Not Leaving

Mom told me abt trying 2 take Iris home Monday nite, Grandpa Jim's 1st nite there after the stroke. Mom was, like, "Iris, it's almost midnite. Let me take U home." And Iris was, like, "I don't want 2 leave Jim, Elly." Tho Mom sed, "I'll bring U back--1st thing int the morning. I promise", Iris went, "I don't want 2 leave Jim." Mom pressed on w/"He's sleeping comfortably. There'z nothing more we can do. Come and get some rest." Iris clutched at Mom's arm, blinked a lot, and sed, "I don't want 2 leave him!!" Then she grabbed Gramps's hand, blinked a bunch while gazing @ him, and Mom had the feeling that Iris was thinking, "And...I don't want him 2 leave me."

So, if U've read my fam's monthly letters for October, U know a bit more abt Gramps. He's not talking [yet?], we don't know if he'll B able 2 walk or what-all else. It's really bad, like I sed in my letter, I can hardly think of NEthing else rite now. Funny how Dad can still start his letter with obsessing on the teeny-tiny train house, and Mike can start (and make his mostly abt) the "Sheilagh" manuscript. Gah. Oh, I didn't link the pets' letter, in case U care. Y do we even do that one?!?!?!?

Be well,

Apes (not the kind of "apes" in Mom's letter, tho)

Dispatch from Michael

In case U were wondering abt how-all Michael found out abt Gramps this past Monday nite, he d-cided 2 post a comment last nite:

April,

Little sis. I decided that I have gotten tired of listening to you complain about memory loss in your Blog entries. Therefore, I will recount to you the story of how I came to learn about Grandpa Jim’s stroke.

It was a dark and stormy night. Deanna was dealing with the children as she normally does. Then the night was made even darker and stormier by a phone call from Mr. Archie Andrews about the deadline for some freelance work I am doing. The disadvantage to working at home is that people think they can call you at all times of the night to ask about what you have been doing. Mr. Andrews is one of the worst. “Do you know when the project is due, Patterson? I have to have those love sonnets ready for my date with Veronica Lodge tomorrow. If I don’t have them, then Reggie Mantle wins the contest and he gets to go out with Veronica.” I am tempted to respond, “I could get this project done, if I wasn’t constantly on the phone with you answering your questions about when it is due.” Of course, a Patterson would never say anything that rude, so I just said, “Yes, I know this project is due tomorrow, Mr. Andrews” over and over again. Fortunately for me, mom called to tell me about Grandpa Jim’s stroke, so I was able to get Mr. Andrews off the phone, by telling him I had to take mom’s call. I was reaching for our black telephone, when mom’s voice piped into the cell phone I already had up to my ear. I don’t know how she did that.

Mom said, “Mike? It’s mom. I have some terrible news. A prime rib dinner went to waste tonight. And it was a good one from Anne Nichols at the Empire Hotel. You know how good those prime rib dinners are over there? It is a tragedy. A complete tragedy.”
I said, “What?”
Mom said, “Oh, and your grandpa Jim had a stroke. We’re here at hospital.”
I said, “Grandpa Jim has had a stroke?”
Mom said, “I just said that. Are you repeating what I say back to me?”
I said, “Yes.”
Mom said, “Well stop it.”
I said, “Uh huh…”
Mom said, “And stop using those ellipses too. You’re not special needs.”
I said, “Uh huh,”
Mom said, “We are waiting for the inflammation in your grandpa’s head to go down, so the doctors can tell us just how much damage has been done. As soon as we find out, we’ll let you know how he is…”
I said, “As soon as you know how he is…”
Mom said, “Stop repeating me and stop using those ellipses.”
I said, “Uh huh…We will.”
Mom said, “Ellipses! Michael. Ellipses! “
I said, “And mom?”
Mom said, “Yes, Michael.”
I said, “…I’m so sorry.”

Mom was furious with my last ellipse, even though I was apologizing. It was worth it to slide it in. Even as I rejoiced in getting that joke in, my problems suddenly seemed so unimportant. So, I said it to Deanna, only I realized afterwards, I forgot to phrase it as a question instead of a statement. I’ve noticed our family has a difficulty with posing questions anymore, even when the sentences really should be questions. My beloved Deana sympathized with me, by placing her hand on my back. I thought about our Grandpa, suffering from the effects of a stroke. No longer able to get around very well. No longer able to speak coherently. Really not that different, now that I think about it. But it’s too early to tell. Deanna and I hope that Grandpa Jim has a full and complete recovery, and he is just as coherent and mobile as before, except maybe more mobile and more coherent.

That’s how I found about Grandpa Jim’s stroke.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Yeah, Mom is weird abt those ellipses. She thinx only she shd B allowed 2 used them cuz she thinx every1 else abuses them. Ellipse abuse! Mom is weird, yo.

Sgt. Royalson, I M not even sure what 2 b-lieve rite now, but when U post, U can click "other" and write in yr name insteada using the "anonymous" option. U know, if U feel like it.

Apes

I want my Grandpa.

Well, even tho what I'm abt 2 tell U happened this past Monday, I cdn't tell U B4 cuz I was so upset my memory, like, lapsed. Luann, I'm glad yr bro Brad showed up @ the oldiez complex 2 help!

Dad and I met Mom and Iris @ the hospital, and Dad asked, "How is yr Dad, Elly?" Mom was, like, "They don't know. He's had a serious stroke. They're doing tests on him now." I was, like, "What happened xxactly?" And even tho I was upset, I noticed that I was almost as tall as Mom. Mom sed, "Something has caused an injury 2 his brain, April. That meanz there's inflammation which has 2 go down." Way 2 assume I don't know what a stroke is. I meant what happened, like what was he doing, what did he say and do, like that." Mom went on, "It will B a few dayz B4 we know how much damage has been done." I was like, "Damage?" Then I added, "U mean, he mite not B able 2 speak or walk or..." C, I know these can B things that happen w/a stroke. Mom was all, "No1 can make NE predictions. We just have 2 w8. I kinda collapsed in2 Mom's arms while Iris went in 4 a hug fr. my Dad. While I was thinking "I want my Grandpa", I had a feeling that Mom was thinking "I want my Dad", that Iris was thinking "I want my husband back!" and that Dad wasn't thinking NEthing @ all. And I was short again.

And then the next thing that happed, was-- was, was. Aw, shoot, my memory's blanking out again. I think I won't remember until 2morrow morning. Sorry abt that peeps. Pls think gd thots 4 my gramps.

Apes

Stroke?

So, Monday nite @ Gramps an' Iris' place, Mom called 911 and told the dispatcher, "Yes, cd U send sum1 rite away, pls! --I think my dad has had a stroke!" Iris was trying 2 talk 2 him, "Jim! Jim?" Then when my mom hung up, she went, "A stroke?!! --But... He was sitting @ the table just a few minutes ago. He was having a cup of tea! He was talking abt Xmas, --He was fine!!!" Then she put her arm on Grandpa's shoulder and sed, "Jim! Can U hear me?!!" And Mom told her, "I don't think he can, Iris. Sumthing is very wrong here. Let's w8 until the ambulance comes." Iris kinda threw herself on2 him, and Mom put her hands on Iris's shoulderz, saying "He's still alive, Iris!" And Iris replied, "Yes, his body is still alive... But is he still in there?!!"

::sob:: I hope so, I luv my Gramps! :(

Apes

Gramps Health Scare?

So, since Mom 8 the prime rib dinner that Annie Nichols gave her for Gramps Friday, Annie gave her another one yesterday and told her "I'm calling ahead 2 the Milborough Senior Living Palace 2 let them know 2 xxpect this, Elly, so if U can't control yrself this time, U'll have sum xxplaining 2 do!" So Mom 8 an entire burnt-butt casserole 2 keep her appetite in check B4 she went 2 the Empire Hotel 2 pick up the replacement meal 4 Gramps.

So, when Mom got 2 the odefoax home yesterday evening, the guy out front was all, "Jim and Iris R xxpecting U, Elly--but U'll have 2 leave the prime rib here." And Mom was all, "Not a chance, Dom. The box goez w/me!" When Mom got 2 the apt, Iris was all, "Elly! Thank God U're here!" Mom was, like, "Wow--Dad must B hungry!" Inside, as Mom was putting the dinner box on the counter, Iris was running over 2 Grampa's chair, and Mom was all, "What's wrong?" Iris was, like, "It's Jim! He sat down and... He isn't moving! He's just looking str8 ahead!!!" Mom went, "Is he breathing?" Then she went up 2 Gramps and sed, "Dad! U're scaring us!! DAD? DAD!!!" Iris was like, "He's not joking, Elly!... Not when U've brought prime rib!!!" Geez, enuf w/the prime rib worship already! My veggie lasagna is a zillion times better than st00pid prime rib. But NEway, Y didn't Iris just call 911 rite away? Y didn't Mom do it instead of standing there telling him he's scaring them?

NEway, I'm not sure what's going on w/Gramps. I don't think I'll B able 2 tell U more until 2morrow morning!

Apes

Poor Gampers!

Yesterday afternoon, Annie Nichols, our neighbour, came by and asked Mom, "So, how did yr father like the prime rib special I packed up in the care package 4 him and gave U when U came by the hotel last Friday, Elly?" Mom turned all red and confessed that she 8 it all on the way home, all "SMACK...SLURPP...SNIFF", and then thot, "--Never fill yr car w/food when U're HUNGRY!" OMG, Mom, taking food away fr. an OLD MAN! Get sum self control!

But on a happier note, Beatrice Alfarero owes me $20 bux an' she owes Moira Kinney $40. U C, Mom was @ Lilliput's on Friday, "helping", and when I got there after school, Moira was all, "Well, now that April's here, I guess U can go!" So when Mom had put on her coat and was ready 2 leave, Moira was, like, "Thanx 4 yr help, Elly!" And Mom was all, "I luv working here, Moira. It's like old times." Moira asked if she was going str8 home, and Mom was like, "No--Annie called from the hotel. --She asked the chef 2 make another care package 4 my dad." Moira sed, "Give him my best." Then Mom drove off and Moira went inside and asked me an' Bea, "NE1 care 2 wager whether that food ever makes it 2 Elly's dad?" I was all, "There's no way. She's totally gonna scarf it all down in the car." Bea was like, "That's terrible! How can U 2 say such a thing! Elly's a nice lady, she wdn't eat food that's meant 4 her poor, ailing, semi-immobile father!" Moira and I shot ea other a look and then went 4 our wallets. We cdn't believe sum1 was actually willing 2 take this bet!

NEway, I think I mite suggest 2 Annie that I cd pick up the care packagez 4 Gramps fr. now on!

Apes

Replacement Post

Well, I already drafted 2day's post based on an e-mail Liz sent me yesterday, but then she decided 2 post last nite an' sed the post shd replace what she told me B4. Here's what she posted last nite:

April,

No, you misunderstood. You just assumed I drove all night to go visit Paul because I said I spent today on a nature hike with him. But nothing could be further from the truth! When I woke up this morning, I was in the car with Paul, and we were driving out to this nature trail! He said, "Hello, sleepyhead!" and I said, "How did I get here?" and Paul said, "Beats me. I don't know how I got here either. All of a sudden, I woke up in this car and directions to the nature trail were taped to the steering wheel."

I asked Paul, "Where are we?" And he said, "I'm not really sure. I figure it could be near Mtigwaki, or near Milborough, or anywhere in between!" And I said, "Paul, this is such a puzzle. I just started a new job. I shouldn't have had time to see you until Christmas! I should be home, grading papers! I want to make a good impression! I am already slacking off by having to go to court and testify! What will my principal think if I visit you on the weekends?" And Paul said, "Gosh, Liz, what I'm worried about is I wasn't scheduled to have a weekend off for the rest of this year! I'm probably missing work for this!"

I said, "We should turn around and see if we can find my car. I need to drive home. If I start driving now, I will get to Milborough just in time to grade some papers and iron my Sensible Schoolmarm outfit for Monday." Then Paul handed me a piece of paper. He said, "This letter was taped to the steering wheel also. It says that we should enjoy today. It says we were magically teleported here, and we will be magically teleported back home sometime on Sunday."

I said, "Paul, don't be silly. There is no such thing as magic." And Paul said, "The letter is signed, 'The Good Witch of the North.'" I said, "Oh, that's different then. Mom knows her. Does the letter say what we're supposed to do?" I looked at the letter. It said we should frolic through the woods on the nature trail and enjoy the 'fall foliage.' I said to Paul, "Oh, that sounds like fun. I've never seen foliage before! Also, the leaves are turning colors right now. It should be pretty!"

Paul kind of made a face and then he said, "Liz, I have an idea. You and I hardly ever get to spend time together anymore. Instead of going on this long hike, what do you say we go to my place and have 'special cuddles'?" April, you won't know what I'm talking about, so I will explain. 'Special cuddles' is what two people who really, really like each other but they aren't married yet. They lay down together in bed, and get very close together. They are wrapped in some sheets. Then the parents of one of the members of the couple puts a long board between the boy and the girl, like an ironing board. Then they are wrapped up very, very tight so they can cuddle and kiss, but there can be no hanky-panky. Mom calls it 'bundling,' but I prefer 'special cuddles.'

Anyway, I said to Paul, "No, if the Witch wants us to go hiking, we have to go hiking. But we can probably hold hands, and maybe even put our arms around each other. People do that when they hike." Then Paul asked me, "Can we kiss?" I looked at the letter again and told him no. "The letter only talks about hiking. People can't kiss while they hike. The Witch did not give us permission to kiss." Then Paul said some Ojjebbweigh words I don't know. When I asked him what they meant, he said they were a special communication from him to the Witch. I think it's nice he is starting to respect my family's religious beliefs.

Anyway, we went hiking. It was nice. We saw leaves and held hands. Also, we did sit down at one point, which I only let us do because Paul pointed out that all people have to take a rest when they are hiking. He tried to kiss me, but I pointed out that while resting is necessary, kissing during the rest is not. I don't want to break any Witch rules.

Paul was kind of quiet after that and he seemed to have this funny, scrunched-up look on his face, so I decided to distract him with some conversation. So I said, "We're incredibly rich, Paul." And Paul said, "We are?" And I said, "No amount of money could buy a day like today." And Paul said, "That's true. I don't think it's possible to buy magical teleportation services on the free market, at least not yet."

That's pretty much all there is to tell. We are going back to the car now. I figure we will get teleported home soon.

Liz

I wish I cd teleport. That wd B so much cuber than taking the bus 2 school and back.

Apes

Becky talks and I make st00pid faces

More abt our bus ride home Tuesday. But B4 I start, disclaimer 4 Mike since he confuses so easily. Purpose of 2day's entry? NOT mocking Becky. Just telling what happened on the bus. And there are NO puns in 2day's entry, spoken or thot. Now that I've got that out of the way....

Beckers was all, "Seriously! It is so hard 2 B famous! U have 2 B 'on' all the time. My looks, my clothes, my performances all have 2 B perfect!! Ppl xxpect me 2 have brilliant replies 2 questions I've been asked 100x B4. If I lose my temper, I'm a spoiled brat. If I'm tired, 'I can't take the pace.' Wherever I go, there'z alwayz sumbody watching me. They're either there 2 make sure I don't 'wreck my image' ...Or 2 take pictures if I do. U're lucky U're still in the same band I started in, April.....U'll never have 2 deal w/all this." Ooh, slam on our band. When Becks sed this last bit, I felt my bangs part themselves, mayB from the heat of my forehead, and I kind of looked upwards, prolly w/a kinda "glowery" look on my face, which I'm sure made me look a new flavour of fugs.

NEway, Becks opened her bookbag and she showed me sum of the pix the tabs have published of her when she's offguard. Howard already mentioned one of them yesterday. Thoze photogs R way harsh!

Apes

Being Perfect

More abt this past Tuesday. On the bus after school, Becks came up 2 me all, "Can I sit w/U?" And I was like, "Sure. No problem!" Becky sat down and went, "Every1 thinks I'm a prima donna, don't they." [Statement] And I answered, "Sumtymez U act that way, Beckers." I think I went in2 silhouette when she tilted back her head and sed, "The truth is... I don't know how 2 act NEmore. They dress me up, tell me what 2 say, how 2 stand, what 2 wear, what 2 do.... " Then I got out of silhouette and she went on, all "And don't get me wrong--I totally luv what I do! But being famous is an awesome responsibility!" I bugged my eyez out a bit when she sed this. Then she went, "U don't know what it's LIKE 2 B perfect!!" When she told me that, I shrunched my eyez shut, pinched my mouth all little, and prolly looked all fugs again. AGAIN. Oh, and I think the weird-looking kid with the knit cap and the Candace hair, sitting in front of us, was totally eavesdropping on our convo.

Apes

Keepin' it real

So, a lil bit after Liz's final post last nite, the hospital let her take me home. It was v. cube of Liz 2 call Ger an' get him 2 visit. He was so sweet! It's weird how Mike, Liz, and I all had these bizarre dreamz and visions. 1st me, when I was catatonic, going in2 this other reality where I'd drowned in the ravine cuz we didn't have Farley. Then Mike having a dream abt how he never b-came a writer an' he ended up homeless, eating in soup kitchenz. Then Liz having one abt being a ski instructor in BC and having a free, happy kinda life but Mom being all bitter abt no grandbabiez.

NEhoodles, more abt the story I started 2 tell U yesterday. U'll remember that on Tuesday, Becky, who's apparently dropped the "H" in Rebbecah, asked me 2 help her w/an essay during a spare period. After school, Dunc was all, "U helped 'Rebecca' with another essay?" And Eva was, like, "She'z just using U, April." I was all, "I don't care. I've known her since pre-K. She hasn't had the easiest life, guyz." And Dunc sed, "Well, she'z got it easy now! She has two albums out, she'z on TV, she's invited 2 perform all over Canada an' she'z treated like sum kind of goddess!!!" Then, as we were walking down the front stairs out of the school, Eva picked up on the whole "goddess" line w/"Seriously--Y does she even come 2 this school? Y wd she wanna hang w/mortals?!" And I was, like, "MayB we're the only part of her world that's real!" And, like, if that's true, wdn't it B nice if the "real" part of Becks's world didn't just harsh on her all the time! Esp. Eva, who really just got here, and can't B pissed @ Becky over the whole band thing, which we really need 2 B over, like so many yesterdays ago.

NEway, I think every1 needs 2 chill on the Becky bashing. MayB channel all that "oh noooes, it's not fair" jealousy in2 practicing harder an' making our band better than it is, eh?

Apes

Rebeccah's Essay

Yesterday afternoon, Becky came up 2 me as I was getting ready 2 leave one of my classes, and she was all, "April, can I talk 2 U?" And I was, like, "Sure, Rebeccah, what's up?" And Becks was, like, "Rebeccah is my stage name, OK? --Listen ...I am freaking out over this essay! U sed U finished yrs... ...Will U help me w/mine?" And suddenly I felt as though we were small silhouettes an' that peeps cd hear us from outside the window, as I was all, "I thot U had a tutor!" And Becks was like, "Only in the summer an' when we're on the road." Then we went back 2 sorta-normal, and Becky put a hand on my shoulder, all "If U have a spare 2day, wd U help me?" And I was, like, "If I do sumthing 4 U, U hafta do sumthing 4 me." And when Becks went "Sure! NEthing! What?!!" And I was, like, "Acknowledge my existence." And Becks opened her eyez real wide and pursed her lips, so she kinda looked kewpie dollish. But that's not an insult, Becks, esp. since I'm pretty sure I was having one of my "fugs" moments, tho @ least not the worst version(s) of that. But I'd rather look kewpie dollish!

NEway, more abt Becky and the essay l8rz, prolly not until 2morrow morning's entry, tho.

Apes

As a friend, I make a great news anchor! :(

After lunch yesterday, I was walking in the school hallway w/Eva and we saw Becky. I was all, "Whoa! There's Becky!--Oops, I mean 'Rebeccah'!" I don't know Y I hadta B so snotty, but I guess the "Whoa" wuz cuz Becks already missed a buncha school w/that whole fake betrothment 2 Jeremy in the Dominican Republic and all. But still I'm not sure Y I was so surprised 2 C her, I mean I knew she was back. Eva was, like, "And she'z surrounded by her admirers." Which was a lil odd cuz it was more like she had a coupla weird-looking girls, one on either side, gawking @ her while she had her eyez closed. Then, Eva was, like, "U used 2 best friends, April. Does she ever talk 2 U?" Which was a weird kinda overly expository question, doncha think? Like she wanted NE1 who mite B listening in, who mite notta known that, 2 get all caught up w/our story. And I was, like, "Sumtymez." As we were walking away, looking back over our shoulderz @ Becks, she, like, looked @ us, 2, like how obvs was it that we were talking abt her? NEway, I went on, like, "Ever since they started playing her tunez on the radio, she'z changed like 100%!!" And then Eva was all, "...I'd like 2 weigh her head." As in, she'z got a big head now? And U know what I did? I squeezed my eyez shut an' laffed. Even tho it was mean and disloyal, and now I feel bad abt it. @ the time, I guess it was, like, I laffed cuz Eva was being "Team April" when mosta the school is obvs "Team Rebeccah", tho who can really blame them, she'z got sum really cube stuff going on w/her career and she's worked s00per-hard 2 get there. Gah, it's scary how being jellus can make U act so icky. Sorry, Becks. I guess I'll C U in the caf when it's time 4 the sandwich-off w/Ger. Or did U want 2 schedule it @ a diff time, I can't remember if we have the same lunch period.

Apes

My Premonition

I had a weird, tho kinda boring, premonition abt lunch @ school 2day. Eva was sitting @ the head of the table, I was sitting 2 her left, an' Ger was across fr. me, 2 Eva's rite. 4 sum reason, no1 else was sitting @ our table. In this weird, boring premonition, Ger was all, "U wanna swap lunches?" And I was, like, "Nah. My sis makes good sandwiches." C, now Mom has Liz making lunches 4 me--one more person betw me & the delish chicken wraps. Tho luckily 2day is not a "chicken wrap" day, and in the premontion, Ger and Eva also have home-made lunches w/them. So, the next thing Ger sez is, "U don't mind having her around?" And my response is, "Nah. So far, the only 'thing" is the shower." That and the drinking, but Ger and Eva know abt that already, so I guess that's Y I don't say it again. Then 4 sum reason, I go, "My parents R pretty cool. If there'z a problem, we work it out." My parents R "pretty COOL"? Y wd I say THAT?!?!?! And Eva sez, "Whoa! I cdn't STAND it if my brother moved back in w/us! If he moved back in w/us, I wd totally pack up an' leave!" And in this vision, when I ask her "Where wd U go?" She closes her eyez and sez "Yr place."

Jeremy, funny that Eva only just mentioned having a bro 2 U yesterday, and gd pt abt how this makes her not an only child, so more OK 2 my mom. Eva's nev sed NEthing 2 me abt a bro, and mayB this is a sign abt the premo being true. But like I sed, it's really boring, so I kinda hope my brain just made it up. Oh, BTW, I'm back 2 having my hair in that dumb prop bun. It's the hair-curse, yo.

Apes

My Psychotic Episode

I don't know just what got in2 me, peeps, but Friday (9/12) evening, when I got home after working @ Lilliput's, I went in2 a freak-out, where I kicked my foot in2 the air so one of my shoez went flying off an' hit the ceiling w/a big ol' WHACK! I scared the friggin' bejeez outta poor Eddie, who went running for his life, and during this weird kicking of mine, I had my eyez squeezed shut, my fists balled up, and my arms were in sum weird strongman kinda config, like my rite arm was up, making a muscle, and my other arm was doing the same thing, but upside down, kinda like I was doing a tricep xxercise. And my feet and shoez had become freakishly small, and my limbs seemed undersized 4 my body. I had my hair up in a high ponytail insteada the prop-bun, and I was wearing sum lowrise blue pants, a white shell, and a little shorty top with light green/dark green vertical stripes. With my eyez still squeezed shut, I screamed out, "IT'S NOT FAIR!" And then I went and got my books, flung them on2 the kitchen table, and again, I was all, "IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!" Like I was gonna keep doing this drama-queen shizz until sum1 came along 2 find out just what I was spazzing on. When I flung thoze book on2 the table, I did it w/so much force that they caused a weird aura of orange and brown motion ripplez on the table.

Well, Liz came over, all wearing a pink top and matching pink earrings, and asked "April? What's the matter?" And without even opening my eyez, I shrieked, "Every teacher thinks that their subject is more important than NE1 else's!" I yelled this w/my tung sticking out, sumhow. Then I opened my eyez & went on, "So, what do they do?-- Heap so much work on U that it's not POSSIBLE 2 do a good job on NETHING!!!" Then I did that classic "Patterson" gesture of placing one hand on my sternum, all "I've got 2 essays 2 write, 3 pages of math 2 do, an entire set up history diagrams 2 complete and a book 2 read--by Monday!" Then we sat @ the table and I put my elbows on the table, scrunched my eyez shut, and buried my forehead in2 the heelz of my spindly lil handz that were all misshapen again. Liz put a hand on my back & another on my left elbow, and she sed, "Take it easy! Just start something after dinner and dedicate one hour 2 it." I crossed my arms across my chest, open my eyez 3/4 of the way, and sort of sucked my upper lip in while jutting my lower up in a most unnatural way, as Liz continued all, "Then, take a break and do another hour. U'll B surprised by how much U'll accomplish." Then, while primly placing one hand betw her boobs, Liz was all, "What? ...Y R U looking @ me like that?" And I was all, "U're a teacher, EEEEEEElizzzzabehhhhhth." Then I squeezed my eyez just, and yelled w/my mouth open as wide as poss, Mom style, "U're one of THEM!!"

Gah, I think I mite need sum anger management. MayB a lil thorazine? I h8 it when I get all unhinged and overreact so much, like a latter-day Elly! It so freaks me out when this happs.

Well, I h8 2 admit that Liz's advice wasn't all terrible. I did get started on my h'work rite after dinner, and I worked on it all yesterday. I'm almost dun, I just hafta proof my essayz and finish the last chapter of the book. But still, I guess I really wanted sum1 2 agree abt the whole "unfair" thing. I guess no1 past schoolage really will, tho.

Apes

Mike's L8est Pun

So, U will remember that Liz visited Mike @ his and Dee's apartment a coupla nites ago. Mike decided 2 post a comment telling the next bit of that story:

April,

Little sis. While Deanna is recharging her batteries from our 5th anniversary “couple time”, I thought I would take the time to finish my story about Elizabeth’s visit to us, which I started yesterday.

After Elizabeth had drunk all our wine, she was in our kitchen, with her body propped up on the counter, so she could stand without falling down. Deanna came in and said to me, “If son cries for food, Deanna gets up with son.” I started to help with his bottle, but you know how fumble-fingered I am. I’m a writer, not a baby bottle maker, after all. After I squirted most of my son’s formula over the counter by the stove, Deanna brought in our son and said, “If Mike is a fumble-fingered idiot, then Deanna takes over the feeding.”

Well, while all this was going on, Elizabeth started into what can only be described as the typical drunken love rant. You know the kind, where the drunk tries to convince herself that leaving the beloved was the right thing to do. And then the drunk’s speech is filled full of ellipses as she gets slower…and slower…and slower. Elizabeth was right on form when she said, “I miss Paul. I know I made the right decision to leave the north…but…I miss him so much.”

Then Deanna said something I was not expecting. She said, “Has he applied for a transfer to Toronto?” as she was holding our son on the kitchen counter so he could eat and not hurtle to the floor. I think Deanna must have momentarily been interesting what Elizabeth was saying, but she soon returned to her regular way of doing things. After Elizabeth answered her question with, “I think so. He certainly talks about it.”, Deanna walked off with our son contentedly in her capable arms, which was probably a smart thing to do. I wish I had followed her. I was forced to actually try and understand what Elizabeth was saying. What did she mean, “I think so.”? Is she suggesting that her boyfriend would talk and talk about getting a transfer and then lie about doing it? What purpose would that serve? More long phone conversations with Elizabeth? The way she was incoherently rambling, I seriously doubted that. If he doesn’t plan to get the transfer, then he has essentially ended the relationship and if he had any sense he would also end the phone conversations. If he has applied for the transfer, why does Elizabeth doubt him?

I was contemplating these things, when Elizabeth switched gears again and started talking about her boyfriend before this one, Warren Blackwood. I thought, “Kill me now. I have to listen to my sister compare her boyfriends to each other…again. Weren’t we done with this conversation back in December?” As a dutiful brother I listened to her as she said, “When Warren and I broke up, I promise myself-no more long-distance relationship!...And here I am, in another long distance relationship.” April, as you may recollect, Warren Blackwood was the boyfriend who wasn’t a boyfriend who never was a boyfriend. He made quite an impression on you at Elizabeth’s university graduation by buzzing the crowd with his helicopter, but after that…nothing. As mom would say about Warren, “A couple of platonic dates in university, with no contact for a 1 ½ years after that, does not a boyfriend make. Anthony Caine sees her more often than that.” As usual mom was right about Warren. However, I couldn’t take any more of this pity party. Cheeze. I love my sister Elizabeth, but there are two things about her I can do without. (1) Her incoherent rambling when she’s drunk. (2) Her complaining about long distance relationships when it is so obvious what she is about. When she graduated university, if she didn’t want a long distance relationship with her non boyfriend Warren, she should have moved to British Columbia where he worked and not that place in Northwest Ontario, whatever it was called, where she was for the last 2 years. If she didn’t want a long distance relationship with her constable boyfriend, she shouldn’t have moved to Milborough. And the one she failed to mention was, if she didn’t want a long distance relationship with Anthony Caine, she shouldn’t have gone to school in Nipissing, but stayed local. After all, Deanna and I both went to Western and we turned out great.

Then I had a stroke of Michael genius—a sure fire way to get me out of that painful conversation. A pun. And the best part is that unlike most of my puns which only have 2 meanings, this one had 3. I said, “Oh well. You know what they say: ‘Absence makes the heart go wander.’” You see, April. It’s normally ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder, Isle of Beauty, fare thee well!’ from Thomas Haynes Bayly’s Isle of Beauty. That’s meaning number #1. But because I reversed the meaning to its opposite with a clever rhyme. “Grow fonder” becomes “Go wander.” And by reversing it, it could mean that her constable, if he is truly not trying to get a transfer, may be out with other women, like what Warren and Anthony did when Elizabeth was a long distance from them. Or it could mean that Elizabeth herself is wandering into the arms of one Anthony Caine, which I think many people suspect, since she spent a lot of time with him recently talking about her court case.

I had also thought about, “Absence makes the heart go blonder”, which would work if her constable was interested in blondes. But where he is living there are probably not many of those. Or “Absence makes the heart ‘go yonder’, or ‘go ponder’, or ‘love squandered’ or ‘Andean condor’, but none of those others were as good. Anyway, I thought it was pretty clever with the 3 meanings, but not that funny. Elizabeth agreed with me and stretched her upper lip to a frightening degree to say, “That’s not funny!!!” I said, “Sorry.” But I wasn’t really sorry, I was so glad I found a way to get out. With Elizabeth behind me, her eyes half-closed and her mouth twisted and no doubt close to passing out, I escaped from the hideous conversation, thanks once again, to my fine punning ability.

Let this be a lesson to you April. First you pun, and then you run.

Love,
Michael Patterson

I don't agree w/Mike that often, but this time I've gotta say he's rite 2 point out that Liz made all these choices that led 2 "long-distance relationships", and now she's acting like these were just things that happened 2 her. Weird. I really don't get that. Mike, as 4 that other comment, where U ask me Y I'd wanna change Dee, U R making my head hurt, cuz U R the one who changed her, and now U R being all "let Dee be who she is". Y cdn't U have let her B who she WAS? Hey, ppl, can NE1 out there help me get Mike 2 understand Y The Stepford Wives is a tale of misogyny (vocab word!) and not "loving women"? Cuz I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick-and- stucco wall.

Howard, Becks, wow, that journey U guyz had thru the central vac in2 an alternate reality? Wow, I had no idea. I'll bet altenate-reality Mom is a lot nicer, 2, eh? U prolly wondered what happened on this end. I heard Liz screeching, "Soft-bellied Howard! What are U DOING here?" And then I saw this version of Howard who had obviously not taken up weightlifting, and he was all, "Darling, U know U can't drink in yr condition!" Then he saw that this Liz didn't have his Beth's "condition", and she obvs didn't luv him, and she didn't have a wedding ring. He asked Liz a buncha questions abt what happened in our reality last yr, but Liz was 2 busy chasing after Shiims to answer. So I told him the whole going-after story, and Liz going back 2 Mtig, dealing w/the "going after" in her "own way", meeting Paul, moving back here, the subpoena, blah, blah, blah. And he shook his head and said, "That is so very sad." Then he asked, "Where's my lovely future brother-in-law Duncan?" I was, like, "Wha? Dunc and I R just friends. I'm d8ing Gerald Delaney Forsythe. " And he was like "The special-needsist boy? U haven't dumped him yet?" Then Liz kinda passed out, and Shiimsa ran up to alt-reality Howard and jumped into his arms, and he was all, "Well, this is my cue to go back where I came from, strange, alternate April!" And he was gone.

Apes

Lizzie Visits Mike

So, like, Liz visited Mike, and he wrote abt the visit in a comment that he posted here last nite:

April,

What a night this was! Liz called us up and said, “I can’t catch my cat to give him a hug. I am coming over to your apartment.” Then she asked us for directions because she has never been here before, and what can I say? I told her “It's definitely not Rosedale or the Beaches. However, for general geographical purposes it's reasonable to say that we live near the Av&Dav neighborhood or in the vicinity of Summerhill.” Somehow Liz found us and I was a little surprised to find her stumbling in with her eyes already half-closed. Fortunately the children were already in bed, and Deanna had said her usual, “If the time is 9 pm, then Deanna must go to sleep.” I was pretty happy they didn’t get to see Elizabeth in such a state. I know you and dad made fun of Elizabeth for getting a hangover after New Years’ Eve, but I have never seen Elizabeth this tipsy before.

Well then Elizabeth said, “Do you have any wine? I really need a drink.” I poured her a glass of our cheapest, and she launched into this rambling discourse on moving in with mom and dad, starting at a new school, and receiving her subpoena; as if I don’t hear about this stuff every day from you and mom. It got so bad, I had to summarize it for her, to try to keep it all straight. Little sis, I can hardly tell you how difficult it was to see Elizabeth this way. She was barely able to hold up her head, speaking incoherently. Plus she’s getting to be grossly overweight, and putting quotation marks around words that don’t need them. I can scarcely believe it is the same girl we saw leave 2 years for whatever town she used to live in. She was so outdoorsy and full of plans for the future, and if I can say in a big brother kind of way, Elizabeth was a very attractive woman then. It really hurts to see her like this, scraping bottom. I tried to cheer her up by telling her that her life was exciting, when it really isn’t. School-teaching and living with mom are about the dullest things I can imagine. But then Elizabeth said she wanted dull, and my first thought was, “Well you’re in the right place.”

So I tried to change the subject to talk about money. Then Elizabeth dropped her bombshell on me. She’s pays mom $500 a month, when mom only wanted $300. I thought to myself, “That’s insane!” After all, Liz is already paying mom back with interest for her car loan. If I were living at home and mom asked for rent, I would laugh in her face. It’s mom. She would pay you to live at home, she is so anxious not to have to deal with Dad’s proposed retirement house. Plus every month you paid rent, you would have to deal with mom parading the check all over town in triumph, like she did the last time she loaned me money I paid back with interest.

Now there are those who might think $500 a month is enough to pay for your own place, but let me tell you, Deanna and I pay over $1000 a month, for a place where we do our own repairs, the downstairs neighbours bang the floor and we have to smell their smoke and incense all the time. If it weren’t for our landlady Lovey giving us a discount, it would be unbearable. Things in the Milborough area and Toronto are incredibly expensive. $500 a month is a bargain, but $300 a month would be better. I still think free was the appropriate price from mom.

But Liz had some idea in her head that by paying mom $200 a month more than what mom wanted, that meant that mom would not ask her any questions. It was like she had completely forgotten what mom is like. Besides, what kinds of things is Liz going to do, she is too ashamed to tell mom? Nothing. Liz is a Patterson, after all. If Liz wanted to pay someone not to ask personal questions, she should be paying you.

There was more to the conversation, which I suppose I can tell you tomorrow. But that’s it for now.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Wow, so Liz forgot she'z got a girl cat, eh? Weird, she has a cat such a long time an', like, forgets the kitty's gender. Good point abt how Liz shd pay ME not 2 ask questions. MayB I can negotiate a rent surcharge or sumthin'. I cd use the cash. Mike, if U haven't had Dee replaced w/a Dee-bot, imprisoning or killing her, then what xxactly is the "product" U've used 2 get her 2 act like a computer-operated robot, eh? Do tell.

Apes

Chasing Cats 4 Cuddles?

Liz told me that she was hanging up the fone after having had a convo w/Paul, and she was thinking, "I wish Paul was here. Talking 2 him on the fone just isn't enuf." Then she saw Shiimsa lying on the counter and went 2 hug her, thinking, "I need a hug.... ?!" And the "?!" was cuz B4 she got a chance 2 do the hug, Shiimsa leapt off of the counter and started 2 run away. And Liz showed how much she still totally hasn't learned 2 B a "cat person" by CHASING AFTER Shiimsa while yelling, "Shiimsa! Come back here!!" Then, after Liz had chased the kitty in2 Mom's sewing room, Shiimsa went under a cabinet 2 hide. Liz crouched down, stuck an arm under there, and was all, "Come out from under the cabinet! Please? Please? PLEEEASE?" And then she was crouched down like that, with both arms stretched in front of her, and she thot, "And they tell us that only ancient cultures worshipped their cats!"

Hm, well, Liz, U might have been crouched down in a worshipful position, but U totally were NOT worshipping that meow-meow. MayB it's time 4 U 2 review thoze cat-care books 4 "imbeciles" that Vivian Crane wrote 4 U. Especially the chapterz on how if U chase a cat, the cat WILL RUN AWAY FROM YOU AND HIDE. Durrr.

Apes

Anthony as Moral Support

I know Liz gets upset when I criticize Anthony, and I wanted 2 talk 2 her abt the trial, so the other day, when she was washing pots and pans, and I was drying, I sed, "@ least U won't have 2 sit thru the trial alone, Elizabeth! ...Anthony will B w/U." Liz was all, "I've been reading abt this stuff, April. We won't B testifying @ the same time, b-cuz they'll want 2 hear our accounts of the story separately." Er, of course, what did Liz think, she'd sit in Anthony's lap in the witness stand, the judge wd go, "One, two, three", and then she an' Anthony wd tell their storiez @ THE SAME TIME?!?!?!?! I went, "NEway, U'll still have sum1 there 4 moral support!" And Liz cut me off all, "I don't want 2 think abt it, April." And I was all, "Sorry", and then I saw Liz having a thot bubble with "But...I can't stop thinking about it" while she looked all collagen-lipped and pouty. And if I weren't trying 2 B nice, I wdna sed "moral support". "Immoral support", morelike. Sorry, Liz, but he'z gonna make this trial all abt him an' trying 2 get back w/U again. Not cube.

Apes

Anthony and Wishes

So, on that day LAST WEEK when Anthony came over 2 talk w/Liz abt their subpoenas (nice pretext, Anth), they leaned over the rail of the porch, and Anthony was all, "The trial isn't until next month. I can make arrangements w/Gordon 2 take sum time off." Liz was, like, "I've just started a new teaching job. What R they going 2 say when I ask them 2 find a sub?" Ooh, so Liz does know abt the whole "sub" concept now! No dragging the entire class 2 court 4 a civics lesson? NEway, Anthony was, like, "4 yr sake, Elizabeth, I wish it had never happened." Again w/"Elizabeth"! And Liz was like, "Well, U can wish as hard as U like--but wishing never changez NEthing." Liz sed she got this v. uncomfortable feeling & then looked out of the corner of her eye an' noticed Anthony giving her this wistful gaze. And he had a thot bubble that sed, "I know."

Argh, Anthony, obsessed much?

Apes

Casual, Anthony, REAL Casual!

So, of course, wdn't U know that when Anthony got served w/his subpoena, he used that as an xxcuse 2 come over and talk 2 Liz abt it. Over coffee. NEway, Liz posted abt what happed in last nite's comments:

April,

Okay, I feel like telling you and your friends a little more about the day I got the suppeena, Anthony told me I should, since he plays a part in the next part of this story of many parts.

Well after I got the suppeena Anthony called up and said he got one too and asked if he could come over to talk to me about it, I asked "why don't we talk about it over the phone?" and he said it was because then I couldn't see his suppeena over the phone, Anthony is so smart. I quick ran and put my contacts in and put on some makeup because you don't want your platonic friends to see you in your glasses without makeup, but of course I left my "around the house" clothes on and my hair in a bun, because as you know April those things make Patterson women attractive to other men, just look how totally gaga Gerald is over you with your propeller bun and you don't dress slutty like your friend "Bergythora" or whatever she's calling herself nowadays.

Well Anthony came over and we sat outside on one of the porches and I asked Anthony "why would you get a suppeena?" and Anthony explained that it was because he was there that day to witness the attack so he would have to testify, like I said before, Anthony is a genius. I was upset because I'm going to have to remember the details of that day, and I've been thinking about it, and it was awful. Here's what happened:

1. Lawrence and Nick left the office.
2. Howard came in and talked to me, it was annoying.
3. Howard called me pretty and grabbed me.
4. Howard grabbed the front of my t-shirt.
5. I yelled for help and my hair fell out of its bun.
6. Anthony grabbed Howard off me.
7. Anthony choked Howard until he looked like an old man.
8. Anthony twisted Howard's ear.
9. Howard ran away.
10. Anthony said I was the only thing in his life worth fighting for.
11. Anthony agreed that my policy of pretending everybody is good even if they aren't is a good one.
12. Anthony hugged me very, very close.
13. The other landscape guys came in and made jokes about wanting to hit Howard.
14. The other landscape guys gave me a whole day off of work for almost getting gone after.
15. Anthony said he would give me a ride home.
16. Anthony begged me to take him back even though he was still married.
17. Anthony stopped the car and made me go walk with him in the park.
18. I put my hair back in a bun to show I am no homewrecker.
19. Anthony said Therese doesn't love him anymore, she only loves her work.
20. Anthony asked me to wait for him.
21. I don't want to tell you what I said to that so I am not going to write anything for this part until after Anthony took me home.
22. I burned the butt off Mom's casserole.
23. I accidentally told Mom some personal stuff about my life, oops.
24. I cuddled with Shiimsa and she made it all better.

I am sure you can pick out which parts are the most disturbing and hardest to think about from that list, it's pretty obvious right?

Then Anthony said that people like Howard should be off the streets and I thought to myself that people like Howard should be off the planet, but you know what I mean, I was thinking about how wrong Canada was to outlaw the death penalty, I just don't get that, do you?

Well you can use whatever parts of this you want for your blog tomorrow, it's fine.

Liz

Liz, I think the court's really only gonna B interested in the Howard part, not all that Anthony stuff from #10 on. But what do I know, I'm just a kid.

Apes

Stoopid Scooter Story

Well, I was rite. When Mom an' I went 2 bring Dixie-ratdog 2 Gramps 4 a visit, he had a lame story abt their shopping trip 2 the Megamart Superstop. Have I mentioned that I h8 Gramps's scooter? He doesn't hafta walk now @ all, just ride the stoopid scooter, so his muscles can atrophy, his spine can b-come even more permanently deformed, and he can hurry up 2 his grave(s). Oh, but it has a lil basket in the front that he and Iris can use 4 their shopping, insteada just using, like, a shopping cart that actually has enuf room 4 all the stuff they wanna buy, so that makes it all worth it eh?

NEway, Iris started loading up Gramp's idiotic basket w/shirts, pillowz, blankets, Puppy Treets, bathroom tissue, an' who knowz what else. She got a bit absent minded as she was guiding the scooter 2 the checkout line. W/the basket piled so high, it's not possible 2 C 2 steer the dumb thing (unsafe!), so sum1 hasta guide it. Well, it wasn't until after Iris had paid and was abt 2 guide the cart out in2 the lot that another biddy came up 2 her, all, "Xxcuse me! That's my husband! Yrs is over here." This other lady an' Iris had accidentally switched scooters and paid 4 ea other's shopping items. Mom an' I totally LOL'ed @ this story. Mom was sitting on the Chesterfield having a cup of tea, and I was actually leaning on the counter, one arm down and the other supporting my head, laffing like this was the best comedy evah, as Gramps sed, "And the worst part is... She sed it cd have happened 2 NEbody."

Nah, I don't think that's the worst part. And I don't know Y I laffed, cuz now I just think it was sad, sad, sad. Gramps: Get rid of the atrophy-mobile, str8en up, and use a friggin' shopping cart!

Anthony, if U use thoze rhymes in yr court testimony, don't 4get 2 wave yr arms around a lot, wink @ the jury, & make kissy faces 2 the judge. That all wd go perfectly w/yr rhymes!

Apes

The Witch is Powerful, But I'm Not So Sure She'z Good!

Aw, man. Man, oh, man, oh man. Where do I start? I had a lil convo w/Mom abt all this that's going on w/Howard Bunt. BUNT! NEway, I was like, "Mom, I thot this was all resolved last yr. It turned out that Howard only pretend went after Liz cuz of that conspiracy where he was tricked in2 thinking Anthony was Liz's grandfather and he took a dive 2 make GrAnthony look all heroic. And the Witch of the North ended up conveniently forgetting the whole thing since it was so bogus NEway. But now this?" Mom sed, "April, sit down." So I sat on the Chesterfield & Mom sat next 2 me. She sed, "All of what U say may well B true. Or @ least it may well have been true." I didn't answer, just looked real confused. And she sed, "Reality is what the Witch of the North sez it is, April. Haven't U figured that out by now?" I sed, "I guess." She went on, "Well, ppl were complaining 2 the Witch abt how unsuitable it was that Howard wasn't suffering repercussions for what he'd done. Ppl who don't read our family's letterz, that is. Y don't they just read the letters?" She shook her head an' I shrugged. "NEway, now that Liz is back in Milboro, the Witch has decided we need 'closure' and 'resolution' in a public way, meaning a trial, that can B covered in the paperz & on TV newz, so even ppl who R 2 lazy 2 read or know abt our monthly letterz can know that crimez don't go unpunished." Me: "But he didn't really commit a crime!" Mom shook her head w/a kinda sad smile. "We're back 2 reality again. Thoze angry ppl wd never accept the big-conspiracy angle, so Lynn is ready 2 alter reality."

I got a scary thot in my head and asked, "Am I gonna get sucked in2 this new reality, like actually believe it and all?" Mom put her arm around my shoulders and sed, "I'm afraid U probably will, April. But if U keep written notes on everything and review them from time 2 time, U can probably shake it off--@ least 4 a while." I wanted 2 know how she knew this wd work, and she sed, "Y do U think I do all that scrapbooking, writing captions 4 my fotos, do U think I'm just that compulsive?" I had 2 admit I did, and she kinda rolled her eyez and laffed. I asked, "Is it gonna start soon?" Mom sed, "I think so. Quick, April, do U know what a subpoena is?" I was all, "Duh, of course, I watch cop showz all the time. And we learned this in school, 2. It's a writ requiring appearance in court to give testimony." Mom sed, "Write that down, b-cuz I have a weird feeling U R abt 2 4get." So I did, I wrote abt the whole convo I just told U abt.

And then the freekiest thing happed. First, I felt my mind go kinda blank. Then I felt like I was abt 11 yrs old again, my brain wiped of all kindsa knowledge an' xxperience fr. the last 4 yrs, an' I went up 2 Liz, like, "What xxactly is a subpoena, Liz?" And Liz was, like, "It meanz I have 2 go 2 court." I looked @ the subpoena and asked, "U, like--have 2 go?" And Liz was all, "Yes. It's the law. If U receive a subpoena, U R legally required 2 attend." And I was, like, "So, the guy who attacked U is finally gonna get what he deserves!" And Liz was, like, "He'z gonna get sumthing, April.... But I doubt that he'll get what he deserves."

Then I went back an' read my notes, and everything came flooding back 2 me. Shizz, guys, I hafta take v. good notes, cuz my brain was so wiped 4 a mo there! Pls, guyz, I need U 2 help me keep my brain working! Pls remind me of stuff, and post notez 4 me in the comments 2 help me remember, K? Becks, I totally don't wanna B a "stupid Patterson", but the Witch up North totally wants me 2 B one, and we all know her powers, don't we?!?!!?

NEhow, Liz also wrote abt my convo w/her in a comment last nite:

Well here is something for your blog tomorrow, you can quote me or not, but now I want to talk about when I told you about the suppeena, how you didn't know what one was and I had to tell you, that was a very nice big sister/little sister teaching moment, it was great, it made me remember how you are much younger than me and I am your mentor, just like how I teach elementary school kids, you have to learn from me, you even looked way younger than usual when we talked. I liked how you asked me if I "like, hafta go" to court, that was so cute, and I had to pat you on the head and explain that yes I did and it was scary but big people sometimes have to do hard things, and you would understand when you grow up, it was like a bonding moment. Then you asked me if Howard would get what he deserves which I think answers your rather slutty and crazy friend Becky's question about who you will be supporting in this, obviously it is me, us Pattersons are the model citizens of Milborough, Mom was even voted "most reasonable woman" by the Milborough Shopper eighteen years running, and I even look like her with the bun and glasses.

Anyway, then I told you Howard would get something but probably not what he deserves, you probably want to know what I was thinking there, well it was about what that nice old policeman told me the other day, about how they would not give Howard the chair because Canada never had the chair, just some stupid painless method of hanging that they got rid of 30 years ago, and I was thinking about how Mom had told me that even the Good Witch of the North probably can't get the death penalty reinstated in Canada, that there are limits to her powers, which is not too surprising, remember she said that in the movie too, she couldn't send Dorothy back to Oz and I guess she can't get them to kill Howard either, but what do you expect, I guess I will have to settle for life in prison or some lame punishment like that. I mean, I was violated, he didn't exactly grab my "chest area" but he did grab the part of my t-shirt that went over it, that's obscene.

Gah, I need 2 soak my head!

Apes

Howard BUNT?!?!?!

Liz wanted 2 tell the next bit of her story in her own words, yo, so here goes:

April and friends,

Okay, you were right, you tricked me into saying the right thing I did was turning Howard in and you are so right, it turns out that he is a big fat liar, Becky should thank me for keeping her from marrying such a bad man. His name is not really Howard Kelpfroth, it's Howard Bunt, when I told the cop Howard was going by Kelpfroth he said "Oh yes, he has many aliases," and they said they have been watching him for a long time, and a bunch of other young women "came forward," I don't know what that has to do with anything, but it means he can get tried, and I have to testify, that is a big bummer, I even got a fancy piece of paper called a suppeena that says I have to. I am going to have to take some days off for that, it is going to be a big deal, Mom says I can borrow one of her best suits to wear to court, and I am going to put my hair in a bun and wear my glasses, it will make me look very old and responsible.

I told the policeman that I was in shock, and I am, I can't believe I have to talk about this again, as you know I dealed with this in my own way last year, and I don't like to talk about it, and I asked the cop, and yes they are going to make me talk about it in court, in front of all those people, or they will put me in jail for something called "con-tempped" which sounds to me like hiring a person who went to jail to do typing and filing and stuff around the office, but it's not, it means you have to talk about something in court or you get in trouble. I reminded him that I am a Patterson and we don't like to talk about this kind of stuff and he said it didn't matter, that I would have to talk about it, that it had been decided before by "the power that be" that this problem would all just go away but now "she", I guess "she" is the power that be, wants us to talk about this again, he said it was pretty surprising, that she hardly ever gets around to "tying up loose ends" this fast, the policeman said that usually stuff like this gets forgotten for years or the past even gets changed so it didn't happen at all, I was very confused by that, but he said he didn't have time to explain the non-linear nature of time, he had to go bring a suppeena to someone else who is very important in this case.

I thought about this and I think what he means is that important people can change their minds about how they feel or think about important stuff whenever they want to and everyone else just has to go along with what they decide, and I am very important because I'm a Patterson, so I have decided that I really am mad at Howard for grabbing my boob, after all he did not buy me dinner or an engagement ring first, so he should go to prison for as long as they can send him, and maybe even longer than the law allows, that's how bad it is to grab a Patterson girl's boob without getting permission from the girl, her dentist father, a reverend, and the province of Ontario first.

Becky, I am not afraid of you.

Liz

Howard Bunt, eh? Who knew? Here's what Howard wrote l8 last nite:

April,

After Becky and I left Tim Hortons, we took Nolan Sears home. Becky had a pretty good time at Tim Hortons, but faced with the idea that this would be her last night with me for awhile, she got pretty sad. When we got home, we found Thorvald and Freyfaxi sleeping in my room, with a sign posted on the door that said, “Thorvald and Freyfaxi’s Room.” Becky said, “You’re not even gone yet and he’s taken over your room.” So we lay together, I with my arms around Becky, and her holding me and sobbing. Then the telephone rang. It was my lawyer.

She said, “I got back from my trip and I got your message. What’s this about going to jail tomorrow?” So, I told her the story about Officer Luggsworth and my lawyer said, “Howard. I would tell you if you were going to jail. You haven’t even had your trial yet. For whatever reason, Officer Luggsworth has played a trick on you. It’s probably a part of their surveillance.” I said, “Surveillance?” My lawyer said, “Yes. To get more evidence against you in your trial.” I said, “They have 3 women who have pressed charges, how much more evidence do they need?” My lawyer said, “I think it’s because the case against you is pretty weak. After all, I dug up evidence that Elizabeth Patterson assaulted her boyfriend in university with her fists and a frying pan. I will use it against her if necessary.” I said, “I really don’t want to hurt Elizabeth Patterson, if she had made some mistake about a man’s affection for her.”

My lawyer said, “Don’t worry, Howard. You’re in good hands. By the way, did you know your last name is really Bunt?” I said, “What? How did you find this out?” My lawyer said, “The charges against you were against your birth name, for some reason.” I said, “So the witch of Corbeil was right. My last name isn’t Kelpfroth.” My lawyer said, “Yes. That’s correct. It’s actually in your favour, because in Milborough, 90% of all criminals have a last name starting with ‘k’.” I said, “What kind of a last name is Bunt? That sounds like the sound effect of a horse running its head against a teenaged girl.” My lawyer said, “No. That sound would be ‘BUTT’. ‘Bunt’ is a baseball or softball term.”

I guess I am going to trial instead of jail. Who would have thought normal legal procedure would occur in Milborough? Becky was pretty excited I would not be going to jail yet. She is looking forward to seeing my trial.

Howard Bunt

It's like what Liz sed in her letter last Oct. never happed, eh? Weird!

Apes

Cliffhanger

Yesterday afternoon, Liz was sitting @ the kitchen table grading student compositions ("Can U believe that school made me assign homework so early?"), when the doorbell rang. I answered the door, and then went in 2 tell Liz, "Elizabeth, there'z a policeman @ the door--and it's not Paul!" Liz sez that when she went 2 the door, the officer, a balding, mustachioed guy holding an envelope, was all, "Miss Elizabeth Patterson?" And when Liz answered "Yes", the policeguy was like, "May I come in pls?" As Liz was showing him in, he was, like, "I have sumthing 2 discuss w/U." Liz put her hand 2 her chest & asked, "Did I do sumthing wrong?" The cop didn't answer until they were sitting on the couch, @ which pt he sed, "No... U did sumthing rite."

Liz! What happed next?!?!?! I don't know and Liz sez we hafta w8 an' C, she'll tell me more 2morrow morning. Oh, well, stay tuned, my peeps!

Apes

Liz has a feeling she's not in Kansas her apt NEmore!

Liz sez that when she came home @ the end of her 1st day teaching @ the Glenallen school, she was thinking, "I'm xxhausted. All I want is a hot bath, a bowl of soup & a peaceful place 2 put my feet up." Then, after she'd put on her robe, all assuming the shower was free, she went in2 the bathroom and discovered I was using the shower. Then she wandered in2 the kitchen and Mom was peeling potatoes while the potato sed "Peel peel peel peel peel peel" and a big pot steamed on the stove. Then she went 2 the couch 2 lie down and found the dogz lying there, ea snoring a big "Z", & Edgar looked like a little person, lying on his back w/his head on a pillow an' everything. And Liz thot, "Right. ...I'm not in my apt NEmore." No duh! (Keep reminding yrself whose idea this was, Liz!)

Well, it was cube that Ger, Eva, Dunc, Luis, Jeremy, Vicki, & I all got a chance 2 eat lunch 2gether yesterday on our 1st day back 2 school. And it's so much better being a grade 10 than a grade 9, eh?

Apes

Liz Has a Culture Shock

Well, Liz was in such a sour mood yesterday @ the fam cookout, she barely spoke 2 NE1, & I didn't even realize that the Glenallen school is, like, the only public elementary school in Canada that started B4 Labour Day! Liz decided 2 write abt her 1st coupla days in a post l8 last nite:

Well, people keep pestering me to hear about my first few days of teaching from the end of last week, now I will tell you so you will have something to write about tomorrow for your blog, I didn't want to tell you because I'm still kind of mad, but Mike says you need material despritely.

Okay well what happened the first day was a little weird, we start right out by teaching about the geography of Canada, in particular the rivers and what provinces they go through, that is very important information to know, fishing and other river activities are an important part of the native economy, I was very glad to see that Glenallen already was willing to let me make Native ways a big part of my teaching. Then after teaching about the longest river which is the Mackenzie River in the Northwest Territories then I went to the teachers lounge to talk to some of the people there. The principal asked me how I liked teaching there and I told the truth, that it would take me a really long time to get used to teaching in a school with so much stuff, the principal admitted that he didn't think it was enough and had been asking for more! We had a long conversation about that, where I told him how the Native ways could teach him a lot about not being greedy, and I think he understood my point, that all we really need to teach is a blackboard and a piece of chalk and those teacher editions of textbooks with the answers in the back. He seems so much nicer than the principal in Mississauga, I just know I am going to be very happy here, maybe I will tell you more about that conversation tomorrow if you need more blog material.

Wow, Liz, it's gr8 that yr new principal seemz nice an' all, but U mite wanna dial back on how U learned all kindsa superior ways up in Mtig, and mayB have the attitude that U've got stuff U can learn fr. them, 2. I heard principals like that kinda thing fr. teachers.

NEway, school starts 4 me 2day, an' I'm kinda bummed that summer's over, but in a way I'm also looking 4ward 2 it, cuz I was getting a bit bored. I hope I like my teacherz an' classes an' all, but I have a feeling I won't really B tellin' U much abt that this week. I'll prolly focus on Liz adjusting 2 her new school. That's more interesting, eh? Thanx 4 the upd8, Liz.

Apes

Lizzie's Back!

Aw, man, my feet R sore from all the stomping Ger did on them during the Viking-ballroom dancing he insisted on doing w/me @ Vicki's party last nite. I tried 2 convince him that his kinda dancing didn't go w/the music, but he went all alpha male on me an' wdn't listen. Howard, thanx 4 giving him thoze lessons after Gordie "accidentally" broke up our dancing w/his sk8bd. It was fun 2 actually dance 2 Burnt Butt Casserole's actual music 4 the resta the nite! Howard, did U and Becks manage 2 get Nolan home OK? And did Becky's shoes clean up OK?

NEway, Liz is back. Dad helped her move alla her stuff back in (ALL of it!), and then she was, like, holed up in the guest room w/Shiimsa. She told me that she sat on the bed thinking, "I used 2 have my own place--and now I'm back in my parents' house again. How strange." Then mom yelled, "Soup's on, girls! Come an' get it!!" (OMG MOM sed AN'?!?!?!?!) And as Liz walked down the stairs, she sed she bugged her eyez out a bit and thot, "It's as though I never left."

Liz has me a lil confused. She chose 2 move back here, but now she'z feeling all mopey abt it, kinda acting like she had no choice. If she feels this way, she oughta start looking 4 a new apt!

Edit: I almost 4got 2 mention, we're having a family cookout this afternoon, 4 Labour Day. Mike an' Dee R gonna B by around noon w/the kiddlez, and Mike is gonna stand side by side w/Dad as they try an' fig out howta cook on the grill, LOL!

Apes

Gah, I Made a LAME Pun!

I h8 myself rite now. Not only did I make a lame pun yesterday, but it involved me referring 2 Dad as my "pop". Extra lame, with lame sauce on the side. :(

Y'see, the band was @ my house 2 practice. Dad sed we shd do our rehearsal in the garage so we cd say we're a "garage band". whatevs. So we were banding away, playing our instruments. I don't know if it was the loudness of our playing, or the weird orange energy field that surrounded us while we played, or mayB even the distrubing grimaces we had on our faces, but sumthing really terrified Edgar during our practice session. @ least @ first, I mean, it seemed like he was runnin' 4 his life, but then insteada running away, he decided 2 hang out w/us. wagging his tail and drooping his earz down low. I played my guitar really hard and Eva tambourined like crazee and we sang w/out actually singing NE words, which was sorta odd, I guess. Our instruments were sounding like "BOOMPA BOOMPA TWANGG WHAPPA FOOMP BWANG"! My dad came in2 the garage carrying his coffee mug and sat down on the steps 2 listen 2 us. When we took a break, Dunc asked Dad, "Whaddya think of our sound, Dr. P.?" And Dad was, like, "It's all good, Duncan! U kidz R rite in2 the 'pop culture'!" We all stood there lookin' gobsmacked while Dad went in2 the house, and then I sed, "OK, guyz--we've gotta make sum changez." And then it happed. I punned. Like a typical st00pid Patterson, I punned. I sed, "We can't do NEthing that soundz like 'culture' 2 my pop!!!" C Y I h8 myself rite now? And every1 in the band LAFFED! Dunc even laffed WITH HIS TUNG STICKING OUT! We don't know what came over us.

But U know what? I don't think Dad's "it's all good" reaction actually had NEthing 2 do w/us. I think he totally went 2 his office, gave himself sum nitrous oxide, and chilled out 4 a while listening 2 Bobby Curtola in his headphonez. Whenev he does that, it totally mellowz him out and he has no worriez.

Still, h8 myself 4 the pun. I'm going 2 log off now & wallow in my shame.

Apes

Dyn-o-Dad

As I was getting sum Choklit Oaties cookies from the cupboard, Dad was all, "U're not 2 sure abt having yr sister move back in w/us, R U, April." This was a st8ment instead of a question, as is trendy in my fam of l8. And I was all, "I dunno, 'Pop'. It's just that she's so much older. Every1's gonna start treating me like a KID again!" As Dad helped himself 2 a cookie, I went on, "She'z gonna boss me around, an' hassle me abt stuff --An' I'm gonna bug here. It's gonna B WEIRD." I ate my cookie, then pointed a spindly little hand @ my sternum while saying, "I luv Elizabeth! Really!! But having her here--like... All the time is gonna change our family dynamics!" Dad munched on his cookie and sed, "I C." Then I went in2 silhouette 4 sum reason as I 8 another cookie, and I cd C Dad having a thot bubble while he munched on his cookie: "It's amazing how the words 'dynamics' and 'dynamite' R so similar." Er, no it isn't "amazing" Dad. It's like the total opp of amazing, but I'm glad U @ least held back fr. making this l8est st00pid pun out loud.

I still don't know Y we all, like, secretly agreed 2 refer 2 Liz as "Elizabeth" all the time. That soundz so friggin' stuffy. "Liz" soundz so much friendlier. Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz. Enuf w/the "Elizabeth" nonsense!!!

Apes

Force Field Lifts and Eva Tries to Cheer Me Up

So, Mom and Liz made their arrangements 2 have Liz move back in, and I was feeling pretty bummed. I was all, "Mom, I wish I cd get outta the house and @ least spend sum time w/Eva talking abt this Liz sitch!" Mom looked @ me, and I guess I looked xxtra miserable. She made a fone call and then sed 2 me, "OK, go! The field is lifted 4 U, but just 4 a few hrs, so hurry!"

I left the house fast and called Eva. She was rite over. We started 2 take a walk, and when I told her what was bothering me, she was all, "Having yr sister move back home won't B so bad, April." And I was like, "Really? Well, U don't know Elizabeth. She'll B on my case all the time abt my room, my stuff, my life... An' it's not like I don't already have a mother!" Then Eva got all practical, like "Well, it's gonna happen, so U'd better start thinking positive. ...What wd B the coolest thing abt having Elizabeth around?" And I thot a bit B4 saying, "She does have a wicked MP3 collection." And Eva was all, "U C? Rite there is a plus!"

Thanx 4 trying 2 cheer me up Eva. This helped a lot more than a speech abt cowgirlz defending their territory wda. U R a cube friend, even tho when I first saw U this last time, I thot 4 a sec that U were my cousin Laura.

Apes