything your heart desires! I am your slave! Devoted to you for life!" and I laughed, he is such a kidder, well Viv heard it and must have thought it was super funny too because she gave him one of those punches that says "you kidder!" but Viv probably really shouldn't do that, she's very strong, Gary almost fell over when she punched him.

Well while Gary and Viv were busy getting my things I went and knocked on the door of the teacherage, which as you know is attached to the schoolpersonnelage, anyway, Susan answered the door, you would have been very proud of me April, this time I am not letting any cheater jerk me around, I didn't even let Susan talk, I just said, "Hello, Susan," and informed her that Paul's car is in her driveway, which is how a prosecutor introduces incriminating evidence in court, then I asked to speak to him and I said please, but it was obvious that I was not being polite, it was said all stern-like, so Susan knew "please" meant "you are busted," but it was weird, it was like Susan didn't realize she was busted, she said "sure" I could see Paul, that isn't how it goes in court, when the prosecutor introduced incriminating evidence against Howard in court, his girlfriend Becky would usually do a lot of screaming in the background, but Susan didn't do any screaming, but I am not going to be fooled, I realize she was just trying to hide her guiltyness from me.

Anyway, then Paul came to the door, that Susan didn't let me into the teacherage told me there must be a lot of incriminating evidence in there, like used-up condoms and empty wine bottles and stuff thrown everywhere, well Paul came to the door and said, "Elizabeth! I didn't think you'd be here until tomorrow!" and I was super annoyed because I couldn't tell if his tone of voice was guiltylike or just surprised, and it was shadowy in the teacherage (low lighting = nasty sexcapades) so I couldn't see Paul's expression, but I put on my best angry, "I caught you" face and said, "Well...I got here a day early," because obviously Paul and Susan were confused about what was going on and couldn't figure that out for themselves.

Then the best part happened, I made my eyes go really wide, like I was so shocked by their behavior that it had drove me kind of insane, not like drooling insane but kill your cheating boyfriend insane, I have been listening to that Carrie Underwood song a lot lately so I know what crazy sounds like, so I tried to look how crazy sounds, if you get what I mean, anyhow, when I felt like I looked like I had just walked in on a murder scene or something I said, "And I see it's already too late!" because Elizabeth Patterson is no fool, she is not going to wait around to be told the obvious, when your boyfriend parks in a girl's driveway and is inside her apartment, you know it is a dirty sex thing, that's just how life is, I have learned a lot by having had many terrible things happen to me over the last few years, anyway, I could tell I did a great job because Paul looked kind of horrified, like, "Oh Great Spirit, I should of known I could never trick Elizabeth Patterson, she's too clever!" and Susan was looking at Paul like, "Oh no, we're busted! She's too good! What're we gonna do?!"

That's all I'm going to say today, when I told Candace, she said this was a disappointing installment in the story but then I reminded her it's only Thursday.

Liz

Oh, hey, wdn't it B cube if it turned out that Paul an' Susan had been planning this gr8, super-secret surprise, w/out cluing in Gary an' Viv? And they led Liz in2 Susan's apt 2 show her this big banner that was all, "Liz, will you marry me? Luv, Paul"? And every1 laffed abt what a big misunderstanding it all was? And Paul was like, "We were gonna get Jesse 2 organize a big party if U sed 'yes'"? And Liz was all, "Oh, Paul, I really shd have called an' told U I was gonna B early!" And Jesse was like, "Yeah, Duh, Goosegirl!"

Aw, who'm I kidding? This is just gonna B bad. Candace, I mite need U 2 hook me up w/sum of that Wellbutrin U were tellin' me abt.

Apes

OMG, here we go

Liz posted a comment last nite abt what happed next w/her visit 2 Mtig:

April,

Well I want to tell you what happened next before somebody else does, which you might think is not too likely, but as I just found out there are lots of people who know more about my private stuff than I know about it, for example Gary Crane, when we were in his truck, driving to the schoolpersonnelage after Billy Strongblood rescued us in the woods, Gary and I started talking, you know how that is, Natives love to talk, even though I noticed one thing, Gary looks a little more pasty white and a little less native than he used to, I wonder what that is all about, maybe he is using that skin bleaching cream I saw on the late-night infomercial when Candace and I were sitting up drinking wine and giggling while Rudy had to work late.

Well anyway, Gary said he didn't know why I was there early but it was okay because the guest room bed actually did have some clean sheets on it which he made it sound like that was unusual and a lucky coincidence, which worried me about Viv's housekeeping habits not being up to Mom's standards, but then he said Viv was baking a pie so I forgot about dirty sheets and started thinking about pie, I was going to ask what kind when I realized that Gary was looking at me like I should say something and I realized he wanted to know why I was there so early.

You would be so proud of me April, I lied like a pro, I said I was sorry to be early (NOT! SURPRISE!) and that I just couldn't wait to get there, notice how I just skipped over explaining why I didn't call, I know you were probably worried that I would mess up the all-important "lying and confusing people" part of your SURPRISE! plan, but I didn't, I was so proud I started to look self-satisfied almost like I do when I put on a seatbelt and I said that I had to hurry up and get in touch with Paul because I didn't want him to be all busy waiting for me at the bus stop in Spruce Narrows tomorrow and you know how it is in Mtigwaki if the phone lines aren't working we might have to use a smoke signal or send a messenger on snowshoes, I love the local native color but it sure takes a long time, and I didn't want the man the Good Witch of the North might want to be my future husband to freeze at the bus stop, so we needed to call Paul, bet you thought I would mess up the tricky "call Paul" part of the SURPRISE! plan too!

Then Gary surprised me a lot, he said I didn't have to call Paul, he was already in town with Susan, which made me upset, I said, "With Susan?" because I was thinking, if he is with Susan in Mtigwaki today how was he going to be in Spruce Narrows tomorrow at the bus stop, I mean he has a car but you know how unreliable cars are in the north, it might of broke down, but then I said "With Susan?" again because I realized something else, something much worser than bad emergency snow planning.

So I asked Gary "With Susan as in 'a friendly visit' or with Susan as in with Susan?!!" and Gary got all shifty-eyed and said, "Well, I think you'll have to work that out with them!" and that confused me, I didn't know quite what he meant by that, because and correct me if I'm wrong but if Paul is cheating with Susan then he's cheating with her, and that's that, but Gary made it sound like me and Paul and Susan could sit down together and decide whether Paul was cheating or not, it was very confusing, and I could see on Gary's face that he was worried I didn't get it, and I kind of didn't understand what he meant but Elizabeth Patterson does not get got the better of, except on sometimes when Eric cheats on her or April tries on her underwear, but even then Elizabeth Patterson knows how to cover up her not getting it, she pretends to get it and makes that pretending convincing by using violence, so with that in mind then I said, "With pleasure," because it sounded good and angry, and I looked good and angry, but in a glamorous way, I don't want to be an "ugly angry" like Mom, I want to be a "glamorous angry" like Dee, that is maybe Mom's one flaw, she lets her nose get too big and her under eye bags get too baggy when she's mad, well, that's not going to be Elizabeth Patterson, let me tell you something, Elizabeth Patterson got a full makeup kit (slightly smoke-damaged) from her sister-in-law for Christmas and she knows full well how to use the "Glamorous Angry" makeup palette that came with it!

More tomorrow.

Liz

Aw, man. Howard, this. This is what I didn't actually wanna say yesterday. This is what I've been afraid we were abt 2 hear. I, I, OH GAH. U C, I just have this ill feeling that the Witch of the North is, like, altering ppl's personalities 2 have Liz's luv life come out the way SHE wants it 2. I have to 2 go lie down. But I can't, I hafta get ready 4 school. I'm so depressed. Maybe the school nurse has sum Paxil.

Apes

Sinking Feeling

Here's the next bit of what happed w/Liz's trip 2 Mtig in Warren's helicopter. When they were hovering over the village, Liz was all, "We're here!" And Warren was like, "I'll circle 'round the town. Sum1 will drive up 2 the airstrip 2 get U." How convenient in the magical north, eh? Then when they landed, a truck was pulling up rite away. Warren was all, "Here's a truck already!" Liz was, like, "It's Gary!" Then Warren told her, "I'll B back 4 U in 3 days--have fun!" What, a round trip? Is Flyboy Lizzie's air chauffer? NEway, Liz was like, "I will, Warren. Thanx 4 the ride!" Then Gary got out of his truck and Liz was all, "Gary, it's so good 2 C U!" And he was like, "Hey! I wondered who was being dropped off!" He grabbed her suitcase 4 her and sed, "When I saw the 'copter circling, I thot we were getting a visit from sum government inspector!" Liz was all, "Well, it's only me." Liz sez that as she was putting on her seatbelt with that self-satisfied feeling she always seems to get when she puts on a seatbelt, she had the most unnerving feeling that Gary was looking @ her warily and thinking, "Well, girl--U'll have sum inspecting 2 do!!"

Oh, deargod! I feel SICK! I just. Oh, man, oh, man. I just h8 the way I think this is abt 2 go. Oh, BTW, Liz sed that Gary had either borrowed Paul's jacket, the 1 that matches hers, or he'd gone out an' bought one of his own. What, is it the must-have fashion up north?

Apes

Eagles R Romantic?

Loox like Warren posted 2 that message board/support group 4 Liz admirers again, as FlyBoyWarrenB:

I know you all are dying to know what happened when I (ME! I WON!) got to fly Liz Patterson to Mtigwaki in my super-cool helicopter. Well, I'll tell you a little bit now, but Liz taught me the "Patterson" way of telling stories, so I'll just tell you a bit and leave you wanting more. Mua-ha-ha-ha-HAAAAAA!

I had Liz up in front with me and my client in the back. This was my idea, but I slipped the guy a fifty to pretend it was his. So, once we were settled into our seats, I asked, "Is everyone strapped in?" Client guy said, "Uh-huh," and Liz said, "Yes." Then I told them, "OK, here we go." As we were taking off, I asked Liz, "You don't mind sitting up front, Elizabeth? My passenger wanted to get some work done." (Yeah, right.) Anyway, I knew the answer to that question, as Elizabeth Patterson has a total hard-on for flying in helicopters. So I really think I'm a shoo-in for winning her back, once I prove I'm up to her "seeing is believing" standards. Anyway, as I expected, she responded, "Are you kidding?!! This is the most spectacular view! --Wouldn't it be great to be an eagle, Warren?" And I replied, "Sure! That'd be cool--if you like eating mice and laying eggs!" Liz said, "Hey!--I'm talking in a romantic sense!" And I did one of those inward smiles while thinking, "And she said we'd never talk romance again!" BTW, thank you to LonelyAnthDad2FranMboro for that tip about the effectiveness of longing looks and suggestive thoughts when it comes to wooing Elizabeth Patterson!

NEway, that's the l8est from Warren. Last nite I had a fun time on my d8 w/Ger and w/Dee as our chaperon. Dee wants me 2 say that the cute fireman did NOT spend the entire evening flirting w/her, dancing w/her, and generally "making [her] feel like a woman again," but that she'd be happy to chaperon again any time. Any time @ all.

Apes

I'm a HORRIBLE Auntie!

Yesterday evening, Dee set up Robin in his hi-chair, put his dinner dish on the tray, and left him there. By himself. All alone.

I heard sum giggling coming from the kitchen, so I went in 2 investig8. I found Robin was tossing food down @ the dogs, and they were GOBBLE-SLUPP-EAT-CHEW-GULP-SLUPPING it up. Which was making Robin shriek and giggle. And I don't know if it was from being around sum1 so yung, but 4 a moment, I cd swear I cd feel my nose reverting 2 a button nose! This happened while I was yelling, "Oh, come on, Robin.... Cut it out!" When that didn't work, I was all, "No! Stop feeding them! Eat yr dinner!!" OMG, M I already turning in2 MOM? Y was I yelling @ my nephew?!?!

Then I took his dish away, and he let out a huge, red-orange "SHRIEK!" And I had what I thot was a brilly idea, but soon I realized it was a totally sucky one. I put dry dog food in Robin's bowl, and I brought it 2 him saying, "Fine then.... Let's go all the way." I'm pretty sure I had this smug, closed-eye look when I said that. And I put the bowl down. He looked totally intrigued and started to EAT THE DOG FOOD! And B4 I had a chance 2 get that bowl away from him, Dee came in, her hair looking more bowlish than ever, and asked me, "What did U put in his bowl, April?" And as he ate it, all "Munch?" I told her, "Dog food." And she had this gobsmacked look on her face. And this time, I can't say that I blame her. I totally didn't think he'd eat it, yo! I thot he'd keep feeding the dogz, C? But still, I shda known better. I am a horrible, horrible aunt! I'm sorry, Dee and (erp!) Mike!

Apes

Liz uses Paul's full name so she can pun

So, the day after Warren came by 2 offer Liz a heli-ride 2 Mtig, Liz packed in a hurry. While she was packing, I was all, "Man, U get 2 fly 2 Mtigwaki in a helicopter. U R so lucky!!" And Liz sed, "I know." Tho now that I think of it, I don't know Y I was that impressed abt riding in a helicopter. Hm, weird. NEway, as Liz dragged her suitcase an' carried a shopping bag w/gifts an' stuff, she was all, "I wasn't sure I'd B able 2 go--but they remanded the trial until next month--so, I called every1 and they're xxpecting me 2morrow.... But--I'll arrive @ noon 2day." I wonder Y Liz didn't call every1 again an' tell them abt her change of planz. But I'm sure Liz will B mad @ me 4 saying that, cuz she's mad @ me 4 everything I ever say, I totally can't win w/her.

After Liz put on her jacket (the fur-trimmed one that matches Paul's jacket), she sat at the foot of the stairs 2 put on her shoes. While she was tying them, I was like, "Paul won't B happy abt U flying w/Warren." And Liz actually sed, "If Paul Wright is concerned abt Warren, then he is totally wrong!" See what she did there? She totally used Paul's first and last name only so she cd make a lame Patterson pun. I mean, it's not like I need 2 B reminded what Paul's last name is, eh? And as Liz was walking 2 the door w/her suitcase an' her shopping bag, I thot, "Right!"

U know what? have a v. v. bad feeling we're being set up 4 sum1 2 make a horrible pun abt how "Sometimes Mr. (W)Right is Mr. Wrong." God, I feel sick just thinking abt it. I don't know what wd make that happen, but I sense it leads 2 Liz an' Anthony 4ever. Which wd totally give Mike an orgasm and make me ill. Sorry, Mike, but I'll B blunt. I DO NOT LIKE ANTHONY.

Oh, and BTW, Mike, if U R so smart, Y do U not know that in 2001, I was ten, not 11? I was born in 1991, remember? 1991 plus ten equals 2001.

Dunc. Pink lamp, green shells. Becky, do U have NE of thoze chainz left over? Zandra, I think we mite need 2 chain up Dunc 4 his own safety.

Apes

Warren thinx about the old times

Apparently, there's a message board/support group 4 men who R obsessed w/Liz. Sum1 e-mailed me 2 tip me off abt a new post that just showed up there fr. "FlyBoyWarrenB":

I knew being a pilot would come in handy someday! Me, I'm the only one authorized to fly Elizabeth Deborah Patterson to the noble-north Mtigwaki area! Me!

The other day, when I came by to offer her a ride, after she'd gotten her little sis to scram, settled us into the kitchen, and made two cups of coffee, conforming (she said) to Patterson hospitality rules, I explained that I've been working for a mine company and was going to be taking some dude to a mine site north of Mtigwaki. I said that I thought she'd be planning to go up there anyway, so.... And she cut me off with a "Hmm." BTW, thanks to everyone here who has helped me track Liz's movements, or else I wouldn't know she was living with her parents in Milborough, or where the house is. Anyhow, Liz said, "It's a great opportunity, isn't it." She made that a statement, not a question. Then she said, ".....I could use my tickets at a later date. It would be nice to get there early....." Then she put a hand on my right arm. And you know that made me feel all warm and tingly, eh? And she half closed her eyes and said, "Wait a minute. I know you, Warren. What's going on?" I was a little taken aback. Whatever could she mean by that? I've never been a trickster! But I didn't say that, I said, "Nothing! We're friends, right? When we stopped seeing each other, we said we'd be friends!" Liz got up to return our empty coffee mugs to the kitchen sink, and as she did, I said, "So, for old times' sake--you'll come with me?" And Liz told me, "Sure. For old times' sake, I'll come with you." Then, I followed her to the sink, got right behind her, like I could almost spoon her, but standing up, breathed in her lovely Liz scents, and thought, "And... We sure had some great old times!" Well, that old time when she got me to fly all the way out to White River to give her a ride to Toronto, without bothering to mention that she had a boyfriend, only to kiss that boyfriend in front of me and dump me while we flew, that wasn't such an old time. But we did have good times. And I'm pretty sure if I hadn't "let myself go" and worn unattractive aviator glasses, she would have chosen me! And now I'm buff again!

Well, fellow Liz admirers, I'll keep you posted with my news victory!

Wow, when ppl obsess over my sis, they really obsess. How weird that must B!

Zandra, I do have a bunny, but she doesn't watch TV, so I've never had to flip the channel away from sumthing she was watching. Sorry!

Apes

Surprises

So, Liz let Warren in, all "Warren--it's been a while! Please come in." And Warren was all, "Thanks." And since Liz is alwayz treating me like I'm an immature, pesky little sister who never stopped being 12, I decided 2 act the part by being like, "Hooo! U're the pilot! U used 2 d8 my sis!!" And Liz narrowed her eyez, all, "April... get lost." So I receded in2 silhouette an' ducked in2 another room. I heard Warren: "I don't have much time, Liz, so I can't stay. --I know this is a crazy suggestion, but I have 2 fly north, 2morrow and I cd drop U off in Mtigwaki if U want 2 visit!" Liz was, like, "Warren, I have my tickets already. If I come with U, I'd get there a day early! --I don't know what 2 say!" Then I poked my head in2 the hallway and sed, "Don't B a doofus! 1st U say 'Yes', an' when U get there, U say, 'Surprise!!'"

Hm, I hope she doesn't walk in on sum v. unpleasant "surprise." Y do I have a weird feeling that she will?

Also, Liz, it shd either B "If I came with U, I'd get there a day early" or "If I come with U, I'll get there a day early." Geez, U teach?

Apes

WARREN?

So after I'd put away the blanket and the foto albums that the firefighter had brought 4 Dee, the doorbell rang again. This time, Liz was all, "I'll get it!" I was starting 2 climb the stairs, and my left foot had gotten real tiny and was @ a v. odd angle. But NEway, I was like, "Hey, if it's another fireman, ask him in. That other guy was HOT!! Whoa! A hot fireman!!!-- 2 funny! [only NOT] --Liz! If it's NE hot guy--let him in!"

So Liz answered the door, and guess what? I heard her saying, "WARREN?" And I heard Warren being all, "Whoa! She's still as pretty as ever!" Which, isn't that kinda rude, being all "she" abt the person U R talking 2? And Y were Warren and I both channeling Keanu Reeves and Everett Callahan? Hm?

Well, stay tuned an' find out what happed next. I'd tell U, but Liz sez it's against the Patterson storytelling rules.

Apes

Ha-ha, Liz, U're OLD!

So after that firefighter came by yesterday, I stopped in2 the kitchen, where Liz had set up 2 work on lesson planz. Liz was all, "Who was @ the door?" I told her, "One of the firemen who helped Mike an' Deanna escape from their apartment." Then I put the blanket and albums on the table, like, "He brought these." Liz was totally "This isn't all they have left, is it?" I went, "No, there's more. Mom sez there's an insurance thing where a cleaning company goes in after a fire and salvages NEthing that's still good. So.... They'll get back sum kitchen stuff and NEthing that's not totally smoke damaged." Liz was like, "Cool!" And me, I was all, "Personally, I'd rather get all new stuff!" Liz sed, "U can't replace history, April. Everything U own has history!" I scooped up the blanket and the albums, and as I left the kitchen, I told Liz, "MayB YOUR stuff has .....I'm not OLD enuf 2 have "history." I cd hear her kinda growling as I left the room.

Hey, now that I've mentioned Liz, mayB sum interesting Liz stuff will happen and I'll B able 2 tell U all abt it. That wd B cube, doncha think?

Apes

Firefighter housecalls?

Whew, sorry I'm l8 again. This time fr. partying hardy, eh? Sorry I left all that describing 2 U, Howard. Like Howard sez, Becky's dad Thorvald brought Ger 2 the party just B4 midnite, so we cd kiss. I was sooooo happy that we got 2 have our New Year's kiss! And it was a gr8 kiss! And then, like Howard also sez, Ger had brought me sum clothes an' jewelry:

Gerald got April some kind of BoHo Hippy top with flared ruffle sleeves, with a choker necklace that has an oval Viking emblem attached. He insisted that she wear it, even though it is setting off all kinds of fashion alarms in my head. Thorvald seems to like it because it reminds him of how girls dressed in his younger days.

So I was totally still wearing that stuff when I got home in the v. early, wee hrs of the morning. And guess what? That weird vision I told Howard abt last nite came true: “Howard. I have this vision about answering a door and a fireman is there to return a blanket and photo albums that Deanna dropped on the fire escape. Do firemen do that?” L8r, Luis kinda told us that they do actually do this (also from a Howard comment last nite):

Luis Guzmán told this strange story about how the Toronto Fire Services have new laundry and scrapbooking divisions, for families who are victims of fires. His girlfriend, Alto Escurrido, said she heard the local Ontario Provincial Police were installing a new moccasin-making division so they can hand out moccasins to victims of violent crimes.

So, NEway, the doorbell rang this morning, and since every1 else was either out an' abt or sleeping off hangovers, I was all, "I'LL GET IT!!!" I think I mita damaged my hearing a bit last nite, cuz 4 sum reason, I felt like I hadta shout that REALLY LOUD an' almost unhinge my jaw like Mom does all the time. So I answered the door an' this v. cute guy was there holding a blanket and sum books on top. I was all, "Hi!" And the guy was, like, "Hello, I'm from the fire department. Is Deanna Patterson here?" Dee took the kiddies out early this morning, so I was like, "No, she isn't." Then I asked, "Can I give her a message?" And he handed me the blanket and books, all, "U can give here these. They were left on the fire escape. Tell her we washed the bedspread and cleaned up the foto albums." I stood there holding them, like totally not believing my weird vision or Luis's crayzee talk cd B true. I was all, "U did? Wow!" And as the cutie walked off, he sed over his shoulder, "We're not just firefighters, Miss... We're family guyz, 2." I told him, "She'll want 2 thank U!" He turned an' sed, "Just tell her 2 have a safe and happy new year!"

So I guess I'll tell her all that when she gets back.

Apes