"Tension" an' "Turning Points"

Yeah, so we have this h'work assignment. I totally 4got 2 mention that we got it yesterday, when Ger an' I were still speaking 2 each other. Our English teacher, who, BTW, is hideous, laid this one on us, peeps:

OK, class, U have each chosen a novel from my list and I xpect most of U 2 have finished them. Yr outlines R due next wk. I want a summary, the predominant "theme"...What was the writer trying 2 say? I want an analysis of the story development. Separate the main plot from the subplots. List the outstanding characters and establish their relevance 2 the story. What "elements" were used? Where was the "tension"? Where was the "turning point"? And--what was the ultimate "resolution"?!!

I'm glad I got this all down yesterday, when I wasn't, like, totally hung over, w/a throbbing headache, wearing Becky's plaid pants an' sweater! As we were leaving class, and since I was still talkin' 2 him, I told Ger, "Man, she sure knows how to ruin a good book."

So, like, I don't know what I was trying 2 write last nite when I was drunk as a skunk on Mrs. McGuire's brandy & lethal milkshake, & I kept doin' song lyrics and babble. I'm way embarrassed! So, like, the tension came fr. Ger's mom deciding I must B like sum golddigger type fr. his dad's st00pid filmstrip, who had 2 sign legal docs 2 keep fr. grabbing Ger's big stinkin' trust fund, which I didn't even know abt, when he turns 18. And Gerald not, like, refusing 2 go along w/it, but instead being like a teeny-tiny lapdog doin' lil trix 4 their tite-arse lawyer! Sum1 tell Ger, who I'm NOT talking 2 rite now, that the correct answer was "April's not like that! I luv and trust her, and that's what she deserves, luv an' trust, not a big ol' legal contract that's, like, the opp of trust!" So, like, NEway, my lawyer Sue was advising me of my rites after Mrs. F. had gone an' fired their lawyer. But then, Mrs. F. was all, "If Gerald doesn't have counsel present, young lady, then you cannot either, and I have 2 ask that your counsel must leave as well!" And Sue was all, "I can't allow my client 2 remain here in this hostile environment w/out counsel present." So we left 2gether & she dropped me off @ Beckers's house cuz I cdn't stand the idea of facing my 'rents just then. And I guess U mostly know the rest fr. Becky's comments last nite. And, hey, I'm not sure if my bein' all stinkin' drunk like that was, like, a turning point in this story, or mayB my hangover is one. I don't know how ppl who get drunk on a reg. basis can stand the hangovers. But Becky sez they just drink more as soon as they feel hung over, so it goez away, but, like, they're alwayz drunk.

So, that's our main plot. Main characters, me, Ger what's-his-name, his 'rents, the lawyers. Other plots include Howard still a dog, Rebeccah's gigz, Paul and Liz having their deep talks (go, Paul and Liz!), Alex and Jeremy figuring out which concerts it's safe 2 go 2. Resolution? Dang, I dunno. So, Dunc's away cuz of his fam going 2 TO 4 sum reason. Oh, I called Liz @ around 1:30 am, like she asked, an' she was really nice abt it, just glad I was OK. And 4 the record, my mom doesn't sing me lullabies @ nite, tho she wants every1 2 think she does. Cuz, she's crayzeeeeeee!

Apes out

Today's Waste of Space

The most interesting thing abt this post 4 U all will prolly B the fact that Ger, Dunc, & I eat lunch 2gether @ school. Last Monday (yeah, still last Monday, the 21st) was no xception. So not only R the evil forces still makin' me rehash this day, ovr an' ovr, but they made me have a lame-arse lunch convo abt thingz we have already been thru here at my blog. Yeah, we know Jeremy an' Becks teamed up, we know the whole story. "Jeremy knows his way around an audio board, April. His father's a professional musician." U know in scary moviez how a character who's possessed gets this red glow in the eyes? & that's how U know abt the demonic possession? I swear, I saw a red glow like that in Ger's eye rite B4 he sed that line w/all that stuff we all knew already abt Jeremy. & Ger sez he saw the same red glow in my eyez. Dunc sez he didn't notice cuz he was @ the wrong angle. But NEway, if "Rebeccah" is a big star sumday (& U soooo cd B, Becks!), we'll B the onez who knew her when she was Becky. Only that's another lame, st00pid thing 2 say, since she's still Becky when she's offstage. ::sigh:: I'm sorry, peeps. I have a bad, bad feeling that I'll still B boring U with EndlessMonday through Saturday this week, an' I can't even guarantee that I'll B able 2 stop next wk. And Thursday, December letterz go up! I'm scared 2 C how Mom will edit me this time, yo!

Jeremy is v. v. freaked that he seemz 2 B goin' thru the premature aging that strikes Mboro's str8 men. I hope we can still find a cure. Plus we still need 2 look for a cure 2 change Howard back fr. doggie 2 human. I know, w/all this going on, how can I B focusing so much attention on one day that happened more than a wk ago? But mayB that's the point. Those evil forces we know abt don't want me 2 focus my energy on more imp. stuff like helping my friendz find those curez! Well, @ least Alex & Jeremy had fun @ that C/W bar last nite. :)

Paul, I hope U find a way 2 get sum actual relaxation in Mtigbusybody! And Liz, pls write in soon, cuz I miss U! I promise not 2 call 2nite!

Apes out

Introducing Rebeccah!

Disclaimer: Yup, still talking about Monday. Not today-Monday, but a week ago, that Monday. I know U're out there rollin' yr eyez, peeps, thinkin' "Move on already! There R other thingz 2 talk abt." But the big EEVILLL wants me to keep talkin' about that 1 day still.

NEhoodles, after Becks & I had cleared up the whole "rap/crap" an' "U're fat" thing, Ger, Jeremy, Dunc, Becks, & I were standing around talking abt the radio commercial. Ger went, "Congratulations, Man! I mean, getting 2 do a commercial on the radio is major!" Becks was like, "I even got paid! My dad booked 3 gigz 4 me this wk--an' Jeremy's doing the audio." Jeremy was all, "We've got, like, professional gear, 2!" I was like, "Wow. I hope everything works out 4 U, Becky." Becks sed, "It's 'Rebeccah', now. No last name, just 'Rebeccah'." I asked, "Do U think U'll become famous?" And Beck--er, sorry, Rebeccah, was like, "Who knows. But, I have been practicing my signature." She then showed me this notebook she has and she had all these pages where she was trying out diff sigs 2 figure out which lks best. She showed me the one Howard likes best & Jeremy's favourite, 2. She sez she's still undecided.

NEway, do U want me 2 say "Rebeccah" all the time, or is Becky/Becks still OK 4, like, everyday stuff?

Jeremy, I will take U up on that invite 4 watching Ger play hockey. Alex has been teasing me, cuz she's fr. the states an' she's more in2 hockey than I am. She's like, "I thot it was, like, a national law in Canada that U hafta B all hockey-obsessed," & I'm like, "Go Leafs!" :)

Liz, pls keep us posted abt Paul & his injuries. V. worried!

Apes

I threw myself a pity party!

I don't know what came over me, but I got the urge 2 call Liz and have a good ol' fashioned pity party one night this past week. It was either Monday or Tuesday, but I've blocked it out till now cuz it was really st00pid.

I asked her if I woke her up, & she didn't say, but fr. her voice, I cd tell I had. An' ooooops, it was way l8@ nite. NEway, there I was, sittin' in my room, crying so hard that I had tears flowing down my cheeks and flinging themselves across the room. Like, get me sum psych meds quick! I was all, "Snifff...Sorry to call you so late, sis...It's just that...I'm not getting along with Mom!" Then I was, like, "An' Becky said I was fat -- right in front of a whole bunch of guys!" Plus, "An' I've got zits like you wouldn't believe!!" Next it was, "Gerald's playing hockey and basketball, so I never get to see him." Followed by, "I lent 10 dollars to a kid at school an' she won't pay me back...." With the grand finale of "I'm ugly and I don't have any FRIENDS!!!"

Yeeshk, like, wtf got in2 me? I don't even know. Not getting along with Mom? What else is friggin' new? The thing w/Becky was rite after she thot I'd sed her commercial on the radio sounded "like crap" when really I'd sed "like rap". Then she was all, "Well U're FAT!" cuz she was pissed. I stormed off all embarrassed, but l8r I xplained abt "rap", an' she laffed & sed, "Well, I really meant phat with a "ph". & we were on 2 the next thing. Zits? Yeah, old story. Gerald, I nev. get 2 C him xcept, like, when I do. $10? Yeah, that bites. Ugly? Yeah, the zits Rn't helping NE at the mo. Friends? Sure, I have friends. Just sumtymz feels like I don't. So, like, whatevs. Sorry 2 bore U w/this, peeps.

The day after I had my lil episode, Liz called me all, "OMG, Apes, I did a total Patterson. When I was telling Gary how upset U were when U called, he sed U're @ 'that sensitive age', & I sed, 'Yeah...1 cry-sis after another!' Ew, Apes! I thot I was training myself not 2 say lame stuff like that, but then out it pops!" I was like, "I know what U mean! I h8 when that happenz!" We Pattersons, we need help!

Alex, that is so cube abt the hairdresser! & I'm sorry I've been harping abt this past Monday. The only xplanation I can think 4 Y I've been dwelling is that "she who must not B named" wants me 2 obsess on that stupid day. & I have a really, really, really, really (add lots more reallies, my fingerz R getting numb) bad feeling I'll B back 2 it 2morrow. Pls 4give me!

Dunc, the thing abt my mom lookin' 4 me & bein' mad. Apparently, Gramps was under the impression that he & I had a "jam session" d8, & it seemz he was all ragging on Mom cuz I missed it. But I swear, he was just confused again. We did not have NEthing planned 4 yesterday. Oh, R U on 4 a jam this afternoon? I cd use sum music 2 relieve the boredom of being obsessed w/this past Monday 4 no good reason!

Becks! Pls hurry & write in! We R all worried abt U & Howard!

Apes

Like Rap, Not Cr...

I think I accidentally offended Becky Monday. Ger really did have something cool that was going on--or Becks did NEway. She got 2 record a radio ad 4 Team Theme Sporting Goods an' she had a radio so a bunch of us cd hear it. It was really cube, I think Dunc mighta helped her learn 2 rap 4 it. So rite after it was dun, Ger asked me, "Well?" an' I was all, "It sounded like rap!" & I totally meant this as a compliment, but I saw this shocked lk on Becky's face an' realized she musta thought I sed "like crap" steada "like rap". Like rap, Becks. Rap.

So it soundz like, other than a minor burn, Alex & Jeremy had themselves a fun d8. Eva's gotten on2 Shannon's e-mail list, unfortunately.

Becky, I can't w8 2 hear abt yr trip. I hope U & Howard R back soon, safe, w/Howard back in human form!

Apes

Gerald's Whispers

While I was in that "integrated program" rm lookin' @ Shannon's "Justin" software on Monday (I know, still Monday!), Gerald came bustin' in, like, "There U R! I've been looking all ovr!" And I was all, "Shannon has a computer program that reads 2 her, Gerald! It is so cool!" Which, y'know, is a bit exaggerated. It was more like mildly cool, but sumtymz U play stuff up 2 B nice. So, NEway, Ger was, "Come on! There's something really cool going on! Hurry up!" And I sed, "Bye, Shannon, I'll C U l8r." Then, like, once we were out in the hall, Ger was all whispering, "How come U were w/her? She's--U know...Retarded!!" An' I whispered back, "How can U B so cruel?!" Ger was then totally staring @ 3 "special needs" kidz in the hall while whispering "What's cruel? Those kidz don't know we're talking abt them." & they were staring back @ him w/these total "Dude, we know U're talking abt us, so step off lks on their faces." God, I was soooo embarrassed. I even felt three xtra zits spring out fr. nowhere on my left cheek. Grrrrr.

This was really weird, cuz Ger's never acted like this B4. I don't know what came ovr him. I'm nervous abt what this is gonna mean 4 our relationship. I sense big anvils about 2 fall fr. the sky, IYKWIM.

Apes

P.S. If I ever manage 2 get this 2 post--sorry it's sooooo disgustingly l8! Blogger has been flakilicious this morning. :(

I Guess Shannon Wants E-mail

More stuff about this past Monday, peeps. This past Monday, yeah. I'm still harping on it. Takes a while for a story, even a dull 1, 2 get out these dayz.

Shannon was showing me her "Justin" program that, like, reads 2 her, xcept she sez it like "I...can...read nething I want...like books...or go...on the..internet...." & she demo'ed by having the thing read her sum story abt "Cathy and Brad" being all, like, followed & stuff. I guess that's what she'z in2, yo. I was being all nice w/comments like "Shannon, this is so brilliant!" & "Sweet!" Cuz what else R U gonna say when U R all "on the spot" like that? Plus, this was, like, cutting in2 my reading time I was supposta B spending in the library. But then I ended up feeling bad. Cuz after I asked whether "Justin" would read her an e-mail if I sent 1 to her, she was all, "Sure!" an' I was all, "That wd B amazing", & then she was, like, "April, if...some...1 sent me...an e-mail....that would B....amazing." So, like, send Shannon e-mail, peeps. Xcept, I guess we shdn't send her NEthing we don't want "Justin" 2 B reading out loud in that "integrated program" room.

So, Dunc, what's this thing U sed U did that was so st00pid U wish U still had zitz 2 hide yr face? I didn't C U on the bus this morning & then I got yr txt saying U got yr mom 2 give U a ride.

Alex is out 2day cuz her fam is fr. the states & they celebrate American Thanksgiving. Happy Holiday 2 all who celebrate it!

Apes

Shannon Luvs Computerized Justin

So, I have sum more 2 say abt this past Monday. I'll prolly have more 2 say abt it 2morrow, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And if there's NE goodness in the world, I'll B talkin' about something completely diff next Monday. But I can't guarantee it. There R forces beyond my control.

NEway, after Shannon had her scaree, violent fantasy abt Becks, she asked me where I was going, & I sed the library, since I had 2 read something there. Shannon got all defensive when I kinda acted surprised that she wanted 2 come along. She was all, "U...think...I can't...read, don't...U. Well, I...can! Wanna C...how?" Shan, she's kinda touchy, eh? The only reason I was surprised that she wanted 2 come along 2 the library was that I needed 2 sit there an' read, & I figured it wd B way boring 4 NE1 2 come along 4 that. But once again, whatevs. So, she led me 2 this room with "Integrated Program" on the door and she booted up a 'puter that was all, "Hello, Shannon. How R U 2day?" I was like, "Cool!" And "That sounds like an actual real guy!!" Cuz it didn't sound all robotic like U'd xpect. Then, get this. Shannon got this dreamy lk on her face like she's totally crushin' on computer-voice guy, and she was all "I know....I...call...him 'Justin'". An' I had this feeling like mayB Shannon & Justin needed 2 B, like, alone 2gether 4 a while, yo.

Good luck 2 Becks, who's on a journey 2 London Ontario 2 C sum1 who's supposta B able 2 return Howard 2 human form. Good thots 4 them, every1, OK?

Jeremy, I'm sure Alex wd luv it 4 U 2 ask her out 4 this wkend. But also, it's not a rule that bf/gf hafta go out like every wkend. U'll prolly want 2, but it's not like, if something happened where U cdn't U'd hafta B all thrown out of the bf/gf club, y'know?

Apes out

Shannon has violent, badly drawn fantasies!

So, like, yesterday, after Becks did her line abt "what-zit 2 U", Shannon sidled up 2 me all asking me how I'm doing, tho it turned out she'd obvs listened in when Becks an' I were talking. When I sed she wouldn't understand, she got all offended cuz ppl assume she doesn't understand stuff fr. being "special needs". Actually, I was thinking she didn't understand cuz her face is clear, but whatevs. So then, she was all, Becky...hurt yr feelings. ...Right? Ppl hurt...my feelings...all the...time...but, I...get..over it." So I asked "How?" & she sed, "I....think posi....tive." I think this is the first time I noticed her talkin' w/an ellipse in the middle of a word, but I cd B wrong. So then she was, like patting me on my lower back while she had this thot bubble w/ a weird, badly drawn an' spelled fantasy. In the fantasy, her mind had drawn her abt 2 lite the fuse on a "roket to Mars" w/ Becky tied 2 it. An' she had Becks being all, "Help!" So, like, I had no idea Shannon was so violent, yo.

So, y'know, I guess it's nice that Shannon was all mad @ Becks 4 me, & trying 2 make me feel better. But I also think it's a bit icky that she like totally eavesdropped like she did. & really, I don't wanna shoot Becks in2 space.

Well, I'm glad 2 say the couple stuff is goin' well. Ger & I had a mad-good "practice" session @ my house yesterday evening. Sorry abt all the xtra cleansing, hon, I'm paranoid abt the zits l8ly! Also, Paul & Lizzie R happily gettin' 2 know ea other, Dunc an' Becks R kissing again, & Alex an' Jeremy had themselves a bit of a stargazing d8 (Liz approves of that, don't U, Liz!)

Apes

Zits R BACK! Shoot me!

Yeah, so I was l8 again 2day. Cuz, y'know, I was trying 2 figure out just what I'd dun 2 make the witch of Corbeil so angry with me that she'd bring the zits back after letting me have a nice, clear face all day yesterday. Yeah, I know Sundays can B like that in our world, but I was hoping sooooooo hard, that it wdn't happen, & we cd spend sum time obsessing abt Mike quitting his job or learn more abt Liz an' Paul, or even Dad making lame punz @ his dental practice while wishing he had more choo-choo time. But no. It's me & the stupid zits again. Y?

So when Becky was asking me Y I was l8, I was in such a funk I came out w/a lame "none of yr beezwax", which Becks totally called me on as a dumb retro line. Tho I guess she caught the Patterson "wordplay" bug when she came out w/"U shoulda sed what-zit 2 U?" This was all kinda weird since Becks knows my whole zits sitch inside & out & she even helped me get rid of them w/the magix, but we all find ourselves doing & saying odd thingz fr. time 2 time.

Well, I can't make this post a real long 1 cuz I'm abt 2 B caught usin' my phone on school property. & I don't wanna have it confiscated 4 the day!

Apes

Give Away/Keep

All this talk abt the future @ Ger's last nite had me thinkin' abt the past & how I'm growing up (when I'm not shrinking). So I put a buncha my old kiddie stuff in a box 2 give away. Then my mom got this lk on her face she gets when she's remembering the past an' I saw all these thot bubbles where she pictured me playing w/my ol' toyz when I was lil Aypo. And she changed the "Give Away" box 2 a "Keep" box and stashed it in her own closet. She totally makes me feel that she liked me way better when I was a toddler. Y'know, when I was "full of beans" & she "loved me 2 bits". Hmm, now I wonder if my shrinking a coupla dayz ago was fr. Mom wishing really, really hard.

So, after Ger's dad made us watch that Milborough Golddiggers movie, he was all, "Now it's time 2 watch sum of my old stag filmz!" But Mrs. F said, "No, Aloysius! U promised!" & he kinda slinked away all pissed. It was weird that with Dr. F all obsessed abt getting his son started on the sex stuff way 2 early, that his mom is like equally obsessed on getting him, like, engaged & planning his whole future B4 we're even outta grade 9. It's a wonder those 2 can live 2gether, let alone B married all these yrs! @ least I got 2 spend time w/my Ger. That was cube.

So, in other news, Jeremy & Alex seem 2 have had a fun d8 last nite & the Leafs won! Yay! Dunc & Becks have made up an' R back 2 the happy kissing. But up in Mtiglalaland, Jesse's gettin' all jealous abt Paul & posting threatening comments on the blog. Chill, lil boy!

Hey, & my face is, like, all clear 2day! Amazing! But Sundays R often oddly disconnected fr. the rest of our dayz. I hope I don't wake up 2morrow 2 find the zits back. :(

Apes

Saturday School w/Bulgy Bangs

So, d00ds, sorry this is sooooo l8! It sux that we have Saturday school 2day doesn't it? The school board got all krazee abt all those absences so many of us have had so far this term. Grownups! :(

Well, Mom let me go in l8 & it took me a long time 2 use makeup 2 cover my cheek zits an' hairspray 2 make my bangs an unmoveable shield 4 my 4head zits. & then sum kid w/a mouth fulla braces was, like, kind enuf 2 pt out that my bangs bulge every time I raise my browz. Thanx 4 that, whoever U R!

@ least I'm done being all shrunken & regressed. Big props 2 Becks 4 gettin' her Mom's spell bk out & reversing that spell. I was way freaked.

So, like Becks sed I'm like Mom's new pastry chef. Mom's way bummed that she lost lirpA, the perfect daughter fr. mirror world. But lirpA was way anxious 2 get back 2 perfect-mom yllE. But, I've gotta get busy helpin' Ma get over that. @ least Ma nev. figured out that Ger & I had been rollin' around & makin' out in the leaves. I luv me sum autumn, peeps!

Jeremy got a note fr. Alexandra sayin' she'd like 2 get 2 know him w/out present or future sisterz. He asked her if she'd like 2 go 2 a Leafs game. Those tix R way hard 2 get, yo! Go Leafs!

Becks, what a freekee story abt Steve an' Anne Nichols! @ least U got sum snickerdoodles out of the deal, yo! Which reminds me, I've supposta make sum snickerdoodles 4 mom this afternoon. Better call Anne 4 the recipe!

Apes out

Edit: I was in such a hurry 2 get this post up, since I'm so l8, I 4got 2 mention the thing abt Grampa Jim havin' my back abt music. Sooo cube! Thanx 4 tellin' me, Becks! :)

Who SHRUNK Me?

OK, so I'm freaked abt my mega-boil zits, so freaked I'm even lettin' Ma hug me. She's all. "We scrub our floors, not our faces!" Gah, I wish I had one of those moms who teach their kids abt skin care 4 real, & B4 they scrub the heck outta their faces! But the worst thing? I've totally shrunk, like I'm even shorter now than I was B4 I had that amazing growth spurt overnite that made me abt the same height as Mom! Now, my head like barely comes up 2 her shoulderz & my limbs R all small & spindly. I lk like I'm sumwhere betw 5 & 8 yrs old! That bad magick fr. Corbeil is really kickin' my arse, peeps! So, like, I'm not going 2 school 2day. It's 2 dangerous. The way thingz R going, I wda been like the size of a newborn by the time the bus rolled in2 school.

Oh, & I saw this thot bubble over my mom's head, when she was cradling me as I shrank further 2 the size of a toddler: "My poor girl. She's between a rock... and a hard place." Is that, like supposta B a punch line of sum kind? Does it have sumthin' 2 do w/what we'd just been talking about? I don't get it.

So, Becky's been sharing stories about the Howard doggie, with sum messages 2 me fr. the spirits of Farley & Mr. B. Farley was totally luvvin' on me, but Mr. B's like super angry, an' I can't really blame him cuz he sez he wasn't fully dead yet when Ma stuck him in that freezer. I had this horrible nitemare last nite abt bein' frozen alive & then Lovey, like, almost turning me in2 stew B4 making a pretty coffin 4 me. Egads!

Oh, I got a txt message fr. Alex saying she's home sick 2day 2. @ least I think she's not shrinking, & her skin hasn't turned grotesque. Lucky girl!

Liz & Constable Paul R like a brite spot in all the scaree we've had l8ly. Keep up w/the happy, U 2, I need sumthin' 2 cheer me up B4 I shrink 2 the size of an embryo & vanish. :(

Teeny-tiny Apes

April "Unspeakable Horror" Marian Patterson

OMG, I don't think I have normal zits, yo. I look like I've got boils. Like something fr. an evil spell a witch mite cast. A dark, menacing witch who mite live in, oh, dunno? Corbeil? If she's still, like, displeased?

Thank goodness we got Lirpa back 2 mirror world. U shda seen her scowling @ me on her side of the mirror this morning cuz she seemz 2 h8 the zits/boils as much as I do, even tho hers are reversed. In case U haven't had a chance 2 catch up on all the comments fr. yesterday, my alter ego self fr. the other side of the mirror got unleashed in2 our world, all cuz my mom had been all "Don't poke at yrself in the mirror" & since I thot that was such a bizarre thing 2 say, I really did try 2 poke @ myself in the mirror, which made "Lirpa" spring out & cause trub all day. Like, apparently in her world, she & Jeremy's other self R a couple & Lirpa's like, a big raging slut. She even tried 2 seduce Gerald, even tho his alter ego's like, her big enemy. & his st00pid dad tried 2 B all standing guard @ my house 2 let this happen! Luckily, Becky's mom usta B in a coven back in her uni dayz, & she knew what 2 do 2 cast Lirpa back in2 her own world. & she wisely figured that this weirdness was linked back 2 the Johnston Institute up in Corbeil.

After Mrs. McGuire got her spell 2 work, she was all yellin' @ Becks 4 going up 2 Corbeil on that biker roadtrip. "U shd have talked 2 me, Becky! I wd have told U that they R involved in the darkest of magicks up there! Wiccans like in my old coven, we tried 2 work against that kind of evil, but this is NOT 4 amateurs!" Then as she was saying all that, the ink-smelling black Newfoundland dog appeared, the one who can talk 2 Becks thru telepathy & tells her he's Howard! More Corbeil evil!

And speaking of which, Dunc has been having these weird episodes where he's doing & saying thingz totally out of "Dunc" character, like the convo w/Becky when she was pretending 2 B Ger. & , like, listening 2 classical while imagining a life like (ew!) my dad's!

Jeremy sez he was all inspired by the luv-looks he was getting fr. Lirpa, so he left a note 4 Alex hoping his words in writing wd prevent NE misunderstandings.

Apes, freaked!

April = Incredible Hulk w/a 2Head

OMG, Liz, U know how sumtymz yr forehead kinda contracts so U lk like U have a 2head? It lks like I'm startin' 2 get that same prob. I noticed when I had my bangs pinned back so I cd obsess abt my (gulp) acne. (There, I sed it. Acne.) @ 1st, it was just on my forehead/2head & I cd hide it w/my bangs, but now it's spreading 2 my cheeks. & it got even worse w/2 much messin' w/it. MayB I need 2 take sum sick dayz until I lk non-scary again?

Becky, R U OK? R U guyz in Corbeil yet? NE news abt Howard?

Liz, Paul soundz like such a sweetie!

Dunc, pls write in! Yr mom sez U've taken 2 yr bed again. :(

Jeremy & Alex, I'm not gonna say NEthing, cuz U guyz seem 2 B in a loop where NEthing can be taken the wrong way. I already had sumthin' I wrote that didn't mean NEthing taken the wrong way, so it's shuddup time 4 me!

That's it 4 now. Sorry so l8.

Apes

Edit: In my hurry 2 get my post up, I like totally 4got 2 xplain the "Incredible Hulk" think in my title. I was getting so worked up abt my zits (acne) that if U saw me, U wda thot I was havin' a roid rage or turnin' in2 the Incredible Hulk. I've gotta relax!

Skin Care = NOT my Biggest Worry!

Y M I even talking abt zits when Howard's disappeared, Brenda's been, like, teleported back 2 her office & she's, like, had her memory of us wiped, & Becky's out lost sumwhere w/her Dad & that guy Orque cuz they went out on motorcycles 2 find Howard? I mean, really, zits? But, yeah, 4 sum reason, I hafta keep telling this zit thing 4 a while, so I'll get it ov. w/ & then get back 2 talkin' abt the more important stuff.

So Sunday, when Mom took me 2 the pharmacy, she was in the aisle, like, reading out all the labels and propertiez of the products. & I just wanted 2 grab sumthin' & go. Thank God Dee was busy w/customers, cuz otherwise they prolly wda had a big "buying zit cream" conference & asked the whole store 2 join in. On the way home, I asked Mom how long it wd take 4 the stuff 2 work, like she'd know. Ha! & she was all, "I don't know. The most important thing is 2 keep yr hands off yr face." Which wasn't that helpful, U know? After I scrubbed the heck out of my face w/Blem Gone, I read an article in Seventeen saying I shd cleanse my face gently insteada scrub, scrub, scrubbing. MayB Mom cda told me that.

NEway, this stuff with Howard & Brenda happened when they were up in Corbeil investigating the Johnston Institute For Better Living (JIForBL). The mysterious midwife Lynn Johnston is, apparently, the big boss up there, & she, like, admitted she's behind the rapid aging in Mboro. Well, she sed she's responsible 4 everything in Mboro, & she yelled @ Howard 4 not doing his "job" properly, his "job" being 2 get every1 2 luv Anthony & want him 2 end up w/Liz. But Y blame Howard 4 that & not, say, Anthony? & Steph the web designer works up there 2, & she, like, threatened 2 erase Howard w/a big eraser! & sed all this stuff abt free will in Mboro being this big illusion & Ms. Johnston deciding whether Becky & I fite & whether ppl think Mom's a saint, & all that! It's like sum of the more trippy stuff we've read in English class! I am so flipped out, I don't know what 2 do!

I'm not gonna post abt our other teenage-drama stuff rite now cuz I M 2 worried abt Howard, Brenda, and Becky rite now! Becks wrote in her last message that she thinks she's gonna die! I'm scared! Constable Wright, R U far fr. where Becky sed she is? Cd U lk 4 a blonde girl traveling w/sum bikers?

Apes out

That "A" Word

So I 4got 2 mention that Mom took me shopping 4 zit remediez yesterday. I h8 the word "acne"! So not fair that Ger, Becks, & that girl Eva all have, like, perfect skin, when Dunc & I hafta have these uggo outbreaks! :(

I cdn't stand it NEmore, so I just came out & asked my mom@ breakfast this morning, "Did U hold a real friend audition? Or a fake friend audition?" & she kinda sighed & sed, "Actually, it was both." & I'm all, "What do U mean, it was both?"

Mom: OK, well U have 2 understand, I cdn't help noticing how U were writing in yr monthly letterz that U need a new friend.

Me: Mom, U kept putting that in my letterz.

Mom: Oh. Rite. But still, U seemed lonely. & I thot mothers know best. After all, I did such a nice job finding yr sister her Mr. (W)Right. (Laughs with her tongue sticking out.)

Dad: Good one, El.

Mom: Thanks, John!

Dad: Don't mention it!

Mom: 2 l8, I already did!

(Both laff w/their tongues out.)

Me: Can we get back 2 the real/fake friend-audition thing?

Mom: O, rite. I 4got!

Dad: Early senility, babe!

Mom: Shuddup and don't call me babe! So, yes, I decided I'd set up these auditions & use my maternal understanding of U 2 pick out the perfect new friend. Then I really did bribe the bus driver so I cd view that security tape & I got this sort of evil plan 2 use the conversation U had with that nice, tight-bunned girl on the bus. I must admit, I was sore about the fuss U and the school board and the nurse and her scientist friend made about the chicken wrap.

Me: Mom, cd U pls admit that those ingredients were not fresh? I heard that U told Mrs. Lake they were "the freshest ingredients".

Mom: (sigh) Yes, that was a lie. But who doesn't lie 2 social workers? & then perpetuate that lie 2 their underlings l8r @ dinner? Remind me, next time I decide I want dinner with "the girls", 2 invite Connie & Anne instead of Moira and Beatrice. Confiding in my employees is so awkward.

Me: So U were gonna admit?

Mom: The ingredients were 2 old & I should have thrown them out instead of feeding them 2 U. But U know how much I h8 2 waste! Really, I didn't think they were bad enuf 2 make U sick! Or if they did, I didn't think they'd do more than make U throw up a little. You're young and healthy, U wd have shaken it off!

Me: Mom!

Mom: Sorry. That was wrong.

Me: So the tape. And the friend auditions.

Mom: Yes, so the little devil on my shoulder knocked the angel off of my other shoulder & sed, "Use that conversation. Undermine April's confidence just like she & all those others just undermined yrs!" So I used the conversation as part of the audition instructions. And characterized it in a very mean way.

Me: Way mean.

Mom: I'm saying! & then I did find sum decent "friend" prospects fr. the auditions, but after Mrs. Lake made such a big deal abt how wrong the auditions were, I decided there was no way I cd use them. & I told Connie what 2 say, & she really was horrified. So they started as real auditions and turned in2 fake auditions. And really, I can C they weren't necessary, b/cuz U clearly made a new friend on the bus.

Me: True.

Mom: And there's yr new friend Alexandra. And I know U're still friends with Becky. And that's fine, April, I know she's a gd kid.

Me: Thanx Mom.

Mom: One thing I ask in return.

Me: ???

Mom: Say "U're a good mother, Mom."

Me: (choking a lil) "U're a good mother, Mom."

Dad: (pretending 2 B choked up) I need my camera, this is soooo touching!

Me & Mom: Shuddup! Play with yr trains! Jinx! Buy me a Coke!

Becky, BTW, Dunc sat w/me on the bus this morning & he sed he's confused abt U & abt Eva. He sed he's still totally in2 U, it's like U R the ultimate fantasy grrl 4 him. & he's afraid that U'll dump him NE day now 4 sum grade-12 stud, so he started 2 think he shd lk 4 a nice "back-up" grrl that was more in his own league.

Liz, I'm so glad U & Paul R having such a nice time 2gether. Mom keeps asking me if I've heard NEthing abt U 2, but I alwayz say NO!

Howard, Brenda, pls keep us posted abt yr progress. & Safety.

Jeremy, Alex, try not 2 get hurt, yo!

Apes out

Viv talks down 2 Liz :(

So, it seemz that up in Mtiggy there was a big veteran's dinner 2 honour 1 man. Liz helped Vivian make pies & was kinda surprised they were doing such a big celebration 4 1 guy. Liz told me that Viv was all, "He represents many ppl, Elizabeth. Ppl who sacrificed everything 4 their country. 1 life @ a time." Liz sez she didn't like the way Viv was talking 2 her just then. She felt like a lil kid being lectured 2 instead of a professional woman helping out an equal. She sez she was thinking, "Y did I have to go & say that as a teacher, pie is one of my favourite subjects? Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

So rite after my last post yesterday nite, my dad, like, showed up @ Gramps & Iris's, all, "April! U have 2 come home w/me! I miss U & yr mom's taking out her menopause symptoms on me! Did U know that between perimenopause, menopause, and postmenopause, the process can take up 2 20 YEARS! Tho the average is 10. If it's 20 4 yr mom, I mite hafta move 2 New Zealand!" So I took pity on Dad & I'm home now. Mom was already asleep when I got home & she went out 4 muffins early this morning, so I haven't seen her yet. Oh, Howard, I still totally wanna hear abt Mom's dinner w/"the girls" Friday nite, when U have a chance 2 tell abt it.

Alex & Jeremy, soundz like thingz went pretty gd last nite! Becks, I hope U didn't hafta sew NEmore buttons 4 Dr. Ted!

Howard & Brenda R doing their big roadtrip 2 Corbeil 2day. I hope everything goez OK.

Apes

Yup, still have zits!

B4 I went 2 Gramps's & Iris's yesterday, I had 2 pack up a few thingz 4 the wkend, & while I was washing up in the bathroom, I got all obsessed w/those zits & I was, like, pickin' @ 'em, which I know I totally shdn't do, but sumtymz, it's just hard 2 resist. Mom, of course, had 2 B all on my case asking me what was takin' so long, like Y wasn't she @ the store pretending 2 work? Nag, nag, nag: "R U poking @ yrself in the mirror again?" & "You're only going 2 make yr skin worse!" & I'm all, "Pls leave me alone!" So she's all, "Ok. I'll leave U alone." (Thank God!) & then I'm like crying & thinking ">SNIFF< . . . I wish I could leave me alone!!" Which was weird, cuz I've never actually thought ">SNIFF<" B4, that I can remember NEway, & also, I've got ellipses in my thoughts? WTF?

So, yeah, I totally overreacted 2 the pimples on my forehead, but I'm not used 2 getting them, & not so bad &, like, nuclear. Tho I make myself feel a bit better by lookin' @ the pix of Mike when he had the big honkin' zit on his nose that made him wanna send Gordo in his place 2 take Tracey 2 the school dance. LOL! Now that was a ZIT!

So, Becky, Gerald, Howard & Brenda have been studying a v. interesting set of filez that Becks managed 2 copy when she was in Dr. Ted' office cleaning. Which she had 2 do cuz his mommy usta do that 4 him, yo! & it seemz that while he's d8ing Becky's mom, Becks hasta B almost a lil mommy 4 him. But NEway. . . .

Alex & Jeremy had, like, a not-Date 2 C hockey w/her 'rents along. @ least it soundz like every1 got home unhurt. Tho Alex's dad, who can't seem 2 remember her name, tried 2 get Jeremy 2 think she's not in2 boyz, which I think Jeremy can C is a lie. & meanwhile her mom was totally trying 2 get her 2 hook up w/sum other guy, who was there mackin' w/a girl? 'Rents! I'll never understand 'em!

So I'm still @ Gramps & Iris's. I haven't decided yet whether I'll go home this evening or tomorrow or even just go directly fr. here 2 school Monday. I have no idea how my Mom's social-worker thing went yesterday--she wdn't talk abt it when I was home getting my thingz & picking my zits. MayB sum1 overheard stuff @ the restaurant or hair salon or bakeshop?

Apes out

Epidemic of Zits

So the girl I was talkin' 2 on the bus yesterday? Her name is Eva. Dunc totally checked her out & he wants 2 meet her, but only after his zits clear up. I've got sum 2, but I can hide 'em under my bangs. Tho Marjee told me the bangs cd B causing them 2. MayB sumday I'll get rid of them, but my mom's got this weird thing abt how I shdn't change my appearnce 2 much--so "casual acquintances" will recognize me. Whatevs. Mom clearly h8's me NEway, so who cares.

This morning, I was so upset abt that st00pid "friend audition" Howard told me about, that I left xtra early. I figured I'd rather stand outside in the cold than B in that house a second longer than I had 2. Good thing I did leave early, but I'll xplain Y in a bit. First, that disgusting "friend audition". U C, I know it happened after I met Eva on the bus, but the stuff my Mom was saying was like sum1 had watched & listened 2 our bus convo & then xplained it in a really mean, wrong way. Cuz, according 2 Howard, Mom told the audition peeps , "Your daughter must be willing to cater to the personality quirks of my daughter. April is blissfully unaware of her poor fashion sense and I do not want her to be traumatized by an ill-timed word of disapproval. Your daughter must be willing to compliment her on every part of her attire, including her hair clip and her shoes." U C? Eva complimented the clip and shoez I borrowed fr. Liz. But I don't have poor fashion sense, yo! The clip & shoez were way cute! Then my mom told the audition mommies, "Unfortunately, my daughter is very poor at math and still closes her eyes to count percentages on her fingers. Your daughter must be willing to overlook that and say things like, 'Math is interesting this year, isn’t it.'" OK, poor in math? I'm not poor in math! "A" average, peeps! And I wasn't friggin' "counting percentages on my fingers." It's not like I was using my fingers 2 add stuff up, I was just using them 2 make a point, like ticking off items on a list. Yeah, it's not the cubest thing in the world 2 do, but it hardly makes me deficient. And the closing of my eyes, that was totally the inherited "smug, close-eyed Patterson" look, & Mom totally does that more than I do.

So here's the thing. I was starting 2 doubt Eva, cuz what if Mom had held 2 audition sessions, but the l8 1 was the only I'd heard abt? After all, Eva does wear her hair in a tidy little bun, and she does belong to a mom-approved "ethnic minority".

So thank God I left early & ran in2 Connie this morning. She was sort of frantically waving me over when she saw me, so I dashed 2 the fence. She's like, "I don't know what's gotten in2 yr mother this time! She bribed yr bus driver 2 let her watch the security tape from your morning ride yesterday. Then she saw that girl U were talking 2 & listened 2 what U 2 sed & did. She decided 'I can use this.' She said, 'Connie I set up some fake friend auditions 4 her. The way gossip travels in this town, it's sure 2 get back 2 her. & when she hears comments that make it sound as if this new girl is my perfect choice for her, it will undermine her confidence, plus make her feel stupid and hideously attired. Serve her right for the whole chicken-wrap debacle. By the way, I know she's doing well in math & that her fashion choices R no worse than what the others her age R wearing. But am I gonna tell her that? No, & I won't tell that 2 Social Worker Lake, either!' I just thought U shd know, April!"

So, yeah, Mom's totally lost it. I think Gerald's dad mite B on2 sumthin' w/that "narcissistic personality disorder" thing.

Apes

Confession changes probability to 100%

OK Liz, I'd better just confess: I've borrowed yr stuff. U know, sum of the small stuff U left behind @ the house. A girl on the bus, who may or may not end up becoming a new good friend, sed she liked the cute hairclip I was wearing, which was totally yrs, Liz. Then I told her abt the shoes, also yrs. This girl asked if U knew I was borrowing yr stuff, & I sed "No yet", but

If we were doing a probability study...I'd say there's a 40% chance she'll B really ticked, a 30% chance she'll B mildly annoyed, a 20% chance she'll have a positive reaction & a 10% chance she won't care.

I'm afraid I had that tm Patterson closed-eye smug look on my face when I sed all this, Liz. Y the F do we Pattz do that? NEway, this girl I'm talking 2 was all, "Math is interesting this year, isn't it." Like a statement instead of a question, but whatevs. & I was like, "Totally!"

So, Liz, there it is. I borrow stuff fr. U. I fig I hafta come clean abt this since U read the blog & all, & the borrowing-stuff is, like, part of the story I've just gotta tell 2day. Also, I had this kreepee feeling that the kid in front of us on the bus was, like, totally eavesdropping & mayB planning on blackmailing me w/this stuff. U know how much Mboro peeps luv the blackmail!

I M soooooo pissed that Michael's going around getting peeps thinking that I killed Farley and Mr. B! D00d totally has it in 4 me, & it's all such liez! But like I sed in the comments yesterday, Dunc's lawyer's lookin' in2 helping w/me on a libel case on a contingency basis.

Thanx again 2 every1 who chipped in on the "buy April a caf-made chicken wrap" fund that Alex Love organized. U guyz put tog. a feast 4 me! U R the best! Speaking of Alex, it looks like she & Jeremy R talking again this morning. Jeremy sed sumthin' & Alex smiled, then she laffed & kinda tossed her hair over her shoulder. Jeremy looked all nervous 4 a sec, but then he smiled 2.

Becky sez her mom & Dr. Ted mite B getting serious, & that wd B OK if it didn't mean mending so many shirts!

Well, I C a teacher glaring @ me, gotta go!

Apes

CAFETERIA some1 else, not MOM some1 else!

Parents just don't understand, do they? Those chicken wraps the school caf makes are killer, d00d, & Mom totally knows I luv 'em, but she was all, "No" when I asked 4 lunch $. "We have pita bread, we have salad, we have chicken." Then when I'm like, "But it's not the SAAAME!! When some1 else makes them, they taste so much BETTER!!!" U'd think she'd understand & just give me the $, I mean, it's not like I don't slave @ that store after school every day, but noooooo, instead she sighs and grumps and huffs ovr 2 the kitchen where she makes me a MOM chicken wrap, getting her grubby Mom hands all ovr it, & I swear it looked like she had this thot bubble over her head w/ "* [swirly] ! [star] [saturn] *". I'm totally pissed. U just know it'll B all soggy & fally-aparty @ lunch when Becky an' Ger an' Dunc an' Jeremy an' Alexandra an' Vicki an' evey1 else in school has fresh, delicious, caf-made chicken wraps. MayB I'll just skip lunch al2gether & study instead. I'm gonna retch!

So, last nite Becks was in the car trunk so she cd spy on her Mom's d8 w/Dr. Ted, & dashing Constable Wright was all, "Howard, pls rescue this yung ladee fr. the dangerous trunk or she cd die!" & Howard did rescue her, & it was so like sumthin' out of a movie. Liz, this guy seems way cube! I'm gonna hafta study some Ojibwe wordz now!

Well, Blogger's bein' a butt again & not lettin' me log in. I'm writing this in Notepad, but I think I'm gonna hafta save it & restart the puter & hope 4 the best. Ergles.

Apes

My Mom is a VAULT. With a BIG HOLE in it!

This morning, as I was leaving 2 get the bus 4 school, Connie Poirier motioned 4 me 2 go ovr 2 the fence. She was all, "April, I can't blame Liz 4 not being the sort of kid who tells yr mom everything. But U've gotta warn her abt letting her guard down during those long trips w/yr Mom. Looks as though her main purpose 4 even going on those trips w/her is 2 get her 2 'open up'. & then what does she do? Comes ovr 2 my place & spills everything ovr coffee! U shd have heard her, April: 'She talked about her pilot friend, Warren. She keeps in touch with him, and there are a couple of boys she knows in Spruce Narrows.' And I asked her, 'What about Anthony?' Yr mom replied, 'That's such a complicated situation. It's best if she stays away from him, Connie. ::sigh:: --I just want her to find some1 who'll make her happy.'" Here I interruped, & I was like, "Y wd U ask her 'What abt Anthony?' Anthony's married and has a baby. End of story." Next!" Connie rolled her eyes & sed, "Yes, I agree, April, but 4 the longest time, yr mom was saying 'We've got to find a way to get poor Anthony away fr. that soul-sucking Québecoise wife of his!' So saying 'What about Anthony' was merely a reflex response. NEway, here's what I sed next: I told her that Liz has plenty of time to find a serious relationship and that her 'biological clock' hasn't started 2 count down yet. U cd have knocked me ovr w/a feather when yr Mom said 'I know', b/c she sure as shit has been acting as if she doesn't. So I took this opportunity to tell her, 'So. . . . don't get so wound-up abt it.' I know U don't like puns, April, but that's usually the only way 2 get thru 2 yr mom & dad." I sed I understood. NEway, Liz, U totally hafta watch what U share w/Ma, cuz she's all "blahblahblahblahblah" w/our deets as soon as she has 'em.

Since I'm not Mom, I won't tell U what Liz sed 2 me when we got a chance 2 chat on the phone yesterday afternoon. Believe me, I'd luv 2 share, but I am doing my best 2 get ovr the worst Pattersonlike traits. So I hafta keep a secret. I think Liz will share more as she gets more comfortable being in this gr8 new sitch. And U'll C that the good Constable has posted in yesterday's comments. Liz told him that reading this blog wd B a gd way 2 get 2 know abt our fam & help understand Liz. So, welcome 2 our crayzee lil blog group, Constable Paul, & "Boozhoo" 2 U, 2. NEway, Paul seems like a real nice guy. & I can't help agreeing he lks kinda like the smokin'-hott Michael Greyeyes. Yum, yum.

There was a lot of other stuff goin' on in the comments last nite, & I'm sorry I didn't get a chance 2 post more. Liz & I were having our convo when I was @ the store, & I thot I was safe, cuz U know Mom hardly spends NE actual time there, y'know, working, but she came in & walked up 2 me just as I was ending this convo, & I was all, "Wow, Liz, that is sooooo gr8! I am sooooooo happy 4 U!" & Mom was all, "Spill the beanz, April! It's OK, U know I'm a VAULT when it comes 2 secrets!" & I sed, "Sorry, Mom, no-can-do. Sister code!" She was so pissed @ me she made me restock the shelves the rest of the evening. And then, when I was home, she sed I had 2 reverse-engineer the Happy Karma Meringue Fondue Fantastic Muesli-Jalapeno Gruyere Mung Bean Surprise. So that took until bedtime, practically.

Becks, Mom's also been yammering on & on abt getting yr Mom hitched 2 Dr. Ted. She sez, "I'll bet marriage will make him a better person. And poor Becky will do so much better w/a doctor as a stepdad. And I'll have all those cakes. OHHHHHHHHHHHH! Those cakes!" That's when I leave the room, cuz it gets kinda squicky.

Howard, I'm sorry U had 2 hear all that boring stuff & smell all that stink @ the oldfoax dinner last nite. I don't know Y Mom has Gramps keeping the Dixie visits a secret fr. me. She's the 1 who made such a big friggin' fuss abt enforcing the Dixie probation. I think she just wants drive a wedge betw us, which is so uncube. & U hafta admit, Gramps's zeitgeist joke is so not funny!

Alexandra, I saw Jeremy giving U that huge box of coffee candies and giant coffee mug this morning, & the CDs. That's pretty cube, yo!

Well, gotta go, next class is gonna start!

Apes out

Mom Gets Snail-Mail From Liz

Liz, I guess, decided 2 get the "Mom taking credit 4 Paul" thing over with, so she sent her a kiss-arsey letter enclosed with the glasses. In the letter, Liz wrote:

Dear Mom, Thanks for Losing your glasses! They were returned to me by a really nice guy. His name is Paul Wright and he's a police officer. You'll remember him from the night you stayed at the correctional centre on your way home from Mtigwaki. Please thank Grandpa again for the telescope, we've had it out several times.

Mom was acting soooooo full of herself abt this letter. She was, like, "Oh, I knew I was doing the right thing! And the Wright thing, with a W, get it?" [Laugh, sticky-outy tongue.] "Mothers always know! Always! I can't w8 2 show this letter 2 Connie!" This was during breakfast this morning, which for Mom was Donna Hayward's Fudge-macaroni potato-chip Pineapple-Mango Cheddar Casserole with Molson sauce. And then she polished off Nadine Hurley's Tofu-Nutritional Yeast Tempei Shiitake Fakin-Bacon Vegenaise Seitan Soy-Mozzarella casserole. She was digging into her third when I left, but I didn't have time 2 C what that last 1 was.

I had 2 have a quadruple-espresso 2 wake up enuf 4 school 2day, but I'm guessing our new pal Alexandra's gonna B all, "Cha, litew8!" Cuz she's got a serious caffeine thing going, yo! But I'm glad U made it 2 the party last nite. U seemed 2 B having fun!

Gerald's been seriously psycho, even though I thot knowing I'd never been pregnant & cdn't have w/out doing it wd, U know, calm him down. But now he's all going on about me "not getting pregnant with other guys," cuz "Gerald's the only 1 who shd B not getting U pregnant, lil buttercup." I'm seriously afraid he's gonna hafta go back & have his meds adjusted again.

I had such fun jammin' with Jeremy Duncan and his friends. Like Howard sed in his comments last nite, Jeremy's dad is an orthodontist, so we cd both share stories abt havin' dads who spend all day with their fingerz in peeps' mouths. Ew. He sez his dad also blames a whole buncha stuff on teenage hormonez, just like mine. Ew. Jeremy sed, "Don't tell D'Ijon, but Pierce has a totally xtreme birthday surprise planned 4 her 2morrow. She's not gonna believe it!" He told me what it is, but he said I shdn't write it here in case D'Ijon reads this B4 Pierce sees her.

I feel really bad that Howard ended up getting punched when Brenda Starr & Becky's mom were trying 2 punch ea other. But he sed I shdn't worry abt it cuz he's in gr8, sparkly handz w/Brenda. & if getting punched up meanz spending more time w/her, he thinx it's, like, totally worth it.

Oh, another thing abt Liz's letter 2 Mom. The part I quoted was all Lizzie had 2 say abt Paul. Mom kept flippin' the letter back & forth & then dug thru the box the glasses were in, like she thot she mite B missing a page. Then she got this "I am so wise" look on her face & she sed, "The less they tell U, the more there is 2 know. Oh my God, John! Do U think R little Lizzie has gone roadside w/the officer? I want my little girl 2 get married & make beautiful grandkids, but she has 2 save herself 4 marriage!" I'm like, "Save herself? Have U 4gotten Eric?" Mom sed, "Eric was just her roommate, April. They had separate rooms. It was perfectly chaste and Victorian." I'm all, "OK, Mom, thanx 4 setting me str8 on that."

NEway, I'd better finish this up & put away my phone B4 I get in trub.

Apes

Pet Squabble an' Stuff

So, you totally hafta read through the comments from yesterday about how Anne Nichols tricked Becky's mom in2 giving Steve an OD of his meds by spiking the pastries he was tasting. Anne was way pissed abt having caught Steve having an affair w/Mrs. McGuire, & it ended up w/Steve being rushed 2 hospital, & Becky, Anne, Becky's mom, & Howard going along in the ambulance. While they were @ the hospital, Anne called Mom, who is captain of the Sharon Park drive neighbourhood crisis phone tree. While she was on the phone, she sed, "April. Go 2 yr room. U're not allowed 2 learn the secrets of activating the casserole phone tree until U R a married lady". So I was up in my room reviewing my French notes when I heard the door slam shut & the 'vASSe start up. I crept down the stairs & found my Dad sittin' @ the kitchen table kinda shakin'. I'm all, "What's the matter, Dad?" & he sez, "Yr mom. She put me in charge of a CASSEROLE TREE. Casseroles, April. They'll start 2 arrive next door. In fact, I think it's starting already. It's going 2 B like a rain of casseroles. Or the reign of casseroles. That's a pun on precipitation vs. a monarch's rule, and even I can admit that's not sticky-out-tongue phunny."

While Mom was @ the hospital, I got a txt message from Gerald: "April, my dove, U R very emotional rite now b/c of the pregnancy loss. I will go out of my way 2 make the partygoers & our classmates aware & sensitive abt the sitch." I just abt lost it & I called Ma on her cel. I had trub getting thru, & now I know it's cuz of all the calls she was getting fr. phone-tree foax abt casseroles. When I got thru, Becky answered, & it took her a coupla mins 2 find Mom. NEway, once I got Mom on the phone, I was like, "Mom. U totally need 2 go up 2 the OB/GYN dept. & make me an emergency appt." She was like, "OMG, April! R U OK? Is it b/cuz U really R pregnant! OMG, I KNEW it! I will kill Jeremy or Gerald or Gerard or Geranium, or whoever did this 2 U!" "Mom, chill, I swear 2 U, I M not pregnant & I nevr was. BUT! Gerald has it in his head that I WAS pregnant & lost the pregnancy. Now he's abt 2 go around telling every1 they need 2 treat me special cuz I had a m/c. & 1ce that rumour takes hold every1 in town will think yr little girl has gone roadside & they'll all say it's cuz U R a terrible mother! We need 2 get a dr 2 xamine me & give us sumthin' in writing that shows I've never been pg!" So, Mom was like, "April, I'm on it!" She called me back 10 mins l8r & sed I have an appt. @ noon 2day w/Dr. Inge Babyfangfederblech up in the OB/GYN dept. We're gonna haul Gerald's baby-obsessed arse w/us so he can hear this all fr. the baby-catching dr's own mouth.

We started getting sum strange calls, like Carol Enjo calling & saying, "April, does yr mom have a recipe 4 plaid leprecaun butternut squash casserole?" & Connie asking "Does yr mom have a recipe 4 "Magic munchkin MnM sausage tangerine cheddar eggwhite kidney bean surprise?" & ea time I got a call like that, I was like, "Nope, but I doubt NE1 else does either, so U can totally make sumthin' up & no1 will know." Most ppl kinda argued a lil bit & ended up agreeing w/me.

Soon, Dad was screeching, "The casseroles! Make them stop! They're piling up!" I sed, "Dad, relax, U R freaking out the pets!" Dad cd C it was true, Dixie ran & hid under Mom & Dad's bed, Eddie howled 4 an hr, chasing Buttsy around like he wanted 2 eat her, & then passed out by the stairs. I stuck Buttsy in her cage & gave her sum lettuce 2 calm her down, & I thought she was calm enuf that she'd stay there w/o me needing 2 lock the hutch, but as soon as I was outta site, she was bouncin' off Eddie's head. So of course, he started chasin' her again, & gettin' all agitated cuz Dad was by the window whining abt the casseroles again. Then I heard Eddie slogging his head in the toilet & then I saw him shaking the water out on2 Butts, who was hidin' out in her hutch again. Yuck.

When I heard my dad outside yelling abt making the casseroles stop, I popped my head out, as Howard sed, but Dad was all, "Go back inside & take covr!" B4 my eyes even had a chance 2 focus.

Much l8r, when Ma was home, Connie was here helping her load most of the casseroles in2 the big deep freezer in our basement. Ma was like, "Connie, it's a relief that poor Anne won't need these after all, but we certainly can't let them go 2 waste!" Dad was in a corner sobbing, "Pls, no more casseroles! I don't think I even wanna know what Marshmallow Spam Enchilada Havarti Tim Balls Melt is!" Ma was like, "Pipe down, trainboy!" At this pt, I was xhausted & I went up 2 bed.

Alexandra, now I understand Y "U" seemed a lil nervous when I met "U" @ Horny Tim's, like "U" were afraid some1 who knew "U" mite come by & say hello. & now that U mention it, I did keep thinking I'd seen another girl @ school who looked almost the same, but w/a nicer nose. So I think I prolly know who U R. No, do not ask Mike 4 help w/yr English paper. He stinx @ writing & wd make U flunk!

Apes

Liz, can I live with you?

Liz sez that as every1 was leaving & she was abt 2 pack up her telescope, that Paul guy asked if he cd look thru it & she told him "Sure!" Also, "April, when he touched that telescope, I wished that telescope were me! But I'm leaving that out if I tell Mom this story!" NEway, when he was looking thru, he sed, "My mishomis* told me that every star represents the spirit of some1 who's passed away." Liz was, like, "That's a nice thought." Then, he was all, "Well . . . If it's OK, I'll walk U back 2 yr house . . . & mayB I'll C U 2morrow." Then, Liz thought, "That's a nice thought 2," while making doe eyez @ him. She sez she'll tell me more deets when she e-mails me 2morrow nite. She sez she needs Sunday off 2 think abt totally random, non-continuity-type stuff.

Well, O.M.G. If U followed the comments fr. yesterday, U know that thru a buncha misunderstandings worse than the stuff U C in really bad sitcoms, Mom, Dad, & even Gerald thought I was PREGNANT! Of all ppl, U'd think Gerald wd know better. Cuz we haven't, U know, done it. But he went all crizazee picking out namez & looking 4 jobs. & Then my 'rents got the idea that I cd B pg w/Jeremy's baby! Well, Jeremy's last comment pretty much xplained how that got sorted out, if U can even call it that. The one thing he didn't know about was what happened when Dad went out 2 get a shotgun. It seemz that while he was out, he got distracted & he ended up coming home w/a new train. My mom yelled @ him, but he was, like, "What? I can hit a teenage boy on the head with a good, solid train!" Alexandra, wd U pls NOT tell yr mom that I'm pregnant! Cuz I'm not! (Also, I wish she wdn't say mean thingz like that abt Liz, who's not an idiot!) & U totally hafta convince her that U R not d8ing me! Tho Gerald sez he's got a new fantasy now. . . .

& I still need 2 tell U about the play last nite, Mike's Romie & Julie, supposedly a modernized Romeo and Juliet. Well, here's a lil review in our local paper:

If you would like to see a modern adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, please consider renting William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet (1996), or West Side Story (1961). Do not, under any circumstances, see Romie & Julie, Michael Patterson's erstwhile adaptation, currently at the Toronto Little Dinner Theatre. I don't exaggerate when I say the rubbery chicken was the best part of my evening.

Not only does Mr. Patterson demonstrate a complete lack of understanding of Shakespearean language, culture, and nuance, let alone the point of the original play, but he introduced baffling changes and new material. In order to understand the meaning of these bizarre additions, it was necessary to read some of Mr. Patterson's other writing. I was unfortunate enough to read his article "Knocking on Wood, Neighbours From Hell", a so-called "humourous exposé" about his downstairs neighbours; a recent interview in The Clairion; an "Edgewise" column called "Wedded Bliss or Bedded Miss?"; a profile called "Josef Weeder, Photographic Genius"; as well as some very frightening fan fiction based on the U.S. series Star Trek: Next Generation. I have reached the conclusion that Mr. Patterson, who has somehow stumbled into a coveted position as editor-in-chief of Portrait magazine, is congenitally incapable of writing anything without introducing autobiographical elements. These autobiographical elements are all the more disturbing since they appear to constitute the writer's attempt to lash out at the people in his life.

For example, many audience members were baffled at Mr. Patterson's choice to make the feuding families the Montagues and the Sobinskis. In light of my research on Mr. Patterson, I am unsurprised to discover that this is his wife's maiden name. Another oddity was an interlude that bisected the fifth act. An actor dressed to resemble a sheepdog jumped into a river where another actor, depicting a small girl with a bowl cut, was splashing and thrashing. The dog woofs, "Reye'll rave roo, Raye!" And he jumps in, grabbing ahold of the little girl, who then pulls the dog's head under the water and shouts "Doggie breathe under water!" There is also an odd soliloquy where Romie praises Mercutio's artistic ability and nose while complaining that Julie is cold and uncompromising. Space limits preclude me from providing more instances of Mr. Patterson's Shakespeare butchering. I know it is a cliché to note that a dead author is spinning in his grave, but I'm pretty sure I can hear the actual spinning all the way from Stratford.

So, yeah, it was pretty awful, yo.

And in case U hadn't heard, Mike is now telling ppl that I killed Farley by holding his head underwater! That is such a lie, peeps, & I don't know WTF is up w/that! Look @ the stills from the documentary the CBC did abt my accident & tell me if it lks like I evr pulled that poor doggie's head under water, as if I evr cd or wd! Mike = arse! (& Becky, thanx 4 that dirt abt Mike & his lil "visits" 2 Martha McRae. That cd B v. v. useful!)

Well, I'm meeting Dunc @ Horny Tim's in a lil while cuz I've just gotta get outta that house! I was planning on getting 2gether w/Ger, but he's being so weird, I just can't do it!

Apes, not pg, not a dog killer

*OK, so I didn't know what this meant, so I checked the Ojibwe dictionary Liz told me about, & the closest thing I found was "Grandfather: mishoomis". So mayB this Paul guy was so xcited abt Liz that it came out kinda wrong?

Lizzie thinks Constable Paul is Hott!!!

Lizzie says that after this Paul Wright guy xplained abt driving up 2 Mtrigonometry w/Mom's sunglasses, she sed, "Thank you, Paul. That was so thoughtful! Um...would U like NEthing? Coffee? Hot chocolate?" And then she thought, "My phone #?" & check it how she was already calling him "Paul" when they 1st met. She sez he's way cute.

Howard was nice enuf 2 post a comment telling me abt all kindsa stuff he heard my 'rents saying, esp. abt me, when they were @ the restaurant last nite w/the Nicholses. Mom was all proud of herself 4 finding out fr. my IM records that Officer Paul had shown up in Mtig w/the sunglasses. LOL, Liz & I had that chat on purpose cuz we knew Mom wd snoop & find it, & this wd keep her fr. going 2 more xtreme snooping methods. I don't even use IM NEmore 4 NEthing real. & what I do use, I don't leave NE trax behind. I've learned that lesson.

So another interesting thing Howard shared was Mike gave Mom a list "translating" thingz I mite say 2 her, pretty much so NEthing I say is supposta B sumthin' that cd get me in trub. Here was the list, in case U missed it in yesterday's comments:

How was your day, mom? = The principal caught Gerald checking out my barrette again.

I got an A in English = You are the stupidest mom ever

I got an A in French = I am going to move to Quebec, and will speak only French for the rest of my life.

You look nice today = You are so ugly and old it scares me to look at you.

Can I go to Gerald’s house to jam? = Gerald and I are doing it in his garage.

Gerald and I would like to go out on a date this weekend = Gerald and I are planning to conceive a child out of wedlock

That’s my favourite music = I picked this music because it has a subliminal message that will make you do my will.

Don’t you think you’ve had enough to eat? = I am going to slowly starve you to death and then run off with the insurance money.

I don’t mind working at Lilliput’s tonight = I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

This school uniform isn’t bad.= I am looking forward to a life in women’s prison.

Can U believe that shizzit? I think we shd totally make up our own "Michael" glossary. It wd go sumthin' like this:

I had 2 work l8 = Weed & I wanted 2 hang out & watch p*rn again

I don't say often enuf how much I appreciate my wife = I take D 4 granted, but she's married 2 a genius. Suck it up, woman!

I've got more freelance gigs = I've been making deposits @ Jeremy's mom's sperm bank again

I sacrifice 4 my family by working long hours & then writing in my attic until every1's asleep = I hide fr. my family b/c I'm afraid of them

I've had some good feedback on the Kelpfroth article = the feedback was @ least 75% negative

At night, lying next to Deanna, I listen to the voices of the characters downstairs. = At night, lying next to Deanna, I listen to the voices in my head & thank God the wife's already asleep.

From her mother, Deanna inherited the ability to create soup from leftovers = Mom doesn't know how 2 make soup

April is an angsty teenager = I can't handle how she's like a million X kewler than I cd ever B

Peeps, feel free 2 add yr own in the comments!

Apes

Enter Mr. (W)Right

Yeah, so Gary was telling Liz what a stupendously gr8 idea it was 2 have the star shindiggie, such fun, blahblahblah, when who shows up? The Gallant Constable Paul Wright with the Rx sunglasses mom purposely accidentally left @ the station in Otter County. Now, Liz has been xpecting this 2 happen NE day now, but she decided 2 play it like she had no idea what he was on abt delivering sunglasses out of the blue like that. She says he seemed a bit flustered & was all "I just wanted 2 give U these. Now. I mean . . . as soon as possible." So, yeah, Liz has met Mr. (W)Right. My fam will luv that since they adore puns more than life itself, more than the souls of their children. But my mom doesn't luv 'em as much as she luvs baked goods.

U know, the more I think abt it, the more pissed I am that Mike showed Mom how 2 snoop on my IM transcripts. Yeah, I can totally get around that, but still, it really bugs. Do U think I shd B all helpful 2, & show Ma how 2 access Mike's v. special fanfic? Nah, I'd better not. She'd either (a) blame me somehow or (b) say that all genius writers do a lil bad slash 2 help them unwind after a hard day of hiding from sacrificing for their families.

Well, after yesterday, I M pretty sure I never wanna B a dentist. & my Dad's associate? Eliot Everett? I usta think he was a total morsel, but U know how some1's personality can make the person seem more or less cute? With EE, it's def. less. He just overdoes that faux-Keanu surfer-d00d-dentist thing. & I totally refuse 2 call him E-squared. Do like me & call him 2E, or Tooey (rhymes w/Huey), LOL!

Apes

See STARS!

Oh, 4 heav's sake! So they got all their refreshments 2geth, & Lizzie got the telescope set up. She referred 2 her star map w/Gary, 2 fig out where 2 point 4 the lil & big dipper. So Liz gets the big dip in her telescope, & Gary announces "Turn off all your lights! Polaris is in the telescope!" & Liz heard some1 say, "Who needs Hollywood when U can line up here 2 C a star?" Girl, please! So was Gary's phrasing supposta B like when those old Elvis concerts wd end w/"Elvis has left the bldg" (Or 2 put it in terms my mom wd understand, "Bobby Curtola has left the bldg")? Just so much bleah. & NEway, wasn't the whole pt of Polaris supposta B that U don't need a telescope 2 C it? That's Y the ancient sailing ships cd use it 2 navigate? I dunno, I think I give up.

So, in a lil while, Dad & I R going 2 his dental practice, cuz this is "Take Your Child To Work Day". This morning, mom was all, "Last chance 2 change yr mind & spend the day @ my store!" Cha, yeah, no thanx, Ma.

Last nite was Robin's 1-yr bday celebration, @ a restaurant in Toronto called Nixie Knox. Mike, Dee, Merrie, Robin, Mira, Wilf, Gramps, Iris, Mom, Dad, & I were all there. Merrie was in a booster seat between Mike an' Dee, & Robin was in a hi-chair on Dee's other side. Mira & Wilf arrived w/a big ol' present that turned out 2 B the Leapfrog Learning Table, which lks like a really cool toy that Robin will enjoy. But rite away Mike started grumbling abt how much space it wd take up, & Dee fretted abt the noise it wd make. My mom, w/her famous smug look on her face, handed over 1 of her infamous coupons 4 "time with Grandma". Mike an' Dee totally gushed ovr it, & I felt so bad cuz it lked like Mira was rite on the verge of tears. Fortunately, Gramps cut the tension by making 1 of his jokes abt getting old & having lots of gas. My prezzie 2 Robin was a Little People School Bus. Mike was like, "Well, that's v. nice of U, but someday U shd start following Mom's xample & offer yr time." & I sed, "Nice gift horse, but let me open his mouth!" Mike was all, "U & horses again! MayB we shd C if it's on the menu!" This made that whole Mary Worth nitemare come back 2 me, & I was almost in tearz myself. My mom was all, "I swear, April, I think yr birth certificate has a typo on it. U shd B 'April Martian Patterson', not 'April Marian Patterson.'" I must have had my ultimate WTF look on my face, cuz Dad cut in with, "Oh, April, learn 2 take a joke wd U? U teenagers, U're so emotional!" I sed, "Oh, I C, it's OK 2 say NE hurtful thing as long as U l8r call it a joke? Well U know what, Dad? Dressing up in an engineer's costume, complete w/a CAP, so U can play w/yr lil choo-choo's, is LAME! Just kidding! Joke! Mom, U have been going thru menopause since 1994. I have no memory of U not having the flappa-flappa-flappa hotflashes, & mayB it's not normal 4 yr change 2 go on this long! Call Dr. Ted, already! Oh, just kidding! Take a joke! Mike, yr writing sux! Dee writes way better'n U, & she's a pharmacist. Oh, j/k!" B4 I cd go on further, Mom told me not another word fr. me 4 the rest of the nite or I lose my Gerald privileges until New Year. Gramps was all, "April, listen 2 her, she's not kidding when she gets like that!" & I just nodded quietly, cuz I know he's rite.

So I was quiet 4 the rest of the nite, yo, & that was tuff, lemme tell U! Over appetizers (Mom had 6), Ma was all, "So, Wilf, I heard the Mayeses had a v. special dinner 4 U Saturday." Wilf sed, "Yes, & it was v. touching." Mom huffed, "Well, U know the Mayeses offered 2 throw me a special dinner 2, U know, but I turned them down, saying it wd B way 2 flashy & I was 2 modest 2 accept. I saw Wilf & Mira xchange a knowing lk, but they let this pass.

Then I saw Mike totally kick Dee under the table, & 4 a sec she had a WTF lk on her face, & Mike did this lil gesture lifting his chin toward her & glancing @ Dee's 'rents. Then she got an "Oh, rite" lk on her face & she sed, "Mom! Dad! Wasn't Mike's 'neighbour' article in The Clarion hysterically funny?" & Mira said, "I'm sorry, but it sort of made me feel sorry for the neighbours", and Wilf said, "It was awfully one-sided!" Mike was all, "It was only meant 2 B a humourous exposé, not a journalistic retelling of our conflict". And Wilf said, "But when U use the word 'exposé', doesn't that connote a journalistic piece which, albeit done in a humourous fashion, should still abide by journalistic standards?" And here, my mom cut in with, "You just don't understand how a genius thinx!" And Wilf was all, "Yes, I guess I don't."

When Dee ordered chili for Robin, Mira was, like, "Isn't that 2 spicy 4 a 1yo?" And Dee was like, "Mom, U R so culturally myopic, which isn't surprising, as you come from a homogeneous family situation. But I learned in Hondoras that babies can eat just about NEthing we do, w/the caveat that U still need 2 introduce new foods 1 @ a time in case of allergiez & sensitivies. I have an article I'd be happy 2 4ward 2 U." & Mira was like, "No thanx, dear, never mind!"

Gramps felt bad that I cdn't talk during dinner, so he started 2 pass me notes. "Don't worry, April, 4 yrs is a short time, & then U can get out of that madhouse!" I had 2 tuck the notes away fast 2 keep Mom fr. intercepting. Fortunately, having lots & lots of food in front of her slows her down abt these things.

I'll post more deets abt the dinner if I think of NEthing else. This post is getting way 2 long! BTW, sum foax e-mailed me & sed "I thought U & Becky were in the same French class. U posted abt her falling asleep while conjugating verbs." U C, I was getting 100% on my essays & tests, so my mom stuck in her big navet nose & insisted I B switched 2 honours French, 5th period. Whatta drag!

NEway, Dad's yelling that it's time 4 us 2 leave 4 work!

Apes

November letters!

So, Steph got our November letters up this morning, so it's time 4 me 2 make my usual comments. I don't really have 2 much 2 say abt my own letter this month, 'cept, OMG, can U believe what a snitch Mike is & what a snoop Mom is? OK, so now she knows how 2 find my IM history, but gd thing Michael has no idea abt ICQ. & besides, Gerald & I mostly txt ea other w/our phones NEway. & Mom still totally doesn't know abt this real blog. She totally luvs the fakey one.

So, Mom, Dad, & even Gramps are totally harping on whatta teenager I M, w/Ma sayin' I'm a Martian. Hey, @ least I haven't been going thru puberty 4 ovr 10 yrs, like my mom & the LONGEST MENOPAUSE IN THE HISTORY OF FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS! & Mom & Dad totally want U 2 believe I'm so diff fr. how Liz an' Mike were in their teen yrs. I'll bet sum of U out there remember how Mike an' Liz were & can say otherwise!

& Gramps thinks we jammed this past wkend? WTF, we did not! This isn't 2 say we nev. do, but we didn't this past wkend. Oh, & zeitgeist? Buy a dictionary Gramps! It's fr. German, & it's like, literally "timeghost", or rather the "spirit" of one's time. Grip up, Gramps. That was totally a grade-9 vocab word this semester.

So, Dee's trying 2 sound all intellectual w/stuff like "homogeneous family situation" & "multiethnic society", & tries 2 sound all open-minded w/"My time in Honduras was probably the biggest shock of my life, but at the same time being around people whose lives could not have been more different from mine made me less self-centered and more aware of the fact that my personal perceptions and prejudices are not necessarily representative of reality." But then she seems 2 4get all abt that when she gets 2 talking abt the Kelpfroths & Lovey plotting against them. So now Lovey's story is that the doggie tore open the Kelpies' trash & then detective-lady Lovey had a big ol' breakthru w/the plaster. But I still don't understand how she cd leap 2 the conclusion that the plaster = the Kelpfroths damaging the apt.

Mike, in case U hadn't picked this up fr. his previous letters, is like the bestest writer & editor evah. But he totally appreciates his neglected wife, yo. And Dee uses both pasta and poetry in her cooking. I 8 a poem yesterday, but it totally gave me heartburn, peeps!

OK, this is kinda weird, but my Mom totally decided 2 edit the pets' letter this month. No, Gramps has not been getting Dixie visits every wkend, cuz he's on Dixie probation until Xmas. I guess Ma doesn't want ppl 2 think she's a big ol' meanie, denying an oldie access 2 his rat-dog. Speaking of which, "border collie"? I totally had "sheltie-rat mix", but Mom decided to change that 2 acct 4 how Dix doesn't look like the breed she's supposed to B. But guess what? She doesn't look like NE border collie either, Mom! Nice try, tho.

Oh, BTW, I'd totally 4gotten abt Robin's b-day & our dinner celebration 2nite. Happy b-day, lil guy! So, it's gonna B Mike, Dee, Merrie, Robin, Mom, Dad, Gramps, Iris, Mira, Wilf, & me @ sum fancy restaurant in Toronto. Deets when I have 'em after!

Apes

Edit: OMG, I can't believe I 4got Lizzie's letter! Sorry about that Liz, I hope this won't make U not wanna have me up there 4 spring break. Tho, I gotta say, w/all the creepee storiez U've been telling me abt the ppl up there, I'm not so sure it's worth it just 2 get away fr. Mom & Dad 4 a while. Oh, who'm I kidding, of course it is! NEway, Liz, I can't believe U're doing that astronomy unit 4 the whole month! God help U! Liz tells me that Mom put in that lil line abt "seeing less of Becky". I think she's hoping I pal up w/Shannon Lake or sumthin'.

Now it's a stargazing party

Wow, I guess those Mtiggylala folks lead really dull lives. They went all crayzee when they heard Lizzie has a map of the stars.* One person told another, who told 2 friends, who also told 2 friends, & so on, & so on. This Marg person told Liz, "It looks like most of the village is coming to your stargazing party, Elizabeth!" & when Liz sed, "Wow. I never expected it to be a party", Marg was all, "Well, it is now!!" I dunno, mayB I'm, like, a stiff southern-Ontario type, but it seems a lil bit wrong 2 turn a lesson in2 a party. Well, I've sed it B4, but I'm guessing Liz has learned not 2 tell her students they can bring NE1 they want 2 NEthing from now on.

In other news, if U haven't already, U totally have 2 read about the revenge prank that Dee, Carleen, Sabina Khan, and that model Sophia played on Weed an' Mike (C yesterday's comments). Ha ha, Weed, this time U got 2 wet yr pants!

Apes out

* I mite B able 2 understand if they thought it was a "map of the stars' homes" in the Hollywood sense, but it seemz clear they knew it was stars in the sky. & besidez, they're 2 far fr. Hollywood 2 visit those homes, NEway. So, whatevs.