I didn't really BEG!

So, after Liz bought that car, she came by the house w/it, and I met her out @ the driveway. Liz posted abt this last nite, and this was how she described it:

So anyway, I took my car over to show it to April and she asked if we could go for a drive and I said "Mais oui!" and I'm not really sure why I did that, maybe because I had been talking to Anthony and he was complaining about his Quebeckwois(sp?) wife and how she kept insisting that she wanted Francoise to learn to speak both English and French at home at the same time, and how Anthony wanted her to learn only English first because he didn't want the baby to turn out to be a nasty French bitch like her mother.

Anyway we went on the drive and April asked me what it was like to own my own car and I said it was scary because I might be out of a job in September. Then April begged me not to move away and I promised I wouldn't that I would stay here down south no matter what, even if I can't get a job ever, I'm not going back up north, it's just not for me, even if I loved my friends and my school and the town and my apartment and also Paul was up there. Then I said we could spend lots of time together and April said that was good but that she was going to the farm next week which I knew so I am not sure why that surprised me.

But really, I didn't "beg" Liz 2 stay. I just wanted 2, like, "establish the facts", like they alwayz say on the TV cop an' lawyer showz. I dunno Y I had 2 B all dorked out w/the Keanu "whoa" an' the lame question abt having a car. It's like I had total amnesia abt the "little blue car" that Gordo called "toast" when it broke down 2 yrs ago.

So, like, when I told Liz that I'm leaving 4 Manitoba next wk, she looked totally shocked, like bug-eyed shocked. I'm glad she wrote that bit in her comment abt how she'z not sure Y she was surprised, cuz that confused me 2.

Oh, the d8 w/"Ger" last nite. We met up @ the multiplex, when suddenly he got a fone call. His face got all, like, storm-cloudy while he was on the fone, and then he was all, "Family emergency. Gotta go. Can't get in2 it, now."

Oh, Liz, in case U didn't C Paul's comment, he xxplained Y he didn't get a chance 2 call U @ yr usual time last nite:

It’s too late to call your sister now. I just finished a 20-hour shift of working to help with a big fire in Northwest Ontario. I told my shift captain I needed to call your sister at 10 pm for our usual 2-hour call. My shift captain said, “Constable Wright, you will not be calling your girlfriend while you are at work, unless you want to find yourself looking for a job.” I decided to betray your sister and stay employed. After all, one of us has to be in order to make the car loan payment on her new car.

If you get up before I do tomorrow, and your sister asks if you have heard from me, please tell her what happened. I can’t call her because she needs her rest for her very trying teacher job. They have been working her so hard; I don’t know how my sweet girl can keep up. She told me what her school was like, and I can tell you, the school in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) was a lot less demanding.

Mike, do U want me 2 keep reminding U abt this indented stuff being quotes, or do U think U can remember? In case no, the first indented part above is me quoting Liz. The second indented part is me quoting Paul.

And Liz, it's "Québécoise".

Apes

Whatevs on Gramps

Mom an' Dad brought Gramps an old-fogey scooter as a surprise. He was all grumbly abt it an' saying he didn't want it, and he complained abt it when he test drove it, but then when Mom told him it was a rental, he was all, "U mean... I don't get 2 keep her?" It figs. U know, I think it's a bad idea 2 get Gramps in2 a scooter habit. He oughta walk. Even if he needs the walker. Getting him 2 use a scooter, that's like speeding up death.

Speaking of which, Anthony, I heard yr mother hadta have her stomach pumped. Hope she'z OK 2day!

Mike, I didn't say Françoise did suffocate in a dry-cleaning bag or drown or get scalded. Anthony's just friggin' lucky she didn't cuz U don't let a baby play in a plastic bag or unattended in a bath. Those R the thingz that happen 2 babies left unsupervised in theze situations. Mike, even U know that? U know what, I'm going 2 get Dee 2 read thoze comments and this entry and xxplain it 2 U, plus make sure she goez over basic safety so U don't let yr own kidz die in sum totally preventable accident.

And now Mom sez I hafta go 2 Anthony's house an' help him watch Françoise. BTW, she oughta have teeth by now, she'z over a yr old!!! While I'm there, I'm calling his pediatrician!

ETA: Oh, and Liz, I don't agree that men can't babyproof a house, but since I don't wanna C an innocent baby die, I picked up a babyproofing kit on my way 2 Anthony's. He's sitting @ the kitchen table staring @ a glamour pic of U, BTW.

L8r,

Apes

Liz asks for advice

Hey, ppl, Liz asked me 2 post this comment she put up last nite. Note 2 Mike, this indented part will B LIZ'S WRITING. The unindented stuff will be MINE. This is me CITING MY SOURCE.

April,

I have some free time since it is Friday night and my boyfriend is up north. He called me earlier to say that he is getting together with "Chipper" tonight in Spruce Narrows to show her the town and asked if we could skip our nightly call. I said this was fine because I am thinking about something else tonight anyway and I am afraid that talking to Paul will just confuse me more than I am already confused, which is very, very confused.

It's all Mom's fault. Anthony and I fell into a dead silence after I told him he was one of my favorite people. He had that funny happy look on his face and all I could do was freak out inside. I decided not to tell Anthony about Paul. I figured that if I did he would ask me how serious it was and then I would have to tell him about my feelings for Paul and I don't like to talk about my feelings even when I am not confused, which I am right now.

So we got back to the used car lot and Anthony took my hand in a sort of formal handshake and told me that he was "glad we had this time together" and to take care. He had this intense look in his eyes and it was very intense so all I could say was "you too" and then he walked away. As he did his shirt color changed from khaki to bright yellow. It was weird and I couldn't help staring. Mom walked over and asked me if the person I was talking to before was Anthony which confused me because she was looking right at Anthony when she asked and she's known him forever so why wouldn't she recognize him?

I told Mom that Anthony was helping me make a decision. Mom asked me if the decision was about a car or about my life. I got very angry because I did not want to tell her the answer to that question which is confusing for me to tell the truth and also because it would mean I had to tell her my feelings. Mom ticks me off a little and confuses me because she says it is "emotionally slutty" to reveal my feelings but then she is always wanting me to tell her my feelings, since she says a mother is a girl's best friend and that it is not possible to be slutty with one's mother.

So I kind of yelled at Mom that she was complicating my life by trying to confuse me about whether Anthony was just a friend or not. She has been trying to confuse me like that for a couple of years now by hinting that I should still have certain feelings for Anthony that I might or might not actually have. I was so upset that my hairdo actually kind of came apart and my bangs popped out so I had to try to push them back in with my hand while Mom said she didn't realize she had that much influence, which confused me, because as you know Mom is the biggest influence in all our lives and that is the way she has always told us it should be.

By the way it was really weird but when I looked back at Mom just then she looked not like Mom or even Grandma Marian but like Dad in a wig with a creepy gross wrinkly turkey neck. Don't tell her I said that. She bought this royal blue dress from the Menopausal Matron collection at KMart that is just like my royal blue Sensible Schoolmarm dress except with the sleeves cut off and she was saying all day long how I should of worn my royal blue dress too because then we would look just like twins and I really hope I don't look like Dad in a wig with a turkey neck just yet. I can't lose my looks until I make a decision on who should be my husband! Then I started thinking about how I should really be buying clothes from the Sensible Spinster collection because I am 25 and don't have a husband or even a fiance and that is ancient! Also I was having a Bad Butt day and I couldn't help thinking "oh no, I will never find a husband if my ass is already getting so huge!!!"

Shiimsa is no help either. She keeps escaping from my apartment and coming back looking all satisfied. I think she is having secret meetings with that bad cat that belongs to your ethnic friend that wears lip gloss. The boy, not the girl. If my cat gets married before me, I am going to be so depressed!

Excuse me now, I am going to go eat the cheesecake I have in the fridge (if my roommates didn't eat it already) and try to make a decision about something very very important.

I have told you this much already because I do need some advice from you April and also maybe from Howard who seems to be kind of wise. I need to know something. Is it better to take a chance on something that is new and exciting but tricky and hard and that maybe will fail, or should you just go with the choice that you know what it would be like even if it is a little boring-ish but a sure thing right now, but might not be if you take a chance on the exciting thing and then have it not work out and then try come back to the boring-ish thing you know and maybe find out that it moved on and married someone else because he couldn't wait and then maybe you end up without a choice at all because you are a spinster and the third choice probably got fat or picked another girl or died in a crash, or maybe all of those things and you don't want to move home with your parents but you are pretty sure you can't go it alone like your friend Candace because it's just too scary?

Thanks, Liz

Well, Liz, I think U oughta stick w/xxciting Paul, who clearly loves U and has been willing 2 rearrange his life 4 U. Not boring-Anthony, who was unfaithful in his mind 2 Thérèse the whole time they were 2gether, from d8ing thru being engaged, thru being married. And remember how after the whole "going after" last summer, insteada making sure U were OK, he laid all that "T. doesn't luv me, w8 4 me" crap when U were totally traumatized!

And I think it's really uncube how Mom acted w/U after the test drive. Like she doesn't recognize Anthony @ 40 paces or whatevs. And did she totally 4get abt Paul when she came up w/that "Abt a car.... Or abt yr life" line? Not, not, not cube!

NEway, that's how I feel abt it. I'm sure Howard an' otherz will post when they have a chance!

Apes

Anthony Makes a Move

Liz told me sum more abt that day she was test-driving a car @ Gordo'z dealership, w/Anthony along 4 a ride. Liz sed while she was trying 2 keep her concentration an' her eyez fixed on the road, Anthony looked @ her outta the corner of his eye "sort of like he wanted 2 flirt, April!" And he sed, "U kow that Thérèse and I split up. The divorce is uncontested. We're just w8ing 2 sign the paperz. Françoise is w/me. I'm a single father Liz. --I'm a good parent, 2. U'd B proud." Liz sed she she "U'd B proud" was a strange thing 2 say, but she didn't really have time 2 think abt that. He went on, "Our lives have changed so much in the past few yrs. I was hoping we cd B friendz again." Liz was a bit thrown off cuz he was not only in silhouette, but that the silhouette was like, stippled. NEway, Liz stared str8 ahed and sed, "Of course we can! We've alwayz been friends, Anthony. U R one of my favourite ppl in the whole world!" Then she thot, "I've just sed the wrong thing!" And she had a v. bad feeling that Anthony was thinking "She'z just sed the rite thing!" Then she sed, "April, I'm too shaken up 2 tell U what happened next. I'll tell U sum more when I'm feeling more calm. Meanwhile, I need 2 decide whether 2 wear a mustard-yellow skirt with an eggplant-coloured sleeveless turtleneck or a 'Laura Ingalls' style flowered dress."

Well, I'll fill U all in when I know more!

Apes out

Anthony sure moves fast, eh?

So, whichev day it was that Liz went 2 Gordo's dealership w/Mom, Liz was in the parking lot getting ready to test drive a car. Suddenly, Anthony showed up, all, "Elizabeth!" Geez, I guess he got the memo that Liz is all "Elizabeth" lately. NEhow, he went on, "I saw yr mom @ the coffee shop w/Gordon. They sed U were test-driving a few cars!" Hm, curious that they decided Liz shd B doing this alone, eh? Liz, all surprised 4 sum weird reason, was, like, "Anthony?" And, "I was just abt 2 take this 1 for a spin." R U surprised 2 hear that Anthony was, like, "Wd U mind if I came along?" Liz was all, "No! I'd really like that." Ick, remember what happed the last time these 2 were in a car 2gether? In the car, Anthony was, like, "Man, it's gd 2 C U! I'm so glad U've moved back here! When Gordo sed U were coming in 2day, I cdn't w8!" And Liz, hovercarring over the road, xxclaimed, "WAIT!" And Anthony was, like, "Is something wrong w/the car?" Liz: "No.... My nerves R rattling."

K, so keep in mind that this-all that I'm telling U has happed already. It's over an' done. But I don't know yet what went down after this bit I just told U. As usual, I'm finding out in dribz an' drabz, so bear w/me! I'll tell U the next bit when I know!

Apes

Gah, no, Gordo!

So, guess what? Mom has taken Liz shopping 4 a used car. Guess where? Aw, nuts, U guessed, didn't U? Gordon's Garage, Grill, and Megalopolis. And as U know fr. Anthony's post yesterday, he'z been totally w8ing 4 Liz 2 show up. But since Pattersons can only tell and get these storiez in bits and pieces, this is gonna take a while. And we haven't gotten 2 inevitable Anthony yet.

NEhoodles, this is the part Liz has told me abt. She an' Mom were @ Gordo's dealership, and Gordo was all, "A gd used car, hum?" HUM? "...I think I can do sumthing 4 U. What R U looking 4?" Liz was all, "Gordon, I am so nervous. I have never spent this much money B4 in my life! I really don't know where 2 begin!" But she hadn't even gotten 2 "how much" yet, eh? NEway, Gordo was, like, "Well...What's yr price point?" And Liz went, "Price point?" Cuz apparently, she'd never heard that xxpression B4, which is kinda weird. Hasn't she ever watched The Apprentice? Thoze candidates R alwayz, "Blahblahblah "price point", blahblahblah." Well, channelling Pattersonz an' our awful "wordplay", Gordo put his arm on her back an' sed, "Give me a price --and I'll point out a vehicle." Which, oh, no, Gordo, Y'd U have 2 go there? First of all, it's lame, and second of all, Liz is gonna think that's what "price point" meanz. She'll even teach that 2 the poor, defenceless kiddiez in her classroom. V. v. irresponsible, Gord.

Well, that's all I know abt the car shopping. I'll tell U more when I hear more.

Apes

Bank of Mom

Geez, I know I keep harping on this, but when I wanted a friggin' CHICKEN WRAP fr. the school caf, the "Bank of Mom" cdn't give up a coupla looniez and instead Mom pushed her garbage-from-the-fridge wrap on me! Thanx again 2 all of U who took up a collection so I didn't have 2 eat that rancid slop Mom made that day!

But NEway, no $ 4 April 2 buy a cheap school lunch, but Liz wants 2 make a major purchase, and the Bank of Mom wants 2 shove the $ in her hands. I'm ahead of myself, tho, so I'd better back up. When Mom was over @ Liz's, during the impromptu visit, they were having coffee an' cookies on Lizzie's couch, and Mom was all, "How'z the new job?" And Liz was, like, "It's gr8, actually. It's a bit like teaching up north. I have 14 students in the morning and 12 in the afternoon. It's remedial work, so the kidz have different needs and goalz." Hey, Dunc's cat Faustus was rite abt the remedial kindy, I guess. So, Liz went on, "I'm lucky 2 B able 2 walk 2 school, but I'm going 2 have 2 buy a car. ...And B4 I start 2 look 4 one, I'll have 2 talk 2 sum1 @ the bank." While Liz was saying that last bit, Mom was in, like, silhouette, and her profile looked way 2 much like Dad's, according 2 Liz. But that's not imp. rite now. What's imp. is that rite after Liz sed that thing abt having 2 talk 2 sum1 @ the bank, Mom put down her mug, all, "I'm listening." Get it? Bank of Mom. If Apes wants new furniture 4 her room, she needs 2 save up fr. the bookstore job. If Liz wants a CAR, the doors of Bank of Mom R open. Gah, I just can't believe this, only I so, so can, U know?

Mike, just cuz U hear gossip abt sum1 (like Becky) doesn't mean it's true. How can U get 2 age 30 w/out knowing that?

Apes

Something Missing and Shrinkage

Liz told me abt Mom's impromptu visit. Liz was still in her teaching dress when Mom arrived w/a casserole, all "Surprise!--I haven't heard from U in a while, so I thot I'd drop in." She cda called Liz or e-mailed, but that's Mom, eh? Liz was all, "Mom! am I ever glad 2 C U! Now that I've settled in2 this apartment and have started my new job... reality has finally set in." Mom was all, "U miss Mtigwaki, don't U." She didn't ask it, she stated it. And Liz was, like, "I miss my friends, I miss the school, I miss the community. I miss the lake, I miss the silence, I miss the practical jokes, I miss the sunsets... And I miss Paul. I miss Paul so much." Liz told me, "I realize that instead of listing this, I could have just sed 'Yes', but I didn't want to do that, I wanted 2 list what I miss. And Paul, I wanted 2 mention him w/the other thingz I miss." NEway, Mom's big comeback was, "Lifes' never perfect, Elizabeth. There'z always sumthing missing." And she gave Liz a hug that seemingly caused Liz 2 shrink from being roughly the same height as Mom, if not taller, to being distinctly shorter, with her shoulder maybe five cm lower than Mom's. Liz thinx this is, like, sum designation of superiority in our fam, and when Mom's doling out sympathy (or trying) it puts her in a "superior" position, and the female Patterson receiving the sympathy (Liz or me) gets shorter. I guess we'll hafta track this theory an' see if it holds. I h8 it when I get shorter, it happs 2 me all the time!

Mike, I can totally understand Y Dunc mistook Mom 4 Dad on that day we had the cookout by the lake. Mom was having one of her "looking just like Dad" dayz. U can't blame Dunc 4 that, esp since she had one of thoze sexless hats she likes 2 wear on sunny dayz. He cdn't even C her bun!

Apes

The tide is high, but the sand is hot.

So, yesterday afternoon, I went 2 the beach w/"Ger", Dunc, an' Eva. Luis had other planz. The sand was hot. Ppl were running over it, all ouch-ouch-ouch. When we decided 2 go in2 the water, fr. where we were sitting under a big beach umbrella, "Ger" was all, "U guyz ready?" An I was all, "Yeah." Ger went, "Let's go 4 it!!!" And we all ran, with our strides, like, matching xxactly, an' once we were in the water, "Ger" was all, "Everybody'z doing the beach sand boogie!" And I was, like, "When it's hot--it's hot!"

But, like, so what? I dunno Y I'm even telling U this, when there R so many other topix I cd B discussing here, but that's what came in2 my head when I sat down 2 write this morning. Sorry, d00dz.

Edit: Sum ppl have IM'ed me 2 ask Y the eff no1 @ the beach was wearing, like, sandals! This is a v. gd question, cuz this is what normal ppl wd do @ the beach, eh? Well, U C, my mom is on a committee that sets policiez 4 this beach, and she got this bug up her but idea in her head that all footwear shd B banned fr. the beach cuz it wd keep the sand cleaner. She didn't think of how ppl wd burn their feet, tho! I will try 2 get Mom 2 go and C 4 herself this afternoon. MayB if she burnz her feet, she'll get that committee 2 undo its dumbarse policy.

Apes

Sleepless Lizzie

Liz told me abt a nite recently when she cdn't sleep. She was all turning an' tossing, so much that Shiimsa got fed up and jumped rite offa the bed. Liz told me that rite around the time Shiimsa hopped off, Liz was thinking, "How can I get up and go 2 work, when I feel like this?" And then she thot, "GROANNN". Yup, thot it, insteada actually, like groaning. I'm not sure Y. Then she thought, "Not being able 2 sleep is terrible." As she was walking over 2 the bathroom, she was thinking, "U have the misery of having partied all nite ....Without the satisfaction." Hm, I wonder if this meanz Liz planz 2 B a party girl, since she can't sleep NEway, and she wants, like, "satisfaction".

Apes

Liz and Her Mental Replay Function

So, Liz decided 2 tell me that she ended up wording her e-mail 2 Paul differently after Shiimsa deleted her original one. Go, Shiims! She sed her new version started like, "Dear Paul... I can't tell U how much I miss U. Saying goodbye was awful. I replay our last kiss over and over in my mind." Then she sez she stopped writing and started picturing the kiss. She sez she cd feel she had this, like, worried look on her face. Then she sez she pressed her forehead while closing her eyez an' thinking "Beeep!" Like she was pressing a button there. And then she "replayed" the kiss in her head, and this time, she sez she cd feel she had this look of, like, dumbfounded sumthing-sumthing. I dunno. But who does that? I mean, pressing yr forehead an' thinking "beep" when U wanna picture sumthing that happened. I heard that sumtymez living alone can make ppl xxcentric, I wonder if that's what's happening 2 Lizzie, eh?

Apes

Try "Undo", Liz!

So rite after sending an e-mail 2 Paul, Liz IM'ed me. It went like this:

HotTeachr81: April, I just e-mailed Paul.

ApesGuitrGrrl: Cube!

HotTeachr81: And I'm ready to kill that cat of mine!

ApesGuitrGrrl: ???

HotTeachr81: Well, I'd just sent an e-mail to Paul, where I wrote "Dear, Paul. I'm moved in here, but I sure miss my nice apartment in Mtigwaki. This place is miniscule, but I can deal... I share the kitchen with two other tenants, which isn't too bad 'cause I'm hardly ever "home." The school is walking distance. I have a class in the mornng and one in the afternoon."

ApesGuitrGrrl: Did you just copy an' paste that from yr "sent" folder?

HotTeachr81: Yes.

ApesGuitrGrrl: Thought so.

HotTeachr81: Anyway, that wasn't my whole message. That's just as far as I got before Shiimsa jumped on my keyboard, with a big KLAKK! and a "BIP-BIP-BANG!!!" And my message was LOST! Darn cat!

ApesGuitrGrrl: Maybe she wanted to send Paul a message of her own.

HotTeachr81: Probably but that's besides the point, April! The point is, the point. Oh, yes, the point is I stuck her in her carrier, latched the door, and reconstructed my message, from "Dear Paul," on, through the stuff I didn't get to write before, which I won't tell you now, as I've decided it's not your business.

ApesGuitrGrrl: Did U try right-clicking in yr message box of yr e-mail an' clicking "Undo"?

HotTeachr81: I can do that?

ApesGuitrGrrl: Yup.

HotTeachr81: Oh.

ApesGuitrGrrl: So wanna hear abt my band, an' work, an' my planz 4 August?

HotTeachr81: Not right now, April, I've got things to do!

[Then she logged off.]

NEway, I'm glad 2 B off of the Mike-talk for the mo, Rn't U?

Apes

Mom's Imaginary Exposition

So after Mom helped Mike with his homework book, she poured him a mug of coffee and put out a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Which she made me bake, BTW. And Mike was all, "Thanx 4 yr input on the book, Mom, it was a big help." Mom was, like, "U know me--I love a good story!" Mike, clutching the mug in a most girly fashion, asked, "How's Elizabeth? I haven't heard from her l8ly." How come we're all calling Liz "Elizabeth" these dayz? Mom sed "Well... She'z moved in2 a tiny apt which her cat h8's. She'z getting used to the new school..." Which xxpects regular attendance an' strict adherance 2 lesson planz, but Mom didn't say that part. She went on, "She thinx abt Mtigwaki, & she misses her boyfriend terribly. She sends countless messagez 2 him... And she tortures herself, wondering if she'z done the rite thing." Mike was all, "She'z been in touch w/U then!" And Mom was like, "No. I just imagine what's been going on. U know me... I love a good story." OMG, how sad and, like, totally pathological is that? But Eva, Dunc, I think this mite answer our question abt Y my mom keeps insisting U 2 R, like, a couple. She musta decided that wd make a gd story, and now she won't shake the idea loose! Sorry, guyz, it's darn-near imposs 2 get Mom 2 let go of sumthing like this.

Apes

Dunc asked me 2 B nice, yo!

Dunc wants me 2 B nice abt the book in case it sellz a lot an' Mike endz up needing an opening act, like MCDunC, if the PM in Calgary invites him 2 do I reading. Mm, I dunno, abt all that, Dunc, an' I think I laid in on kinda thick.

U C, Mom an' Mike were @ the kitchen table staring @ that manuscript of his, and I came over, eating an apple, acting like I didn't already know all abt it: "What R U guyz working on?" I totally hafta stop talking w/my mouth fulla food, but I guess I was concentr8ing on being nice, like Dunc asked. Mom was all, "The outline 4 a book." And me, laying it on all thick, and partly channelling Dad's associate Everett not-Elliot Callahan, "WHOA! Like a real book? W/pagez an' a story an' everything?!!" LOL, that sounded way stoopid, I know, but I went on, "Hooo! that is so totally cool! What's it about?" Girl please, like I don't read every1's monthly letters an' all. Mike was, like, "It's not so EZ 2 xxplain, April. We're making a few changez 2 the beginning, so the ending will B...." I cdn't bear listening 2 this line o' yammering, so I cut him off, all "That's OK. I'll w8 'til it's a best seller!" Mom told him, "U can take that as a compliment. ...It lacked sarcasm." Ha, it only lacked sarcasm cuz it was full of ACTING, Mom, ACTING! Well, U owe me, Dunc! U buying the dbl-dbls next time we hit Horny T's?

Apes

Mike Honours Mom, Yo!

Mike showed up w/his manuscript, all showing it 2 Mom, and she was, like, "A book?!!" And Mike was all, "I've only dun a few chapterz, Mom... and an outline. U're the 1st one I'm showing it 2." ::snerk:: Sitting @ the kitchen table, Mom looking at the pages, she was, like, "I'm honoured, Michael! I really am!" Which is kind of a weird way 2 phrase it, like she's trying 2 convince sum1 of an unlikely thing. Mike went on, "It's set in the '40s, after the war. A young English bride moves 2 Canada w/her soldier husband 2 a desolate farm in Central Alberta... It's a comedy, in a way, but there'z a problem." Mom cut him off, all, "Well, don't tell me. U'll spoil the ending." And he was like, "That's the problem. ...I don't have one." And Mom had one of those shockedy-shocked looks on her face, the kind Pattersons often get when they hear sumthing not-so-shocking. I thot mayB his problem wd B that the idea 4 the book wasn't v. good, or @ least that it wasn't a v. comic premise, eh?

Oh, well, brace yrselves 4 a wk of this topic!

Apes

Mom needs to get a refund fr. the photog class!

K, so remember how I told U that Liz, Mike, Dee, Merrie, and Robin were all over 4 a picnic lunch yesterday? Well, after we'd finished eating lunch, Mom went and got her digital camera she'z been using 4 her course, and she was all, "OK, every1! Group shot! She got us posed, all "Closer, closer...Umm, John, get in the middle w/Mike. Closer... Closer." She had Liz holding Merrie (the 1st time since Merrie was around 5 or 6 months old!), then Dad to Liz's left and kinda behind her, then Mike sorta in front/2 Dad's left, Dee, scrunched in overlapping Mike's left shoulder while holding Robin, like, under his armpits, feet dangling, me in front of Mike an' Dee (Mike sort of resting his right-hand fingertips on my shoulders), and Eddie betw Liz an' me. I was havin' one of my short dayz, my head not even reaching up 2 Mike's shoulderz, so I'm sure I looked abt 11. Can I ever B in a family foto an' not look like I'm still pre-pubescent? Erg. Well, I did a lame little "peace" sign w/my rite hand, trying 2 take my mind offa being so friggin' short again. Oh, and Dixie wasn't there cuz she'z on punishment. No picnic privviez.

So, NEway, Mom was all, "SMILE!" Then she was, like, "Whoa! I don't have the setting rite. OK...Can U get the dog in there again? That's it! Hold it.... Hold it...Smile!" Then, "No, w8....I want 2 turn off the flash 1st.. Ummm.... There!" Then, "OK, Smile...SMIIIIILE! I don't know Y it's not taking the picture...." Then, "SMIIIILE... Move back, April.. W8... Now.... SMIIIIIIIILE!" Then she took the picture with a big CLICK and moments l8r, she was looking @ the image in her camera, all, "Darn. Every1 alwayz looks so 'unnatural' in my pictures." And Dad shot her a dirty look when she sed that. I think he was thinking abt the $ she wasted taking that foto class, since after all that, she still can't fig out howta work her camera properly.

Note 2 Luann: I think yr sticky-outy tung laff mighta been a 1-time thing, but just in case, I'd try 2 B a bit careful whenev sumthing is funny, an' concentr8 on not sticking out yr tung when the laff happs. HTH!

Apes

Sum Guy Named Jeff

Yeah, I've got more "Mike" stuff 2 tell U abt, but @ least we're off the "yard/kiddie-pool" story an' on 2 sumthing else. The bad newz abt the sumthing else is that this prolly meanz I'll B on this sumthing else all of next week, Mon-Sat. Don't say I didn't warn U, eh?

Mike was in his office after hours, working on his "novel", and this guy Jeff poked his head in2 the office, all, "Working l8 2nite, Mike?" And Mike went, "It's a personal project, Jeff. My office @ home is in an attic--so it's 2 hot 2 work there." Jeff was, like, "What R U writing?" Mike was all, "Oh--I'm taking a shot @ a book. It's a learning process. I've only dun a few chapters, but..." And B4 Mike had a chance to switch from his faux-modesty 2 the usual Mike bragging, Jeff was all interrupting him w/"A BOOK?!! What's it about? Do U have a publisher? Gimme an outline! --Can I read sumthing?" Then as Jeff continued talking Mike tuned him out so he cd think, "Never tell anyone that U're:

• Writing a book,
• Going on a diet,
• Exercising,
• Taking a course, or
  
• Quitting smoking.
  

...They'll encourage U 2 death. "

LOL, he shd tell that 2 Mom an' Dad. Imagine how little they'd have 2 say, in person an' in their monthly letterz, w/out telling ppl abt dieting, xxercising, or taking a course!

Mike, do U need sum discouragement? I can give U discouragement if U want. And BTW, has it occurred 2 U that while U're staying l8 @ yr office in air-conditioned comfort, that Dee, Merrie (yr daughter), and Robin (yr son) R hot an' uncomfortable @ home? The main floor may not B as hot as the attic, but U sure spent a lot of time establishing that it gets plenty hot on the main floor. And did U buy a new air conditioner yet? And besides, this is yr second summer in that apt, and U knew the attic gets hot in the summer fr. last yr. How 'bout U go out and buy another air conditioner 4 the attic? I know, U want an xxcuse 2 stay away from home!

Oh, I almost 4got 2 answer Becks. 4 those of U who didn't C her posts yesterday, her Dad was all pressuring her 2 go make out w/a girl cuz he has this idea in his head that she's supposta go thru sum "lesbian phase", and that she'z due 2 go thru it around now. I'm not clear on whether this is a "Viking" tradition or a "McGuire" tradition. And she tried 2 find a girl 2 kiss @ sum girl-bar wherev they all were yesterday, only all the chix there were, like, married 2 other chix. And they wdn't kiss Becks! And her Dad is pressuring her, so she told him she'd make out w/me when they got back fr. the tour! She wants 2 C if I'll help her w/this lil prob. So, get this, Becks. Ger, of course, saw yr post and immediately made this, like, emergency call from Viking camp in Iceland soccer camp. And he was, all, "April-Flower! U must do this, as it is a particular fantasy of mine 2 C this particular event transpire! Only, U must w8 until I have returned from camp! And let me watch! I promise if U do this, I will reward U handsomely!" But meanwhile, Luis saw the post, 2, and he totally wants 2 watch, 2. So he told, U know, "Gerald", who also totally wants 2 C this, like ASAP, IYKWIM! Uh-oh, guyz, what shd we do?!?!?!?!?

Apes

Merrie Gets the Laff Line

So like I guessed, I learned a bit more abt what happed in Mikeland on this past Mon. evening. After Melville complained abt the kiddie pool being an eyesore an' all, Mike told Lovey, his landlady, abt the Kelpfroths wanting the pool in the backyard. Lovey told him 2 leave it where it is, all saying that the K's R never happy, alwayz complaining abt sumthing. "They want the front yard, they want the back yard, they're making me crazy already!" She sed that if the K's don't like neighbours and noise, they shd move 2 the country where there's nobody else. "Complain, complain, complain!! Y don't they go and live in the woods?!!" When I heard that Merrie had a "Patterson laff line" rite after Lovey sed this, I thot mayB Merrie was gonna suggest that Lovey oughta go live in the woods, cuz she was doing a whole buncha complaining herself. That wda been a v. cube laff line! but instead, she was all, "But...That wdn't B fair 2 the animals!!" Oh, and Mike mentioned that Merrie and Robin were both playing in the kiddie pool.

Sum ppl have e-mailed me abt this legal thing called "attractive nuisance". If sum kid comes along and, like, drowns in the kiddie pool, since it's out in the open insteada being, like, fenced off an' having warning signs and stuff, then Mike, Dee, Lovey, and mayB even the Kelps cd get in2 big trub. So Mel is actually rite that the pool oughta B in back, tho not 4 the reason he sed.

I'm glad 2 hear Becks' tour is going so well. I miss U all, hope U're back soon!

Apes

Enter Melville

So, when Mike was over here @ our house last nite, he told us abt sumthin' that happed Monday. Yep, today's Thursday, but Mike's story has only just progressed fr. Sunday nite 2 Monday evening. But by now, U know that's how Patterson storytelling goez. @ the end of this installment, I went off 2 rehearse w/the band, but I have a feeling I'll have a bit more 2 tell U on this subj. 2morrow and Sat, since that 2 is the Patterson pattern.

Mike told Lovey he'd been unable 2 fix the air conditioner, and he was, like, all apologetic abt it. She told him 2 buy another & bill her, all ":tsk:" and "Feh! It's always sumthing!" They were having this convo fr. the front porch, and Melville Kelpfroth spotted them fr. his front window, so he came wearing his polka-dotted boxers an' his wife-beater undershirt, and holding a cigar in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. Mel was all, "A little warm, R we? Heh, that's how theze old houses R! No central air. --I'm glad we have the downstairz apartment. It's so much cooler." Which was sort of odd 4 him 2 say, as I don't think he'z ev. been upstairz. NEway, Mel went on, "By the way, we've been meaning 2 ask U 2 move the kiddie pool around 2 the back." Merrie was playing in it just then. Mike was, like, "But it's so nice and shady here." And Mel was all, "Yeah...But it's kind of an eyesore." Mike sed he was all gobsmacked cuz Mel, in his skivviez, was a major eyesore like that. When I asked him whether only beautiful ppl were allowed 2 have a, like, "aesthetic sense" abt their surroundingz, Mike got annoyed w/me and changed the subj.

So, we had a pretty cube rehearsal, even tho we hadta get used 2 a diff drumming style. Ger, "yr" drumming pace is kinda like the Ramones l8ly!

Apes

Heat Rises

Mike's still dwelling on this past Sunday nite, yo. Last nite he called and told Mom that while he an' Dee were trying 2 sleep on thoze air mattresses in the LR, Dee was all, "Our apartment downstairz was cooler wasn't it?" And Mike was all "Uh-huh." And Dee was saying that their current apartment was much nicer xxcept 4 the summer, and "We alwayz slept much better downstairz, didn't we?" Mike: "Mmmmm." Dee: "One air conditioner was all we needed--and we didn't have so much trouble w/the fanz! .... I wonder Y it was so much cooler downstairz." And Mike didn't answer, but he thot, "Heat rises", while he had steam, like, coming outta the top of his head and sweat trickling down his face and neck. Heh, I wonder if Dee was going on like this as revenge 4 waking her up when he started messing w/the fan, since she was sleeping OK till then.

It's weird how Mike's not-Rosewood-not-Beaches nabe seemz 2 B the only part of TO that didn't, like, have that cold snap the rest of the area got, eh?

Jeremy, when Ger was getting in2 all thoze fites @ hockey, I was mostly afraid of his getting hurt an' getting in trub. I'm not sure how U got the idea I thot it was teh sexy.

Apes

Mike doesn't love camping NEmore

Mike called a second time yesterday, after he'd complained abt his fan trubs the nite B4, and he sed that he'd 4gotten 2 mention that the air conditioner in the kidz' bedroom had stopped working and leaked water all over the floor (so Howard, if yr aunt an' uncle tell U there was ceiling drippage, that's Y!). Mike turned it off an' Dee gave Merrie & Robin a cool bath, then put them in Mike and Dee's bed. When she told Mike this, he was all "What abt us?" They ended up inflating 2 "Inflate-A-Bed" mattresses and sleeping on those in the living room. Mike sed he lay there grumping in his thots, all, "I used 2 luv camping." And they got 2 "camp" under the LR fan, which was going "tinkle tinkle tinkle", like the bedroom fan had been doing, LOL! Oh, and since Mike doesn't like me 2 leave out his swears--when Merrie asked him "How come there's water all over the floor?" Mike thot (but didn't say)"".

NEway, Ger, we will play thingz cool w/yr bro so he doesn't get suspicious. B careful over there @ yr camp, eh?

Tinkle Tonkle

Mike just called complaining abt his ceiling fan in their bedroom. It kept making a "tinkle-tonkle, tinkle-tonkle" sound last nite, and he tried 2 stop it by tugging at it, but that only made the "TINKLE TONKLE TINKLE" louder, so then he applied a whole buncha tape 2 it 2 make it quiet. The tape 4 sum reason changed the sound 2 a "tick-tap-tick-tap-tick-tap", which I think is hilarious, cuz it's like he hadta listen 2 himself typing up in the attic, but Mike failed 2 C the humour in that. He told me that as he lay awake in bed, blinking and haggard, he was thinking, "Whoever designed that ceiling fan never had 2 sleep 1 of them." Yeah, OK.

Ger, it was cube that yr camp let U fly back 4 the weekend so U cd hang w/us yesterday afternoon. I hope U R not 2 tired from taking the redeye 2 yr camp in Iceland last nite! Thanx 4 giving me that autograph U got fr. Bjork!!!

Dunc, that rehearsal studio yr Dad set up 4 U in his former choo-choo room is hella-cube! My dad wd nev in a million-gazillion yrs give up his choo-choos! And use the space 4 me!

Becks, Howard, Jeremy, thanx 4 writing in fr. the tour an' letting us know how U R. Glad U got that air conditioning going!

Apes

So, this is how lame my dad is!

Ppl hear that my dad is lame, but sumtymez they need, like, xxamplez 2 show just how lamely he lamez. So here goez one 4 ya. . . .

Yesterday, Dad pretty much spent the whole day in his workshop. What happed is he'd been wearing his st00pid choo-choo conductor costume that he wearz when he'z playing choo-chooz. An' he decided hiz "layout" needed sumthing else, and that the "sumthing" shd B, get this, a big, old, dead tree. And instead of just, like, using one of the zillion twigs we just have lying around the yard, he figged he hadta make one outta piecez of wood in his workshop. And he realized the blade on his table saw was dull so he hadta get out his sharpenier, and after he did that, he hadta change the paper in his sander, and then 2 use the sander, he hadta fix the base of the sander, and he cdn't fix the base w/out a part, which he cdn't do w/out the rite screw. So after Dad had been there there the whole friggin' day, Mom went in 2 C what he'd been making, and he showed her the dead tree he finally made. Even Mom thot that was way lame, an' U know she totally lamez in her own special wayz.

So, Ger, Eva, Luis an' I R gonna meet Dunc an' Zandra @ the Andersons' house @ 2 this afternoon. There'z sum kinda special suprise hiz dad has planned. And l8r, Dunc, Zandra, the rest of us, and Kimmi LaSalle R all meeting up @ Horny T'z.

Apes

April "Chopped Liver" Patterson

So Mom an' Connie had one of their over-the-backfence talks they've had since 4evs, and Connie was all, "So, yr girl is home & on 2 another phase of her life!" Notice that she sed "yr girl" and not "yr older girl", like I don't xxist. And Mom didn't say NEthing 2 correct her, she was just all, "I've hardly seen her since she arrived, Connie. She'z rented a place near the school where she'z teaching--and 2 B honest, I don't know where she is half the time!" And Connie was, like, "She'z on her own, Elly! U've dun yr job." And Mom was totally, "And I try 2 let go. I try not 2 pry... But it's not EZ. She'z still one of my kidz." That's when Connie told her, "Uh huh... And the cleaner U cut the apron stringz, the more they'll want 2 B back in yr kitchen!"

Hmmm, MayB since Mom and Connie can't seem 2 remember that I xxist, Mom is practicing the "apron-string cutting" on me, eh? Like, next thing U know, my stuff will B in boxes on the front lawn with a copy of the real estate section of the paper taped 2 the top.

Apes

Lunch Money

K, so one day in the week B4 Liz started her summer-teaching classes, whenev that was, Liz started 2 feel a bit panicky abt everything she needed 2 do. She was in the kitchen w/Mom and was all, "Man, I have so much 2 do! My classes start on Monday, I have 2 get my apartment organized... I have 2 C Gordon abt buying a car, I have 6 boxes of stuff 2 pick up @ the bus depot..." (Dad sez Liz wdn't have had this last prob if only her bf had bought one of Gordo's CrevASSe wagons, then he wda been able 2 haul alla Lizzie'z boxes.) She went on, "I need a new fone #, a change of address, I have 2 open a bank acct, do my laundry...." Mom was, like, "Where shd we begin?" Liz was all, "Mom, U don't have 2 do a thing! I'm an adult now. I can handle it all on my own." Liz was feeling xxtra confident @ that moment cuz she was having a "tall day" and was even a teeny bit taller than Mom. NEway, Mom went, "I know that!" (Abt Liz being an adult, blahblahblah.) Then Mom asked, "...Do U have enuf $ 4 lunch?" Liz sez the worst thing abt that mo was that she really wasn't sure if she did have enuf $ 4 lunch, as she'd 4gotten 2 plan 4 her lunches during the following wk.

Also, Liz posted this in a comment last nite. Note 2 Mike, this part is copied @ pasted fr. Lizzie's comment. Just the indented stuff, tho, aka "quoted material". The rest of this entry is my own writing. I know the big "journalist" gets confused easily.

Well, I had better get used to this crazy Big Smoke car culture again because I have to go see Gordon about buying a car! And it is really important that I don't let him know I don't know anything about cars. I need him to think I am going to drive a hard bargain. (Drive! Get it?! Stick out your tongue and laugh already!) Also, I might see Anthony there. I haven't seen him in person since last summer and I don't want my first re-impression I make on him to be that I am an idiot who pays too much for a used car.

That reminds me--I might want to borrow my red dress from you. I might want to wear it to Gordon's auto dealership when I go.

Liz, I can lend U that dress no prob, but R U sure it projects the whole "drive a hard bargain" image? Mom seemsta think one of her "business suits" wd do the job 4 U? She wants U 2 come by and try sum on.

Apes

Audience

The day after Paul was here 4 dinner, whenev that was, and we grilled him like cheese, Liz was out front saying goodbye. I was watching out the window. I know that was uncube, but it was like one of those thingz where U can't make yrself turn away, even tho U want 2. Also, there was nothing good on TV.

Paul was all, "I shd go. I have a long drive ahead of me." And Liz was like, "I'm sorry abt the interrogation last nite." Paul told her, "That's OK. I'd do the same if a strange guy was d8ing my daughter." And Liz sed, "U have a daughter?" J/K, what she really sed was, "I'm going 2 miss U, Paul." Then Mom came up 2 me and asked, "R U spying on yr sister?" And I was, like, "Yeah!" Mom told me, "April, she shd B able 2 kiss her boyfriend w/out an audience." And I was, like, "I know. But she'z kissing him where we can C her!" Then Mom stood and watched 4 a while and told me this wasn't as good as the telenovelas she likes 2 watch on cable.

I know Liz is gonna B mad when she reads this, abt the spying. I'm sorry, Liz, I know I acted like a brat, and again I don't even know what came over me! Hey, 2 make it up 4 U I'll buy U this book that just came in2 the store, The Cat Whisperer. MayB it'll help w/Shiims.

Apes

Poor Paul!

OMG, I feel embarrassed thinkin' abt how Mom, Dad an' I all acted when Paul was over for dinner, whenev that was. We were just asking one question after another, piling on, not even giving him a chance 2 breathe or think, let alone answer us. It was going like this:

Dad: So yr parents live in White River! What does yr father do?

Mom: Tell me abt yr mother. Does she have a career?

Me: What music do U like?

Dad: What made U decide 2 B-come a police officer? Where did U go 2 school?

Mom: Do U have NE brothers and sisters? What hobbiez do U have?

Dad: What do U think of the current political situation? Do U think the l8est gas prices R justified? [If U're so worried, Y'd U buy a gas-guzzling CrevASSe, Dad?]

Liz looked like she was thinking, "Oh well... @ least they're not asking NE embarrassing questions." And I wasn't gonna, I swear, but sumthing made me ask:

Me: R U and Elizabeth gonna get married?

Sorry, Liz! Sorry, Paul! I don't know what came over me, really I don't. I also had the feeling I looked esp. uggo @ that moment, like my forehead got shrunken, my nose got uglier, my head was all tube-shaped, and my prop-bun looked even dumber than usual.

I'd say what happed next, but this is already started 2 feel like it happed a long time ago, and mayB it kinda did. My mem'z all weird, and I have a feeling I won't remember what was next till I write 2morrow morning'z entry.

Becks, thanx 4 writing in yesterday. I'll follow yr advice and not eat NE of the IKEA food. Ger, pls thank yr Mom 4 her sympathetic note an' tell her I heard my Mom saying the Intermediate writing class starts Sat, July 8. I think it's a diff teacher, tho. Vicki'z mom got sum kinda grant 2 study the depiction of First-Nations peeps in North American popular culture and is gonna B on leave 4 a year.

Apes

July Letters!

I'm kinda tired, so this isn't gonna B v. detailed. Here goez not much--

My letter: Not much 2 add on here, 'cept that I only just remembered the part abt going 2 Manitoba in August. Still had a partial mental block on my summer planz. Thanx 4 offering 2 help paint my rm, Dunc! And Liz, thanx 4 taking me 2 Ikea this wkend.

Lizzie's letter: Well, I'm not sure where Liz's new apt is or how many ppl she'z sharing w/. I guess we'll find out B4 2 long. She soundz kinda like she'z regretting the decisionz she's made abt leaving Mtig an' not renewing her contract. But I'll leave it 2 Liz 2 xxplain what she'z feeling if/when she wants 2.

Mom's letter: Augh, I h8, h8, h8, how my mom likes 2 start out her letter like she'z the host of our letterwriting an' she like assumez every1 readz her letter 1st. I totally know ppl who go 2 mind 1st, sum who go 2 Liz's 1st, and so on. Sum guy in Saskatchewan reportedly reads Grandpa's letter first, LOL!

School uni shopping. ZZZZZZZZZ! The photo editing: Yeah, Mom sez I taut her how 2 do that, but what happs is she spends abt 30 secs trying 2 edit her fotoz B4 she'z all "AUGH!" and calling in April-tech support.

Dad's letter: "Many are driving fun sporty or luxury cars, and almost all have had their kids move out by now, so they can concentrate on themselves more." Is it just me, or does it sound like Dad is jellus and wishes I were moved out so he cd drive a sporty or luxury car and concentr8 on himself more than he already does?

"It did inspire Elly and I"? OMG, Dad, it's "It did inspire Elly and me", not "Elly and I". Wd U say "it inspired I"? That's the test, goofo!

And OMG, Dad found yet another xxcuse 2 talk abt friggin' Bushwhackerz, even after he sold his st00pid ol' BW. And Geez, he nev "spoiled" me the way he'z planning 2 spoil his grandkiddiez. Me, he'z ready 2 move me outta the house. And speaking of that, he'z still harrassing thoze poor old folks who live in the little house w/the big lot he keeps drooling over 4 his silly "trains, trains, trains" obsession. And notice he can't seem 2 remember my name NEmore. I'm "the kid".

Mike's letter: Do I hafta read Mike's letter? Grrr, OK, I'll go read it now.

Well, that's time I'll nev get back. "Sheilagh"? LOL! I'm sure Dee just loves Mike's l8est xxcuse 2 spend xxtra time @ his office in the airconditioning while Dee swelterz @ home and takes care of every1 like she'z a working single mom 3 kidz!

Oh, and he was soooooo embarrassing @ my gig 2nite @ the mall. Cd U believe him, Ger, Dunc, Eva, an' Luis?

Dee's letter: Blahblahblah, just admit Mike's avoiding U an' the kidz an' that it suxx!!!

Gramps/Iris: Aw, I don't wanna. K, K, here goez. . . .

Oh, ew, like NE1 wants 2 think abt oldiez' stinkin' false teeth an' their st00pid toothless gumz. Just pls make it stop!!!

Pets: Sorry abt writing another lame "pets" letter. And don't get 2 xxcited abt me saying I'm getting my hair cut. U can just bet it'll look the same as alwayz, st00pid cursed hair.

Apes

I Met Paul, Yo!

Paul drove Liz all the way 2 Milborough, can U believe it?!? Yeah, so when they got here, Mom, Dad, an' I all ran outta the house. Dad was all, "Elizabeth, U're home!" Elizabeth! How formal! And Liz was, like, "Paul drove me all the way!" Then Dad was going, "So I finally get 2 meet the man my daughter has been talking abt! --U're a police officer?" And Paul was, like, "Yes, sir." And I was, like, "U're taller than I thought U'd B--an' better looking than yr photographs." Which I had 2 fig out in the, like, split second I had B4 my eyez disappeared rite after we got out the door. I had a feeling he was giving me a strange look just then, like mayB wondering how on earth I knew that if I didn't have eyez, but 2 polite 2 say NEthing. Then my eyez came back an' I saw that Dad look v. 2-dimensional when he was saying, "How was the drive? How was the weather?" And Mom sed, "I hope U like pot roast. I made pie. Do U like pie?" Paul leaned over 2 Liz and sed, "I feel like a bug under a microscope!" And Liz was, like, "U R!" So, they got here last nite, and I'll prolly B talking abt last nite 4 the rest of the week. Hey, it beats burial plots, eh?

Edit: Did I say this stuff happed last nite? My bad, I goofed. Brainfart. This didn't happ last nite, it happed in the fairly recent past, but I can't remember whether it was a few dayz ago, a week ago, two weeks, or what. U know how time sumtymez foldz over itself in Mboro? NEway, Liz is now living in Mississauga, and she has been for more than three days. How many more? I'm not sure. My head hurts. I'm gonna go soak it.

Apes

Fate/Faith

In the car as they were leaving Mtig, Paul told Liz, "U're awfully quiet, Liz." And Liz was all, "I can't believe I'm leaving Mtigwaki 4 good." And Paul sed, "It's not 4 good--at least ... it's not good 4 me!" Aw, see what he did w/ "4 good"? He's still auditioning 4 the fam, yo! Liz put her hand on Paul'z arm an' was, like, "We'll work thingz out, Paul. I honestly believe that we met 4 a reason--and if we were meant 2 B 2gether, we will B!" And Paul was all, "U put a lot of trust in fate!" Liz told me that just then, she thot, "...I put a lot of trust int faith!"

Okay, but here's what I don't get. How is it Liz knowz 4 sure she wasn't supposta stay in Mtigshecouldn'tgetoutfastenuf? What if all theze things that happed 4 a reason R, like, this delicate spider web, and if U pull on it, U louse it up? Liz wd prolly say that her getting all "homesick" musta happed 4 a reason, 2, but what if the reason was supposta B she works thru it and decides 2 stay up north? Eh, I'm giving myself a headache.

Last nite @ the Vatikan (their last nite B4 closing 4 good, boo!), after Zandra an' Kimmi had been yelling @ ea other 4 a lil while, they noticed Dunc had been gone the whole time they'd been yelling. I'd had like six energy drinx and I was totally buzzing! I checked here on my fone an' saw Dunc's comment abt how he'd climbed outta the men's room window 2 go 2 the squat, so Zed was like, "let's get a cab!" She didn't want 2 let Kimmi come along, but K started 2 get in2 this whole, like, religious argument 4 Y she shd B allowed 2 come along, and Zandra was, like, "We don't have time 4 this, but U stay quiet in the cab or get dumped three blox fr the squat, then U'll never find yr way home!" So that shut her up.

Well, it took 4ev 2 get 2 the squat, an' OMG, I'm totally gonna buy them sum Clorox clean-up spray, sponges, and paper towels 2 go w/the TP Dunc scored 4 them. Cuz, oh, my nose! NEway, Dunc was, like, huddled in a corner where this topless girl was giving him sum peanuts fr. a brown paper bag. Then suddenly every1 saw Kimmi in her nun's habit, an' they, like, panicked cuz they thot sum church organization was there 2 like bust them or sumthin'. Kimmi tried 2 xxplain who she was, but these squatterz had this totally organized bugout plan, an' like 3 mins l8r it was just me, Zed, an' Kimmi standing there, Dunc in his corner w/the peanuts, and the place like totally empty otherwise. We ended up taking a cab back 2 Vatikan, cuz we nev did get 2, like, dance or NEthing.

An' we got home pretty l8. In fact, I'm writing this w/out having gone 2 bed @ all, so I'm gonna go do that now.

L8rz,

Apes

Gramps is creepy, yo!

I heard Mom telling Dad abt sumthing Gramps told her he doez when he an' Iris go 2 the park 2 feed the pigeonz. He, like, oglez yung women who walk by and then imaginez himself B-ing all yung again, xxcept wearing his same old-man clothez, and going out on d8s w/all theze women, like they wd w/a guy wearing dorky old-man clothez. On these d8s in him imagination, he does stuff like buy ice cream 4 the woman, go dancing w/her, or take her 4 a ride in a red convertible, w/the woman's less attractive friend sitting in the backseat.

Gramps thinx it's v. v. funny that the last time this sorta thing happed, Iris was feeding the pigeons, all, "They're so much fun 2 watch, Rn't they!" And he was all "Absolutely!" Only he was ogling a girl @ the time, and that's what he was talkin' abt, not pigeons. And after he'd gone thru a seriez of his sad little d8 fantasies, he was on one where he was taking one of the girls on a nite-time stroll in the park, only he'd like, made her wear a long skirt insteada the teeny short-shorts she had on w/her halter. Iris noticed this particular girl, and she sed, "::tsk::! Honestly! The clothes yung women wear these dayz! They leave absolutely nothing 2 the imagination!" And Gramps sed he had a big ol' grin on his face, cuz these women obvs give him lots 2 imagine about. Ew.

Mom was laffin' when she told this story, and Dad got kinda pissed and asked, "How is it that when yr Dad does these things, it's cute, but if I do, it's a major offense?" And Mom just kinda rolled her eyez an' sed, "Oh, 4 heaven's sake John, Dad is old! Of course it's funny when he does these absurd things!" And she clomped off. And Dad went 2 the choo-choo room.

So the BBQ yesterday was interesting. Zandra wanted 2 talk w/me abt the play her lil bro Charles Wallace is in, where he'z supposta play "Michael, age 9"--yup, my bro'z play. I won't get in2 deets here, since Mike reads here an' sum of what we talked abt is, like, confidential "client-agent" kinda stuff, eh? (Zed is CW's agent.)

Apes

Carrying Gifts

K, so this is April again, but I've got Liz on the fone w/me as I write this. Cuz she doesn't feel like writing 2day'z entry but she also doesn't wanna let me "louse it up", like I wd, eh? She'z all, "This is going 2 B a very emotional entry, April, and if U don't write it like I tell it, I'm going 2 chase U around the house till I catch U and wring yr neck, as soon as I'm back in Milborough!" Hmmkay.

W8, I hafta get Liz 2 slow down. She'z got no idea what it's like 2 try an' write while sum1's blathering in yr ear. She sez @ the end of the festivities, she gave Vivian Crane a gr8 big hug, and was all, "It's been a wonderful evening, Vivian. Thanks 4 everything!" Then she had 2 hold back tears, all ::sniff::. What? Oh, Liz doesn't want me 2 use "she was all", or "he was like" 2 report dialogue. So back in that last bit, Liz wasn't "all", she "sed", K? K. As Liz was reaching in2 her little purse for sum tissuez, she told Viv, "Sorry. I'm pretty emotional about it. Every1 has been so kind." Viv told her, "We wanted U 2 leave Mtigwaki w/sum good memoriez--and a gift U don't have 2 carry." Vivian had her hand on Lizzie'z shoulder @ that moment. Liz answered, "Oh, I'll carry it ... Everywhere and 4ever!" Liz sed Paul seemed 2 have a v. proud look on his face @ that mo. Jesse was standing by Paul, and then there was Gary, and Vivian rite in front of Liz. A little cluster o' ppl. NEway, Liz continued, "I'll carry it here." And she put her hand on the left side of her chest, "Where my heart is, April. My heart!" Yes, Liz, I got that. Got, got, got it.

So, like, in other newz, it turnz out that when I was a baby, there were sum documentariez dun abt my fam, and they ran on TV here in Canada 4 a while. Sum1 uploaded a clip fr. one of them yesterday. Hope the clip still works! Watch out, though, the sound is rough. Liz "buys" Anthony in an auction an' he hasta B her slave 4 a while. And Mike hasta babysit me, and he uses me 2 try an' pick up women. Figures!

Howard, I hope U, Becks, an' Jeremy have a good tour an' Becks gets s00per-famous, eh?

So, 2day's Canada day, yo! I'm gonna B heading over 2 Zandra Larson'z family BBQ l8r 2day. Shd B cube!

Apes