The Patterson "Pun" Program + the Patterson "Sanctimonious" Program

Liz put up this post in last nite's comments:

After I told Gary that I would handle Paul's racial makeup in my own way, Gary said, "Speaking of that--your parents don't mind you dating a guy who's part Indian?"

I said, "No, why should they?"

And Gary said, "Well, some people object if their kids go out with someone of a different race."

Then this weird sensation came over me. It was like I was being controlled by some sort of program that was set to go off at the mention of the word "race."

"Race!" I repeated, and I felt my eyes go wide and round like saucers. Then I said, "I wonder why we say that people are of different 'races.'" As soon as I said that, I thought it sounded kind of dumb, but I couldn't stop myself.

Before I knew it, I said, "It seems to me, we're all running at the same speed and heading toward the same destination." I felt my gut twist hard as I realized where this program had come from. It was a "Patterson Wordplay/Pun Program." Even worse, it was of the "Smug, Sanctimonious Speechifying" subtype.

But I couldn't stop myself. I finished up by saying, "The only 'winners' are the ones who've made the world a better place for having been there!" I knew I even had the patented Patterson smug look on my face.

Then I had the weirdest feeling. On one hand, I was disgusted with myself. But there was this overwhelming feeling of...I'm not sure what to call it. Self-satisfaction, I guess. And a sense that I was right. And wise. In fact, that I was wiser than everyone around me for having made this speech. Wiser even than the noble native I was talking to. And I felt like saying something about how I owed all this wisdom and insight to my sainted, shining paragon of a mother. Fortunately, I managed to hold that back.

Gosh, I'm so confused right now.

The worst part of this is that it has me thinking about whether I would be one of the "winners" I was talking about. And the more I think about it, the more I think that probably nobody I know is a "winner" by that definition! I mean, maybe if Mike manages to write the great Canadian novel someday. Or if Gordon gets super rich and becomes a famous philanthropist. Or if--and I hate to admit this--if Becky becomes a famous singer.

But if I weren't a teacher, if Dad weren't a dentist, if Paul weren't a cop, if Dee weren't a pharmacist, if Lawrence weren't a landscaper...someone else would just take our places! We're not that special! We didn't really make the world any better of a place than if we hadn't existed! Mom retiring is just proof of this! She quit being the owner of a landmark children's bookstore...and someone stepped up and took her place! Like it didn't matter at all!

What's worse is that when I told Shiimsa what I was thinking, she said, "HMM...I THINK YOU ARE ONTO SOMETHING THERE, LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND!"

My head hurts. I am going to bed.

Liz, sumtymez when I feel the urge 2 go in2 one of these "Patterson wordplay" moments, like asking Y we say ppl are of diff races & going in2 a whole thing abt it based on the kinda race U run, I find it helps 2, like, look up the word in a dictionary & check on where it came from. Like 4 race, I found out the kind of "race" Gary was talkin' abt comes from a different source ([French, from Old French, from Old Italian razza, race, lineage]) than the kind U were comparing 2 ([Middle English ras, from Old Norse
rs, rush, running. See ers- in Indo-European Roots])

I usually find that once I've taken the time 2 learn abt the word, the whole "Patterson" impulse has passed. But I know how hard it is 2 resist sumtymez. HTH!

Abt not feeling special, well, U can still B special 2 the peeps who know & care abt U. That's a gd thing, eh?

Apes

Gary, U Flirt!

So, Liz sez that when she & Gary Crane were walking 2 school 2gether, she noticed that he was wearing a coat that matched hers. "April, Paul has a matching coat!" Then she told me abt Gary telling her that Paul's a "nice yung man" that she'z seeing, & he asked her if he's Ojibway. Liz told Gary about Paul's mom being Ojibway & his Dad being Irish. Gary was all, "That wd make him Ojibirish!" And then, "My wife's grandmother was Mi'kmaq & her grandfather was from Scotland. Her mom is from Scotland 2." Liz went, "Oh?" & Gary was, "....That makes her McMi'kmaq!" Liz sez that made her laff, but then she was thinking, "Matching coat? Wordplay? Is Gary flirting w/me?" Good question, Liz. Gary, U scamp!

Howard, thanx 4 the scoop on 12-step programmez 4 bunniez addicted 2 electrifying themselvez. Will prolly hafta use this 4 Butterscotch.

Loox like there'z a yrbook meeting this afternoon, where we'll learn who our new advisor is.

Apes

Buttsy's addicted to electricity

So, we covered most of the electrical cords w/thoze plastic coverz we got fr. the pet store. But Butterscotch managed 2 find one that we'd missed, & she chomped on it. Again & again & again, & then she staggered around like she was drunk, high, battered, bruised, & stupid. & I sed, "Butterscotch!!!! --Not again! If I didn't know better...I'd think U were doing this on purpose!" Only there'z no "if I didn't know better" abt it. She does it on purpose. Y? & Y on earth did we not cover every cord Buttsy can get 2? I mean, if she can, we can, eh? Well, that's all I'm saying cuz this is so not funny.

Sorry I'm so cranky, but sumtymez I feel like I'm stuck in a v. badly written story.

Apes

Liz Loving Love (If It's Love)

Liz tellz me that when it was time 4 Paul 2 go, she was all, "I wish U didn't have 2 go, Paul", & Paul was, like, "Me 2. C U in a couple of weeks." Liz wished him a "safe drive" & stood out on the porch waving (without a coat, even tho apparently it's, like, always snowing in Mtig these dayz) as he drove off. Then, she tellz me, she went inside, pulled both fists in2 her chest while grinning, & sed, "YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES YES!!" Then, while doing a ballet twirl on 1 leg, she thot, "If this is what love's like--I'M LOVING IT!!!" So, I asked Liz, "R U saying U're in love w/Paul?" She was really quiet 4 sec & sed, "How'd U get that from what I just told U?" I'm all, "What else wd I think?" & Liz was all, "Obviously I'm deciding whether this is love, & if it is, I love it. Sheesh, U teenz R so simple!" So I hung up. I don't like B-ing told I'm simple.

NEhoodlez, @ noon, Ger, Dunc, & Eva R meeting here so we can practice sum songz the other "3Evah" memz & I have been writing. Eva volunteered 2 let us, like, borrow her singing voice 2 C how the songz will sound when we, like, have a singer. She sez she isn't xactly ready 2 "commit" 2 B-ing in a band 4 keeps.

Apes

Dances With Cops

Paul, U asked whether Liz told me what happed after U asked her 2 turn around earlier this week. She didn't tell me rite away, but I just heard from her. . . .

So, peeps, Paul & Liz started 2, like, dance around, sorta ballroom dancing. Paul was, all, "Hey teacher--I've got a question. Did U know I was crazy abt U?" & Liz sed, "I had an idea." Paul was, like, "Did Uknow that I think abt U 24 hrs a day? Even when I'm sleeping, I dream abt U." Liz was all, "Really. I never knew a cop cd B so romantic." Paul sed, "Ahh...Let me give U a demonstration." & Liz was, like, pulling away & saying "Slow down, or U'll B charged w/speeding." Cuz, like, he'z a cop, remember? U did? OK, then. & Paul musta been reading up on Pattersonz & makin' punz, cuz he laid out this: "If U'd like 2 fine me.... ....That wd B just fine." He pulled her in close when he sed this, & Liz sed she popped her eyez open wide & raised her eyebrowz. She told me, "April, I'm not sure, but I have a feeling I might have had one of those 'D'Oh' looks Dad is alwayz getting!" Don't worry, Paul, Liz really doesn't tell me everything. ::wink::

So, Dunc'z gonna B in the drama club's production of MacBeth, with Zandra Larson playin' Lady MacBeth. Dunc's supposta B Murderer #3.

Becks tellz me she'z been practically a prisoner 2 her Mom l8ly, with all the working l8 @ the bakeshop. I hope she doesn't make Becks work the weekend, eh?

Apes

Everytime Liz turns around. . . .

So, U mite remember that a coupla dayz ago, Liz & Paul were talking about how they felt sum1 is watching over them, only 2 find a coupla little faces spying on them thru the window? So after that, Liz went out 2 talk 2 them. It was Jesse & Ellen. Liz asked Jesse Y he & Ellen didn't go & hang out sumwhere else. Ellen giggled & Jesse was all singing, "Miss Patterson's got a boyfriend, U've got a boyfriend!" Liz was, like, "Listen, guys. We spend all day 2gether in the classroom. When I come home, it's my private time, OK?" Jesse went, "OK", & Liz went back inside, where she told Paul that every time she turnz around in that place (Mtig), some1's watching her! Paul was all, " I know. ....So, ....turn around." He was, like, hugging her fr. behind when he sed that last part.

So Dunc's signing up 4 drama club so's he can show the judge he's got, like, xtra-currix. He'z worried it'll B way lame. I hope not!

Apes

"Some1" watching over them

More from Liz. Paul told her he requested a transfer 2 Spruce Narrowz 2 B closer 2 her. Sed Spruce Narrows is just an hour away fr. Mtig. Has it alwayz been an hour away, or has it gotten closer, like how Mboro got closer 2 Toronto? NEway, abt the poss transfer, Paul was saying they'd B able 2 C ea other all the time if he got it, & Liz was all, "That wd B amazing." Then Paul, like, hoisted her in2 the air & sed how if Mom had'nt left her glasses in his office, they nevr wda met. & Liz sed that they nevr wda met if she hadn't come up north 2 teach. She told me she wanted 2 deflect attn fr. the whole "Mom" angle. Paul was, like, "Some1 is watching over us, Elizabeth!" Just then, Liz noticed Jesse & 1 of his friends spying in the window, & she got down & told Paul, "....I'll close the drapes."

So, Dunc, w/yr court d8 coming up & needing xtracurricularz? Wd it count if U told him abt 4Evah? MayB U cd, like, say we're on "hiatus" insteada, like, broken up? Ger sez he'd totally back us up on that story. BTW, we both R willing 2 testify & say U R all, like, honest & good & stuff.

Apes

Making time 4 Paul. . . .

So, like Paul sed in his comments last nite, he'z got sum time off & so he went up 2 C Liz & brot art suppliez. Liz tellz me he was all, "Where do U want me 2 put theze art suppliez?" & Liz told him 2 put them by her computer. Then she was, like, "Look @ this place! It's a mess!--I haven't had time 2 do NEthing!" & Paul was, like, "I'm glad U've had time 4 me." & Liz sez she gave him kind of a gooey, dopey look when he sed that. She hazn't yet had time 2 tell me NE more, & un4tunately, I don't have time 2 make this entry more than a quickie!

Dunc, I'm soooooo sorry 2 hear abt yr trubs. Pls tell me if there's NEthing I can do 2 help.

Apes

Shiimsa Humour

When I checked my e-mail this morning, there was a message fr. Liz. It was abt a lil joke Shiimsa played on her recently when Liz came home w/a load of groceriez. Liz had a big box w/grocery bagz in it, & she hadta struggle 2 get the door open & closed behind her. She wrote, "The worst thing was I had this awful feeling that I looked exactly like Mom when I was coming in. Why do I wear a bun when I'm off-duty?" NEway, as Liz was kicking off her boots & heading 2 the kitchen, Shiimsa grabbed ahold of the bottom of Liz's coat &, like, climbed up Liz way up on2 her head. Liz sez that Shiims was thinking "YOU'D BETTER HAVE TUNA FISH YOU LAME HUMAN, ANGRA MAINYU NEEDS TUNA FISH!" Liz was all, "April, you know how much I enjoy Shiimsa's sense of humour (unlike you), but not when I'm hauling a big box of food in from the cold, I don't! So I thought, 'the next animal I live with will not be able to climb'. Which is unfortunate, since, as you know, Shiims and I have a telepathic connection now. And she was thinking, 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE NEXT ANIMAL YOU LIVE WITH? ARE YOU PLANNING TO DUMP ME FOR THAT MOUNTIE-ANIMAL, PAUL?' It took me a while to convince her I didn't mean anything by it other than 'please don't climb on me like that'. But, really, April, don't be alarmed. those niceness lessons really are paying off." I guess I'll take Liz's word on this one.

Sorry I didn't post much yesterday, peeps! When I got back fr. Horny T's, I discovered that Mom & Dad had invited Connie Poirier, Greg Thomas, and the Nicholses 2 watch the Olympics. What Mom & Dad didn't realize was that Connie, Greg, Anne, & Steve had come prepared with "John and Elly Bingo" cards with stuff like "menopause", "trains", "hot flashes", "the box" [computer], "arm flapping", & "what's my associate's name". They checked off their cards when Mom & Dad weren't lookin'.

Apes

Buzzword

Mom just got an e-mail from Mike, w/a video attachment. She actually woke me up 2 help her cuz she cdn't work it! Mike has 1 of his employeez viddy-ing everything he duz like that guy in the show Office, cuz he sumhow thinx ppl will watch &, like, care what he duz @ work, LOL!

So, it seemz the publisher of Portrait was in 4 a special mtg this past Friday. The vid startz w/Mike telling his staff, "OK, every1, the mtg's going 2 start in 5 minutes. R U ready?" This 1 guy goes, "I need coffee", sum woman sez, "Trip 2 the loo", while another guy is like "4got my notes" & sum1 in shadowz is all, "B rite back", & Mike has this worried look on his face. This part of the vid has a kinda "throwaway" feel 2 it, like U wonder Y it's in there @ all. NEway, next the vid cutz 2 the meeting, where the publisher guy is this baldy w/like 2 hairz combed over the bald, & he goez in2 this speech while every1 triez 2 pretend they're paying attention:

As the publisher of Portrait Magazine, I welcome this opportunity 2 valid8 my association by saying that I consider myself implementational in the enabling of our team 2 focus, prioritize, & access our potential 4 proactivity. We R already outside the box, delivering the wow factor, & I'm cautiously optimistic that our cutting-edge approach will put us on a level playing field. Our competitors have demonstrated overlapping visions in trying 2 B unconventionalistic. They lack clarity. Which minimizes the velocity of their "translation-2-action" [airquotes] methodology. Our key 2 success is our implementation of team integrationism! By identifying high-performance leadership w/in the corporate gene pool, we create a lateral think tank, which will allow us 2 take it 2 the bank!!! This is not a value-neutral situation! The paradigm here is the balancing act we C between empowerment & productivity thru an incrementally changing environment. Proceeding on a go-forward basis, I--

Just then, one of the employees shouts out, "BINGO!" Mike takes him aside & sez, "If U're going 2 play that game, Al .... Keep it quiet!" & U see "Al" holding a big Bingo card w/"Buzzword" on the top. Get it? He was playing the "Boardroom Bingo" game where U mark off squarez w/corporate jargon in 'em. Speaking of corporate jargon, how many yrs ago was Boardroom Bingo "cutting edge", eh? & Wd U believe Mom's going on & on abt what a gr8 boss Mike is? Geez, 2 her, everything he does is just wonderful. NEway, there'z a rumour going around that the Portrait staff has a version of this game they use 4 when Mike leads a meeting. I hear it's called "Dumbword".

NEhow, Ger & I R meeting Eva & Dunc @ Horny T's @ 1 2day (Eva asked Ger & me 2 come along so every1 knowz there'z no "commitment" involved.) Shd we make sum Horny-T Bingo cards? NE1 who wants 2 join us there is welcome, BTW!

Apes

Innocence?

After Sunday's walk-an'-talk, Dad went down 2 the laundry room 2 talk w/Mom. I faked going up 2 my rm, then dbled back & trailed him so I cd listen. I heard Dad telling Mom that we'd had a nice walk & discussed all kinds of things, & then Mom asking him whether he'd asked abt the internet. Dad was, like, "Uh-huh, & I think we can relax. Our daughter is well aware of what's out there & is mature enuf 2 handle the technology." Here I was thinking "WTF? Wasn't Mom the one who already wasn't worried?" Then Mom was all, "All that information is still frightening, tho, isn't it, John. ... There's stuff out there I just don't want 2 know abt." Like sites that make fun of potato-nose arm-flapping freakoez who've been going thru menopause since 1994? Dad was like, "Neither do I. & I hope we never have 2 'lose our innocence'." He sed that "lose our innocence" part like it shd B in quotes, which is weird. Did he mean that he & Mom have been celibate 4 so long they've gotten their virginity back & he doesn't want them ever 2 lose it again? Wha?

So NEway, Liz tellz me Shiimsa's started her niceness training w/Jesse Mukwa. And that it seemz 2 B going well so far. That's cube. BTW, I set up a "MySpace" site yesterday, tho I was having sum trub with it not working @ first. If U'd like 2 check it out, go here.

Ger & I R getting 2gether this afternoon, around 1, 2 study bio & smooch a lot!

Apes

Good Choices

Well, I'll prolly B talkin' abt this convo w/dad fr. last Sunday 4 like another day after this 1, peeps, just so's U can plan. I'm pretty sure I'll have a new topic on Monday. & Sunday will B a big ol' non sequitur like usual.

NEway, after the "Ah-hah!" thing, Dad was all, "This is serious, honey. We've given U a lot of freedom. U have yr own computer & we trust U 2 use it 4 e-mail & school projects." 4 a second there, I thot he was gonna say "& not 4 that real blog of yrs", but he didn't. Phew! Instead, he was, like, "There R sum weird & twisted ppl out there, making terrible information possible." Hmm, U'd think he was all worried I'd find sites where ppl go every day 2 write abt how lame Pattersons R or sumthing, eh? He then sed, "I want 2 protect U from that!... But I can't" & I was all, "Dad--I can protect myself. I can choose 2 go wherever I want 2 go on the internet. & U taut me 2 make good choices." & Becks taut me that sumtymez it's a real good idea 2 use a lil flattery! He put his arm around my shoulder when I sed that. Parents luv 2 hear what good parents they R, U know? It's kinda weird how my dad's all concerned abt me & the net now, when I've been on for years--like what, did he just wake up fr. a long, long nap? Well, 2morrow I'll tell U what happed next. 4 sum reason, I can't remember rite now.

Becks! I wd think that yr getting those oldz 2 jack up the price on the teeny-tiny house were pretty funny if it didn't mean that my 'rents R prolly gonna buy it no matter what! Even if it meanz they've gotta use my uni-tuition $. Erg, now I've really gotta look in2 scholarships. As Dunc wd say, I'm so boned!

So after lotsa back & forth, I've decided Liz & I R gonna go ahead w/my seekrit plan 2 go C her in Mtig during March vacation. It looks like Shiimsa's not possessed, she'z just not that nice. Which surprises me cuz she seemed like a nice kitty when Lizzie had her here over the summer. Oh, well.

Apes

BUSTED!!!

So, more abt that convo w/Dad during our walk this past Sunday. I didn't really want 2, but I knew we'd hafta get 2 the subj Dad had wanted 2 talk abt in the 1st place, & I figged I mite as well B the 1 2 bring it up after I managed 2 throw him off with all that "U & Mom R moody" & "that house is tiny" stuff. So, I went, "U asked me 2 go 4 a walk, Pop. Did U want 2 talk 2 me abt sumthing?" Dad was all "Um... Yeah. Yr mom is concerned abt the internet." "Yr mom"? OMG, what a liar!!! I know this is all coming from him, not Mom! Y's he gotta lie like that? NEway, he went on, "She wants 2 know if U've been xploring 'all those sites'." "All those sites"? WTF does that mean? I didn't know, but I decided 2 play along & C what I cd find out abt Dad. I sed, "Dad, I don't have time 2 xplore 'all those sites'." Then Dad was, like, "But U've gone 2 a few." Still thinkin' the "WTF" but I decided I'd keep going & use the word "gross" since it's a bit ambiguous (vocab word!): "Sure! Everybody checks out the internet--& I've looked up sum gross stuff." Then I turned the tables, all "....Haven't U?" Dad got all quiet & shifty & looked guilty. So I sed "AH-HAH!" & his eyez bugged out as he prolly pictured like choo-choo n3kr0ph!li@ or sum-such. LOL! So, so busted.

Paul. Not EXERCISE. EXORCISE! Pls, foax, B serious! I wanna go 2 Mtiggy, really I do. But I ain't goin' up there until U guyz resolve this Angra Mainyu ish. Please read thru thoze sites. I'm not playin' peeps!

Apes

Dad's Fantasy Teeny-Tiny House

So, this past Sunday on our walk (sorry I'm still harpin' on that), Dad & I walked by the lil house he's been slobberin' abt 4, like, ever. This was rite after he finished tellin' me he & Mom R practical & have plenty saved 4 their retirement. Funny university 4 me didn't come up, eh? Then Dad was all starin' @ this teeny-tiny house & tellin' me how he's "alwayz loved" it. I pted out how tiny it is, & he sed, "Yes, but it's on a huge piece of property! Just imagine the model train layout I cd put back there!" I was all, "Cd U live in a house that small?" & Dad was all, "Sure! It has everything I need!" I was, like, "& Mom?" Dad was, like, "U're rite. I'd need her 2." LOL! Tho Dad's been going on & on abt that st00pid house in his monthly letterz, this was the first time I'd seen which house he actually meant. That house is mad small, peeps! I don't know how he'd even fit Mom's arse in there, let alone him and me. I'm really starting 2 wonder where he planz 2 put me if he gets this place B4 I grad hi-school. & funny thing how, if Mike an' Dee buy the fam house, Mom & Dad will B in close meddling distance, eh?

So, V-day yesterday. The concert Jeremy's dad gave was fun as a way 4 us all 2 get 2gether & have our V-day d8's (otherwise, his music's like the old-fashioned kinda country like "My Pick-up Truck Left Me & My Woman Gave Me the Clap & I Wanna Die"). Afterwards, we went backstage, & Mr. Jones had insults 4 all of us. @ least we cd tell this was just his way & it wasn't like singling NE1 out. & Ger sed sum really cube stuff abt B-ing touched by luv. He got seriously rewarded after, peeps!

BTW, our hockey boyz defeated I C Gens Morts Secondary, 6-3!

Apes

Being Practical

Sum1 around here hasta B practical, eh? Sunday, while Dad & I were out walking, & I'd sed that thing abt him & Mom being moody, Dad was all, "U think yr Mom & I have been 'moody'?" & I was like, "Yeah!! U're so...unsettled! Mom's gonna sell the store, U want 2 retire--but U don't seem 2 have a plan 4 what happens next! What R U going 2 do w/the rest of yr lives?" Dad was like "I dunno, April. I guess we'll just have 2 find out!" & I sed, "If U don't mind a little advice, Pop....Ppl yr age shd B approaching the future with more practicality." & Dad had that "D'oh" look on his face all over again. Dude, U've gotta acquire more facial expressions! So, NEway, it had 2 B sed. & partly I sed it 2 remind them they haven't, like, finished raising me yet, & we still need 2 plan our future, eh?

2day's Valentine's Day, peeps! Vicks, I got the gift U told me abt, the 1 my Dad dropped off in the office, but I haven't gotten a chance 2 open it yet. I'll post after I do. & Dunc, I'll post the Kimmi poem when I remember where I saved it! This evening'z the big Valentine's concert w/Jeremy's Dad. Jeremy got a whole buncha peeps fr. school comp tix: all the grade-11 "Paris Hilton" blonde A-girls, the goth Z-girls, the grade-9 blonde wanna-B A-girls, & also his friendz! So, Ger & I R going, & so R Eva, Dunc, Vicks & Gordie, & of course Becks & Jeremy.

B4 the concert, Ger & I R having an early romantic dinner @ La Crème de la Crème de Milborough. 5:30 pm. After the hockey game against I C Gens Morts Secondary School.

Well, gotta go!

Apes

Moody Adults

Well, when I was @ Gramps & Iris's yesterday morning, Gramps got a buncha that red frosting on my shirt & Iris spilled tea on it! So when I got home, I changed into one of my fuzzy turtleneck sweaterz & settled in 2 write yesterday morning's blog entry. Just as I was finishing, Dad poked his head in my room again. I tried 2 throw him off whatev he was planning w/a big ol' "Hi, Pop!.....Whazzup?" Dad was, like, "Oh, nothing. I just thot we shd spend some time 2gether. Want 2 go 4 a walk?" I was all, "Sure. ... R U worried abt me or something?" Dad: "Nope... I just wanted 2 talk." Once we were outside, I asked, "R U OK, Pop?" & he was, like, "Yeah, I'm OK. ..... Y do U ask?" & I sed, "Well, ever since I b-came a teenager, U an' Mom have been kinda ... 'moody'." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him raise his browz w/that "D'oh" look of his again. U know, I totally cdn't resist the "moody" thingz, since I know what he & Mom have been sayin' abt me in their monthly letterz. Do they really think I don't read 'em? I am, like, literate, U know.

Howard sez he met a cute guy @ speed dating last nite, Guy L'Homme, & he's got other d8s lined up 2. He went w/Becky & Marjee, so I guess Marjee will write in & let us know abt her d8s, 2. . . .

Apes

Heart-Cake

So every1 who guessed I'd B the one 2 make that cake 4 Gramps was rite, eh? Mom got me up xtra early cuz she wanted this 2 B a breakfast surprise. & we did this 2day since Valentine's is a schoolday & all.

So rite after I'd gotten the layerz of the cake outta the oven, Dad came in w/his sniffy nose & was all "Mmm, that sure smellz good!" & I was, like "I know!... It's 4 Grandpa!" He had such a "D'oh" look when I sed that, w/his browz raised, his mouth all small-lookn' & his chin-butt annoying as alwayz. So then Mom & I went over 2 Gramps & Iris's place (Dad never comes along!) & Iris was all, "Jim? Sum1 is here 2 wish U a happy Valentine's Day." Gramps had this "It's not even Valentine's Day yet" look on his face, understandably. I was carrying the cake while Mom trailed behind me. I sed, "I brot U a cake, Grandpa!" & my mom actually told him that I'd made it myself. U cda knocked me over w/a feather, cuz I was totally xpecting her 2 pretend she'd dun all the work. NEway, Iris sed "I'll put on sum tea & we'll have a piece." Iris got all naggy w/Gramps, sayin' "Just a small piece 4 U, dear. Remember what the doctor sed." Gramps was all, "Hang what the doctor sed, Iris! April made this 4 me, & I'm going 2 enjoy it!" I really am Gramps's fave, eh? Just like Mike is Mom's fave. Iris was like, "Tsk." & then she sed, "The way 2 a man's stomach is thru his heart." Which was way lame, but I made a pt of laffin' w/my tongue all sticky-outy, cuz Mom made a big deal of sayin' how I shd do that 2 B polite if the oldz tried 2 crack NE jokes.

I'm posting this B4 I've caut up w/last nite's comments. Will follow up as soon as I get this posted!

Apes

Trust

So, a few nites back, after Dad's inquisition abt what I was doin' on the 'puter? & Mom's comment 2 him abt bein' agitated? Well, I kinda crept up behind them after they went in2 the kitchen & I listened in. I heard Dad askin' Mom, "When April is on the computer, Elly..., where does she go?" Mom sed, "I have an idea, but I don't know xactly!" Dad went on w/"Does she visit ugly web sites" Does she play violent games? Is she chatting w/dangerous ppl & looking @..." B4 Dad had a chance 2 finish saying the "looking @" part, Mom cut in w/"I'm sure she knowz what's in cyberspace, John." 2 bad abt the cutting off. I'd B mad curious 2 know what Dad's worried I mite B lookin' @, eh? "Xtreme B*ndage Choo-choo Naughty Nymphs"? NEway, Mom continued: "Then, what's keeping us fr. monitoring everything she does?!!" & Mom sed "Trust." Which wd B v. cube if this weren't coming fr. sumbody who got Michael 2 teach her how 2 snoop on my IM transcripts. So where do U think this is all going, peeps? I hope I won't hafta B tellin' U more abt this on Monday, but I have a bad feeling.

Speaking of bad feelingz, I have a feeling there R lotsa hung over & generally queasy peeps fr. the wedding last nite. 4 thoze of U who didn't hear, Becks' dad, Thorvald, didn't end up marrying "KK" after all, but married that Icelandic chick Thora. Hey, their namez R v. v. matchy, Rn't they? Thorvald & Thora. Cute!

Becks has that Dithers party 2day, & Dunc's gonna B in TO 4 the weekend. I'm supposta meet Ger @ Horny Tim's @ 3 this afternoon. We still on, Ger? Well, better go, cuz Blogger is flakin' already. . . .

Apes

BTW, 170 comments last nite! An ARB record!!!

Agit-Pop

A coupla nites ago, I was sittin' in my room posting 2 this blog, when Dad clomped in with his nosy face, so I quickly minimized, since the 'rents still totally think the fake blog is my real blog. And he was, all, "Hi there, beautiful! What R U up 2?" & I was, like, "Oh....Nothin'. Just....Stuff." Dad cdn't just let that lie, so he was like, "Homework?" Me: "Sort of." Dad: "Chatting w/friends?" Me: "Sumtymez." Dad: "Surfing the net?" Me: "Once in a while." Dad: "Any good games?" Me: "Sure." & while this whole interro-convo was goin' on, Dad was, like, totally hangin' over my shoulder watching my 'puter screen! Good thing I had that whole "History of the Netherlands" spreadsheet ready to sproing open 4 just such a nosy-parent occasion. I was getting really tired of havin' an audience, so I sed, "Don't get agitated, Pop...." (He likes to be called "Pop" 4 sum reason.) Then I sed, "I don't do NEthig U wdn't do." Then he kinda walked out like he was in a trance, & went down the stairz. & I heard Mom sayin', "U look agitated." LOL! I guess that meanz he's worried I'm all DL-ing the choo-choo p-r0_N (just watch me get scaree Google hitz here even w/my tryin' 2 scramble that word).

What is it w/the 'rents & the nosy? Do yr 'rents do the same stuff, peeps?

NEway, no school 2day cuz of the v. special "cultural xperience" of the wedding betw Thorvald McGuire (Becky's dad) & a certain KK who doesn't like me 2 say 2 much abt her.

Gotta get myself 2gether 4 that pretty soon, cuz Becks txt'ed me & sed "Get yr arse here early as poss, lots 2 do!"

Apes

Awwwwww

Dang, peeps, my mom's a major pain in the arse & a foob, but every once in a while, she does say sumthin' kinda cube, eh? Y'know how a coupla nites ago she was organizing her photos & tryin' 2 pretend she's not a pack rat? Well, I got sorta curious abt sum of the pix & I sat down w/her @ the table. She showed me one of Lizzie @ age six & another of Mike @ age nine. Stating the total obvious, I was all, "They sure don't look like that NEmore." & then Mom showed me a baby pic of me. I sed, "U've filed all the otherz away in albumz. How come U've never put away these?" & Mom was like, ''B-cuz they're sum of my favourites." I was, like, "Do U wish we were all little kidz again?" Mom: "No." Me: "Y?" Mom then went, "These pictures say where U've been. ...& I want 2 know where U're going." Awwww. I thot that was pretty cube, eh? OTOH, the very next day, she was in the basement of Lilliput's harassing poor Beatrice 2 help her w/her scrapbooking. But @ least she'z got sum nice moments.

So the big wedding's 2morrow @ Becky's mom & Dr. Ted's place. Howard's, like, banging himself over the head 4 setting that up! @ least Mr. McGuire got a bunch of us outta school on the groundz that we R witnessing a big "cultural xperience." Of course, like I sed, Mom's makin' me write a paper abt it & do a lame presentation 4 a "family day" we're gonna have I-don't-know-when.

Apes

Yes, they R!

Yesterday evening, mom had photoz spread all over the kitchen table. I was, like, "Whatcha doing, Mom?" & I so knew I shdn't ask, but U know how it is sumtymez. Mom sed, "Going thru our photographs. Sumday, I want 2 make an album 4 each of U three kidz, so I'm putting aside all the duplicates." Then I noticed a big box o' paperz & asked, "An' what's all this?" Man, I've gotta work on pronouncing thoze final "D's" in "and"--that's sloppy. NEway, Mom was all, "Oh, letterz 2 file, Xmas cardz, brochurez fr. places we've been, school reports..." & I totally channelled Everett, Elliot, & Keanu again, with "Whoa! U R such a pack rat!" & Mom got all pissy & sed, "I am not a pack rat, April. Pack rats Rn't organized." & even tho I had my back turned during that last bit o' BS, I'm pretty sure my mom had her eyez closed & a stupid, smug expression on her face. Which is xtra-specially stupid when U consider that it's just NOT TRUE! Being a pack rat means U horde stuff, lotsa stuff, unnecessary stuff, whether U organize it or not. Geez, my mom puts the "foo" in "foob", eh?

Howard, Becky, soundz like thoze wedding planz R just crizzazee @ the mo. R we on 4 our rehearsal @ 4 2day? Becky's place?

Apes

(Re)tired

Oh, whatever. Yeah, so, a week ago, when we had dinner, I had 2 act, like, all surprised that Mom was planning 2 sell the bookstore. So I was all, "U're gonna sell Lilliput's?" & Mom was, like, "Yes. Moira & her husband R meeting w/us 2morrow 2 discuss the details." Then, I was totally chanelling Everett Callahan, Elliot Everett, & Keanu Reaves by going, "Whoa! That's Major!--What R U gonna do--retire?" Mom sed, "No....I'm thinking of going back 2 school. --Or, @ least taking sum courses. I want 2 get more involved with the theatre guild, spend more time w/the grandchildren, travel... Do thingz I've been wanting 2 do, but never had the time." & I sed, "That soundz like retirement, Mom." & She got all pissy & sed, "I'm not retiring, April. I'm just plain tired." WTF? D00dz, how is this even, like, an argument? It's like that Patterson "pun" disease is so advanced in Mom she hasta like squeeze 1 in @ all costs, eh? & Dad had one of his st00pid raised-eyebrow "D'oh" looks 4 sum reason. I think he was bummed b-cuz he was planning 2 drop in a "punny" line about (re)tirement.

So, Becky's dad planz 2 marry Kortney on Friday, peeps! Gerald's all xcited cuz he'z been asked 2 B best man (Orque can't do it--held w/out bail).

Oh, it looks like our hockey team's gonna hafta forfeit against Cul-Leche Preparatory. Most of the boyz who weren't out cuz of eye injuriez called in sick 2day.

Apes

Mom holding the mortgage, with a smug look?

OK, so still talkin' abt thingz that happed nearly a week ago, namely this past Tues. As Mom & Dad were setting the table 4 dinner, Mom sed, "I told Moira I was ready 2 sell the store, John." & Dad was all, "U've picked a good time. It's doing well." & Mom was, like, "We turned it around didn't we." No question mark. & I think it's more that Moira turned it around, but whatevs. Dad: "Yes. Lilliput's is a good little bizness." Then, in a major WTF, since he practically begged Mom 2 sell last yr, "R U sure U're ready 2 let it go, honey?" & Mom sed, "Well...I'll probably keep a hand in it." & Dad went, "&, what wd the hand do?" Mom: "....Hold the mortgage." When she sed this, she turned her back 2 Dad & she had this horribly smug look on her face. I get a little ill just thinkin' abt it, 4 Moira's sake, cuz U just know Mom's gonna still haunt her like a scaryarse ghost when Moira takes over. & Dad raised his browz & kinda had his own smug "way 2 go" look on his choo-choo boy.

I'm gonna make this quick cuz Blogger'z already bein' flaky, & they're already threatening a scheduled outage @ 7PM PST (10PM east coast), & that's not even counting their big "surprise" unscheduled ones like yesterday!!!

Apes

Edit: Blogger's got a weirdness goin' on where the # of comments U C @ the end of the post doesn't match the # of comments there R. So U need 2 keep clicking on the comment link 2 actually C how many comments there R, eh?

Mtiggies not so big on the education, eh?

I'm not sure when xactly this happed, but it seemz Liz recently woke up on a school day feeling really, like, crizzappy. But she went 2 school NEway cuz there was no1 who cd, like, sub 4 her if she called in sick. She sez she scared poor Shiimsa 1/2 to death w/her coughing when she 1st woke up. & she scared her own self 1/2 to death when she looked in the mirror & saw that the tip of her nose was purple, like advanced frost bite! She sez it wasn't frostbite, tho, just looked like it. NEway, she trudged her ill arse all the way 2 the school only 2 find there were just TWO kidz there in her classroom! So, Liz asked, "Where is everybody?!!!" & the girl, Tanya, sed, "Ellen, Dakota an' Jesse R sick 2day. Daniel & Scottie R on the trap line w/their dads, Anna's gotta lk after her auntie, & Faun is w/her Mishomis, smoking fish." Liz asked, "So, Mark & Tanya...How R U feeling?" Mark sed, "Fine." And Tanya added, "But we can't go home B-cuz our moms R working." Which is kind of a weird thing 4 Tanya 2 say, cuz Y wd she assume goin' home was even on the table, eh? It never is @ my school! So, next thing U know, Lizzie's curled up on her couch w/Shiims while Mark & Tanya R watching a documentary abt Egypt on Liz's ginormous TV.

OK, so I know I already got in2 this subj a few dayz back when I wrote abt my fam's Feb letterz. But what is it w/the Mtiggy school kidz & just takin' off whenever their relliez wanna, like, hunt, or fish, or make smoked foodz, or, like scratch their butts? Doesn't the school ever impose NE rulez abt how many dayz U R allowed 2 miss? & doesn't Ontario have rulez all the schoolz hafta follow, whether they're in noble-north land or not? Geez! In history class, we learned abt how there usta B horrible residential schools 4 1st nation kidz. These children wd actually B kidnapped fr their homez & forced 2 go 2 these schools. Then there was v. little actual education goin' on. & lotsa, like, manual labour. So, Y, w/that kinda history, wd NE 1st-nation 'rents pull their kidz outta school 2 hunt & fish? Gah.

So, like Ger was sayin' last nite, we got 2gether 2 xchange lockets. He sed he really likes the one I got him @ that cube goth boutique in TO yesterday. It was fr. their "men's locket" selection, & it's white gold, w/a rope chain, & the main part is shaped like a book, w/a lil hockey puck 2 the left of it & a lil basketball 2 the rt. Then U open it, & there's a heart on the left & my pic on the rt. In the heart is my inscription, which I'll tell U in a sec. So, like, I picked this locket cuz it represents Ger bein' a scholar-athlete &, like, a loverrr on the inside! My inscription inside the heart is also, like, a haiku:

To Gerald Forsythe
My studly, smart, romantic
Love, April-Flower

On the other side is a pic of me in my 'kini, in kind of a calendar-girl poze. Ger sed he totally luvved the locket. So, like, Ger's locket 2 me is way pretty! It's 24K-gold, a heart with a lil diamond in the point part, cuz diamonds R my birthstone (Aries). Then there's a G & A in pretty script, sort of linked 2gether. On the back, he inscribed, "Grow old with me/The best is yet to be" which is fr. a Robert Browning poem we learned in English class. Aw, man, peeps, we were so luvvin' on ea other last nite. @ least as much as we cd w/interruptions fr. various grownups.

Well, it's a gd thing we got that pizza, cuz I think the food Ger's mom gave me had all of 3 caloriez in it, total. I was soooo hungry after! 'Course I had sum 2nd thots when Becky's dad was there sayin' I'll "grow up to be a fine stout woman with childbearing hips." Man, I M so adding xtra situps, leg-lifts, squats, & power lungez 2 my daily fitness routine. Mom's body's NOT my destiny. That's my mantra, peeps!

So, like Ger was sayin', Thorvald McGuire settled in 2 have a nice chat w/Ger abt women-trubs. He was all, "Since I can't find a true Viking 2 confide in, I will settle 4 a strapping yung Celt!" He glanced @ me & sed, "U can feel free 2 listen, fair Adalbjorg Ellysdottir. Consider this part of yr education." So, he told Ger he had this weird xperience where he got an anonny text message tippin' him off abt there being a topless Viking woman @ Mayes Midtown Motorz. (I of course didn't let on that I'd sent it, 2 try 2 save Ger fr. getting axed 2 death, tho that ended up not being necessary, as Ger cleverly talked his way outta the sitch.) So Mr. McGuire was all, "When I got there, yung Celt, there was no topless Viking woman. But I saw the fetching full-blooded Viking woman Helga the Horrible talking with Tracey Mayes. So I went over to her and said, "Helga the Horrible! Rumour has it that just moments ago, you were standing here exposing your fine Viking breasts to the envious eyes of Milboro! Surely, U wd not deny this glorious site 2 Thorvald Mordsson McGuire, of the nearly pure, 7/8 Viking blood!" Helga told him the rumour wasn't true, she'd just come by 2 get sum advice fr. Tracey abt removing sum tricky stainz Hagar had gotten in2 their carpetz after his last pillaging campaign. But Mr. McGuire got, like, inspired, & tried 2 talk Helga in2 dumping Hagar, cuz "He is not worthy of a fine Nordic woman such as yrself, with broad childbearing hips & fine Viking fashion sense! 2gether, we can make a Thorvaldson who'd be nearly 100% Viking." Mr. McGuire swears that Helga the H looked really tempted 4 a while there, but decided she cd never leave Hagar.

Then Mr. McGuire let out a huge belch & sed, "Yung Celt! U R not writing NE of this down! Surely, U must learn fr. the wisdom of yr elderz!" So Ger left 2 get a notebook. While we w8ed, Mr. McGuire told me he's been trying 2 convince Becky 2 try writing songz in Icelandic. "That's going 2 B the next hot thing, let me tell U!" Ger got back, ready 2 take notez, & Mr. M told his tale of heartbreak @ Anne Nicholz turning him away. "Fine Icelandic stock, slipping out of my fingerz!" He sighed & sed, "I guess I'm going 2 settle 4 Kortney Krelbutz after all, even tho she's not even Nordic. Good thing Thorvald has such strong DNA, let me tell U. If not 4 that, I'd B much more worried abt the weak English side of my beautiful, strong Becky-Thora. But while we R on that subject, I suggest U research yung Adalbjorg Ellysdottir's family tree and watch out for the weak English DNA. That was my folly in mixing up with Krystle Carrington. Learn from yr elderz, yung man!"

Just then, we heard Freyfaxi barking up a storm outside, so we went out 2 investigate. My dad had turned up unexpectedly in the stoopid Bushwacker, & its brite red colour apparently offended Freyfaxi (can dogz C red?). NE way, Dad was standing up on top of the hood cowering while Freyfaxi (coolest pet name ever!) was head-butting the passenger door & growling. Mr. M. got Freyfaxi under control & asked Dad what his biz was. Dad was all, "I missed my best friend!" Mr. McGuire sed, "I'm touched that U think of me that way, tho we barely know ea other!" Dad was all, "No I mean April!" & Mr. M sed, "Adalbjorg Ellysdottir!" Dad had a WTF look on his face, but sumhow, Thorvald McGuire convinced my Dad 2 go out 2 a bar w/him for "men'z talk." I'm not sure what ended up happening next. Ger & I had a makeout session till his mom came downstairz & threw me out, LOL!

Oh, well, I get 2 C Ger again l8r 2day. We have a 6pm reservation @ Lulu's Tutu! It's gonna B so cube!

Apes

Shock

After yesterday's hockey game against Nos Yeux Gouger Separate School, I had 2 go 2 Lilliput's, as usual. (I can't believe all the eye-gouge foulz against our boyz! Ger really likes his "pirate eyepatch", tho.)

So, while Mom was off having pastries on errands, Moira told me some more abt this past Tuesday. "April, after we had our coffee, yr mother & I headed back here. I decided it was now-or-never time, so I sed, 'Elly, if U're serious about selling Lilliput's--I'd like 2 talk 2 U abt buying it.' As U mite remember, the last time this all came up, I discussed it w/yr father but never got 2 broach the topic w/yr mother. So, I continued, 'My husband will retire soon, w/a pension. He's not ready 2 stop working.'" Here I interrupted w/, "Moira, U're married?" & she was all, "Yes, didn't U know?" & I was like, "No, isn't that weird?" And she sed, "Not really. NEway, then I sed, 'With Bea's help, we cd run this place!' And yr Mom cut in, 'Moira, I....' I was afraid yr mom wd go rite back 2 her dithering, but I decided 2 soldier 4wards: 'We've already discussed it. What do U say?' And April! Yr mother sed, 'Yes!!! If U'd like 2 take over the store...I'd B glad 2 sell it 2 U.' I nearly fell over! As we were going in2 the store, yr mom sed, 'I'm in shock!' & I sed, 'Me 2.' My shock was b-cuz I thot ol' Elly Patterson was never going to shit or get off the pot. Just then, she hugged me & asked, 'R we embracing...or holding ea other up?!!!' Which was weird, because yr mother was clenching & I was trying 2 wiggle out of her clutches. By the way, April, I'm thinking one of the 1st things I'll do when I take this place over is take down the annoying stars & planets hanging from the ceiling. Our tall patronz R always complaining abt bumping their heads on them." I told her it sounded like a good idea.

BTW, did U C in the Milbourough Gazette this morning, that 4 out of 5 Milboroughianz think "Freyfaxi is the coolest pet name ever"? Go fig! (It's true, it is the kewlest!)

Gotta fly,

Apes

Mom wants to be a good example--for *Merrie*?

OK, I'm a bit cheezed off. So's Liz, we just had a lil chat abt this, that's Y this is l8.

Mom & Moira had a chat ovr coffee. Mom told Dad & me abt it 2day, even tho it happed on Tuesday. Moira, she was all, "So. U really want 2 sell the bookstore!" & Mom? She was like, "Being with my granddaughter has made me think, Moira. I want her 2 grow up 2 B all she can B. I want her 2 finish her education!" Moira was like, "U're not talking abt going back 2 school, R U?" Mom went, "I never finished my English degree. I got married & had kids." Moira asked, "What wd U have done if U had yr degree?" Mom: "I'm not so sure NEmore. .... I'd probably have opened a bookstore!" Erm, rite, cuz that's, like, the #1 occupation of former English majors, eh?

But here's the big WTF that has Liz an' me so pissed 2day. Being w/Merrie has made her think? She wants Merrie 2 grow up 2 B all she can B & finish her education? What abt chopped-liver Liz & chopped-liver April? Being w/us never made her think? Did she not care abt our education? Liz was, like, "April! I finished university, even with Mom's piss-poor xample? Don't U think I need sum props? & has she 4gotten that U haven't finished yrs yet?" I sed, "I think she's pretty much 4gotten abt me, period. MayB I oughta talk 2 Dunc's lawyer abt getting my education fundz put in2 a whattaya callit? Escrow-thingie? B4 Mom decidez it's free $ 2 finish her degree." Oh, & another thing. Y does she talk like Merrie doesn't have a mother who finished her own university degree. Pharmacy much?

& this bit abt her prolly opening a bkstore? That is so much bull! Mom usta want 2 B a writer. She even did freelance BS 4 a while, that's Y she's totally living thru Mike. I'm just, just. Just no, man, no.

So, Howard & Becks have been going thru sum interesting stuff w/Becky's dad planning a big Icelandic-style wedding 2 Kortney. But Becks, I M 2 afraid 2 say NEthing else abt it, cuz I cd accidentally piss off Kortney. & I wanna keep my teeth, eh?

Apes

Moira: Memory Loss or Strategy

So, back to Mom's Tuesday. She sed, "I'm thinking abt selling Lilliput's, Moira." Which hits me as a bit rood cuz Bea was standing rite there, 2. Moira was all, "Really? But sales R up, we have new customerz all the time--it's doing so well!" & Mom was all, "I know--and I'm proud of what we've done. I just think it's time to..." Bea interrupted with, "But U've created a landmark, Elly!" L8r on, Bea told me that just then, she noticed thru the corner of her eye that Moira shot her a major WTF look. Like, "Who's created a landmark, newbie?" NEway, Mom was all, "Thanks, Bea." Then Moira sed, "U alwayz sed U loved running this store. What changed yr mind?" & Mom was like, "This store has started to run me!" Wha? What on earth does she mean by that? She's barely ever there, how is the store running her? Mom, I learned a vocab word this week. DILETTANTE. I think that's Mom. But I'm confused Y Moira was acting all surprised abt the idea of Mom selling, when just last yr she was, like, having seekrit meetings w/Dad abt buying it? Did she lose her memory all of a sudden, or is this a special strategy she's trying out w/Mom?

NEway, Becky's Dad dropped a bomb yesterday by telling her he planz 2 marry Kortney! Becks & Howard are both not happy abt that. We'll hafta C what happs, eh?

Alex, U hafta tell us the rest of yr story abt Drew Fontaine. He wanted U 2 go where?

Dunc, NE newz abt Mr. **** & thoze chargez?

Apes

February Letters!

Already, it's that time again! The monthly letterz from my fam. Here go my comments on them.

My letter: Yeah, so U can C I'm counting down the time left B4 I can leave the nuthouse on Sharon Park Drive. 3.5 yrs 2 go. Oh, & I think I had sum transient colour-blindness goin' on there 4 a while, like the kind where U can't tell the diff betw. blue & purple? Weird. NEway, my new jeanz R a dark blue. Not purple.

So whattya think? Shd I pierce my nose & browz & mayB dye my hair? "Crayzee" haircut? I know my usual look is hella boring, eh? Shd I go "goth" like the peeps I C in Toronto? Hm.

So, the grade-11 girlz. They call themselvez the Paris Hiltonz & they all, like, need 2 get their size-0 uni's taken in cuz they're that skinnee. Tangi Origami bleached her hair & tried 2 get in2 the PH clique, but U hafta B grade 11, & Tangi's grade 9. She was all, "Is it cuz I'm not skinnee enuf?" & they were like, "No, it's cuz U're not grade-11 enuf."

So, U mighta noticed I mention hangin' out w/Ger, Dunc, & Eva on wkendz but not Becks or Alex. Becks & Alex were both having pretty bizzy wkends l8ly.

So, what was I on abt w/missing Mike & Liz living w/us? Mike moved out when I was three, so it's not like I even remember him living there. I do miss Liz. Mom added "Mike" in 4 sum kinda "equal time" sorta reason, I guess.

Going 2 TO w/my Dad. OMG. Mom totally cut out the part where I ragged on his st00pid train hobby. But, U C, I'm gonna use this as an opportunity 2 shop 4 that locket Ger wants.

So, Ger & I decided 2 have our d8 Sunday insteada Sat. I'll give him the locket then. Like I say in the letter, we're talking abt getting the band back 2gether, but it's just talk still. We're having fun doing sum songwriting, tho.

Mom's letter: Mom putting off spring cleaning. ZZZZZZZ. Liz & the Mtiggy students: "Many of the kids miss school at this time of year to work on trap lines, hunt, or take care of elderly relatives, so her classes are small and not very taxing." Interesting; may I remind you that back in June of last year, Liz wrote, "Kids are slipping out of class to work on the traplines now that the weather's warmer, so we're shifting our focus off of the textbooks and onto some exciting stuff for the remaining students." So is there NE time of yr when the Mtig kiddiez AREN'T slipping away 2 work on their traplinez? Does the school even enforce NE attendance rulez? Sheesh. MayB my friendz & I oughta try the "traplinez" xcuse w/R.P. Boire, eh?

Mom & her "proper" folding--as if her friendz, female or otherwise, give a flyin' flip! Share the housework, whatevs, no1's listening 2 U, Mom. Xtra eyerollz 2 this stupidity: "Underwear is 'rolled' - which bears no relationship to its ultimate 'end'." Yes, every1 knowz yr undiez go over yr ARSE! Way 2 bring the funnee, eh, Ma? Only NO1 but U thinx that's funnee. & rolling yr undiez? Hellz 2 the no. My underwear, my decision. I fold them, like a normal person*.

"In regards to my other life, I find myself running more errands now and leaving the day to day workings of Lilliputs up to Moira and Bea." LOL! I guess "errands" is her new code 4 loading up on lattes & muffinz all day long. Yeah, Ma, no1's on2 U. Just decide abt the st00pid store, K? Sell or don't sell. Make up yr feeble mind. "60 in a few years"? Try FIVE yrs. Mom's gonna B 55 this yr. Oh, hey, Mom, I'm gonna B 20 "in a few yrs"--can I have my own apartment?

"I don't often say this - and I'll try not to say it again (for a while) but - we're crazy about the grandchildren!!! " Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! This is totally in there cuz peeps notice that Mom almost nev. mentionz her g-kidz eh? & notice how she sez "I'll try not 2 say it again (4 a while)", like she'll B doin' peeps a favour by not talkin' abt the littlez v. much, insteada just goin' back 2 being her usual self. Whatevz, Mom, ppl know U better than U think they do.

Oh, & check this bit:

Mike and Deanna are also struggling with decisions about their future. Mike has decided, more than once to leave his full time position with the magazine and write for his own clients exclusively. He says he feels like he's falling without a parachute when he's close to quitting - but if he just spread his wings a bit, this old bird knows he can fly! Dee is good with the kids, supportive, smart and loving - so whatever he decides, we're all on his side!

Isn't it funnee how Mike is the same way abt quitting Portrait as Mom is abt selling the bookstore? Oh, w8, "funnee" izn't the rite word. "Lame", mayB? & I guess the whole bit abt Dee B-ing "good with the kidz" is meant 2 B code 4 it's OK that Mike xpects her 2 do EVERYTHING as far as the kiddlez go while he hidez up in his "delicate genius" writing attic. What an enabler Mom is. Of course, we all know Mike's her fave.

Gramps's health. ZZZZZ.

Mom & Dad's holiday next month. God help us, no1 iz looking forward 2 how they're gonna B talkin' abt that 4ev. & did U notice how it seemz I get left behind? Again? W/Connie lookin' after me? & totally NO mention of me mayB goin' 2 visit Liz during my March break? Dunc sez if I don't get 2 go sumwhere 4 March break this yr, I should call Shannon's mom (the social worker) & get my 'rents in trub. Whattya think?

Dad's letter: In other news, Dad's still boring!

Hot holiday. He'z complaining in advance. Geez, stay home & send ME! I won't complain! "But not to worry, we go back to work to relax from our holiday." Yeah, delusional-Dad. Peeps everywhere were sooooo worried abt U & Mom & getting enuf relaxation.

& here he goez abt me: "I have to say, though, other than her amazing moods, she is a pretty good kid, and so far has shown fairly balanced judgment." Way 2 do the left-handed compliment. My amazing moods? Gimme a break. What abt yr amazing moods, & Mom's. Whatevs. Again.

Hmm, so has Dad fired Everett Callahan & replaced him w/that Elliot Everett guy who works by the mall? Or has Dad just decided he can change ppl's names? I hope it's the name-changing thing, 4 Everett's sake, eh? So, my Dad dumpster-dove sum stinky "tooth" display & is using it 4 a Valentine'z-day drawing? Puh-leaze. & is the gift basket gonna have toothbrushez, paste, & floss insteada chocciez?

Ew, Dad, no1 wants 2 think abt U tryin' 2 romance Mom, w/Valentinez baskets or housework, K? Just keep that image 2 yrself & outta every1 else's brain!

Dad & the Bushwacker. No wonder he's no help when Mom's sitting on the fence o' st00pid abt selling or not selling the store. Just sell the dumbarse car already. Insteada goin' on & on abt it every month. Guess what, Dad? No1 thinx yr dumb car is romantic, never did. & shut up abt the GPS devices, like U don't know all abt them already.

Liz's letter: "I'm experiencing a really nice stage in what I hope will be a long-term relationship. Paul makes me laugh and he treats me like a queen! My head says to take it slow, but my heart takes over whenever he's around. But...I'm not ready to say too much about this yet!" Liz, this is so U! But then @ least U share a lil bit more l8r in yr letter, eh? Soundz like things R going well, & it's cube how U both luv yr jobs. & NE1 who followz this blog sure knowz U 2 have discussed "pet ownership", LOL!

MayB U were supposta meet Paul. . . . Wow, it's no small thing 4 Liz 2 come out & say that, eh?

Mike's letter: OMG, Mike, obsessed w/Martha much? "She's cut her hair short and put on a little weight, but she's still pretty and active, loud and gregarious. " Geez, Mike, she'z turning 30 this yr (like U), not 206! Soundz like U're telling us abt a senior-citizen who's "still spry".

Martha's abt 2 marry again, & Mike'z going in2 a fantasy abt what if he'd married her? Then he all backs out & pretendz he'z super-happy w/his life the way it is, wdn't change a thing. So Y the big fantasy abt marrying Martha?

& like pretending U spend enuf time w/yr littlez 2 know the way they feel abt NEthing. Gd 1, Mr. Hides-in-the-Attic.

Also funny how Mike pretendz he's ever been able 2 understand Shakespeare & Chaucer. Ne1 who's witnessed 1 of his "modernizations" knowz better.

Dee's letter: I think Dee mite B one of thoze germphobez U sumtimez C on the talkshowz. Being a pharmacist's not a gd job 4 a germphobe, eh?

"Lots of people are planning to embark on tropical vacations at this time of year"? U mean, like my leaving-April-behind 'rents? Ooh, & Dee's practically a detective keeping the world safe fr. the drug dealerz tricking docs in2 giving them a scrip. Man, I feel sorry 4 the peeps who R wrongly accused of this. U so know it's happening!

I think Dee's taking martyr lessons fr. my mom. She wants 2 get away w/out the kidz 4 a wk, & she knows both sets of g-'rents wd B willing 2 sit, but she just can't, just can't. Cuz if she did, she'd hafta quit complaining abt how she just can't.

More ridiculousness abt how Mike does every kinda writing imaginable:

I've been having some discussions with Mike about our need to spend more time together as a family, but the manuscripts keep coming in, and his regular clients are referring him to their friends. He does everything from advertisements to introductions. He's written three speeches (one a charming acceptance speech for an award recipient who never showed up!) and he's edited too many manuscripts, many of which don't get published! He's written wedding vows and eulogies. He's gone over scripts and theses and when I talk about a "war of words" I mean that I have a small personal war with the endless writing - which I know is his passion and also his career!

Is this supposta B a joke? & we all know Mike is hiding fr. his fam cuz he wants 2 avoid them. He pretty much admitted that last month. He's a jerk. He was a jerk last month, and he's still 1 this month. NE1 surprised?

Of course, Dee segues rite back in2 how he's running himself ragged & she'z just worried abt the poor dear's health. Ew, make it abt how he's a jerk, Dee! It's pretty clear & simple. But if he's getting sick a lot, this must B pretty ruff 4 the germaphobic Dee, eh?

"The Kelpfroths are impossible.." Yeah, yeah, second verse, same as the 1st. Have U guyz EVER tried a reasonable convo w/theze peeps? No? I didn't think so.

Weed's working on a project so that'll mean Mike will B involved? ::rolleyez:: Gotta laff @ this bit, tho: "I suspect he'll be asking Mike to collaborate. They're a hot team! Together they've produced some wonderful things." Yeah, that's the way 2 describe their seekrit luv!

Yoga & Deanna time: Cube, it's abt time U did that, Dee! Tho U know when that 1st Thursday rollz around, Mike's gonna totally whine & try 2 get outta it. MayB call Mom & beg her 2 come over so he can hide in the attic as usual.

Iris's letter: Well, Jim & Iris R still alive. Whoev had "Feb 1" in the death pool 4 either of 'em loses!

Do U care abt their Aquafitness? Me, neither.

Moviez, book of the month club, lecture seriez @ the uni. Of course Gramps thinx it's s00per-funnee that the topic is "ancient ruins", cuz, y'know, old foax go 2 the seriez. U're not laffing? Don't feel bad, it's just cuz U're normal.

So, like, Y can't Gramps & Iris visit Iris's kidz & g-kidz 2gether? Iris is alwayz doing the Patterson-family stuff. Does her family not count as much? Not cube, Gramps!

So, Gramps giving Iris his "time to wind up" salute. OK, 1st he'z 2 lazy 2 write this month's letter. Then he actually rushes Iris 2 finish up faster after he palms it off on her. V. nice, Gramps.

Pets' letter: U mite B wondering Y I wd write out the pets' letter w/pen & paper insteada on the 'puter. Mom insisted 4 sum reason. "Let's celebrate the lo-tech 4 a change, April." Mom so luvs being a technophobe.

I know, the pets' letter's a real snoozer, eh? Butts & the chewing. Finally, we're doing sumthin' about it. I don't know what took us so long, really, I don't. Doggie daycare. I know, U can barely keep yr eyez open. Friday guitar lessons. After hockey coverage 4 yrbook. Bizzy Fridayz!

Well, sorry this took s00per-long AGAIN! I'll just publish this B4 I proof cuz I wanna not keep U w8ing NE longer. . . .

Apes

*OK, if NE of U out there prefer 2 roll yrs, that's yr biz. I just don't like how my mom triez 2 MAKE us all do thingz her way, even 4 our skivviez.

Beatrice = Long-lost fam?

Gotta make this 1 a quickie. . . .

Yesterday @ Lilliput's, Mom was sitting @ her computer , staring like a mental case, when Moira & Beatrice came up 2 her, & Moira sed, "Elly, Beatrice & I think U shd take sum time off." Mom was all, "I took time off @ Xmas." Moira was like, "It wasn't enuf." Ooooh, BURN! Mom went, "Moira, I....I'm starting 2 have second thots abt the bookstore." Moira asked, "What do U mean '2nd thots'?" & Bea was all, "How abt filling us in on the first ones!" Ooh, Patterson-style comedy. Is she a long-lost relly? Or has Mom just been a v. bad influence?

Well, that's all I've got 4 the mo. I'm guessing peeps'll B writing in 2 tell me they heard other ppl having, like, almost the xact same convo, but slightly diff, eh? Curious how that keeps happening. . . .

Apes