Mom and Connie use "horse" metaphors

It had been a while since Mom and Connie sat around sipping hot beverages and being annoying, so Connie came over, Mom made coffee, and they sat @ the kitchen table 2 gab.

I cd hear Connie say, "I'm so jealous, Elly! U're going 2 B a 'mother of the bride'! ...I'll never C Lawrence married. Not in a conventional way. Oh, he and Nicholas cd tie the knot, but it wdn't B the same. No white dress, no tossing the bouquet." Hrm, even if Lawrence were str8, Connie wdn't B the mother of the bride in that wedding. Tho I guess when her stepdaughters, Molly and Gayle, got married, they were chopped liver. Poor Francie, if she gets married sumday, will Liz not think that "counts"?

NEway, Mom jumped in w/"Still...Just knowing that yr child has found the rite partner is wonderful. They're settled. The circle is complete." The circle is complete? Wha? I peeked in and saw that Mom was looking esp. uggo when she sed that. She almost looked wall-eyed when she did. And her eyes also looked way 2 wide open. Connie went in2 silhouette 2 say, "Yes..."

Then Mom and Connie traded, so Mom was in silhouette and Connie wasn't, and Connie continued, "I'm happy 2 hand the reins over 2 the next generation." And Mom was like, "Me, 2...." Then Mom got outta silhouette 2 say, "....As long was we still own the horses!!" Connie looked kinda horselike when she laffed @ that. Wow, so is Mom a control freak or what? What does her "joke" mean--she wants 2 control her kids, like, 4evs? Is this like when Mom sold Lilliput's 2 Moira but made a pt of saying she still held the mortgage on the bldg? I'm a bit scared thinking abt what-all this means.

OTOH, Mom obvs is in a hurry 2 get rid of me. MayB once I'm @ uni, she'll 4get me so completely, I won't even B xxpected 2 come home 4 school breaks, like Mike and Liz did.

Thanks 4 yr nice words yesterday, Anon NYC. I try 2 B "real."

Apes

Celebrations

K, so guess what happened yesterday? Mom was going thru sum old calendars and she suddenly was all, "Oh, Crud! We 4got all abt my dad's birthday!" I'm like, "What's this 'we'? Jeremy and I went 4 a visit on his b-day and he was so happy 2 C us!" Mom was like, "Well, John, we have to go 2nite!" Dad was all, "Aw, can't U go by yrself? I'm supposta have a train d8 2nite!" Mom sed, "No! I'm making Dad a roast beef and ordering a cake from the bakery, and U're coming w/me!"

Dad asked if they were getting a special "belated" birthday cake, and Mom kind of snorted B4 saying, "Heck, no! We'll just pretend 2day's his birthday. He won't know the difference!" I started 2 argue that he wd, but Mom hushed me.

So, according 2 Mom and Dad, they drove over 2 Gramps an' Iris's bldg, as Mom's casserole dish containing the roast beef emitted its stench aroma. Visibly. The smell trail made a big line stretching from the car all the way 2 the bldg, and when Mom and Dad went in2 the apt, Mom and Iris air-kissed while Mom was like, "Hello, Iris!" And Iris was all, "Welcome, welcome!"

Gramps was sleeping in his favourite chair, and Iris woke him by saying, "Jim! Elly and John R here. They've brot us a lovely roast beef dinner." As far as I know, Iris had not looked inside the dish and was going on Mom's propaganda about the "lovely."

As Mom lifted the lid 2 let the smell have completely free reign from the dish, Iris did her "narrating" thing and told Mom, "This is wonderful, dear. Yr dad is so pleased 2 C U!" Then, during a silent interval, Iris got the table set and every1 seated @ the table. Gramps sat @ the head of the table, Dad @ the foot, and Mom in the middle of one side. Iris served the food, and then went over 2 Gramps and sed, "Let me cut that 4 U, Jim." She sat @ the corner of the table near his left hand, and was all, "Here. Use yr special fork."

After the dinner was over, Mom was helping Iris clear the table and asked Iris, "Does Dad know what the occasion is?" Poor Iris, always being expected 2 B Gramps's interpreter. Iris told her, "I'm not sure, dear." Then she went over 2 the cake box, which was on the kitchen counter, and lifted the box while saying, "But that's OK. All that matters is that he's still here w/us." Then, in another silent interval, Iris put the cake on a big serving tray, stuck a single candle in it, lit the candle, carried it over 2 Gramps (who was in his favourite chair again) and sed, "Which makes EVERY day a celebration." Gramps smiled, cuz, CAKE.

L8r, Iris called me and sed, "April, dear, yr mother was concerned abt whether Gramps knew what occasion we were celebrating. I came up w/a homily abt how every day is a celebration since Jim is still here w/us. But really, of course he didn't know what the occasion is. It was eight days after his birthday. Jim may be old and aphasic, but he knows when his goshdarned birthday is! My goodness, this all just makes me even more thankful that U and Jeremy came by on his real birthday. He had no trouble knowing why U were there!"

So there U have it. Mom and Dad celebrated Gramps's birthday. Eight days l8. Woot.

Apes

I agree with Mike--Check forecasts for Hades Freezing Over

Mike has sum more 2 share abt when he, Dee, and Liz went 2 C Gramps while Liz was wearing the Magical Mystery Wedding Dress:

April,

Formerly little sis. Continuing my story of my important part in helping Elizabeth secure the permission of Grandpa Jim to let her wear Grandma Marian’s old wedding dress. Deanna and I stood in the corner. Then we turned into silhouettes. Then we went into the kitchen to see if there was something to eat. Fortunately, Iris always has a little something lying about. Deanna and I had at it.

In the meantime, Elizabeth decided to launch into a series of “Yes and No” questions, and she was fortunate that Grandpa Jim was in his “Yes” mood. Who knows if he actually meant “Yes”, but at least he didn’t start saying “Boxcar” or swearing like he usually does when I visit.

What did Liz ask him? Let me see. I believe it was, “You do remember this dress, don’t you, Grandpa?” He responded with “Aaahhh…yesss, yes.”

Then Liz said, “Anthony and I have decided to get married.—Would it be OK with you if I wore Grandma Marian’s dress?” He responded with, “Ohh…yesss!”

Then Liz said, “Thank you.” and she leapt to the ground at Grandpa Jim’s feet and grabbed his arms so vigorously, I thought she was going to pull him out of his wheelchair. I think Iris did too, and she started to pull Liz off Grandpa Jim while she was saying, “Elizabeth, it will make him so happy to see you walk down the aisle in that dress!” Clever woman, trying to make sure she and and Grandpa Jim get invitations to the wedding.

Then she grabbed Grandpa Jim’s arm and said, “You will be happy…won’t you Jim.” This is just to remind everyone that Grandpa Jim has been doing the depression thing ever since he had a stroke. So, Iris was trying to extract a promise for him to be in a good mood at the wedding, and not his usual, swearing, cranky cuss.

Then, as I predicted, Grandpa Jim thought “We were so happy” and managed to generate a thought bubble with him and Grandma Marian in it from their wedding day. I decided to take a look at it; because I was looking forward to being overwhelmed with a sense of romance and grandparently nostalgia. I thought I might even shed a tear, just like those people who drink coffee with mom.

I turned to my lovely wife Deanna and said, “Who the heck is that woman? And why doesn’t her dress look like the one Elizabeth is wearing? The flow of the skirt is wrong. The material around her chest is different. Grandma Marian wore glasses. They didn’t have contact lenses back in 1946. What is that weird stuff coming out of the back of her head? Oh my god, Deanna. Grandpa Jim was married to some other woman than Grandma Marian?”

Deanna said, “Don’t be an idiot, Mike. That’s Grandma Marian.” I said to Deanna, “It most certainly is not. Grandma Marian in her wedding dress looks like this. Why has no one told me that Grandpa Jim was married 3 times?”

Deanna said, “Shut up, Mike! That’s Marian.” I said, “Deanna. I’ve gone along with this charade long enough. That’s not Grandma Marian. Grandpa Jim can’t even thought balloon the same dress right in front of him that Liz is wearing. He’s thinking of some other woman and some other wedding.” Deanna said, “Oh, Mike. Somewhere out there is someone looking at this thought balloon and weeping for the memory of their grandparents on their wedding day. Doesn’t that make it all worthwhile?”

I said, “Only if they are complete, brainless idiots.” Sorry, April, but the idea that Grandpa Jim would thought balloon a different woman than Grandma Marian has set me on edge. It’s one thing for him to ignore Iris, but to ignore Grandma Marian is beyond the pale.

Love,
Michael Patterson

OMG, U guyz! I agree w/Mike abt sumthing! Yeah, that is totally NOT Grandma Marian's dress, and I M totally wondering if sum1 has implanted sum false memoriez in Gramps's brain. And notice when he was asked if he remembered that dress he sed, "yes," but no1 confirmed that he remembered it as Grandma M's dress! What else cd he B remembering it from, eh?

This is all v. disturbing.

Apes

Ew

Mike has more 2 say abt when Liz came by 2 show off her ring and Dee got her 2 try on the crawl-space wedding gown:

April,

Formerly little sis. Continuing my story about my part in the day where Liz tried on Grandma Marian’s dress for the first time. We were in our kitchen, my wife Deanna, Liz and me. Liz had on the Grandma Marian dress and was extending the front part of the dress by holding it with each of her hands. She could have fit a lot of people under that dress. So, I picked this moment to say, “Whoa! Gram’s wedding dress fits you like a glove!” My wife Deanna shot me an evil look and she said, “It was meant to be, Liz!---You should wear it!” As you know, April, our sister is obsessed with that fate stuff, so Deanna was really pushing her buttons with the “meant to be” line.

Liz went to look at the dress in the mirror and out of nowhere, this extra piece of material showed up on the back of the dress to make a big ruffle. I could have sworn it wasn’t there yesterday. While she was looking in the mirror, Deanna grabbed the neck of the dress to pull the material back, so Liz couldn’t see that Grandma Marian had a little more up front to fill out the dress than Liz does. While she was standing in front of the mirror, Liz said, “I wonder what Grandpa would think if I decided to wear it. I should ask him first.” Get this, April. Liz didn’t want to take the dress over to Grandpa Jim’s apartment and show him on a later date, after calling in advance to see if he was awake. She wanted to go right then and there, while she was still wearing the dress, and Deanna and I had to come with her. Deanna was dumbfounded, but not so dumbfounded that she forgot to call you to come over and take care of the kids. You weren’t there, but it’s the thought that counts, and the fact that the kids had not killed each other or burnt down the house when we got back.

The whole way over to Grandpa Jim’s, Liz was saying, “He probably won’t remember what her dress looked like. …It was such a long time ago. Grandpa Jim’s memory is pretty bad anyway. Even if he does remember the dress, he can’t say anything about it because of that 'faze yuh' thing he has. But what if he decides he doesn’t want me to wear it and he wants to snuggle with it like a blanket. That would be too gross. He already has those pictures of Grandma Marian, Iris put beside his bed. Darn her! He might have forgotten about Grandma Marian, if it weren’t for those pictures.”

Then when we finally got there, Iris got Grandpa Jim ready, and Liz walked in the door with the dress on. I said to Deanna, “Look. There’s a picture of Grandpa Jim and Grandma Marian in her wedding dress on the mantle. Grandpa Jim’s not going to think this is Grandma Marian’s dress Liz is wearing. He is going to call your bluff.” Deanna just said, “Michael. You should not ever underestimate what a lecher your grandfather is. He will say whatever it takes to be able to grab a young girl.” Sure enough, Grandpa Jim reached out toward Liz and his arm got longer and longer as Liz said, “Or…perhaps it all feels like yesterday” which I suppose was her somewhat punny reference to the idea that Grandpa Jim was trying to feel her.

More tomorrow, April. Will Grandpa Jim let Liz wear the dress? Will he figure out it’s not really Grandma Marian’s dress? Will he figure out that Liz is not Grandma Marian? Will he get confused about seeing Liz in a wedding dress and assume that she already got married without telling him? Or will Grandpa Jim have a series of vivid, emotion-packed, thought balloons remembering Grandma Marian wearing the same dress Liz was wearing? For the answers to these questions, check in tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

If Gramps starts having thot bubbles like that, I'll bet it will B cuz sum1 implanted him w/false memories. I read an article abt that once. I wonder who wd go 2 all that trub 2 give Gramps False Memory Syndrome?

Jeremy, sorry my Grandma Marian brot the Leafs bad luck last nite. I never wda thot she'd B a Bruins fan.

Apes

Marian's Magical Dress

So, Liz included Mike and Dee in her "I'm engaged" telling tour a lil while back, and here's what he has 2 say abt that:

April,

Formerly little sis. Liz might write you about the next part of her story. But since it involves me, I thought I would write it up; so it’s not all about her. After she came to visit mom and then came to visit you in your bedroom to show you her ring and cast aspersions on your matrimonial plans, the next logical step would have been for her to have a conversation with dad. However, she decided to visit Deanna and me instead. This was on a completely different day from the day she visited mom and visited you and we had been forewarned she might come to see us to show off her ring eventually. Mom specifically told me to make a fuss over her ring, because no one had done that yet. Mom was quite right that this ring is pretty much the exact opposite of the type of ring that Anthony’s ex-wife Thérèse was sporting during their marriage. Nevertheless, I put on a game face and as I held my sister’s hand said, “Whooo! Nice ring, sis!” That’s sounds somewhat complimentary doesn’t it? Deanna didn’t think so. After Liz left she was all over me for being so sarcastic in my ring-complimenting.

Anyway, Deanna said that thanks to my lame complimenting, she had to distract Elizabeth before she would realize what I had done and started to get upset. If you remember back from late February, when my wife was crawling through the crawl space in our house and found Grandma Marian’s wedding dress, Deanna took it to the cleaners and had it placed in one of those boxes with the window on top. She pulled it out to show Liz and she said, “This is your Grandma Marian’s wedding dress. I found it in the crawl space and I had it cleaned.” Liz didn’t say anything like what I would have expected like, “Why didn’t you give this dress to mom?” or “What was this dress doing in the crawl space in the first place?” or “Cheeze, how could this dress possibly have lasted over 60 years?” Instead she reached out and touched the window on the box and patted it. She did this enough times, where Deanna had to say, “It’s a window covered in plastic, and that’s why your hand isn’t going through.”

Then Deanna handed the dress over to Liz, who took it out of the box. Deanna said, “Try it on!” Liz said, “Should I?” And you know, April, this habit of asking permission at every step of the way, Liz has picked up from Anthony Caine is pretty annoying. So, I said, “Sure!!” in order to convince her to do it and move things along.

With Deanna’s help, Elizabeth did try on the dress, right there in the kitchen. Deanna was bent down touching Liz’s leg through the bottom fluffy part of the dress, muttering things like, “With these fat legs and huge butt, it’s a good thing this part of the dress has plenty of room.” Liz was trying to find a pocket on the dress with her left hand and she said, “I don’t know about this, guys…it doesn’t feel quite right.” I asked, “Why?” and naturally Liz went to a thought bubble to answer the question instead of telling me. It was then I got really confused. Back last February, when Deanna found this dress, I could have sworn it had solid material for sleeves and not these gauzy sleeves Liz was wearing. And also, I don’t remember the dress being low cut in the front. I said to Deanna, “This doesn’t look like the same dress.” Deanna just hissed at me in that low voice she has which almost always means danger if I don’t do what she says. She hissed, “Shut your flapping gob, Michael Patterson. It’s Grandma Marian’s dress and I will hurt you if you dare to suggest to Liz it is not.”

Deanna’s visage of anger was too unpleasant for me to look at, so I looked at Liz and read her thought bubble. It said, “Gram….I feel like I should be asking for your permission!” And of course I thought, “Cheeze. It’s the asking permission thing again. Visits with Liz and Anthony are going to be really annoying if this keeps up.”

That’s about it for this part, April. There will be more tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Funny thing--Dee snapped a pic of Liz in that dress and e-mailed it 2 me. That dress does NOT look like what Marian has on in Grandpa Jim's wedding pics. Plus, like Mike sez above, it doesn't look like how it did when Dee found it in the crawl space. Which makes me wonder how Mike "recognized" it from the wedding pix. Magical dress, eh, Dee?

Liz wrote me this:

April, I saw what Mike wrote about my visit there, and I want to add some things. First, he forgot to say how I was glowing because I'm so happy to be engaged. He's supposed to be a writer, and writers are supposed to say that kind of thing about their sister when she gets engaged! He should have mentioned that I looked beautiful in that dress, and it was like the dress had been made for me!

Also, Anthony has showed me that asking permission is just good manners. Mike should spend more time with Anthony so he can improve his manners!

I would add more, but I still have to finish grading those tests I was supposed to turn in four weeks ago, and my students' parents get pissy when I turn them in a month late.

Liz

And now U R all up 2 d8, 4 now.

Apes

Lizzie Should Know!

So, Liz musta realized she hadn't shown off her ring 2 me yet, so she made a special trip 2 do so. I'd been sitting on my bed reading, so Liz plunked herself on the bed and stuck out her left ring finger.

I was like, "So, can I B a bridesmaid?" I dunno what I was thinking, since Liz is all abt "revenge" dresses 4 her bridesmaids, but Liz was like, "Sure--when the time comes." Rite, as if this is gonna B sum super-long engagement. I was like, "Can I try on yr ring?" This was mostly 2 mess w/Liz, cuz I was sure she'd say "NO!" But she didn't, so I tried it on. Then I held out my hand and practiced my smug, closed-eyed look while saying, "Cool.... Someday, in the far distant future, I'm gonna get married, 2..." Then I opened my eyes, held my hand up higher, and sed, "Sumwhere, there's a guy out there who totally has no idea that he's gonna wind up w/ME!"

That was just really my way of saying I don't hafta follow the whole childhood-sweetheart pattern she and Mike did. But Liz's response, as she snatched back her ring and put it on, was, "...Ignorance is bliss." Can U believe that? I don't think I'd dun NEthing 2 deserve that. But Liz is all abt being ignorant, so I guess she experiences bliss a whole lot.

Apes

Now I'm Dad's "One 2 Go"?!?!

Do U ever get the distinct impression yr parents have been trying 2 get rid of U? I guess it shdn't B news 4 me, mine have had times when they even 4get they have a 3rd kid, and R all patting themselves on the back that "both" of their kids have reached adulthood and everything. (Tho there R ppl who argue on what kind of "adults" they R.)

So, Dad didn't get the news abt Liz an' Anthony's engagement until supper of that day those 2 came by and told Mom. I didn't eat w/them cuz Jeremy and I had already eaten our dinner @ the Garden of Eden restaurant. Mom and Dad were serving themselves from the stove, buffet style. Mom kinda told Dad in passing that Liz and Anthony had come by 2 announce their engagement. Then, as Mom was abt 2 sit w/her plate and Dad was standing @ the stove having loaded up his, Dad sed, "That's gr8 news, hon. --I think Elizabeth's made a wise choice." "Elizabeth's made a wise choice"? What R U talking abt, marriage or mutual funds?

Dad sat down, and he started 2 feed himself w/his eyes closed. He thinx that's more of a challenge than keeping his eyes open. Mom sed, "Married. Sigh. I'm afraid I'm going 2 cry @ the ceremony. I did @ Michael's wedding. I know it's just a tradition, a formality... the real moment of truth is when the actual decision is made. But... seeing yr children walk down the aisle and take those vows gives U an overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment, doesn't it, John." That was a st8ment, not a question. And Y wd THAT give a parent a sense of pride and accomplishment? I mean, I can understand having that feeling at graduations and award ceremonies, but weddings? I can C b-ing emotional that yr kid has found a loving partner who wants to make a public declaration of commitment and all, but Y "pride and accomplishment"?

NEway, as I was walking by, blowing a bubble even tho my mouth had temporarily disappeared, and texting a message 2 Jeremy while I had headfones on, Dad's answer was, "Uh-huh..." And then with a cheekful of food, like sum friggin' hamster, he added, "...2 down and one 2 go." What the HECK? I haven't even turned SEVENTEEN yet and he's fantasizing abt marrying me off? Y? Does he figure he gets rid of the "burden" of having 2 provide 4 me NEmore? Gah.

Sorry I stopped commenting last nite. After being all mad @ my mom, like Jeremy described, I was reading Maus by Art Spiegelman and lost track of time.

Apes

Mom's reaction was usual

So a few wks ago, after they got the ring, Liz and Anthony came by our lil house and Liz xxtended her left hand 2 show Mom her ring. I was watching from the next room, but I didn't want 2 let on. So when I get 2 the part where I "find out" abt the engagement, it will B me acting all surprised. ::yawn::

NEway, Mom was looking really ugly, like sum 3rd-rate artist who didn't care @ all had been hired 2 draw her. And when she saw Lizzie's ring, she was all, "U're engaged!!! U're finally ENGAGED!!!" "Finally." Like this whole thing was inevitable and it was just a question of "when." Which I guess is true. Sad but true. As Anthony receded in2 silhouette, Mom threw her arms around Liz and yelled, "I'm so pleased, honey! I was hoping that you and Anthony wd get 2gether!" I was thinking, "No shizz, like that hasn't been obvious since, like, 4evs." Like even when Anthony was engaged and then married 2 sum1 else, and even when that sum1 else was xxpecting his baby, Mom was all lobbying 4 Liz 2 get w/him.

After she finished hugging Liz, Mom hugged Anthony. She was like, "Oh my gosh! We've got a wedding 2 plan 4!!" And Liz was all, "Mom!..." Then Mom disengaged from Anthony (who had retreated in2 silhouette again), Liz put a hand on each of Mom's upper arms and sed, "Mom! We're not planning NEthing, YET!... Let's just take this one step @ a time!!" But it was 2 l8. Mom had a thot bubble of Liz wearing a wedding gown and veil, holding a bouquet and going down a weird Escher-looking staircase. Hm, a staircase like that, Liz wd never make it down. We hafta find the hall that has those stairs!

Well, more on this later. MayB I'll get 2 the part where I act all surprised. And mayB Dad even got wrenched away from his trains 2 hear the news. Tune in and C!

Dunc, thanx 4 yr "Happy Easter" comment last nite. It was way weird not having U around 4 Easter this yr. I hope we go 2 the same uni!

Apes

Happy Easter, Sorry About the Flashback

I wish I cd say I have new content 4 U 2day, but I can't. It's time 4 another reminiscence from Mike. Here goes:

April,

Formerly little sis. I remember just last year when my wife, my mother and my daughter went to church in Milborough all together for the first time on Easter. I had thought it was going to be an experience like I had remembered growing up, but it wasn't that way at all. If you recollect, my daughter was bored and restless and asked the question, "When do they get to the part where Jesus meets the Easter bunny?" Things had certainly changed since the time when I used to go to church with mom and dad and Lizzie.

I was thinking about that time back in 1980, which is possibly my first Easter memory. Dad was wearing a suit jacket that was way too small for him, and he was carrying Lizzie in one arm, while Lizzie was reaching her right hand out to dad’s chest because...hum!... I don't know why. The mysterious reasoning of babies, I suppose. As for me, mom was squatting down in order to button my shirt up to my neck in preparation for a necktie. Neither Lizzie nor I were making a fuss, which was unusual for us; but I think it was because we knew that day was a special day.

As mom led me into the church by the hand, I marveled at the beautiful stained glass in the church depicting a scene of a mother carrying a baby in her arms and both them with big sliced-up, circular things around their heads, kind of like pieces of pie. There was a man in a robe in the front and a choir behind him singing. The music was very beautiful and we took our seats, mom and Lizzie in front of dad and me, because there wasn’t much space to sit. Little Lizzie looked back at me with a smile on her face, which was either due to the music or it was due to messing her diaper. I am not sure which one; but I do know that shortly after that we were all sitting together on the same seat. I can’t quite remember why we did that.

However I do remember Lizzie chewed on a chew ring and I snuggled up to mom and dad crossed his arms so his elbow was stuck in my back. Despite this discomfort there was a smile on my face as I heard the man saying the words I remember to this day, "For Easter is not a time for sadness, but a time for rejoicing. Just as Spring awakens sleeping flowers and animals after a long cold winter, so Easter awakens us to the wonders and the love all around..." What a wonderful talk. I love it when people talk about flowers and sleeping animals.

After it was over, mom was putting on my outdoor jacket and as she did I said to her, "Is church open every Sunday, mom?" She replied, "Yes, Michael." as she pulled my jacket sleeves over my shirt.

This got me to thinking. Beautiful music. Beautiful stained glass. Great talks about sleeping animals and flowers and being happy. I could really get used to a place like this. So I said to mom, "Then how come we only come twice a year?" Unfortunately, I said that to mom right in front of dad and the guy wearing the robe, so the rest of the day was not as much fun. I guess they were a little embarrassed by that, because they liked people to think they went more often.

Last year, when we took little Meredith, I had this hope and expectation that she would be as impressed by Easter at a church as I was back in 1980. But it wasn't the same. The man in the robe kept talking on and on about Jesus coming back from the dead and what a great thing it was for sinners. There was not one word about flowers or sleeping animals, and as Meredith so correctly pointed out, not one word about the Easter bunny either. It was a complete failure as far as I am concerned and I think, correctly so, that last year's Easter will be the last Easter you will hear about a Patterson going to church. They have really let that place go to the religious whackos.

We might have to go to a church for Elizabeth's wedding, but I hope the man in the robe will keep the talk about Jesus and dead people to a minimum. The church really isn't the place for that kind of stuff.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Jeremy, I don't want U 2 worry I'll embarrass U and yr fam when we all go 2 church 2day. I know that the mother and baby Mike described in the stained-glass window wda been Mary and baby Jesus, and that they wda had halos around their heads, 2 show they're holy. Not random pie shapes. And that the guy in the robe was the pastor and the talk he gave was his sermon. C, I'm not all super-clueless like Mike. But I do come from a fam that hardly ever goes 2 church, so I won't try an' assume I know everything. I'll follow instructions and watch U 4 cues as needed!

Apes

Made 2 Last?

So, the ring shopping. Liz e-mailed me this:

April,

So, like I wrote in the e-mail to Dawn, Anthony and I went ring shopping the next day, which was a school day. Anthony and I were looking at rings we'd had the jeweler put on the display case, and I said, "I'm glad I had a spare today. --I can't believe I'm shopping for an engagement ring on my lunch hour!" Anthony said, "Fun, isn't it!" I didn't like this, because this reminded me that this wasn't his first time shopping for an engagement ring.

I decided to ignore that,though. I put one of the rings on and said, "Anthony, it's so hard to decide!" Anthony said, "Can I show you what I like?" I didn't get a chance to answer, because I was noticing that his height in relation to me had changed from just before when he had said that thing about the ring shopping being fun. He'd gone from being maybe ten centimetres taller than me to being only about four or five centimetres taller. I like him best on those days when he towers over me. That makes me feel more girly and feminine.

But anyway, as I was thinking about his height changes, he showed me a ring and said, "This one. It has a nice wedding band and a man's ring to match." I said, "It's lovely. We each tried on a ring from that set and held out our left hands to look. Anthony grew back some of his lost centimetres of height and I said, "They fit perfectly!" And Anthony said, "Perfectly!" I hoped his repeating my last word wasn't a sign that he needs to be evaluated for special needs. But before I had a chance to give that very much thought he faced me, put an arm on each of my arms and said, "And... They're made to last."

I gazed into his eyes and tried to do a "loving" look. I wondered if maybe when he bought rings with Thérèse, he didn't take the precaution of getting rings that are made to last. Maybe he bought a cheaper kind with an expiration date, and maybe that's why things didn't go well with them? I wonder about things like that sometimes, April. But anyway, I'm glad Anthony was knowing enough to be able to pick out the "made to last" rings.

Liz

Well, Dawn, Shawna-Marie, and Liz's other interested friends and acquaintances, that was their ring-shopping. If you stop by on Monday, you might just find out about Liz telling the fam. Or maybe not. Hard to say.

Apes

Liz plotting revenge

Hey foax, I got sum more e-mail from Liz, this time abt her starting 2 tell ppl abt her and Ant talking abt mayB-sumday marriage and shopping 4 a "taken" ring:

April,

In case any of your filthy-minded friends assumed I spent the night at Anthony's after we put Frenchy to bed, on that day like 3 wks ago when we decided we'll get married at some point, well, it's not true! I went back to my apartment and right away I sat down at my computer and fired off an e-mail to Dawn. I didn't even bother to change into my glasses, though I took my hair out of its bun and put it in a more comfy ponytail.

This is what I wrote to Dawn: "Dear Dawn, Anthony and I finally talked about getting married. I guess we'd both been thinking about it for a long time. We're going to look for a ring tomorrow. I must admit, I can't wait to wear one!" As I wrote that, I could feel that I had my lips o' loveliness. I love when that happens, because I'm much less likely to resemble Mike when I have those lips. Next, I wrote: "We haven't set a date yet... But when the time comes--I want you and Shawna-Marie to be my bridesmaids." Then I paused from my TICK TAP TIKKITA-TAP-TAP TICK, TICK TAP TAP TAP TICK, TAPPITA TICK TAP TICK TAPPITA TICK, TAPPING to think this thought: "That's right, dudes... --It's PAYBACK time!" As I thought this, I could feel this strange feeling. My eyes were half-closed and I could feel that I had fully articulated eyelids! How strange is that?

Anyway, April, I am gonna need your help looking for the most ugly, unflattering bridesmaid dresses I can find. Because it's PAYBACK time! And also I can't let my maids outshine ME on my big day!

Liz

Liz, that's so mean that you want to buy uggo dresses for your bridesmaids. Especially since bridesmaids' dresses are expensive, even if they're fugly. And I def won't help U find uggo dresses if I'M gonna B a bridesmaid. If not, I'll consider helping U. 4 a fee.

Apes

What's Liz been Tokin'?

Liz is still telling that story of hers from 3 wks ago. Here's her l8est e-mail:

April,

I'm taken! I love being taken!

On that night a few weeks back, when Anthony and I discussed getting married and then had a tea party with Frenchy, Anthony had me help him tuck Frenchy in when she went 2 bed in her top bunk. Anthony has heard from a lot of people who say that's not safe for a 3-year-old, and he just says that "child safety" stuff is mostly a bunch of bunk. (Ha, geddit?) Anthony is so wise!

So, where was I? Yes, tucking in Frenchy at bed time. As we stood next to her bed, Anthony said, "Good night, sweetheart." And Frenchy said, "G'night, Daddy and Elizabeth." I didn't say anything. I was too worried about my hairline, which felt like it was receding.

Once we were out in the hallway, I said, "She was pretending we were a family tonight.--That's great!" Anthony said, "Yes. I think everything's going to be fine." Then he put an arm around me and said, "We just can't be in a rush, that's all." My heart sank, but I remembered Mom advising me to play it cool when Anthony says this kind of thing, so I said, "Anthony, I'm not in a hurry to get married. I'm just glad we've talked about it."

Then he turned to face me, putting another arm on me and positioning us like we were going to start square dancing. And he asked, "Should we look for a ring?" I said, "Yes. I'd like that very much." Then I hugged him, and even though my face felt very, very badly drawn, and the hand that Anthony had in the middle of my back felt like a hooky claw, I thought, "A ring!!!--The token that says 'I'm taken'!" Ha, see what I did there? April, make sure Mike sees!

Liz

Liz, please just put the words down and stop trying to play with them. Thanks!

Apes

Francie's Playlife

As U prolly R already xxpecting, Liz has sent me another e-mail abt her visit w/Anthony and Françoise, like 3 wks ago, when Liz and Anthony might have gotten engaged:

April,

Still me! I know U can hardly wait to know what happened next, after I held Frenchy on my lap and thought that stuff about how imagination can never be too sweet. Well, Frenchy had me helping her make pretend cookies at her toy kitchen. I didn't really want to, but I had a feeling that Anthony would come in and I wanted him to be charmed at my whole "good with kids" thing.

So, I was right. Anthony came in and said, "Well!--How's the tea party?" And Frenchy said, "Fine!--We made cookies. Do you want one?" Anthony sat down on the floor and without answering, he pretended to eat the pretend cookies, saying, "Mmm... Delicious! Chocolate chip, right?" Frenchy, standing next to her tiny kitchenette, said, "Uh-huh! We're pretending this is a real kitchen!"

Then she went to her dollhouse and told Anthony, "You can pretend you're making a fire in the fireplace, OK?" She was holding a baby doll, and also said, "An' after I put the baby to bed, we can watch TV!" I wondered if this was Frenchy's way of telling us that on the evenings when I visit, she knows that Anthony and I watch TV after he puts her to bed. And how would she know this unless she sneaks out of her room and snoops on us? I'm going to have to secure her room better after I marry Anthony.

Anyway, after Frenchy had put her babydoll to bed, we all sat in the middle of the room and went into silhouette. It was a little bit painful and random. Anthony said, "This is very nice, Francie! Thanks for inviting us to your house!" And Frenchy said, "...Daddy?" Then we stopped being in silhouette and Frenchy said, "...Let's pretend we're a family!" And Anthony and I used that as a reason to look at each other with our schmoopy faces.

It's like we're a family already! We don't even have to pretend! Or at least that's what I'm putting in the little brochure I'm printing up at school and giving to Anthony so he won't forget to marry me.

Liz

Liz, Liz, Liz! U sed U're Francie's friend. And now she's gonna xxpect U 2 B her playmate. And then when U marry her dad, she's gonna wonder if he marries ALL her friends. Poor kid, better 2 just xxplain things how they R in the 1st place.

Apes

Liz Patterson, Future Stepfriend?

More from Liz:

April,

I am soooooo good with kids! That's why I'm such a superduper teacher. Frenchy wanted us to have our conversation while pretending to have tea using her tiny tea set. I tried to tell her it was for dollies and not people, but she would'nt listen, so we had to sit cross-legged next to the littlest table other than Dad's "train layout" furniture and Merrie's dollhouse furniture.

While holding one of the itty-bitty teacups, I told Frenchy, "Your Daddy and I have been friends for a long time, Francie. That won't change. Not ever. No matter what." I pretended to pour myself more tea from the little teapot and told her, "And the BEST thing now, is that he has a wonderful daughter--so I get to be YOUR friend, too!" Then I wanted to get Frenchy to say we're friends, because that's just good teaching, April. So I asked her, "We are friends, right?" And she said, "Uh-huh... Do you want milk an' sugar in your tea?"

I figured I might as well teach her how I like my tea, so I said, "Just sugar. Lots an' lots an' lots of sugar." Frenchy showed a trait we'll have to work on. Questioning my choices. She said, "But... it'll be too SWEET!" In case Anthony might pop in and read my thought bubbles, I pulled her onto my leg and thought, "One's imagination can never be too sweet!" Then I imagined Frenchy going off to boarding school and me celebrating by having cake!

Liz

Liz, R U sure it's such a gr8 idea 2 present yrself as Francie's buddy? If U marry Anthony and become her stepmom, U will hafta act all parent-like and have sum, like, authority. If U R her "friend" she can say she doesn't hafta listen 2 U.

Note to Mike: Do NOT tell me 2 take notes for "when [I] marry Gerald"; I am NOT gonna marry Gerald! (No offense, Gerald.)

Apes

Woman to Woman?

Liz has more to share about the fateful day she and Anthony mayB-sorta got engaged:

April,

Ha! My turn's not over yet. Take THAT, Mike! I've been telling this since the end of February. By the end of this week, it'll have been more than four weeks of me telling this. Yay, me!

So when I heard that Anthony and Frenchy were ending their talk, I ran to the kitchen so Anthony wouldn't figure out I'd been snooping. I pretended to be about to wash my mug, so Anthony would be thinking how domestic-like and "making a home" I am.

Feeling my face looking especially Mike-ish, I asked him, "Is Françoise upset?" And Anthony answered, "A little. She's not quite sure what to make of our conversation." I put a hand to my breastbone and got that look Mom taught us to have when we do that, and asked him, "Did you tell her that I don't want to take the place of her mother?" Since Easter is coming up, I was kind of afraid Anthony might have said something like, "If you don't call Elizabeth 'Mommy,' the Easter Bunny will suicide himself." And while that might sound like a good parenting technique, our school psychologist tells me that kind of thing is "damaging."

Anyway, Anthony told me, "Yes. She knows you're a good friend, Liz. I think she's afraid that if we get married, she'll lose one of us." I wasn't sure which "us" he meant. "Us" as in ME and Anthony, or "us" as in "Thérèse and Anthony." Because I kind of think she doesn't really think of herself as having the "ME and Anthony" kind of "us," and besides, how would us marrying mean "losing" one of that "us"? But I wasn't going to ask Anthony all that. Instead, since I saw that Frenchy had trailed out of her bedroom, I bent down, put a hand on one of her shoulders, and asked her, "Francie....could we have a chat? Woman to woman?" And Frenchy said, "OK." I was holding her hand, and as we went into her room, she asked me, "Would you like some tea?" I had to smile because at least she learned somehow that you need hot beverages to have a real conversation. Well, unless you are having one in a car. Then you have the "moving vehicle" exception. But that's not important right now.

No, what's important is that IT'S MONDAY AGAIN AND STILL MY TURN! YEEEHAW! YAY, YAY, YAY! Stay tuned, April and maybe I'll share what happened in the woman-to-woman "chat" I had with Frenchy.

Liz

OMG, Liz, U musta totally gotten the newest Patterson manual on stretching out yr stories. U have managed to advance yr story almost none. Anyway, ppl, prolly more of this tomorrow.

Apes

In memory of...Rolly?

Well, in case NE1 missed the reminiscing (who'm I kidding, no1 did), here is sumthing Mike wrote abt a long-ago thing that happened that no1 wants 2 remember:

April,

Formerly little sis. One of the things we don’t like to mention in our family was the day when Elizabeth (known as Lizzie in those days) severely injured a creature we refer to today as a Rolly (combining the words real + dolly). These creatures were known because their physical appearance was astonishingly like that of a child’s doll, but they were actually intelligent creatures. The way you could tell the difference between a Rolly and a child’s plaything was that a doll’s appearance did not change, while a Rolly’s appearance and facial expressions would alter just like an intelligent creature’s would. What made such a unique creature seek out for exploration among us Pattersons, we will never know. What we do know is that Lizzie saw one of these creatures smiling and sitting on a table, grabbed it by its leg, and slammed it to the ground yelling, “Blah!!” If it weren’t for the fact that the creature’s facial expression changed to one of dazed amazement and it started screaming bloody murder, Lizzie might have finished it off right then and there. Among us kids, she is by far the most physically violent as you well know.

Lizzie has often said the real reason she attacked the Rolly, was because she was angry that I had taken a book from her. Not only that but I was mad because mom had shrieked at me, “Michael, you clean up this room or I’ll give everything you own to the Goodwill!” And mom was supposedly mad because dad had yelled at her, “Elly! Don’t use my tool kit if you can’t remember to put things back!” That hardly seems like a sequence of events that would lead to violence to the Rolly, but that is the official story we Pattersons tell about the matter, in case anyone asks you on today, the 28th anniversary of the Rolly attack.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Gah, that is all so sad. MayB we oughta stick w/present-day stories 4 a while. So Jeremy knows by now, but I'll say NEway, I M OK despite the crazy stuff that went wrong w/Arne's "Ides of March" illusion at Farley Hill here in Barbados. Duncan's gran got me, Eva, and Duncan back 2 Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's, and Jeremy and I had a pretty nice time celebr8ing me being OK, when we met b-hind the goathouse @ 2AM. Our flite back 2 Mboro leaves @ noon 2day.

Apes

Like Always, Eh?

If you thought Liz's next message to me was gonna be about sharing her engagement/getting married someday, maybe-probably news with the fam, then you are wrong. Here's the latest she sent me:

April,

Don't listen to Mike. If Gerald shows up divorced and has a half-Pakistani, or half-whatever-else kid, wanting to marry you, don't accept. Those half-whatsis kids get in the way of all the fun. Like for instance, after the stuff I told you about in my last e-mail, where we told little Frenchy that we were discussing marriage and she asked if she could still have her own room, she suddenly asked Anthony, "Daddy... can I talk to you over here... alone?" Anthony grinned his super-happy smile at her and said, "Of course!" They went into her room, and of course I tiptoed over there and listened at the doorway to see if Frenchy said anything bad about me.

I heard her voice saying, "What's gonna happen to me if you marry Elizabeth?" As usual, I had to remind myself of Frenchy's age. You might remember, she turned three on March 7. And all this stuff I am telling you happened at the very end of February (I am super at keeping the plot twists under wraps!). I'll have to check my old child-development textbook from university, but I am pretty sure normal kids her age don't talk or think like this. But this is Milborough. You might remember that one of the signs outside of the Milborough border is "Milborough: Forget what you think you know about child development."

So, where was I? Right, Frenchy asking what's gonna happen to her if Anthony and I get married. I wonder if the little snoop found my brochures from the boarding schools. Anthony told her, "You'll live in a happy home with two people who love you very much." For a moment there, I wondered who else was going to move in with us. Then I realized that he meant that he and I both love Frenchy very much. I guess that's the kind of thing he has to say to get her to not bug us about planning our wedding.

Next, I heard Frenchy asking, "Do I hafta call her 'Mom'?" And Anthony said, "No, you can call her 'Elizabeth,' like always." Then, I heard Frenchy asking, "What about my REAL mom?" And Anthony told her, "When she has time, you'll see her and talk to her--just like always. And I will be here for you, sweetheart. You know that." And Frenchy said, "...Just like always." Then I peeked in the doorway and say them hugging. And I felt a bit jealous, because while I had given Anthony a big hug after he'd said that stuff about how we could say we were engaged (which some mean people have been saying isn't necessarily the same as actually BEING engaged, those meanies), he still hadn't given ME a big old hug. And I really wanted one.

Well, you know what Sunday means. Probably a whole different story, maybe not even told by me. Unless the Good Witch wants the "Sunday" people to know what's going on. Though I kind of think the "Sunday" people think that Anthony and I got engaged last August. Mom says the "Sunday" people are a bit stupid and we need to be patient with them. Anyway, I might have more to say Monday.

Liz

Way to stretch out yr story, Liz. Hey, Jeremy, Dunc, and Dunc's "Secret Sum1." Sorry about the big mix-up @ 2 AM. Where we all kinda swapped by mistake. Thanx 4 yr compliments abt my "moves" Bambi Von Bon Bon taught me, tho, Dunc. Let's make sure if we have NE special 2 AM appts 2nite, we have 'em @ totally diff locations. After all, Jeremy, Eva, and I all hafta go back 2 Mboro 2morrow.

Apes

Liz calls top bunk

Well, NE1 who was wagering that Anthony wd pull off the most bloodless, no-passion marriage proposal he cd got 2 collect $ after reading the "Liz" installment I posted 4 all of U yesterday. She's sent me an e-mail 2 tell what happened rite after her big "YEEAAHH" outburst:

April,

After Anthony and I got ourselves engaged, I was so excited that I forgot that Frenchy had been in her room the whole time. Why is she not in boarding school? Anyway, she's not, and right after I cheered out loud, she walked into the room and asked, "Daddy? What happened?" By then, Anthony and I were hugging, while still sitting side-by-side. Anthony told her, "It's OK, honey... We were just discussing.... Well, Elizabeth and I were talking about getting married someday." Then I opened my big mouth and said, "If it's okay with you!" I wanted to show Anthony how "good with kids" I am, but then I realized that if she said it's not okay with her, I might have been unengaged! But I went on, asking, "What do you think, Francie? How would you feel if I came to live with you forever?" And she said, "I dunno. Could I keep my own room?" I was so surprised by her answer that I went into silhouette. And Anthony got a "gobsmacked" look on his face.

Ha! I'm not even done telling this story. More tomorrow.

Liz

Hm, maybe Anthony WILL make Liz and Francie share a room. And basement play-cage. Never know with the Antman.

Apes

Liz got engaged after boring proposal

Well, here comes the news ppl have been w8ing 4 (and/or dreading). Here is the latest from Liz:

April,

If there's ever a time when someone tells you I can't hang onto a secret for a long time, you remind them of the time I waited THREE WEEKS to tell anyone that I'd gotten ENGAGED! ENGAGED, April!

Okay, so I know you'll want to me to tell you how it happened. Did we go someplace special to us, full of meaning? Well, we were still on Anthony's chesterfield. But that chesterfield is special, so don't be poo-pooing where this happened. Anthony and I were clutching our coffee cups and we were still sitting side by side, but our bodies were actually touching. Anthony asked, "Should we discuss marriage?" I said, "It might be a good idea." Then he said, "We've been friends for so long, I think we'd be good partners." I said, "I think so, too."

Next, we turned to face each other. Some people say we never just look at each other directly, but that's not true, April. We just do that sparingly. Anyway, Anthony asked me, "Would you like to share your life with me, and with my daughter, Elizabeth?" I almost pointed out that his daughter's name is not Elizabeth. It's Frenchy. If we were both named Elizabeth, that would be too confusing. But I was afraid that if I mentioned that, we'd be changing the subject, and we'd never get back onto marriage, and I'd be an old maid forever. So I just ignored that "name" confusion and just said, "Yes! Yes I would." Then, Anthony said, "Then... we could say we're engaged." Which was strange. Why not just, "We're engaged!" But I just said, "Yes. I guess we could."

Then a strange thing happened. Suddenly I was very aware of having irises in my eyes. I don't remember ever having that awareness before. And my eyes felt larger than they'd ever done before. I just stared for a bit, I guess I couldn't believe that after all those years of waiting, waiting, waiting to finally be engaged, this was it, and this is what that moment was like. Then, after my brain clicked that I don't have to die an old maid after all, I leapt up, threw my arms around Anthony's head, and screamed, "YEEAAAAAHH!"

Now that my big news is out, I guess Mom is going to have a lot of happy, excited people showing up at Lilliput's to have coffee with her and tell her they've been waiting for this and are so happy they cried. Some people are so emotional about my life! Even more than I am.

Liz, soon to be Mrs. Caine

Wow, well congrats, Liz. I know this is what U've been hoping 4. NEthing special U'd like me 2 bring back from Barbados?

April

Is Anthony Slow?

Well, it's Wednesday, so it's gonna take Liz @ least four installments 2 squeeze out the rest of this current story. Here's her l8est e-mail 2 me:

April,

I'm so proud of myself, because all this stuff I'm telling you about happened around three weeks ago, and I've still managed 2 keep the best stuff secret. And I'm still going to, @ least until Friday. Ha ha ha, I'll make you wait!

And before you start complaining about me making you wait, think about Anthony making ME wait. And wait, and wait, and wait. In case you are wondering (and of course you are!), Anthony drove me to his house. He made coffee (of course), and we sat down side-by-side on the chesterfield to talk while we had our coffee. April, did you know there are people who have conversations without hot beverages? Savages!

Anyway, as we were sitting there, I said,"Anthony. When we're together, everything feels right." I wanted to get the subject away from Warren's unexpected visit. Anthony answered, "Yes. It does." Then he said, "I wonder where we're going--together, I mean. I wonder where this will lead." I added, "Me, too." Don't we sound passionate when we talk? Then I felt like he'd punched me in the stomach, when he said, "But, let's take it slowly. I couldn't survive another divorce." I said, "Divorce?!! We haven't even talked about marriage!!!" Then he looked at me sideways and said, "Not yet."

April, I couldn't help thinking "Who introduces the subject of marriage by bringing up divorce?" And he had just finished talking about "take it slowly." Sure, that's the same thing I had just told Candace and Rudy the day before, but that's just for other people to hear. I wasn't expecting to have ANTHONY say that. Especially since we've already been taking it slow as molasses! I was ready to get up and run out of there. Except my apartment is too far for me to run to, and also Mom would have yelled at me for doing that. And then his "not yet" gave me hope.

Stay tuned!

Liz

Liz, U 2 seem abt as passionate as 2 dishrags drying on the side of the kitchen sink. Like "comfortable" w/ea other = bland, blah, and beige.

Apes

What and whom? I think I'll swoon.

Things R getting a lil odd @ Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's, here in Barbados, but @ least I M in Barbados. Duncan, I will put my $ on Perdita dumping Arne Friday. She seems 2 B getting more annoyed w/him every day. NEway, I got another Liz-mail:

April,

It's Tuesday, so I get to tell you stuff @ least, um, one, two, three, four, five.... Five times, including today. Yay, me! I rule, Mike drools!

So I know you and all your readers are just dying to know what happened when Anthony and I got together the next day, after that night Warren came by when I was grading tests. By the way, I never finished grading my tests and I had to tell my students they wouldn't get their tests back for another day. But I told them, "It's Warren Blackwood's fault, so don't blame me." They looked a little confused, but at least they dropped the subject.

Anthony and I were in his car, and I had just finished begging him to believe what I had told him about Warren, on the phone the night before. Anthony said, "I believe you, Liz.... Why shouldn't I? You didn't ask Warren to come to your apartment--and while he was there, nothing happened. You asked him to leave, and that's it." And I realized that I never told Anthony that Warren left his job to be with me and was trying to pick up where he left off with dating me. So that wasn't exactly "it," but I said, "That's it." Better not to confuse things. Let Anthony think Warren just showed up, said, "I quit my job and I'm depressed," and that I told him right off, "It's late and you have to leave." Better to let him think I never made coffee and we never had our painful, awkward talk.

Next, Anthony said, "Elizabeth. You're free to talk to whomever you wish. I want you to be yourself--and I want you to be SURE. I asked, "Sure about what?" And out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Anthony had gone into silhouette, and his silhouette looked fat and middle-aged. Silhouette-Anthony said, "About what you WANT." Then he went back to being regular-Anthony and added, "And whom."

I shut my eyes while pointing my face upwards and closed my eyes, because Anthony use of "whom" reminded me I had to make a lesson plan on "who" and "whom." And then I started to worry that maybe Anthony was using the word pointed-like, because maybe when I was begging him to believe me about Warren I misused "who" or "whom." When you're a teacher, people are always trying to stick you for making mistakes like that. And when you teach grade four, people expect you to know all your subjects. It's so stressful, April, I can't wait until I'm married and can quit my job to focus on being a married lady and taking care of kids and a house. Like Mom when Mike and I were little.

Liz

Oh, Liz. Liz, Liz, Liz. Can't you get to the interesting part of this story? If, you know, you have one?

Apes

MayB Cuz C-ing is Believing?

Aah, it'd B EZ 2 4get all abt Mboro when I'm in sunny Barbados, 'cept Liz e-mailed me again:

April,

Yay, so we are still on ME! I know everyone wants to find out what happened on that night, whenever that was, after Warren left. Well, I phoned Anthony and said, "Anthony? It's me." Anthony said, "WHO? Oh, Elizabeth. Hi, Elizabeth." I said, "I'm sorry about the confusion on the phone. Warren's gone now. He just dropped in for a minute." Anthony asked, "WHY?" So I told him, "He quit his job." Anthony asked, "Yes, so?" I told him, "He was depressed and needed someone to talk to." Anthony said, "At this hour?" And I said, "I know it's late. That's why I asked him to leave." Anthony went, "Is there anything between you anymore?" Of course, I replied, "There's nothing between us anymore." Anthony was quiet for a bit, so I added, "...I hope you believe me." He replied, "Of course I believe you!"

But then he added, "Hey, we're both tired." That's when I realized he'd probably fallen asleep in the five, or maybe six minutes between the end of that last phone call and my calling him back after Warren left. How does he fall asleep so fast? I always have to count Peeps for at least 65 Peeps jumping over the fence. Anyway, next, he said, "Why don't I pick you up after work tomorrow, and we can talk then, OK?" I said, "OK," but then after I hung up and thought, "He doesn't believe me!!!"

Of course I can't tell you what happened the next day when we talked. Nyah, nyah, nyah, you'll just have to wait and see. And don't be such a show-off with Barbados. I have to spend my March break catching up on all the grading I've neglected worrying over my love life. And I'm going to do a week's worth of lessons plans so I won't have to pull any all-nighters next week, I swear it!

Liz

Liz? It's counting sheep. Not Peeps. And mayB Anthony is all "seeing is believing" like U, and that's Y he needs 2 C U B4 he can believe U? But whatevs, I know whatever happed happed already and U R holding out on us w/the Patterson story techniques. ::yawn::

Apes

Liz shows Francie how messy eating is done

OMG, I am having the best time working @ Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's in Barbardos w/Duncan an' his fam and Jeremy, Eva, Zandra, and her lil bro Charles Wallace. So, so cube!

So Liz sent me another e-mail:

April, as you know, we Pattersons always change the subject on Sundays, but I get to tell the "Sunday" story this time. Because it's still MY turn! MINE! I can't tell you anything else about when Warren dropped by my apartment and answered Anthony's phone call yet, so instead, I'll tell you about this one time recently when I was watching Frenchy. Anthony had a big, important Astronomy Club Executive Committee meeting, so he asked me to come over and care for the kid. And Mom says I should always be ready to show Anthony what a great stepmom I'll be someday, when he finally asks me to marry him.

Anyway, the first thing I did after Anthony left the house was to put Frenchy into her booster seat at the kitchen table. You might be confused because she didn't need a booster seat at the Christmas dinner, but you shouldn't be, because you should be used to Milborough child development and dis-development. So I thought about what I could get her that would be nice and easy to make, and I was happy to see that Anthony had bread, peanut butter, and jelly. I made a PB & J sandwich for Frenchy brought it over to her. Then, as I was putting the ingredients away, I looked over my shoulder and saw that she had pulled the sandwich apart and was licking the PB & J off of the bread. I said, "Francie, you're old enough to know how to eat properly!" And while she was tearing one of her messy pieces of bread in half, she said, "But... I don't wanna eat properly... I wanna eat like this." I noticed that somehow, magically, Frenchy's face was completely clean again. Then, to make a point, I quickly made a PB & J sandwich of my own and tore the pieces apart as I asked, "You mean, like this?"

Then I started to lick PB & J off of the inside of one side of bread while making these sounds: "MUNCH, GLUPP, SLURBP, MFF, EAT, SLURP, GLUPPP... SLORBP, GLMPH, SLUPP, EAT..." While I did this, clean-faced Frenchy laughed like she'd never seen anything so funny. I had a bad feeling that my "teaching moment" wasn't having the effect I meant it to. Especially since I could kind of see Frenchy's point that PB & J is extra delicious if eaten that way. But I couldn't tell her that, so instead I got up and said, "Well, that's that! Guess I'd better clean up!" And Frenchy said, "No, 'Lizabeth!!" And she suddenly had PB & J on her face again. I asked, "Why not?" And then her face went clean just as she said, "I don't want you to grow up so fast!!!" I got a gobsmacked look on my face, because what 3-year-old talks like that? Though I should be used to that from Frenchy. Oh, that reminds me, did you know she turned 3 this past Friday, March 7? Anthony said we weren't going to celebrate because he wants to make sure he doesn't spoil her. Mom heard about this and said, "I knew there was a reason I've always liked Anthony!"

Liz

Oh, ew. What a vommy story. I think I need 2 go B sick now.

Apes

Liz Explains Warren 2 Anthony

Hey, guess what? I M totally writing this in an airplane on the way from Toronto 2 Barbados! W00t!!! Jeremy and Eva R with me, and we R going 2 B working @ Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's during March break. Perdita Anderson paid 4 our airfare and everything cuz they're gonna B totally swamped w/accountants, illusionist, and tourists.

But NEhoodles, U R probably wondering what happened next during that special nite when Warren dropped by Lizzie's apt l8 @ nite and answered the fone just as Liz was trying 2 kick him out, so she hadta xxplain 2 Anthony who this man in her apt was. Well, I'll tell U what Liz shared in e-mail, but I shd warn U she still leaves us hanging, so I guess this story is gonna continue next week:

April,

I hate it when someone tries to ruin my life. Don't you hate when that happens... to me? Anyway, after Warren handed me the phone and said it was the "other man in my life," he put the other half of his jacket on, and I said into the phone, "Hello, Anthony? That was Warren who answered the phone." Anthony shrieked, "THE PILOT YOU USED TO GO OUT WITH?!?!?!?"And I replied, "Yes, he's the pilot I used to go out with. Anthony kind of whined, "What's he doing there?" And I said, "He needed someone to talk to, so he dropped in--but he's on his way out." Warren started to pull my phone-holding arm away from my ear, and said, "Dude! I'm on my way out!" Anthony was saying, "Want me to come over and tweak his ear?!?" I said, "I'll call you back in five minutes!"

I hung up the phone and told Warren, "You're trying to mess up my life again, and it's NOT going to happen!!" Warren put a hand on each of my arms and said, "I don't want to mess up your life, Liz.... I want to be a PART of it!"

Do you want to know what happened next? Well, I'll probably tell you, but not before Monday. Ha, ha. Try to survive the suspense!!!

Liz

C what I mean abt leaving us hanging? @ least Jeremy, Eva, and I will have Barbados 2 keep up distracted. We arrive at 12:45. Yay! Oh, I'm adding the "personality transplants" tag to all the entries in this current "Warren" story, cuz he never used 2 B like this!

Apes

Oh, no, he did NOT!

Liz sent me her l8est e-mail on the next bit of what happed that super-eventful nite when Warren dropped in:

April,

Wait until you find out what happened next. I can hardly believe it, even though I was there and saw the whole thing. Even though Pattersons normally don't turn down a friend begging for a place to crash for the night, especially since we get martyr points for putting up with people like that, I couldn't risk that Anthony might see Warren through the windows when he accidentally points his telescope at my apartment because he happens to be stargazing in my neighbourhood. Knowing how Anthony jumps to conclusions, I didn't want him to run off and propose to Julia or Kortney or something. So I did something Pattersons hate, I asserted myself and said, "You have to go. You can stay at a motel. I'll give you some money." As I was telling him that, I was pulling my oddly shaped wallet out of my purse. Warren told me, "I've got money, Liz..." At just that moment, my phone, which is at the other end of the apartment from where we were standing, rang. And before I had a chance to do anything, Warren sprinted across the room, fast as can be, and answered my phone. I was so shocked, all I could do was raise my brows, bug out my eyes, and let my mouth fall open. Warren, who had his jacket half on/half off, answered, "Hello?" And I could hear Anthony's voice on the other end, going, "Um... who's this?" And Warren handed me the phone and said, "...I think it's the OTHER man in your life!"

April, can you believe this? I felt my chances of EVER marrying Anthony fading away. I could just imagine him going through his phone book, calling every unmarried Milborough woman he knows until he finds someone willing to dash off to the courthouse as soon as it opens to marry as fast as possible. I felt my life was about to be ruined! But I can't tell you whether it was or not, because of the Patterson rules of suspenseful storytelling. Stay tuned!

Liz

Wow, flyboy has some serious boundary issues, eh? I mean, who DOES that? Man, I wish you were allowed to tell us what happed next. I can't remember the last time I really wanted to know the next part of one of our Patterson stories.

Apes

Is SEEING still BELIEVING?

Liz wrote 2 me w/the next bit of what happed when Warren dropped by her place one recent nite:

April,

After Warren and I finished our coffee, I really wanted him to leave, so I tried Mom's "subtle hint for getting guests to leave #1," which is to wash and dry your dishes in front of them. As I was drying a mug, I told Warren, "Look, ...I'm sorry about your job..." Which wasn't really true, because what's it to me, and I never told him to quit, but it seemed like the thing I should say. Then Warren said, "Yeah--I'm hoping I can get something stable now... maybe teach at the college." I kind of looked over my shoulder at him while I put away the mug and told him, "You could do that. They have a good flight school there." And Warren said, "I'd hafta take some courses though. ...MAN! I never should have quit. Not without an alternative." Well, duh! But instead of saying, "Duh," which Mom says is not ladylike, I said, "Warren, I'd like to help you, but I don't know how." Warren opened his eyes very wide, raised his eyebrows, and said, "Well... I'm sharing my place with a guy and he's got... You know... company. I need somewhere to crash for a couple of nights. And I said, "You can't stay HERE! --Besides, I'm seeing someone! And instead of asking me who, so I could tell him about Anthony, he said, "I know..." And then his eyelids went droopy and he added, "You're seeing ME!"

April, suddenly I had this weird sicky feeling in my tummy and I wondered if he might be referring to that time in December of 2005, when I had told him I was with Paul, and during our helicopter ride to Milborough, I told him "seeing is believing." Why do people keep doing that, making references to things that were said, like, um, one, two, three, yeah, three years ago? Like you can't say anything because someone will use it again and kind of say it back. And I also wondered since when does he even have a "place" in Milborough? And if he does, and it's his place, why doesn't he kick out the guy who has "company"? But I didn't ask him any of this. But you'll have to wait until tomorrow before I tell you what happened next.

Liz

Bad move, Warren. If you're going to rearrange yr life 2 B w/Liz U @ least have 2 do yr intel and find out if she is d8ing NE1 else.

Apes

Liz yells at Warren

Liz sent me another e-mail and here's what she wrote:

April,

I know your readers are dying to hear what happened next the night Warren dropped by my apartment. Well, after I made him coffee, we sat down at my kitchen table and I told him, "Warren you do NOT love me. If you did, you wouldn't have dumped me so many times!" Warren said, "I never dumped you!" I said, "Right! --You'd cancel dates, then show up unannounced... You'd leave town without telling me! You'd be here for six weeks, then gone for a month. --I never knew where you were, or what you were doing!" I was going to add that every time I saw him, he looked different so I could hardly tell who he was, but before I had a chance, he said, "Liz... That's the nature of the job!!" Notice he said, "Liz," not like Anthony who almost always says "Elizabeth" these days, because he got my memo. I pointed a finger at him and said, "No, it's not... it's the nature of YOU!!"

Then I was so angry because he forced me to be direct with him and tell him exactly what bothered me, after all these years of not telling him but leaving my hints. Mom says Pattersons do not believe in directness, she says it's "vulgar." Anthony and I never discuss things directly, except in our thought bubbles. It's called tact.

Anyway, April, there's more to tell, but I won't tell you yet. You'll thank me for keeping the Mike stories away for as long as I can.

Liz

True that, anything to keep the Mike stories @ bay. Mike stories and flashbacks, both R bad. Mike stories in flashback = the worst.

U know, Liz, if U'd just told Warren how mad U were back when he went 2 Yellowknife, insteada just mouth-raspberrying the fone after telling him all was fine, mayB U2 wda had a proper breakup and he wdna quit his job out of the blue.

Apes

Warren makes bad choices

Liz wrote in 2 share what happed next when Warren dropped by her apt unxxpectedly:

April,

It's just not fair, I don't think you understand, but maybe you do since you broke things off with Gerald and he keeps coming around anyway, and back in last April (not you, the month), I was following all of the rules that it says you should do in The (Patterson) Rules, well that is supposed to make the men know you are a real prize, but that Warren, he put his work in front of being with me, which is like the ultimate pleasure on earth, to be with a Patterson woman, and I gave the phone a good spitting to let him know that he had missed out on life with an emotionally mature woman with a healthy supply of saliva, because some men like that thing, I have been told, and I thought he had come over to my apartment to talk, but then he was grabbing me, so mom always says that coffee is better than sex, so I thought I could distract Warren with coffee, so I said, “Warren, let go!...I’ll make you a coffee!” and he said, “OK, OK…” like he knew coffee was better than sex, and I was upset because we never had sex before when we were dating so how did he know that my coffee would be better than sex with me, not that I would ever have sex with Warren, but I was so insulted and then he said a word which a good Patterson man never says unless threatened with a gun or a bazooka or something, he said, “Thanks” and so I thought it would be a good idea to remind him of the time, just in case he didn’t have a watch on and I said, “Look. It’s after 10.” ( and I thought about pointing to a clock when I said to look, but I had my hands full of coffee cups and I know all about that trick where someone asks you the time on your watch while you are holding coffee because that little creep, my favourite student, Jesse Mukwa used to do it to me all the time), so I said, “Why are you here? What’s the matter?” which are pretty direct questions for me, and I hate to say this, but sometimes when I am tired I forget that according to the handy little "Passive Language Purity Guide" that the Johnston Institute puts out, a Patterson woman should never ask direct questions, so then he told me, and he said, “I quit my job, Liz. I got so tired of being sent all over the place. I want to stop. I don’t have a HOME anywhere!! I can’t fly anymore. It’s one of the two things in life that I really love, and I have to give it up,” and as I thought about it, I seem to remember having heard this same speech before the last time a man grabbed me when I didn’t want him to and someone telling me they had no HOME, like I had a feeling of DJ view, (which is where DJ’s know what song is coming up before they even say it), and I looked at Warren and he did not really look that much like a DJ to me, and I thought it was a good thing Anthony wasn’t here or he would tell me I could give my apartment to Warren and then move in with him, so Warren could have a home and I could live in my other home with Anthony, but then I remember that Warren had counted to 2 things he really loved, and thought I knew the other one must be my coffee, so I said, “What’s the other thing?” and he didn’t say it was my coffee at all, he said, “You” and when he said that I had this sudden feeling that I looked like a combination of mom and Mike and not much like myself at all, and you know, April, I had this sudden memory of mom telling one of those secret mom things where she said to me, “Lizzie. You need to stop digging in your diaper, I am going to change you in a few minutes” and then she said, “Lizzie, if there’s one thing in your life you can never trust, it’s a man who is willing to give up things to be with you. A man who is willing to transfer his job for you or a man who is willing to give up his job to be close to you are the types of men who will marry you for more than 30 years and then you will find out that they have been cheating on you all along with some slut you have known for years. Those are not the types of men for you. You need to go with an emotionally-distant man, who will never make any kind of sacrifice for you and might leave you sitting in a high chair all night. Those are the men, men like your father, who make the best husbands and dads.” and while I was rememberizing that, I was also wondering how Warren would pay for apartment rent without his job, and that Warren is just a big poopyhead if he thinks I am going to pay for apartment rent for him too, and how this could mess up everything with Anthony, just as he was almost about to consider the possibility of perhaps, maybe getting me an engagement ring, which is the type of thing that unemployed Warren is not going to give me, unless he has some rich relatives somewhere. I am very confused about all of this as you tell, but at least Mike isn’t telling his boring stories.

Liz

Liz, it's déjà vu, which means "already seen," and it's this feeling you get, where something it's happening feels like it's already happened B4 another time, only U know it hasn't. Not "DJ view," U goof!

And Y do men keep associating Liz with having a home? She's a grade-four teacher, not a realtor! MayB those Transformers who R studying us cd look in2 this mystery?

Apes

Warren?

Another Liz-gram showed up in my e-mail:

Hey, April, I'll bet you weren't expecting my story to have a twist, but it does! Ha, I fooled you!

While I was working on grading my students' tests (what was I thinking give them it test, it keeps them busy for a long time in class, but then I have to grade them), my doorbell rang. Even though it was LATE! So I thought, "Whoever you are, go away!" Then I climbed the stairs and answered the door, and it was WARREN BLACKWOOD standing there, but I noticed it wasn't the really tall, slim version of him, but the shorter more "solid" version. Not the totally chubby "almost Gordo" version, though. Anyway, while I was noticing all that, I said, "Warren! What are you doing here? --Do you know how LATE it is?" And I also wondered how he knew to find me in my apartment, since the last time we saw each other, I was still living in the big house on Sharon Park Drive, with the sun in my eyes. But before I got a chance to ask about that, Warren said, "I'm sorry, Liz... My head's a mess right now. Could I talk to you?" And I said, "Yes! Sure! Come in!" I started thinking about whether it would be better to call my principal and tell him I was sick, or to tell my students they wouldn't get their tests back for another day. But then, Warren threw his arms around me and I yelled, "Warren... This isn't TALKING!" In case he didn't know the difference.

So you are probably wondering what he wanted to "talk" about, and did I tell him about Anthony being my very good friend now, but you will have to wait and see. This is all I'm going to tell you now. Because if I tell my story too fast it will be Mike's turn again, and you know when it's Mike's turn, he takes a month or more to tell his stories.

Warren, eh? This cd get interesting. 'Course it wda helped 2 use this new-fangled device called communication w/him, but I M sure U and probably Mike 2 will tell me that's not the Patterson way.

Apes

A Flashback on Parental Failure

Liz came over this morning while we were eating brekky and she was all, "I had a terrible nightmare about being strapped into a chair in the middle of the night, in the dark, with no way to get out, and I was hungry and thirsty and sitting in a bunch of wet!" Mom laffed and sed, "April, make yr sister sum cinnamon toast. Have a seat, Liz, I think you just had a baby-hood memory." Liz's eyes kinda bugged out. I got up 2 make cinny toast, even tho I wasn't dun w/my granola yet, cuz I didn't want Mom 2 unhinge her jaw @ me. While I was fixing Lizzie's toast, Mom started 2 tell Liz a story.

"Well," she sed. "One time, when U were a baby, sumwhere around 9 months old or so, yr father and I were sleeping and U started wailing from yr room. A big red WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA that filled half our bedroom. Without opening my eyes, I shouted, 'Alright, Elizabeth!... Daddy's getting up." Dad chimed in w/"I woke up 2 find a little cloud of dirt rite over my nose, and I clenched my jaw. Yr mom and I turned 2 face each other, and she sed, 'I don'tknow... go get her a glass of milk or sumthing...' I got up, went in2 Lizzie's room, picked her up, brought her to the kitchen, got a pitcher of milk (we kept it in an unsealed pitcher back then), put Liz in her high chair, poured the milk, and then...." He paused and looked like he didn't want 2 tell the rest. Mom was like, "Go ahead, John. I asked the girls and they kind of smiled and sed, 'Yes, tell that one.'" Dad shook his head and sed, "Y do I alwayz have 2 B the one who looks like an arse?" And Mom sed, "Tell it, John!" He sighed and sed, "Liz, I drank the milk, put the glass in the sink, put the pitcher back in the fridge, shut off the light, and went back 2 bed."

Liz gulped. "U left me there? In my high-chair, in the dark?" Dad sed, "Liz, I was very, very tired!" I gave Liz her toast and sed, "I guess this xxplains a lot abt U." Liz shouted, "Shut up! I turned out fine. MayB I'll have 2 try this technique on Frenchy!" I sed, "Francie doesn't sit in a high chair NEmore." And Liz sed, "MayB she does from now on!" And I sed, "U sound like a crazy person!" And Liz sed, "Takes one 2 know one!" I sed, "Ooh, good comeback. U just sed we're both crazy!" Liz sed, "No I didn't!" I rolled my eyes and finished my granola so I cd go 2 my 'puter and write this entry.

Apes

Liz kicks her guests to the curb

Liz wrote me another e-mail and it went like this:

April,

When I was in Limbo, I got so used to not having to worry about going to my job, writing lesson plans, or doing any grading, that I panicked when it was 10:00 PM, Candace and Rudy were still at my apartment, and I realized that I needed to write a lesson plan and grade a stack of tests for the next day! So I thought I'd better drop a hint that they should leave, by saying, "Well, I have a class to prepare for and test to correct...." I was worried they might not pick up on that, but Rudy said, "Yeah... we should go." As they were leaving, I shouted out the door, "Goodnight, Rudy! 'Night, Candace!" And Rudy waved while Candace said, "See you, Liz!" My feelings were a little hurt that they didn't wish me a good night. How am I supposed to have a good night if they don't wish me one?

I sat down at my computer to write the lesson plan, which was going to be a math and reading lesson based on buying clothes from that stack of catalogues I have been meaning to get rid of, I thought, "I love those guys, but I have so much to do tonight, I don't have time for visitors." Shiimsa was on the counter when I was thinking that, but next thing I knew, she was on my shoulders, with her head against one of my cheeks and her back end against the other, and I thought this: "Right. You're not a visitor... You OWN the place!!!" Then I thought it's not like me at all to think that, shouldn't I be yelling at her or chasing her around the apartment or something? Does this have something to do with me looking like Mike with a wig? I'm confused.

Liz

Liz, you being confused is pretty usual. I'd be more concerned if U were not confused.

Apes