I speak stilty, yo

Ger's having a party 2nite 4 NYE. Wow, I can't believe my NYE is possibly getting attention this yr. It's almost alwayz Mike and/or Liz and their celebrations, like @ Gordo's parties. Lotsa ppl had gd money on Anthony popping the Q 2 Liz @ Gordo's NYE party.

NEhoodles, so I d-cided 2 put on my new NYE dress this morning as kind of a preview, and Dad was all, "So, New Year's Eve is @ Gerald's place!" And I sed, w/that patented closed-eyed Patterson smug look, "Yup! There'll B 8 couples --how do I look?" I've been watching that show from the U.S.'s Style network, How Do I Look, w/Finola Hughes. Dad was like, "U look beautiful, April! It's hard 2 believe U're my little girl." I put one hand on Dad's chest, xxtended the other one palm up, and was all, "I'll alwayz B yr little girl, Pop!" Then I put one hand on my sternum, Patterson style, and was all, "I mean, I'll soon talke off 4 university, then I'll have a career and an apartment an' I'll travel and get married sumday and mayB move far away, but..." And as I was saying that while also thinking, "Who TALKS like this?" Dad cut in w/"STOP!!" And then he hugged me an' sed, "I'd better get all the hugs in while I can!"

So, yeah, I'm going 2 a NYE party @ Ger's house. U mite B wondering if Ger an' I R back 2gether and whether Jeremy and I Rn't NEmore. Well, it's kinda complic8ed, and.... Well, I'll have 2 xxplain 2 U as the NYE story unwinds.

Apes

Gramps Deathwatch for the New Year

Hey, every1, so it's New Year's Eve Eve, eh? Gramps had such a gd time writing that e-mail I shared w/U yesterday, he's sent me another:

Dear April,

Well, I'm still here! Can you believe it? These days, I never can. I have another story to share with you. It's a little thing I call "Gramps Deathwatch for the New Year." Please use that as the title of your next blog entry if you share this message with your friends. It sounds cynical, I know, but I think it captures my story perfectly.

My building had an early New Year's party. I guess they figured at our age, we don't stay up to watch the ball drop anyway, so might as well have the celebration a couple of days early. Iris got me into a dress shirt, tie, and dinner jacket, and wheeled my chair to the elevator. The rec room was decorated with streamers, balloons, and a large "HAPPY NEW YEAR" banner. This brought back memories of my high-school gym dressed up for school dances.

At about ten seconds before 8 PM, we were asked to pretend it was almost midnight so that we could simulate the new year's countdown. Once everyone had counted down, those of us who have the power to speak (read: not me) yelled out "Happy New Year!" And used those damn fool noisemakers that hurt my ears. Ow! Then a white-haired crone with scary, spider hands played the pianna while those with voices sang "Auld Lang Zyne." Then they segued into "We're All Together Again." When the song came to "And who knows whennnn we'll be all together againnnn" I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, that Iris was giving me a sidelong glance that was both sad and pointed. See what I mean about "deathwatch," April? She gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I sensed she was probably thinking "Happy New Year, Jim." That was kind of odd (not the kiss, the confining herself to thoughts). Usually, Iris is the one who speaks out loud, and I am the one reduced to my thoughts.

Odder still, I experienced the whole evening without thinking at all. I was in some kind of a weird, "Zen" state, I think the New-Agey types call it.

Well, Happy New Year in advance, in case I don't make it to '08.

Love,

Grandpa Jim

Aw, Gramps, I wish U wdn't say things like that! Happy New Year 2 U an' Iris.

Apes

Depressing thots from Gramps

Guess what? I got an e-mail from Grandpa Jim.

Hello, April! I'll bet you are surprised to receive e-mail from your old gramps! Well, my physiotherapist is a wonderful woman, and as you can see, she has gotten me to the point where I can type again.

Iris and I have been following your stories about the "Christmas" dinner, and I thought you might be interested to know what happened on our end after that gathering.

Iris, God bless her, feels the need to fill in for my silence by speaking for the both of us. I can't blame her. I might be the same way if our positions were reversed. But I confess, it does grate at times.

Anyway, Iris had exited the Para-Bus at our building's unloading dock, and while I was being wheeled out, I noticed that Iris, Simon the driver/aide, and I had all gone into that weird, white silhouette-with-outlines people go into from time to time in Milborough. It was snowing in large, elliptical snowflakes, and the wind was visibly blowing in swirl formation. Iris said, "Thank you very much, Simon." And Simon replied, "You're welcome, Mrs. Richards," as he is wont to do.

As Iris wheeled me to the elevator, she said, "That was nice, wasn't it, Jim." That was a statement, rather than a question. This depressed me, since it reminded me that I couldn't answer and a response was not expected. She continued, "It's good to be with family." As she pressed the "up" button for the elevator, she said, "You were the patriarch tonight! Everyone was so proud to have a great-grandfather at the table!" I know that Iris means well, but I did not see any evidence that this was true. I was mostly ignored, and I had the distinct impression that most of my family were thinking cruel, uncharitable thoughts during Mira Sobinski's lovely grace. I think she was the only other person at the table who understood the spirit of the season. Oh, I know that you "get it," too, April, but as you know, you had been banished to the kids' table in the kitchen. If only I could have talked, I would have argued that we should put those two tables together so that everyone could be in one place for the dinner.

While wheeling me into our apartment, Iris prattled on, "And you stayed until the end of the evening. --As Christmases go, that was a first!" Then I had a thought, which oddly felt as though it was the final statement in a quasi-delusional 60-year-old woman's once-funny, now soap-opera comic strip: "As Christmases go, my deareast Iris... It might be my last."

I know that was a terribly depressing thought, April. But I don't seem to be getting better (past reaching the point where I can write this, for which I am grateful), and I don't think my ability to speak will ever come back. You reach a certain point where life ceases to be enjoyable, and though I hate the thought of leaving behind loved ones, like you and Iris, I know I'll be in a better place when I finally go. And we'll all meet again someday, so I don't fear death.

Well, that was altogether too serious for a moment, there. Oh, and I want to let you know that the high point of our evening was when you played the guitar and sang for us, April. It was kind of unfortunate when your big sister tried to harmonize, though. She's really let her vocal exercises lapse over the years. Oh, and when Robin grabbed hold of your guitar and yanked at the strings until they broke? It's sad that his parents have failed to teach him that this is a bad thing to do. Iris has ordered some more strings for you, and they should arrive in the coming week.

Well, this has been longer than I anticipated, but it just feels so good to be able to write to you! Best wishes for a wonderful new year! May you and your friends realize your dreams and goals for 2008.

Love,

Grandpa Jim

Aww, thanx 4 writing, Gramps. It makes me sad that U R feeling that death wd B better than life, but I think I understand what U R talking abt. And I'm glad U enjoyed my guitar playing. Thanx 2 U and Iris 4 ordering more strings.

Oh, 4 the anon poster who wanted 2 know if Gerald still reads and posts here. He still reads here, but hasn't posted 4 a while. We've stayed friends, but things have been a bit awkward between us. IM sure he will B interested 2 know abt his name meaning "strong lance" in ancient German. He luvs that kinda thing!

Apes

Zzzzzz

Well, in case NE1 wondered what happed @ the TTH rite after our so-called Xmas dinner this past Sunday (I know U weren't), when Dad was pulling the car in2 the driveway, Mom was all, "Oh, What's-er'-name, er, April, all those dishes from the desserts have 2 B brot in and washed. I know U won't mind. We'll catch up w/U inside."

So, as I was taking the dishes in2 the kitchen 2 wash 'em, I cd hear Mom and Dad having a dull convo as they put away their coats. Dad was being all, "Well, that was wonderful! The tree, the gifts, the decorations and the dinner.... The whole family was there in the true spirit and joy of the season!" Yeah, nuthing sez "Yuletide" like sequestering the yungest members of yr fam in the kitchen and thinking evil thots while a well-meaning in-law sez grace. Mom sed, "Yes--I think that was one of the best Xmas evenings I've ever had!" Then, I had a hunch she was thot-bubbling, so I peeked out from the kitchen, and sure enuf she had a thot bubble, all "...It was @ sumbody ELSE'S house!!!" Mom looked disturbingly manly as she was thinking that.

So, let's C. U know what happed w/Mom an' Dad rite after the dinner, and U know abt Liz an' Anthony. I predict that there will B sum sharing 2morrow abt Mike and Dee's reaction 2 the dinner. Not mind, b-cuz I'm not considered important enuf. Oh, and Liz d-cided 2 write in sum more last nite w/sum bonus info 4 U interested readers:

April,

Okay, well, I promised to tell you more about what happened between me and Anthony, let's just say that he was very persistent, and I had to be very insistent about guarding my secondary virginity, well, finally, Anthony asked why I wouldn't let him "slip one past the goalie" (yes that's how he put it) and I explained to him it was a curse, if we did it before marriage, we would never walk down the aisle, well Anthony asked how far we were allowed to go, and I checked the handy little "Sexual Purity Guide" that the Johnston Institute puts out, and it turns out that premarital fondling of certain body parts normally kept hidden by underpants is okay, as long as the room is totally dark and it's just the woman doing the man, after all, a good woman does not experience s-e-x type pleasure, she just does it for the babies, anyway, it was awful, by morning my palms were rubbed raw, and Anthony was passed out across the bed sideways with his man-thing hanging out, and Frenchy came wandering down the hall, yelling for her daddy, turns out we were so wrapped up in our whole negotiation thing that we left her in the car seat last night and she spent the night in the garage which is fortunately attached to the house but is still cold as a refrigerator, she seems okay, just a little blue-ishy, but that went away after I plunked her down next to a heating vent before I left to go to the drugstore to buy salve for my hands, April, when you turn 18, you would be smart to just marry Gerald right away, so you don't have to go through years of this kind of agony, it is almost like some ugly old woman is drawing my "story" out to torture me.

Liz

OMG, poor Francie! What agencies do we call 2 intervene w/the kind of neglect?!?!?!?!

And I dunno if Ger wd even B interested NEmore in marrying me when we turn 18. I heard a rumour that Becky dumped Dustin Jimberlake and started d8ing Ger, in spite of her dad's wishes.

Apes

Liz gives Ant a hoooooooooooooooooooooooome

Liz has sumthing 2 share abt the car ride after our "Xmas" dinner this past Sunday:

April,

Well after we left and got in the car after dinner Anthony drove me to my apartment and we were quiet the whole way with nothing to talk about as usual until we got to my apartment, at which point Anthony said, "Here's your apartment," which was good, because sometimes I don't recognize it, and then he so thoughtfully asked me if I had my keys, because I tend to lose them a lot, which is why Ugly Brother gave me Super Glue for Christmas, he keeps saying I should glue the keys to my hand, ha ha!, anyway, then I said, "Yes," because I did have my keys, I came up with a non-glue solution, I keep my key on a chain around my neck, like the latchkey kids in Mtigwaki do, anyway, I said, "I'm glad you liked my family," and Anthony said, "I've always liked your family, Liz," which confused me, until I remembered that oh yeah, we dated for like a million years, so Anthony met them a bunch of times before, gosh, I can be so dumb sometimes!, I also thought Anthony must be confused, because he called me "Liz," and I know he got that memo, anyway, before I could correct him, he said something about how Francie got along great with Robin and Merrie, which he seemed to think was a good thing, which confused me, because who cares if Francie gets along with them?, it's not important, but Anthony was talking about my family getting along with what is technically sort of his family, and I figured that was a good sign, so I said it was a blessing, or whatever, some nonsense stuff like Mom told me to talk whenever I don't understand what's going on, anyhow, it worked, Anthony touched me (appropriate like on the shoulder and arm) and said I was a blessing in his life, he said it like two times, and I almost said "I'm not deaf" but then I decided maybe he was just trying to say I'm like a super blessing, anyway, I tried to look demure, but then Anthony backed off, so I gave him a chaste hug to get him thinking of romancy stuff again, and he started talking about how we had some "intense relationships" and "great adventures" and that confused me, I was wondering what great adventures he thought he had, I mean, all he did was hang out in Milborough and marry Therese, it's not like he went up north and became totally Native like me and got a spirit name, I was about to complain about that, but then Anthony said something about wondering where life would take us next, and I was like, Duh, we're supposed to get married and have babies and live in Milborough forever and ever! but I didn't say that, I decided to give him a vague hint like a proper Patterson lady does, I said, "Let's go home, Anthony," because if we were sharing a home, we would obviously be married, and this was supposed to be a hint that he should marry me and make us a home, but instead Anthony thought it was permission for a booty call, and he said, "Yes, let's go home," and started up the car and drove us back to his house!!!, I was freaking out, as you know, if a Patterson or Richards woman Does It with a man, her special allure goes away and they never marry you, that happened with me and Eric and I am not letting it happen again!!!, I was totally freaking out the whole time we were driving back to his place, about how to keep Anthony from doing the sexy stuff with me, I remembered how Mom says it's best to wear ugly flannel nightgowns, and face cream at night, and complain about headaches or hot flashes or worries about the children or a malfunctioning sphincter, and scratch your ass a lot, and that keeps away the s-e-x, but I didn't know what to do, and Anthony's manly passions were so inflamed, he kept revving the engine on his station wagon and roaring, "I'm taking you HOOOOOOOME, baby!", and then Frenchy would wake up and whine and say stuff like, "Papa, could you please keep the decibel level below 100 when I am trying to enter REM sleep?" and Anthony would say, "Oh, I'm sorry Francie, Daddy just got his foot stuck under the accelerator and a few toes were amputated, I'm just bleeding to death up here, no worries, ha ha!" and then Frenchy would freak out like the little jerk she is and scream herself silly, until she fell back to sleep, and Anthony would gun the engine again and shout something like, "Papa's getting LAAAAAIIID!!!" and then Frenchy would wake up again and scream, and on and on it went.

More about what happened tomorrow, it was like a nightmare, so I can't tell all the details now, I need to get a decent night's sleep before I am strong enough to tell you, don't worry, I will leave out some details, if I tell you the true nature of manly passions April I am afraid you will decide once and for all never to get married, and Mom made me promise not to scar you like that, she is so sure you are going to turn out to be one of those dried-up career women who doesn't realize marriage, babies, and Milborough are the keys to happiness in life, all I can say is, they better be, what I have gone through was not pretty, but my allure is at least intact it seems.

Liz

Hm, well, the beauty part is that Mom has two daughters (tho she has a habit of 4getting I xxist). If one of thoze daughters duz all the stuff Mom thinks a Milborough woman is supposta do, then mayB she'll not care so much if/when I decide 2 do thingz a diff way.

And poor Francie, again. Remember foax, Paypal. Therapy fund.

Apes

They've only just begun ... 2 bore U!

So, after Jeremy an' I left Howard's place last nite, we were walking back 2 my house, and who shd we run in2 but Anthony. He had Françoise on his shoulders, and she was, like, asleep, using Ant's head as a pillow.

Anthony was all, "Hello, future sister-in-law and her consort!" Jeremy sed, "Isn't it a bit l8 2 B out w/yr not-even-3-yo? She's so xxhausted she's fallen asleep." Anthony sed, "Don't mind her. I'm not the kind of parent who rearranges his life 2 accomod8 a yung child. She has 2 learn 2 fit in2 my life!" I sed, "She's v. v. yung, Anthony. U have 2 make sum adjustments. . . ." And he cut me off, "Stuff and nonsense!" I sed, "Oh, gah, U picked that up fr. Mike, didn't U?" And he sed, "Yr brother is a published author and Milborough's reigning celebrity! Y wdn't I pick up sum of his language usage?" I bonked myself on the head w/my hand then, cuz I didn't know what 2 say. Anthony was all, "C? U don't even know what 2 say! If U paid closer attention 2 the published author in yr family, and emul8ed his speech habits, U wd alwayz know what 2 say!" Jeremy jumped 2 my defence and sed, "There's nuthing wrong w/being speechless every 1ce in a while! Even Mike was speechless when Weed asked him 2 make a speech @ that party @ Weed's place, or so I hear. And just cuz Mike nearly always sez whatev st00pid thing pops in2 his hed doesn't make him brilliant, it makes him an idiot!"

Anthony was like, "Pish posh! But since it's the holiday seazon, I will let that comment slide. I M 2 xxcited abt my future w/Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth 2 let the snide comments of teenagers ruin my bouyant mood!" I sed, "U can call her 'Liz' U know." And he sed, "Didn't U get the memo?" I sed, "Sure, and after I shredded it, it made an xxcellent liner 4 Butterscotch the dog-rabbit's cage, @ the Pattermanse."

Anthony shook his hed. "U really R out of step w/the rest of yr family." And I sed, "Thanx!" Ant was like, "NEway. Yr SIL Deanna seemed v. relieved 2 C her parents leave Sunday nite, er, 'Xmas,' even tho her father was v. flattering, saying, 'That was a luvly Xmas dinner, Deanna.' Dee sed, 'Thanx, Dad,' and Mrs. Sobinski sed, 'Gd nite, dear.' Then it was our turn 2 leave. I wanted 2 stay longer, but that pesky Mira had made such a big deal abt the fact that Francie had fallen asleep, I had 2 leave just 2 save face. So Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth and I put on our coats, and we got Francie in2 hers w/out waking her up. I picked her up so she was facing me, w/her hed resting on my shoulder. Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth put a hand on my shoulder and I cd sense that she was looking @ Francie tenderly. Ha-ha, my plan is working! Oh, where was I? Yes, so I told Michael and Deanna, 'I think we'll B taking this one home. She's had a big day.' And Deanna sed, 'I'm so glad U cd come, Anthony.'"

Jeremy cut in w/"Hey, if this story has a pt, feel free 2 get 2 it." Anthony ignored him and went on, "When I was loading Francie in2 the car seat, which Officer Luggsworth forced me 2 buy, BTW, the little scamp woke 2 ask, 'Daddy? Is everything over? And I sed, 'No, sweetheart.' BTW, we'd loaded the car w/gifts, including a couple of plush-toys: a reindeer and a bunny. Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth told me that the bunny showed that Francie has officially been accepted in2 the family! Well, I got in2 the driver's seat, and remembered the question Francie had asked. I continued my 'No, sweetheart' answer in my hed, 'I think everything's abt 2 begin.'" By then, Francie had fallen asleep, and Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth had one of those blank looks I luv so much."

I sed, "W8 a minute. Do U EVER give yr daughter a str8 answer abt NEthing? Poor kid, all she meant was whether the nite's festivities were over. Yr 'no' answer made her think U were, like, continuing 2 another party." Ant shook his hed. "Yr brother is rite. U really R a killjoy. Giving str8 answers 2 small children? Who does that? Where's the comedy?"

I turned 2 Jeremy an' sed, "We have 2 promote that Francie therapy-fund website as much as we can. Poor kid." Anthony shook his hed and sed, "Well, I M not letting the official sourpuss of the Patterson family destroy my good mood. I'm going 2 keep walking around until sunrise and then wake up this little rugrat and tell her the sky is on fire!" Jeremy sed, "I'm going 2 get on that therapy site rite away and make another contribution." And I sed, "same here."

That's it 4 now.

Apes

The So-Called Adult Table

So, Merry Xmas! Of course, U mite remember my fam celebr8ed Xmas a couple of days early, all so the meal part of the storytelling cd fall on Xmas day. NEway, Mike has this 2 share abt what happed in the dining rm while I was releg8ed 2 the kiddie table in the kitchen:

April,

Formerly little sis. Merry Christmas from the adult table. Sometimes it is those last minute changes at Christmas, which make things exciting. For example, after having changed out the glass in the door at the end of our dining room and having changed the light fixture from when mom lived here, who would have ever suspected that Deanna would make me change them again at the last minute. Literally, we were playing with the napkins and setting the table for Christmas Dinner when Deanna said to me, “Michael. I want a whole new light fixture. I want the one with 5 different little lights, almost like a chandelier. And those glass doors, I want the glass to be plain like it was before, but the bottom part to be wooden, almost as if it was a china cabinet than glass doors.” Well, I made those changes; but just barely.

But then, Deanna decided that all the women had to wear dresses and their shoes had to be from the same design, only with their shoes matching their dress colour and no lady could be wearing the same colour. I am sure you heard part of that argument. But Deanna won, and everyone’s shoes were colour-coordinated.

But then, Deanna decided that all the men needed to sit in chairs with raised bottoms, of the chairs and not the men, even though the net effect was the same. Deanna said it would symbolize the fact that men’s feet didn’t touch the ground even though women’s did, and this would be a good symbol for Christmas. Well, I spent the better part of the day, padding chairs, but it did work. My feet, and every other man’s feet did not touch the ground when we were sitting down for the Christmas Dinner. The exception of course, was Grandpa Jim, who took Iris’ chair. So Iris’ feet dangled, and Grandpa Jim’s didn’t. By the way, I was very surprised when he came and made it to the dining room table just using a cane. It’s hard to believe that just 2 months ago, he could barely stay conscious. I must say, the curative properties of my book Stone Season cannot be underestimated.

But then, Deanna decided that she wanted an Advent candle display on the table, with the candles lit. This was actually fairly pretty, and would have worked out if Anthony hadn’t leaned into them and singed off part of his eyebrow. I am not sure why Anthony sat right in front of those candles.

But then Deanna and mom got into it about mom’s decision to wear a sweater over her shoulders and keep her hair in a bun. Apparently, when Deanna was sending out the notification about the women’s dress code, our mom ignored it and wore her hair in a bun and she wore the sweater too. Mom’s argument was that if Mira Sobinski was going to wear a low-cut dress showing off her cleavage like a pole dancer, then she was going to wear the garments of a proper lady.

But then Deanna and her mom got into an argument about whether or not it was judicious to include the dogs in on the family meal, if you and the children were left out. Finally it was decided it was more important to try to teach the dogs good manners by putting them in the presence of adults, than to include the kids in the meal. It didn’t really matter. Grandpa Jim ‘s old dog passed out from all the Havarti, he slipped her on the side.

After all these last minute changes were made, we finally got to the dinner. We were sitting down with the food in front of us, all ready to wolf it down in seconds, when you would not believe what Mira Sobinski had the nerve to do. She said, “Now…Shall I say grace?” At first I thought she was going to just say the word, “Grace” and then we could and would start eating. But she actually started talking and she was saying things like, “Thank you for families who can get together over Christmas. Thank you for this meal my daughter and all the many hands who have laboured over it.” Simply ridiculous stuff. Now, if you can remember back to 2002, when I did the grace, that was a great prayer. People were practically begging for me to say grace at every meal. That’s how it should be done. Short, sweet, and so impersonal it could have been said about any family on any occasion.

Well, Mira’s prayer went on and on and on. In fact, there came a point where I opened my eyes and took a look at the thought balloons beside me. Deanna was thinking, “Mom, please hurry. Everything’s getting cold.” This was kind of a funny one when you think about how Deanna’s mom’s food was brought all the way over from Burlington, and it had to be reheated when they got here. Dad was thinking, “She always goes on and on and on!” Right dad! Kind of like watching a train go around a track. Dad is always thinking in train metaphors. Then mom was thinking, “Snore”. I found out later, she had eaten so much dessert before she came to the dinner, that it had caused him [her] to fall asleep. I was thinking, “Come on, Mira! Enough already!” That’s because I wanted her to stop. Iris was thinking, “Smells good anyway.” I suppose that’s her old lady confirmation that her nose still works. Elizabeth was sitting beside me and not beside Anthony because (and this is so typical of her), Anthony and she are “just friends.” So, to prove this she sat by me. Liz was thinking, “Hungry!!” What can I say about that? That’s Liz. Grandpa Jim was thinking, “Sometimes, I think we have no idea just how fortunate we really are!” Yes, April, Grandpa Jim wanted to do the prayer, and since Mira took it over from him, he just decided to think the prayer he planned to do. Thanks goodness he can’t talk.

I would tell you what Wilf Sobinski was thinking, but really, who cares? Anthony Caine was thinking, “I think I smell something burning” and he was right. Who would have known his eyebrows would be so flammable.

So, you see, April, you really didn’t miss much at Christmas Dinner.

Love,
Michael Patterson

This story has been brought 2 U by the fact that my fam is full of awful ppl. What terrible thots they were having just cuz Mira was saying grace! Oh, noes, they cdn't dig rite in! I'm sure the food was turning 2 ice in the minute it took 4 her 2 talk.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, I told the children, "It's traditional 2 begin by saying grace." And Françoise sed, "May I?" And I sed, "Sure, Y not?"

Then she was like, "Although I am about two and a half months short of my third birthday, I have an unrealistically advanced vocabulary and verbal maturity. Therefore, it is only fitting that I should deliver the grace before this meal. I am thankful that the Patterson family was gracious enuf 2 invite me and my daddy, even tho both sets of my grandparents were anxious 2 C us 2day. Daddy sed being part of the Patterson clan wd mean cutting off ties with them. And that makes me sad. But I digress. I thank the Lord Almighty for this meal before us, though it looks as though most of it is inedible. Thank you, Lord, for having April bring in the couscous cakes, the lentil dish, and the salade sans doigts. Thank you for this gathering, even tho the adults have seen fit 2 sequester the minors in a kiddie ghetto. Thank you for another year on this earth, and may the next year bring us peace, prosperity, and renewable energy so that we can eliminate our dependence on fossil fuels. Amen!"

NEway, that's what was happening in the kitchen.

Apes

Kiddie table

4 sum reason, my fam, the Sobinskis, and Anthony all agreed 2 have Xmas dinner yesterday an' pretend it was actually Xmas, as if sum 60-yo woman were telling the story abt our holiday meal and d-cided that the actual d8 was when she was dun talking abt or in the middle of when she was talking abt it, instead of the more logical when she starts talking abt it.

NEhoodles, as soon as I walked in I picked up Anthony's massive [fingerless] salad 2 put it on the dining-room table, and Dee, standing by the kiddie table in the kitchen, was all, "April, we have so many ppl here 2nite, I was hoping U wdn't mind sitting here @ the kitchen table w/the children." I was all, "Umm." Dee, taking the salad from me, sed, "I know U're not a kid! It's not a put-down. We just need a responsible person 2 supervise the little ones during dinner." I rolled my eyez while saying "Sigh." Not actually sighing, mind U, just saying "sigh." Over her shoulder, while carrying the salad away 2 the big-ppl's table, Dee was like, "U'll B away from the adults and adult conversation, I'm afraid. Do U mind?" I gave her a dead-eyed look an' sed, "I guess not." Then, after Dee had left the kitchen, sum1 in the next room was all, "YACK-YACK-YACK-GABBLE, YAP-YAK-GABBLE, YAP, YAK, YACK-YA, YAP, YACK, GAB," and insteada thinking "What the eff!" I thought, "Bonus!" While serving dinner 2 the littles, like I was their waitress.

Oh, and 4 sum reason, Robin @ age 3 yrs, almost two months, is so stunted he still needs a booster seat, which he was seated in @ the head of the table (being a male Patterson an' all), while Françoise, who is four months an' six days younger than Robin, is Merrie's size and was sitting next 2 Merrie. What the heck? And no, I M not accepting the theory that Francie's age is adjusted. She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

Sorry 4 all the repetition, I want 2 try 2 get the message out there 2 NE crazy 60-yo storytelling women out there who mite B trying 2 control our story arcs.

Apes

P.S. And don't worry, I will B billing Dee 4 my babysitting. As a holiday gift, I will waive my "short notice/no notice" surcharge.

2 Sleeps 2 Xmas

Mike has sum more stuff 2 share abt life in the ol' Pattermanse:

April,

Formerly little sis. There’s a time in every parent’s life, when he realizes that his little children have passed the point of being obsessive-compulsive about something and have simply turned the corner on full-fledged insanity. When that time comes, the only thing a parent can do is deal with his children’s obsessions and hope that some day they will be old enough to be put in some kind of institution made for those kinds of things.

Such was the situation today. I was busy working on my second novel Breaking the Windjammer, when I became aware of an altercation brewing in the house. Naturally, since I was busy at work, I ignored it.

I could hear my children lying on the floor beside the Christmas tree, muttering to themselves about how they were so anxious about Christmas they were going to lie next to the tree and stare intently at the Christmas tree skirt until presents appeared there. This is a technique I have not tried myself; but I doubted it would be successful.

Then I heard my son crawling around in the fireplace looking up the chimney for Santa, showing that our protective, free-standing,yellow, hover pole we purchased to keep the kids out of the fireplace was not a very good investment. However, I still think it works as a decorative curiosity, with its lack of visible support. It is certainly better than the investment of having completely rebricked the fireplace with multi-coloured bricks since last year.

Then I heard the kids say, “Gotta move chesterfield back by tree. Momma coming.” Then “Wait, it’s just that rabbit.” Then “What rabbit?” Then “Auntie April’s rabbit over there.” Then “That’s not a rabbit. Rabbit have sticky-up ears.” Then “No, momma says it’s a rabbit.” Then “Merrie. How you do that?” Then “What?” Then “Bend legs like that?” Then “What?” Then “One behind you. One in front.” Then “Shush! You’ll make my boyfriend mad.” Then “No. Merrie. Tree not boyfriend.” Then “Yes he is. I call him Leafy. He puts his branch on me to touch my special places.” Then “No Merrie. No put Leafy on your chest. It wrong.” Then “Leafy is my childhood sweetheart. I gonna marry Leafy.” Then “What momma say if she see you?” Then “Momma!!! Leafy was…” Then “Merrie wants to know when Santa here. She not in love with tree. Just Santa.”

Then I heard my wife, the lovely Deanna say, “Guys, …it’s another two sleeps before Santa comes.” Then I heard my son say, “Anover two sleeps?!!!” Then I heard my daughter whisper, “Does she mean naptimes or just nighttimes?” Then, “I dunno. Momma is weird.” Then “It a trick. Like last year. They say, ‘All presents burned. Sorry’.” Then “We gotta stop her.”

Then I heard my daughter say, “But…that’s so LONG!!” Then I heard my son say, “We want Santa to come NOW!” Then I heard some running and my children saying, “Get her! No escape!” And then there was some screaming.

Then after that, my wife, the lovely Deanna, brought the kids into where I was working and said, “Honey, would you do something with the kids, please?” I said, “Sure thing!” Then I said, “Cheeze, honey. Why are you leaning over to your left like some one did something to your left leg?” Deanna said, “Don’t ask.” But as I was putting their little coats on the children in complete darkness (darn instantaneous silhouettes), I could tell Deanna was thinking, “Great!—They need to get their minds off Christmas!”

Using my extra sensitive husband senses, I realized what Deanna wanted me to do. The best way to get children’s minds off Christmas is old-fashioned good parenting. I would take the kids to a toy store and let them stand outside and look at the window display, but not let them go in until they eventually get tired of Christmas and begged me to go someplace warm. Anthony Caine told me he did this so often with his half-Quebecoise daughter, that when they go to look at displays at toy stores she doesn’t even look at them. Trust Anthony to come up with a new way to teach children. That’s why he is the “idea man” at Mayes Midtown Motors. He was right once again. After a few hours in front of that display, and a few tears about wanting to go someplace warm, my children learned to get their minds off Christmas. Thank you, Anthony Caine!

Love,

Michael Patterson

Mike, following Anthony's parenting xxample is a perfect recipe 4 permanently damaging yr kids so they end up living in a psychiatric ward w/padded walls. But based on yr opening paragraph, it soundz like U R assuming that is where they will end up. So sad.

Apes

Anthony the Sadist

OMG, from Liz, more evidence that Anthony is an awful parent:

April,

Well, you no doubt will be happy to hear this, but it is a great tragedy, the salad I so lovingly prepared for our Christmas feast was destroyed, I couldn't lift it, so it had to stay at Anthony's, and then Anthony couldn't fit it inside his refrigerator, so he put it outside in a snowbank to refrigerate it, and Anthony's neighbor accidentally ran over the bowl with his snowblower, there were bits of macaroni and breadsticks and cheese all over the front yard, the whole place smells like ranch dressing, well, when I went over there (as I do every night after school) Anthony was already making a salad to replace it, it was one of the kind you like, with real lettuce in it, well, I had to laugh, Anthony played this game with Frenchy, he was cutting up carrots to go in the salad, since he heard they are Dee's favorite, and he pretended to chop his finger off, and said it got lost in the salad with the carrots, Frenchy was freaked out, it was hilarious how he messed with her mind as he pretended to look for the carrot, then he told her we would just have to eat the salad anyway and call it "finger food," I almost swooned, wordplay AND he is warping his daughter's little French mind, he's a dreamboat!, oh, and did I mention, he never told Frenchy the truth about his finger, so on Christmas when Frenchy tells you there are fingers in the salad, play along, we're hoping this "joke" will be a wonderful Christmas "memory" to cherish for years to come!

Liz

Poor Francie. I think my gift 2 her will B 2 start up a therapy fund 4 her. Poor kid will need it. I'll give contribution deets 2 NE1 who wants 2 pitch in.

Apes

A la mode, A la mode

Mom was baking pies, and she was all, "April, if the piez R dun, will U take them out of the oven, pls?" I was like, "Sure!" As I was taking the last one of three piez outta the oven, Dad was all, "Whoa!" from outside, in silhouette, and I was like, "SNIFFFFF.... MMMMM" B-cuz Pattersons totally overreact 2 baked gds, and sumtymez I just can't overcome that. Dad opened the sliding door in2 the kitchen, revealing that he was wearing his choo-choo outfit under his winter coat, and he declared, "....I cd smell apples and pastry and pumpkin all the way from the workshop!" Dad flung his coat on the floor, grabbed a knife, and started 2 cut in2 one of the piez. Mom was like, "Hey! Don't touch thoze!" And dad was all, "U're kidding! ...Y not?" And Mom was like, "Well, 4 one thing... they're too hot." As Mom gawked @ him, Dad got sum plates, cut out 2 pieces of pie, put ea on a plate, got sum vanilla ice cream from the fridge, scooped sum on2 one of the pies, handed me the pint of ice cream, threw his hat on2 his coat, sat @ the table, started 2 bring a forkful of pie and ice cream 2 his mouth (while Mom held the plate w/the other piece and I plopped ice cream on it), and finally Dad replied, "Another reason God made ice cream."

Then I cut myself a small sliver of pie and a teaspoon of ice cream, ate them slowly, and then changed in2 my sweats 2 run around the neighbourhood a bit. Did I mention I've developed exercise bulimia? NEway, when I got back from running abt 8K, the pies had all been eaten, Mom and Dad were sitting at the table holding their guts while kinda groaning, and then Mom sed, "Aw nuts, now I have 2 go back 2 the grocery store, buy flour, sugar, pumpkin filling, and apples, and make three more pies. Those were 4 the Xmas dinner! Did I 4get 2 mention that after I sed, '4 one thing .... they're 2 hot'?" Dad was like, "::groan:: 4get? Who're we kidding. U knew what was going 2 happen when U baked those so far in advance!"

Apes

Merry

Iris sent me an email:

April, dear, I noticed that you have been writing about the preparations your mother and sister-in-law have done in advance of the Christmas dinner we will be having at, as you quaintly call it, the "Pattermanse." I thought that maybe your readers might want to hear what your Grandpa Jim and I have been doing in anticipation of that dinner.

As your gramps was settling into his wheelchair, I told him, "We're going to have a lovely time, dear. We haven't been over to see your family in a long time!" I had set my bottles of wine on the kitchen counter to ensure that I not forget them. It's so easy to forget things these days, with all the things I need to keep track of while caring for your gramps. Not that I'm complaining, oh, no! It's the toughest job I've ever loved!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Once Jim was settled into his chair, I crouched in front of him (I can do that thanks to the "gentle yoga for seniors" I've been taking), and I told him, "Oh, I know the little ones get on your nerves sometimes, but you enjoy seeing Liz and Michael--and April will bring her guitar..." Then, I put on my coat, and as I got your grandpa's coat off of the hook, I said, "We'll have a fine dinner, open a few gifts--and it will be a merry, merry Christmas." And then I had the spookiest feeling that Jim was thinking, "Yes... I remember being merry."

Then I got his coat onto him, got him into the elevator and out to the loading area of our building, where the vans pick us up when we need to go somewhere. Then I said, "That was great, Jim! We beat our last time by 30 seconds! We'll do great once it's time to go to that dinner! Wonderful practice drill!" Then I took him back to the apartment. I can hardly wait to see you at the Christmas dinner, April. I'm so excited, I've taken Jim through this drill 17 times!

Best wishes,

Iris

Thanx 4 writing in, Iris! I'm glad U R looking 4ward 2 the dinner. I M gonna make sure there R foods that won't kill U w/all their sat fat and sodium!

Apes

And "buttress" starts w/ "butt"--so what?

Mike has sum more 2 tell abt Dee prepping 4 the Xmas dinner:

April,

Formerly little sis. After my little conversation with Deanna over the presents, we sent our daughter off to go play somewhere in the house, wherever her brother was hiding. One of the nice things about having a bigger house, aside from being able to entertain the family, is that the kids often disappear to places unknown. It gives my wife, the lovely Deanna, and I the opportunity to have a conversation, something which is difficult when the kids are nearby.

Deanna rarely talks about anything other than our children, so when the occasion does happen, not only is it a moment of conversational rejoicing, but it frequently ends up presaging the things which are going to happen next, almost as if my wife were some kind of soothsayer, saying unto me a sooth. As she was putting out the wine glasses for where Iris would be sitting, she said, “So…Liz is bringing Anthony!...That’s a majo(u)r step.” My initial thought was, “I don’t think my wife got the memo about calling the Lizardbreath, Elizabeth instead of Liz.” My second thought was, “Was my wife at our summer picnic back in August, when Liz invited Anthony and his half-Quebecoise child? If she were there, then she might have remembered Liz has already taken that majo(u)r step. Naturally, I didn’t want to bring that issue up; because if I did, then it might put Deanna off this conversation and back onto a conversation about the kids. So, I simply said, “Well, they have been seeing a lot of each other.” I am sure you get my little joke about “seeing a lot of each other.” My wife didn’t.

Deanna continued on with, “But this is Christmas dinner, Mike! You don’t bring someone to a family gathering like this unless that person is a ‘significant other’.(’)” I had a napkin in my hand and I closed my eyes as I started throttling it. As you know, when a Patterson starts using quotation marks in the style of someone from the States, there is a pun coming. Unfortunately, with my lovely wife, she feels the need to spell her pun out deliberately so that everyone in the province can understand it. I awaited the worst. What kind of joke was coming from “significant other”?

My wife circled the table in one direction putting down napkins as I went in the other. After a moment she started on the explanation of her pun. “The first part of the word ‘significant’ is ‘sign’,(‘) right? This is a sign!” I suddenly felt the need to stop her before she started any further on “sign” jokes. I suddenly saw flash in front of my eyes a stop sign, a yield sign, a heavenly sign, a no smoking sign. The possibilities were endless. I had to provide an answer to her sign question before she did, for the sake of my sanity. I hurriedly said, “Of what…that he’s willing to put up with her relatives?”

Lucky for me, Deanna took the bait. She said, “Are you saying that you ‘put up with’ my relatives?” I felt a certain degree of relief until I realized she had shifted subjects to her relatives, which was another topic having nothing to do with our children. Once again I had a sense of foreboding. I knew that the majour topics of our Christmas Dinner were going to be Anthony and Liz, and my wife’s relatives. As my lovely wife poked her finger deep into my stomach and the resulting pain caused me to raise my eyebrows and move my lips into a smirk of agony. I thought, “to ‘put up with' Deanna’s relatives…it’s a lot safer than putting them down!” I wasn’t sure how much of that merciless poking I could take; but at least my inner pun gave me the respite of great humour.

Love,
Michael Patterson

The puns, they buuuuuurn! Here's another memo 4 Dee: Just cuz a word starts w/another, shorter word, doesn't mean the other, shorter word gives U special insite in2 the longer word!

And speaking of memos, I got the memo abt calling Liz "Elizabeth," and I shredded it up and lined Buttsy's cage w/it.

Apes

Dee an' Merrie Exposit

Mike sez this:

April,

Formerly little sis. The smell of turkey wafted through the air as the life of Leonard Driscoll in my second novel Breaking the Windjammer, came to me. Leonard is on leave from the sea life to visit his family at Christmas. As he approaches his childhood home, he opens the door and is not prepared for the onrush of well-wishes. “Leonard!” they cry, happy to see him safe and sound and returned from his adventures. They ask him about the scar on his forehead he got from the pirate queen who nearly ran him through before she fell for his manly charms and he for hers. They ask him about the rough life of the sea. They come to him crying about how all these people are coming to his house and no one is bringing presents and just food and how mommy thinks that is a present, when it really isn’t a present and how it just isn’t fair.

It’s Leonard’s little sister. No. OK. It’s my daughter. Let’s see what is upsetting her.

All right. She says she was in the kitchen with mommy and she said, “Is everyone coming to our house, mom?” Mommy was busy making her very first turkey in a giant pan. She said, “Yes. We have the most space!” Then my daughter said, “That’s not true. Grandma Mira’s place is bigger than ours.” Then I said, “Did you say that to your mother?” Then my daughter said, “No. But I thought it.” I told her she had done the right thing.

My daughter continued and said she said, “Are they gonna bring anything?” I said, “That’s ‘going to’ not ‘gonna’. You don’t want that half-Quebecoise kid coming to Christmas dinner to think you’re stupid. Continue, please.”

My daughter said, “Then mommy said, ‘Uh-huh! Grandma Elly is bringing dessert.’” I laughed a little at that. My daughter said, “Why are you laughing?” I said, “That dessert will never make it out of mom’s house. They will eat it all.” My daughter said, “Oh. Then mommy said, ‘Grandma Mira is bringing bread and potatoes.’” I said, “Typical. Grandma Mira is trying to show she is better than we are by bringing the most practical foods.” My daughter said, “This is bad?” I said, “Of course. Bread and potatoes are very filling.” My daughter looked confused.

Then she said, “Mommy said, ‘Elizabeth and Anthony are bringing salads and Iris is bringing the wine!’” I said, “What a disaster. Elizabeth and Anthony with food that has to be fresh. At least it’s a salad, and no one in the family will eat it, unless they fry it. Have you ever had mom’s fried salad?” My daughter said, “No.” I said, “It’s delicious. If you put enough batter on something, you don’t have to worry about if it’s fresh or not.”

My daughter said, “Oh. I was talking about presents. That’s what I said to mom. And then she said, ‘Speaking as the hostess, Meredith…Those are presents!'” I said, “What? No presents? Just food!?” Then I ran into the kitchen where Deanna was and said, “No presents!!! This is horrible! How can I write when there are not going to be any presents!”

Then Deanna explained that there were going to be presents, but as the hostess she considered the food to be the present. I said, “You don’t want any presents aside from the food? But I already got you something.” Deanna said, “Michael, I was trying to teach our daughter a lesson about the importance of things at Christmas. Everyone pitching in to help with the Christmas Dinner is more important than presents.” I said, “Oh right. Time instead of gifts. Very good, Deanna. That’s an excellent lesson.” My daughter was there and said, “Nuts!”

See you for Christmas Dinner, formerly little sis, assuming you haven’t eaten the dessert already,

Michael Patterson

Mike, U R worrying abt the wrong person when it comes 2 the desserts. I had a few walnuts and 1 cookie. Mom devoured all the rest of the baked goods she'd made, made another batch of everything, ate those, and then went out 2 the store 2 buy more ingredients. Dad suggested mayB she shdn't bake so far in advance, an' she threw a canister of walnuts @ his head.

Oh, and Dee 4got 2 mention that I M bringing cous-cous patties w/spicy tomato topping and daal makhani (an Indian lentil dish that's soooo delish!).

Apes

I guess it's my turn again

Mom was making holiday cookies, and since it's one of the few occasions when she makes food that is not, like, totally vile, I cdn't help b-ing gravit8ed 2 the preparation area. As Mom was chop-chop-chop-chopping, I asked her, "How many ppl R coming over 4 Xmas?" Mom was all "14," and I went back 2 channeling Keanu and Everett w/"Whoa!" As I reached in2 a canister of walnuts 2 munch-munch them, I sed, "And Deanna's the hostess this yr. That'll B nice!" Yeah, in opposite-land. And Mom was all, "Hey, don't do that!!" Abt the munch-munching, not the saying Deanna will B hostess and that'll B nice." As I pulled a chocolate-chip cookie out of its tin, I was all, "Y? There's gonna B waaay 2 much food. There alwayz is." And Mom was like, "Well, U can w8 4 the leftovers!" I put an arm around her and asked, "Can't I just eat the leftovers 1st?" Mom looked up, raised her brow, and, I guess, tried 4 "xxasper8ed." Tho I sensed she was thinking, "U're supposed 2 publicly refuse the cookies, and then gorge on them in the middle of the nite. It's called B-ing a lady."

NEway, last wk of school B4 our holiday break. W00t!

Apes

Michael's "Meany" Memories

Mike d-cided 2 share a memory he recently had:

April,

Formerly little sis. One of the nice things about the Christmas holidays is the opportunity to look at your children playing with their toys and then to remember back to the days when you were the same age that they were anddddd…….

OK! Deanna just slapped me because I let my son open one of his presents early. I know he is old enough to understand the presents are opened on Christmas Day. I know he is not supposed to be allowed to open them before Christmas. I remember what happened last Christmas when he got to open his presents early and he was weeping over every one that got burned in the fire and if he hadn’t opened them, then he wouldn’t know what they were to weep over them. Jeez. It’s just one toyyyyy.

OK. Deanna read that last bit and slapped me again. Cheeze. Just because I am kept man, doesn’t mean I have to be a slapped man. Where was I? Oh, yes.

I was looking at my son looking at his new toy airplane, the one with the odd colourings on it and where the wings weren’t placed on the plane properly. For some reason the wings were just glued on top of the place where the pilot sits and they weren’t even with the rest of the plane and there were no wheels where you could stand the plane when you weren’t playing with it, and who bought this piece of junk anyway? My mom never would have bought me a plane thisssssss

OK. I should be grateful that my wonderful, beautiful wife thought to buy my son a plane at all, since I didn’t buy any Christmas presents and I didn’t decorate the tree. The tree is decorated with a few red things and with those ugly green stars, with the ugliest green star on top. Who decorates with ugly green stars? Did we get this tree from the Grinch who stole Christmas? Look at it. Its just hidddd

OK. It’s a wonderful tree decorated by a wonderful woman who is the breadwinner in the house and I better not forget it. I got it. Let’s see. I was looking at my son playing with this terrific plane and it reminded me of how I had a plane when I was about his age. I used to play with my plane too, except without the demented look on my face and the tongue lolling out of my mouth with the drool and how did my son get to be so fffffff

OK. I am sick and tired of being smacked. I am just going to talk about myself now. I had a plane. It was from Philpott Department Store. It was a great little store with well-constructed planes that had wings and wheels and only one primary colour, just the way I like them. I was standing by mother looking at the toy. But then I realized, if I put the toy in my Philpott Department Store bag, the other things in the bag might crush it. So, I had to hold the toy out of the bag, and carry the bag and the stuff in it separately. This bag was stuffed and heavy and I needed two hands to hold it; but I had to have one hand holding the toy airplane, eh?

So, I said, “Ma? Do we have much farther to go, mom?” I was little in those days, and all I could see was my mother from the bottom down. She had on a green jacket with a big belt and black pants. She didn’t answer me.

So, I said, “I’ve been walking an’ walking…an’ I don’t wanna carry this any more!” Well, then mom walked away from me; but then she said, “You wanted that toy, Michael…the least you can do is carry it.” Well I tried to do that for awhile, but the department store bag kept getting heavier and heavier and it was hurting my fingers.

So, I said, “I don’t wanna carry it, mom…you carry it…YOU carry it!!! “ Well mom does not respond well to demands, and she doesn’t respond well to demands which are repeated twice without a proper period between them. So, she said in her own inimitable way, “NO!” You know the kind of “NO!” which is so loud it makes you drop your department store bag and the toy and causes your body to vibrate all over and the blood rush to your head so it makes your whole face red? That kind of loud. Well I wasn’t going to take this any more, so I yelled back at her “MEANY!”

Then something happened which was kind of confusing. I could have sworn when I was just looking at my mother, I could see the belt on her green shirt clearly all the way around. This time when I looked, she had Lizzie strapped on her back wearing a pink bonnet, and she was carrying two bags of groceries and she had a purse on her right arm. I thought to myself, “How did I miss that before?”

But then I thought more carefully. People don’t carry groceries around the middle of the bag, like mom was; because it rips the bag and squeezes the bread flat. Mom would hold the bags from the bottom. Plus, two full bags of groceries are heavy. Mom would use a cart, instead of taking a long walk with two heavy bags. But then I thought, why would I be carrying around a bag from Philpott Department Store and my airplane, if we were in a grocery store? Not only that, but Lizzie doesn’t wear a pink bonnet when we go grocery shopping, or really any time. It didn’t make any sense, like a scene drawn by someone trying to look pitiful but without thinking through it very carefully. Then I looked at the person clearly and she had enormous eyes, like some kind of toad. Then I had to apologize for yelling “MEANY!” at the toad lady. I think the whole thing was some kind of dream. That’s only way I can make sense out of it.

Now what did this have to do with my son and his airplane? I have lost my entire train of thought. Oh, wait. I should say I have lost my entire “airplane” of thought.

Well, Merry Christmas everyone! Deanna says it’s not until next week, but why wait?

Love,
Michael Patterson

Gah, I miss the Sundays when we didn't reminisce. Remember those? They were off-topic and often dull, but @ least they were present-tense. How I miss those. It just reminds me. . . . Never mind, I'll stop now.

Jeremy, what R those surprise Sunday planz U txt-ed me abt?

Apes

Thérèse: a promise and an au revoir

Loox as tho Liz has prolly reached the end of the Thérèse bit of her story (unless Monday's gonna B her sharing w/Anthony what she an' Thérèse talked about @ the food ct):

April,

Well, as it turns out, Therese may be French but she does have some common sense and good manners, once we were done drinking our French drinks, we went out into the mall and Therese apologized to me for coming to Milborough to shop, then she said she hoped this would never happen, well, Therese was trying to leave but Frenchy was yanking on her nice clothes, yelling "Mama!", God, what a brat, so Therese told her to can it, that she had stuff to do an' she was gonna go now, an' she'd call sometime, an' they'd talk, well, as Therese went down the escalator, Frenchy yelled, "You promise?" and Therese said, "I promise," but we all knew she was a big fat liar, because she is a terrible mother who abandoned her child, well, just then Anthony came walking up, but Frenchy grabbed on to ME and hugged ME and started bawling into MY frumpy car coat, well I thought to myself, it is about time, and I hugged her and thought to myself how Frenchy finally realized that she should be grateful for her Patterson stepmom to be, because even though I am not her real mother, and I don't like her, I am HERE, and because I am a Patterson I know my duty is to grudgingly parent her even though I didn't really want her, like all proper Patterson mothers do with their oops babies and such, anyway, it was a very exciting turn of events, because it means stuff like:

1. this whole week isn't gonna be about Therese,

2. Frenchy is finally gonna stop being so annoying, and

3. I could still get engaged by the end of this story, or at least pre-engaged, you know, like if Anthony is so grateful that he buys me a blender or other future wife type gift for Christmas,

well that's all I guess, I'm sure you will be pleased to learn of how Therese got run out of town just like the sign at the edge of city limits promises we will do.

Liz

Poor Françoise. Look @ her parental choices. Her mother's 2 bizzy 4 her, her father is only interested in landing himself wife #2, and Liz is only interested in being wife #2 an' getting rid of Francie as fast as she can.

NEway, Jeremy, I dont' mind abt U posting that convo betw me an' my mom. I M just glad it did the trick in getting her 2 leave. I was v. embarrassed that she 8 all the food yr mom made 4 everybody. Good thinking 2 order pizza. And yay, Leafs!

Hey, and wanna come over this afternoon? Let's get our h'work dun and then play Sims! I figured out howta get the Sims 2 blog and design computer gamez. It's pretty cube. I have a Sim whose blog is more popular than mine, which is kinda humbling, eh?

Apes

Not wanting things

Liz posted what happed next after Francie ran up 2 Thérèse in the mall:

April,

Well, what I have to tell you next isn't good, so brace yourself, Frenchy wouldn't stop screaming "MOM! MOM!" even though Therese told her to shut up, finally Therese picked her up and said we should go somewhere quiet, so we went to a coffee house and Therese ordered three triple espressos for us, even Frenchy, which I thought was weird, but it must be a French thing, because she drank it, anyway, even though it looked like Frenchy had shrunk back to toddler size, she was still talking like a Ph.D., she said, "Mom, I haven't seen you for a long time!" and Therese said she'd been busy, and then Therese said she'd sent Frenchy some nice stuff, and didn't Frenchy like the stuff, and Frenchy said, "Yes, I guess so," and then she added, "But I don't want things, Mama! I want you!", and Therese looked kind of freaked out, and you are probably thinking what was I doing during this time, well, I was sitting there looking depressed, because that day was supposed to be all about me showing Anthony what an awesome wife I would be and now it was going to be all about how Therese was back and Frenchy wants her to come home and for them to be a family again, and for me to take a hike, ugh, it made me miss the days in college, when I had troubles then I would just do a bunch of Jello shots and go to sleep and when I woke up a few days later I couldn't remember my problems anymore, well, now Candace isn't around and I don't remember the recipe for Jello shots, and people think the lavender overalls/puke color turtleneck/animal print coat combo I picked out for Frenchy is bad, and I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED, my gravestone is gonna say "Here lies Miss Elizabeth Patterson, a big fat loser," augh, then I decided right then when I went home I would chug some drain cleaner like Shiimsa is always suggesting to me.

Liz

Aw, Liz, Anthony's not worth chugging drain cleaner over. So not worth it. B-sidez, Mom has been bustling around and saying she just knows "Elizabeth and Anthony will be xxchanging wedding vows next year--it's 'iffy' now--no it's not, ha-ha, made ya look!" Mom's been stranger than usual l8ly, but she seemz pretty confident things R gonna go the way U and she both want.

Apes

Enter Thérèse!

In the next bit of Liz's story abt her trip 2 the mall w/Anthony and Françoise, the plot thickens:

April,

Well, I hate to have to tell you this part, but here is where my wonderful tale of Elizabeth on the road to wifedom goes awry, I was walking Frenchy around, showing her stuff, like we saw these mechanical figures, and I was like, "Look at this elf! He's making a toy with his little hammer!" and Frenchy said, "What do you think I am, a bozo? I can see that with my own two eyes," so then I dragged her to the next mechanical figure, which was a reindeer, because I am not about to be undone in the showing how I can be a good stepmom department, and I said, "Look how Rudolph's nose! What color is it?" and Frenchy said, "Every moron in Canada knows that Rudolph's nose is red," and since she answered me a little nicer that time, I showed her the snowman, and pointed out how he moved and talked, but this time, Frenchy forgot to insult me, she was distracted, and I thought we were about to bond over a common problem with getting distracted, but then Frenchy excitedly said, "That's my mom over there, Elizabeth! That's my mom!" which kind of surprised me, since she abandoned Frenchy like a zillion years ago, how does Frenchy know what she looks like?, but she does, and I think this is proof that Frenchy is an evil sorceress, well, Frenchy took off running toward Therese, screaming, "MOM!" and naturally I charged after her, screaming, "Francie! Wait!" because nothing is more dangerous than running up to your mom in a sparsely populated shopping mall, well I could tell Therese was not pleased but Frenchy threw herself against Therese and stood on tiptoe so she could bury her face in Therese's crotch, what a totally weird way to greet your mom, but maybe that's how the French do it, I hear they're perverts, anyway, Therese looked very fashionable as usual, but of course she is nothing in comparison to my very frumpy wifely self, I was looking super wife-tastic that day, and I was surprised she is still living in Milborough because everyone knows Milborough is for family people only, there is even a sign at the city limits that says, "If you don't like kids and soul-crushing marriages, get out!!!", but there she was, so I said, "Hello Therese," while Frenchy took some deep smells of her crotch, and Therese said, "Hello Elizabeth" in her smirky way, and I thought to myself how there are lots of surprises this time of year, like how it doesn't make sense that Therese is still hanging around our town or that Frenchy recognizes her or that we all thought this week was going to be about me FINALLY GETTING ENGAGED but instead it is going to turn out to be about how Frenchy misses Therese or something, what a bore, besides, gah, what idiot doesn't prefer a Pattermom to a Frenchymom?, in spite of her appearing smartness I think Frenchy is a little retarded.

Liz

Dun-dun-DUN! Yeah, odd that Francie even knows what Thérèse looks like. I was v. curious 2 know what happed next, so I called up Liz an' asked, and she was like, "Tut tut, U know the rules 4 Patterson storytelling. Dribs and drabs, April. Dribs and drabs."

Apes

You Know Who Knows it All

Liz has sum more 2 tell abt her mall xcursion w/Anthony an' Françoise:

April,

So, to continue my story, after that embarrassing part where I had to admit I was distracted, I decided I had to take drastic measures to make Anthony think of me as wife-type material, well, I saw my reflection in a store window and I was looking pretty good in my outfit, very frumpy and wife-like, I had on a ultra-thick sweater that conceals my curves, and a blue car coat, and a dull brown pocketbook, and a boring ponytail, and I even had that mom-type front-butt look going on in my khaki slacks, I have never looked more wifely, so I grabbed Anthony on impulse and dragged him over to the window and cried out, "Oh Anthony, isn't it the cutest thing?" and I totally didn't even have a particular toy in mind, I just pointed at one that looked reasonable in the display, but fortunately Anthony agreed, but he said, "It's hard to buy anything because of 'you know who,'" and so I promised to take that rotten Frenchy around the mall while he bought the toy and hid it in the car, well of course that wily Frenchy, she knew just what was up, she asked if we were talking about her, and I asked why she would say that, and she said, "You know who knows you know what!" and then I asked her, how old are you again, 7 or 8, because some of my students are not that advanced, but Frenchy just cackled an evil laugh and said, "Francie knows all!" and then I kind of panicked, because that would mean she knows about my boarding school plan, but just then she said, "Oh look," and pointed at this train ride for little kids, and I said, "You're too old for that," and she said, "I'm only two, dummy," and then I got so confused, I mean, she seems older than two, I really hope Frenchy doesn't outwit me, I need to get married like now.

Liz

LOLOL, yeah, that kid sure didn't get her brains from Anthony. And she totally acts older than her age. Can U imagine Robin talking like that? And he's four months older than Francie!

Mike, I think it was pretty irresponsible of U 2 let Merrie wander over 2 our house all by herself @, like, ten o'clock last nite. She just showed up and sed she wanted 2 play Sims 2. Then she insisted on creating a male Sims called Attic Guy and making him live in a shack all by himself and have no bathroom or bed, so he keeps piddling himself and collapsing on the floor when he has 2 sleep. And no shower, so he gets all stinky and has flies all over him. NEway, Mom sez she will bring Merrie back over there this morning rite after breakfast.

Apes

Awkward

Liz has sum more 2 share abt her taking-Francie-2-Santa d8 w/Anthony:

Okay, more about me!, well, we went into the mall and I immediately got all distracted by the lights and the music, that happens to me a lot, my principal thinks maybe I should get on some kind of medication for ADD or something, it's so hard to pay attention, anyway, after awhile I paid attention to Anthony and Frenchy again, and I realized we had switched to having Frenchy walk between me and Anthony, which is a good pose for Polite Dating but not so good when you are trying to get engaged, anyway, to make Anthony think about me, I asked him what he was thinking about, he said, "How much I like this time of year," and then he asked me what I was thinking about, and I stupidly told the truth, and then I realized how dumb I am, I admitted I can't pay attention and also I should of lied and said I was thinking about how husbandly he is or something, to give a hint, gah, I suck at proposal-getting!, god why are we so lame we can't even have a normal conversation, but have to try to fill awkward silences, I mean that's fine and all, I think the best marriages are where the couple is bored with each other, look at Mom and Dad, well while I was mentally bashing myself Anthony asked Frenchy what she was thinking about, the little brat said that everything smelled like "Legs," which I thought was disgusting, a little girl should not be talking about obscene body parts let alone how they smell, I mean really, a good Patterson woman keeps her legs covered at all times unless she is going to a party where she might be able to catch a husband, so of course I never think about how such a sexy type body part might smell, disgusting, I wanted to ask Anthony if he ever tried to teach Frenchy any sense of proper behavior but he just seemed totally stunned by his daughter's filthy talk so I decided to give him a break this time, he is such a wonderful father otherwise, and besides I am sure it is all Therese's fault, remember, her mother is a whore, but anyway, while Anthony looked shocked I tried to think of how to make Anthony go into the jewelry shop and buy me a big old diamond engagement ring, it's just not coming to me though, then I thought maybe I could get the mall Santa to order Anthony to propose, but I didn't have any blackmail material on the mall Santa, so I didn't know what to do on that front, so instead I thought some more about boarding schools, it's very soothing.

Liz

Liz, doesn't it make U sad 2 think abt yrs an' yrs of trying 2 fill the awkward silences? Or do U just fig that after yr wedding, U wd quit trying an' just spend most of yr time ignoring each other, while Anthony played Astronomy Club and U did, I dunno, whatever it is U do, just like satisfied that yr left ring finger isn't naked NEmore?

Apes

Graying of [Gr]Anthony

Liz has an outing w/Anthony 2 tell us abt:

April,

I have been blessed with another week of talking about me and my life, which is wonderful of course because I will be talking about my progress toward getting married, but I have horrible news, when we were out shopping with Frenchy, it was snowing, and Anthony being a rugged and manly sort of man did not wear a hat, when I asked him if it would not be smart to wear a hat, he said, "Never fear, Elizabeth dear, my constitution is as hale and hardy as that of William Henry Harrison," and so he went without a hat, and snow got in his hair, and that brat Frenchy started to harass him about it, I swear, that child never lets up with her complaining and demands, and Anthony told her it was okay because the snow hid the gray hair, well, I smiled and laughed at that but inwardly I panicked, the Milborough aging curse is speeding up!, and I don't have a engagement ring yet!, I have to get married, what if Anthony dies before we can get married, then I will not even get the respect that a widow gets, and no one will want to marry a girl who is 27 or 26 or some age in around there, and I will have to make up some weird convoluted story like Connie Poirier just to save face, like "oh, I was married once, to some South American accountant, but now I'm a brave widow!" and who will raise Frenchy, will I get stuck with her?, that would be a fate worse than death, oh God, I have to figure out a way to get Anthony down the aisle and fast, and I better tell that seamstress to hurry up on my pure white wedding dress, it better be ready the instant that Anthony finally gets it together and proposes to me, omg, I think I am getting gray hairs from worrying so much about this, why is Anthony so inconsiderate, doesn't he know we are racing against the clock here?!?

Liz

That Milborough aging curse is sum scary, scary stuff. From that comment, U wd think that Anthony is, like, 20 or 30 yrs older than he really is. How weird.

Apes

Nitrous Oxide an' Memories

Mike has an unfortunate memory 2 share:

April,

Formerly little sis. Tonight at dinner, my lovely wife Deanna said to me, “Mike. I think the kids might be old enough to hear the ‘drug’ speech.” I said to her, “What drug speech?” She said, “Well, Michael. It’s where the parents tell the children about drugs, and which ones are illegal and legal and how they are not supposed to be used unless you have a prescription and permission from your pharmacist.” I said to my wife, “The kids aren’t old enough to be exposed to drugs.” My wife said, “Michael Patterson, we have drug addicts come into the pharmacy every day to try to convince us to give them illegal drugs, and some of them are only 3 years old.” I said, “We’ve been through this before. Françoise Caine is not a drug addict. She’s just overly smart for her age.” Deanna said, “Mike, I brought home some literature. You read and prepare yourself for the talk.”

So, I did. There were a lot of good drugs listed in the material that I have never trie…I mean that I have never heard of. However, when I was reading about the effects of Nitrous oxide, and how dentists often use it, I suddenly remembered something that happened during my youth that makes more sense today, than it did back then.

I remember the lady who works in dad’s clinic, Jean Baker, I think, came to visit mom and she was talking about dad. She said, “Elly. I saw John working on a small black boy, while he was screaming bloody, murder. John had a strange look on his face as he did dental work on him, while at the same time he had the boy’s body pinned down with his right arm. Then I saw John chop off one of a little blonde girl’s pigails and said, ‘Are we not going to see that lovely smile, Melissa?’ Then I saw John after he had hurt a patient, whom we all knew was a man who was accustomed to giving himself his own haircuts and grabbing people by their shirts, say, ‘Certainly…by all means let me know if you feel any pain!’ Then I had to tell him, ‘Those supplies you needed immediately have been backordered till next month, John.’ The whole time he has this odd grin on his face.”

Jean Baker continues, “Then I saw John hallucinating by this old lady that her breath was producing garlic and onions. Then I saw him deal with a lady with the baby that bites, and he said, ‘…and let’s just keep him home till he’s over this biting habit.’ Then I saw him go into his car at the end of the day, and honk the horn as he prepared to head out into traffic. The whole time he had this weird smile on his face. What was he like when he came home?”

Then I remember mom saying, “Oh, the same as usual. He growled and made some kind of sexist remark.” Then I remember when I was young, interrupting that conversation and saying, “No he didn’t. I was looking out the window. I said, ‘Mom. Mom. Daddy’s home.’ Then I opened the door for him and said, ‘Hi Daddy.’ Then he just “Growl”-ed so loud my hair went back off my forehead. There wasn’t any kind of sexist remark.” Mom disagreed, and so I demurred. But then Jean Baker said, “Well, I just thought I would point it out because we have been missing some Nitrous oxide in the office, and Dr. Patterson has been spending more and more time in the supply cabinet between patients. And he smiles a whole lot these days at work.”

Mom said, “Smiling and then growling when someone comes home is a time-honoured tradition in the Patterson family household.” I guess that meant if dad had to stop growling, then mom would have to stop growling too. However, Jean Baker, just left in a huff and said, “I just thought I would let you have a chance to put a stop to this; but I can see you don’t care.” Later I remember mom talking to dad about Jean Baker and the strange habits of circus folk.

But now I know this new information about Nitrous oxide, that story makes a little more sense to me now.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Funny U shd mention all that. I heard a rumour that nitrous oxide had sumthing 2 do w/all the trub Dad kept having remembering that Everett Callahan is not named Elliott. I wonder if Mom will ever have that guy on the "Who's Who" section of her web site.

Apes

Francie FTW

Liz had another story 2 share abt her recent "d8" w/Anthony:

Okay, so, yesterday I gave you the idea I already left Anthony's house before he had his clause and effect conversation with Frenchy, well, that was what Anthony thought, but actually I was still in his front hallway, eavesdropping, and when Anthony called me on my cell phone to tell me about how he tricked Frenchy, I was really standing in his front hallway in the dark, well eventually Anthony came out to check if the front door was locked and he saw me standing there, and I did not want to admit the truth, that I had forgot the way to get home, how embarrassing, it happens to me all the time but people always look at me weird when I say that, so I said, "I was having some trouble getting my coat zipped," because that sounds more better, and Anthony seemed to think that was a okay answer, because he didn't say anything, he just asked me again if I wanted to have a sleepover, and I said, "No, I am saving myself for my wedding night," and Anthony said, "We'll sleep head to toe," and I said, "But all the sexy parts will still line up!" and Anthony said, "So you weren't waiting here in the dark to surprise me with some 'midnight delight'?" and I said "No, I didn't bring any desserts with me, and besides, I still have papers to grade," and Anthony hugged me really tight and we said our polite goodnights and see you tomorrows, and I felt something hard poking me in the stomach, and it was really annoying, I said, "Anthony, your iPod is poking me," and Anthony said, "That isn't my iPod," so I said, "I'd better go," and Anthony said, "Yes, you'd better go," but he wouldn't stop gripping my arms really hard, so I said, "I'll be going then," to remind him I was going, and he said okay, and we hugged goodbye again, and then I asked him, "Oh Anthony, why is it so hard for me to leave?" because I wanted him to get the hint and stop grabbing on to me so hard, but just then, that evil brat Frenchy, who never sleeps and is always watching, came in the hall with her baby doll and said, "I think you hafta open the door," really snotty like, but for once I didn't care, because I thought Frenchy's butting in would get me out of there with my secondary virginity intact, because I know Anthony will never engagement me if he thinks he can have my milk for free, at least that's what Mom and Dee tell me.

Liz

LOLOLOL! Sorry, what Francie sed kinda cracked me up. Hey, Liz, remember that time U 4got how 2 use the doorknob an' U cdn't leave the house 'til Dad opened the door an' let U out? And ew, so don't wanna think abt Anthony's not-iPOD!

Apes

Who claused this?

Liz wrote in 2 say this:

April,

When I got home that night, Anthony called me up and told me how he tricked his brat kid into letting us still date, he asked Frenchy, "So, you don't want me to be with anyone else?" and Frenchy said no so Anthony said, "That's too bad, I told Elizabeth we would meet her tomorrow for supper, shopping, and Santa," and that brat shrieked, "I wanna see Santa!" and Anthony told her I would cry if they went without me, so Frenchy said I could go, then Anthony told me how he made a mental pun about "Clause and Effect" which is a triple pun because of clause and cause but also clause and Claus like Santa, and we laughed until we both wet our pants at that, and then I asked Anthony, "Doesn't it bother you that Frenchy doesn't like me?" and Anthony was confused, he said, "Why would it, I don't let little things like that stop me when I have a good idea, remember, I didn't want to marry Therese, but I didn't let that stop me! And Therese didn't want to have a baby, but I didn't let that stop me! It's no big deal that my daughter doesn't want a stepmother--it'll all work out in the end!" and I said, "Yes, excellent idea," because I hope that means he is going to propose for Christmas, there is nothing I'd like better than a giant diamond for a present, and also, since he doesn't care if Frenchy likes me or not, I think it means Anthony will be okay with us sending Frenchy to boarding school, heck, it is doing her a favor anyway, I told some people at school how Frenchy is only two but looks much much older, and the science teacher got all serious and said, "Oh, that's sad, progeria is a serious disease," and I said, "Prowhatia?" and the science teacher told me it sounds like Frenchy has this terrible disease that makes a person grow old way before her time, and that Frenchy probably won't live to be older than 15, and by then, she will be like a ancient old lady, so I said to the science teacher, "I guess Frenchy should have adventures while she can?" and the teacher agreed, so really, we shouldn't hold her back, we should let her leave home for boarding school so she gets a life experience that would be kind of like college, or heck, she could just run away from home or whatever it takes to make her have adventures before she sadly dies of this super convenient disease.

Liz

Liz, I think that teacher musta assumed that Francie is already lookin' like a shriveled-up old person. I've seen sum of those progeria peeps on TV B4, and they always look like tiny Grandpa Jims and Irises. Francie doesn't have that. She's more like sum 60-yo woman who can't B bothered 2 keep up w/proper child growth and development is in charge of how she looks and acts. Esp. since her size even changes from 1 moment 2 another, according 2 pix I have seen of her.

B-sides, if Francie DID have an illness like that, she'd need her fam more than ever, not being tossed out 2 boarding school or encouraged 2 run away!

Apes

W8ing [on]

Liz sez this:

Okay, more talking about Anthony and his brat, well, Anthony put Frenchy to bed, she is very spoiled, she has bunk beds, which I think is a sign that she has been overindulged, anyway, when Anthony came out I was putting on my boots to leave and he acted surprised and asked if I was leaving, he does this every time I go over, like it is a surprise I am not staying over the night, this is how Anthony is trying to trick me into sexy stuff before a ring on my finger, but now I am smart, and I have morals, so I am saying, "No, big diamond first!", so I told him I had grading to do, anyway, just as we were about to do a polite kiss on the lips Frenchy the Brat started howling about wanting stuff like water and a light and probably also a pony, who knows with her, so of course I told Anthony to go wait on her, and I would wait for him, so he would think I am not annoyed by Frenchy's evil ways, and hopefully get a proposal soon, because if I don't get a ring on New Years this year I will probably kill myself, with drain cleaner or something, goddamn it, I have been so patient, I am too old for this crap, I should be a housewife by now!!!!!

Liz

Liz, U kinda sound like U don't even LIKE Anthony, let alone LOVE him. Y R U so sure U want 2 marry him? I know Mom makes U feel like U R soooooooo old 2 still B single, but really it's not true!

Jeremy an' I R on our way back from TO. We oughta have just enuf time 2 stop @ our houses, get showers and changes of clothes, and go 2 school. It's gonna B so much fun driving in insteada taking the bus!

Apes

Ready

Liz is v. happy 2 B able 2 tell U more abt her recent "d8" w/Anthony:

April,

Isn't it exciting I get a whole week about me and my love life, but dang it is a bummer to get it all messed up by that brat Frenchy and her stupid problems, anyway, I thought Anthony got the brat all packed off to bed and just when I thought we could talk about when he is finally going to make me Mrs. Anthony Caine he started blabbing about Frenchy, so I had to tell him it was okay and I understood why she was jealous since it was just him and Frenchy so of course they have a unnaturallike close relationship, and then Anthony said that Therese has been gone a long time, like a few months or something, and she should of got over her motheral abandonment by now, but I kind of ignored all the Frenchy talk because Anthony said something about "another woman in his house" and I knew that meant me and I got all carried away on fantasies about being Mrs. Anthony Caine and wearing a frilly apron and baking pies and roasts and clipping coupons and vacuuming in high heels and a pearl necklace and a fetching shirtwaist dress and hosting meetings of the Milborough Ladies Aide Society and starting up my very own emergency casserole telephone tree on Striver Drive where Anthony's house is, but then I realized that Anthony was staring at me and he hadn't actually proposed yet or anything so I quick said something like how I could be patient and wait or whatever for Frenchy to come to me, you know, Anthony really eats up that kind of talk, just then that brat Frenchy came back yelling "Daddy Daddy" and she threw herself into Anthony's arms, probably to keep him from taking me in his arms and proposing, so I thought to myself, "Ready when you are...to start shopping for boarding schools."

Liz

Poor Francie. She's gonna have a stepmom who thinx she's a brat an' wants 2 send her 2 a bding school as soon as she can find one that will take toddlers. It seems Anthony told Dad and Dad told Mike that Liz had this convo when Francie was standing in the hallway by her room. Liz, 4 future reference? Toddlers can hear and understand U!

Oh, and in other news, I 4got 2 tell U yesterday that I was going 4 my G2 road test. And I totally passed. Jeremy and I had a fun lil celebration while we watched hockey. Funny thing, the driving examiner remembered having given the road test 2 Liz, and he remembered her having a bunch of thot bubbles abt how cute she thot he was. After he let me know that I'd passed, he sed that he was v. relieved that my thot bubbles were stuff like, "Parallel parking. Car in reverse. Turn the wheel 1x 2 the rite. Back up until I'm @ a 45-degree angle. Turn the wheel 2x 2 the left. Back up until I'm lined up str8 in the space. Wheel 1x 2 the rite. Car in drive. Pull forward slitely. Car in park. Smile." So, woot! G2 licence ppl! I can drive w/out an adult (w/certain restrictions). Yay!

Apes

Getting Bigger

Liz had sum disturbing stuff 2 share abt the Anthony-Françoise dynamic:

Okay, so the next thing what happened was that Anthony tried to correct Bratty Frenchy's rude ways by saying I was sitting on the couch first, but I of course had to show Anthony that I would be a good stepmom so I didn't say Yeah have good manners or I'm sending you to boarding school, instead I said I would clear our cocoa cups but instead of going to the kitchen I listened in, and that brat Frenchy started complaining why come I'm over their house all the time, and Anthony said he likes sharing things with me, and I mentally giggled because mostly what he likes to try to share with me is in his pants, and I keep having to tell him not until the wedding night because I am a virgin*, and then Frenchy told him something like she should share that stuff with her, and I almost giggled out loud, because that would be illegal by what we learned in school, and Anthony tried to tell her he needs a big girl for that stuff, which I almost got mad about, okay so I don't weigh 125 but I am not totally fat, I don't have my own postal code yet like Mom, anyway, Frenchy said she would grow, and I thought that this was definitely true because in like 2 years she has growed enough for 6 or 7 years, probably by our wedding she will be a teenager and will want to go to the boarding school I get for her, because she will be all martiany and strange like you April, anyway, it is clear the apple felled not far from the tree and Frenchy is just like her mom, what's her name, Mrs. Frenchy, or whatever, you know, the selfish bitchy one who didn't like me and ran away with a man, that is something I could look forward to I guess, Frenchy running away with a man, anyway, I thought to myself that Anthony would be very lucky to get out of this sitchuation without having to tell about s-e-x, so we will see tomorrow how it all went, I have to go find Shiimsa and put the glasses and freckles on her, and practice fending off Anthony's advances some more, he is hard to convince, I keep saying, "Who do you think I am, some French whore?" but it hasn't worked yet.

Liz

And she added this afterwards:

Oh yeah, as far as Anthony knows I am pure and untouched, that is what I told him, and anyperson who says different to him is gonna eat a knuckle samwitch.

Liz

Wdn't it have been kinder and less damaging 4 Anthony 2 tell Francie that he needs adult, non-relative female companionship?

Oh, and don't worry abt me b-ing the NEperson who sez "different" 2 Anthony. He deserves whatevs he gets w/U.

Apes

Back to Liz/Anthony

Liz is v. happy cuz we R back 2 a Liz/Anthony story. Here's what she has 2 say:

April,

Yay, we are finally back to my turn!, anyway, I brought Anthony one of Mike's free books because Mom made a list of people we hadn't collected compliments from yet and said it was my job to collect some compliments from Anthony, anyway, so I took the book over to his house one night after Frenchy was in bed, and told him he had to read it right then, well of course after reading the first few words Anthony immediately said, "Your brother writes well, Elizabeth," in the very formal way he does now that we are Polite Dating, and I acknowledged his compliment properly by thanking him, as I am a Patterson I am authorized to accept compliments on behalf of all other Pattersons, then I checked some of the things Mom told me I could say in response to a compliment, I wrote them down on my hand, anyway, I picked the one about how Mike has always been a good writer because the other ones were all blurred from my palms sweating, I was nervous, it has been awhile since I got to be the focus of a real-time love life story line, anyway, just as I thought we might get down to some serious complimenting business, Frenchy popped out and started to shriek bratty-like that she wanted to see the book, which at first I thought was stupid because she is only supposed to be like 2 years old, but when I saw her it made more sense, because her aging is going so fast now, she looks like she is 6 and talks like it too, also she is advanced in brattiness, but that is only to be expected because of who her mom is, being French-Canadian is a terrible handicap, and you can tell that Frenchy is meant to be thought of as handicapped because she looks a lot like Shannon Lake, anyhow, before I knew it, Frenchy was horning in between me and Anthony, being a romance speed bump and insisting Anthony was hers all hers, and I tried to sweeten her up by asking if I could sit with them, but Frenchy said I could only sit on the other part of the couch, well, let me tell you, I almost gave her a good old fashioned Patterson drowning in the creek of children we do not really want, but then I remembered that soon I will be the stepmother and I can send her to boarding school, I can't wait.

Liz

Liz, watch out. I have a feeling the pt of all this is going 2 B it's not as EZ 2 win over Francie as U thot it wd B when U suggested the ice cream way back when. U mite wanna nix the boarding-school talk 4 a while, eh?

And sorry 2 hear U hadta compliment Mike. It alwayz makes my teeth hurt when I hafta do that, and Dad sez there is nuthing a dentist can do 4 that kinda tooth pain.

Apes

Mom's scary memory

Mike and Dad found themselves watching Mom having thot-bubble reminiscences, and Mike lived 2 tell abt it:

April,

Formerly little sis. As I understand it, my muses of Sheilagh Shaunessy and Leonard Driscoll got into a little battle over my brain yesterday, despite your comment that you didn’t think my brain was anything to fight over. Somehow or other, my mother got involved with the situation and ended up braining me with a bathroom scale. That snapped me out of it, but then I became aware of my mother looking forlorn holding the scale and saying, “I wish I weighed now, what I weighed then!” Then thought bubbles starting coming out of her head and everyone rushed out of the house screaming, “Run away! Run away! She’s reminiscing!” I say everyone, but dad walked in at that moment, took a look at the thought balloons and said, “Michael. Do you remember that time we found your mother in the kitchen late at night almost choked to death on a chicken bone while also eating pie? I remember saying to her, ‘Next time, eat the pie and not the chicken. No bones about it.’” Then dad laughed and giggled to himself for a bit.

I said to him, “Dad. Is that the story these thought balloons are trying to tell?” Then dad looked at them, “I suppose so; but it is from your mother’s perspective and whenever she tells these old stories, she has a tendency to make it seem like I am a perfect ass. Let’s check them out together, shall we?”

So we looked at the first picture and it was of two legs standing on a green, furry bathroom scale, and a speech balloon with "Not bad honey! ...I'm down to 125!" I said, “I remember that scale. I loved it. You were never cold when you wanted to use it. What ever happened to it?” Dad said, “Destroyed in a fit of pique by your mother when she went over 140.” I said, “Kilograms?” Dad said, “No. pounds. Never did go for kilograms. I don’t know why.” Dad said, “Notice those legs, son. See the adhesive bandage. Obviously this story is set during a time when your mother shaved her legs and cared about her appearance, but not so much she painted her toenails. She was terrible at the shaving though. She usually had a few adhesive bandages on her legs somewhere. Maybe she thought she could shave off a few kilograms, I mean pounds.” Then dad laughed and giggled to himself for a bit.

So we looked at the second picture and there was dad, mom and me eating the heart out of some animal. Dad was holding a giant piece of pie, so I suppose it was really pie we were eating. Dad said, “Mmmm. Pie. Now, if you look carefully, son, you can see your mother’s method of cutting pie was to cut out noncontiguous pieces.” I said, “Noncontiguous?” Dad said, “Pieces that don’t go together. Kind of like an old story and a modern commentary on it.” Sure enough, the pie had two empty spaces in it, and they weren’t together. I said, “No, dad. Really, why did mom do that?” Dad said, “Well, my speech balloon gives you the clue. It says, ‘Are you sure you’re not going to have some of this great pie?’ So, the uncut piece between the two cut pieces was a symbolic indication of her will power not to eat any pie. It was her piece of the pie, untaken. It was as if she were making piece (peace) with the pie.” Then dad laughed and giggled to himself for a bit.

So we looked at the third picture and there was dad and mom, and mom sipped coffee while dad was eating the pie and letting a drop of his mouth saliva drip out of his mouth. Dad said, “You notice how you left your plate on the table, Michael? I think you were 25 or 26 when you finally started putting your dirty dishes in the sink or in the dishwasher. Your mom and I were so proud when you finally put a dish up all by yourself.” I said, “The same way you are proud of me for getting my book published?” My dad said, “Let’s look at the caption. I was saying, ‘I gotta admire your (chomp, drool) stamina, El…but you’re missing some fantastic stuff here!’” I said, “What is with the way you are holding the pie on your fork? It looks like you speared an amoeba.” Dad said, “Your mom’s pies did have a lot in common with unicellular organisms. Of course these days, a unicellular organism is a girl with only one cell phone.” Then dad laughed and giggled to himself for a bit.

So we looked at the fourth picture and there was mom, lying in bed with a come hither look. Dad was partially naked too, but he was talking to a clothes hanger he was carrying. I said, “Dad, do you have a lot of conversations with clothes hangers?” Dad said, “Don’t be silly son. They are just a bunch of hangers-on.” Then dad laughed and giggled to himself for a bit. I said, “Well your caption says you told the hanger, ‘After two weeks of weighing everything I ate and doing without my desserts – I’d go mad.’” I said, “Was mom mad?” Dad said, “Let’s look at the next thought balloon.”

So we looked at the fifth picture and there was mom, lying in bed, and looking shockingly like Elizabeth. Dad said, “*#@! Michael. I want you to know right now, I have never slept with your sister, or anyone who looked like your sister. I have not cheated on your mother.” I said, “No one’s accusing you of cheating, dad.” Dad said, “People ask me all the time, ever since September, if I am cheating on Elly.” I said, “I don’t know where they could have gotten that impression, dad.” Dad said, “Me either, but if I ever catch the guy who is spreading those rumours, I am going to show him exactly what a Patterson does when he is angry.” I said, “Write a scathing newspaper column using fake names?” Dad said, “What? No! Only an idiot would get revenge that way.” I said, “Let’s look at the next thought balloon.”

So we looked at the sixth picture and there was mom checking dad’s pulse, while “ZZZ” was coming out of his mouth. Dad said, “A woman who checks a man’s pulse when he is asleep is a marvel.” I said, “Well, that’s one word for it.”

Then we came to the final picture of mom, red-faced, with cross-eyed green eyes, and sweat or tears streaming off her body in all directions, all while grasping a piece of pie in one hand and in the other a piece of chicken. Dad said, “There she is, choking on the chicken bone.” I said, “Dad this is a horrible picture. It scares me just looking at it.” Dad said, “Well, Michael, you have to put things in perspective. Choking on the chicken bone didn’t stop your mother from finishing up that pie.”

I guess dad is right. Mom is one of those persons with a clearly-defined set of priorities, even from her earliest days.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, while I was hiding from Mom's thot bubbles, I came across a foto album where Mom had a pic of that weird scale U described. It had a caption w/"Scale on which I weighed 125 on February 24, 1980. May it R.I.P." Mom is so weird. So is Dad, of course.

Apes