Liz, U LIAR!

Tell me if U can spot the Liz-lie. Liz told Paul, "When I was offered a summer teaching job in Mississuaga, I was so happy I cried. I knew then that I cdn't stay here. I miss my family 2 much! --I want 2 go home." Remember how Liz had told Paul that she only just realized all this stuff abt B-ing, like, crippled w/the homesickness an' having 2 move back south? Well, she'z known abt the Mississuaga thing 4 abt a month--remember she wrote about it in her May letter!! Liz, U LIED!

So, Paul was, like, "So, the decision is made. All right. I'll ask abt a transfer south." And Liz was, like, "U will? Seriously?!" And she threw her arms around his neck. She sez that when she let go he had this look on his face, sorta dumbfounded-like, and she had a weird feeling he'd just been thinking "I'll ask... I don't know how seriously."

Liz told me, "U know, April, one of the things I will NOT miss is the hideous moose tapestry that Gary an' Vivian have hanging over my sofa! Gah, that thing makes me want 2 cry. And sometimes I have this weird feeling I'm living in this bizarre place that someone drew using a str8-edge, with all the books and other flat objects lined up all 2 perfectly!"

NEway, since Liz lied abt the timing of her wanting 2 move back "home", I'm hoping she'z not holding back NE other major liez from Paul, esp. if he'z really gonna follow her south and pull his whole life apart!

BTW, Dunc, how R thingz w/yr Mom an' Dad now that yr Dad's back? Did U ever find out Y he took off like that? And Y he ended up hanging w/Illusionist-Arne of all peeps?

Apes

Think, think, think!

Liz told me what happed next, after Paul told her she needz 2 talk 2 herself more often. They sat down on the couch, and Paul was, like, "Wow. I feel like I've been hit!" And Liz was all, "I'm so sorry. I don't want 2 lose U! ...I'm so confused." Confused? Then, "U cd move south 2! There R so many opportunities in the city! ...Come w/me." And Paul was all, "Let me think. Just let me think. I've lived here all my life. I've only been south 2 take courses... And I thot U loved this area. I thot U loved ME!" And Liz was, like, "I do!!" Ooh, is this the first timeU told him this, Liz?!?!?!? Or just the first time U told me abt telling him? OK, well, either way, Paul sed, "Then, sign the contract and come back 2 Mtigwaki. And Liz took her turn 2 say "Let me think. Just let me think."

So, peeps, mayB there'z hope 4 these two? I hope so!

Apes

Poor Paul!

OMG, I feel sooooooooooooooooooo bad 4 Paul! Liz, like, finally told him abt how she hasn't signed her contract 2 teach in Mtig in the next school yr. And Paul was all, "U haven't signed yr contract?" And Liz was like, "I don't know what 2 do, Paul. I miss my home so much!" Understandably enuf, Paul was all, "This is home, Elizabeth. I thot we'd live here." And wd U believe Liz was all batting her eyelashes an' asking "We?" Like this had come outta nowhere. And Paul hadta say, "U know I want 2 B w/U. I put in 4 a transfer so I cd B closer! --Please sign yr contract!" And Liz? "And then what? A yr from now I'd still want to move home." Paul wanted 2 know, "Y didn't U tell me this B4?" Gr8 question, Paul! Liz: "It's sumthing I just realized." At this point, even Shiimsa was disgusted w/Liz and jumped down from her arms. Poor Paul turned away, walking off and saying "Then, U shd talk 2 yrself more often." OMG, how true is that?!?

Poor, poor Paul! How is it that w/all this "Boohoo, I'm so hooooomesick" shizz, Lizzie hasn't stopped 4 a mo and considered that Paul wants 2 B w/her so much he PUT IN 4 A TRANSFER 2 SPRUCE NARROWS? And how has it not crossed her mind that if she'z gonna casually not sign her contract and make a decision indecisively, she hasta clue him in while he has time 2 friggin' cancel it? What was he gonna do after he hauled his arse out 2 SN, where 4 all she knowz he doesn't know a soul, only 2 have her pack up knapsack an' move back 2 Mommy an' Daddy's place, cuz she'z still nev grown up and she still thinx of the big house on Sharon Drive as "home"? Liz, U can't DO THAT 2 ppl!!!!

Ugh, sumtymez Liz just makes my head hurt, eh? I'm glad I had so much fun yesterday in TO w/Eva (Ehvva), Marjee, Howard, and his auntie and uncle, after we proved 2 Mike that the "hair curse" really exists (I can't change my hairdo--Eva, Dee, and even Merrie can't change their hairdos)! The borscht was delish, the bowling was so much fun, as were the museum, dancing, and everything else. And U R a fantastic listener, Howard! Like U say, it's good 2 have sum1 who can just listen an' not judge or make a punny comeback.

Apes

Ew

I love Gramps, but I don't wanna B thinkin' abt his false teeth. I just don't. I don't wanna think abt them "tast[ing] like modelling clay" cuz Merrie used them as a clay cutter when she visited Gramps an' Iris recently. I hear Merrie's wearing the traditional Patterson-girl ponytail on a fulltime basis now. What a shame! (Mike's gonna write in & say that it's not a shame, but it is. Merrie's got pretty hair. She shd B able 2 wear it loose!)

Howard, it mite B a gd idea 4 U 2 warn yr auntie & unk that Merrie is going thru this phase where she usez all kinda unusual "found objects" 2 cut an' mold her clay. There's no telling what items of theirs she'll B in2 4 that!

Dunc, I'm so glad U guyz found yr Dad! How weird that he was hangin' w/Arne Larson in Niagara Falls!

Apes

Liz h8s coming rite out an' SAYING things!

This is sumthing I guess Vivian has had 2 find out the hard way. Liz doesn't wanna hafta come rite out an' SAY whatev she's thinking or deciding, esp. when it's sumthing that trubs her. U hafta work yr way thru the cluez.

So Liz told me what she an' Viv talked abt next in the convo I was tellin' U abt yesterday morning. Viv was all, "Have U signed next season's contract?" And Liz was all, "No." Viv was all, "Then yr mind is made up." Liz didn't say NEthing 2 that. She told me she wasn't gonna ever say NEthing, that she was hoping that Gary an' Vivian were gonna drop the whole "contract" ish until after Liz had gone home 4 the summer. With an offer from that school in Markham firmly in her hand. Then she'd be, like, "Oh, did I not tell U I wasn't coming back? Silly me. Slipped my mind!" But NEway, Viv went on w/"And what abt Paul? He'z already applied 4 a transfer 2 Spruce Narrowz." And Liz was, like, "I know. But, he likes Toronto, Viv. He could move down south." Viv was all, "Perhaps. If U're not coming back here 2 teach in the fall, he shd know as soon as possible. ... He's building his future around U." Liz sez the next thing she did was bury her head in2 her handz, like really, really hard! And she had this feeling Viv was having sum v. pointed thot abt her just then. When Viv came back 2 the table, Liz asked her if this was true, and Vivian sed, "Y yes! How spooky that U knew! Rite after I sed that Paul's building his future arond U, I thot that a building needs a firm foundation." And Liz sed, "Wow, that line, it's like a punny not-quite punchline. R U sure we're not rel8ed?"

So I was saying 2 Liz that Viv's got a pt. If she knowz she doesn't wanna return to Mtiglalala in the fall, she totally has 2 tell Paul so's he can cancel that transfer request. Imagine he gets it approved and he pulls up his roots 2 B in Spruce Narrows an' closer 2 Liz only 2 have Liz B all, "Oh, did I 4get 2 mention that I'm not coming back up north this fall? How 'bout U request another transfer, this time 2 Toronto. That wdn't B a prob, now wd it?" Liz got kinda defensive an' sed, "Now, April, I don't C what's wrong with that strategy! And really, Paul shd just figure out from my trail of cluez that I'm not returning 2 the north after the summer break. He should use his deductive reasoning skillz and cancel the transfer request on his own! I h8 it when ppl don't just figure these things out on their own!" Then she hung up on me. When I tried 2 call he back, I just got voicemail.

Apes

P.S. Howard, I haven't heard NE rumourz abt U, Anita, an' Marjee. Has NE1 heard NEthing?

Str8 Line, Punchline, Snare Drum, Rolleyez!

Liz told me she cdn't stand holding everything inside NEmore an' decided 2 go talk 2 Vivian. She sed she told Vivian she had 2 talk 2 her and that Vivian sed she'd been hoping she wd and asked what was wrong. Liz told her abt being so homesick that she "can't stand it", even tho she loves being in Mtiglala, loves her job, and has made good friends She told Viv she misses her fam, and Viv was all, "You're a southerner, Elizabeth. Like so many ppl, U came 2 the north looking 4 adventure, xperience. ...U didn't come here 2 stay." Which is so not true. I mean, at least according 2 Liz when she was student teaching and first planning 2 move up there. NEway, Liz told Viv, "Part of me wants 2 stay. Part of me wants 2 leave!" Vivian responded, "And... U don't know if U're coming or going." Then, Liz told me, "April, I seriously cringed. It was like Vivian just took my heartfelt admission and turned it into a str8 line 2 set up her punchline, which made me feel, at least 4 that moment, as though she really didn't care about me and what I was going thru." I told her I knew xactly how she felt, cuz ppl alwayz seem 2 B doing that in our circle of fam, friendz, & acquaintances. U almost xpect 2 hear the snare drum an' the canned laffter from radio audiences long dead! NEway, I totally sympathize!

And man am I ever tired! I'm sooooo glad it's Friday. I am totally draggin' arse after sneaking out 2 C that midnite showing of Xmen3 w/Ger, Jeremy, Eva, Dunc, Zed, an' Charles Wallace. It's a wonder I managed 2 sneak out an' sneak back in w/out my 'rents seeming 2 notice. But the weird thing w/them is they kinda switch back an' forth between having me under a total microscope an' like almost completely 4getting I xist. Lucky 4 me, they were in "April who?" mode! LOL!

Apes

Recapping 2 Liz again!

Liz has been so quiet l8ly, I figged I'd send her another upd8. So I e-mailed:

Dear Elizabeth, guess what! We got a new keyboard player and our band is gonna be even better than it was before! The new name is "4Evah and Eva"--'cause Eva is our lead singer, and she is AMAZING! Gerald an' I are still a "couple" and that's so cool. My marks are good, an' I've got summer work lined up.... So, everything is great right now! My life is really coming together!

Love, April

Liz wrote back that the first thing she thot after reading my message was "...And mine if falling apart." That's all she told me. Didn't xplain. I wonder what's up w/her. I mite have more 2 tell abt her 2morrow. I hope so, cuz that mite B an interesting topic, eh?

When I was typing my message, I was also thinking about how the keyz always go "tap tick-tap tap, tick tap-tap, tikka." An' it's the same with all they keyboards my fam memberz use. Weird. Also, I type with my handz flying way up over the keyboard, insteada keeping my hands grounded on the home keyz like they taught us in the keyboarding class we hadta take in grade 8. It's a wonder I can touch-type that way!

And Y'd I use "amazing"? I have this feeling every1's way overusing that word l8ly!

Apes

"Eva" Fits on the Drum Kit

K, so whoev bet $ that our band was gonna B renamed 2 "4Evah and Eva", U all can collect! I dunno, I was kinda warming up 2 the idea of a whole new band name, but Ger'z like really fixated on not having 2 change the lettering on hiz drumz much. Poor Eva was so flattered when he suggested "4Evah... and Eva" after our rehearsal 2 Saturdayz ago. She waz all, "R U serious? U'd put me in the title?" And Ger deflated her a bit when he was all, "Yeah!!! --It fits on the drum!" Me, I'm not sure Y I was all, "Good 1" when Ger sed the new band-name. It's not like this "new" name hasn't been floatin' around since when I had that convo w/Gramps @ his b-day celebration an' got st00pidly angsty abt having 2 change the name if we got a 5th member. Actually, I still don't know Y the name "4Evah" even hasta B a ref 2 the # of ppl in the band, since it's really just a nother way of writing the word "forever". Gah, every1 is so literal in Mboro. I blame my 'rents an' their puns.

So NEway, after we'd played, Ger told Luis that our playing had been "amazing" (there'z that word again) & that he'z "1 hot musician". I don't think Ger was flirting w/him when he sed that. Luis was all, "Thanx, man. I do my best." When he sed "man" I cd C Eva beaming @ him. And Ger let out a big "Woooh" abt us being a band again.

Mike, U mite have a pt abt how Dad cdn't give my friendz $ 2 start biznesses (and steal their friendship) if he'z retired an' living on a fixed income. I think he'z on the way 2 doing that. MayB I should also hint that he doesn't have enuf trainsets 2 play w/when he retirez, so he can waste more $ on thoze, 2.

Apes

BTW, our new keyboard guy is Luis!

Wow, I can't believe I've been boring U all w/this story abt the Saturday B4 this past Sat, an' I never even mentioned that our new keyboard guy is Luis. NEway, he is! And he even has a driver's licence! But back 2 that in a sec!

So we were all in the kitchen, snacking on Choko Chip cookies, when there was a "HONKK!!" from the driveway! I was all, "That's Luis! 'Pop'? We're going over 2 Gerald's place 2 practice. Our new keyboard guy is here." Dad was, like, "Have fun", but he was all mopey-faced. I was, like, "And don't eat yrself up over the speeding ticket, OK? Everybody understands [that U R a midlife-crisis-having, trying-to-impress-teenage-boys freak], so there's no need 2 B embarrassed." Then Dad was, like, "Yr friend Luis...is he driving?" And I was all, "Yeah. He's got his licence--But don't worry. We'll B safe. His Dad is with him!" And Dad sat there with his eyebrowz up an' a v. worried look on his face, LOL!

So, the next thing that happed was. . . . OMG! My mind just went blank! I don't remember what happed next. Aw, d00d, I have a feeling I won't remember until 2morrow morning, when I write my next entry. ::sigh:: Sorry peeps!

Apes

W8, WHO needed a lesson?

OMG, I was so hopin' that I'd B on2 a new topic this morning, but now I'm back 2 tellin' U about st00pid that Saturday--not this past 1, but the one B4. When Dad got back w/Ger an' Dunc, I asked, "What took U so long?" And Dunc was, all, "yr dad got a speeding ticket." And I was a bit distracted cuz suddenly Dunc was taller than Ger! And Dad sed, "Yes. I did. I was showing off my new car. I was going far 2 fast. It was a really stupid thing 2 do--and I got caught." Then as he went in2 the house, he held up 1 index finger an' said, "Let that B a lesson 2 U!!!" Oh, rite, Dad, set a really bad xample, get in trub, and tell us it's a lesson 4 us! Nice try!

But I think we were even more freaked out abt Dunc and Eva both suddenly having NO EYEZ! As soon as Dad was inside, they were both all, "What happened 2 MY EYES!" Lucky 4 them, their eyez were back in less than a minute. But I know how scary it is when that happed. Almost as scary as how, during that same time, I was missing one of my fingerz from my rite hand, and my other hand looked sort of like a feather duster! Luckily, my handz went back 2 normal when Eva an' Dunc got their eyez back. I don't know if sumthing also happed 2 Ger, Dunc, an' Eva's hands during that time, cuz they all had 'em jammed in2 their pants pockets. Oh, and Dunc sort of pushed the front of his body against my back. That was kinda startling, but I think it mighta been cuz he stumbled when he didn't have eyez.

Zandra, thanx 4 letting us know Dunc's OK. Yr unk Arne soundz v. crayzee, which I have a lot of xperience w/ (crayzee relliez).

Apes

I guess I'm not such an animal whisperer, eh?

I just finished washing thoze nasty dogz. I thot this wd B a nice day 4 Buttsy 2 get sum air, so I brot her 2 her outside hutch. (4 a sec there, I cdn't C, like I didn't have NE eyez!) I'd left the door open, & when I was going back in, Edgar an' Dixie came bounding out. 4 sum reason, this, like, surprised me, even tho this is what they alwayz do when they have the chance 2 get out. They R DOGZ an' all. What was more strange was that once they were out, they actually appeared 2 high-5 ea other. This is like much less usual behaviour 4 dogz. Then they totally rolled around in the dirt, dug up the ground, an' then ran in circlez. Then when they saw me prepping the doggie bath, they actually sed "UH?!!" How weird. Well, I washed Dixie 1st, cuz Edgar likez 2 watch her get a bath an' do that weird thing our pets do, where they actually seem 2 B xperiencing animal schadenfreude, where if I wash Edgar 1st, Dixie runz away. NEway, during Eddie'z bath, as Dix was shaking out her fur, I noticed that I musta left the door 2 Buttsy's hut open, cuz she 'd wandered out & she seemed 2 B laffin' @ Eddie. Who looked v. v. sullen. Sum petcarer I am! Y'd I leave the hutch unlatched? MayB I oughta reconsider vet school. I don't know if I can B trusted 2 provide hi-quality care 2 peeps' pets an' livestock. Oh, an' while I was bathing Eddie, I was thinking "U party...U pay." And I swear I almost had a mom-like feeling of smugness. Almost.

And what's w/Buttsy's earz, NEway? She'z supposed 2 B a bunny, yet her earz grow low down out of the sidez of her head like a dog. And they R nearly alwayz down, instead of the normal position of "up". It's like sumbody who'z totally a dog person designed her w/out caring much abt doing research.

NEway, guess what? decided 2 try sumthin' a bit diff w/my hair, a French braid. I didn't really know what I was doing, so it came out more like a big, fat cornrow down the back of my head instead of like a normal French braid--like it's an "outtie" instead of an "innie". Like, if U look @ this braid page, I guess mine's more like the "square 4-strand braid". But guess what? It doesn't seem 2 B going back in2 the bun on its own 2day, so I guess the force controlling my hair must approve of one braid in the back as an option, eh?

Apes

He's only sorry cuz they made fun!

OMG, Dad is such a dork! U'd think he'd B ashamed of himself 4 speeding 2 impress a coupla 15-year-old boyz who R friendz w/his daughter? But it turnz out the only reason he was thinking he shouldna been speeding 2 pass other carz was that once he was pulled over, they all passed him an' made fun of him by--and this is one of the weirdest thing I ever heard--having their front-seat passenger stick a hand out of the window and point it at him like a gun, like "ha-ha, we just shot U"!

So Dad just told me abt this 2day, like outta the blue. Then, I sed, "Dad? When U wrote a character ref 4 Dunc, Y'd U write a ref 4 the lil model of him in his dad's layout insteada writing abt the real Duncan?" And Dad was all, "Oh, did I? Hm, I guess I got carried away once I started thinking abt that layout Nigel Anderson has. One of the most interesting thing about it is his extreme attention to detail, such as...."

And I cut him off an' sed, "Dad, Dunc is abt 2 get in major trub if he doesn't get sum real help! So cd U pls write another one this time, only focus on what a fine, responsible young man Duncan is, insteada getting on a whole choo-choo tangent?" And Dad said, "Oh, okay. Sure." And he went off to go work on it. Dunc, I hope this draft is gonna B better than the last 1.

Mike, it was nice of U 2 write a letter 2 support Dunc, but I don't know Y U hadta fill it w/put-downz abt me. I M not "stupid", "emotional [sic] unbalanced", "ignorant [about computers]", or "temperamental". And I never tortured Farley. Don't U start that whole slander again!

Apes

Dad needs 2 grow UP!

D00dz, I M pretty sure that after I write 2morrow'z entry, I'll B dun tellin' U abt this past Saturday. @ least I hope so. An' U know Sunday'z gonna B a total non-sequitur (vocab word!) as usual.

But so NEway, Ger an' Dunc have only just started tellin' me the next bit that happed after they stopped @ the Burgers and Subs 2 fake-compliment the car w/thoze other guyz. Ger was in the front passenger'z seat (I don't wanna get Eva started by sayin' "riding shotgun"), and Dunc was in the back. They were still carrying on their whole pretending Dad'z car is cool. Dunc had asked Ger not 2 let on it was a joke cuz he was still hoping Dad wd write him a useful character-ref letter 4 the court appearance Dunc has this coming wk. Ger was all, "She'z a sweet set of wheels, Dr. P!" And Dad was, like, "Yep! She'z a beauty!" And this apparently encouraged Dad 2 xceed the speed limit (great xample 4 teen boyz, Dad!). Ger was all, "Whoa! U passed that transport like she was standin' still!!!" And Dunc sent, "Woo hoo! Power 2 the ppl man! We R freaking flying! We are...." An' they really were flying then, cuz they were totally hovering again. And so was the cop car that was alluvvasudden behind them, w/its siren goin'. Ger is pretty sure he saw a thot bub over Dad's head w/"fried!"

Mike, tho I M sure Dunc, like, appreciatez yr offer 2 write him a letter 4 the court, that doesn't mean Dunc needz U 2 write a courtroom drama. Just a character ref.

So, that's as far as Ger an' Dunc got tellin' me what happed, cuz the bell rang and lunch was over.

Apes

More Cowboy Talk and a Prank

So, another thing that happed on Sat, after Eva an' I got our pop & she did her lil cell fones=gunz thing. Ger, looking oddly like Howard, came over 2 the kitchen doorway, where Eddie was peeking in, and sed, "Yr dad's gonna take us out 4 a drive, OK? We're gonna C what his new car can do." An' he winked @ me. I don't think Eva noticed the wink, B-cuz she was all, "There go our cowboyz, April. They've whipped their steed 2 a frenzy an' --they're off!! Screaming towards the freeway, daring guyz 2 pass... They're heading 4 the big showdown." OK, I was a lil distracted by the fact that Eva was, like, "our cowboyz", like she'd taken ownership of Dunc. Like since when? And that she was still going on w/her cowboy analogy. Y, Eva, Y? And that she was so sure about a "showdown" when we didn't even know where they were headed in the car.

But I know now cuz Ger told me afterwards. He sed that when he an' Dunc had gotten thoze fone callz, they were fr a coupla guyz from school, an' Ger & Dunc decided it wd B fun 2 play a prank on my dad. So they set up this drive 2 the Burgers and Sub place just off the Clowes Freeway, where a buncha guyz were w8ing 2 act like they gave a rat's arse abt Dad'z st00pid 'vASSe. Ger told me he an' Dunc nearly lost their lunch on he way over, cuz Dad was hovering the car even more than usual, an' he was totally breaking like every emissionz law (he shd have that checked--bad 4 a new car!). At Burgers and Subs, Ger and Dunc got out and one of the boyz who was w8ing there actually asked Dad 2 pop the hood so they cd look inside, LOL! Gordie was there, an' he was, like, "Sweet." Carl Sobriquet went, "Turbocharged, intercooled an' twin overhead cam." Fabian Mustel was all, "I'm impressed. Check out the intake. U can hear her breathe!" LOL, gd one, Fabian! Drew Fontaine was all, "How'z she on gas?" Ger was, "MayB 30 klicks 2 the litre on high 5!" And Drew was, like, "Bonus!" And Dunc was, like, "Dude!"

So now Dad totally thinx he haz the teenage-boy approval, an' he'z struttin' around Mboro like he'z soooooooooooooo cube! Ha, not!

Apes

Eva's Violent Side

Sorry 2 hafta say this, peeps, but Eva an' I continued our talk abt cell phonez this past Sat as we were getting cans of pop from the fridge. I was all, "Eva...are U saying that a cell phone is like a gun?" Eva was, like, "Totally. U can wear 'em on yr hip in a holster, U load 'em w/a battery an' yr personal stats, they're alwayz ready 4 action..." Then she held her can up 2 her ear like a phone, all, "An' guyz strut around w/them, makin 'super important callz' in public places--w/an attitude that sez, ...'The world is my personal space, baby!'" And I was, like, "@ least they're not dangerous." And Eva went, "I dunno, man. ...I've wanted 2 punch a few guyz out." Which is kinda weird, cuz it soundz like Eva's the one who is dangerous, eh? And it's kinda weird that Eva sez all this stuff abt guyz an' cell phonez, when it's like I C girlz using they're phonez like 1000x more than guyz do, like constantly being on the phone. And Eva of all ppl--remember she went thru that phase where she was alwayz on the phone w/the wanna-B A-girlz? An I dunno what gunz she's thinkin' abt that need a battery an' where U can store yr personal stats. Also, I'm thinking she'z got sum issues w/guyz. Like mayB a subscription's worth.

Apes

Eva's whole cowboy theory

Yeah, like, whatevs. Eva'z trying out her metaphorz, I guess. The next part of that convo I told U abt, fr this past Sat? Eva was all, "Yeah. Guyz R all cowboyz @ heart, man. Hard-ridin', bull-talkin', gun-totin' cowboyz!" And I was, like, "Gun-toting?" Just then, Ger'z phone an' Dunc's phone both rang @ the same time. Like, hm, what a coincidence, eh? And they had this weird thing where they stood facing ea other & slapped their pockets, which I didn't understand cuz it's not like they wdn't know which pocket has the fone, eh? And I think Dunc musta hit himself really hard cuz he looked like he was in pain when he did that slap thing. And I noticed that Ger an' Dunc both seemed 2 B wearing uncomfortable pants. So, while they were taking their phone callz, Eva got this kinda smug look on her face an' said, "They've gotta B fast on the draw." I can't help but wonder, if thoze fone callz hadna come in just then, what wd Eva have dun 2 show where she was going w/that metaphor. Did she just kinda know that the boyz wd do sumthing that we cd pretend looked vaguely cowboy-like?

NEway, if U C Eva an' she triez out a buncha cowboy metaphorz, pls go easy on her. I don't think she really knowz Y she'z doin' this kinda talk, eh? I really don't think thoze hyphenated adjectival phrases sound NEthing like Ger an' Dunc, do U?

Apes

Eva an' I had a boring convo

Sumthin' I 4got 2 mention happed Saturday, and I dunno Y I M even remembering it now, cuz it was boring, but 1ce again I feel like an outside force is deciding what I write abt.

So, like, on Saturday, Ger, Dunc, an' Eva came over 2 jam. And while Eva and I were sitting out on the front steps, Dad was all starting up his st00pid new car, and Ger and Dunc went over 2 say nice thingz 2 Dad abt it. I don't think they actually meant them, I think they were just B-ing polite. I hope so, NEway, cuz the car is way lame.

But I was thinking abt the way guyz R with cars, and I had this boring lil convo w/Eva where I sed "What is it w/guyz an' cars, Eva?" And Eva was all, "They're cowboyz, April. They all hafta have a good horse. U know how riders say that a horse B-comes part of yr body? Well, a guy hasta buy a car he can strap on an' ride. It's xactly the same thing." And I was thinking there was sumthing a bit kinky abt "strap on an' ride", but all I sed was "U don't hafta clean up after a car." And Eva was all, "Nope.... But U still hafta feed it, an' breathe in the fumes." I don't know Y I sed that abt cleaning up after carz. What is it w/Pattersonz and our weird obsession w/poop? And Y didn't I talk abt sumthing more relevant like peak oil or greenhouse gases? And how ppl drive too much NEway and shd walk more? Like I've sed, I'm not alwayz in control of what I say. Or do. Or write abt.

Apes

I must B chopped liver!

Doodz, it's Mother's Day! Happy Mom's day 2 the maternal 1's out there! So, like, U all know I've got Elly Patterson 4 a mom, an' she crayzee an' all, but, y'know, she's still my mom & I wanted 2 do sumthin' nice 4 her, eh? And so I made her a special brekkie, and every1 knowz how much my mom luvs the pastriez, eh? So, I made her favourites: palmiers, bear claws, beignets, Napoleons, baked Alaska, crèpes, Belgian waffles, Viennese anise cookies, cheese cake, fudge squares, baklava, raspberry tart, apple torte, cherry turnovers, chocolate cinnamon rolls, caramel popovers, chocolate eclairs, cannolis, strudel, and cream puffs. Which, like, took 4evs. And I arranged all these on the dining room table, with a vase of Mom's fave fresh flowerz, a silver locket w/a baby pic of me on 1 side an' a current pic on the other, and a Mom'z day card that was more xpensive than it had NE rite 2 B. And a big cup of latte just how she likes it, w/skim milk (LOL!).

So, U'd think Mom wd B, like, s00per touched by all this, rite? But she was kinda like, "Oh, thanx, April. Then she gobbled all the food, guzzled the coffee, looked @ the necklace an' the card, put 'em aside, stretched, and said, "Oh, April, U know what? Your big brother and Dee are coming by with Merrie and Robin this evening, so they can have a night out for Mother's Day! Dee tellz me that Merrie even made me a card!" An' I was all, "But U're not her mother, U're her grandmother. There'z a separate grandparents' day, U know." And Mom was all, "Don't change the subject, April. NEway, I'm really looking forward 2 having the little onez here this evening. It'll B an xcellent day 2 have them in the kitchen B-cuz it'll make me feel like a MOM again!" And I'm all, "AGAIN? When xactly did U stop B-ing my mom?" And Mom was all, "Oh, April! Spare me the teenage melodrama! And Y don't U get bizzy cleaning up this mess! We can't have all these crumbz in the dining room, what w/Robin having just recovered from his l8est ear infection!" And then she was off 2 harass visit Connie!

NEway, I'm a bit depressed now, and Ger'z off w/hiz fam doing a special "Mater's Day" retreat in Ottawa. So, I'm gonna meet Dunc @ Horny T's l8r (natch) an' mayB sum of us will get 2gether 2 jam in the afternoon.

Apes

Merrie wants Gran's Time-Gifts, eh?

So according to Mom, Merrie asked her if she was going 2 stay w/them 4 a long time. Mom was cooking sum of her "carrot-coin surprise" when Merrie was asking abt this. And Mom told her that it was just a few dayz cuz "baby Robin" was v. sick & Merrie'z mom an' dad hadta work. As Mom was swooping up Robin, Merrie was being all "When Robin gets better, will U go away?" And Mom was, like, "Uh-huh. And he's almost back 2 normal, C?" Ma sez that next thing she knew, Merrie was lying in bed, holding her bunny an' goin' "Cough, cough, cough!" Like 2 make Mom stay longer? Mom sez this just proves her theory that the best gift is the gift of time, an' not all thoze material thingz the kidz' Grandma Mira gives them. She got all pissed when I pted out that Mira's there, like, just abt every wk, giving the kiddlez more of her time-gifts than Mom doez. She called me an obstinate teenager an' changed the subject to how while she was there, she pulled Merrie'z hair back in2 a "proper Patterson ponytail" insteada letting her run around w/"wanton loose hair". I had 2 go retch when I heard that.

Apes

P.S. to Jeremy Duncan: D00d, I so feel yr pain!

Rights R not RIGHT?

K, so U mite remember that abt a wk an' a half ago, Howard's Aunt Winnie had this, like, precognition. Howard wrote abt it in a post:

I got a very strange call from my aunt Winnie Kelpfroth tonight. She said, “The oddest thing happened yesterday night, Howard. I don’t know how to describe it.” I said, “What happened?” She said, “It was like I could see into the future.” I said, “When was it?” My aunt said, “It was May 12.” I said, “May 12. How can you be so sure of the date?” My aunt said, “It’s precognition. You don’t question these things.”

I said, “OK. What happened?” My aunt said, “I saw the apartment upstairs from us. Our landlady Lovey was there, playing with the little boy who lives up there, as she usually does.” I said, “And what else?” My aunt said, “There were toys on the floor, and there was a lady in a rocking chair talking to our landlady and telling her ‘Thanks for being such a good friend to my children.’ Then Lovey said, ‘It’s a pleasure. Such nice kids.’ I said, “So the lady in the rocking chair was the mother of the kids?” My aunt said, “No. She was older. At first I thought I was seeing far into the future, but the little boy looked about the same age he does now. Not only that, but the lady did not have oversized lips, like their mother does.” I said, “That’s curious. Then what happened?”

My aunt said, “Well, then it was like I was outside the window on the upstairs apartment listening in, but I could still hear our landlady clearly. She said, ‘It gives me something to do besides worry. I’m tired of looking after these houses, Elly.’” “Elly?” I said. “The lady in the chair must be Elly Patterson, the mother of Michael Patterson who lives upstairs from you.” My aunt said, “His mother. Well she must live pretty far away and doesn’t see her grandson very often; since I don’t think I have ever seen her before. The little boy obviously was much more comfortable playing with Lovey than with her.” I said, “No. They live in the same town I live in. I thought you met her when you came to Milborough some months ago, for that party?” My aunt said, “I don’t think so. I think this is the first time I have seen her, and it was only a precognition. You would think a grandmother who lived so close would visit her grandchildren more often. Their other grandmother is loud and obnoxious, but she is here all the time.” I said, “She was busy with her bookstore, but she sold it recently to have more time. So then what happened?”

My aunt said, “Well then I could see Lovey and the other lady pretty closely. Lovey said, ‘If I had all good tenants, I’d be happy. Your boy and Josef Weeder are good ones, but the people downstairs give me pains!’” I said, “Wow! What kind of pains do you give her?” My aunt said, “The usual pains, where one neighbour complains about another and expects the landlady to fix the problem.” I said, “Same old story, you’ve told me before. They don’t like uncle Mel smoking and they don’t like it when you pound the ceiling to let them know they are being too noisy, so they are constantly on your landlady’s case. So what happened next?”

My aunt said, “Well the other lady gets up and reaches for Lovey’s coffee cup and she says, ‘Can’t you evict them?’ Then Lovey says, ‘Hah! They know their rights, Elly. And…they have so many rights!’ Then the little boy tries to rip the head off one of his dolls.” I said, “Hmm! She keeps on calling her Elly by name. I guess Elly doesn’t visit very often, if Lovey is using that old memory trick. Is Lovey trying to evict you, still?” My aunt said, “She filed a grievance with the eviction notice about the ceiling damage last year from the time Mel hit it too hard with the broom. We paid for our ceiling to be repaired, so now she doesn’t have grounds for eviction. We are lucky we live in a country, Howard, that doesn’t throw people homeless on the street just because they knock a little plaster off their ceiling.” I said, “You’re so right there. Well, what happened next?”

My aunt said, “Well then I could see Lovey again really close and the mole on her chin was about the size of her pearl earring. It was so large, it made the other lady step back with a look of fear on her face. Then she said, ‘Sigh….It just isn’t right.’” I said, “It isn’t right that you have rights, or it isn’t right that you know what your rights are?” My aunt said, “I guess ‘the know the rights’ part, because if Mel and I didn’t know our rights, we would be kicked out of our home on the street.” I said, “Why are you still there? The upstairs neighbours are noisy and the landlady doesn’t think you should have rights.” My aunt said, “Howard. This is just a precognition. It doesn’t mean anything. Between now and May 12, things could change. Lovey might like us again, like in the days when she realized how the upstairs neighbours were stiffing her on her rent by continuing to only pay the discounted rent she gave them when they weren’t both employed full time.” I said, “I don’t know. It sounds like an extremely clear precognition. I think you and uncle Melville may need to keep your housing options open.” Aunt Winnie said, “Howard. How many times do I have to tell you? Our neighbours grouse and complain all the time and nothing ever happens from it and nothing ever will. Don’t worry.” I told her I would try not to worry.

And oddly enuf, I'd had a v. similar precogntion, which I wrote abt in my entry the next morning:

Howard, it's so weird that yr auntie had that precognition thingy abt May 12. Cuz I had one 2, & it was v. v. similar, xcept in mine, it wasn't that the thingz she described happed on May 12. It was that I hadta hear my Mom telling abt thoze events. And in my version, it was part of a longer story she'd been telling @ least for 4 dayz B4 then, & mayB even longer! My vision made me shudder! I wonder what-all that means!

NEway, Mrs. Kelpfroth & I musta had sum weird psychic thing going, cuz this totally came true! Only now, I realize the "May 12" thing musta just been when I was gonna B talking abt this here on my blog. An' mayB the reason Howard's Aunt Winnie had a precoggy thing abt it was that her nephew's, like, connected 2 this blog? But NEway, Mom just happed 2 tell me this part of the story, which was the part after what I told in yesterday's entry. Do U think Lovey's trying 2 B like a Patterson, w/the whole "rights"/"right" thing? MayB 2 much xposure 2 Mike, eh? V. v. lame, I think.

Band practice w/Becks was interesting last night. Sorry abt the nail-filing lecture. I don't know what came over me!

Apes

Oldz 2 the rescue?

My Mom decided 2 put the "grand" in "Grandma" an' hightail it out 2 TO on Tuesday 2 help Mike an' Dee. While she was there, Lovey stopped by. According 2 Mom, Lovey was all, like, saying it was good that Mom came 2 look after the baby cuz a child needz his grandmother when he'z sick. I guess I'm lucky I survived my childhood illnesses, cuz when I was little, my g'parents alwayz lived in other provinces an' cdn't just pop over 2 help out. NEway, Mom gushed that Lovey's been so helpful and alwayz has a remedy 4 everything. And then Lovey told her that they don't alwayz work, but she tries. And that just the other nite, the neighbourz were all mad cuz Robin was crying, an' so she came over w/hot milk & brandy. 4 a sec there, Mom thot she meant L. had given brandy 2 Robin, but she meant the brandy was 4 Mike an' Dee. And then she took Robin over 2 her place, cuz she doesn't need much sleep.

Gerald, OK, we'll hold off on discussing how many kidz 4 a coupla yrs. Tho I don't think it's v. nice 4 U 2 B making contingency planz w/6yo's.

Jeremy an' Eva, thanx 4 hangin' w/me @ Horny T's. It helped take my mind offa stuff.

Apes

Sick kids are inconvenient?

Dee wrote again:

'April'!

I cannot believe he nerve of that brother of 'yours'. It was bad enough when he tried to ply me with his Patterson punning. But then he actually posted to your blog and not 'only' did he lie, but he tried 'to' make *me* out to be a 'liar'. If he thought he had a slight chance to get any nookie before, he's really messed up, now!

Anyway, 'April', this next thing I'm about to tell you 'pains' and 'embarrasses' me, since I pride myself on being a 'good' parent. But I feel the 'need' to tell this. After Mike unsuccessfully tried to get some by punning (Monday night), we were lying in bed, our covers 'pulled' chastely up to our necks, and I said that I wished I knew what was wrong, as 'Robin' gets one illness after 'another'. Your 'brother' opined that it could be because Robin is in 'daycare', but I noted that the kids there have been fine and that, for some 'reason', Robin has a low resistance, so he can't seem to fight things 'off'. Then, 'April', I said, "He's got to get better soon. --I've already taken a week off work, and so have you." (It's strange when I state information we already know, like 'exposition'.) Anyway, I'm very ashamed of what I 'said' next: "...This is getting to be such an INCONVENIENCE!" Next, I sat bolt upright and I said, "Did I say that? I didn't mean to say that!!" I was 'mortified', April, I just really didn't 'know' where that came from. Michael said, "Go to sleep. You can feel guilty in the morning."

Well, 'April', I have to 'go'. Robin is 'crying' again.

Dee

Dee, I wouldn't feel bad as long as U don't say that "inconvenient" stuff rite 2 Robin. My Mom totally wda told me how inconvenient I am. And she totally has.

Jeremy, Gerald, U R rite, it was wrong of me 2 fite w/Rosemary in the comments. She's just a little 6yo girl. I get like that when ppl threaten 2 steal my bf, but I hafta remember who I'm talkin' 2, eh?

Gerald, I totally did not say my preferences abt # of kidz were rite & yrs were wrong, w/out "empirical evidence". All I sed was that mayB after the 1st 2 kids we shd w8 a bit & see how we R doing B4 we go 4ward & have more. Sheesh. As 4 the empirical evidence stuff, well, when we've got 2, we cd babysit sum1 else's 2 kidz & C how we R w/4 all @ once. 4 all U know, U mite not like it. If we do like it, we can have more. But if we rushed in2 having 4, it's not like we cd unhave two of 'em. That's all I'm saying. I think I'm B-ing v. fair abt the whole thing. I mean, Becks just flat out sez there's NFW she'd have more than two. Can't I get sum credit 4 being open 2 this poss?

Apes

Mike tries a funny with FEEL!

I got another Dee-mail, peeps! Here goez:

'April'!

I don't know about your 'brother' sometimes! Once Robin's fever was down, he'd stopped crying, even though the poor 'dear' was still in pain. As I was putting him down, I started to say to 'Michael', "If he starts again, the neighbours downstairs will be..." But before I'd finished my 'sentence', he cut me 'off': "Morons! They complain even if we're quiet." As I was closing the door to the chidren's 'room', I told 'Michael' that Robin was asleep and I said "I'm exhausted and grimy and I feel terrible!" And 'April', you would not believe what your brother 'did' just then. He sidled up behind me, put a 'hand' on my shoulder, and 'said', "You feel pretty good to me!"

'Really', April, I know Mike is a 'writer' and all, and that your family has this whole 'wordplay' tradition. But was I in the mood for a play on 'feel' as in the emotions and perceptions that I'm experiencing 'versus' the 'feel' of Mike likes the way my flesh 'feels' when he touches it? No, April, I was 'not'. I am pretty sure I had a gobsmacked expression 'on' my face when your 'big' brother said that. What made him think he was going to 'get' any nookie under the circumstances?

But you know what? And I know I'm completely changing the subject, but then again, so did Mike, 'so' I feel 'entitled'. I looked in the mirror after Mike attempted that 'wordplay', and with my hair sort of tousled and messy, I was reminded how much better I'd look with a more 'flattering' haircut. I wish I'd never gotten this hideous bowlcut, April. Would you believe that every time I try to change it, it just springs right back into the bowl shape? I've even had Marjee razor the ends and taper the sides, and the hair actually grew right back, before our very eyes! I know how crazy that sounds, 'April', but it's absolutely true!

'Dee'

Dee, guess what? I totally believe you about the hair thing. My hair actually sproingz back in2 that awful propellor bun, of its own volition, and has done so right in the salon, sorta like what U R describing. I guess we both have cursed hair! It really sucks, but I feel a bit less alone knowing sum1 else is going thru the same thing.

So, like Jeremy sed, there'z a big English exam 2day. Wish us luck!

Gerald, 2 answer yr question, I think 2 kidz wd B a gd amount. I can't imagine having 12!!!

Apes

Earache

Just after my last post last nite, Mom, Dad, Mike, an' Dee showed up. And altho both kids were totally sleeping soundly, the mo that Mike an' Dee went 2 pick 'em up 2 take 'em home, Robin woke up and started screaming and pulling at his rite ear. Dee sed, "Oh, no, that's what I was afraid wd happen. The earache is back." She gave him sum meds & then she and Mike got themselves and the kidz packed up and out as fast as they cd. L8r, Mike called Mom and told her that Merrie had wanted 2 help by rocking him, so she sat in the rocking chair w/him on her lap, but that only lasted like a second B4 she sed she'd had enuf. Mike told Mom that he totally had a droopy "Tell me abt it" kinda look on his face shen she sed that. And also that she looked almost exactly like a mini Becky w/out freckles @ that mo. Weird, eh?

Apes

Dee gets stuck!

Mike an' Dee an' the kiddlez R here, havin' brekkie w/us. They just kinda showed up. Dee just finished saying 2 Mom, "Elly! I wish I cd get my mother on board w/yr 'time, not gifts' philosophy! Just the other day, I had to ask her not to bring the kidz NEmore stickerz! She had just brot them Sticker Mania, & there were stickerz everywhere, just everywhere! My elbow, my arse, the chairz, the cabinets, the counter, the fridge, the washer/dryer, the wallz, the floor, Robin, the chairz, tablez, doorz, Merrie, the toyz, the couch, the vase, the artwork on the wall, and even on Mom herself! Well, I think she might've learned sumthing fr. that, but I guess I'm not holding my breath!" My mom just sort of nodded smugly and said, "Yes, one of the advantages of giving time instead of gifts is that time does not stick onto thingz & need to be scraped off and disposed of!" Dee teared up a little and nodded. Mike sed, "Mmm, good eats, Mom! Love theze Belgian waffles!" And I was, like, "I made them, Mike!" And he was like, "Oh, yes, April, of course you did," using that voice that sum peeps use 2 talk 2 v. small children or v. stupid adults. Arse.

So that was a pretty wild party last nite. I'm glad no1 ended up dead or in hospital, eh? I don't remember drinking NE alcohol last nite, but 4 sum reason, I passed out around 10. Ger sez he carried me 2 the back seat of Mom's Crevasse @ around midnite.

Apes

Miss Patterson regrets she's unable to lunch today

Liz mail:

Hey, Sis! How's it going? Weather's good here. Lakes are opening up, and when the ground thaws--there's mud everywhere! Kids are outside, so there's lots of activity here in Mtigwaki.

Yes, I see Paul when he has time off. Tell Mom to stop asking.

I helped Jesse's auntie pull quills from a porcupine skin. We used pliers, but they still got stuck in my hands. I can't wait for school to be over. I want to come home. Tell Mom and Dad and everyone that "Miss Patterson" ....Misses them very much.

Love,

Elizabeth

See what she did there, peeps? Miss/miss. What a Patterson!

So, this evening we have the Becky-Howard Viking-engagement party at the Mayeses'. Becky, Howard, Tracey, an' I have been making planz 4 it all wk. It starts @ 5 pm. Guests include Ger, Dunc, Zandra, Jeremy, Drew Fontaine, Pierce Inverarity, Taylor Morgan, Eva, Shannon, Vicki, Thorvald McGuire (Becks's dad), Thora (Becky's stepmom), Becky's mom Krystle, Ted McCauley, the Mayeses, Anthony, Weed and Carleen (Weed's doing photography), all the biker guys from the Valhalla, Zandra's uncle, Arne Larson, my 'rents (not sure Y), Zatasha LaBuque, Morton DiNapoli, an' Conradia Harbinger, and sum peeps I M 4getting rite now. Oh, rite--she even has Jeffo Bray going! 4 sum reason it was v. imp 4 Becks 2 have, like, all the guys she'z d8ed @ this party. She wants 2 xplain abt that herself l8r.

L8r,

Apes

Liz jerks people around stalls!

So I called Liz an' told her I didn't appreciate her tellin' peeps I'm "hard 2 handle". She wanted 2 know how I knew, an' so I thot, "Uh-oh", cuz I didn't wanna rat out Dee. But then B4 I had a chance 2 say NEthing, she sed, "Oh, well, I guess it doesn't matter cuz I've been telling NE1 who wd listen. " I sed that wasn't cube, and she told me that if I want 2 B treated like an adult, I hafta act like 1. I got mad & hung up on her! Who does she think she is, NEway?

So, later, I got this e-mail from her:

Dear April,

I am sorry if my comment about acting like an adult upset you. I know it sounded like something Mom would say, and believe it or not, that doesn't even bother me! Saying things that Mom would say doesn't seem to freak me out anymore. I'm thinking Mom is really a pretty sensible woman.

Anyway, April, I've just got a lot going on. I was commenting to Gary Crane how nice it is to see the children playing outside again, and he remarked that, yes, summer's on its way. He then asked me whether I'll be working at Lakeshore Landscaping again, and I told him I'm not sure, since I might be teaching summer school in Mississuaga (you know, as I wrote in my May letter--people would save so much time if they'd just read our letters, eh?). Gary told me that Susan Dokis applied to work here in Mtigwaki, should a position come up. When I asked him whether a position is available, Gary told me, "That depends on you. You haven't signed a contract yet. Will you be back in the fall?" I said, "Gary...my heart is here!" And Gary said, "I know... But we'd like the rest of you."

April, I'm not even sure why I sed that about my heart being in Mtig, since really I don't know where my poor heart is! And frankly I was a little surprised that Gary was being so anxious about my contract not being signed yet. Since, in my first year, I didn't even get a contract until the very last possible second before the start of the term. And I had the distinct impression that this need to have a piece of paper, signed by a certain date, was a distinctly "white" obsession, as I stressed to Dad at the time.

Anyway, I hope that Gary and Susan don't try to rush me, and are willing to wait until I decide what I want to do, sometime over the summer. It's the least they can do!

Take care (and mind Mom and Dad!),

Liz

Liz, it's not cube 2 jerk ppl around like that. And totally not professional! U can't keep folks on a string like that!

Speaking of which, Jeremy, wow, it's so weird that Dirne ended up being yr future sis's rival Eliza from TO. It is so not cube how Eliza-Dirne has dealt w/relationships. Tho I have a feeling Liz wd disagree w/me!

Howard, it's true that Dad has totally been going back an' forth abt selling his practice. Like, 4ever! And I agree w/U, I'd have more sympathy for erasa-Everett if he hadn't pulled that mean trick on U 2 get the hygienist 2 seriously hurt U w/her cleaning!


Apes

Viv, Self-help Guru

So, Dee forwarded me an e-mail from Liz. Here it is:

To: apespatterson@yahoo.ca
Fr: DeePharma@fotopharmamboro.ca
Subject: FW: I'M MISSING EVERYTHING

'April'!

FYI

'Dee'

---original message----

Fr: HotTeach81@notmail.ca
To: DeePharma@fotopharmamboro.ca
Subject: I'M MISSING EVERYTHING

Dee,

I just got off the phone with Mom. April has sent me a fairly newsy but unsatisfyingly undetailed e-mail about some of the recent goings-on down there. Wow, I really feel I'm missing everything, and that's making me so homesick!

First of all, Robin. I wish I were there to help! The poor little guy. I hope you will be sure to keep me posted, and let me know if there's anything I can do from this far away! I've put a little care package in the mail, BTW. Some toddler moccasins, a small stuffed animal, and a children's book based on an old Ojibway legend.

And while we're on the subject of children, there's April. I take it from what Mom told me that now that she's 15, she's pretty hard to handle! If I were down there now, I could help Mom deal with April.

Oh, and then there's Anthony splitting up with Thérèse. No one's giving me any "deets". When I spoke with Mom, all she'd say was how sad she and Dad are, and how Anthony's so honest, trustworthy, and steadfast, all that jazz.

And there's Dad buying a new car and Mom retiring. These are BIG THINGS to miss, Dee! I was telling all of this to Vivian Crane when I was helping her wash dishes, and she understood. She said, "And you feel as though the world is going on without you." I told her, "Yes, I do." Viv said, "I felt like that too once... But I've lived here with Gary for so long, it's my home now. --You've got to put roots down somewhere." I replied, "I know." Viv put her arm on my shoulder (and her arm seemed oddly short and stubby at that moment) and said, "But first, you have to find the right garden!"

Dee, that woman is so wise, first with cats and now with the big life-advice. By the way, she's working on the manuscript for a self-help book, Find the Right Garden. I wonder if maybe Mike can help her get it published?

OMG, peeps! The heck? I'm "pretty hard 2 handle"? Where did that come from? I'm just abt the mildest teenager @ my school. Did they not hear about Zatasha LaBuque, Morton DiNapoli, or Conradia Harbinger? Geez!

So, like, the principal @ our school has this harassment PR campaign where he'z got all the diff subculturez out doing community-service projects. Like the goths cleaning up trash downtown an' the stonerz manning the "lice detection, treatment, and prevention" tables an' booths downtown and @ the mall. D00d'z totally lost it, eh?

Apes

Jesse wants Lizzie's stuff!

I guess Liz is in an e-mailing mood, cuz she sent me another 1:

Dear April,

Let me tell you what happened after Jesse told me about that offensive "Coffee Cake" nickname. Well, I let him follow me into the apartment, and right away, he was asking me, "Got any cookies?" So, I asked him, "Jesse, do you come here to visit me, or to raid my kitchen?" And the little scamp, he said "Both!" Once we were seated at my kitchen table, and Jesse had his cookie, he asked me, "Miss Patterson? How long are you gonna stay in Mtigwaki?" And I said, "Good question." Notice I didn't exactly answer. I hate it when people try to pin me down with questions like that. Why must people always come at me with the questions. "How long are you going to stay here? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you in love? What did you tell Anthony when he said 'Wait for me'? Do you want fries with that?" I wish people would just be quiet and wait and see if I'm ready to volunteer any information. Anyway, next thing I knew, Jesse was telling me, "'Cause I dreamed you went away. I dreamed that you flew up into the sky." I responded, "Really. Was I a bird or an angel?" Jesse said, "You were an angel. ....'Cause you left me your stereo." Well, I felt my eyes bug out, but good, because all this time I thought this boy had some real affection for me. And now it seems he really won't miss me as long as he gets to pick and choose from my possessions. I must say, April, that really stings!

But here's another thing. Although I said "Was I a bird or an angel?" I was actually thinking, "Did I fly in a plane or a helicopter?" Because the first thing I thought of when he told me he'd dreamed about me flying up into the sky was, "Oh, my God, does that mean Warren's coming back?" And it was so strange, because I haven't thought about Warren since he gave me a lift home for the holidays. But I felt a little tingly when I thought about him. Oh, well, I'm sure that doesn't mean anything!

Take care,

Liz

And there's the latest from my big sis.

Howard, thanx 4 telling us abt that salon visit fr. Carleen. I was a bit confused abt the whole thing where Mike's letter this month sed Weed's 'rents had just helped him buy the bldg his studio was in. Cuz I thot he already owned it. So now we know he just let his 'rents think they were buying it 4 him, and really they bot it from Weed 4 Weed. Way 2 make even more $, eh?

L8r, gatorz!

Apes

"Coffee Cake", U R a relic!

So, Liz wrote back to my recappy e-mail:

Dear April,

Thanks for your e-mail. It really reminded me how much I'm missing by being up north! I was sitting on my front stairs reading a printout of your message, when Jesse Mukwa showed up. He stood in front of me and asked "Whatcha reading, Miss Patterson?" And I told him, "An e-mail from my sister. I printed it out so I could read it again. So much happens while I'm away. I miss all the gossip!" Jesse sat next to me and said, "There's lotsa gossip around here! People talk about you! They call you 'Coffee Cake' because you're dating a cop. ...An' that's what the cops always buy when they go to the corner store. --Coffee cake!!" I asked, a little indignant, "They're calling me Coffee Cake?!" And Jesse responded, "That's not a bad thing... The last teacher we had was called 'Fish Head'."

Well, April, I'll write more soon, but I just realized that the bottoms of my white socks are dirty from sitting outside in them!

Take care,

Liz

OMG, Liz! U printed out my e-mail? Printed it out? So U cd read it again? That is so MOM! Don't U know U can read again on your computer? Geez, Coffee Cake, U R 2 yung 2 B such a relic! (And not only that, but that musta been one of my most boring e-mailz ever. I almost fell asleep writing it!)

Jeremy, thanx 4 rescuing us fr. that muddy bog yesterday. My mom is such a freak! I hope she'll take yr advice abt walking on the sidewalks instead!

Apes

May Letterz fr. my Fam!

OK, here goez. . . .

My letter: OK, not much of interest here xcept U'll notice the whole Lilliput's thing. Yeah, Mom decided I've gotta keep working there. Keep me "out of trouble". Which I think is momspeak 4 limited my Ger time.

Lizzie's letter: Homesick. Maybe a summer teaching job in Mississuaga. A lead on a job in Markham. Now, where did that come from, Ms. "Loves Adventure"? And Y U all acting like U didn't C an Anthony/Thérèse split coming?

And "Robin's constant illnesses"? Newz 2 me, eh?

Mom's letter: Hm, I wonder Y my mom'z not letting on she's already taking a creative writing class. And way 2 talk abt me like I mite go all rabid NE sec. Shut up!

Dad's letter: Oh, shuddup abt the carz already, Dad, cuz ZZZZZZZZZZ, no1 carez! And LOL on the "strange smells requiring explanation", Mr. "haul garbage home from the dump" Guy. Oh, & Mom'z suggestion abt "a day in the life of a dentist". Translation: "4 the love a GOD, John, enuf abt carz & model choo-choos!""I cannot see anything unusual or interesting about it": U & me both, Bubba! (I had 2 stop reading Dad'z letter B/C it was seriously putting me 2 sleep. I will hafta finish l8r, or I'll never get thru the others!)

Mike's letter: Y does Mike hafta write a letter? (I'm saying this B4 I read it. I'm gonna go read it now. Wish me luck.)

Oh, look, Mike's remembered his son's name. Sucks abt the ear infections. Poor kid. Of course, only Mike wd use B-ing awake l8 @ nite w/a sick child in2 a reason 2 notice Weed's lites & ponder Weed. Hmm. Aw, how nice abt Weed's 'rents. But who is Mike 2 say NE1's mom is an appendage?

Natch Weed's all successful & "sought after"--after all, he'z Michael Patterson's friend! ::puke::

Blahblah Mike's career, wants 2 quit Portrait, can't, blahblahblah.

Dee's letter: Earache, pharmacy, blahblahblah, Weed and Carleen, blah.

Gramps/Iris: "We're still alive!" Isn't it cute how he pretends Dixie's a pretty dog? That's luv, eh?

Pets: Ha, foisted the pets' letter off on Mom. MayB she'll sumday agree it's a st00pid idea, eh? Aw, Ma, it's not "with April and I"; it's "with April and me". How'd U manage 2 B an English major an' not know that?!?!?

Well, sorry that's so rushed, but I'm really beat!

Apes

Recap 4 Liz

Doodz, U R not gonna believe this shizzle! K, so sum of U mite remember that my Mom is all against me bringing my cell fone 2 school, eh? So, 4 the longest time, I've been giving her my old fone whenev she goes 2 do her confisc8ing in the morning. Well, now that she'z retired & all, she took a close look @ my fone billz & figged out that I've been using it during school hrs. So she put 2 an' 2 wgether & was all, "April, I know U must B using a diff fone during school hours. U know what? I'm not going 2 try 2 confisc8 yr fone during school time NEmore. & I'm all "SCORE!" And then she went on, all, "No, it's not what U R thinking, yung lady. I've made a change 2 yr fone plan. Now, on weekdays, U R simply blacked out from the start of school until supper time." I tried 2 argue, but she was all, "Do U want 2 lose yr fone privileges al2gether? If so, keep rite on arguing, April Marian Patterson!" So I clammed up. NEway, B-cuz of that I won't B able 2 post during the day on school dayz, unless I'm able to cram in sum computer time during lunch or a free period. eh? My mom'z a tyrant, yo!

NEway, since Liz hasn't really been keeping up w/the blog, I sent her a "recap" e-mail. I hope that she remembered that when I refer 2 Dad as "Pop" it's like satire, an' she can't really put all that much stock in2 stuff I say w/it, like calling Dad's new car "cool". LOL! Oh, an' I 4got 2 tell her it's called "Laverene". Oh, sorry, Dad, that "she" is called Laverne. ::rolleyez::

I also told Liz abt Eva joining the band as our new singer, & abt how we're gonna prolly get a guy 2 play keybdz 4 us. I also told her abt Mom B-ing on her cleaning spree and signing up 4 a photog class. But I 4got 2 mention the writing course. And I told her Robin's been sick, cuz Mike called Mom the other day all, "The boy, he's been ill. Or so Dee tells me." And I told her Anthony had just split up w/T. Then I was, all, "Gotta go! 'Bye, --A."

Ger, OMG! R U OK 2day? Becks, U were such a hero helping Ger get his bloody nose taken care of. I can't believe that brother of his! I'd so choose a diff 1 4 him! I'm so glad U had his back like that! And I'm also glad U left his bro in the hedges where he belonged!!!

Howard, wow, I'm not sure what 2 tell U abt the engagement/marriage thing w/Becky. I guess U hafta fig out whether it wd hurt what U 2 have, best-budwise, eh?

Oh, BTW, I'm not gonna have a chance 2 do my usual long post on the monthly letterz, which oughta go up 2day, until sumtime 2nite. Keep yr eyez peeled!

Apes