2 Good?

So, more abt Gym Jam. We were singing, "The crypt is opening wider and a ghoul is coming out, he's carrying an instrument, he's waving it abt..." As we sung that bit I did a scared look on my face an' turned my face 2 watch as Unk Phil in the ghost costume came outta the coffin w/the hose-a-phonium. Then we sang,"What's that souuundd... It's all arounddd... it's the ultrasonic hose-a-phonic thingggggggg" and Unk Phil played "BAWAAAAAAHH". Then we were all, "Hear it swinngggg" and he played "BWEEEAPPAFRAZZZAWAPPAZZZAPAPKATAWAKATA WAAAAHZZZ". The kidz in the audience were laffin' like they'd never heard NEthing funnier in their entire lives.

Later, I heard that while Becky was w8ing backstage 4 her entrance, she was kinda scowly, an' one of her band guyz was all, "What's wrong, Rebecca(h)?" And Becks was all "They're too good."

Liz, I guess U R gonna do what U want w/yr "Tapril Tatterson" book. I'll stay in touch w/my lawyer.

Apes

If U can't B good U mite as well B fun

So, the Gym Jam has come an' gone, and I'm gonna take a while tellin' U abt what happed, cuz that's how Pattersons tell storiez. Sorry abt that, I know it can B v. annoying @ times.

B4 the Jam started, all the performers were, like, w8ing in the backstage area. Sum1 was all, "Rebecca(h), can we have yr autograph? And Sum1 else was all, "Will U B doing stuff fr. yr last CD?" From the stage, we heard, "For Evah and Eva! --U're on in 3... 2... 1..." Shannon, wearing a "Staff" t-shirt, came up all, "Hey... April... Break a leg... eh?" as we were filing in @ stage left, and I was like, "Thanks, Shannon!" Eva, w/her hair all poofed out, was giving me a "hurry up" kinda look.

So we took our places on stage, and we all had these fringey outfits on, tho Eva an' I had bare-midriff versions. All of us had the shreddly fringes on both our tops and pants. Oh, and I had my hair DOWN! And it didn't rebun itself! So psyched abt that.

Luis was all, "This is it, guyz!" Ger was like, "Where'z our secret weapon?" Then our friendly ghost, who was hidden in the coffin @ upstage, opened the coffin door, all "The hose-o-phonium is here!" As the curtains were parting, I leaned over 2 Eva and sed, "We may not B famous--but we're gonna B FUN!" Cuz, y'know, taking the time and effort 2 get GOOD is such a strain, an' Pattersons believe that music is for FUN! So prepare 2 hear how we went all novelty act @ the Jam.

Apes

Mom an' Dad Went 2 a Costume Party

Remember, I warned U that their costumes were disturbing.

So they went 2 a Halloween costume party and--okay, if U disturb easily
an' get nitemares often, U mite wanna stop rite here. Yeah, so U've
been warned again.

Mom and Dad both cross-dressed. Mom put her hair in2 a v. tite bun so she cd put a "balding guy" wig/rubber cap on. She also put on a Hawaiian shirt, a lei, blue walking shorts, and white
knee-hi sox. She carried a camera. Dad wore a long black wig, grass skirt, a lei, a matching (the lei) garland on his head, and a bra top made outta 2 halves of a coconut shell. C, they were supposta B, like, obnoxious tourists in Hawaii. I guess they've been obnoxious tourists in Mexico so many times, pretending wdna been NE fun. Hm, I wonder if this meanz that when I have my March vacation next yr, they'll ditch me 4 Hawaii this time. How not-surprised wd I B?

They took a cab 2 go 2 the party an' back, cuz they wanted 2 get really, really drunk safely. Gah, my parents drunk. ::shudder:: They cracked themselves up so hard that they actually spent the whole cab ride 2 the party laffin' w/their tungz hangin' out. They danced, 8, drank, an' laffed thru the whole party, but when they got home, Dad realized he was in pain. Cuz when U cut a coconut in 1/2, it gets these really sharp, fibery edgez. An' Dad had these two circlez around each guy-boob, made outta cuts an' scrapes. As Mom applied salve, she sed, "I told U not 2 wear real coconuts." Cuz even tho Dad was hurting so bad he had pain starz coming
outta his body, his eyez all wide an' dark-rimmed, an' his lower teeth jutting out, Mom cd not resist the urge 2 B all "I told U so". Nice, eh?

Well, the band's gonna B here soon cuz we still have practicing an' planning 2 do B4 Gym / Jam.

Apes

Secret Weapon

Yesterday after school, Liz an' I were on the staircase, in identical poses as we listened 2 Unk Phil practicing his trumpet, all "TATTICA-TATTICA-TATTICA TAAAAAA".  Liz was like, 'I like listening 2 Uncle Phil practice.  And I was all, "Me 2."  I was also a bit psyched cuz even tho Liz had her hair up in a bun, mine was down, an' it's gotten pretty long, like almost 2 the middle of my back.  I cdn't believe it hadn't rebunned, even tho I wasn't getting ready 2 go 2 bed or shower.

NEway, when U. Phil was cleaning his mouthpiece, I went up w/1 of my typical Apes-style questions, all "Uncle Phil, Y is a trumpet shaped like this?"  He sed, "It's just a long piece of tubing, April.  Bending it just makes it easier 2 handle!  In fact, w/a mouthpiece and a bell, U can play NE piece of tubing."  I was like, "No way!"  So of course he wanted 2 demo by getting a hose, sticking a bell on one end an' his mouthpiece on the other:  "B-hold, the flexible, valveless hose-a-phonium."  Even tho I cdn't C myself, I cd feel myself getting this freekee look on my face, all speedfreak eyez an' muppet mouth, prolly w/sum motion lines off the left side of my head.  Then while Unk Phil was playing the "hose-a-phonium", all "BWEAAAPPATATAPATA TWAARRRBORPPPP", I called Ger, saying "Gerald!  Call the guyz in the band!  --We've got a secret weapon!!"

I'll prolly tell U more abt this, but I don't think that'll B till Monday.  I feel one of those typical diff-topic Sundays coming on.

Apes

Secret Weapon

Yesterday after school, Liz an' I were on the staircase, in identical poses as we listened 2 Unk Phil practicing his trumpet, all "TATTICA-TATTICA-TATTICA TAAAAAA". Liz was like, 'I like listening 2 Uncle Phil practice. And I was all, "Me 2." I was also a bit psyched cuz even tho Liz had her hair up in a bun, mine was down, an' it's gotten pretty long, like almost 2 the middle of my back. I cdn't believe it hadn't rebunned, even tho I wasn't getting ready 2 go 2 bed or shower.

NEway, when U. Phil was cleaning his mouthpiece, I went up w/1 of my typical Apes-style questions, all "Uncle Phil, Y is a trumpet shaped like this?" He sed, "It's just a long piece of tubing, April. Bending it just makes it easier 2 handle! In fact, w/a mouthpiece and a bell, U can play NE piece of tubing." I was like, "No way!" So of course he wanted 2 demo by getting a hose, sticking a bell on one end an' his mouthpiece on the other: "B-hold, the flexible, valveless hose-a-phonium." Even tho I cdn't C myself, I cd feel myself getting this freekee look on my face, all speedfreak eyez an' muppet mouth, prolly w/sum motion lines off the left side of my head. Then while Unk Phil was playing the "hose-a-phonium", all "BWEAAAPPATATAPATA TWAARRRBORPPPP", I called Ger, saying "Gerald! Call the guyz in the band! --We've got a secret weapon!!"

I'll prolly tell U more abt this, but I don't think that'll B till Monday. I feel one of those typical diff-topic Sundays coming on.

Apes

Becky makes her hair big an' Ger and I pout

Well, we really shda consulted w/Unk Phil, but we didn't. That was lame. I am writing this fr. Ger'z fone @ school, we just saw Becky in the hall. She poufed her hair up real big 2day, an' she came up 2 me and Ger, like, "The Hallowe'en party's comin' up, guyz. This'll B the 1st time my band will B playing 4 the school-- an' I am totally pumped! Yr band will B on B4 us, which is pretty cool, actually. A lot of unknown bands wd give NEthing 2 open 4 us." During that last bit, Becks closed her eyez an' gestured @ herself by putting her fingertipz on her sternum, and I got this glarey, eyes-half-closed look. Ger looked @ me like he was worried. Then Becky walked off, with her kilt swooshing like she had her own wind machine in the hallway. I was all, "Becky really ticks me off, Gerald. It's like she's doing the whole school sum gigantic favour by appearing on stage here." [Well, she kinda is, but I was 2 grumpy 2 say so.] And Ger was all, "Well, she is a big name now, April." I got all snitty with, "I cd think of a name 4 her." And Ger matched my snit w/"Me 2...But it wd B impolite in mixed company." Watch out Dunc, Luis, I think when there R no girls around, Ger's gonna tell U the name he was thinking of.

NEway, as U mite have guessed, we're freaking over the Gym / Jam--that's Y we're being like this abt Becky. We know she'z totally gonna rock it @ the Jam, and we know our song like totally sux. I don't know Y we didn't get Unk Phil's input, but we didn't, so we'll prolly just keep rite on sucking.

Well, more l8rz.

Apes

We didn't wanna hassle ea other

So, yesterday I started 2 tell U abt a band practice we had recently. We were having a crisis, kinda, where we pretty well thot we sukked, and we were sitting around moping while Eva was all, "We sound like crud, April." Dunc was, like, "MayB yr Uncle Phil cd help!" And I was all, "Nah....I don't want 2 hassle him." Well, it turnz out that while we were playing, Phil had told Mom, "The kidz sound pretty good, Elly. Do they alwayz practice here?" And Mom was, like, "Just during the winter... In summer they're mostly in Gerald's garage." Then Mom was all, "I'm surprised they haven't asked 4 yr input. After all, U're a professional musician." And U. Phil was like, "I'd offer... But I don't want 2 hassle them." C, we both didn't wanna "hassle" ea other. Then Phil was all, "B-sides, I'm an 'old guy' now. They get their motivation from pop bands and the kidz they C on TV."

Will the yunger an' older musicians in this fam let go of our fear of "hassle" an' bond over our luvv of music? Tune in and mayB find out, if I don't totally and suddenly switch topix.

Liz, I can undersand yr not liking ppl talking abt yr boobs. I don't like ppl talking abt mine, either, tho usually when they talk abt them, it's more like, "April, Y don't U have NE boobs!?" :(

Apes

Band Practice

Well, as U mite B able 2 tell fr. a couple of the comments last nite, sumthing happed @ our l8est band practice. We were doing a song that Ger wrote special 4 the Halloween Gym/Jam (Becks, Ger totally luvs the song, even tho the rest of the band had, um, suggestions an' stuff abt changing it or doing sumthing else). NEway, every1 but Ger harmonizes 2gether on this one, and we were all singing this part: "1, 2, 3, 4! There'z an evil creepin' up an' it's abt 2 drive U wild!--There R creatures in the shadows, an' they're gonna getcha, child!" Then Luis an I had a duet on this part: "There R witches brewin' poison an' there R phantoms in their stew, an' the graveyards R a rockin'--B-cuz ol' Death is stalkin' U...." Then Ger interrupted, all "WAIT A MINUTE!!!" We gotta put more emphasis on the EVIL part, OK? This is a Halloween show we're doing--not a birthday party!" Just then, Eva went up 2 him, and in2 her mic she was all, "So, who died an' made U king?!!" Ger held a drumstick in the air, all, "GOOD!!! Keep that attitude!" We were all a bit stunned that Ger was taking this so well, cuz usually he flips if he feels sum1 is, like, challenging him, cuz he totally seez himself as the band's leader. But I guess when he thot abt it a bit, he got pissed, cuz he ended up posting this last nite:

Yo April flower,

Whatup, you recall Eva, the new vocalist for our band? We gotsta lose that crazy bitch, with all due speed. G-Dog won't stand for no bitches getting all up in his face, aiyt? G-Dog's word must always be law, or G-Dog gots t' pop a cap in the ass of any interfering interloper who tries to undermine his authority. Fo shizzle! So, will you break it to her, or do you want me to perform the task? 'Cause if I do it, I might also break that ho's teeth, for reals!

Devotedly, G-Dog

P.S.--Yo, sweet meat, you know of any commercially available cleaning product that could help me erase "and Eva" from my drum? Peace out!

Ger, we R not ditching Eva fr. the band! 1st of all, there'z no way we'd get a new vocalist fast enuf 4 the Gym/Jam, let alone sum1 as good as Eva. Secondly, U DO get a bit bossy w/us! We're supposta B, like, a democracy, not a dictatorship let by Herr Ger! Becks, sorry 2 hear Ger went on a mini-rampage over 2 yr house last nite.

BTW, @ 5 PM EDT, Blogger is planning an outage. :(

P.S. 2 Liz: I overheard U an' Mom talking when U were asking her all thoze questions yesterday, an' she totally did not say "Whatever you do, don't breastfeed." She sed, "Whatever you do, don't breastfeed once the teeth start coming in." That was what she forced got Dee 2 do with her kidz. Don't forget that one of Mom's favourite things 2 tell ppl is, "To say that I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate would be an underst8ment. But once it has teeth, I'm done." FYI, most babies start getting teeth when they are @ or around 6 months old. That what happed w/Merrie an' Robin, an' Mom sez that's also what happed w/me, U, an' Mike when we were babiez.

Opportunity and Real Estate

As Mom and Uncle Phil were leaving Gramps an' Iris's place, Unk Phil was all, "Iris is such a sweetheart, Elly." Mom was waving @ Iris an' answering Phil, all, "I know. We're so lucky, Phil. We R so lucky!" I wish I could tell U that Phil was, like, "U're so reduntant, Elly. U R so redundant." But he didn't say that. I guess they didn't say NEthing else until they had gotten 2 U. Phil's car, and then Mom was all, "It's nice 2 have U back in Ontario!" And he was, like,"Yes, it's been a while. --I just wish it wasn't 4 such a serious reason." Mom was all, "Well, Dad's still w/us-- So it cd have been worse!" Then they didn't say NEthing until they'd gotten in2 the car, an' belted in, and U. Phil had started driving. Mom went, "R U and Georgia still happy in Montreal?" Kind of a weird question, don't U think? And he was all, "Sure!--But we miss it here. We never did get 2 enjoy the little house we bought." Mom put her hand on his shoulder, all "Well, U got a once-in-a-lifetime offer!" Phil answered, even tho just his eyez' reflection were staring outta the rearview mirror, all speadfreaky an' scaree: "Opportunity came knocking @ our door alright!" Then he hovered the car, slightly higher on Mom's side, and continued, "And when opportunity knocks... It often comes w/a real estate agent!" Really? Was that supposta B funny? Mom sez it hardly matters, cuz all the buildings in front of them seemed oddly flattened out, like cutouts, xxcept 4 one, that looked like a poorly drawn box.

So, Mike an' Liz got all lovey abt Mike's "Sheilauggggggggghhhhhhhhh" manuscript in the comments last nite. Liz was even trying 2 "B" Sheilblecch just like Mike always sez he is, by, LOL, using Shiimsa 2 re-enact the birth scene. Memo 2 Liz, if U ever have a real baby, that baby won't have sharp little cat teeth, it will have no teeth @ all, so U won't injure yrself when U nurse it, U goof!

Apes

More on Gramps Arriving Home

Well, we're back 2 the nite when Mom, Iris, an' Uncle Phil brot Gramps home. After they'd gotten Gramps in2 his P.J.'s and in2 his bed, where he, like, fell asleep rite away, Mom sez that Iris was all, "I'm so glad they let me bring him home. Jim h8's being in the hospital." Unk Phil was, like, "R U sure U'll B able 2 manage, Iris." And Iris was, like, "Oh, yes. The ladiez who R coming 2 help R wonderful. It's important that U took this time fr. work, Phil. The best thing is 4 him 2 have his family close by. From now on, every minute we spend w/him will B precious." Only fr. now on? I thot my time w/Gramps was precious B4 his stroke, 2. NEway, Mom sez that when Iris sed that last bit, Mom looked over @ Gramps, who was snoring all, "SNOZZ ZZZZ", and thot, "...Even if he doesn't know we're here."

Gah, depressed! I'm depressed. I need 2 talk abt other stuff. Band practice, Gym/Jam, Gerald's "fo' shizzle" talk, Duncan's sweat suit, Becky's freckles, NEthing!

Apes

And now for something completely--the same!

Usually on Sundayz, I find myself writing abt sumthing that has nuthin' 2 do with what I've been telling U abt the whole wk. Like, even if I wanted 2 continue talking abt whatev I'd been on abt on Mon thru Sat, I cdn't. But 2day, 4 sum reazon, it's like the forces that guide what I write abt want me 2 pick up where I left off yesterday!

So this is what I heard fr. Iris abt Gramps. In the morning, after his 1st nite home, Iris was all, "They showed me how 2 lift U, Jim. Now, roll 2 the side." She got him in2 his wheelchair and I guess while she wheeled him, he was kinda working his feet, so she was all, "Good! Keep using yr feet. It's good exercise." Then she wheeled him in2 the kitchen and sed, "I hope U're hungry, Jim." She pulled him up 2 the table an' brought him a bowl: "I've made Cream of Wheat. U like Cream of Wheat." When he struggled w/the spoon (and it's no wonder since his hand had b-come all clawlike), Iris was all, "Can U hold the spoon 2day or wd U like me 2 help U?" Then, "Here--Let's do this 2gether." He was resisting that, and she sed, "Yes, I know U'd rather do thing yrself, but U can't! ....U have me!" That kinda makes it sound like he can't do stuff himself only b-cuz of her, like she just won't let him!" As she wheeled him over 2 his EZ chair, she was all, "A stroke isn't going 2 get in our way, Jim. Whatever U want 2 do can B dun." That soundz good, but I hope she'z not giving him false hope. NEway, Iris sed she had this really, really strong feeling, rite after she'd gotten him in2 his EZ chair, that he was thinking, "I want 2 hug U, Iris. I just want 2 hug U." And he did. Awwww.

Well, that's all 4 now. I have no idea whether I'm switching topix 2morrow.

Apes

Gramps went home an' stuff

So, something that happed last nite was that Mom, Iris an' Uncle Phil took Gramps home 2 his apt. I didn't find out until l8r. Mom sez that as they were wheeling him down the corridor, Phil was all, "EZ, Dad. We're going 2 take U downstairz." Which is kinda weird. Y "EZ Dad"? Was he buckin' like a stallion? And Iris was like, "We're going home, Jim!" Then outside, as Phil was wheeling Gramps up 2 the Handi Van and Mom was walking just behind, Iris was, like, "Michael and John have fixed up our bathroom 4 U, and we bought U a special chair that will go thru the doorwayz." Well, Mike, I guess U an' Dad don't hafta do that stuff again, eh? As Gramps was being situated in the van, Iris was saying, "A nurse will come twice a day, and we're going 2 help U get well again." Much l8r she shared w/Mom that rite after saying that, she thot "Get well again. Get well again. Pls, get well again!"

I'm so depressed. :(

If U read Jeremy's comment last nite, U know we had a crayzee adventure and never made it 2 that cowboy concert. Man, it was so hard 2 go back 2 my reg self after being hott 4 a while there, tho having that much "Patterson allure" had its scaree side 2. I can C how it must freak out Liz @ times. But I kinda wish I had a supply of thoze 'rots!!!

Apes

Taking Gramps Home

When Iris decided that she wanted 2 take Gramps home, she told the doc, who was all, "He's going 2 need a lot of care, Mrs. Richards." Iris sez she was a bit put off by all the str8-edged items in the doc's office: large manilla envelopes, tables, the desk, the laptop--everything looked as tho it had been drawn w/a ruler. And the envelopes just looked 2 neat. NEway, she told the doc, "I can manage! I can learn what 2 do! I can get him in and out of a wheelchair! I can bathe and cook 4 him!" The doc was all,"Being a full-time caregiver is xxhausting. It's a big responsibility, Iris." Iris sez she did that hand-2-sternum gesture she's learned fr. joining our fam, and she sed, "I'm up 2 the task! Let me take him home." The doc was like, "We'll set U up w/the assistance program, then... and C that U get all the help that U need." Iris sez they were both in silhouette during that last bit. "I don't like when that happens, dear", Iris told me. Then she went in2 Grandpa Jim's hospital room, went up 2 him, and sed, "Jim! Jim! I have good news!" Next, she was all, "April, I don't know how I know this, but I had the distinct impression--no, it was more than that, I just knew--that he was thinking, '...I don't have 2 eat my carrots?' And I felt a little sad that he'd think that instead of 'U're taking me home!' I actually went 2 the washroom and cried a little bit. But then I pulled myself 2gether quickly. A caretaker has 2 hold herself 2gether."

Shannon, I'm such a goof! The "surprise book" part of that message I posted yesterday was meant 2 B addressed 2 Howard, I just 4got 2 write in "Howard". Sorry 4 the confusion. I 4got that U also bought a book, tho I don't remember U saying it was a surprise 2 NE1, but it was nice of U 2 play along like that!!!

Apes

2day's story depresses me.....

Hey, peeps, the l8est thing I've heard abt Gramps in hospital is this. W/Unk Phil looking on, Iris was spoon-feeding Gramps, all "Here, Jim. Have a bit more pudding. Open up now." Then a doc came in saying, "Mrs. Richards, I'd like a word w/U, pls." She handed the pudding 2 U.P. and sed "Surely!" The doc took her in2 the hallway, saying "Jim appears 2 B doing well, but he will have a long recovery. He'll need physiotherapy 2 help regain the use of his legz. His left one is esp. weak. We don't know how much of his brain has been permanently damaged. Rite now... He seems to have the mind of a child." Iris was all, "Then... @ least he's happy!" Aw, man, that totally depresses me. But Mike, C what I mean? Sum of that stuff the doc sed, it already showed up in the letterz, but it was def. like this was being sed 4 the 1st time.

Becks, I luv yr song, U totally channelled Axl Rose, an' now I've got "Welcome 2 the Courtroom" stuck in my head!!!! "U're in the courtroom, baby! U're gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!" It's brill!

Apes

Liz as Elly, only younger. . . . .

Liz decided 2 post sumthing abt Gramps last nite:

April,

Wait a minute, is the question you have been trying to ask me if I have gone to see Grandpa since his stroke, because if it is, I have, I went with Mom to the hospital one time because I had an appointment to see a new doctor there to get a prescription for pink eye which I have caught three times since I got my new job at Glenallen, these kids from the Big Smoke are so disease-ridden compared to the Native kids, I am glad that I did not spread pink eye up there and make the Native kids all die because they are not resistant to pink eye, like with smallpox and whatnot, anyway that's what I was there for, not for any birth control or anything if that's what you're thinking, I don't need that.

But anyway I stuck my head in his room on the way to my appointment while Mom was in the hallway trying to shove Iris out of the room, insisting she needed to take a break or go home or something, well I just poked in and said, "Hi Grandpa, gosh you look terrible!" and Grandpa said something I couldn't understand, it was all garbled, and I said, "You need to speak up and enunciate, Grandpa," like I tell my students, and he kind of moaned louder, so I went closer and said, "Come on, Mumble Mouth, nobody can understand you when you are so lazy about your diction!" and he went, "Aaaaauuuuugggh," and I went closer and said, "Grandpa, come on now, the cat can't have your tongue, I left Shiimsa at home!" and I leaned in real close so he could see my sticky-outty tongue laugh because he didn't have his glasses on, and when I did that, he went like this:

Eh-lee...Eh-lee...yuuuuhhh...uhhhh...ugggg...gug...gug...

And he was pointing at his throat, which was weird, it was like he was trying to make sign language but I told him I don't really know any sign language, and then Iris tried to shove past Mom and she stuck her head in the room just long enough to say, "He wants a drink of water from his sippy cup!" and then Mom got her shoved out of the room again, good old Mom, she always knows how to make someone take a break even when they aren't good at taking care of themselves. Well I gave Grandpa his mug and said, "Bye Gramps!" and skipped off to my appointment, I was happy because Grandpa gave me the best compliment in the world, he said I look like a young Mom, isn't that fantastic, I'm so excited, that's my dream come true, I was so happy when I went to my appointment that I didn't even care when they did that special lady parts exam for my pink eye prescription.

Then after my deposition I had a stupid conversation with Mom, it was really annoying, okay so I went straight home and put on a pink shirt and started to grade papers and when Mom came in she wanted to talk about the deposition, it was so insensitive, sheesh you know how she taught me to push my feelings deep down and not share with anyone but her, but when she wants me to share with her it makes it hard to keep them smashed deep down like in a ball of pain and anger in my stomach you know? So I lied and said "OK" and changed the subject to Uncle Phil who you so kindly informed me was in town, well of course that got Mom blabbing about how he is at a hotel and then some stuff about Grandpa that I didn't even ask about. Blah blah got up, blah blah in the shower, like I want to think about my Grandpa in the shower, blah blah knows it's her, can't talk, hard to move, blah blah blah, like she couldn't see I was trying to grade papers in my special paper-grading pink shirt and everything, so totally rude, it's like she thinks her day is so important compared to mine, I mean she thinks one person with a stroke is bad, I have eight students out with pink eye and it's not like Native school where they let the student catch up at his or her own pace, no, I have to make sure they get caught up within a week or they will be behind on all those stupid tests we have to give.

Well then Mom said that Grandpa doesn't recognize Uncle Phil, and she was pretending to feel bad about it, but you could see she was a little bit pleased like this proved she was the best and most favoritest child, so I decided to be really mean, so I decided to tell her about how Grandpa told me how I look like a young Elly, but in the meanest way possible without being obvious, I made that face, you know the one, where I look like a doll, and blinked, and said, "I know, when he saw me, he thought I was you...but younger!", then I batted my eyelashes a lot to look innocent while Mom started to fume, but it was weird, she didn't, I was so surprised, she just looked sad and said that the worst thing about a stroke is the waiting because it takes time for the brain to heal, and for a person's abilities to return, and then she looked thoughtful but I was confused, and I said, "Can that happen, I thought he was just going to die," and then Mom looked super-depressed and went away, which was what I was hoping for, because then I could get back to my grading and doing make-up lessons for the pink eye kids.

Liz

Liz, that is v. strange abt U getting a pelvic exam if U R in 4 pinkeye! I've had pinkeye B4, an' the doc definitely examined my eyez, not my girl bits. Hm, and U haven't looked like U have pinkeye!

Oh, BTW, Mom told me that rite after she told U that stuff abt the time it takes for the brain 2 heal an' abilities 2 return after a stroke, she was thinking, "If they return." Then she looked @ me quizzically and she sed, "I don't know Y it's so hard 2 get Liz 2 tell me abt yr feelingz. I hope I never have 2 work so hard 2 talk 2 U!" I kinda shrugged and asked her sum questions abt Uncle Phil so we cd talk abt sumthing else.

NEway, that's all 4 now.

Apes

Mom an' Uncle Phil Have a Convo Establishing Stuff Already Established in the Family Letters

Do U follow my fam'z monthly letterz? If U do, 2day's blog entry's just gonna feel like a rerun. Sorry abt that, peeps. The way we tell our storiez just gets kinda weirder and weirder sumtymez.

So, leaving the hospital, U'd think Uncle Phil had only just gotten there, insteada having been here, like, a coupla weeks. I think it's just cuz Mom meant 2 have this convo when he 1st arrived, but she 4got, and she decided 2 slip it in now like it's normal 2 bring it up all this time l8r. Mom was all, "U don't have 2 stay @ a hotel, U know. We have room @ the house." He was like, "Thanks, Sis... But the hotel is closer 2 the hospital." Also, they have room service [no Mom food] and privacy [no Mom] but I think he was being polite, eh? Mom, not wanting 2 drop it, was like, "U have 2 practice yr trumpet every day. How R U going 2 practice in a hotel?" Unk Phil was like, "I'll use the mouthpiece. ...It hardly makes NE noise @ all!" The last time I spoke w/him, he told me abt sitting in his hotel rm, playing his mouthpiece, all "BWEEEE AAAAPP BWEEP, BWEEEP BWAAAAHHHPPPPP BRAPPZZ BRAATICATAT ITCA TATICA TA AAAHHH..." Then, he thot he heard a smacking sound from a neighbouring hotel rm, a man's voice going "UH?!!" and a woman's voice yelling, "That's it, Lou! U're gonna have that nose surgery 4 sure!" Uncle Phil thot abt knocking on their door 2 clear up the confusion, but then he thot that if this guy's ongoing nose problems allowed his wife 2 believe the mouthpiece sound came from that nose, then prolly the nose surgery was a good idea, so no harm.

NEway, sorry again 4 the "rerun" feel of this post. I hope we won't have more, like me thinking I'm seeing U.P. 4 the first time and stuff like that.

Apes

Uncle Phil

If U read the monthly letterz fr. my fam, U mite remember that Uncle Phil's been in Mboro b/c of Grandpa Jim's stroke. It loox as tho this wk is gonna B an Uncle Phil/Mom kinda wk in my blog entriez. NEway, Mom told me abt sumthing that happed @ the hospital recently when she an' Uncle Phil went 2 pay Gramps a visit. While Gramps an' Iris were silhouetted in the background, Phil told Mom, "He doesn't know me, Sis. Dad doesn't know me!" Mom was all, "Give him time, Phil." Then she led him out in2 the corridor, all "Let's go have a coffee." So while they were having coffee, there were sum ppl in the bkgd all silhouetted, xxcept in greyscale insteada solid black like Gramps and Iris had been. But NEway, Unk Phil was like, "It seems as tho the only time we get 2gether now is when there's a wedding or a funeral or..." And Mom cut him off with "We all have busy lives. In NE case--U're here." Uncle Phil was all, "But...he doesn't know that!!" And Mom placed her hands on Unk Phil's left arm and hand, all, "We do."

I know Mom was trying 2 make Uncle Phil feel better and all, but I started thinking. We don't C him an' Aunt Georgia often--like make that almost never. But when we do, it's always them coming here. Y don't we ever go visit them in Montreal? And B4 Mike and Liz start posting w/their "Gah, U're so stupid, April" comments, yes, I know all abt my 'rents' anti-French prejudices. Still, that's a really lame reason not 2 visit relliez.

Apes

Memories of Junk Food

So, as Michael threatened promised, he posted a comment about his family outing to the Farmer's Market yesterday:

April,

Little sis. Sometimes my lovely Deanna gets the strangest ideas in her head, and then she feels the need to inflict them on the rest of the family. What can I do? She is my wife and she does control whether or not I get any. When she really insists on something, sometimes a good husband (like me) knows when to give in. The idea my Deanna had was to take the children to the farmer’s market to teach them about healthy eating and from whence our food comes. When Deanna told me this idea, I had this sudden feeling that Deanna had never actually been to a farm, like you and I have done on our summers to Auntie Bev’s farm in Winnipeg. I said to her, “Deanna, darling. Food does not come from farmers’ market stalls. It comes off plants at farms.” Deanna said, “Michael sometimes you say the funniest things. You crack me up!” This was not the response I had expected, but given Deanna’s mother’s overly protective nature when she was growing up, it seemed like a reasonable response. I said, “No seriously. The food at a farmers’ market comes from farms.” Deanna said, “Michael Patterson. We are going to the farmers’ market and that is that!! And I don’t want you saying anything to the children ridiculous like what you just said to me!!!”

So off to the farmers’ market we went. My daughter had on her new pink child identification collar, and Deanna had on her new psychedelic pants, with the colours that shimmer and change shape as she walks. I had on the standard Patterson men’s garb of V-necked sweater over a collared shirt, so popular with the men (and future men like Anthony Caine) in our family. My son had on a pair of overalls; Deanna wanted him to wear for some reason.

The children were initially afraid of the farmers’ market and eyed it suspiciously. There was a man selling lettuce, and I must admit he was a little too friendly for his own good, because he scared me a too. Next to him was an Egyptian woman selling zucchini. I know she was Egyptian because she had that little square chin the Egyptians had, like King Tut. Finally my daughter found a racial stereotype associated with a vegetable she liked and picked corn from the Latina corn lady. She said, “That lady looks she would be a lady who sells corn.” I said, “And what ethnicity is she?” My daughter said, “Indian. First Nations.” I said, “That’s a very good guess, but she is actually a Latina.” Deanna said, “Mike. We are not here to teach the children about ethnicities. We are here to teach the children where food comes from and about healthy food.” I ignored her and was about to ask my daughter if she knew the ethnicity of the Oriental lady selling honey at The Honey House, but my daughter was interested in other things.

She saw the broccoli and said, “Mom. Vegetables you can play ‘trees’ with. Those wooden ‘trees’ grandpa John gave me left over from his choo-choos broke. I could use these instead.” Deanna was busy picking the corn vegetable my daughter had already chosen, and did not realize what my daughter had said, but when my daughter picked up a broccoli spear and presented it to her by saying, “Look mommy. This end of this vegetable looks like one of my pigtails,” Deanna knew she had to buy it.

Have I mentioned what a good climber my son is these days? I wasn’t looking and he leapt onto my back and grabbed me around the neck. He had a death grip on me, so I grabbed his feet and tried to pull him off. I know most people would think a 2-year-old doesn’t have much arm strength, but that is not the case with my son. He was able to support his whole weight by holding onto my neck for a long time. Not only did my effort to get him off my back fail, but when he saw my daughter with the broccoli, he managed to hold on with just one hand, using the other hand to point to his favorite vegetable in the entire world, carrots; and say the word “Coins” while he was pointing. He is so advanced for his age. He continued climbing until he ended up on my shoulders, with his death grip around my chin. I was afraid he might snap my neck, so when he pointed at the cotton candy, I wanted to jump on the opportunity to get him to release me, but I had to wait for a time when Deanna was not around, since she would not approve of an unhealthy food purchase, even if it meant saving my neck. Fortunately that time came soon afterwards. Deanna broke wind and it was so powerful, not only did she break wind, but she created little whirlwind of gaseous waste materials. She had to excuse herself, and my chance came. I lured my son off my shoulders by telling him he could have any colour cotton candy he wanted.

In the meantime, my daughter learned a new game called, “Pop goes the pumpkin” which was mainly about her hiding in the pumpkins and then popping out sideways from the stack of pumpkins to surprise someone. The pumpkin sales person got tired of this game, and so Deanna ended up buying one of the pumpkins in compensation. When my daughter caught on to the idea that my son was going to get cotton candy, she wanted some too.

When Deanna came back from the little woman’s room, she was not happy to find me buying cotton candy. I told her that the reason I bought the cotton candy was because cotton candy is the part of the trip that they would remember. But as I looked at my son with the 2 tiny, delicate hands, ripping into the cotton candy unmercifully, I thought, “That could have been my head and neck.” My daughter had a much better idea of how to use the cotton candy. She fashioned it into a makeshift blonde beard and was trying to get it to stick to her neck. I predict a career in stage makeup design for her. Deanna was horrified at my suggestion of this career choice.

And that’s the story of our trip. You should come with us next time, but be careful to avoid my son when he is one of his jumping moods.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, if U really believed the cotton candy would be what Merrie an' Robin would remember, did U do it cuz U wanted 2 undo the day's lesson? That wd B kinda mean. But I agree, it's weird that Dee thinx taking the littlez 2 the farmer's market is the way 2 teach them abt where their food comes from. Instead of, say, taking them 2 a farm or orchard.

Apes

This would be a great time to mention PAUL!

Liz just told me the next bit of her story abt Anthony on their "deposition" day. U'll remember that he took her 2 C his house when they finished giving their st8ments. After they toured the basement, with its playhouse-jail 4 "Francie", Anthony led Liz up 2 the kitchen and started 2 cook sumthing. As he stood in the kitchen wearing a polka dotted oven mitt and no shoes, he told her, "I've b-come totally domesticated, Liz! I cook, I sew, I go 2 meetings @ the daycare centre..." I guess that last bit answers the question abt where Françoise was during all this. Then he took off his oven mitt, put his hand on top of his cooking pot (ow!), and sed, "And 4 fun, I belong 2 the local astronomy club. In fact, I'm the president!" Astronomy club, eh? What a coinky-dink. A coinky-dink possibly spelled Mom telling A. that stargazing makes Lizzie feel all romantic, but w/out telling him Y that mite B?

So NEway, Liz was all, "Really? My grandfather [who just had a stroke] gave me a good telescope. I used it 2 teach the kids up north abt the stars. We had such clear nites there." Liz sed she cd feel her lips blooming in2 the full lips of loveliness as she talked abt this, and she cd feel Anthony staring @ her thru the croner of his eye. Again. But she went on, all, "U cd C every crater on the moon ... and the milky way was like a river!--It was an astronomer's dream." Then she noticed Anthony giving her a crizzeepy look, and she had 2 ask, "Y R U looking @ me like that?!" And he was all, "Oh....Just dreaming." Oh, yuck.

So then, Liz and I had a lil convo that went kinda like this:

Me: So then U told him abt that nite last November when U met Paul, rite? During the stargazing party?

Liz: Well, um...

Me: When he showed up w/Mom's sunglasses, and U noticed that his parka matched yrs exactly? And how when he gave U the glasses, U sed, "Thank you, Paul. That was so thoughtful! Um...would U like NEthing? Coffee? Hot chocolate?" And then thought, "My phone #?"

Liz: Well, U C....

Me: Liz, this was the perfect segue into telling Anthony how much Paul meanz 2 U! Pls, pls, pls tell me U did!

Liz: April! Stop telling me what 2 do! I mite have mentioned Paul then, or I mite have gotten distracted and gone off on a different tangent. I'll tell U more when or if I'm in a telling kind of mood, and if that even happens, it won't B until late Sunday or early Monday. B-cuz U know Sunday is different-topic day 4 us!

Then she picked up her laptop and went back 2 the guest room.

BTW, Liz sez that all this Anthony stuff has her thinking back on hi-school stuff, like something that happed in January of 1996. Liz was having lunch in the caf, with Anthony, Dawn Enjo, and Shawna-Marie Verano. Liz rememberz being all, "I told U that Candace wd let U guyz do all the work, Dawn." She rememberz Dawn being all, "I know. But she sed we cd use her brother's computer, and..." And Anthony interrupted w/"An' U wanted 2 meet her brother!" Then Liz: "So? Come on!...Is he romance material?" Dawn was, like, "I dunno... We didn't have much of a conversation." Liz rememberz that Shawna Marie jumped in, all, "--He whapped her on the head w/his hockey shorts. An' called her 'flatso'." Liz remembers she an' Anthony had a big ol' laff over this, rite in Dawn's face. While Dawn closed her eyez, and sunk in2 her hand, like totally embarrassed, Liz thru back her head 2 laff w/her tung sticking out, and Anthony did a muppet-mouthed guffaw w/his eyebrowz raised all hi. Geez, Liz, what a hi-school Power!Couple U 2 musta been back then. ::rolleyez::

Apes

All about "Francie"

When Anthony was showing Liz his home renovations on the day they did thoze "depositions", part of the tour was his new deck out back. Liz was all beside herself, like, "Anthony! U did all this work by yrself?" And he sed, "Pretty much! [Weasel words!] I enjoy carpentry!" Gah, that's sure to give him more Patterson sealz of approval. As they went back in2 the house, Anthony was like, "Francie's in2 everything now, so I've kid-proofed the place." OK, w8 a flaming second. HE kid-proofed the place? I seem 2 remember I friggin' kid-proofed that baby-deathtrap! So I guess when Anthony sez he "pretty much" did all the work on his home renovations, that means he stood around drinking coffee an' gawking while the contractors did everything. And did U notice he's calling Françoise "Francie" now? I guess he considers "Françoise" too French now, eh? But where was I? Oh, rite, so they were going down the basement stairs as Anthony was being all, "--And, I built her a playhouse in the basement." And Liz was all agog over that: "U built a playhouse?" And he was all, "Yep!--It's even got a fence around it!" He sed this as Liz was leaning over the metal fence 2 admire the playhouse which I'm sure he "built" much like he supposedly kid-proofed the house. The little house was, like, in one corner of a 10 X 10 km chain-link fence. And she sed she was ready to climb in and start playing with all the toys that were confined in2 that space b/cuz it really "brought [her] back". Ooh, toddler prison! How wonderful 4 the development of an 18-month-old! Ugh, Liz, resist the gravitational pull of Granthony. She also noticed he had two mugs in his work area, one by his laptop and the other on the floor by the wastepaper basket. And a beer can on the opposite side of the lappie. "April, he likes to strew his beverages about, just like me!" Erm, yeah.

Liz was all, "April! Anthony is such a wonderful father and provider for little Francie!" And when I was, like, "So where was little 'Francie'?" She was all, "Huh, wha? Oh, I don't know. W8, I mite know, but I probably won't remember until l8 2night or early 2morrow morning. If @ all. All I can think is that Anthony is a wonderful father/provider who loves carpentry! Just like a Patterson man! Hm, I wonder if Paolo, er, Pablo, er, my current love is in2 carpentry. I'll have 2 ask him next time he calls me!"

Erg. Becks, thanx 4 sending me that pic of Anthony with the vibrator stuck in his mustache hair. I agree w/what U sed in yr e-mail, that one def needs to B circul8ed all over the net!!!

Apes

Anthony Invited Liz to See His Etchings House

After the "depositions", Anthony was all, "Elizabeth, we both took the afternoon off from work 2 do this deposition." Which was so not true, since this all happened on Sunday, and neither of them was working on Sunday. But Clearly he was hoping Liz wd B 2, like, preoccupied 2 notice, and he went on, all, "Wd U like 2 C what I've dun w/the house? I put on a new back porch and re-did the kitchen!" Liz, U shda sed "no", cuz how obvs was it that Anthony is using this whole going-after trial 2 get back w/U? And just cuz he wants 2 doesn't mean he can. But U're in charge of that, eh? NEhoodles, Liz was, like, "Sure, I'd luv 2." And as she was buckling in, she was saying, "It still amazes me 2 think U have a baby and yr own house! Next 2 U, I feel so unaccomplished!" Even tho Liz was looking down toward the clasp on her seatbelt, she sez she cd feel Anthony's gaze, like he was leering really hard. So she kinda crossed her arms @ the wrist and, while keeping her face pting str8 ahead, she looked over 2 her window side, cuz she didn't want 2 C what Anthony mite B having in a thot bubble. She told me, "All the same, I had a weird feeling he was thinking, 'Next 2 me, U feel so .... wonderful!' And April, I don't think it's the kind of 'feel' like 'How do U feel 2day', but the 'feel U up' kind of feel. And tho Anthony is my friend and always will be, I think that mite be in... inna... in-upp?" And I sed, "Inappropriate?" Liz giggled and sed, "Yes, 'inappropriate.' But don't criticize him for this in yr blog, b-cuz it's not his fault he has inappropriate thots around me. I bring that out in men." I tried 2 argue, but she just got mad and sed just 4 that, she won't tell me the rest until much l8r, so's I can't tell U abt it until 2morrow morning. But what else is new, eh?

Apes

Memory Triggering

So, back 2 this past Sunday. Liz was sitting in her bolted-down chair, staring in2 the camera, and the cop was all, "We want 2 make this as easy as possible 4 U, Elizabeth, so pls relax. I want U 2 go back 2 last summer, the afternoon of August 11th. U were working @ Lakeshore Landscaping." But Liz didn't tell me NE deets abt what she sed abt that day, she just skipped 2 after she was dun, and Anthony came up 2 her, put his hand on her shoulder, and was like, "How did yr deposition go?" And Liz was all, "OK. I didn't think I cd remember much, but once I got in2 it, the whole thing came back!" As they were leaving the building, Liz sed, "Memory is an amazing thing [amazing!] ...All U need is one image 2 trigger it." When Liz was telling me abt this, she sed, "April, just then, I cd have sworn I saw, out of the corner of my eye, I thot bubble over Anthony's head, that showed him kissing me! I had 2 close my eyes real quick, like U do when U accidentally see sum1 doing sumthing private and embarrassing." I sed, "Liz, Rn't U gonna tell him he needs 2 back away from the Liz? Since U have a bf and all?" And Liz gave me sort of a pitying look and sed, "Oh, April, U R so yung! This isn't high school! Say, where's Shiimsa? I need a hug." And she took off 2 chase after her cat again. She sez there's more 2 tell, but she didn't feel like telling me the next bit yet, so I won't B able 2 tell U all either, prolly till 2morrow morning's entry.

Apes

Liz and Anthony give video testimony. Again.

K, I'm confused, and if U read my fam's letterz on a reg basis, U prolly will B 2, esp. if U were reading last October (2005)'s letterz, and saw where Liz sed ,

Speaking of Toronto and the happenings back home, there've been some developments in my case against Howard. I think I mentioned how the weekly police report in the newspaper named him in a sexual assault complaint (they left my name out, thankfully), and two other women turned up at the police station to report him!!! That freak has been doing this for a while.

The police had video of me telling my story, and video of Anthony talking about walking in on the attack, and now they have two more tapes to add to the case.

Well guess what? The other day, when Liz and Anthony went 2 the prosecutors' office (on a holiday weekend!) only 2 B told there were "delays 4 various reasons"? They also had 2 go in2 a room and do the video'ed testimony2 the police again! Isn't that bizarre? So, Liz had 2 w8 out in the hall while Anthony gave his, and while she w8ed, she sez she was thinking, "I wonder how much longer Anthony will B in there!" And then when he came out, she was all, "Finally!" And as the cop w8ed 4 her in the doorway, Anthony was all, "I had 2 go over every detail of the attack, Liz. They even asked me what the weather was like that day!" Y was he so surprised? Did they not want those kinda deets the last time he was video'ed talking abt this stuff? Then he told her, "It's yr turn now Liz. [Was she looking around 2 C if NE1 else was there 2 go next?] The chair U'll B sitting in is bolted 2 the floor--so U can't avoid the cameras!" And Liz was all, "Cameras? Oh, my gosh!! How do I look?!!"

I don't know Y they're gathering theze vidz--R they checking 2 C if Liz and Anthony's storiez have changed since a yr ago? And what did Anthony say abt the weather? Was it, like, "Weather? What weather? I never think abt the weather when I'm pursuing my heart's desire"?

NEway, back 2 school 2day, peeps. Bleah.

Apes

Anthony post

So, like Howard heard fr. his lawyer yesterday, his trial is delayed 4 "various reasons". It turns out that even tho it was Sunday and a holiday weekend @ that, Anthony and Liz got called in2 the prosecutor's 2 learn that same thing. Only I didn't hear this fr. Liz. I found that Anthony was posting on a message board 4 single parents trying 2 hook up w/their hi-school sweethearts:

From: lonelyanthdad2franmboro
Subj: Whoo, here we go!

So, my friends, remember how I told you all that this "going after" trial was really going to help pave the way with my high-school sweetie? Well, the most marvellous thing just happened, and on a holiday weekend, no less! On Sunday!

Well, I got a call saying that "EP" and I had to go to the prosecutors' offices right away and get debriefed. We met at the office, and just as I was about to lean in and smell her lovely, fragrant, ponytailed hair, the door opened and Mr. Prosecutor said, "Mr. [my lastname]? Miss [her lastname]? Would you come into my office, please, and take a seat?" So we did.

Once we were seated in the office, he said, "Now, U both understand that this trial may take some time. There may be delays for various reasons." "EP" said, "Yes, sir." And I said, "We understand." Do you see what I did there with the "we"? I spoke for both of us, a very "couply" thing to do. My darling EP no doubt must have seen this as a protective gesture, plus it also gets her mind used to thinking of us as a pair, as partners! I'm a genius!

Mr. Prosecutor went on: "However, we must be sure that you are going to remain in town and be readily available to provide testimony in regards to the case pending against a Mr. [Going-Afterer]. The scrumptious "EP" asked, "When do you need us to appear in court?" (US! Us, us, US! Swooooon!) And Mr. Prosecutor said, "I don't know. There's been a delay for various reasons."

My heart did a little dance. A delay for various reasons! Surely, this can only work in my favour. Dear "EP" has this trial at the front of her mind, she knows she can't leave town to visit that NobleNative "current love" of hers, so you best bet I'll swoop in and give her plenty of "support". I could be at her side for weeks and weeks! I'll be her pillar, people, her port in the storm! She is so mine!

I'll keep you posted, my friends!

OMG, Liz, he's so scheming 2 use this trial 2 get with you again. I'm printing out pics of Paul and taping them alllll over the guest room so you won't 4get him!!!

Becks, that T-giving dinner @ yr house was wild, as alwayz! Sorry Ger an' I missed so much of it while we were in the broom closet getting him street cred. Or trying 2.

Happy Thanksgiving, Canada, an' a Happy Columbus Day 2 the Yanks!!!

April

Twiddle, twiddle, twiddle?

If U followed yesterday's comments, U mite remember that while I spent the evening w/Ger, & then Ger an' I went 2 Becky's, Liz was home watching TV w/Mom. Here's what she had 2 say abt it in a comment she posted l8 last nite:

April,

You are so lucky you weren't here tonight, it was awful, seriously, it was the worst television watching marathon I have had with Mom since I got home and you know that's saying something because there have been a lot of them and she's usually doing something annoying, but tonight it was worse than ever.

Well I was already there watching the TV when Mom came in with two green mugs, hers was coffee but mine was my favorite, blue raspberry Kool-Aid, yum. You know I like Mom and I hope to be a lot like her, after all, you know we spent earlier today having a mother/daughter makeover where we went and bought the same brand of jeans and the same Matronwear sweater except in different colors and mine is a square neck, and then Mom showed me how to do a proper bun just like hers, I was so happy, Mom is my biggest role model.

But then it started to all go wrong, Mom told me I could borrow her pearl earrings, since she never wears them anymore, and I noticed right then that Mom probably should wear them, because she has been looking less feminine lately, ever since she gave up on wearing makeup, not that she ever wore very much, but I was looking in the mirror to put in the earrings and I saw Mom out of the corner of my eye and I almost jumped out of my skin, you could hardly see her eyes behind the glasses and her nose and chin were bigger than ever and I noticed she looked a lot like Dad with a bun.

Well I swore I was going to put it out of my mind and think good thoughts while I went to put on the Danielle Steel movie, like how Mom really is a woman and you can tell because she has a bun, and when she came in with the green mugs I was totally reassured to notice that she also has a very large round womanly butt, in fact it is so big it looks like two volleyballs stuffed in the back of her jeans, that's even better than J.Lo. But I was trying not to look at her face because every time I did, I just kept thinking to myself, manly manly manly manly manly, and I did not want to be thinking that, it isn't right, not about your own mother.

Anyway, Mom sat down on the couch and we started to watch the movie, and all of a sudden I was distracted from my thoughts about Mom, but not a good distraction, I suddenly felt like my cheeks and neck were all swelled up like I had the mumps or something. You know they hand out a flyer about mumps to us teachers, apparently it is kind of making a comeback, so I guess I am a little paranoid, but really, it was really weird, and I was about to yell, "Help, I think I have the mumps!" when suddenly I noticed that Mom was twiddling her finger on her chin, and that was weird, but at least it seemed to make the mumpy feeling go away.

Well I said to myself, "Don't look at Mom, look at the TV, look at the TV, don't look at Mom, if you look at Mom, you're going to think those bad thoughts again, you can't think thoughts like that, she's your Mom, not your Dad, she's your Mom, she looks just like you, she's a woman, not a man!" My eyes kind of glazed over and I felt like a zombie just staring at the TV like that but I had to, especially when Mom's chin started saying, "Twiddle twiddle twiddle," over and over again, it really freaked me out, so I kind of looked my eyes over at her without moving my head, and I felt my blood run cold, oh my God April, suddenly Mom looked just like Dad and Grandma Marian and Grandpa Jim all at the same time, and her chin was very clearly saying, "Twiddle, twiddle, twiddle..." and ohmigosh, I was paralyzed with fear!

And not just in the way people say where they don't mean it, I really was paralyzed, it was awful, just like a zombie, I couldn't stop looking, my head kind of turned to the side to look at Mom but the rest of me stayed totally still, my eyes were wide open in fear, and I was staring at Mom who had never looked scarier! She looked possessed, it was so freaky, now she looked like Dad and Grandma Marian and Grandpa Jim all at once, but like a ZOMBIE Dad and Grandma Marian and Grandpa Jim, and her chin was yelling "TWIDDLE TWIDDLE TWIDDLE TWIDDLE TWIDDLE!!" Mom was totally out of it, like a zombie, staring straight ahead as her thumb was messing with her chin, and I think she might of even been holding her breath, I was so scared, I think I was holding mine too.

Then I felt this thing rising up in my chest, I felt it go up and up and up from my stomach into my throat, I don't know what it was, maybe some kind of feeling or something, and then it just exploded out of me, I was so afraid and angry all at once, because when you look exactly like your Mom when she was your age you do not want to see her turn into a freaky man-woman with a gigantic talking chin!!

So I screamed, "MOTHER!!" it came out even before I realized it, and that seemed to break the spell, the twiddles kind of petered out and Mom kind of yelled, "WHAT?!" back, and she looked more like her old self again, in fact her chin almost totally disappeared, and I just flipped out.

I guess maybe I was so scared I got angry instead, and I yelled at her, "Would you just go to the bathroom and DEAL with that thing?!!!" So Mom stomped off to the bathroom and I ran and listened at the door because I wanted to hear how she was going to deal with her talking chin, but I heard her mumbling to herself and she was saying, "It's just a chin hair!" and then I was relieved, if it was just a chin hair that was talking, she can just pull it out, but then I suddenly had this all over body shiver of horror and disgust because Mom is growing a beard, that's how manly she is getting, and what if I end up like that someday?

I have to go now, when I yelled at Mom, one of my earrings flew off, and I have to go hunt in the couch cushions to find it before Mom finds out I lost it, besides, I want to give them back for her to wear, if I can get her to wear jewelry and makeup, it might help the problem.

Liz

Ew, facial hair! I am so saving up 4 electrolysis along w/my fund 4 lipo an' rhinoplasty!!! Liz, that's a crayzee-scary story, now I know Y U looked kinda shaken up when I got home last nite. MayB we shd got Mom sum nice new makeup 4 Xmas, like if it's a gift fr. us mayB she'll use it?

Apes

Grandpa Thoughts

MayB this will B my last day telling U abt this past Monday. Here's hoping so.

Grandpa thots. "Grandpa playing the guitar" thoughts in one class, "Gramps giving me a hug" thots while playing basketball in P.E. "Gramps holding up his head w/1 fist" thots while putting on my jacket 2 leave 4 the day. Then on the bus, when I was sitting by myself and trying not 2 turn in2 a werewolf, I thot, "The wonderful thing abt praying is .... U can do it NEwhere." 4 Sum reason, I just had an image of my mug sayin' that on a pic on a buncha biddies' fridge doors. Weird.

Apes

Shannon made me feel better

So, I'm stiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllll telling U all abt this past Monday. Pattersons take 4evs 2 spit out a story, eh, even if it's a pretty dull one. Sorry abt that, foax.

I sed 2 Shannon, "My mom has been @ the hospital day an' nite. My uncle Phil just came in fr. Montreal." Shannon was, like, "Is ... yr ... Grand...pa ... awake?" And I was all, "Sumtymez, but the doctor sez it mite take a few wks B4 they know how much damage was dun. Then, he'll need therapy." Shannon kinda turned the convo around 2 B-ing abt her when she sed, "I ... go 2 ther...apy, ... April!" The whole time we were talking abt all this, there were silhouetted kidz in the background which is alwayz kinda disturbing. NEway, she went on w/"One ... lady helps me ... w/ ... exer...cises, an' .... another ...one ....helps ... me w/my ... speech! .... Therapists are ... awe...sum!" Then she took abt five steps away fr. me and turned 2 wave. A kid in a wheelchair had "I brake 4 pizza" on the back of his chair, I guess cuz he didn't want the kid w/the "on a roll" bag 2 get all the pts 4 wheelchair humour. So, I was waving back @ Shannon, and I thot, "Wow... I've told a few ppl abt what happened ... But Shannon is the only 1 who's made me feel better." Raise yr hand if U saw that coming. And from how many km away?!?!?!??!

Wish me luck 4 having sumthing new 2 talk abt on Monday, ppl!

Apes

Shannon tells me Gramps mite b-come special needs

Oh, so Shannon and I did talk this past Monday! We both 4got all abt it. Here's what happed.

I was @ my locker and Shannon came up 2 me, all "Hi, April ... Howya ... doin'?" I was lookin' @ a piece of paper when she asked me, and I sed, "I'm OK, Shannon." Shannon was, like, "I ... don't ... think ... so." Yeah, I was totally moping, I guess it was v. obvious. I told her, "My grandfather had a stroke." Shannon musta been worried that I'd assume she didn't know what that meant, just like my mom did 2 me last week. Cuz she was all, "I ... know ... what ... that ... is. I'm so ... sorry!" I sed, "He's alive, but they still can't tell us NEthing. He mite not B able 2 walk or talk or think clearly." Shannon did a "Hey!..." And just then, we were passing by the Learning Centre, where a bunch of special-needs kidz were hanging out by the door. The wall, all along the line where it meets the ceiling above that room has "yes we can! yes we can! yes we can!" Over and over. NEway, as we were passing that room, Shannon went, "...We've ... been there." "There" being can't walk or talk or think clearly." The SN kidz an' I waved @ each other as Shannon sed that. A kid on a wheelchair had a bag slung over the back of it, with "On a roll", which made me wonder if this kid's dentist mite B my dad, since this soundz so like my 'rents' kinda humour. NEway, this kid in the chair was all, "Shannon, that was really rude. We didn't have a stroke, and April's Gramps isn't special needs. U're insensitive." Shannon sed, "No, that's ... Eva. I'm ... uplifting." Then she kinda pushed me 2 hurry past the Learning Centre.

Well, it's Thursday. That meanz it's poss that after 2 more dayz of this topic, and sumthing totally unrel8ed on Sunday, I'll have new stuff 2 tell U abt on Monday. Wish me luck w/that, and of course lotsa good luck 4 Gramps, eh?

Apes

Backpacks an' stuff

@ my school, ppl R really clumsy abt their backpacks 4 sum reason. Like they get up close 2 U an' then make a fast, sudden turn so U'll get "RRUMBLED, WHUNKED, THUNKKKED, WHAPPED, and THUMPED." One of the guyz who does this loox like Gordo w/a goatee. It's really disturbing. Monday morning, I had this happ 2 me three times, and then I got 2 my locker an' thot, 8:45 AM... and I have survived another battle of the backpacks."

Whatevs, rite? Liz, I thot I was, like, defending U fr. Mike's dumb idea that U'd ever dump hott-Paul for nott-Anthony, the "former boyfriend from high school [who] may possibly be [ya think?] carrying a torch". If I were U I'd B pissed that Mike keeps saying that, and not even hinting, just flat out saying.

Apes

Being Insensitive

Yesterday morning, after Ger segued rite fr. Gramps 2 band practice an' pizza, Eva and I were talking. Eva was all, "Sorry abt yr Grandpa, April." I sed, "Thanks, Eva. I can't stop thinking abt him." When she sed, "He's over 80, isn't he? --That's pretty old!" I sed, "He doesn't seem old 2 me. We still play guitar 2gether... @ least we did." Eva went, "MayB he'll get better! --Some ppl who have strokes get better. --An' if they don't, there's places U can put them where they'll B looked after." When she sed that last part, I got really upset and went running up the stairs of the school. Eva was, like, "Hey! I was just saying what happens! --I didn't MEAN 2 B insensitive!!" I went inside, thinking, "Ppl who don't MEAN 2 B insensitive usually ARE." And when I thot that, I felt as tho my lips looked kinda strage, like more "there" than usual.

Apes

Gerald Not So Comforting

I'm writing this on Ger's fone in h'room. Lending me his fone was the least he cd do when he was so uncomforting on the bus this morning. 1st of all, he was, like, "Yo! Whazzaup, Girl? ... U look way down!" And I was, like, "My grandfather had a stroke, Gerald." Which U'd think he'd know, cuz what have I been talking abt on this blog almost a whole wk, and what did we all write abt in our letters this month? Does he not read the blog an' letterz NEmore? And he was all abt the whole "Viking funeral" thing when he thot Gramps was dying, but now it's amnesia-city. NEway, Amnesia!Boy was all Keanu-Everett with "Whoa! 2 bad!--Hey, U comin' 2 my place 4 practice 2nite? The Momster's gonna order pizza!" (Melanie Forsythe ordering pizza? Did she discover a no-fat, no-calorie pizzeria?) I sed, "I guess", and Ger was all, "What's with 'I guess'? We've got a gig comin' up! We've gotta B on top of our game!" Then he waited for the bus 2 pull up to the platform and let us out B4 continuing, "It's the Hallowe'en thing, remember? [I don't have amnesia, he does!] Costume contest, gym-jam...U wanna outshine 'Rebeccah', don't U?" Y is he making this abt outshining Becks? That's lame. Well, I sed, "I can't think abt ME rite now." And he was all, "So? ...Think abt US!!" Wow, I wda expected Ger 2 show his sensitive side during Gramps's health crisis, but no, he doesn't seem 2 care much. Uh-oh, h'room teach is getting started. I'm gonna get Ger's fone confiscated if I don't wrap this up fast!

Apes

P.S. to Mike an' Liz: I didn't kill Farley or Mr. B! Just quit that, K?!?!?!?!?

Tiny, small, or medium hurts

Mike just posted last nite abt sumthin' that happed w/his littles:

April,

Little sis. Sometimes I am such a good father, I cannot even believe it myself. The timing of being a good father is so precise, I doubt that a lesser man than Michael Patterson could accomplish it without divine guidance. Of course, sometimes I feel like I, myself, Michael Patterson could give out divine guidance. Let me give you an example.

Just today, my daughter and my son, I forget their names. However, for the point of identification, let’s say my daughter is the great purple one, and my son is the one dressed like he participates in a marching band, with colour-coordinated tuxedo pants and matching shirt and socks. Oftentimes the great purple one likes to chase marching band boy around our apartment, with the frightening threat of being touched. The great purple one usually has the speed advantage over marching band boy, because of her extraordinary full leg extension when she runs, and the fact that she can hover. Marching band boy also occasionally hovers, but usually only when he is about to get caught by the great purple one.

It was all good fun until the great purple one showed marching band boy a sight that he had seldom seen before---teeth! I have to admit I was frightened by the sight too, but marching band boy was especially afraid and slammed a door on the hand of the great purple one, a blow so vigorous, not only did it affect the great purple one’s hand but the resultant explosive light was so powerful, it caused me, for a brief instant, to be seen as a silhouette.

Now there are those who may say that if your child’s hand gets caught in a closing door, the first thing to do is call your doctor and see if the child’s symptoms merit going to hospital for an x-ray. But as mother has taught me, via her own attentions toward my children, that you do not act, unless you are absolutely sure you are needed. You have to wait for just the right moment to intervene or people will not appreciate you as much as if you are there with them all the time, like a certain mother-in-law I know.

So, I waited. I waited as the great purple one gasped at the sight of her reddened digits. I waited as the great purple one gasped as she achieved a catatonic state and her eyes started to turn a slight shade of blue, as she appeared to be going in to some kind of shock. I waited as the great purple one opened her mouth as wide as it goes gasping for the precious air. And still, I waited. Then finally the moment came. The great purple one’s bulbous lips receded into her head and she cried a great “Yeeowww”. I took her in my arms and gave her the best medicine a father can give--- a great, big hug. As her tears went careening about around her, I thought to myself, “A big hurt needs a big cry.”

But perhaps I should define my terms better:

Tiny hurt: A bump. Needs a cry lasting 2-3 seconds.

Small hurt: A scrape where the skin is broken. Needs a cry lasting no more than 15 seconds.

Medium hurt: A deep laceration. Needs a cry lasting no more than 1 minute.

Big hurt: Anything which would normally include a hospital visit. Needs a cry lasting no more than 3 minutes.

The great purple one was still crying after the 3 minutes was up, and I told her that her time was up, but it did not matter. Yours truly had saved the day with my hug and I was once again, super father to my kids. I tell you little sis, some days it just pays to be a great dad.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Hm, mayB U shda taken Merrie 2 hospital, Mike. Sumthing cda been broken!

Apes