What's for dinner? MEATLOAF!

Dammit, Janet! I guess I think meatloaf is the kinda food that smells so good that its scent warrants a response of "'sniff' ...Whoa! What smells so good?!" Cuz that's what I sed rite after "Hi, Mom!" as Mom was saying, "Welcome home, honey!" I blew by her and went in the kitchen, where I saw that there were butter tarts cooling on the counter. I sed, "And butter tarts!! U bought butter tarts!!" Then, I bit in2 one and noticed there were no raisins. Mom always gets the kind w/raisins, even tho she knows I don't like them. So I was all, "How come U got the kind w/no raisins?" And Mom sed, "I know U don't like raisins." I was totally shocked Mom wd actually take my tastes in2 acct that I pressed on, insteada just being like, "thanx." I went, "But, U LUV them! How can U buy butter tarts w/no raisins?" Mom picked one up, took a bite, and sed, "Call it a snacrifice." Meatloaf. Butter tarts. I guess I'm not a vegan NEmore. At least this week.

Apes

Well, it's less gross than Mom's cooking

Sorry abt this foax. Another car ride w/Dad 2 tell U abt. Loading up my luggage in2 the back of the 'vASSe, I told Dad, "I had an awesum time on the farm, Dad. I've got so much 2 tell everybody!" Then, once we were in the car an' hovering, I sed, "I'm like, totally at home w/the horses now. I can ride almost as well as Laura, and Uncle Danny let me drive the tractor AND the truck! We went 2 the harvest fair, an auction an' a country music festival!" And Dad asked, "What abt the veterinary clinic? Did U enjoy working there?" And I sed, "Oh, yeah! That was the best part of all! I got 2 help out w/the surgery an' I saw stuff U wd NOT imagine! Like, guts an' everything! But I'll tell U all abt that @ supper." And Dad, of course, looked mildly gobsmacked.

This whole convo was kinda odd, cuz Dad cda asked me abt this stuff when I came home this past wkend 4 Mom's b-day celebration. But he and Mom just, like, didn't talk 2 me @ all while I was home 4 the b-day surprise. It was so strange.

Honoria, C U have bought in2 this whole "Jeremy was a villain" slander. Remember when U were d8ing him and U didn't consider him a "villain"? U only b-came convinced of that when U let that Corbeil-produced mockumentary brainwash U in2 thinking it.

And U R soooooooo literal. No, Daisy did not say "La-la-la." I was using that 2 express Daisy's oblivious attitude. I didn't have a special edition, which U no doubt wda assumed was a special edition 4 not-rich ppl who R not @ hoity-toity private schools. And BTW, U reading this bk in grade 3--a book that ppl read in grad school and write doctoral dissertations abt? Does not show that U R sum kinda super genius who went 2 a superior school (B4 it b-came downgraded 2 "worst school in Ontario"). It only shows that U read it when U were 2 yung 2 understand the significance. Heck, I read War and Peace when I was in kindergarten, but I didn't get the symbolism @ all until I re-read it last yr. I M sure that when U were in grade 3, U didn't make much of this: "They were careless people, Tom and Daisy -- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made." That is soooo U.

But I've realized that trying 2 convince U of NEthing goes nowhere. THAT is how U R like Mike. Not in appearance or NEthing. Like I sed, U R v. v. literal. Well, C U @ noon. We'll talk abt clothes and not eating, and then U'll go off 2 that school of yrs and that will B that.

Apes

Thinking stilted thoughts while traveling

On the plane ride back home, besides thinking, "I just DID this over the wkend," I found I was looking out the window (or trying 2, as my eyes temporarily disappeared), while thinking, "Think is so cool. I luv traveling by myself! Sum ppl get all worked up over it...... But I get a rush!" 'Course I'm sure U can C a huge diff between "worked up" and getting a rush. My eyes returned and I continued w/my stilted thots like this: "Now I know how Elizabeth [aka LIZ] felt when she was on her own. Now I know what it's like 2 have sum freedom." C what I mean abt "stilted"? And Y the heck was I thinking "Elizabeth" instead of "Liz"? She's LIZ! NEway, I wasn't dun yet: "So, bring on the future, cuz I can handle it! I am woman --hear me ROAR!!" Yeah, Aunt Bev was playing her old Helen Reddy album when I was in Winni. Then I saw Dad, and even tho I had seen him just days B4, I got an xxclamation pt in my thot bubble and went running 2 him, all "DADDY!!!"

C, I think I'm all grown up, but then I act like a kid. I have this weird feeling their R old ladies all over North America who R shaking their heads and saying, "Typical teenager." I h8 when that happens.

Well, I'm back. I'll prolly tell U abt my return 2 the TTH in tomorrow's entry.

Apes

Laura musta missed my B-day song, eh?

So I packed cuz I hafta go back home after all. As I was filling my suitcase, Aunt Bev was all, "Packing already!" And I sed, "Yeah. It feels like I just got here!" Which was meant as a mild joke, cuz I DID just get back from my impromptu reappearance in Milborough 4 Mom's b-day. But that flew rite over Aunt Bev's head, so she was like, "U must have had a gd time!" I sed, "I had a gr8 time, Auntie Bev! I worked mostly in surgery this yr." And it crossed my mind that it was weird that I was only just telling her this as I was packing 2 leave. Y haven't we been talking the whole time? Then, my cuzzie Laura came in2 the room, all, "Yep! We let her do a lot! She was rite in there w/the sponges and the clamps, passing instruments and cutting sutures. This kid is so focused, NOTHING fazes her!" And I went, "LAURA!" Then I did that patented Patterson gesture of indignation, where you place one hand on yr sternum, pting @ yrself, and I went, "I am NOT a kid!!!" Laura looked gobsmacked, and Aunt Bev gazed up from under her glasses. I guess it was a look of "silent reproach."

Well, U know, Laura mite not have made that mistake if she'd only listened 2 my birthday song. Remember? "I'm 16, I'm not a kid NEmore. . . . ." If I sang it, it must B true! ;)

Apes

So I useta B the part w/the tail? WTF?

So last nite, Mike ended up sticking me on a redeye flight back 2 Winni, cuz we got an urgent Corbeil-gram saying I was needed @ the farm.

So after I got no sleep last nite, my cousin Laura thot I shd get rite out an' ride the horses, brite an' early this morning. OK, I like riding horses, so I went.

As we were finishing up, I decided 2 channel Keanu Reeves, Everett Callahan (Dad's dental associate), and any number of other random ppl who've picked up the verbal tic, by going "Whoa! That was a great ride!!!" Laura was all, "U're doing well, April! U're PART of that horse, now!" I went, "I always was!" And I guess Laura didn't think I'd adequately accepted her compliment, cuz she went, "Yeah... But now U're the part w/the EARS!" So I useta B a horse LEG, eh? No, of course she meant I useta B its ARSE, but how rude is THAT? I know I didn't deserve that comment, which is Y I reacted by boggling my eyes. I was 2 sleep-deprived 2 formul8 a snappy come-back.

Gah. I need a nap, but I doubt I can get one.

Apes

Mom's B-day--a twofer 4 U

So, like I mentioned in yesterday's comments, Mike made me come home yesterday so we cd have a surprise b-day celebration 4 Mom. It really did catch her by surprise, since her b-day is 2day. [Mike also wrote abt yesterday's celebration--I'm gonna paste his version in below.]

Yeah, well, Mike and Dee had a cake made 4 Mom @ The Pastry Chef. They went an' got it after they brought me back from the airport. It was a huge rectangle cake with pink frosting on the sides, yellow frosting on top, and pink flowers all along one side of the top. Above the flowers were the words, "Happy Birthday Mom"--kinda looking like a kid Merrie's age cda written it. When Mike unveiled the cake, he got a bunch of straight, black lines kinda bouncing out from the top of his head in2 the air. Then he went and grabbed 56 b-day candles 2 put on the cake, but Liz did a pushing-away kinda gesture and sed an image of Mom showing her lower teeth while boggling out her eyes, raising her brows, and having her glasses pop off of her face while the candles made a cloud of smoke over the cake. Mike then spoke an "idea" bulb, and got a drinking glass from the cabinet, and used the glass 2 gouge a hole in2 the cake. Liz and I looked at ea other as the cake projected sum of those same str8 lines that had been jumping outta Mike's head, and Liz shrugged @ me while extending her hands out in front of her, like in an "it was this big" sorta gesture. I knew she was trying 2 do an "I dunno" gesture, but 2 annoy her, I pretended it was an "it was this big gesture." I said, "No way, I'll bet it was more like this," and I held up my pinky. Limply. She got pissed @ me, of course.

NEway, it turned out that Mike had gouged the hole 2 stick an enormous green candle in2 the cake. Then he got Dad 2 bring over Mom, lit the cake, and we all sang "Happy birthday." When it came time 2 say her name, Liz and I sang, "Mom," Robin and Merrie sang, "Grandmaaa," Dad sang, "Elly..." and Mike and Dee both kinda gaped their mouths without singing NE name @ all. Which was weird.

Well, Mom was v. confused when she saw me. She sed, "I thot U were in Winnipeg." I sed, "I was. Mike got me a plane ticket so I cd come home and surprise U." Mike asked, "Mom! R U surprised?" She sed, "Sure, I'm surprised, but U brot her home, U get 2 feed her 2nite and keep her here until U're ready 2 bring her back 2 the airport. Your father and I have special birthday plans and we're not having a teenangster getting in our way. No offense, April." And I sed, "Whatever."

So I'm @ Mike's 2day. I think I'm going back 2 Winni this evening, but I'm not 100% sure. The return ticket Mike got me was open-ended.

Here's what Mike hadta say abt the occasion:

April,

Formerly little sis. Mom’s 56th birthday. I wanted to make it special for her, kind of like it was really her 60th birthday, even though she still has 4 more years to reach that milestone. Deanna and I decided we would get a birthday cake from none other than the store The Pastry Chef. Personally I think it reminds me a lot of a great place I remember from North Bay, Ontario called The Swiss Pastry Chef, who was involved with the Heritage Railway and Carousel Company during their "Adoptions Day" at the Winter Wonderland Carousel.

But such remembrances do not matter. What is important is that my lovely wife, Deanna went to the store and I got mom a birthday cake, and not one of those multi-leveled cakes they had in their windows. I picked it out all by myself, while Deanna went to the Lingerie store nearby to see if they had any pink lingerie to match her all pink outfit. As we were leaving, Deanna remarked that she thought the business buildings were extraordinarily tall and she wondered why the upper windows had no window treatments, but I was so excited about the cake I did not really notice. I even did a little Irish step dancing to celebrate, right there in the street.

We got into our car and as it hovered along the road I once again got the feeling our car always seems to look different every time we drive. But the road near the The Pastry Chef is one of those roads where everything seems to tilt at 15-degree angle, so I was too busy trying to keep the car on the road to think too long about anything else.

Finally, back at our house, the whole family gathered around as I revealed the cake. I was so excited; I could feel little lines flowing out of my head. Liz was there, my lovely Deanna was there, and you were there of course and you had one of the googly-eyed puppets or dolls and you were showing it the cake. It said, “Happy Birthday, Mom!” and it had a picture of 8 flowers, mom’s favourite flowers, the little roses which stick right out of the ground and have no thorns.

I had gotten 56 candles and I was getting ready to light them up when Liz made some kind of hand gesture where her pinky finger was sticking out. For some reason, Liz was speaking in pictograms, but I could clearly see she felt the smoke from 56 candles would overwhelm mom and her glasses would fall off.

So then I raised the French fry which sometimes masquerades itself as my right hand’s index finger, and I decided to use a pictogram too. My pictogram was of a lit light bulb with little black lines coming out of it. This picture was to symbolically indicate how much I liked light bulbs. Liz seems startled, and you had a look on your face which I think you told me meant, “Surely you are not thinking of using a light bulb instead of candles.” “Well, of course not,” I responded as I went for idea #2, flammable dishware.

You crossed your arms and looked at me skeptically, as I reached up for a glass on the top shelf of our cabinet. The cabinet looked especially neat, with even the coffee cups stacked on top of each other. I could tell Deanna had been getting ready for mom to come over.

Not to fear though. I had a cunning plan. Instead of lighting the glass on fire, I would use the glass to cut a circle out of the cake with a FWUMP sound. You looked at me curiously then, but Liz was horrified. I think she said something about “How dare you mutilate mom’s cake? She puts the ‘grand’ in grandma.” I said to Liz, “When will you ever trust me? I know what I am doing.” But Liz just stared at the cake with the hole in left by the glass, and you looked back at that little piece of her hair which kept coming unbunned.

Deanna and I got out an old box of giant candles, she found left by mom from when she moved out. The box was labeled XL Candles, and it actually was extra large candles and not candles with the Roman numeral XL (40) on them, which is good since mom is 56 years old and not 40. We found a one of the candles had already been previously lit, so we decided that was the one to use. After all, we knew it could light, because there was drippy candle wax all around the top of it, which a regular unlit candle would not have. And it was a birthday miracle; I did not have to cut out more from the hole in the cake to put the candle in. After all, candles and glasses are usually not scaled to the same width and circumference.

We were finally ready for mom’s birthday.

I called dad who brought mom over. We sat her down at the table in the chair of honour, and I brought out the cake. We sang “Happy birthday dearrrr….” And then things kind of dragged as each person tried to remember their relationship to mom. You and Liz sang “mom.” My children sang “grandmaaa”. Dad sang “Elly”, Deanna and I sang generic notes because we really couldn’t fit in “great woman without whose old candles this birthday would never have happened”. There was more to the song, but your head got in the way of finishing it.

Mom stared down at the candle for a long time before she blew the candle out. Afterwards, I asked her what she thought of the cake. Her response, “Did you keep the part of the cake you cut out?” She cried when I told her I threw it out. It was a great birthday party, until mom asked where the presents were. I knew there was something I forgot.

Love,
Michael Patterson

BTW, Mike, I didn't have a puppet. That was Merrie (yr daughter) looking v. strange.

Apes

Trust me when I say, BWUH?

More abt Liz telling Candace a buncha stuff she heard abt Anthony and Thérèse.

Candace was all, "So, Y did she have a baby?" And Liz sed, "They'd bought a house. ...I guess she thot she cd buy in2 the whole domestic package!" OK, w8. No. They had the baby and THEN bought the house. This is what Anthony told Mom @ Thérèse's baby shower. Nice try, Lizard. NEway, then she told Candace, "Anthony was thrilled when Françoise was born, but Thérèse became depressed. She went back 2 work and left him w/the baby." Hm, shdn't she have been evaluated and treated 4 PPD (post-partum depression)? I'm surprised Candace didn't bring this up. I've heard of this, and I haven't even studied psych @ university. So, Liz continued w/"She spent more and more time @ work. Eventually she admitted she was having an affair with a co-worker. She asked 4 a divorce, and he agreed. She left him w/the house, the baby, and a lot of debt. ...He's only just started 2 trust again." Candace: "And.... he trusts U?" And then, according 2 Liz, "I gave her one of those meaningful looks and I told her, 'Trust me. ...He does."

OK, bwuh? That's how this retell ends? And what's that supposed 2 mean, that Liz and Anthony have made the beast with 2 backs in his Liz shrine bedroom? And what abt Thérèse's ability 2 trust a guy not 2 lust after an ex-girlfriend and try 2 push her in2 a mold she doesn't fit in (yeah, I know we're supposed 2 think THERESE tried 2 change ANTHONY and that her evil PARENTS R supposed 2 have pushed her towards motherhood and home ownership--but my memory hasn't been wiped out, eh?).

Sorry, Liz, U haven't made me like Anthony this week. Tho I feel loads of sympathy 4 Thérèse.

Wherein Candace chugs the Kool Aid

So, more abt Candace chit-chatting w/Liz abt Anthony and Thérèse's marriage. Liz told Anthony, "Anthony bought Gordon's house and fixed it up. Even tho he planned 2 sell it sumday, Thérèse wasn't happy. She wanted 2 live in the city." Candace was all, "Y didn't they work all that out B4hand?" And Liz sed, "I don't know, Candace." [In case Candace mighta 4gotten her own name 4 a mo there.] Then Liz continued with, "Her mom desperately wanted grandchildren, and her dad kept saying that a house was a gd investment. Being an only child, I think she did many things 4 their sake." Oh, w8, this is a total retcon, ppl. Every1 knows that ANTHONY was all abt having a baby. Oh, and look, T. is all messed up cuz of having been an only. Liz, I guess U better rush in and help Anthony save Françoise from the awful f8 of only-child syndrome.

NEway, Liz sez she folded her arms across her chest and told Candace, "So, there U go again.... U can't change ppl. U have 2 take them as they R." And Candace, chugging a mug that musta been filled with that special Corbeil Kool Aid, was all, "And eventually Thérèse took Anthony 4 all she cd get!" Bwuh? Did she go 2 a Patterson re-education camp? Cuz this doesn't sound like str8-shooting Candace, who C's thru the bull. Let's look @ the facts. Thérèse is the driven career woman, remember? She makes more money than Anthony did. She walked out and left Anthony the house and everything in it. How is that taking him 4 all she cd get? That makes no sense!

Apes

Changing/Not Changing

Liz told me sum more abt when Candace visited her recently. While washing dishes, Liz told Candace, "My brother kept me informed abt Anthony. Even tho we'd stopped seeing ea other, we were still friends." Yeah, and one sure sign of friendship is when one of the friends needs her brother 2 keep her "informed" abt the other friend. Liz continued w/"Anthony and Thérèse were happy 4 a while ...But she wanted 2 change him." Liz took a moment 2 imagine Anthony wearing sum boxer shorts in a garish design and a t-shirt while peeling a banana, with Thérèse looking @ him and thinking "He looks like a fool 2day." I doubt Mike wd have been able 2 "inform" Liz abt this, esp. since she was imagining a pre-mustache Anthony in this little drama, which means a pre-engaged Anthony. Liz never heard abt Thérèse until after Anthony had grown a mustache and gotten engaged. Liz went on w/"She criticized the way he dressed, the way he ate[,] and made him grow a mustache, so he wdn't look like a kid!" Girl, please! When Anthony first grew that mustache, it was all, "Anthony, U grew a mustache!" Like it was a good thing that made him dashing. Now we're getting this version of events cuz most ppl h8ed the stoopid 'stache. Oh, so after this lil bit of her tale of Anthony-woe, she described Anthony @ a restaurant w/Thérèse, about 2 bite in2 a huge sandwich, w/Thérèse interrupting him, all, "Honey, U shd cut that in half!!" Ah, I guess he shd have aligned himself w/a sloppy eater like Liz, eh? Cuz sloppy eating = casual and not putting on airs?

NEway, Liz then sed, "But... U can't change ppl!" And Candace was all, "NO KIDDING! Every time my mom tried 2 change me, I got another piercing--then I got a tattoo! I was intense back then, Liz." And Liz told her, "I know. ....And U haven't changed!" I don't think that's what Candace was going 4, Liz.

So, if this version of events we're getting with Anthony and Thérèse is true, things went bad when they were still dating, and yet they still got engaged. And then things got worse, but they still got married. This makes no sense--unless every1 4gets when the 'stache happened and believe Ant was still stacheless when he and T. married.

Apes

Retconversation about Anthony's Marriage

Liz shared sum more abt her recent convo w/Candace. They were eating chips an' dip in Lizzie's apt and discussing Anthony. Candace was all, "I don't understand Y Anthony married Thérèse in the 1st place." Liz was like, "He was crazy abt her! They met @ a dance club in university." In case U R wondering, this wasn't a normal dance club like most uni students go 2, but a ballroom-dancing club, where every1 dresses up in evening gowns an' suits like they were born during the Great Depression. NEway, then Liz sed, "They R both wonderful dancers. They even entered a few competitions 2gether." Bwuh? Does this sound likely 2 NE1? Liz continued w/"She's elegant and sophistic8ed. She sings and plays the piano. She's outgoing and fun 2 B w/. --She just captiv8ed him!" And Candace asked, "So... what happened?" And Liz, preparing 2 chomp a chip, was all, "I guess 'captiv8ed' b-came 'captured'!" Wordplay again. I suppose Liz used "captiv8ed" 2 ensure she cd do that "captiv8ed/captured" thing. Bleah.

And w8 a minute. With all his Liz-obsession, did Anthony really have time 2 B "captiv8ed" by Thérèse? Instead of being like, "Oh noes, Liz is shacking up w/that Eric guy--I have 2 find a woman 2 get engaged 2! Oh, there's a dark-haired, sharp-featured woman rite there!" IYKWIM.

Apes

Who Liz was/is

Tho Liz made a fuss abt me talking abt her here on the blog, she made a pt of calling me last nite 2 tell me more.

She sez that while she had Candace there @ her apt, Candace held Shiimsa while Liz got snax from the fridge. Liz was all, "Candace, Y R U being so negative?" Was she? Candace sed, "I'm just playing the devil's advocate, OK? I want U 2 C both sides of this relationship! U had the chance 2 B w/Anthony B4, but U didn't take it. What's different abt him now?" Liz sniffed sum onion dip 2 C if it had gone bad, and while doing so, she sed, "I'm the one who's different." Then, Liz put the dip on the table and started 2 dip chips in2 it. Awesum hostessing skills, Liz--just DIG rite in while yr guest stands there an' watches U. NEway, as she was dipping her chip, Liz continued w/"I grew up! And in order 2 d that, I had 2 get away from everything and every1 I knew. I wanted 2 find and who I was." Candace was all, "And?" And Liz, taking a messy bite outta her chip, was like, "I found out who I AM!" Really? And who's that?

Sorry, Liz, but U haven't been acting more grown-up since U've moved back from Mtig, what with the rolling up in2 the fetal position with yr toy bunny, or chasing me around 2 beat on me when I say sumthing U don't like. Making raspberry sounds @ the fone when Warren disappoints U (and did U even let him know U're not available--guess not, B-cuz Anthony is yr "friend"). And I hope that l8r in the week, we learn that Candace talked abt Anthony's icky behaviour. His "W8 4 me" rite after the going-after; his being in luv w/Liz (in a way that was obvs 2 every1) the whole time he and Thérèse were 2gether--from d8ing, thru engagement, marriage, and divorce.

Apes

Sometimes you've just gotta compost!

So, I heard that Liz an' Candace got 2gether recently. Liz is doing her usual kinda denial, cuz when Candace sed, "So, U and Anthony R a couple again!" Liz was like, "We're going slowly, Candace, it's still 'friendship,' OK?" Hrm, it's almost like that "checklist d8" they had the other nite never happened. NEway, Candace was like, "Really! --R U ready 2 take on the responsibility of a child, Liz? What if the ex-wife shows p and causes problems? What if angelic little Francie pulls the 'U can't boss ME around--U're not my mom!' thing?" And it seemz Liz went, "She will... --And I'll handle it! ...I can also handle her mom! Thérèse threw away a wonderful man and a beautiful daughter! --She just ... threw them away!!!" And Candace sed, "And U're in2 recycling!"

Isn't it interesting what Candace did here? Normally, if sum1 tells U that she and a guy R still just in a "friendship," U wdn't go in2 questions that imply U R in a longterm relationship, eh? But that's xxactly what Candace did, cuz she saw rite thru the "friendship" lie. And notice Liz never sez, "Y R U asking me all these questions like I'm abt 2 B Anthony's wife and Francie's stepmom? It's just 'friendship'?" Cuz they both knew that was not true.

So Liz is gonna "handle it," foax--she going to "take on" Françoise! Oh, and if U're thinking that Thérèse cdn't throw away Anthony cuz she never really had him, what w/his being obsessed w/Liz the whole time he was with her, U wdn't B alone!

Apes

Weird checklist d8

So, Luis got a summer job bussing tables @ that new restaurant that's down the street from Mayes Midtown Motors, Romance Eaterie. He sez that he saw Liz and Anthony there, apparently out on a dinner d8 2gether. He noticed that Liz was wearing a teal evening gown w/spaghetti straps and that Anthony was wearing a dinner jacket that almost matched the colour of Liz's dress, xxcept 4 being like a shade darker, a shirt w/skinny blue vertical stripes on a white background, a grey tie and pants that matched the colour of the tie.

It seemz that Liz and Anthony ea brought a checklist. From what Luis cd gather, these seemed 2 B qualities each of them wanted in a romantic partner. While drinking their after-dinner coffee, they were staring deeply in2 ea other's eyez, and they'd take turns reading off something from the list, and the other person was supposta say "check" if this applied to him/her. Then after responding, the one who just answered wd read off of his or her own list. Luis heard Anthony going 1st, saying, "Non-smoker?" And Liz sed, "Check." Then she sed, "Social drinker only!" And Anthony sed, "Check." Luis sed he nearly fell over when he heard this, considering sum of the goss he's heard abt Liz and drinking. One of the waitresses, Mindy, passed by as Luis was almost falling, and she whispered, "Maybe b/c she wants 2 make sure she has a design8ed driver?" Luis thot that was as gd a guess as NE.

So, he heard them going on, like this:

Anthony: Likes camping and outdoor activities?

[Oh, c'mon, these R possibly the 2 most indoorsy ppl in the world!]

Liz: Check! Gets along with ppl?

[Ppl who R not Thérèse?]

Anthony: Check! Has a sense of humour? Likes 2 dance?

[Humour? MayB 4 knock-knock jokes and bad punz. Don't xxpect her 2 laff @ herself, like ever, tho!]

Liz: Check and Check! Has an even temper! Is willing 2 work thingz out!

[Work things out w/ppl who R not Thérèse?]

Anthony: Check! Is financially responsible?

[Ha!]

Liz: Check! Keeps a tidy house, likes 2 cook?

[Cuz Liz will never do these things herself!]

Anthony: Check! Loves children?

[Yeah, that's Y she hid from Robin and Merrie when we were all in the same house!]

Liz: Absolutely! Check!

(Then Liz lost a turn, I guess.)

Anthony: Is honest and sincere?

[MayB U shd ask Paul!]

Liz: Check! Is respectful and faithful?

[Ask Thérèse!]

Anthony: Check! Is willing to make a lifelong commitment?

Liz didn't answer--she just leaned in, pulled Anthony to her by his tie, laying a big kiss on his mouth and, Luis swears up and down, projected a big "" just above their heads. And Anthony turned and raised a finger at his waiter, while yelling, "Check!" Isn't it interesting that Liz didn't actually answer his question about willingness 2 make a lifelong commitment? Way 2 use evasion, eh?

NEway, Luis sez he's seen lots of d8's @ that restaurant, but this is the weirdest one he's seen. Dunc, if this weird d8 sumhow came abt cuz of Charles Wallace and his "Incompetent and Manipulative" SIMS, that wd xxplain a lot.

Apes

More than I wanted 2 know

Dad sent me an e-mail telling me, "April, I'm still a clever fox!" Which made me think, "Bwuh?" Then he backed up and sed that the night of Mom's recent visit w/Gramps, they were getting ready 4 bed, both of them in th bathroom, and he suddenly noticed their bodies were oddly proportioned and that Mom was downright short an' stumpy compared 2 the bathroom sink, which seemed to be built at a weird angle. And the picture on the wall didn't share the same perspective as the mirror that Mom was looking in2, over the sink. And that 2 take his mind off all this, he asked Mom, "How's yr dad?" Mom told him that there's "no change" and that "he's very bad-tempered--which is so hard on Iris." Dad, following Mom into the bedroom, which seemed really big considering the size of the TTH, told Mom, "Growing old isn't easy, Elly. NE1 who's over 80 and doesn't complain has my sincere admiration." Wow, does that mean he holds nothing but contempt 4 the over-80 peeps who DO complain? NEway, Mom answered, "Dad has suffered so much. He's lucky 2 have such a dedic8ed partner. I wonder which one of us will B taking care of the other." Dad sez he got a sudden inspiration, and sed, "I don't know, but we cd start practicing now." And he stretched out on the bed, belly down, 2 get Mom 2 rub his back. And Mom did so, while saying, "U have no shame." And Dad tells me he was all, "...Not when it comes 2 back rubs!"

He wrote, "April, that moment reminded me of those good old days in the early 80s, when I'd make some comment about keeping the little woman in her place, and your mother would over-react. Boy did that take me back." Ooh, I've heard abt those days, of "Chauvinist Dad." Now he's just known as "Choo-Choo Johnny." Ppl who knew him well back in the 80s tell me 2 B glad he spends so much time playing w/his trains.

Apes

Eyes and window washing

So, I heard sum more from Iris, telling me abt Mom's recent visit. Gramps started 2 walk toward the bedroom saying, "Boxcar! Boxcar! Yes!" And Iris told Mom, "He's ready 4 a nap, dear.... I'll B rite back." She went in2 the bedrm w/Gramps and helped him in2 bed. She wrote, "April, while I was tucking your grandfather in, I found myself thinking about our marriage vows. You know, the part where we said, 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part?' Well, I caught myself thinking that until death parts us, it's going to be 'worse' and 'sickness,' and that when I made those vows, I was thinking they meant we stick together through all the ups and downs. But I never imagined we'd reach a point of nothing but down, down, down. And you know, I love your grandfather so much, I felt horrible for having these thoughts, and I thought I must be a horrible person to have them. And next thing I knew, I was crying."

She went on 2 say that when she came out of the bedroom, Mom was all startled, shouting, "Iris! U're crying!" And Iris didn't want 2 get in2 all that w/Mom, so she denied it, all, "No, dear. I .... have just a bit of a cold." And Mom pressed on w/"U R crying!" Mom came up all close when she was saying that, like staring @ Iris's tears so Iris cdn't deny it NEmore. Iris sez she panicked and went 4 sum awkward wordplay: "Let's just say ... if the eyez R the windowz 2 the soul .... I'm washing the windowz."

Aw, poor Iris an' Gramps. I wish I were there 2 make things a bit better. Howard, thanx 4 the e-mail U sent me 2 let me know U'd B checking on them soon.

Apes

Oh, God, do I hafta?

I have to warn U. This l8est bit I just got from Iris ends in a bad, bad pun. Sorry, Iris, I know U were prolly trying 2 fit in w/my mom.

Iris wrote me this:

April, Dear, I know how you like to tell your story in bits and pieces, so I thought I'd try that with your mother's recent visit to see your Grandpa and me. So, here comes the next installment.

Your Grandpa was standing by the window, using his walker for support, and staring out at something. I put one hand on his back and said, "Jim? Elly brought your favourite casserole. I'll make some salad, and we'll have a nice dinner." He didn't say anything, and I walked over to your mom and told her, "He doesn't seem to listen to me. If he is... he doesn't respond." Your mother said, "He's been depressed. Maybe we should ask about increasing his medication." I told her, "But... he's already taking too many pills!" Then I took her into the kitchen to show her all the pills your Gramps takes. I told her, "He takes these before breakfast, those at noon, thse at dinner, and these before bed!" As I put the pills back into their cabinet, I said, "He's so full of chemicals, I call his stomach a hazardous waist site!" I couldn't see your mother at that moment, since she was behind me, but I had a distinct feeling we had a moment of bonding over my pun! She might start thinking of me as "family" after all, April!

Love,

Iris

Aw, Iris, I can understand wanting to fit in, but it's not worth it. Making puns like that just to impress my fam? Well, that's the kind of thing that chips away @ yr soul, I think.

Apes

Consistent?

Yo, I'm sorry I didn't post NE comments yesterday! After Cousin Laura and I finished our rounds @ the veterinary clinic, we had 2 get the horses ready cuz we were showing them @ a fair that's in town! It was really cube, they had all kindsa animals, games, carney rides, petting zoo, and a circus. Tawny won a prize 4 most sardonic expression on a horse's face.

Dunc, yup, Mom's tuna-noodle surprise is worse than her c-food surprise. Honoria, I've gotten sum thank-u e-mails from girls who r all, like, embracing their eating disorders. They sed my posts abt my mom and food have served as perfect reverse-thinspiration and they've all lost w8 b/c of them. Which makes me feel kinda guilty.

So, Iris sent me another message, via her MySpace page, continuing what I reported 2 U all in yesterday's entry. Mom knelt next 2 Gramps's chair, took him by the hand, and sed, "Dad, Iris sez U're not happy w/yr progress." And Gramps was all, "NO!" Mom: "R U walking more comfortably @ least?" Gramps: "NO!" Then he answered "NO!" 2 ea of these: "Can I get U sum tea?" "Wd U like 2 go out?" "R U Hungry?" Then Mom went back over 2 Iris, who was all, "He's been like that 4 a wk! --What shd I tell his doctor?" And Mom replied, "That he's consistent!"

Then Iris wrote, "I know your mother thinks she's helping when she tries to be funny, dear, but really I wanted to know what to say to the doctor. Something that would help him help us, you see? Saying 'he's consistent' wouldn't do that, I'm certain." Nope.

Apes

Comparing stroke patients 2 children

It seems that when Mom made her tuna noodle casserole and burgers recently, she made an xxtra tuna noodle casserole 2 take 2 Gramps and Iris's place. Iris told me abt it in a message she sent me thru her MySpace page. She sed that when Mom showed her the casserole, that Iris sed, "Tuna noodle! Yr dad's favourite!" She let me know that this isn't really Grampa Jim's fave, but she didn't want 2 discourage Mom from taking an interest in Gramps and visiting now and then. After putting the casserole on the counter, Mom asked how Gramps was doing, and Iris told her, "Not gr8 2day. He's acting like a little kid." When Mom went up 2 him all, "Dad?" Gramps shouted "NO!" Then Mom asked Iris, "Age 2?" And Iris sed, "Approximately." Aw, plenty of ppl who R all grown up have that reaction 2 C-ing Mom!

At the end of Iris's message 2 me, she wrote, "April, dear, I'm sure your mother meant well, but when she suggested bringing in your little nephew Robin and Anthony Caine's daughter Françoise, so that your Grandpa could have a playdate with his 'peers,' I had to decline. Your mother tries, I know she does, but there I times I can't help wondering what this dame is thinking!"

Yeah, U an' me both, Iris! NOT cube treating Gramps like a toddler.

Apes

Mom an' Dad's Arteries Called

OK, Mom and Dad's arteries did not call, but I kinda wdn't B surprised if they did. Mom called, not 2 talk 2 me, but 2 check in w/Aunt Bev. After that convo was over, Aunt Bev reported 2 me, "It soundz like yr mother is enjoying her practice run of having an empty nest." I kinda rolled my eyez an' sed that didn't shock me @ all.

According 2 Aunt Bev, Mom had made a dinner where she and Dad ate not only a tuna noodle casserole w/melted cheese on top, but also burgers w/bacon on sesame buns, cole slaw, and strawberry fudge sundaes 4 dessert. I sed, "It soundz like she an' Dad R trying 2 B ded by the time I get home." And Auntie Bev nodded and sed, "It soundz that way, but probably it's your mother's shorthand 4 grabbing the gusto. Her big 'punch line,' if U will, was that U can't call it 'junk food' if it's made from scratch. Of course, U so can, but it wasn't worth arguing with yr mom" I sed I'm thinking of becoming a vegan, and she sed, "U go, girl!"

Apes

Mike's Cookout

Mike wrote in 2 describe a family cookout they just had @ the big house:

April,

[Dear formerly little sister], Since you are stuck in Winnipeg, I thought I would let you know about the great social gathering we had in the back yard of our new house. My lovely Deanna felt we should entertain, since we have the big house now. She said to me, “Who should we invite?” I said, “Naturally, my family and not yours.” Deanna said, “I mean who outside of your family?” I said, “We could invite Gordon and Tracey and their kids.” Deanna agreed. Then I said, “And we could invite my Grandpa Jim and his wife Iris, so Gordon and Tracey will have someone close to their age to talk to.” Deanna said, “I thought Gordon was only one year older than you.” I was confused for a moment; but then I remembered she was right.

Then I got a bright idea. I said to Deanna, “Let’s make it a weird hat party.” Deanna disagreed. However, when I was calling people up to invite them I would say, “It’s a weird hat party.” The only really odd call was to Grandpa Jim and Iris, because when I invited them, Iris broke down and started crying, “It’s been 21 months since we have been invited to Sharon Park Lane. Bless you Mike.” I started to take back my invitation. After all, who wants crying old people at a party? Then I remembered Gordon and Tracey would need them to talk to.

Then I got a call from mom saying how Elizabeth had managed to collar Anthony Caine, so we had to extend an invitation to him too; since he will be family pretty soon. However, I told him that we would not be serving any French food for his half-Quebecoise kid.

As the day arrived, I put on my funny blue hat and began the cooking of the burgers, dogs, and buns on the grill. Anthony Caine showed up and he did not have a funny hat on, but he did have possibly the whitest legs I have seen on a man. He said his daughter told him he looked old in a funny hat, so he decided not to wear one. Gordon and Tracey were there in their funny hats. I knew I could count on Gordon, even though he took his hat off every time Anthony Caine took off his shoes and socks. I didn't understand it, but I was too busy to question him about it. When he arrived, I gave him a beer, and said, “The old folks are back there, if you need someone to talk with.” He and Tracey sat down with Grandpa Jim and Iris. I noticed only Grandpa Jim was wearing the funny hat. Of course dad showed up with his choo-choo engineer hat for his weird hat.

The burgers were so sizzling, they sizzled with an extra ‘z’. I was master of my domain. The king of cooking. As I lifted each burger off the grill with my two-pronged fork, I realized that burgers fall off those pretty easily. Then I was the prince of picking up burgers off the ground before Edgar got them. I really wish mom and dad had left those dogs back at their house. They top my list of animals not to bring to a picnic.

Mom was an eating machine. While she was passing out shrimp, she ate almost half the entire shrimp plate. The first burger of the day went to Paul Mayes, Gordon’s oldest. Gordon held him in his arms and I said without thinking, "You and your grandfather look really good together." Of course, I corrected my mistake.

Later I put all the hamburgers and hotdogs into buns and ran though the mustard and Ketchup to make sure each burger was properly marinated. I passed these around to everyone, and I saw mom grab a burger while she still had her hands on the hotdog. Some people complained they didn’t want mustard or ketchup on their burgers, but they weren’t wearing a funny hat, so I ignored them.

Apparently, my son has never seen his grandmother eating before, and it was quite an eye-full for someone that young. This is kind of odd since we all lived together for 7 months, but I cannot remember a time when we all sat down to eat together in that time. Can you?

Then Mom pronounced, “Whooohh!! If I eat one more thing, I am going to blow up.” My son took what mom said at face value, and started screaming for me, when my daughter offered mom a marshmallow she cooked for her. I got to my son and said, “What’s the problem, and thanks for asking for me and not your mom this time.“ He explained to me why he was scared. I didn’t have to hear any more. I grabbed my son, threw him to the ground and covered his body with mine to protect him from the blast. Lucky for us, the blast didn’t come. It would have injured quite a few people if it did. I congratulated my son for warning us. We did have to ask mom to sit away from us, until she had digested enough not to be a threat to anyone.

Love,
Michael Patterson

LOL, Mike, U R just as literal-minded (no, not "literary-minded") as yr 2 yr, 9 mo old on! Yeah, I've described sum tymes when the whole fam have eaten 2gether, but I guess Robin had 4gotten.

Apes

Keeping Liz

Well, Mom told me she ran in2 Anthony and Françoise at the grocery store recently. She sed, "April, if I didn't know that girl was going to be two and a half next month, I'd swear she was @ least seven!" It seemz that after Anthony introduced Mom as Lizzie's mother, Francie was all, "Oh, it's such a pleasure 2 meet U ma'am! My father is quite fond of yr daughter! We went out 4 a caramel fudge Sunday this past Monday, and I got 2 have the cherry on top! Daddy sed, 'Whoa! That was filling! I'm glad we got 3 spoons!' And Miss Elizabeth got up and sed, 'I'll B rite back,' and went 2 the washroom. I was hoping she didn't go in there 2 purge. Bulimia is such a friteful illness! But I didn't want 2 worry Daddy, so instead I sed, 'Daddy? Is she a good friend?' And Daddy told me, 'Yes, she is.' That did not satisfy me, Mrs. Patterson, so I pressed on: 'Like, a really, really, really good friend?' Daddy answered, 'Yes, Elizabeth is a really, really, really good friend.' And I sed, 'Then...' and in2 Daddy's ear, whispered, 'Can we keep her?'"

Mom sed she called Liz rite away and told her, "Well, now U have 2 marry Anthony! That darling little girl clearly luvs U and wants U 2 B her new Mommy!" And Liz told Mom she was bizzy and wd hafta call her back.

NEway, not 2 much 2 tell @ the mo up here in Winni. Tho Steve tells me one of his puppies is v. attached 2 me and wd like 2 B able 2 keep me. I'm not sure how he knows this, but there U go.

Apes

Edit: In case U haven't had a chance 2 follow the comments l8ly, it loox like Jeremy Jones solved the mystery of the "Van Daam curse" (where their 1st-born males were dying freakish, accidental, tulip-rel8ed deaths @ age 16), and then died rescuing Honoria Forsythe and Bronson Van Daam from being crushed 2 death by tulips! And no1 is giving Jeremy NE credit 4 this!

OMG, Anthony IS just like Dad!

. . . . And I don't mean that as a compliment!

Like I sed, Liz an' I talked on the fone a bit last nite. She sed she was finally dun w/her reminiscences w/Anthony abt the wedding, and she got back 2 talking abt her "polite playdate" in the park w/Anthony and Francie.

Sounding much older than almost-2.5, once again, Francie came running over 2 the bench where Liz and Anthony were sitting. Francie was all, "Daddy, Daddy! Can I have an ice cream?" Anthony went, "Not now. We haven't had lunch yet. How abt after lunch?" And Francie was like, "I want sum NOW! Please, Daddy? Please, please, please, please, PLEEASE?" Liz sed she leaned 4ward, put a hand on Francie's shoulder, and asked, "Y don't we have lunch and save space 4 a giant fudge and caramel sundae?" Francie went, "OK!" Then Liz turned 2 Anthony and sed, "I shdn't usurp yr parenting!" Meanwhile, Francie had grabbed Liz by the hand and was pulling on her while asking, "What does 'usurp' mean?!" Then Anthony grabbed Francie's other hand, the 3 of them started 2 walk, went in2 silhouette, and Anthony gave what musta been the most John Pattersonesque answer he cd think of: "It's the sound 3 ppl make when they're eating a giant fudge and caramel sundae!"

Liz was like, "April! Isn't it gr8 how much Anthony is like Dad?" And I sed "No, it's kinda creepy, and besides, I think it really suxx 2 tell a little kid sumthing wrong like that cuz U think it makes a cute joke. Dad useta do that all the time w/us, but I remember whenev I found out he'd dun that, I'd feel really betrayed. And now poor little Françoise thinks that mess is what 'usurp' really means." Liz called me a stupid picky face and hung up on me.

Apes

Years and time and waiting

Last nite, Liz called me 2 yell @ me 4 suggesting she can't tell the diff betw a babybot and and little girl w/a babybot brandname tattooed on her neck. But she soon changed the subj over 2 Anthony and what they talked abt 2 months ago @ Shawna-Marie's wedding reception (hey, don't yell @ me 4 being back on the wedding--this is LIZ'S doing!).

Liz sed that she an' Anth were on that stone bridge @ that country club where the wedding reception was. They both leaned over the side, and Liz kind of snuggled up 2 him. Anthony was all, "After all these yrs, Elizabeth. After all these yrs!" What a weird thing 2 say! And Liz went, "I know." Then Anthony sed, "I shd have asked U 2 marry me when we were both in university." And Liz was all, "I wasn't ready then, Anthony." Anthony asked, "R U ready now?" Liz sez she was s00per-xxcited, cuz she thot Anthony was "finally" popping the question, yet she also wanted 2 play it sorta cool. She was like, "2 get married? Perhaps... How abt U? Do U want 2 get married again?" Then she sez her heart sank when he put his arm around her as they started 2 walk off of the bridge and told her, "Sumday. But... I'm not in a rush. I can w8. ...After all this time."

WTF? And Y R we getting this all as a flashback, LIZ?

Apes

So the 'Stache was THERESE'S Fault?

Liz sent me one of her long txt messages. Good thing I upgraded my fone plan 2 free unlimited txt messaging:

@ sm's wedding rec, i asked ant. y he shved the mustache. ant. said his dghter asked him 2. her mother said it made ant. look prof. ...francie said it made him look old. now when he looks in the mirror he thinx his face is missing smthing. i tell him it is and say 'this' and i lay a big kiss on his face!

Wow, so Francie got the whole concept of shaving off a moustache, rather than thinking it was like sum permanent part of Daddy's face, and she got the idea of him looking older w/it and younger without? And she's only two? I think there must have been a day when she was playing in that little kiddie jailhouse of hers, when Anthony got distracted, and sum1 replaced his toddler with a mini-adult. Oh, and the mustache was Thérèse's idea/fault? Right, OK.

Apes

Wherein Liz Reminisces with Anthony on Recent History

Well, Dad stopped by @ Gordo's Garage an' Grill yesterday afternoon 2 ask Anthony if he's flossing regularly, but the real reason was 2 press him abt what happed w/Liz @ the park yesterday morning. It seems that after their "polite"/"careful" conversation, Liz went in2 reminiscing/flashback mode, talking abt Shawna-Marie's wedding. According 2 Dad, who called me 1st thing this morning, Liz was all, "Ppl came looking 4 us after the weddng, but we hid in the rose garden giggling like kids. It was a perfect nite... A clear starry sky, both of us in evening clothes. --It was all so romantic." She reminded Anthony about having sed, "Anthony, what time is it?" And she reminded him that he'd been all, "That's the second time U've asked me. --Do U want the nite 2 B over?" And Liz had been like, "No... I don't want it 2 END!"

Dad was a bit confused. He wanted 2 know, since these events were so recent and both of them had been there, Y'd it been necessary 2 review this stuff. Anthony is apparently still nervous abt giving Pattersons enuf praise, so he was like, "Dr. P! What an insightful question! Well, of course your eldest daughter, the lovely Elizabeth, is a rare creature, with mysterious ways. I'm just happy to go along 4 the ride and not make mistakes. Which reminds me, I need 2 call Michael 4 sum more advice!"

Bleah. Well I had an awesum time @ the "April Patterson Festival" here @ the farm in Winni. The bands were all AWESUM! 2day Laura and I R going horseback riding after brekky and then we'll go 2 the veterinary clinic.

Apes

Being Careful

Well, I accidentally ended up staying @ a hotel w/the Forsythe fam last nite, and early this morning, I got a call from Mom on my cell reminding me that my flight 2 Winni is this afternoon, so I'd better get back rite away 2 finish packing and getting ready. I got the earliest bus I cd, and it dropped me off by the park, which I had 2 cross thru on my way back 2 the TTH.

On my way thru the park, and I noticed that Liz was with Anthony and Françoise in the playground, which I hadta cross thru on my way home. I didn't wanna listen in, but I ended up catching part of their convo NEway.

Liz and Anthony were standing by the benches, and Françoise was all, "Daddy? Can I play on the swings?" And Anthony was all, "Sure! We'll B rite here." Which kinda surprised me, cuz Francie is abt a month shy of two and a half, and w/kids that age, most parents don't let them run off and do the swings by themselves. Usually 2.5-yr-olds use those special swings where they're strapped in, like a big plastic car seat. But the Mboro Park playground doesnt seem 2 have that kind.

Well, as Francie was off 2 the swings, Liz was all, "Françoise is such a beauty, Anthony." Anthony sed, "I think so. ...She has the best of Thérèse and me." Then he paused and sed, "Thanks 4 coming 2 the park w/us this morning." Liz went, "Thanx 4 asking me." And Anthony was like, "We're being very polite 2 1 another, Rn't we!" Liz was all, "I think... after C'ing ea other @ the wedding.... ....We're being careful."

That was all I heard on my way passing thru the playgd.

Apes

Washers and bad "fax" puns

Mike wrote sum stuff abt getting a new washer and dryer:

April,

Formerly little sis. Sometimes wives can be mysterious creatures. As you know, mom and dad had agreed to leave behind all their appliances when they moved, in order to provide me and Deanna with furniture, since we lost all ours in the apartment fire last December, and so mom could get all new things in your new house. I thought this was very gracious of mom and dad. However, we were not in the house for very long before Deanna had visited mom and dad and after viewing their new washer and dryer, she decided she wanted one of those too.

Obviously we couldn’t afford that, but Deanna talked to dad who talked to Gordon Mayes who gave us the card of a man who could get us a new washer and dryer, except there were some conditions. They were not the newest of new with the fancy touch-operated buttons. They still have the old-fashioned dials. We had to transport and install it ourselves from where the man had it stored in a van down by the Sharon River. It was an odd situation, but certainly worth it for the price, and especially for Deanna’s satisfaction at having a new washer and dryer.

Lawrence and Nick had barely got it into the house, when Deanna wanted to wash some clothes. She had been letting them build up. My son went along to observe his mother, and also to get his stuffed bear washed (don’t ask). My daughter was…um…I am not exactly sure where she was at the time. I was just getting ready to start working on my second novel again after Lawrence and Nick left, when I heard my lovely Deanna say, “Michael, the washing machine won’t work…and we just bought it!!

I could tell my wife’s happiness was waning. I went over to her near the washer and dryer to comfort her, but I was distracted by her low-cut blouse and said, “Hmmm…” I pretended to be thinking of a solution, when in reality, I was actually looking intently at my wife, trying to get as much height as I possibly could, in order to improve the view. I noticed my son had a fierce grip on my leg and I wondered why. I looked more carefully at my wife and saw the storm clouds overhead. My son has learned to fear his mother’s storm clouds, and I believe he did that much earlier than I did when I was growing up.

Not satisfied with my Hmmm-ing to solve the problem, my lovely Deanna decided to take the man who sold us the washer to task, in order to make herself feel better, I suppose. I heard her say, “I’m gonna call the guy who sold it to us!” Then I heard a sound I hadn’t heard in awhile, the sound mom makes when she is mad about something. It is something akin to listening to a herd of pigs snort, as you know. Who else does that kind of thing? Deanna does, when she is in a rage.

Well, I had to have something to cover that pig sound, so I checked to see if the washer and dryer were hooked up properly and discovered the washer had never been plugged in. Once I plugged it in, it made a nice “HUMMMSHHHHH” sound which covered Deanna’s noises nicely. I said, “Deanna! I forgot to plug in the washing machine! It’s OK!!!”

Then I heard Deanna complaining about not being able to contact the salesperson who sold us the washer, and she was going to…FAX him. I didn’t even know we had one of those machines, but we do. I managed to stop her just in time, by saying, “If it ain’t broke, then don’t FAX it!” That’s a hilarious joke, and I laughed and laughed the whole time Deanna was hitting me.

Wives are certainly mysterious creatures, formerly little sis.

Love,
Michael Patterson

My condolences about Dee making those Mom-like sounds when she gets angry. I wouldn't wish that on NE1. Terrible pun, by the way, esp. since I get the impression that this whole sitch happened just so U cd make up that pun. ::shudder::

Apes

Shanmail

Shortly after the telethon was over, I received an e-mail from Shannon:

Hi, April guess what! The telethon made 45 thousan bucks!! It's all for kids with special neds. Thank you for singing. You and Eva were really good. I'm glad Becky is nice to you again. I stayed for all the 24 hours. It was very cool. Mr Mays who own the big car company ask me to help with the telethon next year and guess what I said yes!! Now why? Cause you help me have self confidence. I am different for a reason and I am going to make a difference.

Love, Shannon.

P.S. If you ever ned a fiend, pls let me now.

After I read the e-mail I smiled and didn't even have a lame thot bubble. NEway, I think we're finally dun focusing on the telethon here @ this blog. 2morrow oughta B the usual sumthing diff, and Monday, who knows? Shannon, I don't think I ned a fiend, but I can always use a friend. :)

Apes

Lying in bed accepting my lot in life

So after Dad WHUMPed me w/that pillow 4 calling him "square," Mom's voice came from their room all, "Quit making such a racket!" Dad left my room and I got myself ready 4 bed.

As I was lying in bed, I had this weird feeling of having my brain programmed. Like some1 was overwriting part of my brain. Freaky. And all the while, I was having the most stilted, self-effacing thots: "I guess I do have a good life. I have a good family. I'm not 2 dumb and I'm not 2 ugly. I'm good @ music, and I'm good @ math. I think I know what I want in life.... and if I work hard--I'll get there. I have cool friends ... not 2 many enemies. I know how 2 cook an' how 2 look after myself. I guess I have nothng 2 complain abt!" Then I rolled over, closed my eyes, smiled, and thot, "But.....I'll find stuff." Yeah, like mayB I'll think of how no1 thanked me 4 all the accommodations I made when we were all crammed in2 the old house. Or the fact that my idiot brother doesn't believe me that I'm still in Milborough. Speaking of which, I'm on my way over there so he can C 4 myself. What is his prob, NEway? He gets misdelivered letters from sum1 else and suddenly he won't believe I'm still here?

Apes

Square hit me w/a rectangle

I'm finally up 2 the part where Dad and I got home after the telethon. As he was pulling the 'vASSe in2 the garage, he was all, "We're home! --Well... it's the NEW home." Which is kinda weird, y'know, st8ing the obvs, as if 4 the benefit of inattentive ppl listening in on our convo. And I was like, "That's OK. I'm starting 2 accept it." Then I figged I'd go 4 broke and show I'd assimil8ed all those "U're spoiled and U don't know how gd U've got it" talks ppl have shoved @ me, by being all "B-sides, compared 2 sum kids, I've got it pretty gd. I have a roof over my head, a bed 2 sleep in and 2 squares every day." Dad turned on my bedroom lite and I went in2 my room carrying my guitar as Dad sed,"That 3 squares: breakfast, lunch and dinner!" I sed, "Nope... I mean 2 squares!" I put my guitar down on my bed and jabbed a finger in2 Dad's chest 2 show him that in outd8ed 1960s parlance, HE was one of the 2 "squares." His response was 2 grab one of my (rectangular) pillows and WHUMP me on the hed w/it, so hard that my hair clasp went flying out of my propellor bun, his glasses went flying up off of his face, there was a star pattern over my hed, and motion lines in the air. Well, sum of U don't know how gd U have it! U have normal dads who don't WHUMP them really hard with a pillow 4 making a mild joke @ their xxpense. And 4 those of U who have it so gd as that, I have one question. Do U have room 4 one 16yo girl who plays the guitar, likes granola cereal with milk in the morning, and doesn't take up v. much space?

Apes

Fame = Dry Cleaning?

More abt my convo w/Dad when he was driving me home after the telethon. I tried 2 take my mind off the fact that Dad's 'vASSe was hovering even higher than usual by talking sum more abt Becky. I sed, "Becky was actually nice 2 me 4 a change." Dad sed, "MayB she liked yr singing!" Hmph, like that wd B the only reason 4 her 2 B nice. I sed, "Who knows. NEway.... She sed how lucky I was NOT 2 B famous, 2 have a regular home and parents who were still married 2 each other. She sed if she cd trade lives w/me, she wd!" Dad was all, "So, ... wd U trade lives w/HER?" I sed, "No way!" Then I sensed that Dad was fishing 4 compliments, and I didn't feel like being all complimenty @ that moment, so I thot of the 1st dumb thing my tired brain cd think of:" "4 one thing, she has 2 wear these wild, amazing costumes nite after nite after nite!" And when Dad asked me what was wrong with that, I was all, "...They're not washable." I was hoping that wd confuse him (which isn't that hard I guess) and it seemed 2 have worked cuz he had a stubbly, gobsmacked face.

Sum of U may B wondering Y Becky and I wd even hafta have such a convo, since we pretty much had this convo back in Sept. But Becky and I seem 2 B stuck on a loop. I hope we get 2 move 4ward this time, but I dunno.

Dunc, it turns out Becky made a typo mispoke when she sed "grade 11." She really meant 2 say "3 grade 10 classes." U R totally rockin' the Gems! I've gotten up 2 level 900, but then Mom or Dad comes along and wrests the controls away from me and turns off the TV!!!

Apes