When did Shannon start riding our bus?

So, riding home on the bus Monday of last wk (18 June), I was sitting next 2 Eva, who was all, "Whatcha gonna do this summer, April?" And I sed, "Go back 2 the farm." Eva asked, "Still think U'd like 2 B a veterinarian?" And I was like, "Yeah. It feels rite 2 me. What feels rite 2 U, Eva?" And she sed, "I'm not sure... But since I've been in the band, I've found out that I gotta keep singing!" Just then, Shannon, who'd been sitting b-hind us, was getting off of the bus, and she was all, "'Bye, April." And I sed, "Goodbye, Shannon." And as I saw her getting off of the bus, I had this really contrived-sounding thot: "Life is like Christmas--when U think all the boxes have been opened....U discover another gift." And I thot, "Y'd I think such a strange thot?" And I remembered that there was something I'd read abt Shannon being "a surprise package w8ing 2 B opened." And I cd swear I cd almost hear the voice of the Witch of Corbeil saying, "Finally, I got a chance 2 refer 2 that 'surprise package' analogy."

NEway, Monday the 18th sure was a wacky day, eh?

Apes

Ger and I = More Than Friends Again

Ger an' I have been sharing a secret since Monday of last week.

U C, after Shannon's speech in the hallway, I went up 2 him, all "Gerald?" Ger was cleaning out his locker, and he turned 2 me, all "I thot U weren't speaking 2 me." And I sed, "Well I am. Our band shd do the telethon. I don't care if U R playing drums 4 Rebecca[h]... It's 4 a gd cause." And Ger sed, "Friends again?" And we stared @ ea other 4 what seemed like a silent penultimate panel, and then I sed, "MORE than friends again!" as we hugged.

In rel8ed news, Ger posted a comment l8 last nite:

Formerly dearest Becky flower,

I am sorry to have to break your heart, but I cannot be your concubine any longer. My dearest April flower came to me that day after Shannon made her speech in the cafeteria and told me she wants us to be "more than friends" again. I am not quite sure what caused her change of heart. Pater says that Patterson women have fickle and violent temperaments. I am kind of afraid of the "violent" part. Also, April is a Patterson, and Mater wants me to marry into the First Family of Milborough.

So, April and I have been secretly "more than friends" for a little while now. My relationship with you has been a sham for some time. However, I can no longer continue to see both of you, as my little April flower says there will be no more "comfy accommodation" from her until I break it off with you.

Anyway, thanks for the public exposure on that TV show and all. Also, it was fun losing our virginity together. That was the best day of my life.

Thanks again, and sorry, Gerald

I hope the "losing virginity" thing ends up b-ing an untrue thing staged 4 the Newlyfoobs reality show, like Howard hinted. If not, I mite hafta retcon myself 2 having slept w/Axel. Foob oper8ors R standing by.

Apes

Shannon's Shining Moment

So, back 2 Monday of last week. Shannon's speech. U'll remember the clapping and cheering I told U abt yesterday. Once Shannon had gotten down from the table, I hugged her and was all, "Shannon, that was the best speech EVER!!" I mighta been xxager8ing a bit, but NEway, kids in the caf were still cheering, like "Yeah!" And "U go, girl!" And "Yes!" And Shannon went, "Whoa! ... I'm ... sha...king! ....That took.... guts, ...man!" And Jack decided 2 try out the echolalia since it seems 2 work so well 4 Dylan, so he was all, "Guts!" Then some kids started coming up 2 Shannon. One girl w/a pointy 'fro came up w/2 friends, and was all, "Hey, we're really sorry. We've sed sum stuff that was totally out of line." And then a guy and a girl came up, and the guy was all, "Way 2 go, Shannon." And the girl was like, "Yeah. We totally needed 2 hear that." Then Shannon sed, "U know what, ...April? ...May...B ... I ... was born ... dif'rent ... so I cd ... make a differ...ence." And I felt this weird look forming on my face, I don't know xxactly howta describe it, both proud and smug. "Smroud"? "Prug"?

Apes

Woohoo Yes Clapclap

So here's how Shannon ended her lunchtime speech in the caf nine days ago: "Kids ... w/ .... special needs R ... ppl ... 2! ...We ... have a ... lot ... 2 ... offer! Get ... 2 know ... us! ...Don't tease ... us!" Ppl stared, entranced. Then, she wrapped up w/"PLS! E..NUF.. IS .. E..NUF!" There was this moment of complete silence w/every1 lookin' @ ea other gobsmacked. Then, every1 started clapping and letting out cheers like "WOOHOO!!" and "Yah" and "Yesss!"

In other news, I got a strange call from 1980s cinema, asking that we return its teen comedies.

Apes

Shannon's Speech Inspires Gobsmackery

So the next bit of Shannon's lunchtime speech 8 days ago was: "U ... tease ... me abt ... the ... way ... I ... talk!.... I ... was ... born ... w/a cleft .... palate!.... They cdn't ... fix it ... until ... I ... was ... 4! I .... had ... 2 learn ... how ... 2 ... speak ... all ... over again ... and ... that ... is ... Y ... I ... talk like ... this. I can't ..... change ... the way .... I.... talk.... But .... U .... can change .... the .... way .... U .... LISTEN!!" And then I noticed kids lookin' @ ea other all gobsmacked.

Oh, and hey, happy 27th 26th birthday, Liz! Got NE special celebration planz?

Apes

Shannon's Speech

Whelp, I'm back 2 tellin' U abt one week ago, when Shannon got up on the table in the cafetorium 2 make her speech. Jack BANGed on the table 4 times 2 get every1's attention, but since every1 kept on talking when he did that, I cupped my hands around my mouth and went, "Quiet, every1! Shannon Lake wants 2 say sumthing!" 'Else Jack was gonna stand there an' bang 4evs. Shannon was all, "I ... want ... 2 say ... STOP! ...Stop ... ma...king ... fun of us! ....We're dif'rent from ... U ... but, ....SO WHAT? Don't ... give ... us a ... hard ... time ..... give us .... a CHANCE!"

And then the next thing that happed was. . . . Oh, man, there goes that Patterson memory lapse I keep getting when I tell my blog stories. Well, remember, it cd B worse. I cd B "Coffee Talk" w/my Mom! More 2morrow, when I remember the next bit.

Apes

Yard Sale

So, like I told U, we had the garage sale yesterday. Boy did I end up wishing I'd just stayed in Montreal w/Uncle Phil and Aunt Geo. We were selling all kindsa junk, like Mom's old clothes (her "skinny" dresses from B4 she had kids), hella many lamps, old dishes, toys, CDs, LPs, wrapping paper, microwave, toaster, glasses, bottles, picture frames, and other similar stuff.

It was just me, Mom, and Dad working this sale, and B4 we started, Dad kinda gave me an "everything must go" pep talk. But l8r, during the sale, Mom was all, "What happened 2 my coffee cup?" (As if she only has one!) And I was all, "Um... I think I sold it." Then a while after that, Dad came up 2 me and asked, "April, U didn't put the garden toolz in the yard sale, did U?" And I sed, "Oops." And then sum more time had passed when Mom was like, "Has NE1 seen the calcul8or?" And I put my hand over my mouth cuz I realized that I'd sold that, 2. But, y'know, Dad HAD given me that pep talk, and I did get a good price 4 all those things. But do U think Mom and Dad cared? No, they yelled @ me!

So I got fed up, plunked myself on a chair, and jokingly put a "$5" sticker on2 my forehead. Sum lady was all, "Does she come WITH the chair?" Which made Mom laff one of her muppet-mouthed laffs, while Dad just stared. And then sed, "No, chair is sold separ8ly." And then he cracked himself up, w/the sticky-outy tunged laff. And the Newlyfoobs producers actually tried 2 buy me, tho they wanted 2 haggle me down 2 $3.50. And I hadta tear off the label, shout, "I'm not really 4 sale," and run in2 the house. I think they got all that on camera, tho I'm not sure I'll sign the release 2 allow them 2 use my likeness.

Apes

Standing on Tables and Bloggoversary

Yeah, so I'm still talking abt that lunch w/Shannon et. al. from this past Monday, and it loox as tho I'll go rite back 2 talking abt it on Monday, cuz what I'm abt 2 tell U def. does not wrap things up.

OK, so U mighta noticed a pattern was forming during this lunch. Sum peeps talk abt the telethon 4 a bit, then sum1 walks by an' sez sumthing mean. Back 2 talking abt the telethon. Another mean comment. Lather, rinse, repeat. Well, we're abt 2 lather again w/this next installment. Faith had gone rite back 2 talking 2 me abt the telethon, saying, "April, I know who 2 ask abt being in the the telethon, if U wanna B in it." Then sum toothy guy, with his sleeves pushed up 2 his elbows and his hands in his pockets, walked over 2 the table, all "Koo-koo! Koo-koo!" And suddenly, Shannon stood up, scrunched her eyes 2gether, and yelled, "THAT'S E...NUF!!!" Then she went 2 stand on a chair, which I steadied 4 her, as Faith asked, "Shannon? What R U doing?" And I was like, "R U gonna stand on the table?" Which, Y did I assume that? But I was rite, Shannon sed, "YES!" and she climbed up on2 the table, where she was all, "I'm ... gon...na... stand ... up .... 4 ... ALL ... of us!" I kinda think she mighta gotten ahold of the Patterson Handbook of Taking the Figurative Literally, © 1979, but I didn't get a chance 2 ask.

I'd tell U what happened next, but my usual Patterson memory lapse is kicking in, so I'll hafta hold off until Monday (U know what Sundays R like around here.)

But meanwhile, 2 day is my 2-YEAR BLOGGOVERSARY! Can U believe it? And guess what? In honour of this occasion, Steph has finally yanked that mbarrassing fakey "April's Blog" she had going @ Mom's website. Tho that's not the "official" reason she gives over there. In the 1st installment of the replacement, "Elly's Coffee Talk," the reason given is "April decided she didn't want to blog anymore because she's too busy with her friends, her job, her band, and her plans for summer vacation, so she's given the blog up." LOL, rite, as U can C I'm not 2 bizzy 2 blog. And it's not like I spent NE time on that "fridge threw up its pix in2 blog 4mat" chronicle that Steph had over there, with my name on it! But big thanx 4 taking that down. And how LOLful is this: "Elly, newly retired, was up for the challenge - and she decided that it was time to learn to use a computer!" Ha, she's been vowing 2 learn how 2 use 'puters 4evs. It's sort of like how she alwayz vows 2 "lose the lard"!

NEway, happy Bloggoversary 2 me, and thanx 2 all of U who post here and read here and make this so much fun!

I'm still in Montreal, but I'll prolly B home this evening. I'm gonna check out the Disney show at the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts.

L8rz,

Apes

Winkies? Bwuh?

Well, I'm still talking abt this past Monday's lunch @ Shannon's table, and prolly still will B 2morrow. We'll C.

NEway, I was starting 2 feel like Shannon and her friends had gotten 2gether an' planned this whole sales pitch abt the telethon, 2 get me 2 B "Yay, telethon!" Shannon's friend Faith sed, "The telethon's 2 raise $ 4 ppl w/special needs. Sum families don't have ramps or wheelchairs or other stuff!" And that Dylan guy, who I'm starting 2 think has echolalia, was all, "Other stuff!" Shannon told me, "Know ... who ... the ... sp...on...sor is, ... April? ...It's Mayes ...Mo...tors! The ... big car ... dealer ... guy." And I was, like, "Oh, yeah! I think I remember my Dad saying sumthing abt that-- But, I guess I wasn't listening. Sumtymez, I tune him out. U know what I mean." Shannon was, like, "Mmm hmmm." Then, like, rite on cue, the next 2 ppl in line 2 walk by the table and comment on me being there--two girls--appeared. And one stage-whispered, "Hee, hee, hee! April's with the winkies!" ["Winkies?" The heck?] The short-ponytailed girl @ our table, Grace, winced again, and Shannon sed, "...We're ... good ... @ tun...ing ppl ... out."

Then, the Witch of Corbeil walked in, carrying a huge poster board with "SPECIAL-NEEDS KIDS ENDURE HURTFUL COMMENTS EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIVES!" printed on it. Just kidding. Probably.

Apes

Rules

So, more on what happed this past Monday, when I was having lunch w/Shannon and her friends. Faith stopped having that grim look she usually has long enuf 2 say "We're going 2 the telethon, April! We're going 2 B there!" And Dylan was all, "Telethon!" And I went, "Cool!" Then Shannon was saying, "I've ... nev...er been ... 2 a tele...thon ... B...4 ... so .... I ...." But she didn't have a chance 2 finish cuz Jeremy showed up behind me, all, "U got a watch on, April? This story is gonna take a looong time!" As Jeremy walked off, laffing, I was all, "U'RE A JERK, JEREMY!!" Then I was like, "R U OK, Shannon?" And Shannon was like, "Yeah ... we ... get this ... all the ... time." And the girl with the short-ponytailed version of my old hairdo was all, "All the time." And I went, "But, it's against the rules!!" And Shannon sed, "...So ... is ... smoking." And it was only then that I noticed sum tall, skinny guy who was standing rite next 2 our table had lit a cigarette, and sum tall, skinny girl was reaching like she wanted 2 take it from him. This was the 1st time I ever noticed NE1 having the nerve 2 smoke inside the school!

BTW, there's a list of "Rules of Conduct for R. P. Boire Senior Secondary Students." It's posted in all of the hallways and classrooms, and it includes no smoking and no being mean to the special-needs kids.

Jeremy, yikes, I think yr "Converted 2 Good" cert from Corbeil is in peril! Also, Y were U outta uni on Monday?

Apes

Egg heads?

Back 2 the events of this past Monday. Shannon was all, "Wd ... U ... wanna ... have lunch ... w/ ... me?" And I was like, "Sure, Shannon. Y not?" So we got 2 the table, and I was thinking, "Man, Shannon's mom gave her lunch $, and I hadta bring in one of my sad little brown-bag lunches!" NEway, I'd just finished thinking that when Shannon sed, "U ... know ... sum of my ... friends, rite?" And I sed, "Hello," while a coupla ppl @ the table were all, "Hi" and "H'lo!" As I was sitting, I realized I remembered this one guy Jack from home economics back in grade eight. I remember him having this big emotional moment when we cooked hard-boiled eggs. So I was all, "We were in the same home economics class! Remember, Jack? U learned how 2 cook eggs!" And he was like, "Eggs! I cooked eggs all by myself!" I was a bit surprised he was still basking in that glory more than two yrs l8er. NEway, once I'd sat and was abt 2 bite in2 my sad little sandwich, this girl with short hair and big teeth, who mighta been one of those girls offering Becky essays and test answers last yr, walked rite up behind me and sed, "Hey, April! --I C U're sitting w/the 'egg heads'!" Which is usually the insult ppl use on kids who R smarter and better students than they R. But mayB her scare quotes meant she was being ironic? In which case, she's obviously evil and on her way 2 being punished or served w/a v. special lesson of sum kind, eh?

Dunc, don't worry. I know Eva's all hot 2 have our band do a Sound of Music Thing, but I say no way. If we do the telethon, we'll just do one of our normal sets, in our normal clothes. And OMG, do U really think U'll never come back from Barbados? If that's true, mayB I'll never come back from Manitoba!

Apes

I'm Full of Grudge-y Badness

So, more on my convo w/Shannon yesterday. She repeated, "The ... tele..e...thon ... @ the ... mall is ... 4 US, ...April!..." Then she added, "Kids ... w/ ... special needs." I was like, "I didn't know that!" Only I guess I totally wd have if I'd asked sum1, like Eva or Ger, insteada just getting my bitch on. Then Shannon went on, all, "Re...be...cca[h] ... is ... singing 4 free ... an' ... there will ... B ... dan...cers ... an' magic ... an' it will ... go 4 ... 24 hrs!" She added, "Yr ... band cd ... B there! ...They ... want ... every...1 2 par...tissss...i...pate!" And I was all, "No. I don't want 2 B on the same stage as Becky and Gerald." Shannon was like, "Then ... it's no... prob...lem, man! ....There's gonna B ... 2 ... stages!!" And I was all, "Oh." And geez, am I grudge girl or what?

Apes

Telethon

Well, back 2 me. Yeah, I know. I wanted 2 find out what happed next @ Shawna-Marie's wedding with Liz, Anthony, Mason, an' Julia, but I guess we have 2 w8. Hopefully not all the way until the July fam letters, eh?

So, I hadta go 2 the school xxtra early 2day, 4 xxam-rel8ed reazons, and Shannon was already there. She was all, "Hey...April...howya doin'?" I was all, "OK, I guess." Shannon went on, all "April ... I ... wan...na tell ... U ... sum...thing! There's gonna ... B ... a ... tel...a...thon ... @ the mall ... w/... live ... mu...sic ... an' ... every..thing!" I was like, "I know. My so-called boyfriend is playing drums 4 Rebeccah[h]." Shan was like, "R ... U ... going?" Me: "I dunno. ...Y?" And Shannon was all, "Be...cuz... the tele...thon's 4..." Then she made a dramatic hand gesture towards a few special-needs kids who were rite outside of that learning-center room, and sed, "US!!"

Hm, so the telethon. Good cause. Who cda seen that coming?

Apes

Father's Day

Mike posted sumthing abt Father's Day, early this morning:

April,

Formerly little sis. I was sleeping soundly this Father’s Day morning and tucked comfortably into bed and wearing my usual sleeping ensemble of white t-shirt and red boxer underwear. I think I was having a dream about a place called “Snozzz” and there was scarecrow, a tin woodman, a cowardly lion, a little girl named Mud-pie, a little boy Rob-your-kin, and a Wizard called the Wonderlike Wizard of Snozzz. The wizard was sleeping one morning as the little boy and girl snuck up on him. The door guard had gone out to get a shower, a clear dereliction of duty, and the girl and boy crept into his room and leaned around the Wizard’s chest of drawers, and then…Well, then I was woken up by my son and daughter screaming “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!!!” in multi-coloured letters. I bolted upright thinking the Wizard was under attack and I think the shock of that upward movement caused my eyeballs to clink together and my lower teeth to be shown. That hurt. My daughter grabbed my shoulder so she could shriek more loudly in my ear, while my son was content to keep his distance, probably because his eye had fallen out and so he lost his sense of perspective until he recovered it.

My son jumped up and down on the end of the bed aiming for my feet (a painful kids’ game if there ever was one), I pulled my feet out of the way just in time. My daughter explained I should “Get up! Get up!” because “We made a card for you! Get up!!!” I was still holding my hand to my head when my lovely wife Deanna came back from having a shower, wearing her all pink shower ensemble.

I rose up and put on my bathrobe, still bleary from the shock of being woken up in the middle of my dream, while I removed the children from our bedroom so they would not have to see their mother naked. While I was leading them away, my daughter was assigning credit to each portion of the card they made. I believe she made the cover which had the word “DaddY” on it and a picture of a stick figure man with his arms and legs splayed apart as if he had been dropped off a building. My son did the inside, which was a miniature reproduction of a Norman Rockwell painting on Father’s Day. I was about to compliment my son on his art, when he announced he was hungry.

That request led us off to the kitchen where my children demanded two eggs over easy. As it was sizzling in the pan, with the special pan mom bought years ago that actually makes a sizzling sound when you cook even when the pan is not on the stove, my daughter decided she would try to teach Edgar the dog how to talk. She sat on the counter and repeated “Daddy, Daddy Daddy, Daddy!” to Edgar in the hope that he would repeat back what she had so articulately said. All Edgar could manage was “Bark Bark! Bark!” which, as you can tell, is not really very close. Edgar is not the brightest of dogs. The old Dixie dog was not faring much better with my son, who had removed her right front leg and her left eyeball, in order to wash them in the water in the dog dish. She begged me, while I was cooking, to retrieve her stolen items for her, but I ignored her. I knew once my son had cleaned them, he would return the eye and the leg.

After consuming the eggs, this sparked a different desire in my daughter, which I suppose had something to do with her judgment on the quality of my cooking. She hung on my arm and said, “Can we go out? Are we gonna have dinner somewhere? What’s happening today? Hum? Dad?” I hadn’t made plans for Father’s Day. Usually I let Deanna plot it out, and she was up in the bedroom, so I yelled for her. My son was also summoning Deanna in his own special, stinky diaper way, which I thought was unusual, because I thought he was potty-trained. I guess Deanna must have put him one of those overnight diapers, especially for Father’s Day.

Deanna responded to my son’s odor and when my children asked her if we were going out for dinner, she replied, “Yes, we’re going to go out for dinner.” My children exclaimed “Yaay!!” so simultaneously they shared a speech balloon between them. Deanna, freshly cleaned and dressed, picked up my son to take care of his little stench problem. Everything went dark for me, and I realized that I had been stricken by one of those roving silhouettes, which is such a problem for most Milborough residents.

Later on, dad told me the red hot spark from some of the things the kids were doing woke him up and he didn’t recognize the sight of it. He said, “Whoa. What’s going on out there?” He said Mom replied, “Your son and your grandchildren are celebrating.” To which dad replied “Oh”. because he didn’t know how the heck mom had come to that conclusion from a red hot spark appearing through a wall. Then dad said mom was affectionate to him for the first time in many months as she wished him “Happy Father’s Day.” Dad said it was the best Father’s Day he had had in a long time.

I will have to take his word for it. It took me awhile to wake up fully to enjoy mine.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Yeah, just what I wda xxpected from U, Mike.

Well, I asked Mom if I shd just give Dad his usual favourite Father's Day present--being totally left alone so he can pretend he never even had NE kids. Mom was all, "Of course, April. Do U even have 2 ask?"

Happy Father's Day, 2 all the Dads out there who deserve it!

Apes

Inevitable Pun on "Best Man"

U mite remember that Dad stopped off @ Mayes Midtown Motors recently, 2 have his car serviced. After having a convo w/Anthony, he went off 2 the restaurant. NEway, Dad sez that when he was in the restaurant having cinnamon buns and coffee, Anthony came in and joined him. Dad was all, "So, U took care of the accounting questions Julia had?" Anthony was like, "Oh, sure, it was really a simple matter after all." Then Anthony told Dad, "Julia is such a great girl, John!" Dad's face musta darkened, cuz Anthony was all, "No, w8, I know what U're thinking. I mean she's a gr8 girl b-cuz she encouraged me 2 declare myself 2 Elizabeth @ Shawna Marie's wedding!" Then Dad's face musta been all sunshine an' flowers, and Anthony told him abt how Julia was all, "As yr friend, Anthony, I've gotta tell U.... that girl U're so crazy abt still cares!" And how Anthony was like, "MayB," and Julia came back w/"What 'mayB'? Of COURSE she does! C the way she looks @ U? I think U shd make a move." Anthony told Dad abt being all, "Really?" And how while they watched the groom removing the garter from Shawna Marie's garter, w/Dawn, Liz, and Mason standing by Shawna-Marie, Julie went, "Absolutely. If U want that girl, 2day is the day 2 tell her so." Anthony was like, "But Julia, she's w/the best man!" And Julia winked @ him, all "U're better."

Dad sez that he told Anthony, "She encouraged U 2 declare yrself 2 Elizabeth and she made a pun on 'best man'? I knew I liked her! Say, give her this!" He extracted from his wallet a coupon for a free cleaning @ his dental clinic.

Jeremy, thanx again 4 getting Axel and me in2 the Fergie show @ Koolhaus. We had the most awesum time! Tho I hafta say, when Honoria asked U 2 settle once an' 4 all that rumour abt Fergie being a man in drag, I don't think that was what she had in mind!

Apes

Liz has a Pavlovian response 2 made-over Anthony

Liz wrote a bit more of what happed @ Shawna-Marie's wedding:

April,

Well, as Mason dragged me away from where Anthony and Jumbo were standing, I kept thinking about how much better looking Anthony is, now that his bristly mustache is gone, and he has new glasses, he looks so young, and vibrant, and exciting, and dashing, and manly, just like he did back in high school, and when I realized Anthony was a lot better-looking, I realized I care for him more when he is more handsome, and it was a shocking revelation, how something that is so simple could be hidden so deep inside my subconcussion.

Well then something terrible happened, I found myself suddenly not able to move, and Mason asked me if something was wrong because I stopped in my tracks, and I said, "Yes!" because my high heels sank into the lawn, and Mason rescued me, he picked me up and carried me, and someone took a picture, which I saw later, and I do not look happy in it at all, and I will tell you why, it's because Mason picked me up in his arms and slammed his chin into my face, which does not feel good at all, even when the chin in question is of a normal size, and not cartoon size like Dad and sometimes Anthony (though not Anthony right now, he has had some kind of chin reduction, which makes him look more handsome and desirable).

More later.

Liz

So Liz, all that time, did the 'stache an' bad glasses make U think Anthony was sum1 else? I agree he's looking v. diff these days, but I think he looks like a whole other person. Teen Anthony had that beak nose and receding chin.

BTW, Liz, meant 2 say yesterday. NEVER mix ammonia and bleach. That's a toxic combo. I wd say U learned that the hard way, but I have a feeling U don't know that's what made U pass out like U did.

Jeremy, sorry abt Shawna-Marie's mom canning U when U were supposta DJ the wedding. But she prolly wda ended up B-ing a total pain 2 U, eh?

Apes

Punch

Dad went 2 Mayes' Midtown Motors (aka Gordo's Garage an' Grill) 2 have his Crevasse serviced, and while he was w8ing 2 get his car back, he stopped in @ Anthony's office. Dad was all asking Anthony abt the Shawna-Marie wedding, and Anthony told him abt Julia chatting up Liz rite after the receiving line was over. Julia was all, "So, U 2 have been friends 4ever, rite? I don't know a soul here, really--except 4 the caterer. I did their books 4 a while." Just then, Anthony heard a booming male voice, all "Elizabeth!! There U R!" And along came Best-Man Mason, and Liz, turned 2 him, all "Mason!" Then Mason was like, "Come on! They're getting the bridal party 2gether 4 pictures! Let's go!" As they walked away, Mason put his hand on the small of Lizzie's back and sed, "And...I want U 2 stand as close 2 me as possible!" After they'd gone off, Julia asked Anthony if he wanted sum punch and he answered, "No thanks, Julia." Then he thot, "I've just had one." Dad sez that he gave Anthony a sad nod and congratul8ed him 4 thinking a woeful pun under a disappointing situation. And he told Anthony, "Chip chip, ol' chap, I hope U didn't give up!" And just then, Julia came in2 the office 2 ask Anthony sum accounting-rel8ed ?'s. Anthony was all, "John, U remember Julia!" And Dad was like, "Julia with 'inconvenient tooth!'" And he cracked himself up all over again. Then Anthony an' Julia went 2 the accting dept and Dad went on 2 the restaurant 4 cinnamon buns an' coffee.

Apes

Shawna-Marie Got Married

Rocks fell and everyone died! No, just kidding. Liz posted what happed next @ the Shawna-Marie wedding:

April,

Well, there was a lot of staring between me and Anthony, and it made me feel funny in my stomach, like there were butterflies in it, and the next thing I knew, the preacher said "kiss the bride," and Shawna-Marie kissed What'sHisFace, who by the way is black, I know that will make the Good Witch very happy, she always says, "Like belongs with like."

Anyway, then in the receiving line, Shawna-Marie turned into a total slut, and started kissing every man who came by on the mouth, whether he was old or white or married, it didn't matter, and it was really embarrassing, I felt bad for What'sHisName, who obviously didn't know that Shawna-Marie would turn into a skank right after saying "I do," I think she had too much champagne in the limo on the way to the ceremony.

Speaking of really embarrassing, Anthony came through the receiving line with his bookkeeper date from work, her name is Julia, and let me say, I am totally relieved to find out she is no competition at all, first, she is fat and short and ugly, kind of like a young Lovey Saltzman or Mira Sobinski, but less ethnic, and she has no class at all, she blurted out first thing that Anthony blabs on about me all the time (score!), which is not very discreet, and speaking of indiscreet, she told me Dad is her dentist, and then opened her gaping maw and showed me the hole where Dad took out a rotten tooth, it was disgusting, doesn't Julia know a proper girl only shows her tongue, teeth, and uvula when she's laughing at a pun?, it was so sad, Anthony was openly laughing at her, I wondered why he didn't just dump this fat cow when I asked him to be my date.

More tomorrow, Liz

Oh, rite, Julia from the Accounting dept @ Mayes Midtown Motors. Dad was really proud of his work on her. And I don't mean the impacted molar he removed. On the day he extracted that tooth, he came home totally stoked abt the PUN he'd made abt it. "Elly! I told her it was an inconvenient tooth! An INCONVENIENT TOOTH! I truly AM the patriarch of puns!" I don't know what Mom sed cuz I hadta go 2 the washroom and B sick over that pun.

But yeah, obvs poor Julia has proven herself unworthy. Every1 knows showing ppl their mouths and teeth (if they R not laffing @ a bad pun or yelling with unhinged jaws) proves U R backwards and shd not B allowed 2 live in Mboro.

Apes

Personal Moments and No-Stache Anthony

Liz has posted another upd8 abt Shawna-Marie's wedding:

April,

I know you have been waiting with baited breath for my next story about Shawna-Marie's wedding, and by the way, about that, you should really not have breath that smells like bait, it's a turn-off.

We were all standing at the altar at Shawna-Marie's wedding, watching her get married to whatever his name is, but instead of watching it, I was thinking about how Shawna-Marie, Dawn, and I used to talk about which one of us would get married first, well, back in the old days, Shawna-Marie and Dawn always said it would be me, because marriage is so important to Pattersons and Dawn believes in very long engagements and nobody believed that Shawna-Marie would find a man who could love a hick with a faux-Quebecois name who looks very masculine, especially when wearing a dress.

But there we were, Shawna-Marie got married on Saturday and Dawn is getting married next year and I'll be a bridesmaid in that and guess what, I don't even have a boyfriend, so fate totally turned things around from what we thought, and as I realized that, I started to get kind of misty, and I thought about how great it is we have known each other since grade school, where I was always considered way prettier than those other two, and way more likely to get a man, and how nice it is that we still share our personal moments, such as weddings, unlike other people who have been best friends since grade school but who are just not as close as me and Dawn and Shawna-Marie, and do not invite their friends to weddings.

It was just then that I started thinking about how weddings are full of very special personal moments, and I mean that in the sense of those commercials on TV for feminine products, I mean, we laughed over Shawna-Marie's underwear and I loaned Dawn a tampon at the bridesmaid's lunch, and we all heard Mrs. Verano's lecture on proper douching technique so as to be "fresh" for the wedding night, and just then, as I was thinking about douche, the most amazing coincidence happened, I spied Anthony from across the room, at least I think it was him, he didn't have a moustache, which struck me as a strange choice, but I will explain more tomorrow.

Liz

FYI, Liz, the expression is "bated breath" not "baited breath." But I'm glad I'm not the only one who associ8's "Anthony" with the word "douche."

Dunc, hope U R OK 2day. Who knew yr b-day wd end w/U b-ing treated like the doggie toy of Becky's giant dog Freyfaxi, and then carried off by the superheroine Abuja Woman (Eva's mom)? So whack! But @ least U R still 16 an' U passed yr G1, eh? Let's do a proper celebration on Friday!

Apes

Shawna-Marie's Wedding

Looks like Shawna-Marie has had her wedding. Liz posted a comment last nite 2 start telling abt it:

April,

Ha ha, I get another week, bet you're mad about that, you have to talk about me for a whole nother week, ha ha ha ha ha!

Well, the wedding was on Saturday, I didn't want to tell you about that before, I wanted to save it and surprise you about getting at least one more week to make you talk about me on your blog, but it was Saturday.

Although I was really looking forward to making you talk about me a lot, the wedding started off really boring, Shawna-Marie's mom yelled at us to hustle, which I thought was rude, I was busy helping with the flowers, all the rose petals kept falling off the petals in the centerpieces and Dawn and me had to glue the petals all back on, it was taking forever, and an accident with the Krazy Glue made one of the flowers stick to the front of my dress, it was almost a disaster, until Dawn suggested that all the bridesmaids glue a flower between their bosoms, which for some reason everyone seemed to like this idea, even though it was ugly, and it means we can never wear these dresses again, because of the big glue stain between our bosoms.

Anyway, Shawna-Marie's mom kept yapping out orders, it was so annoying, so I decided my big helpful gesture would be to bolster Shawna-Marie's self-esteem, frankly, I have never seen her look so plain as she did in her wedding dress, I think it was because she wore her hair pulled back tightly, no makeup, and a white dress that only had little spaghetti straps, she frankly looked like your friend Duncan Anderson in a dress, but I remembered my vow to be helpful, and I told her she looked beautiful and I asked her how she was holding up, after all, it can't be easy to have all your roses falling apart and also look like a man on your wedding day, and also, the dress was pretty ugly, it was all wrinkly up top, I can't remember the name for that look, but anyway, it made her look fat, and I knew she must be crushed.

But Shawna-Marie said she was holding up fine, which I was suprised but pleased to hear, but then strangely she tried to lift up her dress and show me her underwear, I just laughed at what a big hick she is, and did my job as bridesmaid and kept her from lifting up her dress on the front steps of the church or hall or wherever we were at that point, I was kind of high from the glue fumes.

Liz

So, looks as though it's gonna B another "Liz" week, like she sez. I don't mind, really, cuz there R so many worse options. It cda been Dad and the choo-choos, Mike freaking out abt owning a house, Mom being totally anal retentive abt whatevs, Gramps having issues w/his therapists or continence or false teeth, or me having hissy fits abt Ger and Becks and the band. So talking abt Liz seems OK.

Apes

Crabby no matter what

So, Mom's been packing up 4 the big move, which is pretty boring, but I was bored enuf recently 2 go up 2 her all, "Y R U packing now? U're not moving until the end of the month!" Notice I didn't say "We're not moving until the end of the month." Does that make U think I'm not moving? Mostly, I did that 2 C if Mom was paying attention, and she failed, cuz she just went all, "I like 2 B organized, April. I h8 doing things @ the last minute. If U w8 until the last minute, U get all flustered and crabby and tempers FLY!" That's when Dad came in all "Elly? U haven't C'n my spare glasses have U?" He was holding the ear piece of his glasses in 1 hand and the rest of the glasses in the other. Mom went all "snort" and "grumble" with assorted star, swirlie, Saturn, and #-sign symbols, 2, while digging thru her "Bedroom misc." box. Boring, eh? I was so bored, I'd dressed in a flourescent-lime t-shirt w/a square lavender neckline, purple pants, and belt in the same lavender shade as my neckline. My shirt showed just a hint of midriff. No1 really noticed all that, tho.

Apes

Best Man

So Liz wrote in with this:

April,

Well here is the big surprise to culmination "my week," I think I met my future husband at the rehearsal, whew, it is such a huge relief to know I won't have to be a spinster or a lesbian with a turkey baster, I can't tell you how good it feels to know I will be able to hold up tradition and make Mom happy, whew, I was really starting to worry I wouldn't get a husband (the man kind).

Liz

This morning, Liz came over 4 brekkie, cuz she was all outta cookies an' 4got 2 shop 4 more food. I was all, "So who's the guy?" Mike had just walked in2 the kitchen rite B4 that, 4raging 4 sum granola and milk 2 completely finish, so Liz was like, "U don't recognize our brother Mike?" And I rolled my eyez, all, "No, not that guy! The guy @ the wedding rehearsal. The 1 U mentioned in yr comment last nite." Liz got frowny 4 a moment, like "U R so nosy!" But then she kinda 4got 2 B pissy an' sed, "Oh, April, his name is Mason, and he's so hunky! He sort of reminds me of yr Gerald, but grown-uplike and manly! He's the best man, and he's going 2 B my escort b-cuz he doesn't have a d8 either! April, I just know this is FATE!"

Just then, Mike plunked down, with a salad-sized bowl full of granola and probably almost a whole litre's worth of milk in that, and he sed, "It's all my fault! I just realized this morning!" Liz an' I kinda looked @ ea other confused, but Mike went on, "Dad and the trains! I had a memory, when I was looking @ sum old pics of me and Brian Enjo, from rite around the time we finished grade 4. And that's when it came back 2 me." He did a dramatic pause, and looked up @ us, kinda tearful. "Keith Enjo, Brian's Dad, had model trains in his basement. This was long B4 Dad ever thot of it. After Brian showed them 2 me, I came home raving about how gr8 they were. But here's the worst part. After I'd finished telling Dad about the model trains, I sed...." He paused dramatically. "I sed, 'It must B gr8 2 have a father who's interesting!" Liz and I were both all, "OMG," and Mike nodded, saying, "Dad didn't get in2 the trains until the 1990s, girls, but I think I must have planted this idea in his head back in the 80s!" Just then, Mom walked in and sed, "Don't feel 2 bad, Mike. If it hadn't been trains, it wd have been sumthing equally stupid and childish." Then Dad came up from his workshop, wearing his choo-choo coveralls, carrying two little "train" ppl, saying, "Now, now, Edwina, quit fighting with Norman!"

Dunc, OMG, that was so messed up w/Kimmi, Zenobia, Zapata, and Eva all going after U @ that party U threw @ Eva's house. Howard, thanx 4 coming over when U called. Dunc, I'm sorry 2 hear abt the bald spot.

Apes

Moving from Milborough and Mommies

Liz posted sum more early this morning:

April,

I can't sleep so I will tell you what happened next at the rehersal, even though it is totally boring and predictable, of course Dawn came over near me so I took the opportunity to tell her a treasured Patterson family anecdote about Mike and Dee's wedding, everyone loves Patterson family anecdotes, or sane people at least, but Dawn has clearly lost it, because she interrupted to tell me about Shawna-Marie's wedding, and how it was all hassles, or something like that, I wasn't really listening too close, then Dawn said that Shawna-Marie gave up and let her mom do whatever, which sounds pretty normal to me, but I could tell Dawn didn't think so, so I said, "Whoa, haven't the bride and groom made ANY decisions on their own?" which I thought sounded pretty good, a Patterson does not like to miss an opportunity to be judgmental like this, and Dawn said yeah, they are moving away after the wedding, which just shows Shawna-Marie is plain ol' stupid--who would move away from her Mommy and Milborough?!?, crazy people, that's who, Shawna-Marie has clearly lost it.

Liz

Well, I think getting far away from Mboro and Mom sounds gr8, but I know Liz already thinx I'm crayzee, eh? I wonder where Shawna-Marie an' her new hubby wanna go?

Apes

Shawna-Marie's Wedding Rehearsal

Another comment from Liz, posted last nite:

April,

I know you will be sorry to hear that just as I thought my seduction of Candace was working out, I remembered I was supposed to be at Shawna-Marie's wedding rehersal, sheesh, brides can be so demanding, anyway, I asked Candace if she wanted to go to the rehersal as my date, but of course she had to act like she's all allergic to weddings, of course that will change if I decide she is The One and that we are going to get married, ha!

Anyway, at the rehersal, Shawna-Marie had the traditional fight with her mother, which of course I approve of, upholding tradition is important, but of course Shawna-Marie was in the wrong, she wanted to go down the aisle to some pop love song, you know, Mom is always quick to call Shawna-Marie "that Quebecois hillbilly" and even though I usually defend Shawna-Marie, Mom is right, walking down the aisle to a pop song is pretty white trashy, which is funny because Shawna-Marie isn't white, but I guess if you grow up in Milborough you are pretty white bread even if you're "colored in with the brown crayon," which before you get pissy, I understand is the most up-to-date PC term for being black, at least according to the Milborough Town Bylaws, anyhow, like I was saying, Shawna-Marie was trying to choose between two modern songs, and they weren't even good ones, you know, I favor music that goes BOOM THWACKA WHACKA BOOM and "wrap" music, but Shawna-Marie, being a hillbilly, likes country music, which will make her wedding totally lame if she uses it, well, Shawna-Marie's mom started yelling, something about love and weddings not going together, and I looked at Dawn and we rolled our eyes, because we totally know how ridiculous Shawna-Marie is being, weddings are about TRADITION and PLEASING YOUR MOTHER, after all. Cheeze.

Liz

Hey, Liz, it must B nice 2 C Dawn after all this time. How's she doing? And R U the maid of honour? U mentioned 2 me that Shawna-Marie had U in the front of the line of bridesmaids. Poor Shawna-Marie, even her own mother uses that "Quebecois Hillbilly" moniker on her. Tho I noticed that 4 sum reason Mom got Steph 2 take the reference 2 Shawna-Marie being Argentine out of her profile on Mom's website. Weird, she did the same thing 4 Beatrice Alfarero's profile. Now Bea just has "a colourful past." I wonder what's up w/that. Oh, well, never mind.

Edit: Whoops, I just found out it's the other way around. Maid of honour is @ the end of the line, rite B4 the bride. Sorry abt yr rank, Liz!

Apes

4 Mom or Not 4 Mom?

Here's the l8est from Liz, who posted last nite:

April,

Well, I don't care if you and your stupid friends don't want to read about it, it's my week and I am going to tell you the rest of my story about trying to seduce Candace into being my husband, and you are going to print it in your blog whether you like it or not, got it?

Well next I asked Candace whether she thought she would ever marry Rudy, which was me hinting around to find out how things were going with them, after all maybe Candace had broke up with him and not told me, after all I didn't tell her about Paul being a cheating cheater cheat for months and months after I found out, but drat, no, she said she liked things how they were between them like they already were, which I gathered must mean pretty good, but then Candace said something bizarre about being "legally responsible" for her relationship with Rudy, which can't be good, I mean, I figure that means there is something illegal about what they are doing together and one of them is going to be brought up on charges, which made me feel renewed hope, if Candace and/or Rudy is going to get arrested for whatever sick and depraved sex acts they do together, then I have a chance.

So I mentioned that public declarations of love are traditional, and that made Candace say something about how she would never "cram her bones" into a flouncy white dress for tradition, which made me extremely happy, because in my imagination picture of our wedding, she is going to be the groom and will naturally wear the tuxedo, and I will be in the flouncy white dress, which of course has been my dream ever since I was a tiny girl.

But, at that moment, I could feel Candace gazing at me, and the gaze felt kind of heated, and I don't just mean in a friendship kind of way, but in a sexy marriage sort of way, so in order to impress Candace, who I know does not care too much about weddings, I said I would wear the flouncy white dress, but just because it would make Mom happy, which of course is a lie, but what is courtship, except a series of lies you tell a person in order to convince them to marry you? At that point, I felt things were moving along really good on my seduction plan.

Oh, and Mike, if I marry Candace, I will definitely be having babies from a turkey baster, why on earth would you think I would give up on babies, which are the whole reason for marriage in the first place, sheesh and double cheeze!

Liz

Don't worry 2 much abt Mike, Liz. U know he's totally clueless and can barely keep track of how he managed 2 have kids of his own. Oh, and speaking of Mike? He got in2 1 of his "reminiscing" moods, looking @ the old foto albums from the "whatnot" cabinet? And he came across sum pics of U the summer after U finished kindergarten, rite after Anne and Steve Nichols's baby Leah had been born. And Mike remembered that Mom had been talking abt how Richard and Christopher suddenly had 2 share a bedroom cuz Leah needed her own room. And U BEGGED Mom 2 give U a baby sister, and sed "she can share my room!" Mom laffed an' sed Liz musta given her the idea, and it only took her until 1990 B4 she actually got preggers. Mike chuckled and sed it's the Patterson way 2 take a long time 2 do things. 'Course, @ the time, Mom just yelled @ Liz, all, "Y can't U just nag me 4 a ghetto blaster, like every1 else?!?"

Apes

Liz demands equal time!

Liz wrote in last nite with:

April,

I am more than a little upset that even though it is "my week," you and your stupid idiot no good friends do not want to talk about me, or Shawna-Marie's very interesting wedding, or my dress, or my basement apartment, or my attempted lesboid seduction of Candace who after all has long been known to harbor lesbotic tendencies and a salacious lesbacious love for me, if that isn't interesting, I don't know what is.

Anyway, Candace asked me if I was going to the wedding with Anthony, and I said no, he asked some other girl, and Candace helpfully pointed out that I was going alone, and that gave me a perfect opportunity to make some meaningful looks at her while I made myself sound as desperate as possible while I talked all about how great it would be to go to the wedding alone, which Candace should know is secret code for, "Please ask me out," because Candace has known me forever and knows that I will usually go to extraordinarious lengths to secure a date so I don't do the "loser" thing and show up alone.

In fact, to show my seriousness about being willing to commit to her, when I ate a whole bag of cookies over coffee, I shared the cookies with Candace, and Candace ate the cookies, and I looked at her expectantly, because surely Candace knows Pattersons well enough to know that if they are willing to give you some of their baked goods they could of eaten themselves, they must harbor a deep love for you in the very black depths of their souls, so I gazed at Candace lovingly, but all she did was gobble cookies while talking about how all you need to get married is a minister and your intended spouse, which just showed me Candace is not yet totally aware of the ways of Pattersons, because everyone knows that Pattersons think you need to have at least two weddings, one real and one fake, and two wedding dresses, one a hideous brown sweater dress and one a high-fashion creation commissioned by the Good Witch of the North herself, so I knew then I would have to try harder to seduce Candace, because she seemed quite clueless even after at least 15 years of knowing Pattersons, how disappointing.

Liz

Aw, Liz, it's only Tuesday. I'm sure we'll fit it lots of talking abt U an' Candace an' Shawna-Marie's wedding. But I heard that Candace is going 2 the wedding as Rudy as her d8. Sum ppl saw them shopping 4 a wedding gift and having sum discussion abt not want 2 get a gift they considered "boring" or "obvious" like a blender or a fondue set. And Rudy was saying sumthing abt how they shd just check Shawna-Marie's gift registries, and Candace was saying that wd take out the fun and surprise. Then they talked abt what they wd wear and whether they shd have a secret code 2 let ea other know when the reception was getting boring so they cd make their xxcuses and leave.

Jeremy, thanx 4 giving me an' Axel sum "private time" last nite. He was seriously bummed abt hockey, but I think I managed 2 cheer him up!!!

Apes

Bridesmaid dresses

Liz sez that Candace came by Liz's new apt recently, and was all, "I thought U weren't gonna go 4 a basement apt, Liz." And Liz was all, "I was in a rush, it was available, the rent's OK, it's close 2 work and it's furnished." And Candace was like, "Then, it's...cozy." Isn't "cozy" real-estate language for "small"? NEway, when Liz was showing Candace the bedroom, Candace noticed the bridesmaid dress (for Shawna-Marie's wedding) on the bed, and was all, "Is this the dress?" And lest sum1 C a B/W pic of the dress and colour it in wrong, Liz was like, "Yeah. I'm violet, Dawn is aqua, Alyssa is yellow and Jen is green." Candace was all, "...A veritable pastel rainbow!" Liz held up the dress in front of her and sed, "It's so we can all show up @ sum function l8r...wearing the same dress, and no1 will know we were bridesmaids." Then Liz held the dress @ arms' length, so she an' Candace cd both look @ it, and @ the same time, they both went, "Yeah. Right."

Apes

NO!

There's something abt Gramps's home healthcare workers going over 2 the apt 2 massage him and help him w/sum xxercises. There's sumthing abt him thinking he'd like 2 B 30 when one of them asks if there's NEthing else he'd like B4 his bath. But NO! I'm not gonna.

Hm, Dunc, so U think I shd go permanent w/the tatts an' piercing an' hair colour, eh? MayB I will. MayB sumtime after September. Oh, and I don't want 2 tell U 2 beat up Ger. But, y'know, if U happen 2 B mad @ him and work it out in yr own "guy" way? Well, I wdn't try 2 stand in yr path.

Not 2 harsh on Eva or NEthing, but it sounds like those lyrics she gave U? R from that song in the musical Oklahoma, "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," but changing "beautiful morning" 2 "beautiful evening."

Apes

P.S. Congrats on yr award and gift cert. Need help spending that Horny T's $?

Professional Brat

Yeah, so after I had that hallway convo w/Ger, where it sounded like I coulda mayB dumped him, but mayB I was just saying I hoped Becky cd only stand him 4 one nite so he'd come back 2 me? Eva, Dunc, and Luis, of course, heard abt everything betw then and lunch, so when we were w8ing in line 4 our food, Eva was all, "April, if U and Gerald Rn't speaking 2 each other, what's gonna happen 2 the band?" And I was like, "I dunno." Luis sed, "U gotta think of the rest of us, man. U're lead guitar!" And I sed, "We'll continue on a professional level." Then we all sat, and I sed, "When U're on a professional level, U don't hafta B 'friends.' U can just concentr8 on the music. So--everything will B totally professional from now on." Then Ger came along, all "Mind if I have lunch w/U guys?" And I did another "Hmph!" When he sat, I got up, all, "Mind if I leave?" And Luis was like, "Cool move there, April! .....Very professional." I guess this is Y we made that "no d8ing in the band" rule all those years ago.

NEway, since Ger ran out an' boinked Becky the second he thot we mite possibly B broken up, I went out w/Axel Hibobbery last nite. He is so cube! He's a drummer, and he kinda looks like Anthony Kiedis, but taller. He works @ the music store in downtown Mboro, and gigs w/his band all around the area. He has a really cube loft, also downtown. So we went 2 that new goth-alternative club in Mboro, Bleakhaus, and we had the most awesome time! Dancing w/him was just, like electric or something! Then jamming w/his friends @ his loft was just xxtra cube!

Apes

How long do I have 2 stand MYSELF?

The other day, when I was in a big ol' pissy mood cuz Ger was gonna B playing drums 4 Becky's telethon gig, I was putting my blazer in2 my locker when Ger was all, "I dunno Y U're so ticked @ me, man! I was just kidding around when I told the guys abt 'party nite.'" And I was all, "Nothing 'happened' that nite, Gerald, and U KNOW it, but--U let ppl think..." He put a hand on my shoulder and sed, "HEY!! Relax! We're a couple! Remember?" And he looked so cute and earnest, I wanted 2 kiss him and just make up, but I cd hear that Witch of Corbeil voice being all "NO! HE IS NOT WORTHY! HE CONSORTS WITH THE ENEMY!" And so I was all, "I don't THINK so! --U lied abt me...an' now U're gonna play drums 4 Becky!" I was looking down @ sum books an' papers I was holding, so I cd have an xxcuse 4 the smug, closed-eyes Patterson look as I sed that last bit. Ger came back w/"But...that's a one-night stand!" And the Witch voice boomed, "WORDPLAY! U MUST MAKE A PUN ON ONE-NITE STAND!" So I looked over my shoulder and left him this stoopid parting shot: "Good!....I hope she can only stand U 4 one nite."

OMG, I think I broke up w/Ger!

Apes