October Letters

Okay, so it's that time again. October letters from my fam are up again, & again my mom's done some editing. Not 2 bad this time, but still.

My letter: "What grows around comes around!" I sooooo did not write that. Thanx 4 throwing in that lame & senseless line, Ma. Oh, & U know Y our computer has a virus? Cuz my stoopid 'rents open every friggin' attachment they get in e-mail. Duh. And also, the original version of my "Jeremy Jones" paragraph went like this:

A couple of days ago, when I was walking home from the store, I ran into Jeremy Jones holding hands with Becky. They looked soooooooo cute! We talked about our gig @ the Freemans coming up this weekend & Jeremy mentioned Becky's demo tape. She was kinda shy about it.

I don't know Y Mom thought she had 2 go & change that, but it totally soundz like Jeremy was w/a girl other than Becks, so I wanted 2 clear that up.

Liz: I will let Liz write in about her letter, cuz she told me she wants 2 B the one 2 xplain it & let us know which parts Mom changed, etc.

Mom: So I'm more "headstrong" than Mike or Liz? Is that code meaning that I have a spine? Oh, & Mom? Your "but I most of them had turned" makes no sense. MayB U shd spend less energy "editing" my letter & work on yr own a bit harder. & so Mom's l8est fiction about me & Becky is that now we R only on "casual speaking terms". Whatevs, mom. & how lame is her theory abt team sports. BTW, I'll bet U won't B surprised 2 hear that Mom's big "author" breakfast was just an xcuse 4 Jelly Fatterson 2 gorge on more baked goods. She actually wrestled a danish out of Margaret Atwood's hands!

Dad: Oooh, I m soooooooooooooo rebellious! Please, as teens go, I'm pretty mild, doncha think? & Dad? Y oh Y do U keep going on & on abt this Ted guy that U barely know? Is this part of yr campaign 2 seem like U have interests other than trains? I swear that's the only reason he took up jogging, so he'd have something other than trains 2 write abt in the montlies.

Mike: Y on earth do U & Dee celebrate yr fakey-wedding anniversary insteada yr real 1? Bizarro. Oh, & yeah, we get it, U R like the best writer evah. Except in yr letters U don't seem like U can write v. well.

Dee: Oh, rite, poor, overworked Mike. Save yr energy 4 filling those scrips accurately, insteada making my bf OD on Prozac. Mike deserves about zero sympathy, if U ask me (& I know U totally did!).

Gramps/Iris: Iris bought a new dress! Zzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, & I tried that recipe of hers, but then Mom gobbled it up B4 I even had a chance to taste.

Pets: Hey, U know I had a long passage in their about Dixie & her havarti-cheese shits, but Mom cut that part out. She said the doody jokes R, like, her domain. So, boring pet letter again. I don't blame U if U wanna just skip over them.

Apes

Crop circles? From DANCIN'!

Dad was cracking me up this morning by doing this "narrator" voice & talking about the history of dentistry. He threw in some stuff from Seinfeld about persecution @ the hands of the dreaded anti-dentites. "Dentists: we are a proud people with many colourful rituals. These rituals include performing a 'cleaning', checking for 'cavities', and sometimes even doing mouth x-rays! We are known for wearing special clothing, namely medical scrubs and a 'mask' across mouth and nose. Some people think dentists purposely ask their 'patients' questions during dental procedures out of a sadistic desire 2 hear them say 'rmph, blrpt, mrgl, norph', but really it is because we are a naturally curious lot and we simply 4get that our patients cannot answer us w/their mouths full". And for all those bits in "quotes", Dad does little air quotes. I am totally LMAO when Mom strolls in w/that smug look she has B4 ea of these dull installments she's been doing all wk on Mtig culture, history, & wayz. But she drops that 4 a second w/"What is so darn funny?" I'm all "Nothing, Mom", but then Dad & I look @ ea other & bust out laughing & Mom's totally miffed. But then she recovers & she's all, "Well, put aside yr immature little inside jokes & get ready 2 learn something." & she tells us abt the noblenatives doing their dances in colourful traditional garb. The 1st dancers smush down the grass 4 the rest of the dancers, sez Mom. & she told us abt this 1 guy's comment, "Heh, and they think crop circles R made by aliens!" & she was all LOLOLOLOL @ this 4 abt 10 minutes, laughing w/her eyes closed & her big, puffy tongue stickin' out. So this gave Dad & me time 2 clear our breakfast dishes & get outta there!

So, Becky, Dunc, Ger & I will B meeting @ Becky's garage after school 2day 2 rehearse 4 the Freeman gig Saturday. Becks is feeling freaked out cuz she wants 2 B perfect 4 our big TV opportunity on the reality show the Freemans R having. & on top of that, her Mom's been disappearing w/health & licencing officials 2 convince them not 2 find problems with Krystle's Kakes & Pies. Becks, just lemme know whether U want me 2 give U space 2day or if U'd rather have me around 2 talk, K?

Apes

Traditional iPods

OMG, 4 sum reason Mom was snoring xtra loud last nite. Her snores practically shook the whole house & U cd hear them in every room. So I didn't get NE sleep & of course neither did Dad (who was rite next 2 that buzzsaw noise all nite). So after that, I really wasn't in the mood 2 hear Mom's next installment of "Mtiggy history & culture". I cd tell Dad totally wanted 2 do the "fake eyelid" trick fr. the other day, but Mom's on2 us & she actually inspects our eyelids now B4 she starts talking.

So NEway, Mom told us abt a powwow & emphasised that they had a BIG FEAST! Liz told me that Mom tried 2 eat everything that wasn't nailed down @ that feast & the noble natives were so, so sorry she'd been invited. Liz had pointed out 2 Mom that these gatherings alwayz include a "traditional giving of gifts", & Mom practically bust a gut when she overheard that 1 of the Mtiggies had given another 1 an iPod as his "traditional gifts". Cuz, U know, modern tech meets traditional giftgiving. & I'm gonna go catch the WHATEVER train now, Ma.

So big, big thanks go out 2 Liz 4 whatever it was she sed 2 Ma 2 keep her from 4bidding me 2 play the Freeman gig this weekend. Liz totally has something on her, but she doesn't know how much play she'll B able 2 get from it. But NEway, Liz, U rock!

Well, I'd better go. I C Gerald kinda drifting down the hall & I've gotta keep a closer eye on him since he 4got 2 go home last nite until the custodian found him @ 7:30. Yikers.

Apes

Elly Patterson, Mtigshizznet Historian

OMG, I am so achy 2day fr. that truth-or-dare thing we all did last nite. I can't believe Jeremy Jones actually kissed me when Becky dared him 2! I was sure he'd rather switch 2 truth or get a penalty than do that. I wd say that Jeremy knows what he's doing when he kisses, but I won't cuz I don't want 2 get Gerald & Becky mad @ me.

So, I'm having xtra strong coffee 2day w/sum Tylenol 4 gd measure when it's Mom time again. Dad actually kicked me under the table, which was bad cuz he kicked me in 1 of my sore spots, so I kinda half leapt out of my chair & had 2 pretend it was a big hiccup. Mom was 2 wrapped up in her storytelling 2 care that much. U shd have seen the smug look on her face when she started 2day's installment. This time, she wasn't ev. talking about Liz or the Mtigyaya ppl, but instead giving a little history lesson abt how the community's been there 4 as long as Ojibway-talking peeps remember, the sacred fire's alwayz been done in the same ol' stones, blah, blah, blah, "In every way, it is a place of worship." 4 sum reason there's supposed 2 B sum kinda funny contrast betw that statement & one of the wise natives up there saying "If we can raise a bit more money, we can fix the roof", but I just don't C it, do U? NEway, all this history stuff I've already heard fr. Liz, & she told it way better than Ma just did. I don't know Y Ma wants 2 B the big "noble natives of the North" historian 2day, but I have a bad feeling she'll wanna continue @ least thru Saturday B4 she findz something else 2 talk abt.

Dunc is xtra goo-goo eyed abt Kimmi this morning since she sed sum mushy stuff 2 him last nite in that truth or dare. @ least something gd came out of it!

Apes

Watch out for the bear droppings

U know that trick where U cut out pics of eyes and tape them 2 yr eyelids? So when U R so bored U don't know what 2 do U can close yr eyes but still look like U R paying v. v. close attention? Well, Dad & I decided 2 do that this morning. Cuz after yesterday, we had a feeling Ma was just warming up for a week's worth of breakfast reminiscences abt her time w/Liz up north. We were all ready 4 her when she showed up & started yakking away abt berries and bear poops, & we were totally getting away w/this whole eyelid trick. Until Dad started to SNORE. Oh, and DROOL. Boo. Mom had a total fit when she realized we'd been napping. & after she ripped our false eyes off our lids, she told her story all over again. Ugh. So apparently every1 thought it was big funny 2 warn Mom 2 watch out for the steaming mounds o' bear defecation. Now that's comedy. When yr life is terribly, terribly dull that is. Tho my mom admitted that the Jesse kid looked creepy when he laughed with his little stalker tongue sticking out.

NEway, I'm sorry my post is l8 2day. Since my mom had 2 tell her dumb story 2x 2day, I didn't get a chance 2 post B4 school. Then on the bus, Dunc wanted me 2 look @ pics he'd taken of himself & tell him which 1's made him look tough. Well, gotta go B4 I'm caught using my phone during school hrs.

Apes

There was something stinky. And a skunk, too.

So Mom is still reminiscing. & now she's backtracked 2 her arrival in Mtigtwodaysaway. WTF? So Vivian had cleaned the apt, but there was a skunk under the porch. Apparently, that creepy, stalkerish little kid Jesse was there 2 pt it out. So, Jesse, did you put that skunk under the porch? & now I'm really confused. I mean, it doesn't sound like NE1 else uses that apt after Lizzie is kicked out 4 the summer. She told us it was come home or find a place 4 just the break time. But Y don't those freaky school peeps just let Liz keep the apt all yr round if they're not using it 4 something else? Is there some "wise native" reason that U can only understand if U know how 2 talk Ojibway? And OMG, I know he's annoying & all, but don't U wonder what's goin' on with Mike, Dee, Merrie, Robin, & their freaky-deaky living sitch?

Well, it's a new school day & Gerald's back fr. the hospital. I can hardly w8 2 just sit around & talk 2 him. No, sit around & listen 2 him talk, cuz I've really missed his voice. Catatonia sux, ppl! NEway, I've gotta go, Dunc's trying 2 get my attention.

Apes out

Thanks, Connie!

I just hafta say, thanks, Connie, 4 going shopping w/my mom so I didn't have 2. Mom got it in her head 2 go 2 the mall brite & early again cuz they were having special sales w/limited, 1st-come, 1st serve merch. & somehow she roped Connie Poirier in2 going w/her. She just got back & I heard her tellin' Dad all abt how Connie's "pride" kept her fr. saving $ w/the senior discount. Ma was all, "I cd get used 2 this, John. I'm gonna go upstairz & make myself look even frumpier so more salespeople will assume I'm a senior! Whoo! Five bucks!" Dad sat down & kinda shook his head @ Mom's back as she went up the stairs. Then he muttered something abt how she needn't try so hard 2 look old & decrepit.

Dunc & his dad will B here l8r so our dads can play their little choo-choo gamez & Dunc & I can jam. Dunc sez Mom's been feeding Kimmi LaSalle's mom all kindsa stuff abt how he's a bad seed & even gave her a brochure abt getting law-enforcement 2 keep him away. This is so weird cuz my mom's alwayz going on & on 2 me abt how Dunc is like fam & he's so wonderful. Wait. OMG, Dunc, I think that's it. If my mom thinx of U as an honorary member of the fam, that meanz she thinx it's OK 4 her 2 meddle in2 yr love life. & she musta decided that Kimmi's not good enuf 4 U. OMG, that reminds me. I saw her holding a picture of U next 2 Keesha Grant's middle-school yearbook pic & saying how cute U'd look 2gether.

Oh, Dunc, I think Beckers is rite & U totally need 2 do that Hurricane Katrina benny @ the Freemans. Cuz it's gonna B massively gr8 exposure. & I know Huey & Riley wanna get U 2 do a bunch of rap stuff. Even some of yr own, cuz they found yr samples online. Now, just 2 prepare U, Huey's gonna want U 2 wear yr hair in a 'fro & Riley's gonna want U 2 do cornrows. MayB U shd shave yr head, LOL.

Apes

Mom is here, Liz is there, ee-yi-ee-yi-oh

So Mom's been rehashing all week, and this morning was no exception, even tho she was just telling us abt a convo she had w/Dad when she got back. Long trip, totally worth it, Liz situated, yada, yada, yada. But I didn't realise till just now that Liz has told Mom she's not coming home 4 Xmas. Gotta say I'll miss seeing U, Liz, but also WTG! Cuz shizzit, look what happs when U do come home. & it's not like U need another New Year's with Granthony. Mom was blathering on & on abt how "priceless" quality time is, & I almost spat out my triple-shot grande latte, cuz I'd just gotten a txt fr. Liz saying "OMG, Apes, can I even tell U how glad I am that my time w/Mom is over? I thought it was gonna B forever!"

Mom is off 2 take Iris 2 yardsales, cuz Gramps was all "I don't wanna do that hen stuff." Nice, Grampers.

Apes out

And then. . . . Mom was home

I told my dad abt how Becky's mom's getting implants 2day w/her alimony $. & Dad tried 2 force some lame Patterson joke using "support" checques vs. "support" fr. a bra, but I must say I tune him out when he makes jokes that have NEthing 2 do w/boobs. Cuz, ew, Dad. So I'm doing my little "la la la" song in my head at the kitchen table when Ma strolls in as usual & Dad & I look @ each other wondering what 2day's installment will B. & she's actually up 2 the part where she got home & I sicced the dogs on her. "Enthusiastic reception", my rear. Actually this was Dad's idea. He wanted 2 get her back for e-mailing that hiddy jail pic. He sed he'd been looking at sum luvly, luvly train pics on the 'puter, when all of a sudden he had that show up & it just killed his enthusiasm. Or sumthin'. I don't even wanna think abt it, peeps. So Dad was like, "Elly, we know this part, Y R U reviewing this?" She looked @ him blankly & sed "I'm putting it all in context, John. Context. U never appreciate these subtleties. Now, make sure U buy more danishes, muffins, donuts, bagels, scones, tarts, tortes, pies, Napoleans, beaver tails, and beignets on yr way home fr. the clinic 2day!"

NEway, it's finally Friday, but I can't even go out w/Gerald 2nite cuz he's in the hospital in his catatonic state fr. taking 2 much Prozac. I talked 2 his mom this morning & she sez they think he'll B like that 4 most of the wkend, tho he's showing signs of improvement. His Dad doesn't want me 2 visit, but his Mom sez I can stop by rite after school & stay 4 abt 15 min. or so & Dr. Forsythe will nev. know.

Gotta go,

Apes

Listening to Mom Makes Silence Sound Good, Too!

Dad & I were eating our breakfast & talking abt The Kids in the Hall. We just got our season-3 DVD's yesterday, yay! So Mom shuffles in2 the room, pours her coffee, & loads up her plate with muffins, scones, waffles, & danishes. Dad lks @ me & rolls his eyez. Then Ma sits down & she gets that look she has when she's abt 2 tell 1 of her stories. Dad kinda sighs & sez, "Lemme guess, El. U're gonna tell us sum more abt yr trip home." She smiles all britely & sez, "Y, yes! U C, on the way home, after I had that luvly nite's sleep @ the police station in Otter County*, I was listening 2 the radio & switching fr. bad music 2 bad talk 2 more bad music 2 ads 2 more bad talk. So finally I turned off the radio & had 1 of those moments of profound Elly clarity." Dad shoots me another 1 of his looks & I have 2 bite my cheek 2 keep fr. laughing. "It dawned on me that wilderness radio alwayz makes silence sound good!" & she looked @ us like she'd just imparted sum super wisdom on us. I sed, "But Ma, Y didn't U just give Liz's CD's another chance? U gave 'em like 3 seconds B4 U gave up on 'em the 1st time, right? How do U know there's nothing in there U like?" Mom just shook her head & said I missed the whole point of today's installment but she def. had more 4 us 2morrow. Dad sez, "Ooh scintillating." Then when Ma's reloading her coffee mug, he whispers, "MayB she'll tell us whether she saw NE moose on the way home. Or NE quaint highway signs or adorable hicks selling stuff by the road." Mom's all "What?" & Dad's like, "Oh, I was just telling April I can't wait 4 2 morrow's lesson", & Ma got that smug look she gets all the time.

I mentioned in my comments that Robert Freeman wants us 2 play @ his house 2 entertain the NOLA rellies, but I didn't really have deets yet. I got e-mail from his grandson Huey. It turns out that if we do it, we'll B featured on that new reality show their fam's gonna B doing on cable. He sez the network wd pay us, but he wasn't sure how much. Becky, I forwarded the e-mail 2 U & told him U're the 1 who's handling the biz end.

Mom wants me 2 help @ the store after school 2day. Alwayz such a joy (roll eyes).

L8r,

Apes

*The other OC, yo!

Constable Paul Wright?

So my mom's still talkin' abt her time w/those Otter County cops, but she oughta B done soon, since she's up 2 the part where she was abt 2 leave. That guy-cop gave the Liz pic back 2 Ma & asked if she was engaged. What a weird question! Ma tells him no & that she thinx it'll B a few more yrs B4 she meets Mr. Right. Sez she noticed as she sed this that they were passing an office door with "Constable Paul Wright" on it & she just luvved this cuz it was soooo punny. Right. Wright. My family = freaks.

Mom's been trying 2 cancel all those personals ads she's been posting online & in papers, but it's like trying 2 stick a genie back in2 a bottle. Liz already has 2 change her phone # & sez she mite hafta abandon her e-mail acct & just start a new 1. This is all v. v. embarrassing 4 her!

Ger was so anxious 2 see me this morning, he actually met me @ my door & walked me 2 the bus. He didn't wanna let go of my hand & kept tellin' me ov. & ov. that no matter what his dad sez or does, I'm the 1 he's crazee abt, not Becks. & he reminded me that Becks can't stand him NEway.

NEway, I mite not B able 2 post much 2day, cuz Ma got me in2 sum "student leader" thing that meets all day. Ew.

TTYL,

Apes

Mom's a living personals ad!

OMG. This morning, Mom told us what she said abt Liz 2 those cops: "Elizabeth is 24, adventuresome. . . A few years ago, she decided she wanted 2 teach up north. I don't know how she manages 2 keep track of several grades in 1 classroom, but she loves the challenge. She enjoys the outdoors and the lifestyle. She's alwayz been some1 who likes simple thingz."

Yeah, mom, and she likes romantic candlelit dinners, long walks by the beach, and cuddling by a roaring fire on a cold nite. WTF R U doing? So NEway, the chick-cop made a lame joke that the guy-cop shd look up Liz, cuz, y'know, she's in2 "simple thingz". Ooh, burn, Otter County copper-girl.

So Ger is still out of school 2day, but @ least he gets 2 go home & rest there. I'm not gonna C him till 2morrow morning, when he returns 2 school. Dr. Schlanger told Ger it wd B 2 dangerous 4 me 2 visit.

BFN,

Apes

Ma, Don't Be Pimping Liz!

So, Mom's still going on & on abt her version of what happened w/her nite @ motel del policia (I still think what Liz told us in her comments to this blog R the real deal). & so she tells us abt what seemz like a totally pointless convo reviewing the fact that she'd spent the nite @ the police station. It was late, nowhere else around 2 stay the nite, blahblahblahblahblah, like recap yrself much? When she told the male cop that she was on her way back fr. Mtighoohahananananana 2 C Liz, she pulled out the gihugic pic of Liz that she carriez around w/her alwayz. & I guess that pic musta made a big impression, cuz Liz is pretty sure she saw an "Otter County" cruise car trolling around with a cop who was kinda staring @ her. Which made her a little nervous.

Anyway, it's a new school week, & we've got a big test coming up in math class this Friday. Ew, yuck. And Gerald is missing school again today, with yet another injury 2 his boy parts, this time fr. getting them stuck in a massage table. WTG, Ger. He called me from his hospital rm 2 say he's not that badly injured & shd B back in school Wednesday. I'm supposta drop his homework off @ the hospital.

Apes out

Dad's a BAD Grandpa!

Mike and Dee came by early this morning & dropped off Merrie & Robin so Dee could have a "spa day" and Mike could have a "sit around with Weed an' pretend he's still in university" day. Weird, Mike's day soundz pretty much like his normal routine.

So while Mom & I were inside playing w/Robin, Dad was showing off his choo-choos 2 Merrie. Poor kid, she wanted 2 play w/her grandpa's toys, but he kept telling her not 2 touch. Finally, she lets out a huge cry, & Ma goes out 2 C what's wrong. & Merrie's all, "Grampa won't share!!!" Me=ROTFLMAO!

Weird how sometimes Merrie, who turns 3 next month, can look like she's maybe 7 or 8. Today, she's got her hair in 2 ponytails, like how Becky useta wear her hair when we were littles. & she almost looks like a mini-Becks. Dee, R U sure U didn't have a secret baby when U were 15 & adopt her out 2 the McGuires? (JK, Becks, I know U don't wanna B related 2 Dee!)

So we had soooooooooo much fun playing @ the big Sam Driver party yesterday. We enjoyed playing 2gether as a band again, even if it's 4Sometymz insteada 4Evah.

Dunc, Ger & I will take U up on yr invite 2 meet U @ Tim Horton's. I cd def. use some of that Horny Tim's coffee! Cya @ 2!

Apes

Jailbird pic

Well, Liz posted a comment yesterday abt how she heard thru the grapevine that Mom's nite @ the "cop motel" wasn't cuz she'd been sleeping @ the side of the road, but cuz she'd been weaving around on the road like a stinkin' drunk. Well, this a.m. she was continuing her story abt all this, saying how they did a joke pic of her behind bars & all 2 e-mail 2 Dad, but he was looking at her all, hm, I dunno-like.

And gah, I really don't even want 2 talk abt that so-called d8 last nite that got all ruined (again) this time cuz not only my 'rents, but Gpa Jim, Iris, and Gerald's 'rents all felt the need 2 tag along. Sure, they let us sit in front while they sat in back, but that didn't stop 'em from ruining it. But y'know, I don't ev. want 2 talk abt that rite now, other than 2 say I'm thinking hard abt running away 2 live w/Unk Phil & Auntie Georgia in Montreal. & changing my name 2 Avril.

l8r,

"Avril"

Big Stars of Tired

My dad seems kind of annoyed that my mom is only telling a little bit of her story each morning. On the other hand, we're sort of used 2 that. So Mom was surprised 2 find she'd been taken 2 a police station 4 the nite. She got 2 sleep in the staff rm insteada in a cell. She sez she was, like, ridiculously tired. She felt like she had big stars of tired coming out of her head or sumthin'.

Looks like things are moving pretty fast between Duncan & Kimmi LaSalle, though I think some parents R trying 2 slow them down. It also lks like Kimmi mighta gotten in2 my Blogger acct last nite. I guess "scaryelly" was 2 EZ a p'word 2 guess. I've gone & changed 2 sumthin' more random. Now, don't go trying that again, Kimmi!

In other news, wooooooooo, it's Friday! Ger & I R gonna go see that new Reese Witherspoon movie, Just Like Heaven, & then dinner @ the food court.

L8r, gators!

Apes

The Slammer Motel

Over breakfast this morning, Mom was telling Dad some more abt her trip. She sez after she fell asleep by the side of the road, a coupla cops woke her up & said it wasn't safe 2 sleep "roadside", so they'd take her someplace 2 have a good night's sleep & hot breakfast in the morning. Then they pulled in2 "Correctional Services Parking". Hmmm, mayB this whole "trip" story is turning in2 Mom's way of x-plaining how she turned up in the slammer? I wonder if this is what really happened?

Hey, Becks, R U OK? Yr peeps were all thinking U'd write in last nite, so, U know. Worried now.

Aw, Dunc keeps holding up a pic of Kimmi LaSalle (see Kimmi, I learned how U spell it!) & winking. I think he mite B in luv!

Apes

Mom Sleeping Roadside (snerk!)

Mom's talking abt her trip again this morning, saying 2 Dad how after she found the motel no longer in biz she drove off & was kicking herself 4 driving while so tired, since she alwayz tells Mike & Liz not 2 do that. Then she pulled ov. 2 the side of the road & slept in the car. Dad's all, "Elly, why didn't U just sleep in the parking lot of that old motel?" And my mom's like, "But what if Norman Bates lives there?" & Dad's like, "U R a crazee broad!"

Becky's got her court hearing this morning 2 determine custody. I begged Mom & Dad 2 let me go, cuz Becks was really freaked abt this hearing & didn't even know what she was going 2 tell the judge. But they were like, "No, Apes, U stay out of this" & handed me a juice box. Like I'm 8! Good thing I have my thermy of strong coffee. NEway, shout out goes 2 Becks, who needs our good thoughts rite now.

Apes

Not the only idiot?

Fun fact abt my dad: whenever my mom refers to herself as an idiot? He nev argues that she's not! Fascinating, no? NEhoodles, B4 Mom left 2 drive Liz back to Mtigwhynotanormalname, he sez he told her, "Elly, don't 4get 2 stop @ the 1st motel U see as soon U're feeling tired. Don't try 2 push it & wait 4 the next motel. U never know 4 sure the next 1 will even B open". But, according 2 Mom, she did the opp of Dad's advice, & then sat in the lot of a closed-up motel thinking "Surely I'm not the only idiot who's come by". Well, Dad's not x-actly the type who won't tell U "I toldya so", lemme tell U.

But I've gotta cut this entry short cuz Dunc is in a panic abt that European Geography Quiz. He's tuggin' @ my sleeve & saying ov. & ov. "Which 1 is Rhine & which is Rhone?"

TTYL

Apes

Mom on the Road

OK, so Mom's been back from Mtiglalalalalalalalalala for a while now, but 4 some reason this morning she was suddenly in the mood 2 talk about her trip back. This morning ov. breakfast, she was complaining 2 Dad abt the music Liz gave her 2 listen 2 on the way home. "Y can't she B in2 Bobby Curtola like a normal person?" Mom and Dad weren't really talking 2 me this morning cuz they were mad @ me abt that "date" w/Gerald last nite.

Becky wanted 2 know Y I'm so mad @ Ger & what's the biggie abt making out w/yr bf @ the movies. Well, there's nothing wrong w/making out @ the movies & I totally wd have been in2 it. IF MY PARENTS WEREN'T SITTING WITH US. Sorry, Ger, but I can't get in the mood 4 that with my dad next 2 me & my mom next 2 U. & guess what, Becks? If Ger had bothered 2 find out what I wanted 2 do instead of making all these planz w/out me I woulda said come ov. & help me study vocab, just like U & Jeremy did. & guess what? He woulda got some lovin'. I totally mean that.

As it is, I mite end up grounded cuz my 'rents totally think that it was my idea 2 have Ger call them & talk them in2 letting us go out on a school nite. & then Ger's dad told my dad about Ger going 2 Dr. Willy "Perv" Schlanger. So then, cuz my dad knows this guy's rep, he suddenly thought we had this big plan 2 go roadside. & he wanted 2 cancel. But my mom, 4 sum bizarre reason, sed that we'd all go instead so they could "monitor" us. But based on Howie's post last nite, I wonder if it's just cuz she wanted cinema food.

NEway, I've been studying my flash cards 4 vocab, but I'm still pretty frazzy. Oh, & also, the only thing Mom sed directly 2 me this morning was sumthin' about wearing my hair in a very, very tight bun "like Becky's nice music teacher."

BFN, Apes

Shopping with Elly

My mom insisted we go 2 the mall brite & early 2day cuz the stores were having 70% off sales. I don't know why she ev. bothered when she knew I cdn't wear NE of those cute clothes 2 school w/our lame-o uniforms. It's like she wanted 2 torture me. Like if yr doc tells U that U have 2 have nothing but clear broth 4 24 hrs & some-Elly takes U 2 all the finest restaurants where U can watch every1 else eat yr fave foods while U slurp on yr broth. Besides, I don't know why she didn't let me get some cute little lowrisers 2 wear on the weekends & after school. I don't live in my uniform, right? And, I mean, 70% off! But the only thing Mom wd let me buy were socks. Socks. So I imagined sitting in class wearing my dull uniform and some butt-ugly but brightly coloured socks. Don't worry, I'm not actually gonna wear those.

Well, Becky's pool party turned out 2 B a huge disaster, what w/Jeremy needing stitches & Ger w/his private parts in traction fr. getting over-excited. Oh, and Ger totally needs to dump that doctor of his. Dr. Perv.

In other news, the Patterson family album has some pics of me that Rn't half bad, esp. the third one in on row 1. So why, why, why, did they have 2 make me look so dumpy in the drawing they made for the "teenage April" paper doll? Was I bad that day? In other news, Dee likes word-search puzzles. Cuz, y'know, crosswords R hard, yo! ;)

Apes

Pool Party 2Day!

Yeah, I was gonna give this post a title that had something 2 do w/4-Evah not being "ovah" but I cdn't bring myself 2, not when I've got a pool party 2 look forward 2! NEway, after I stopped by Gramps's place last week, Ger, Dunc, & I decided 2 start practicing again. Gramps is so gonna think this was all cuz of his "good enough" talk, but it's not. I was already starting 2 come out of my funk on my own, & when it looked like Gramps was gonna go on 4 days & days about "good enough" I decided that was as good a time as NE. Gah, I mean one conversation can seem 2 go on 4 a month in my world! I stopped by my dad's practice 2 make sure it was OK 2 practice @ Ger's, & when I left, he was hangin' out w/ Dr. "Morsel". I have a feeling my dad musta made some lame "Patterson" comment 2 Morsel after I left, but I guess I don't care. . . .

Well, Becks's party starts in three hours. Whooooooooo! I'm gonna wear that bikini I didn't get a chance to wear this summer, & I'm bringing my guitar cuz Becky wants us 2 have a sing-along. Ger changed his mind from yesterday, when he said he wasn't gonna go. He talked 2 his doc again & promised he'd sit in a lounge chair & take it EZ, & the doc said OK. Since Ger's nervous about his privates, tho, he sez he's gonna wear a cup!

L8r, peeps!

Apes

Good Enough

After the 1st day of school, I stopped by 2 visit Gramps @ the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace & he cdn't believe we were breaking up the band. I told him what Becky'd said about "not good enough" (tho she'd actually said "good enough, but not for me"--which can ev. B taken a coupla diff wayz, but U know me when I'm in a funk). So Gramps is all, well U had fun & isn't that the pt (but notice he didn't say "U guyz rawk!" Hhmmmm). So he said he cd go on & on about "good enough" & 2 stop him (U don't wanna let Gramps go on & on about NEthing, believe me) I was, like, "That's good enough" & gave him a kiss on the cheek, which almost alwayz helps with the Gramps shut-ups. But now I'm a bit ashamed cuz that sounded like more Patterson lame trying-2-B wordplay.

BTW, Gerald is home sick fr. school. He's sitting in bed with an icepack on his, um, boy area, fr. that kick Jeremy Jones gave him (defending Becky's honour). I don't know whether he'll feel good enough (hey, here we go again!) 2 post 2day, but here's a get-well shout out 2 ya, Ger!

Apes

"Disbanded". Ha. Only not.

After the phony fight w/Becks, Gerald cd tell something was bothering me, & he stayed w/our whole theme by telling me "Don't let Becky get you down, April. We can find another lead singer." But it wasn't Becky getting me down, it was me getting me down. I mean, I know Laura made a big deal @ the farm abt ppl coming 2 see me, but like I said B4, they cd have been coming for the food or 2 borrow stuff. Or mayB they just like Unk Danny & Auntie Bev. It cd happen. They R pretty nice & all. So I'm just feeling like my guitar playing is kinda lame. Did U notice that neither Dunc nor Ger said NEthing like, "But April, yr guitar playing is really good"? No, they just made lame not-jokes. "Ovah". "Disbanded". I guess if even my bandmates can't bring themselves 2 say I'm good, then I musta been right about my lamitude.

NEway, I'll tell U some more abt this 2morrow, if U R still awake then. . . . 2day, guess what? I'm wearing my hair down! U got it! Down! Of course, it'll turn out that no1 has a camera or NEthing & it'll B like it nev. happened. But here's the dealio. After I passed Mom's "hair inspection" this morning & got on the bus, I took my hair down out of the propellor bun. Nothing fancy, just down & brushed out. Some kids @ school actually thought I was new. & some were all "Where's April Patterson? Is she in school 2day?" I'd better remember to rebun B4 I get home, tho.

Cya, Apes

Numbers 1 & 2

That whole thing w/number 1 & number 2 sounded sooooooooooo much better in rehearsal. Remind me not 2 go in2 acting (can U imagine my dad's lecture abt how lonely an actor's life is?). After I said that, I looked ov. & noticed Ger behind us, looking--I dunno, scared & hopeful @ the same time. What, Ger, were U hoping Becky & I wd get in2 a catfight or something? BTW, some kid we don't know yelled, "Take your stupid, lame fight outside, ya foobs!" And his friend goes, "Especially U, fountainhead!" Why did I hafta listen 2 Dad when he said my hair looked good like that?!?!?!

In case U didn't see it in the comments 2 yesterday's post, Becks has corrected me abt her dad. She does visit him every oth. weekend. & it's just jail, not prison. Sorry about that boo boo.

Apes

Fake Fight Continues

So, we were continuing our lame fake fight on day 1 of school, but Becky worked in sum real stuff, which is good 2 do when U improv. The thing about her parents having split up & the thing abt living w/her mom? True. But Becky can't visit her dad @ the prison every other weekend. He is paying 4 the voice lessons tho. & yeah, it's true about the gigs, like the Bumsteads & the Morgans. But free? Only if $500 CAD sounds like free 2 U. But we didn't want teachers being all in2 Becks's biz w/the $. Oh, & Jeremy Jones being her roadie? Becks thru that in cuz Jeremy had just asked her that morning if he cd help her out. Cuz he heard about the Bumsteads' party & thinx he mite get tip$ fr. all those rich ppl who hire Becks.

I can't believe I said that stupid line about Becky being a really big sound system. So, so lame. I guess I'm pretty sucky @ improv.

In other news, Becky & Gerald, I'm so sorry I let my imag. go crazee when U weren't posting 4 so long. I've gotten so used 2 hearing fr. U, & hearing fr. U a lot, that I cdn't help thinking sumthing was wrong.

Dunc was nice enuf 2 bring ackee & codfish this morning. I thought it was a bit early 4 fish of NE kind, but this was really good. So much better than NEthing my mom ever makes. & we shared coffee fr. my thermos, xtra strong stuff. I'm gonna need it!

Apes out

Superficial Friendships

Well, the 1st day of school has come and gone, but it's probably going 2 take @ least 6 days this wk 4 me 2 discuss what happed on that 1st day. Then on Sunday, I'll talk about sumthing completely diff, but may or may not return 2 this subject the next day. Wait & see!

We'd sort of rehearsed our fake fight, & we were planning 2 have a more drawn out convo about whether we can ev. have a true friendship again. But Becks had also warned me she mite wanna "improv" a bit, & her line abt having a superficial friendship? Total improv. Tomorrow, I'll discuss what we did & said next.

Meanwhile, Ger & Becks were supposta B workin' on a geog project 2gether, but I cdn't find them NEwhere even tho Becks sed come on by. I mite just have been missing them, but I guess I'll B finding out?

L8r, Apes

I Don't Wanna Think About It

I just remembered something that happened once. My mom & dad went over 2 Connie and Greg's place next door. While Mom & Connie sat outside, talking & laughing & laughing & talking, Dad & Greg looked thru the window & tried 2 guess what was so funny. Dad was all, "they're laughing at us", & when Dad & Greg went outside, they suddenly got all quiet. So Greg guessed that Dad musta been rite.

I wasn't invited, but I didn't care cuz I was in the basement, making out w/Gerald but w/out letting him get past 1st base. Even tho Gerald was all "pls baby pls baby pls." So alluva sudden, Dad comes storming in & I think I'm totally toast, but he barely notices what we're doing. "Oh, hi, Gerald. April, I need you to go next door & ask your mom what was so funny." Me: ??? Dad: "Come, on, fuzziekins, be a pal." So B4 Dad has a chance 2 call me by NE more embarrassing names, I'm all, ok, & I go next door.

"Oh, hey, Mom. Ms. Poirier. So, uh, I noticed you were laughing. What was so funny NEway?"

My mom: "April, don't you worry about what was so funny. It was about what happens between mommies and daddies, so it was none of your business!" Then she & Connie look @ each other & laugh all over again. I go back & tell Dad, & he just gets this pissy look on his face & goes back 2 his train room. After that, I just wanted 2 wash my brain. NEway, I don't even know what made me think of that day.

Cya, Apes

Becky & I Have a Plan, Peeps

When I was at Becky's house that last time, we came up w/a plan. U C, my mom 4 some reason wants 2 believe we're still in a snit over the whole band thing from grad. We've actually been all thru this & we're over it, but my mom knows lots of teachers in this school. Like I said in the comments 2 my last post, I think my mom even had something 2 do w/school starting so early. She was on a special committee. NEway, she def. plans 2 "check in" w/some of the teachers she knows, & if what we're saying doesn't match w/what my mom thinx is going on, she's totally going 2 try 2 control everything. So we decided 2 pretend we're still on the outs. NE1 C how surprised I looked 2 find Becks behind me in that classroom? We totally planned that, peeps! NEway, Dunc & Ger, don't 4get 2 play along!

Better stop here! I just saw a teacher & I don't want my phone taken away.

Apes

Dialects & Stuff

Becks & I were up wayyyyyyy late last night. By the time Marjee dropped me off at my house, it was, like, 2 AM. Dad didn't notice cuz he was still in his train room. I could hear him singing to his choo-choos when I got back. Becks felt much better after we'd had some bad food, lots of bad TV, & trashy mags. We're both kinda worried that the cliques @ hi school R gonna pull us in diff directions, but we promised 2 push against that.

So, NEway, I didn't get much sleep last nite, so I was a bit out of it 4 the 1st day of school. & when I was walking down the hall, the kidz were talking a bit diff. to how the mid-sch kidz talk, & I was thinking it was, like, a diff. dialect. Tho now that I've had sum coffee fr. my thermos, I realize I was freaking ov. nothing. Man, I was so flipped, I was just kinda randomly putting my hand on some1's shoulder in the hall. She was, like, "xcuse me?" & I'm all, "Sorry, I thought U were some1 else." I know, lame.

U know, if I had a normal mom, I'd B a bit bummed that she wasn't around 4 my 1st day of high-school. (If U suddenly hear that she was waiting 4 me @ home after my 1st day, just know that this is Patterson propaganda!) But since my ma is, well, who she is, I'm sorta glad she wasn't here. I mean, she makes it pretty obvs. that she luvs Liz more than she luvs me, which is why she was all, "Road trip!" Mom denies it, but it's like, I know I was an "oops" baby, & tho my mom tried 2 do the whole "surprise vs. accident" thing, she kind of 4gets about me when Liz is around.

& my Dad's a whole oth. thing. This morning, after he came stumbling out of his train room, he gave me a weird look & said, "My, my, Rn't U a pretty lil thing in yr new school uniform?" I went running out of the house w/out NE breakfast, tho I had a protein bar & my coffee thermos packed up already, so yay on that.

Well, gotta run. I'm sending this post fr. my phone betw. classes, but if I get caught, my phone'll B taken away!

Apes

September Letters

OK, so the September letters from my fam R up, so time 2 make my usual comments on them.

U might be wondering why I wrote that Becky & I haven't talked in months, when obvs we've been in touch thru the whole summer. That's totally my mom's doing. I actually wrote a bunch of other stuff about what Becks has been doing this summer, but my mom decided the "official" version is that Becky & I haven't been talking & that I need a new girl friend. She said it just "looks bad" for a Patterson 2 B best buds w/such an ambitious girl. Oh, and she was totally pissed at Grandpa Jim for writing,

That Becky girl in April's band is very talented. She'll do well for herself, and she seemed like a nice enough kid. Can't expect her to have all the social graces at her age - these things take time to learn. Heck, some people my age haven't even mastered 'em. As soon as she learns to go places without squashing too many toes, she'll be all set. I hope someday April will mend her friendship with Becky - you never know when a singer will need a backup band!

My mom totally tried to make him change it to "That Becky girl in April's band may be pretty, but that will only get her so far, especially since she's a rude, only child." Gramps was all, "Elly, I'm still your father, and you can't make me do anything". Though after nagging him for about three hours, she did get him to add "The most important instrument we have is our voice - and if you don't have a friend to talk to, what good is having talent. It'd be a pretty empty life if you ask me." Other than that, Gramps's letter is a big ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, but it's true.

Liz is obviously in a bad mood since so many people have been giving her advice about her "going after" this summer. And the whole Anthony sitch. Plus she's trying 2 B, like, my career counselor:

I'd like April to look through the binder we made up. Professional Musician is among the contents, thanks to Uncle Phil, and so are a number of other jobs April would be good at. She's been talking about horses nonstop lately. Could she end up as a breeder or trainer? It's interesting to think about, anyway.

Mike feels guilty about hiding out in Weed's studio instead of spending time with Dee and the kidz. Good! Can U believe he's considering quitting his job @ Portrait when he & Dee R alwayz complaining about not having enuf $? And it soundz like Dee's being 1 of those "enabler" types U alwayz hear abt on the daytime talk showz.

So, is it just me, or does it sound like my mom & my dad R both in, like, some big, gigantic hurry 2 get me out of the house? Geez, I'm only 14! MayB I need 2 move in w/Becks. That wd show them, now, wdn't it?

Apes out

whatevs

Since I never get tired of making fun of my fake blog, I'll pretend for a second that I'm posting there. Oh, look, peeps, a bunch of random pix that mean nuthing 2 U! Enjoy! LOL!







Okay, now back 2 my normal bloggin'. . . .

Well, now I'm not sure what deets 2 believe abt Gerald and Duncan's nite @ The Gig this past Saturday, where Kortney was auditioning 2 B a pole dancer. I mostly believe Ger's big confession & what Howard heard fr. Kortney, but then l8r, Ger posted w/sum ?'s 4 Dunc (oh, sorry, MC DunC) abt his part in everything. It's like I said in one of my comments, this is just like that movie Rashomon.

NEway, I have 2 fig. out what 2 wear 2 school. We have 2 wear uniforms, but we have diff. shirts, sweaters, pants, and skirts 2 choose fr. So I still have 2 decide which combo lks the best on me, only I'm stuck with navy blue, grey, white, and plaid. This is such a pain. I'm calling Becks!

Apes, deciding